Neptune Navigator Online: UNCENSORED
Dick was left in charge of the summer school students responsible for putting the first five editions of The Navigator on the net, but he never showed up (would you?) so we kinda didn't bother with it until Clemmons caught us with Polly the Parrot and the photocopier and forced us to do work.
Whatever. We got it done eventually. And we promise the next update will be a lot quicker--it is our last chance to post anything we want before we get a new faculty supervisor. (Damn electrical fire!)
To make up for the huge gap between updates, this issue is full of stuff you're going to love. We've uncovered all the things that they weren't allowed to publish the first time around because they were too rude, too risque, and too awesome. The administration doesn't want you to to read this!
So read it.
Poetry
by Veronica Mars
While looking through various old boxes in the journalism room, a few poems from Veronica Mars were discovered. No context was given as to when or why she wrote these, though the subject matter suggests it was after her ass was being ignored thanks to the way her father handled the Lilly Kane case. Further investigation by the staff revealed the second poem was written by Veronica for a case. At least, that's what she says...
Judge the poetry for yourselves. The staff is merely providing them as a service to the students of NHS.
Isolation
My new best friend is myself
Sitting alone is new to me, but I’m left without an option.
Ignored by those who I used to respect, life is about survival
No more pink
No more sweet
Only tough looks and a snarl.
I am better than them.
I believe in myself and my family.
No one has the power to make me feel inferior, and I won’t let them.
Stronger than anything they can dish out at me-that’s what I’ll become.
Stronger without them around to tell me what purse will match my new outfit, and
Stronger without the pressure to be like everyone else.
I Cut Because I Can
Easier this way
Dealing with the hurt myself than subjecting anyone else to it.
No one has to see my scars, because no one cares how much the taunts hurt.
No one sees how much this tears me up, unless they want try to find a place to dig deeper
Someone always tries to pour salt on the wounds, because I’m the perfect object
Years of being innocent suggest that I’m a wet towel to be whipped around.
The pain is easier to bear when I give it out-no one else is there to make me feel like any less of a person than I already am.
It takes time to figure out the best times to cut and feel.
Leaving class is too easy, but the apartment isn’t safe either.
Isolated locations around town become my sanctuaries-little havens without the rest of the world coming down on me.
I cut because I can.
I need to feel. I need to know that something out there exists besides the hurt of broken friendships.
Broken lives-that’s all I see around me now.
No one is happy, and I search for something to make me feel again.
Someone can help me.
Something can help me.
Supernatural
by Gia Goodman with Logan Echolls
I wonder why this piece got scrapped?
Gia_Goodman has entered the chat room.
GG: Logan and I are here -- okay, he's not here yet, but we're supposed to be meeting to discuss the WB's hit show, Supernatural. I've already reviewed a couple of episodes for the Navigator Online, and so you all know the basics about the show. Two brothers travel the back roads in their car and fight evil.
Logan_Echolls has entered the chat room.
GG: Hi!
LE: Sorry, I'm late. Got mugged by a Shtriga.
GG: LOL
LE: Actually, no. I had to go to the can.
GG: Everything come out all right? :-)
LE: I am unfamiliar with the concept of your Earth "humor."
GG: Is that a Star Trek reference?
LE: Maybe. Is that what we're supposed to be talking about? Enterprise totally sucked. I liked Voyager. Especially the Kazon. That hair was a bold fashion statement.
GG: Didn't you read Cassidy's handout?
LE: There was a handout?
GG: We're supposed to discuss Supernatural for the Sound-Off.
LE: Meg Masters was hot.
GG: She was evil!
LE: My observation remains valid. Overall, there haven't been enough hot chicks on Supernatural. I feel this is a criminal oversight.
GG: What about Sarah, in "Provenance," the episode with the haunted painting?
LE: Not evil enough. Which cuts down the hotness quotient considerably.
GG: That's an interesting insight into your personality.
LE: Are you charging me for this session?
GG: LOL, no. Just curious about you.
LE: Little old moi?
GG: We're off-topic again. How about those vampire girls in "Dead Man's Blood"?
LE: Eurotrash losers, every single one of them. Not evil. Just lame.
GG: I agree. those vampires were lame. They got rid of all the cool parts of the vampire myth. The vampires aren't really dead, they're not afraid of sunlight, they can only be killed by a dead person's blood.
LE: "Dead blood?" What the hell is that even about?
GG: See? I told you we would get along.
LE: When did you tell me that?
GG: In Journalism class.
LE: Was I awake?
GG: I'm not sure. I thought maybe you were just ignoring me.
LE: Was I drooling?
GG: I don't think so. Do you drool when you're awake?
LE: Only while I'm watching Charmed.
GG: You're funny! :-D
LE: Are you hitting on me?
GG: No. I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable. I just meant you're making me laugh. Okay, so who is your favorite brother?
LE: Since you're not interested in me, therefore I must be gay?
GG: That doesn't make any sense.
LE: I must be drunker than I thought.
GG: I don't think you should talk about that in a public chat room.
LE: You're right. My underage drinking is Neptune's best-kept secret.
GG: Which Winchester brother is your favorite character? Do you like Dean?
LE: He's so dreamy.
GG: He is really cute. He's got such pretty lips.
LE: They're doing it.
GG: Who?
LE: Dean and Sam.
GG: THEY ARE NOT!
LE: They're parking the Impala around the back every single night. *wink*
GG: Ew! They're brothers!
LE: If all the blondes in my life turned out to be demons from hell, or they got stuck to the ceiling, eviscerated, and then lit on fire, I might reconsider dating.
GG: Only blondes, or dating in general?
LE: Are you hitting on me again?
GG: No!
LE: After graduation, I'm thinking about joining an all-brunette convent.
GG: Don't you mean a monastery?
LE: Yes. That is what I meant.
GG: Back on topic. Sam and Dean are not gay.
LE: Have you been watching the show?
GG: What about Layla? The girl in "Faith." She was blonde.
LE: Yeah, and terminally ill. And wasn't she played by Julie Benz, who played Darla on Buffy?
GG: OMG, you're right!
LE: EVIL!
GG: I think we have just cracked the vampire conspiracy.
LE: Is there a black van pulling up outside your room?
GG: Not yet. What about you?
LE: I'm eleven floors up.
GG: How about a black helicopter?
LE: BRB.
GG: No! We're off topic again. What is your favorite episode?
LE: Topic. How Gay is Dean Winchester?
GG: Not. Gay. I liked "Bloody Mary." That one was really spooky. And they never explained why Dean's eyes bled.
LE: Obviously, because he is hiding his forbidden lust for Sammy.
GG: No, he is not!
LE: In "Faith," Darla-Layla was going to seduce Dean, and then bite him.
GG: I don't blame her.
LE: But, Dean turned her down. Therefore Dean is gay.
GG: He's not gay!
LE: Plus, Sam and Dean are always in those motel rooms together, showering naked.
GG: They are not!
LE: After they get all bruised and sweaty, playing with their various phallic symbols all night.
GG: Stop it!
LE: All that salting and burning. Come on. Admit it. That's hot.
GG: It's a little bit hot.
LE: HAH!
GG: They will have to edit most of this.
LE: Beaver is gonna junk the whole thing.
GG: There are a few good parts.
LE: Next thrilling issue: a Sound-Off twenty-five words long!
GG: Why don't you tell me what you thought was the scariest episode? So we have something for the article?
LE: "The Benders."
GG: That one was so awful. They investigate all the disappearances and they find out there's no demon or ghost, or any monster doing those horrible things -- it's just people. Why did you pick that one?
LE: Because sometimes it is just people.
GG: Yes. I get that.
LE: Plus, Hot Cop.
GG: But, she wasn't blonde.
LE: She had handcuffs. I'm going to bed now.
GG: Do you think we have enough for the article?
Logan_Eecholls has left the chat room.
Gia_Goodman has left the chat room.
"Blue"
by Duncan Kane
This little piece of joy was written by our former editor Duncan Kane. We're not sure when it was written: was it before he ran away to Cuba or was it before he ran away to Mexico?
Blue
I drift in blue,
Far from the land,
Isolated,
Alone,
Numb from the cold.
I watch you on the shore,
You turn to another,
You were supposed to wait forever,
But I know I'm not coming back.
It pulls me down,
I can not breathe,
Blue turns to grey,
Grey turns to black,
Why are these the only colors I see?
The blue controls me,
Takes me away from what I love.
It's not my fault.
Dick
by Dick Casablancas
Not only did we discover Dick Casablancas' attempt at poetry, we also found the conversation behind it.
We know, we're awesome.
Dick_Casablancas: Dude you around?
Logan_Echolls: Yeah.
DC: Have you done the poetry thing yet?
LE Ja.
DC: Dude, I can't write anything. Besides, poetry is totally gay.
LE: Dude, you have to. Ms Substitute-teacher-of-the-week said so.
DC: I like her sweaters.
LE: The blue one?
DC: HOT!
LE: HOT!
DC: So what are you doing?
LE: Watching Battlestar Galactica.
DC: STARBUCK!
LE: Dude, Sharon.
DC: No way. She's like a robot. But then, that's kind of your thing lately.
LE: What?
DC: Miss Mars hasn't exactly been herself lately. It's like she's a cylon or whatever. And that Hannah chick? Buffybot 2.0. All that pink.
LE: What the frak ever.
DC: Ooh did I hit a nerve?
LE: Don't you have a poem to write?
DC: ****!
LE: It doesn't have to be good, it doesn't even have to rhyme.
DC: It's gay.
DC: Right?
DC: Dude?
DC: Where are you?
LE: Sorry. My fluffer just arrived.
DC: Heh. Awesome. So can I read your poem?
LE: No. Write your own. Write anything. Even an acrostic poem would be fine.
DC: Acrostic? That's like when you pick a word and each letter of the word is the beginning of a line, right?
LE: Yeah.
DC: Ok. I think I've got an idea.
DC: How's this?
Dick is my name
Interesting is what I am
Chicks are what I like
And then I can't think of anything that begins with "K".
LE: Kitchen, Koala, Kate, Kashmir, Korea, kleptomania, king.
DC: I can work with those.
DC: Ok I'm back but I can't decide which one to use.
1. Kitchens - I don't go there.
2. Katie Holmes - I'd do her.
3. Kashmir is what I wear sometimes.
4. King of the waves is what they call me.
5. Korea - we should blow them up next.
LE: Hmmmm. You know I really can't decide.
DC: I know. Poetry is gay.
LE: Which ever one you go with, I don't think you'll have to worry about it getting published.
DC: Surfing tomorrow?
LE: 7:30?
DC: Awesome. Later, man.
LE: Adios.
"Dick" by Dick Casablancas
Dick is my name,
Interesting is what I am,
Chicks are what I like,
King of the waves is what they call me.
Nobody has ever called Dick "King of the waves."
The Girl
by Eli “Weevil” Navarro
Written for a class assignment, this earned Weevil a trip to the counselor to discuss his issues.
The girl in the front of the room,
So close yet so far,
she never seems to notice,
That this silly schoolboy crush,
Isn't just pretend.
I seize the time,
There's only minutes left to zero,
Just got a little taste,
I gotta get some more.
In my life all I wanted was the keeping of someone like you.
We're pretty sure that Weevil didn't write this and is once again handing in song lyrics to a clueless teacher. If you can tell us who actually wrote this we'll give you...something. Googling is cheating!
What's My Line?
by Logan Echolls
The following poem was discovered along with the others turned in for Ms. Schecter, who substituted for Mrs. Murphy's English class, the week of the poetry assignment. One of our summer school newsroom staffers shared that class with Mr. Echolls, and reports that Logan did not turn in a poem, and received a zero for that assignment.
He shows me the palm of his hand and laughs,
"Here's where my dad crushed out his cigarette.
Where all the fortune-telling lines cross paths.
So many paths."
I'd rather deserve what I know I will get.
"Your son does not apply himself in class."
Here's where my dad crushed out his cigarette.
The world swims by the bottom of the glass,
Underwater, underliquor, unreal.
Your son does not apply himself in class.
Everyone guesses about what's concealed,
And guesses wrong. And I won't tell, and live
Underwater, underliquor, unreal.
"Sarcasm," she tells me, "is defensive."
Then rattles the latch on the circus cage
And guesses wrong. And I won't tell and live.
I'm not my father, even in my rage.
He shows me the palm of his hand and laughs,
Then rattles the latch on the circus cage,
Where all the fortune-telling lines cross paths.
So many paths.
Sound Off: Apocalypse How?
Moderator: Cassidy Casablancas
We think it's kind of obvious why this one was cut, but we honestly think it is the best Sound Off they ever did.
Cassidy_Casablancas: The world is a pretty screwed up place. Every day it feels like a world war is just around the corner. So for this week's sound off we pose the question "Assuming that you survive the apocalypse, what would you do next?" Mac, what would you do?
Cindy_Mackenzie: What kind of apocalypse is it?
Cassidy_Casablancas: Huh? Does it matter?
Cindy_Mackenzie: Of course! Is it a post-nuclear war kind of apocalypse where everything is infected with radiation and we're running out of clean air and all the electro-magnetic shock waves have rendered computers useless? Is it that kind of apocalypse?
Cassidy_Casablancas: Um, ok. It can be for the purpose of this discussion.
Madison_Sinclair: Geek girl would be dead of course. Like she could live with out her computers.
Veronica_Mars: I'll have you know that Mac has mad wilderness skillz.
Logan_Echolls: Did you just say "mad wilderness skillz"?
Veronica_Mars: Technically, I typed it and I was using the words "mad" and "skillz" quasi-ironically.
Logan_Echolls: We can use words "quasi-ironically" now?
Veronica_Mars: Yes.
Cassidy_Casablancas: Um, guys? The topic is post-apocalyptic life not word usage.
Gia_Goodman: The apocalypse would be so sad. I mean like, if people are running for their lives or whatever, are they going to remember to bring their pets along too? And what if they've got a lot of pets, like they keep chickens or whatever? Or if their cat has just had kittens? Or fish!? They'd totally be hard to transport.
Logan_Echolls: Only you Gia would come up with such a unique perspective on the situation.
Gia_Goodman: Thanks!
Dick_Casablancas: So now we have to worry about pet care in an apocalypse?
Veronica_Mars: I don't think it's a bad point to raise. I've got a dog and though he can defend himself, he can't hunt for his own food.
Dick_Casablancas: Screw the animals. You need to have your priorities in check for an apocalypse. Here's what I'd do.
- 1. Find some place safe and go there. Higher ground is preferable.
Dick_Casablancas: Not done yet Ron Ron.
- 2. Get food and water. Loot if you have to. And it's going to be dog eat dog out there so you're going to have be prepared to fight for it.
Dick_Casablancas:
- 3. Next you need to protect yourself. Weapons, baby. But also protective clothing. I'm thinking leather.
4. Then you kill all the fat people because they eat the most and you don't want to have to share your supplies. Also, in times of great need, they can be used as a food source.
Veronica_Mars: Did you actually just say that?
Gia_Goodman: I think that's a little insensitive Dick. Do you have issues with your own body image that you might be projecting?
Madison_Sinclair: God, Dick! You are just so immature. We can't eat fat people Dick! It sets a precedent. Then it's a slippery slope to eating thin people.
Veronica_Mars: Madison! The hell?
Logan_Echolls: Am I the only one who thinks all this is amusing?
Veronica_Mars: Amusing? Madison's number 1 objection to Dick's cannibalism is that it would set a precedent!
Cindy_Mackenzie: Breathe deep Veronica.
Veronica_Mars: It’s ok, I’m calm now.
Cassidy_Casablancas: Guys let's just drop the cannibalism. Block it from our minds. I think this sound off can still be saved.
Logan_Echolls: I think not.
Cassidy_Casablancas: Logan, what would you do in a post-apocalyptic world?
Logan_Echolls: Can we choose a different kind of apocalypse?
Cassidy_Casablancas: Ok.
Logan_Echolls: Well if unicorns killed 99.9% of the world's population I'd probably live on my yacht, because although unicorns can swim, they can't swim forever. Eventually they'd drown and die.
Cindy_Mackenzie: Killer unicorns?
Veronica_Mars: Logan, unicorns are beautiful, magical creatures who would never hurt anybody.
Logan_Echolls: If they would never hurt anybody, then why do they have those horns on their foreheads?
Gia_Goodman: I think they use them to defend virgins or people who are pure. But I still don't think that unicorns are a very scary apocalypse.
Logan_Echolls: Ok, they're killer zombie unicorns.
Veronica_Mars: Ah, but would a zombie unicorn get tired of swimming? I think not. They'd sink your yacht by poking holes in the hull with their horns.
Cassidy_Casablancas: Are we actually debating an apocalypse of “killer zombie unicorns”? I thought we’d discuss how society would re-shape itself, what system of government we’d choose, how we’d deal without technology.
Dick_Casablancas: Wow, that was pretty optimistic of you. I thought I’d raised you to be more pessimistic about life.
Gia_Goodman: Well if the apocalypse were to happen, I guess I’d just be mostly concerned about my family.
Veronica_Mars: Me too.
Logan_Echolls: Me three... Oh wait, just remembered who my dad is and that I'm not fond of him.
Dick_Casablancas: Dude, you’ve got Trina. And she’s totally smokin’ hot. I’d re-populate the planet with her.
Logan_Echolls: I am going to be sick.
Madison_Sinclair: I don’t have to worry about my family being killed. Our house was built back during that whole cold war thing and the original owners installed this totally awesome bomb shelter.
Cindy_Mackenzie: How nice for you and your family.
Madison_Sinclair: We mostly use it as a wine cellar now.
Dick_Casablancas: I think we have a panic room at our house but I can’t remember where it is.
Logan_Echolls: I had a house once…
Gia_Goodman: And how does that make you feel Logan?
Logan_Echolls: Honestly Gia? I’m an emotional wreck. I really loved that TV.
Cassidy_Casablancas: This sound off was a complete waste of time. We’re just going to have to pick another topic and do it all over again.
Dick_Casablancas: Aw crap.
This drawing was discovered in a trash can outside Clemmons' office.
Special thanks go out to afrocurl, babsonite, bennet_7, dark_roast, kaosmalek and spadada.