Neptune Navigator Online: UNCENSORED Part II
And we're back with more of the censored articles you love but the administration hates. Have fun reading! And read fast, this one could be deleted any minute. (And leave us comments. They cheer us up. Summer School sucks.)
How I Spent My Summer Vacation
by Veronica Mars
Veronica's "How I spent my summer" essay makes for depressing interesting reading. We almost feel bad printing something so personal and revealing. Almost.
Unlike everyone else in this class, I wasn’t lucky enough to leave Neptune for the summer. Getting nearly burnt alive by my then-boyfriend’s father not only kills the summer experience, but also throws it to the ground, stomps on it, and then makes it watch House Of Wax ad infinite. That also doesn’t take into consideration all the time I spent visiting my dad, going to school to spend time with my now-ex-boyfriend, and working at Java the Hut. My summer was just fantastic!
As you might know, my dad jumped through fire for me. Beats your typical 09er father/daughter dynamic: dad hands you a black Amex card to stop you from telling your mom that he's messing around with the maid behind her back.
He spent the rest of the summer getting over his injuries and making out with his girlfriend while I worked my ass off. Have you ever had to eat hospital food two weeks in a row? Don't do it. You'll want them to smother you with a pillow by day three. (We won't even get into hospital coffee. God help the Gilmore Girls if they ever have to spend any time in a hospital.) There is also no Dr. McDreamy at Neptune Memorial to soften the sucktitude. Just a few sadistic old crones who go around turning the patient’s televisions to South Beach and then disappearing before anyone hears their cries for help. Dad went stir crazy fairly quickly and managed to get released on good behavior after only a few weeks. I had almost begun to look forward to my shifts at the Hut just to avoid the stench of urine and vomit that was the hospital, so I was pretty relieved.
Java the Hut: everyone’s favorite summer hangout and my newest place of employment. My dad and I decided that I should take a step back from the cases and they were hiring, so I got a job there. My manager seems to be permanently on crack. Sometimes I want to ask where she gets her supply from and other times I want to spork her eyes out. More often the latter, but I digress. The excitement of showing people to their seats about equals stakeouts 'til 3:00am, and no one has tried to kill me yet, so it's not a total loss. The pay isn't that awful either.
In those blessed moments when I wasn’t at the Hut, I spent my time meeting Logan after Summer School. That was before Logan was arraigned for the murder of Felix Tombs. Murder charge, you might be wondering? Oh yes, did forget to metion that? Logan arrived at my apartment after his father tried to turn me into Kentucky Fried Chica. He’d been beaten by the PCHers on the Coronado Bridge and when someone came to his rescue, it was discovered that Felix had been stabbed to death. He went through the preliminary hearing while Aaron was being arraigned for Lilly’s murder. Luckily his lawyer pointed out the obvious: how could he have stabbed someone when he himself was suffering from broken ribs and a concussion? The case was thrown out, but the town didn't take too kindly to it. Neptune had their own version of West Side Story, sadly minus the dance routines.
Community pools were torched, Logan’s car was shot at-with us inside-and so the war raged. It was at this point that I realized I couldn’t stay with Logan if it meant I'd have to watch another person I care about be killed. I broke up with him, he smashed a vase in my house, and my dad wanted to smash his face.
I kept running into Duncan at the Hut and he helped me out when the place got too busy. He also left me a gift on my birthday. Four weeks after I broke up with Logan, Duncan told me he’d broken up with Meg at the end of the school year and wanted to go out with me again. I felt like this was my chance to get my old life back, to be normal again. Plus, I feel safe with Duncan. I regretted hurting Meg, but when she went all ice queen on me, I wanted to get all schoolyard on her and point out that he was my boyfriend first.
The rest of my summer was quiet compared to everything that happened in May and June. Duncan and I got back into a routine, Dad got stronger, and I continued to show people to their seats with a fake smile five days a week.
Not working cases has meant I had to find out what normal teenagers do with their time. I hung out with Mac and Wallace at the beach a lot. We managed to go through more movies than I wish to admit on Netflix. I also secretly watched Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles re-runs with Backup. My favorite is Michaelango, but he insists Raphael is cooler. I control the amount of walks he goes on. He should remember that.
That brings us to today, the first day of school. I’m a new Veronica Mars: an easy-going, normal, eighteen year-old girl. No more murders to solve, no more crazy melodramatic relationships, just a normal teenager about to start her final year of high school. Wish me luck.
Mrs. Murphy’s comments: An interesting take on the topic. I’ve spoken to Clemmons and put you forward for a few sessions with Ms. James.
Grade: A
The Graduate: A review
by Logan Echolls
At some point this year, Logan was asked to review a favorite film. Based on the gossip we've heard about him and Dick and Beaver's step-mom, we are not surprised by the movie he chose. Of course, that is not the only reason our former Editor-in-Chief refused to print it. See for yourself.
As many of us are about to leave home for the first time (or the second time in my case), a review of this coming of age story seemed appropriate. For those of you not raised by mothers obsessed with old black and white movies, the film, from 1967, chronicles the life of a recent college graduate, Benjamin Braddock, who returns home to live with his overbearing and ignorant parents.
The movie follows Ben as he drifts around his Los Angeles home with his parents and their circle of friends. He’s given more bad advice on how to choose a career path than I’ve been subjected to at any number of Echolls' Family Christmas parties. But he does find one bright spot at his graduation party: Mrs. Robinson, the wife of his father’s partner. Mrs. Robinson attempts to seduce Benjamin after he gives her a ride home. At first he resists, the stupid idiot, but suddenly realizes that sleeping with a more experienced older woman will help to pass along the lazy days of summer.
Much of the movie artfully cuts together the trysts between Ben and Mrs. Robinson, and the resulting lies he must tell his parents. I have to say, this whole situation would be so much easier if Ben’s parents didn’t care what the frak he did with his time, but they do. As evidence of how dense they are, they give him a scuba suit for his birthday, which he has no interest in, yet he’s forced to show it off to his parents' friends.
Of course the movie is about more than watching a twenty-something screw a forty year-old, because stupid Benjamin has to get set up by his parents with the Robinsons’ daughter, Elaine. Mrs. Robinson threatens to end the fantastic sex they’re having if he goes out with Elaine so he takes her to a Burlesque show (he does get points for his choice of location, I might add) to prevent another one.
Stupidly, though, he starts to fall for Elaine and turns into a creepy stalker, following her to her college and asking her to marry him. (Stick with the sex without the strings, man!) But no, he has to be a damn sap and he leaves what he knows is good for something unknown. Who would ever leave an older woman for someone without any experience to speak of?
I’m sure there are other lessons that I’m missing right now, but really, I only watched this to see how many different ways Mike Nichols could not actually avoid revealing anything too risqué and still have a PG rating. Obviously, the answer is, quite enough. I mean, there are boobs, and more boobs, and a cross used as a door jam. Wonderful art direction.
A cheer
by Cindy "Mac" Mackenzie with
Veronica Mars
Mac and Veronica aren't overburdened with school spirit as we can see from this recovered conversation.
Cindy_Mackenzie: Hey, Veronica.
Veronica_Mars: What's up Mac?
CM: Check out this cheer I just wrote.
Neptune, Neptune, Neptune High,
We suck, we suck and here is why,
Being smart is secondary
To whether your hair is the color of a canary!
Neptune, Neptune, Neptune High,
We suck, we suck and here is why,
Because my parents are really rich,
This gives me the right to act like a bitch!
Neptune, Neptune, Neptune High,
We suck, we suck, and here is why,
My mind is completely blank,
If I don't like you I'll call you a skank!
Perfect for the game with Pan High right? I'm thinking of giving it to Madison.
VM: She'll have a fit. Do it.
CM: Sending it to her now.
CM: And already we have a reply:
Neptune, Neptune, Neptune High,
YOU suck, YOU suck and here is why,
You're so jealous that you're not on the team,
You make up stupid cheers!
Go back to your trailer park.
VM: She didn't even try to make it all rhyme. It's like the tooth fairy doesn't exist or something.
CM: I know! And here was me thinking that cheerleaders were founts of originality. I feel so betrayed.
My Supernatural Poem
by Gia Goodman
Gia seems to have a one-track mind. Here's a poem she wrote for English class.
They drive around the back roads in their black Metallicar.
Who are these warrior brothers who have driven oh so far?
The oldest one is Dean, who has hunted all his life.
Trained to kill the monsters with Latin, gun and knife.
His father taught him well, and it's the only life he's led,
Ever since their house burned down, and their mom was sadly dead,
Thanks to an evil demon. Now John Winchester is on a quest.
I don't think he's a very good father, since he's gotten all obsessed.
His boys can never reach him on his cell phone, when they call.
And when danger threatens, he's almost never there at all.
But, I forgot to mention Sammy, younger brother, who we find
Got a scholarship to Stanford, and left his destiny behind.
Dean loves Sam but resents him, and calls him "College Boy,"
Makes fun of him for ordering coffee with hazelnut and soy.
Sam's girlfriend Jess was killed by the demon that killed their mother.
Stuck to the ceiling and lit on fire. Luckily, Dean saved his brother.
Now Sam wants revenge against the demon, and he decides to try.
Also, he's all sad and angsty, because he dreamed that Jess would die.
He has prophetic visions, which really freak out Dean.
But they sometimes come in handy, to rush the brothers to the scene.
Then they can save the people who are threatened by distaster.
Ghosts or bugs or possessed paintings -- nobody fights them faster.
Sam hates all Dean's mullet rock, which he still has on cassette.
They argue all the time, but they haven't killed each other yet.
One time it nearly happened -- Sam shot Dean in the chest
With a shotgun full of rock salt. (At the time, he was possessed.)
Another time Dean almost killed Sam, but it wasn't really him.
It was an evil mutant who had stolen all Dean's skin.
It always gets quite scary in Supernatural employment,
But that means that every episode gives me great enjoyment.
I love the Winchester brothers, and now you can see the reasons.
And I hope their show runs for seventeen more seasons!
***
Ms. Schecter's comments: Gia - Your poem displays a lot of enthusiasm and promising ability. Why not focus your efforts on original work, rather than wasting all your creative energy on a television show? (B+)
Summer School Staff comments: Gia - I think more people need to write poetry about Sam and Dean Winchester. At least I know what the hell is going on in this poem, unlike when Mrs. Murphy made us read "The Wasteland." (A+!)
Communism: Pros and Cons
by Veronica Mars with Dick Casablancas and Logan Echolls
Apparently Veronica Mars and Dick Casablancas turned in the edited version of this blog for their group project. While we were helping clear off some disc drive space for next year, we were able to find the unedited version. Looks like Dick shouldn't have passed World Politics either.
Veronica_Mars: Today, Dick and I will be blogging about the pros and cons of communism for our 4th period World Politics class. So Dick, what is true communism?
Dick_Casablancas: Ahh, why don't you take that one.
VM: Under true communism, the principle of distribution among the masses becomes ‘from each according to his or her ability to each according to his or her need’.
DC: So that means, because you’re smarter than me, you should finish this project by yourself because I need to pass this class.
VM: This would be the reason why Communism only works in theory. The elitist classes always try to manipulate the system for their own gain.
DC: Dude! Communism doesn’t work because smart people are selfish. You don’t care if I don’t pass this class because there’s nothing in it for you. What about if I pay you?
VM: That’s capitalism, Dick, and while I’m a big fan, I’m not going to blog to myself. Back on topic - Under communist theory, there would be no private property and all land would be shared equally. While on the plus side, there would be no more 09ers, the downside is that with communal property, you’re more likely to find strange people in your shower because it’s not yours anymore.
DC: I’m all for finding hot babes in my shower, but I don’t want some grandma or random dude in there. Wanna share my shower, Ronnie?
VM: I’d rather slit my own wrists, Dick. One of the main problems with communism in practice is that there is no benefit to striving harder as you’d still only receive what the government or the powers that be determined you needed. For instance, even if I did all the work for this project, if we were communists, Dick would end up getting equal credit regardless of his lack of effort.
DC: Sweet! I’m going to become a Communist!
VM: Communism also only works if everyone works under the same principles. If people could go somewhere else where they got rewarded for greater effort, it would undermine Communism as the only people left would be the underachievers, which in turn would create a failing state.
DC: Failing states suck. I may have to repeat Physics this summer.
VM: I don’t mean - You know what, never mind, Dick.
DC: Hey, Mars? I’ll be right back.
VM: What? You can’t leave! We’re in the middle of this project.
VM: Are you there?
VM: Dick?
VM: Why does God hate me?
DC: God doesn’t hate you. He merely finds you somewhat annoying and wants to tell you that he’s the only one that’s omniscient.
VM: Are you freaking kidding me? Dick blew me off so you guys could play video games??
DC: What are you talking about?
VM: I know it’s you, Logan. Dick wouldn’t know how to spell omniscient, let alone be able to use it correctly in a sentence.
DC: Wow! For once, it’s not a baseless accusation. So what were you guys talking about?
VM: The pros and cons of communism...
DC: One for all and all for one!
VM: I said communism, not The Three Musketeers, Logan... Where’s Dick?
DC: He went to get more beer. What’s in it for me if I help you out instead?
VM: If you were a true Communist, you wouldn’t care about what’s in it for you; you’d just care about the greater good.
DC: Who decides what’s the ‘greater good’?
VM: Well, that is an inherent problem of communism. Either the government or a select group of people decide what is the greater good for the masses and even if you don’t agree with it, you don’t really have a choice.
DC: That sounds moronic to me and you’re still not convincing me to help you.
VM: Considering Dick’s current grade in this class, if he doesn’t finish this project, he’ll probably end up going to summer school.
DC: Still not seeing the benefit, Mars. You know, I would've thought you had better persuasive techniques than that considering the number of people already wrapped around your little finger.
VM: If Dick’s in summer school, he’s going to have way less time to play Halo with his little buddy.
DC: Finally! A persuasive argument! So are we talking Marxism, Leninism or that somewhat esoteric and idealist view of true communism?
VM: We’re discussing true communism and the reasons why it may sound good in theory but doesn’t work in reality.
DC: Come and see the violence inherent in the system!
VM: Okay, while you quoting Monty Python doesn’t really help me that much, it does bring up a good point. One of the issues with communism in action is the lack of individual rights and governmental oppression. Under communism, an individual doesn’t have the right to free speech, freedom of religion and is prohibited from speaking out against the government.
DC: I don’t have a problem with an anarcho-syndicalist commune in general.
VM: But you prefer a farcical aquatic ceremony?
DC: Well, that and the watery tart, of course.
VM: I don’t know if I should ask, but what are your specific objections to an anarcho-syndicalist commune?
DC: I hate meetings.
VM: Of course. Isn’t Dick back yet?
DC: Yeah, he got back a few minutes ago. He’s playing Dead or Alive: Xtreme 2.
VM: Why am I not surprised?
DC: Because you know Dick? Anyway, at least you're getting credit for your work. This wasn't even my project. I think I deserve cookies.
VM: I can probably give you a dead parrot...
DC: No, thanks, not even if it's a Norwegian Blue.
VM: I heard they miss the fjords anyway.
DC: That's half the problem with dead parrots. The other half being that they're dead, of course.
VM: I've found that to be true. Thanks for your help.
DC: You know, I'm just going to savor this moment and I'll leave it at that...
VM: Good plan.
Turns out the students weren't the only ones abusing using our messenger service. Seems that certain Neptune High Staffers were using it to gossip about us. This was the only conversation we could fully recover and it seems to have taken place after Principal Moorehead got fired but before Ms. Hauser got fired (Neptune High: not dissimilar to Hogwarts in the fifth Harry Potter book).
In case you've already forgotten our faculty, here's a reminder.
Principal Van Clemmons
Mrs. Lisa Murphy
Mr. Wu
Ms. Deborah Hauser
Mr. Samuel Nelson Pope
Coach Preppernau
Clemmons: What a week.
Murphy: You can say that again.
Clemmons: What a week.
Murphy: And the kids don't think your sense of humor is hip.
Wu: I heard there was a fight earlier but by the time the grape vine got around to me it was a full on brawl with guns and knives and right now, we're hiding a body in the supply room so that the school board won't find out.
Murphy: If only they could channel that kind of imagination into their essays.
Clemmons: No, it was just Navarro and Echolls. Again.
Hauser: $50 says that neither of them will graduate.
Wu: Not taking that action.
Murphy: I don't know, Logan just might surprise us. When he actually bothers to show up, his essays show real talent.
Hauser: The kid just got re-arrested. And there's a witness this time. He's going to jail.
Murphy: $50 says he won't.
Hauser: Deal.
Pope: Did I hear that you had Veronica Mars in detention Van?
Clemmons: You did. She had keys to my office. I confiscated them.
Pope: She's a smart girl. She'll have copies.
Clemmons: I know and the thought is keeping me up at night. I've taken to leaving a tooth pick propped up against the inside of my office door when I go home at night. If I find that it has moved in the morning, then I know she's been in there.
Wu: But if you leave the tooth pick up against the door on the inside of your office, how do you leave the room at night and get the tooth pick to stay in place?
Clemmons: I leave the room through my office window.
Wu: Um, ok. Anybody confiscated anything good lately?
Hauser: I found a cashmere sweater. Brand new. So far nobody has come to claim it and it goes just lovely with my new skirt. I'm keeping it safe until someone comes forward.
Preppernau: Sorry I'm late. Just busted Orozco and Cortez for graffiti.
Clemmons: Where?
Preppernau: North side of the gym. They were just getting started. They have detention for next week.
Clemmons: What's happening with Navarro? He used to keep the PCHers in line.
Murphy: Did you see him on the flag pole?
Clemmons: I saw more than I have ever wanted to. I cut him down.
Pope: So Van - we can still call you Van right? Or would you prefer "Magnificent Leader" or "your royal Principalness"?
Preppernau: That's right! You'll be in charge now Van.
Hauser: Moorehead's definitely out?
Murphy: He abandoned his illegitimate daughter in the girl's bathroom! He's gone.
Wu: So your royal Pricipalness...the science department could really use some new microscopes.
Murphy: We in English could use some new text books.
Clemmons: Nice try. Fill out the request forms like everybody else.
Pope: Deborah, is your robot baby project nearly done? I can't get any work done when all my students are trying to stop their dolls from crying.
Preppernau: Dick Casablancas left his in his locker.
Hauser: Great.
Murphy: Gia Goodman was singing to her's yesterday. She seemed to think it would actually work.
Hauser: None of the students are taking it seriously with the exception of Madison Sinclair. Wonderful girl that one.
Murphy: Madison? Just last week she tried to convince me why she should be allowed to write her book report on The Da Vinci Code instead of Crime and Punishment.
Wu: So Coach, how's the team coming along?
Preppernau: Ok. Wish we had Fennel back though.
Wu: What was the story with him leaving?
Clemmons: Apparently he has family issues.
Hauser: I heard that his biological father showed up and whisked him off to Chicago.
Pope: Does anybody else think that this town is like a bad soap opera?
Wu: All the time.
Clemmons: I got an email from Sheriff Lamb today. He wants to meet with the entire staff to talk about the on-campus drug trade.
Murphy: Obviously getting pressure from Goodman. He's never tried to do anything about it before.
Hauser: Why does he want to talk to us? It's not like we know anything, or that we can accuse kids whose parents can get us fired.
Wu: Angie Dahl actually threatened me with that last week. She wanted me to bump her essay mark from an A- to an A.
Murphy: She'll do anything to be valedictorian.
Pope: Veronica's still in the lead, right?
Clemmons: Yep. Don't know how she does it though, what with the amount of time she spends poking her nose into other people's business. Did you know that she was the one who figured out that Trina Echolls was Moorehead's daughter?
Pope: She reported Richard Casablancas Sr. to the SEC.
Murphy: And of course, the Lilly Kane case.
Preppernau: Remember when she rescued Polly the Parrot? I was so relieved to get that bird back.
Wu: Somehow equating the disappearance of the school mascot with the identity of an illegitimate child, international fraud and one of the most controversial murder cases of the past 30 years just doesn't seem right.
Murphy: I've got papers to grade. I'll see you all on Monday.
Hauser: Dinner to cook. Good night everybody.
Pope: Going to check in on the TSE.
Preppernau: Bye.
Wu: Later.
Clemmons: Alone again.
Veronica_Mars: Naturally.
Clemmons: VERONICA!!!
Veronica_Mars: Hey Mr C. Wow, you guys aren't as boring as I thought.
Clemmons: My office. Monday. You and I need to have another talk about privacy and respecting boundaries.
Special thanks go out to afrocurl, babsonite, bennet_7, dark_roast, fickledame, rowanlove and spadada.