M*A*S*H Quotes - Season 3, Part 3
And here's the final batch from season 3!
The Consultant
Hawkeye: I loved a girl in San Francisco once. No, twice.
Frank: Degenerates.
Trapper: You peeked.
Frank: Major.
Borelli1: Honorary. I'm a doctor, not really a major.
Hawkeye: Perfect. Frank's a major who's not really a doctor.
Trapper: (to a nurse, during OR) Come on, gimme a wipe, will ya? I'm sweating like a pig.
(Borelli, who was passing by, wipes his brow)
Trapper: Thanks, sweetheart.
Borelli: You're welcome, darling.
Borelli: (about Frank and Margaret) What's the story with those two?
Hawkeye: He's a creep.
Trapper: She's a creepette.
Hawkeye: They met in adjoining jars in medical school.
Hawkeye: (during OR) Stick around, folks. As an encore, I'm going to sew Major Houlihan and Trapper together.
House Arrest
Margaret: I'm just so nervous about Colonel Reese coming.
Hawkeye: Oh, don't tell me. What is he - another root-canal wizard from Passaic?
Margaret: It's a she. A very important nurse.
Frank: The most decorated nurse in the army.
Trapper: Great. We can put our Christmas presents under her.
Frank: Pierce, as you superior officer I order you to cease this harassing.
Trapper: Watch your language, Frank.
Frank: You stay out of this, keed.
Trapper: I can't allow dirty language in front of Captain Pierce. I promised his mother.
Frank: (after being punched in the face by Hawkeye) I'd better see a doctor. Is there anybody who isn't mad at me?
Henry: Klinger, it's 4 o'clock in the afternoon and you're still in a housecoat? Put on a dress. You never know who might be coming around.
Frank: (as Trapper arrives with Hawkeye's meal) What does he have for dinner, McIntyre?
Trapper: Hash.
Frank: With a poached egg?
Trapper: That, or an eye was looking out of it.
Frank: That kind of talk tightens my colon.
PA announcer: Attention. Due to last night's groping, tomorrow night's movies will be shown with the lights on.
(Colonel Reese tries to kiss Frank)
Frank: I wish you wouldn't do that. I hardly know you.
Colonel Reese: Well, now, what's to know? You're a man, I'm a woman, trapped together in the ravages of war. (she tries to kiss his neck again)
Frank: But we're officers!
Colonel Reese: Where do you think non-coms come from?
Aid Station
Radar: I'll eat what you don't want.
Hawkeye: Your death wish is my command.
Margaret: I don't think it's too much for officers to be military at breakfast.
Trapper: I can't throw up and salute at the same time.
Henry: You do trust Father Mulcahy?
Hawkeye: It says I should on all my money. If you can't believe your money who can you believe?
Hawkeye: Listen.
Trapper: Yeah?
Hawkeye: While I'm gone...
Trapper: Yeah, yeah.
Hawkeye: Promise me you'll go out with other doctors.
Trapper: Yeah, right. And when you come back, knock twice and give me five minutes.
Hawkeye: There's a letter in my locker.
Trapper: OK.
Hawkeye: It's my will.
Trapper: Right.
Hawkeye: I leave everything to the Benjamin Franklin Pierce Memorial Brothel.
Trapper: (laughing) I'll deliver it in person.
(Hawkeye, Margaret and Klinger are in an aid station during heavy shelling)
Margaret: Are they getting closer?
Hawkeye: It's an optical illusion. You can't tell me they'd kill a medical person in a mission of mercy.
Margaret: They've already killed one surgeon here.
Hawkeye: I told you, you can't tell me that.
Frank: Colonel Blake, I insist that you order McIntyre to stop harassing me. It's tough enough doing surgery under these primitive conditions.
Trapper: Surgery?! You medical moron. You couldn't cut a salami without bungling it.
Frank: Oh yeah?!
Henry: Enough. From both of you.
Frank: He started it!
Henry: Frank, I swear, I'm gonna put it in your record you don't work and play well with others.
(Henry leaves; Trapper sticks out his tongue at Frank before following Henry)
Radar: Sir, I'm not feeling too hot.
Trapper: Maybe it's everything you ate.
Radar: No, sir. Um, the thing of it is, I'm... lonely. It's so quiet and everything.
Trapper: (smiling) It's OK, Radar. You can sleep in Hawkeye's bunk.
Radar: Really?
Frank: This is an officers' tent!
Trapper: Try to snore importantly, Radar.
Radar: Yes, sir.
Trapper: And remember, Hawkeye would be very upset if you had an accident in there.
Radar: Oh, yes, sir.
Frank: (sarcastic) Is that it? You're not going to tuck him in? No bedtime story?
Trapper: Radar, do you want me to tuck you in and tell you a bedtime story?
Radar: No, sir.
Trapper: That's it, Frank.
Trapper: (about Margaret) How was the major?
Hawkeye: Pretty damn good.
Trapper: You fink! Start from the top.
Hawkeye: (finally realizing what Trapper meant) Oh, no. Nothing like that.
Trapper: But you just...
Hawkeye: She worked like a trooper, above and beyond the call. Boy, your mind is in the gutter.
Trapper: I can't help it. It's attached to my body.
Frank: (to Margaret) I wrote you the longest love letter of my life. It takes up almost a whole roll of toilet paper.
Frank: I just wish I could make out what it was I was eating.
Trapper: All it needs is a little salt. And pepper. Mustard. Ketchup. Sauce. Flavor.
Frank: And of course the coffee's cold again.
Trapper: It's getting better. It's less purple.
Love and Marriage
Trapper: Thank God Henry runs the hospital. The war would be no fun without him.
Hawkeye: Makes you glad he mugged that med student and stole his diploma.
Radar: Y'know, we don't have any diapers around here or anything.
Hawkeye: Can we borrow some of your shorts?
Radar: OK.
(Kwang's wife goes into labor in the bus, and Hawkeye and Radar are the only people around)
Hawkeye: I'm gonna need your help.
Radar: (in panic) But I'm no good at delivering babies. When the cat had kittens they sent me to the movies.
Hawkeye: Radar, there's nothing to it. It's a natural experience.
Radar: So's fainting!
Big Mac
Trapper: Hello, Frank. How are you?
Frank: Pretty big talk.
Frank: Need some help, Pierce?
Hawkeye: No, thanks. I'd rather save the patient.
Henry: (on the phone) Yes, sir. Yes indeed, sir. Yes, sir. What's that, sir? The 19th, Colonel? The 19th. Now, let me see. The 19th would... That would be between the 18th and the 20th, if I'm any judge of 19ths. Yes, sir. Uh, yes, sir, we'll be ready. Oh, uh, and Colonel, let me just add that this is an honor that thrills me right down to my toenails.
Henry: Radar, this is the biggest thing that's happened to me since I did my first strangulated hernia.
Colonel Whiteman: I'm sure you must all be excited with the idea of meeting our supreme commander.
Trapper: I'm thrilled beyond repair.
Hawkeye: My bellybutton's been puckering and unpuckering all day.
Margaret: Colonel Whiteman, I just want to say that this disrespectful attitude is in no way shared by myself or Major Burns on my right.
Trapper: On your right what?
Frank: I think the Colonel might like to know that Major Houlihan's father was under General MacArthur in the cavalry.
Hawkeye: (to Trapper) Her father was a horse. Did you know that?
Trapper: (to Margaret) Our engagement is off.
Colonel Whiteman: Now then, after lunch...
Hawkeye: And the barfing thereof.
Colonel Whiteman: To proceed. The general's visit is a tribute to your unit's efficiency. A demonstration of your function would be most apropos.
Hawkeye: We could do an operation for him.
Henry: Pierce...
Frank: Don't be a simp!
Margaret: We operate every day. Perhaps the general would like to observe our surgeons at work.
Trapper: Yeah, with a stitch-by-stitch commentary.
Hawkeye: After a big finish, a post-op infection.
Colonel Whiteman: (to Henry) It has possibilities, Colonel.
Henry: Well, that's just what I was thinking. I mean, it'd be a real eye-popper.
Frank: (raising his hand) Colonel?
Colonel Whiteman: Yes.
Frank: Um, as adjutant and Assistant Chief Surgeon, I'd like to volunteer for that operation.
Margaret: How splendid, Major.
Henry: Very good, Frank.
Trapper: Lovely.
Hawkeye: Then it's agreed. We'll do a hysterectomy on Major Burns.
Hawkeye: Does this mean Radar has to take a bath?
Trapper: I hope so.
Hawkeye: We'll carry him down to the river and beat him on a rock.
Trapper: Frank, what are you doing?
Frank: Burning books.
Hawkeye: Oh. Any special reason, Dr. Hitler?
Frank: One of the greatest living Americans is coming and I'm not gonna let him see some of the trash that's read around here.
Trapper: (taking the books from Frank's hands and reading the titles) Plato's Republic, The Life of Red Grange?
Hawkeye: Revolutionaries.
Frank: Right!
Trapper: Robinson Crusoe?
Hawkeye: Everybody runs around half-naked.
Trapper: Norman Mailer.
Frank: It's got that word in it.
(Trapper pretends to gasp)
Hawkeye: Frank, you burn one more book, I'm gonna give you a dancing lesson in the minefield. Now knock it off, gnat brain!
Frank: General of the Army, General Douglas MacArthur, your supreme commander, is going to inspect you, fella!
Trapper: Genuflect when you say that, pal!
Hawkeye: And he's gonna find us just the way we are. And what we are. Draftee doctors. A little gamey and dazed from crawling inside people trying to keep them breathing.
Trapper: Forget Fort Dix, Frank. This is Bedpan Alley.
Frank: Oh, okey-doke. You slackers do what you want, but I'm gonna show the general we're military. And I order you to clean up that unholy mess in there. And if you don't, I will.
Hawkeye: You touch one dirty sock, you remove one layer of crud, you kill one cockroach, Frank, and I will personally grind you into a fine powder and sprinkle you on MacArthur's oatmeal.
Trapper: What he said. (grimaces)
Henry: Klinger, the one thing that General MacArthur may not understand at a military hospital four miles from the front, is a flower girl with a five-o'clock shadow.
Payday
Hawkeye: Radar, you've got class coming out of each bellybutton.
Frank: Next time, stand a little closer to the razor when you shave.
Klinger: My knees get in the way.
Henry: (about Radar) I don't look old enough to be his father, do I?
Nurse: No, sir.
Henry: I've never been sure, you know. I spent a week in his hometown once.
Hawkeye: Frank, if I could yawn with my mouth closed, you'd have no idea how boring you really are.
Quoc: I sold the last set to a major a couple of tents down. I can get you the same in an hour.
Margaret: A major? Major Burns?
Quoc: I don't know his name. He had what we call in Korea a real fertilizer face.
Nurse: Captain Pierce, you dance divinely.
Hawkeye: My parents made me take divine lessons.
Nurse: Smart parents.
Hawkeye: It broke my heart to leave them back there on Krypton.
Hawkeye: And now, my dear, shall we repair to my tent?
Nurse: I didn't even know it was broken.
Sloan: I'm looking for your colonel, Major.
Frank: I have no idea where my colonel major is, Captain.
Hawkeye: (to Sloan) How long have you had this delusion that you're human?
White Gold
Nurse: Hm. You're such a good kisser.
Hawkeye: Grandfather left me his lips. He died in mid-pucker.
Margaret: Isn't there one man among you?
Hawkeye: The job's open, Margaret.
Hawkeye: Guy told me about a sergeant down in Seoul the other day - sold his jeep while his major was asleep in the back seat.
Trapper: Yeah? How much are they getting for used majors?
Hawkeye: Shall we sell Hot Lips and find out?
Trapper: Too much mileage in her.
(Hawkeye and Trapper are treating Colonel Flagg's self-inflicted wounds)
Hawkeye: The powder-blue thread, I think. Would you like it to say "Home Sweet Home" or "Mother"?
Trapper: I don't think he's ever had either one.
Hawkeye: I'll just put his initials. CIA: Crazy In the Army.
Abyssinia, Henry
Radar: Oh, you wanted to make that phone call to your wife.
Henry: Oh, right, right, right, right. Now, let's see, Radar. We're a day ahead plus 14 hours, right?
Radar: No, sir, the States are a day ahead plus 14 hours.
Henry: Then it's yesterday in Bloomington?
Radar: Yes, sir.
Henry: Then I should have called her yesterday.
Radar: Well, you didn't know about it then.
Henry: Why can't everybody be on the same time?
Radar: Because the Earth is round and keeps rotating all the time.
Henry: Oh. I thought it was just an army thing.
Frank: I just wish I'd taken ROTC in school. I wasted so much time in the stamp club.
Margaret: I thought you were president.
Frank: Well, it wasn't leadership. They needed someone to lick the stamps and I had the biggest tongue.
Henry: There's a picture of you and me, Radar.
Radar: (checking picture) Oh, that's right after you took out my appendix.
Henry: Hm. You were one sick kid. You know I looked for that thing till 4 in the morning? It was behind your caecum.
Radar: Oh, I didn't put it there on purpose, sir.
(it's Henry's farewell party at Rosie's bar, and everybody is really drunk)
Hawkeye: How you doin', Henry?
Henry: I gotta go to the toidy is how I'm doin'. (chuckles) But can I find it is what I don't know.
Trapper: (giggling) You go out the back door, you'll come to a big tree. You pass the big tree, go to a second tree. The toidy is the third tree. The third tree is the toidy.
(they all laugh)
Henry: I can't wait. Which tree is it?
Trapper: Number one is for number two, and number tree is for number one.
Hawkeye: Number four is the ladies' tree. Don't go there.
Hawkeye: Stand up straight.
Trapper: I'm standing straight. The country's crooked.
Radar: Do you know what is in that box?
Henry: What?
Radar: A brand new suit.
Henry: How did you know my size?
Radar: I traced you when you were asleep.
1 Played by Alan Alda's father, Robert.
M*A*S*H Quotes:
SEASON 1: Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3
SEASON 2: Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3
SEASON 3: Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3
The Consultant
Hawkeye: I loved a girl in San Francisco once. No, twice.
Frank: Degenerates.
Trapper: You peeked.
Frank: Major.
Borelli1: Honorary. I'm a doctor, not really a major.
Hawkeye: Perfect. Frank's a major who's not really a doctor.
Trapper: (to a nurse, during OR) Come on, gimme a wipe, will ya? I'm sweating like a pig.
(Borelli, who was passing by, wipes his brow)
Trapper: Thanks, sweetheart.
Borelli: You're welcome, darling.
Borelli: (about Frank and Margaret) What's the story with those two?
Hawkeye: He's a creep.
Trapper: She's a creepette.
Hawkeye: They met in adjoining jars in medical school.
Hawkeye: (during OR) Stick around, folks. As an encore, I'm going to sew Major Houlihan and Trapper together.
House Arrest
Margaret: I'm just so nervous about Colonel Reese coming.
Hawkeye: Oh, don't tell me. What is he - another root-canal wizard from Passaic?
Margaret: It's a she. A very important nurse.
Frank: The most decorated nurse in the army.
Trapper: Great. We can put our Christmas presents under her.
Frank: Pierce, as you superior officer I order you to cease this harassing.
Trapper: Watch your language, Frank.
Frank: You stay out of this, keed.
Trapper: I can't allow dirty language in front of Captain Pierce. I promised his mother.
Frank: (after being punched in the face by Hawkeye) I'd better see a doctor. Is there anybody who isn't mad at me?
Henry: Klinger, it's 4 o'clock in the afternoon and you're still in a housecoat? Put on a dress. You never know who might be coming around.
Frank: (as Trapper arrives with Hawkeye's meal) What does he have for dinner, McIntyre?
Trapper: Hash.
Frank: With a poached egg?
Trapper: That, or an eye was looking out of it.
Frank: That kind of talk tightens my colon.
PA announcer: Attention. Due to last night's groping, tomorrow night's movies will be shown with the lights on.
(Colonel Reese tries to kiss Frank)
Frank: I wish you wouldn't do that. I hardly know you.
Colonel Reese: Well, now, what's to know? You're a man, I'm a woman, trapped together in the ravages of war. (she tries to kiss his neck again)
Frank: But we're officers!
Colonel Reese: Where do you think non-coms come from?
Aid Station
Radar: I'll eat what you don't want.
Hawkeye: Your death wish is my command.
Margaret: I don't think it's too much for officers to be military at breakfast.
Trapper: I can't throw up and salute at the same time.
Henry: You do trust Father Mulcahy?
Hawkeye: It says I should on all my money. If you can't believe your money who can you believe?
Hawkeye: Listen.
Trapper: Yeah?
Hawkeye: While I'm gone...
Trapper: Yeah, yeah.
Hawkeye: Promise me you'll go out with other doctors.
Trapper: Yeah, right. And when you come back, knock twice and give me five minutes.
Hawkeye: There's a letter in my locker.
Trapper: OK.
Hawkeye: It's my will.
Trapper: Right.
Hawkeye: I leave everything to the Benjamin Franklin Pierce Memorial Brothel.
Trapper: (laughing) I'll deliver it in person.
(Hawkeye, Margaret and Klinger are in an aid station during heavy shelling)
Margaret: Are they getting closer?
Hawkeye: It's an optical illusion. You can't tell me they'd kill a medical person in a mission of mercy.
Margaret: They've already killed one surgeon here.
Hawkeye: I told you, you can't tell me that.
Frank: Colonel Blake, I insist that you order McIntyre to stop harassing me. It's tough enough doing surgery under these primitive conditions.
Trapper: Surgery?! You medical moron. You couldn't cut a salami without bungling it.
Frank: Oh yeah?!
Henry: Enough. From both of you.
Frank: He started it!
Henry: Frank, I swear, I'm gonna put it in your record you don't work and play well with others.
(Henry leaves; Trapper sticks out his tongue at Frank before following Henry)
Radar: Sir, I'm not feeling too hot.
Trapper: Maybe it's everything you ate.
Radar: No, sir. Um, the thing of it is, I'm... lonely. It's so quiet and everything.
Trapper: (smiling) It's OK, Radar. You can sleep in Hawkeye's bunk.
Radar: Really?
Frank: This is an officers' tent!
Trapper: Try to snore importantly, Radar.
Radar: Yes, sir.
Trapper: And remember, Hawkeye would be very upset if you had an accident in there.
Radar: Oh, yes, sir.
Frank: (sarcastic) Is that it? You're not going to tuck him in? No bedtime story?
Trapper: Radar, do you want me to tuck you in and tell you a bedtime story?
Radar: No, sir.
Trapper: That's it, Frank.
Trapper: (about Margaret) How was the major?
Hawkeye: Pretty damn good.
Trapper: You fink! Start from the top.
Hawkeye: (finally realizing what Trapper meant) Oh, no. Nothing like that.
Trapper: But you just...
Hawkeye: She worked like a trooper, above and beyond the call. Boy, your mind is in the gutter.
Trapper: I can't help it. It's attached to my body.
Frank: (to Margaret) I wrote you the longest love letter of my life. It takes up almost a whole roll of toilet paper.
Frank: I just wish I could make out what it was I was eating.
Trapper: All it needs is a little salt. And pepper. Mustard. Ketchup. Sauce. Flavor.
Frank: And of course the coffee's cold again.
Trapper: It's getting better. It's less purple.
Love and Marriage
Trapper: Thank God Henry runs the hospital. The war would be no fun without him.
Hawkeye: Makes you glad he mugged that med student and stole his diploma.
Radar: Y'know, we don't have any diapers around here or anything.
Hawkeye: Can we borrow some of your shorts?
Radar: OK.
(Kwang's wife goes into labor in the bus, and Hawkeye and Radar are the only people around)
Hawkeye: I'm gonna need your help.
Radar: (in panic) But I'm no good at delivering babies. When the cat had kittens they sent me to the movies.
Hawkeye: Radar, there's nothing to it. It's a natural experience.
Radar: So's fainting!
Big Mac
Trapper: Hello, Frank. How are you?
Frank: Pretty big talk.
Frank: Need some help, Pierce?
Hawkeye: No, thanks. I'd rather save the patient.
Henry: (on the phone) Yes, sir. Yes indeed, sir. Yes, sir. What's that, sir? The 19th, Colonel? The 19th. Now, let me see. The 19th would... That would be between the 18th and the 20th, if I'm any judge of 19ths. Yes, sir. Uh, yes, sir, we'll be ready. Oh, uh, and Colonel, let me just add that this is an honor that thrills me right down to my toenails.
Henry: Radar, this is the biggest thing that's happened to me since I did my first strangulated hernia.
Colonel Whiteman: I'm sure you must all be excited with the idea of meeting our supreme commander.
Trapper: I'm thrilled beyond repair.
Hawkeye: My bellybutton's been puckering and unpuckering all day.
Margaret: Colonel Whiteman, I just want to say that this disrespectful attitude is in no way shared by myself or Major Burns on my right.
Trapper: On your right what?
Frank: I think the Colonel might like to know that Major Houlihan's father was under General MacArthur in the cavalry.
Hawkeye: (to Trapper) Her father was a horse. Did you know that?
Trapper: (to Margaret) Our engagement is off.
Colonel Whiteman: Now then, after lunch...
Hawkeye: And the barfing thereof.
Colonel Whiteman: To proceed. The general's visit is a tribute to your unit's efficiency. A demonstration of your function would be most apropos.
Hawkeye: We could do an operation for him.
Henry: Pierce...
Frank: Don't be a simp!
Margaret: We operate every day. Perhaps the general would like to observe our surgeons at work.
Trapper: Yeah, with a stitch-by-stitch commentary.
Hawkeye: After a big finish, a post-op infection.
Colonel Whiteman: (to Henry) It has possibilities, Colonel.
Henry: Well, that's just what I was thinking. I mean, it'd be a real eye-popper.
Frank: (raising his hand) Colonel?
Colonel Whiteman: Yes.
Frank: Um, as adjutant and Assistant Chief Surgeon, I'd like to volunteer for that operation.
Margaret: How splendid, Major.
Henry: Very good, Frank.
Trapper: Lovely.
Hawkeye: Then it's agreed. We'll do a hysterectomy on Major Burns.
Hawkeye: Does this mean Radar has to take a bath?
Trapper: I hope so.
Hawkeye: We'll carry him down to the river and beat him on a rock.
Trapper: Frank, what are you doing?
Frank: Burning books.
Hawkeye: Oh. Any special reason, Dr. Hitler?
Frank: One of the greatest living Americans is coming and I'm not gonna let him see some of the trash that's read around here.
Trapper: (taking the books from Frank's hands and reading the titles) Plato's Republic, The Life of Red Grange?
Hawkeye: Revolutionaries.
Frank: Right!
Trapper: Robinson Crusoe?
Hawkeye: Everybody runs around half-naked.
Trapper: Norman Mailer.
Frank: It's got that word in it.
(Trapper pretends to gasp)
Hawkeye: Frank, you burn one more book, I'm gonna give you a dancing lesson in the minefield. Now knock it off, gnat brain!
Frank: General of the Army, General Douglas MacArthur, your supreme commander, is going to inspect you, fella!
Trapper: Genuflect when you say that, pal!
Hawkeye: And he's gonna find us just the way we are. And what we are. Draftee doctors. A little gamey and dazed from crawling inside people trying to keep them breathing.
Trapper: Forget Fort Dix, Frank. This is Bedpan Alley.
Frank: Oh, okey-doke. You slackers do what you want, but I'm gonna show the general we're military. And I order you to clean up that unholy mess in there. And if you don't, I will.
Hawkeye: You touch one dirty sock, you remove one layer of crud, you kill one cockroach, Frank, and I will personally grind you into a fine powder and sprinkle you on MacArthur's oatmeal.
Trapper: What he said. (grimaces)
Henry: Klinger, the one thing that General MacArthur may not understand at a military hospital four miles from the front, is a flower girl with a five-o'clock shadow.
Payday
Hawkeye: Radar, you've got class coming out of each bellybutton.
Frank: Next time, stand a little closer to the razor when you shave.
Klinger: My knees get in the way.
Henry: (about Radar) I don't look old enough to be his father, do I?
Nurse: No, sir.
Henry: I've never been sure, you know. I spent a week in his hometown once.
Hawkeye: Frank, if I could yawn with my mouth closed, you'd have no idea how boring you really are.
Quoc: I sold the last set to a major a couple of tents down. I can get you the same in an hour.
Margaret: A major? Major Burns?
Quoc: I don't know his name. He had what we call in Korea a real fertilizer face.
Nurse: Captain Pierce, you dance divinely.
Hawkeye: My parents made me take divine lessons.
Nurse: Smart parents.
Hawkeye: It broke my heart to leave them back there on Krypton.
Hawkeye: And now, my dear, shall we repair to my tent?
Nurse: I didn't even know it was broken.
Sloan: I'm looking for your colonel, Major.
Frank: I have no idea where my colonel major is, Captain.
Hawkeye: (to Sloan) How long have you had this delusion that you're human?
White Gold
Nurse: Hm. You're such a good kisser.
Hawkeye: Grandfather left me his lips. He died in mid-pucker.
Margaret: Isn't there one man among you?
Hawkeye: The job's open, Margaret.
Hawkeye: Guy told me about a sergeant down in Seoul the other day - sold his jeep while his major was asleep in the back seat.
Trapper: Yeah? How much are they getting for used majors?
Hawkeye: Shall we sell Hot Lips and find out?
Trapper: Too much mileage in her.
(Hawkeye and Trapper are treating Colonel Flagg's self-inflicted wounds)
Hawkeye: The powder-blue thread, I think. Would you like it to say "Home Sweet Home" or "Mother"?
Trapper: I don't think he's ever had either one.
Hawkeye: I'll just put his initials. CIA: Crazy In the Army.
Abyssinia, Henry
Radar: Oh, you wanted to make that phone call to your wife.
Henry: Oh, right, right, right, right. Now, let's see, Radar. We're a day ahead plus 14 hours, right?
Radar: No, sir, the States are a day ahead plus 14 hours.
Henry: Then it's yesterday in Bloomington?
Radar: Yes, sir.
Henry: Then I should have called her yesterday.
Radar: Well, you didn't know about it then.
Henry: Why can't everybody be on the same time?
Radar: Because the Earth is round and keeps rotating all the time.
Henry: Oh. I thought it was just an army thing.
Frank: I just wish I'd taken ROTC in school. I wasted so much time in the stamp club.
Margaret: I thought you were president.
Frank: Well, it wasn't leadership. They needed someone to lick the stamps and I had the biggest tongue.
Henry: There's a picture of you and me, Radar.
Radar: (checking picture) Oh, that's right after you took out my appendix.
Henry: Hm. You were one sick kid. You know I looked for that thing till 4 in the morning? It was behind your caecum.
Radar: Oh, I didn't put it there on purpose, sir.
(it's Henry's farewell party at Rosie's bar, and everybody is really drunk)
Hawkeye: How you doin', Henry?
Henry: I gotta go to the toidy is how I'm doin'. (chuckles) But can I find it is what I don't know.
Trapper: (giggling) You go out the back door, you'll come to a big tree. You pass the big tree, go to a second tree. The toidy is the third tree. The third tree is the toidy.
(they all laugh)
Henry: I can't wait. Which tree is it?
Trapper: Number one is for number two, and number tree is for number one.
Hawkeye: Number four is the ladies' tree. Don't go there.
Hawkeye: Stand up straight.
Trapper: I'm standing straight. The country's crooked.
Radar: Do you know what is in that box?
Henry: What?
Radar: A brand new suit.
Henry: How did you know my size?
Radar: I traced you when you were asleep.
1 Played by Alan Alda's father, Robert.
M*A*S*H Quotes:
SEASON 1: Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3
SEASON 2: Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3
SEASON 3: Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3