M*A*S*H Quotes - Season 3, Part 2
And here's a new installment in our M*A*S*H quotes - this time with lots of Trapper/Margaret goodness for lucy_lupin and all the other lovely T/M shippers out there :)
Alcoholics Unanimous
Hawkeye: The evening is still young. You got any plans, Lieutenant?
Nurse: I'm going straight to bed.
Hawkeye: Best offer I've heard all night.
Frank: You two are alcoholics - hopeless, elbow-bending boozers.
Hawkeye: In your ear.
Frank: Oh yeah, boy? (he reaches for his papers) From the deputy assistant undersecretary of defense on drug and alcohol abuse. "Surveys have shown that 57.230 of all military personnel in the Asian theatre have a drinking problem."
Hawkeye: We do not have a drinking problem. (to Trapper) Right, Smedley?
Trapper: (with an English accent) Righto.
Frank: Well, they've enclosed a test.
Hawkeye: (to Trapper, about their martinis) Do you think there's too much vermouth in this?
Trapper: Not for me. It's a little more ginny than the last batch, though.
Hawkeye: Hm. Maybe, maybe.
Frank: (reading the test) First question: do you think and talk about drinking often?
Hawkeye: No, of course not.
Trapper: Hell, no.
Hawkeye: (to Trapper) I see what you mean about the gin.
Frank: Do you sometimes gulp drinks?
(Hawkeye and Trapper drink their martinis in one gulp)
Trapper: Ahh! Never.
Frank: Do you sometimes forget what happened while you were drinking?
Hawkeye: What?
Frank: Question number three. Do you sometimes forget what happened while you were drinking?
Trapper: What happened to question number two?
Hawkeye: He forgot it. He forgets while we drink. (to Frank) The answer to question number three is no.
Margaret: Oh, Frank. Every day you remind me more and more of Dad.
Frank: The Colonel?
Margaret: Your natural leadership. The receding hairline. Those two warts on your back.
(Trapper and Hawkeye are opening a safe in the supply tent)
Hawkeye: Come on, come on, Fingers.
Trapper: Trying to find the right key.
Hawkeye: That looks right.
Trapper: My wife's car.
Hawkeye: What are you doing with it over here?
Trapper: She's a lousy driver.
Hawkeye: (pointing to another key) What's that for? Her chastity belt?
Hawkeye: (about Frank) We'll get around him or my name's not whatever my name is.
Hawkeye: (to Margaret) You're the woman my mother always hoped I'd be.
Frank: The men detest me, don't they?
Radar: Oh, no, sir.
Frank: Oh, you can tell the truth. They hate me, don't they?
Radar: Just your guts, sir.
Frank: Well, this is for their own good. They don't have to love me.
Radar: Oh, I'm sure they'll be very happy to hear that, Major.
Frank: Have you ever given a lecture on temperance, Father? On the evils of drink?
Father Mulcahy: Well, no, I haven't. But on the troopship I was asked to give a lecture on that sex thing.
Frank: Good.
Father Mulcahy: Well... Being celibate, I didn't feel qualified. They called in a Protestant. He had a film about two sailors. One was from Cleveland, ostensibly, and the other from a small rural area. The city boy decided to stay on his ship and write his high-school sweetheart - a lovely young girl, with a megaphone on her chest.
Frank: Father, please. This is important.
Father Mulcahy: The country boy got mixed up with a young lady who lived in a trailer with three other young ladies and a man with a whip.
Frank: Father?
Father Mulcahy: Broke his wristwatch and everything.
Trapper: Did you use my razor?
Hawkeye: I've had several complaints about my armpits.
There is Nothing Like a Nurse
Margaret: Colonel Blake, I wish to charge Lieutenant Janet Baker with insubordination, and I insist on your assurance that she will be given prompt and vigorous punishment.
Henry: Well, Major, there's a French unit right down the road. Now why don't you just run down there and see if you can borrow their guillotine?
(Margaret slams her clipboard on the table; Henry, who has a huge hangover, cringes)
Henry: Don't do that.
Margaret: I want her placed under bed arrest.
Henry: Bed what?
Margaret: When she's not on duty and other than at mealtimes, she is to sit on the edge of her bed at attention for one month.
Henry: Oh, be reasonable, Major. You can't keep a nurse in bed for a month. Although there are a few people who have tried it.
Hawkeye: Hello, Frank.
Frank: I've heard that before.
Radar: Did I ever tell you how much you look like my sister?
Margaret: (smiling) No.
Radar: 'Cept you're a lot older.
Margaret: That would be your younger sister?
Radar: No, she's 37.
Margaret: Don't slam the door.
Radar: Am I leaving?
Hawkeye: Do you know you have this thing back here?
Nurse: What thing?
Hawkeye: My tongue.
Trapper: Boy, do I miss my wife.
Hawkeye: So do I. I don't even know your wife and I miss her.
Trapper: I'll miss my wife. You miss my mother.
Hawkeye: Fence builder.
Frank: We happen to be under blackout conditions, gentlemen. We're still at war, you know.
Hawkeye: Ah, I guess that explains all the boom-booms.
Frank: That sassy jabber is wasted on me, Captain Wise Apple.
Hawkeye: I'm miserable enough, Frank. Don't start with me or I'll give you a nose job from the inside.
Trapper: If Hot Lips were here right now, I'd kiss her feet.
Hawkeye: And bump into Frank coming around a toe?
Frank: (on the phone) Margaret, are there... there?
Margaret: Are there what here?
Frank: Margaret, falling for me, I realized how easily you can be taken in by a handsome face.
Margaret: You're not jealous?
Frank: I'm a doctor, Margaret. But I swear, if I caught you with another man, I'd blow my brains out and then I'd kill both of you!
Margaret: (laughing) Did you hear what you said? You got it all backwards.
Frank: (laughing) I mean I'd kill both of you and then I'd kill myself. (laughs again)
Margaret: Seriously, Frank... knowing you'd kill me somehow makes my life worthwhile.
Frank: Oh, I wouldn't kill just anyone, Margaret.
Margaret: I've gotta go now, darling. I love you.
Frank: I love you.
(silence)
Margaret: Hang up, Frank.
Frank: You hang up first.
Margaret: Frank, that's so high school.
Frank: Well, let's count to three and then we'll hang up together.
Margaret: OK, you start.
Frank: One...
Margaret: Two...
Hawkeye and Trapper: (on the other line) Three!
Adam's Rib
PA announcer: Attention, all personnel. Due to circumstances beyond our control, we regret to announce that lunch is now being served.
Klinger: How can you eat this slop?
Radar: My mouth is tone deaf.
Hawkeye: It's inhuman to serve the same food day after day. The Geneva Convention prohibits the killing of our taste buds.
Trapper: Easy...
Hawkeye: I simply cannot eat the same food every day - fish, liver, day after day. I've eaten a river of liver and an ocean of fish! I've eaten so much fish, I'm ready to grow gills! I've eaten so much liver, I can only make love if I'm smothered in bacon and onions!
Klinger: Halt! What's the password?
Hawkeye: Out of my way, or I'll split your head open.
Klinger: Close enough.
Hawkeye: Radar.
Radar: (waking up) Don't shoot!
Hawkeye: Get on the phone.
Radar: Who's calling?
Hawkeye: You are! Get out of bed or I'll take your tonsils out through your armpits.
Radar: (on the phone) San Francisco? Right. Can you speak a little louder, please? I'm calling from Korea. (pause) Korea! Rhymes with "diarr". Right. The place that Bop Hope comes to all the time. (he looks up at Hawkeye and rolls his eyes, as if saying "Can you believe this guy?") Listen, this is official military business, priority one. Can you put me through to Chicago? (pause) Chicago! Yeah, the place with the big shoulders. (more eye-rolling)
Hawkeye: Dearborn 5-7-500.
Radar: Dearborn 5-7-500. (pause) Right. (to Hawkeye) They're dialing.
Hawkeye: I love her.
Radar: It's a he.
Hawkeye: I love him.
Trapper: You know, I just remembered. I knew a redhead in Chicago. Oh boy. You talk about your ribs.
Hawkeye: Yeah, yeah?
Trapper: What was her name? Mildred. That's right. Mildred Feeney.
Hawkeye: Would she do you a favor?
Trapper: She already did.
Hawkeye: She could pick up the ribs. She could pay for 'em and put 'em on a plane. I'd send her a cheque.
Trapper: You're hallucinating. I haven't seen her in years. It was a one night stand. (ponders) No, it was a two-night. No, I think it was three.
Trapper: (on the phone) Hi, Mildred. This is John McIntyre. (pause) That's right. Big John.
Hawkeye: "Big John"?
Radar: (grinning) Lucky.
Major Pfiefer: Do you know what I have to process? 12 Sherman tanks, 2,000 blankets, 100,000 rolls of toilet paper, a trainload of semiautomatic corn poppers and baby A-bomb components.
Hawkeye: They're delicious with popcorn.
Major Pfiefer: Whatever it is, I've got it. And you want me to find one insignificant little box of med supplies.
Trapper: We sometimes use them in our work.
Major Pfiefer: You think because you save lives it's important.
A Full Rich Day
Hawkeye: (recording a "letter" for his father) Not five feet away from me, I see Trapper John McIntyre cutting his toenails. He sells 'em to the tourists as war souvenirs. Say hello, Trapper.
Trapper: Hello, Trapper.
Hawkeye: Isn't he clever? We had the bolt in his neck tightened yesterday.
Frank: Klinger, I wanna see you out of that dress - tonight!
Klinger: Never on a first date, sir!
Mad Dogs and Servicemen
(Hawkeye is making out with a nurse in the x-ray room)
Hawkeye: You make a great lower-lip sandwich.
Nurse: Really? (letting go off him) I'm engaged to a pilot.
Hawkeye: So am I. I just hope it's not the same one.
Hawkeye: (on the phone) Sidney? Hawkeye Pierce. Did I interrupt you in the middle of someone?
Margaret: That is the most inhumane, degrading thing I have ever heard of. How can you be so cruel?
Hawkeye: Tight shorts. Cuts off the oxygen supply to my brain.
Frank: Anyone who needs psychiatry is sick in the head.
Radar: (thanking God) A deal's a deal, sir. No more hells, damns, and especially not the big one. No more fibs, and I promise I won't watch my rabbits mess around any more.
Frank: Keeping that man here defies every medical precept.
Trapper: So do you, Frank. You're an incredible example of death after life.
Frank: Margaret, I was wrong.
Henry: You're always wrong, Frank. That's what's so right about you.
Private Charles Lamb
Frank: What kind of a jackass do you think I am?
Radar: Uh, you'd know that better than me, sir.
Radar: (answering phone) Colonel Blake's office. The Colonel's in conference, but if it's important I can wake him.
Hawkeye: If you'd studied at all, Radar, you'd know that the Greeks invented the Edible complex. That's where a boy likes his mother's cooking better than eating out.
PA announcer: Attention all personnel. Please contact Colonel Blake if anyone knows the whereabouts of tonight's entrée. In the meantime, be on the lookout for a white Caucasian lamb. He is reported to be unarmed and considered to be delicious. That is all.
Bombed
(a group is trying to rescue Henry, who was in the latrines when they were hit by a bomb)
Klinger: Hey, hey! Hold it! I heard a moan. Colonel, if you can hear me, knock three times. If you can't, knock twice.
(two knocks)
Klinger: Oh, Lord, he's dead.
Radar: (furious) If I ever get out of this war alive I'm gonna write a book exposing it all and that guy's gonna be in it!
Klinger: What's his name?
Radar: I'll make one up.
Klinger: Will you put me in it?
Radar: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Page one.
(Trapper and Margaret are trying to break into the supply room)
Trapper: You are strong.
Margaret: Where I was raised, every morning we ran naked in the snow.
Trapper: We ran naked in the subway.
Margaret: Doctor, are you hurt?
Trapper: Just the old football injury.
Margaret: Knee?
Trapper: Hemorrhoid. I spent a lot of time on the bench.
(the door to the supply room is jammed again, and Trapper and Margaret are now locked inside)
Margaret: (breaking down) This day's been too much. I just can't take it any more. (she sobs)
Trapper: (putting his arms around her) Come on, honey. Take it easy. It's all right.
Margaret: (crying) I'm so embarrassed.
Trapper: Why?
Margaret: I outrank you.
Trapper: (embracing her) Easy, honey. Easy. Easy.
Margaret: Everybody thinks I'm so tough and hard and efficient, and here I am crying like a baby. (she looks up at him) Do you mind?
Trapper: (smiling) No. It's the first hot water to hit my body in a year.
Margaret: (laughing, but still tearful) You're so understanding... John.
(they are about to kiss, when Margaret steps back)
Margaret: No. No, please.
Trapper: Look, we can't get outta here and I sure don't wanna take inventory. The door's jammed. I mean, we've got cots, blankets, and a lot of extra plasma.
(Margaret rushes to the door with her crowbar and tries to burst it open again)
Margaret: (shouting) Help! Somebody! Help!
(Trapper sits by the blankets, watching her useless attempts to get out)
Margaret: Help! Help!
(frustrated, she throws the crowbar to the floor, her eyes watering again)
Trapper: All that energy wasted on a door.
(Margaret sighs)
Trapper: Come here.
Margaret: (in a resigned murmur) Help...
(while explosions are still going on outside, people are watching an explosion-filled war movie indoors)
Henry: Father, this is a lousy idea. The movie was supposed to take their minds off the shelling.
Father Mulcahy: Lord knows I tried. I sent for The Yearling, a dandy picture about a boy and his pet deer. You see, his mother didn't want him to keep it, but they became very emotionally attached.
Henry: I know. I know. My cousin Floyd had the same thing with a goat. So what happened to The Yearling?
Father Mulcahy: Well, the jeep was hijacked by some Buddhist monks.
Henry: Monks?
Father Mulcahy: Well, the driver told me they'd all gotten haircuts that day and wanted to celebrate.
(Margaret and Trapper are snuggled up together, sharing a blanket)
Margaret: Why can't I have a blanket of my own?
Trapper: Conservation of body heat. 98 degrees plus 98 degrees is 196 degrees.
Margaret: It doesn't work that way. You're just saying 196 degrees so you can get under a blanket with me.
Trapper: Are you questioning a doctor's medical opinion?
Margaret: (suddenly alarmed) What are you doing with your hands?
Trapper: Just saluting.
Margaret: I don't trust you.
Trapper: You don't trust me? John Xavier McIntyre? In my grammar school, on Graham Cracker Day, I was elected crumb boy.
Margaret: (smiling) That's silly. Now, I'm gonna lie down because I'm cold and tired. You have to promise me - no hanky-panky.
Trapper: I haven't even got a hanky. And I left my panky in my other suit.
(Margaret smiles, and the two of them try to lie down to go to sleep)
Trapper: Besides, you have nothing to worry about. I'm beat.
(the door opens with a big clatter, and Frank and Hawkeye come in)
Hawkeye: (smiling at the sight of Margaret and Trapper snuggled up together) Hello, hello, hello.
Margaret: (trying to release herself from Trapper's grip) Oh! We, uh, came in here for supplies and a shell hit and the door jammed.
Hawkeye: Oh, that's good for starters.
Frank: McIntyre, what's the meaning of this?
Trapper: (with a naughty grin) Frank, does paradise have a meaning?
Margaret: (still struggling to get out of the blanket) We came in here for supplies and a shell hit and the door jammed and we made 196 degrees. And that's all there is to it.
Hawkeye: (smiling the smile of a true Trapper/Margaret shipper) Just a trip to the moon on gossamer wings.
(Margaret leaves, followed by Frank)
Frank: (pacing the room, while Margaret combs her wet hair) McIntyre keeps hinting that something went on, Margaret.
Margaret: We were exhausted. We slept. I told you.
PA announcer: Second shift to surgery, please. Second shift.
Frank: How can you wash your hair on a time like this?
Margaret: Well, if I'm goin' out, I'm goin' out with a clean scalp.
Frank: I don't understand what a woman could see in that man anyway. Egotistical smart aleck. He didn't even study medicine in his own state.
Margaret: Frank, he does have a certain je ne sais quoi.
Frank: I should have known he'd talk dirty to you in Spanish.
Margaret: Frank, I told you over and over and over. We didn't do anything.
Frank: How far did he get? First base?
(Margaret doesn't say anything)
Frank: Second base?
(more silence)
Frank: Home plate?
Radar: (on the PA system) Testing. Te... One, two, three. Testing, one, two. Radar here. There's nobody on the radio now except Seoul City Sue so I figured I'd keep you entertained by reading a letter from my mom. Here goes. (clear throat) "Dear son. I got your lovely letter. You certainly asked a lot of questions. About the car - you may. About Jennifer next door - yes. About Eleanor Simon - she did once or twice, but not too much. About your uncle Albert - uh, no on drinking, yes on AA. About the dog, Leon - three times in the bedroom, once under the washer and twice on the cat." Test... testing. "About the cat - we don't have one any more. About your cousin Ernie - he's in the..."
(another bomb explodes)
Radar: Uh-oh, here we go again. Watch out!
Hawkeye: (in the OR) Oh, dingbust it. I wanted to hear about Cousin Ernie.
(Margaret knocks on the door to the Swamp)
Margaret: Major Burns?
(inside, Frank nervously mouths at Hawkeye and Trapper to tell her that he's not home)
Margaret: Major Burns? Don't we have something to discuss? Something you asked me in my tent?
Trapper: Tell us, Major.
Hawkeye: We're his answering service. The doctor isn't in. Leave your name, symptoms and credit-card number.
Margaret: (angry) Tell him he's not gonna welsh out on it. (she leaves)
Trapper: Frank, did you propose?
Hawkeye: Figures. He was afraid he was gonna lose her to you.
Trapper: Frank, what kind of a guy do you think I am? We're colleagues. Surgeons under the skin, in mortal combat with the enemy.
Hawkeye: Besides, they'll have plenty of time together after you've gone home.
(Frank whimpers, hiding under his blanket)
Bulletin Board
(Radar posts something on the bulletin board)
Trapper: What's the announcement, Radar?
Radar: A lecture. Colonel Blake's gonna tell us everything he knows about sex.
Hawkeye: That should be an enjoyable 60 seconds.
Henry: Good afternoon, men. Now, first let me thank all of you in advance for what I know will be your full and undivided attention.
(Trapper pretends to snore loudly until Frank elbows him to stop)
Henry: The topic for today has to do with the subject of sex.
(everybody cheers loudly)
Henry: All right, now, let's not go gaga. Sex happens to be one of the most important things in life, in as much as each one of us is one or the other gender of it once we're born, which is the direct result of the act of it.
Radar: (raising his hand) Sir?
Henry: Uh, we'll have questions after the lecture.
Trapper: What about answers?
Radar: Well, I was just wondering. Should I roll down the flaps so the nurses don't hear?
Henry: Radar, all the nurses have heard about sex.
Hawkeye: I know I've been spreading the word.
Frank: Shut your face.
Hawkeye: Kiss me.
Henry: OK, now. The aspect of today's subject that I'm going to delve on is the US Army's contribution to birth control.
Trapper: I knew they were gonna ask for contributions.
Hawkeye: I gave at the office.
Henry: Uh, now, each of us here knows why he is in Korea.
(Frank raises his hand)
Henry: Major Burns?
Frank: We are here to stem the red tide, to finish up the commies once and for all. Now everyone with half a mind knows, as I do, that after Germany we should've knocked out the Russkies, then clobbered the Chinese, before they forced Chiang Kai-shek and his very beautiful wife off the mainland, to which I for one say they should be unleashed so that they can liberate the real Chinese people and restore the government that America has paid so many millions of dollars to help get.
Klinger: Sir, I thought the lecture was on sex. I didn't iron my dress to talk politics.
Henry: Sit down, Klinger.
Frank: Now, listen, Corporal...
Henry: You too, Frank.
(they sit)
Henry: Now, we're in Korea by order of the UN, along with 17 other nations, to try to stabilize this country, politically and militarily. We are not here to add to the population. The one thing they don't need in Asia is more Asians. Many of you have heard me speak on reproduction and VD.
Hawkeye: I've got both your albums.
Henry: Today's subject is much more important. Now, this country is on its can. There's not enough food, housing, schools. You name it, they haven't got it, so don't add to its problems. Now, uh, when you're shipped home, just make sure that you don't leave any little time bombs that are gonna go off nine months later. (chuckles) Now, I know you're only human.
Trapper: (looking at Frank) Present company excepted.
Henry: We don't expect you to behave like monks. The army just wants you to be careful so that you don't leave behind any little... monklets.
Margaret: I have a favor to ask of you.
Frank: Oh, anything, darling. You know that.
Margaret: My sister's getting married. My younger sister is getting married. And she's only a captain.
Frank: (looking suddenly panicky) Oh, marriage isn't all that it's cracked up to be, let me tell you. Honestly. Marriage is probably the chief cause of divorce.
Margaret: I want to borrow $240 for a wedding present. It's key money for an apartment.
Frank: (looking even more panicky) 200 and...
Margaret: And $40.
(Frank is paralyzed with dread)
Margaret: Surely I'm worth $240.
(no reaction)
Margaret: Frank?
Frank: (finally returning to normal) Every penny. I wish I could. I really do. But, uh...
Margaret: But all your money's tied up in wealth, right?
Frank: Those are just bonds.
Margaret: You bought enough to start your own country.
Frank: Shh!
Margaret: I just wanna borrow $240.
Frank: But don't you have the money, Margaret, dear? Didn't your dad leave you a bit?
Margaret: Mother drank it. Half my salary goes toward drying her out, and the other half for bail.
Frank: Bail?
Margaret: When she's sober... she's a klepto. She was caught in a store last week stuffing a radio up her jumper.
(Frank is petrified again)
Margaret: Frank?
Frank: Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Hm-mm. I just can't do it, Margaret. It just rubs against the grain. "Neither a lender nor a borrower be." Polonius.
Margaret: "To give and not count the cost." St. Ignatius Loyola.
Frank: "The holy passion of friendship is of so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last throughout a whole lifetime if not asked to lend money." Mark Twain.
Margaret: "Blow it out your ear." Margaret Houlihan.
M*A*S*H Quotes:
SEASON 1: Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3
SEASON 2: Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3
SEASON 3: Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3
Alcoholics Unanimous
Hawkeye: The evening is still young. You got any plans, Lieutenant?
Nurse: I'm going straight to bed.
Hawkeye: Best offer I've heard all night.
Frank: You two are alcoholics - hopeless, elbow-bending boozers.
Hawkeye: In your ear.
Frank: Oh yeah, boy? (he reaches for his papers) From the deputy assistant undersecretary of defense on drug and alcohol abuse. "Surveys have shown that 57.230 of all military personnel in the Asian theatre have a drinking problem."
Hawkeye: We do not have a drinking problem. (to Trapper) Right, Smedley?
Trapper: (with an English accent) Righto.
Frank: Well, they've enclosed a test.
Hawkeye: (to Trapper, about their martinis) Do you think there's too much vermouth in this?
Trapper: Not for me. It's a little more ginny than the last batch, though.
Hawkeye: Hm. Maybe, maybe.
Frank: (reading the test) First question: do you think and talk about drinking often?
Hawkeye: No, of course not.
Trapper: Hell, no.
Hawkeye: (to Trapper) I see what you mean about the gin.
Frank: Do you sometimes gulp drinks?
(Hawkeye and Trapper drink their martinis in one gulp)
Trapper: Ahh! Never.
Frank: Do you sometimes forget what happened while you were drinking?
Hawkeye: What?
Frank: Question number three. Do you sometimes forget what happened while you were drinking?
Trapper: What happened to question number two?
Hawkeye: He forgot it. He forgets while we drink. (to Frank) The answer to question number three is no.
Margaret: Oh, Frank. Every day you remind me more and more of Dad.
Frank: The Colonel?
Margaret: Your natural leadership. The receding hairline. Those two warts on your back.
(Trapper and Hawkeye are opening a safe in the supply tent)
Hawkeye: Come on, come on, Fingers.
Trapper: Trying to find the right key.
Hawkeye: That looks right.
Trapper: My wife's car.
Hawkeye: What are you doing with it over here?
Trapper: She's a lousy driver.
Hawkeye: (pointing to another key) What's that for? Her chastity belt?
Hawkeye: (about Frank) We'll get around him or my name's not whatever my name is.
Hawkeye: (to Margaret) You're the woman my mother always hoped I'd be.
Frank: The men detest me, don't they?
Radar: Oh, no, sir.
Frank: Oh, you can tell the truth. They hate me, don't they?
Radar: Just your guts, sir.
Frank: Well, this is for their own good. They don't have to love me.
Radar: Oh, I'm sure they'll be very happy to hear that, Major.
Frank: Have you ever given a lecture on temperance, Father? On the evils of drink?
Father Mulcahy: Well, no, I haven't. But on the troopship I was asked to give a lecture on that sex thing.
Frank: Good.
Father Mulcahy: Well... Being celibate, I didn't feel qualified. They called in a Protestant. He had a film about two sailors. One was from Cleveland, ostensibly, and the other from a small rural area. The city boy decided to stay on his ship and write his high-school sweetheart - a lovely young girl, with a megaphone on her chest.
Frank: Father, please. This is important.
Father Mulcahy: The country boy got mixed up with a young lady who lived in a trailer with three other young ladies and a man with a whip.
Frank: Father?
Father Mulcahy: Broke his wristwatch and everything.
Trapper: Did you use my razor?
Hawkeye: I've had several complaints about my armpits.
There is Nothing Like a Nurse
Margaret: Colonel Blake, I wish to charge Lieutenant Janet Baker with insubordination, and I insist on your assurance that she will be given prompt and vigorous punishment.
Henry: Well, Major, there's a French unit right down the road. Now why don't you just run down there and see if you can borrow their guillotine?
(Margaret slams her clipboard on the table; Henry, who has a huge hangover, cringes)
Henry: Don't do that.
Margaret: I want her placed under bed arrest.
Henry: Bed what?
Margaret: When she's not on duty and other than at mealtimes, she is to sit on the edge of her bed at attention for one month.
Henry: Oh, be reasonable, Major. You can't keep a nurse in bed for a month. Although there are a few people who have tried it.
Hawkeye: Hello, Frank.
Frank: I've heard that before.
Radar: Did I ever tell you how much you look like my sister?
Margaret: (smiling) No.
Radar: 'Cept you're a lot older.
Margaret: That would be your younger sister?
Radar: No, she's 37.
Margaret: Don't slam the door.
Radar: Am I leaving?
Hawkeye: Do you know you have this thing back here?
Nurse: What thing?
Hawkeye: My tongue.
Trapper: Boy, do I miss my wife.
Hawkeye: So do I. I don't even know your wife and I miss her.
Trapper: I'll miss my wife. You miss my mother.
Hawkeye: Fence builder.
Frank: We happen to be under blackout conditions, gentlemen. We're still at war, you know.
Hawkeye: Ah, I guess that explains all the boom-booms.
Frank: That sassy jabber is wasted on me, Captain Wise Apple.
Hawkeye: I'm miserable enough, Frank. Don't start with me or I'll give you a nose job from the inside.
Trapper: If Hot Lips were here right now, I'd kiss her feet.
Hawkeye: And bump into Frank coming around a toe?
Frank: (on the phone) Margaret, are there... there?
Margaret: Are there what here?
Frank: Margaret, falling for me, I realized how easily you can be taken in by a handsome face.
Margaret: You're not jealous?
Frank: I'm a doctor, Margaret. But I swear, if I caught you with another man, I'd blow my brains out and then I'd kill both of you!
Margaret: (laughing) Did you hear what you said? You got it all backwards.
Frank: (laughing) I mean I'd kill both of you and then I'd kill myself. (laughs again)
Margaret: Seriously, Frank... knowing you'd kill me somehow makes my life worthwhile.
Frank: Oh, I wouldn't kill just anyone, Margaret.
Margaret: I've gotta go now, darling. I love you.
Frank: I love you.
(silence)
Margaret: Hang up, Frank.
Frank: You hang up first.
Margaret: Frank, that's so high school.
Frank: Well, let's count to three and then we'll hang up together.
Margaret: OK, you start.
Frank: One...
Margaret: Two...
Hawkeye and Trapper: (on the other line) Three!
Adam's Rib
PA announcer: Attention, all personnel. Due to circumstances beyond our control, we regret to announce that lunch is now being served.
Klinger: How can you eat this slop?
Radar: My mouth is tone deaf.
Hawkeye: It's inhuman to serve the same food day after day. The Geneva Convention prohibits the killing of our taste buds.
Trapper: Easy...
Hawkeye: I simply cannot eat the same food every day - fish, liver, day after day. I've eaten a river of liver and an ocean of fish! I've eaten so much fish, I'm ready to grow gills! I've eaten so much liver, I can only make love if I'm smothered in bacon and onions!
Klinger: Halt! What's the password?
Hawkeye: Out of my way, or I'll split your head open.
Klinger: Close enough.
Hawkeye: Radar.
Radar: (waking up) Don't shoot!
Hawkeye: Get on the phone.
Radar: Who's calling?
Hawkeye: You are! Get out of bed or I'll take your tonsils out through your armpits.
Radar: (on the phone) San Francisco? Right. Can you speak a little louder, please? I'm calling from Korea. (pause) Korea! Rhymes with "diarr". Right. The place that Bop Hope comes to all the time. (he looks up at Hawkeye and rolls his eyes, as if saying "Can you believe this guy?") Listen, this is official military business, priority one. Can you put me through to Chicago? (pause) Chicago! Yeah, the place with the big shoulders. (more eye-rolling)
Hawkeye: Dearborn 5-7-500.
Radar: Dearborn 5-7-500. (pause) Right. (to Hawkeye) They're dialing.
Hawkeye: I love her.
Radar: It's a he.
Hawkeye: I love him.
Trapper: You know, I just remembered. I knew a redhead in Chicago. Oh boy. You talk about your ribs.
Hawkeye: Yeah, yeah?
Trapper: What was her name? Mildred. That's right. Mildred Feeney.
Hawkeye: Would she do you a favor?
Trapper: She already did.
Hawkeye: She could pick up the ribs. She could pay for 'em and put 'em on a plane. I'd send her a cheque.
Trapper: You're hallucinating. I haven't seen her in years. It was a one night stand. (ponders) No, it was a two-night. No, I think it was three.
Trapper: (on the phone) Hi, Mildred. This is John McIntyre. (pause) That's right. Big John.
Hawkeye: "Big John"?
Radar: (grinning) Lucky.
Major Pfiefer: Do you know what I have to process? 12 Sherman tanks, 2,000 blankets, 100,000 rolls of toilet paper, a trainload of semiautomatic corn poppers and baby A-bomb components.
Hawkeye: They're delicious with popcorn.
Major Pfiefer: Whatever it is, I've got it. And you want me to find one insignificant little box of med supplies.
Trapper: We sometimes use them in our work.
Major Pfiefer: You think because you save lives it's important.
A Full Rich Day
Hawkeye: (recording a "letter" for his father) Not five feet away from me, I see Trapper John McIntyre cutting his toenails. He sells 'em to the tourists as war souvenirs. Say hello, Trapper.
Trapper: Hello, Trapper.
Hawkeye: Isn't he clever? We had the bolt in his neck tightened yesterday.
Frank: Klinger, I wanna see you out of that dress - tonight!
Klinger: Never on a first date, sir!
Mad Dogs and Servicemen
(Hawkeye is making out with a nurse in the x-ray room)
Hawkeye: You make a great lower-lip sandwich.
Nurse: Really? (letting go off him) I'm engaged to a pilot.
Hawkeye: So am I. I just hope it's not the same one.
Hawkeye: (on the phone) Sidney? Hawkeye Pierce. Did I interrupt you in the middle of someone?
Margaret: That is the most inhumane, degrading thing I have ever heard of. How can you be so cruel?
Hawkeye: Tight shorts. Cuts off the oxygen supply to my brain.
Frank: Anyone who needs psychiatry is sick in the head.
Radar: (thanking God) A deal's a deal, sir. No more hells, damns, and especially not the big one. No more fibs, and I promise I won't watch my rabbits mess around any more.
Frank: Keeping that man here defies every medical precept.
Trapper: So do you, Frank. You're an incredible example of death after life.
Frank: Margaret, I was wrong.
Henry: You're always wrong, Frank. That's what's so right about you.
Private Charles Lamb
Frank: What kind of a jackass do you think I am?
Radar: Uh, you'd know that better than me, sir.
Radar: (answering phone) Colonel Blake's office. The Colonel's in conference, but if it's important I can wake him.
Hawkeye: If you'd studied at all, Radar, you'd know that the Greeks invented the Edible complex. That's where a boy likes his mother's cooking better than eating out.
PA announcer: Attention all personnel. Please contact Colonel Blake if anyone knows the whereabouts of tonight's entrée. In the meantime, be on the lookout for a white Caucasian lamb. He is reported to be unarmed and considered to be delicious. That is all.
Bombed
(a group is trying to rescue Henry, who was in the latrines when they were hit by a bomb)
Klinger: Hey, hey! Hold it! I heard a moan. Colonel, if you can hear me, knock three times. If you can't, knock twice.
(two knocks)
Klinger: Oh, Lord, he's dead.
Radar: (furious) If I ever get out of this war alive I'm gonna write a book exposing it all and that guy's gonna be in it!
Klinger: What's his name?
Radar: I'll make one up.
Klinger: Will you put me in it?
Radar: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Page one.
(Trapper and Margaret are trying to break into the supply room)
Trapper: You are strong.
Margaret: Where I was raised, every morning we ran naked in the snow.
Trapper: We ran naked in the subway.
Margaret: Doctor, are you hurt?
Trapper: Just the old football injury.
Margaret: Knee?
Trapper: Hemorrhoid. I spent a lot of time on the bench.
(the door to the supply room is jammed again, and Trapper and Margaret are now locked inside)
Margaret: (breaking down) This day's been too much. I just can't take it any more. (she sobs)
Trapper: (putting his arms around her) Come on, honey. Take it easy. It's all right.
Margaret: (crying) I'm so embarrassed.
Trapper: Why?
Margaret: I outrank you.
Trapper: (embracing her) Easy, honey. Easy. Easy.
Margaret: Everybody thinks I'm so tough and hard and efficient, and here I am crying like a baby. (she looks up at him) Do you mind?
Trapper: (smiling) No. It's the first hot water to hit my body in a year.
Margaret: (laughing, but still tearful) You're so understanding... John.
(they are about to kiss, when Margaret steps back)
Margaret: No. No, please.
Trapper: Look, we can't get outta here and I sure don't wanna take inventory. The door's jammed. I mean, we've got cots, blankets, and a lot of extra plasma.
(Margaret rushes to the door with her crowbar and tries to burst it open again)
Margaret: (shouting) Help! Somebody! Help!
(Trapper sits by the blankets, watching her useless attempts to get out)
Margaret: Help! Help!
(frustrated, she throws the crowbar to the floor, her eyes watering again)
Trapper: All that energy wasted on a door.
(Margaret sighs)
Trapper: Come here.
Margaret: (in a resigned murmur) Help...
(while explosions are still going on outside, people are watching an explosion-filled war movie indoors)
Henry: Father, this is a lousy idea. The movie was supposed to take their minds off the shelling.
Father Mulcahy: Lord knows I tried. I sent for The Yearling, a dandy picture about a boy and his pet deer. You see, his mother didn't want him to keep it, but they became very emotionally attached.
Henry: I know. I know. My cousin Floyd had the same thing with a goat. So what happened to The Yearling?
Father Mulcahy: Well, the jeep was hijacked by some Buddhist monks.
Henry: Monks?
Father Mulcahy: Well, the driver told me they'd all gotten haircuts that day and wanted to celebrate.
(Margaret and Trapper are snuggled up together, sharing a blanket)
Margaret: Why can't I have a blanket of my own?
Trapper: Conservation of body heat. 98 degrees plus 98 degrees is 196 degrees.
Margaret: It doesn't work that way. You're just saying 196 degrees so you can get under a blanket with me.
Trapper: Are you questioning a doctor's medical opinion?
Margaret: (suddenly alarmed) What are you doing with your hands?
Trapper: Just saluting.
Margaret: I don't trust you.
Trapper: You don't trust me? John Xavier McIntyre? In my grammar school, on Graham Cracker Day, I was elected crumb boy.
Margaret: (smiling) That's silly. Now, I'm gonna lie down because I'm cold and tired. You have to promise me - no hanky-panky.
Trapper: I haven't even got a hanky. And I left my panky in my other suit.
(Margaret smiles, and the two of them try to lie down to go to sleep)
Trapper: Besides, you have nothing to worry about. I'm beat.
(the door opens with a big clatter, and Frank and Hawkeye come in)
Hawkeye: (smiling at the sight of Margaret and Trapper snuggled up together) Hello, hello, hello.
Margaret: (trying to release herself from Trapper's grip) Oh! We, uh, came in here for supplies and a shell hit and the door jammed.
Hawkeye: Oh, that's good for starters.
Frank: McIntyre, what's the meaning of this?
Trapper: (with a naughty grin) Frank, does paradise have a meaning?
Margaret: (still struggling to get out of the blanket) We came in here for supplies and a shell hit and the door jammed and we made 196 degrees. And that's all there is to it.
Hawkeye: (smiling the smile of a true Trapper/Margaret shipper) Just a trip to the moon on gossamer wings.
(Margaret leaves, followed by Frank)
Frank: (pacing the room, while Margaret combs her wet hair) McIntyre keeps hinting that something went on, Margaret.
Margaret: We were exhausted. We slept. I told you.
PA announcer: Second shift to surgery, please. Second shift.
Frank: How can you wash your hair on a time like this?
Margaret: Well, if I'm goin' out, I'm goin' out with a clean scalp.
Frank: I don't understand what a woman could see in that man anyway. Egotistical smart aleck. He didn't even study medicine in his own state.
Margaret: Frank, he does have a certain je ne sais quoi.
Frank: I should have known he'd talk dirty to you in Spanish.
Margaret: Frank, I told you over and over and over. We didn't do anything.
Frank: How far did he get? First base?
(Margaret doesn't say anything)
Frank: Second base?
(more silence)
Frank: Home plate?
Radar: (on the PA system) Testing. Te... One, two, three. Testing, one, two. Radar here. There's nobody on the radio now except Seoul City Sue so I figured I'd keep you entertained by reading a letter from my mom. Here goes. (clear throat) "Dear son. I got your lovely letter. You certainly asked a lot of questions. About the car - you may. About Jennifer next door - yes. About Eleanor Simon - she did once or twice, but not too much. About your uncle Albert - uh, no on drinking, yes on AA. About the dog, Leon - three times in the bedroom, once under the washer and twice on the cat." Test... testing. "About the cat - we don't have one any more. About your cousin Ernie - he's in the..."
(another bomb explodes)
Radar: Uh-oh, here we go again. Watch out!
Hawkeye: (in the OR) Oh, dingbust it. I wanted to hear about Cousin Ernie.
(Margaret knocks on the door to the Swamp)
Margaret: Major Burns?
(inside, Frank nervously mouths at Hawkeye and Trapper to tell her that he's not home)
Margaret: Major Burns? Don't we have something to discuss? Something you asked me in my tent?
Trapper: Tell us, Major.
Hawkeye: We're his answering service. The doctor isn't in. Leave your name, symptoms and credit-card number.
Margaret: (angry) Tell him he's not gonna welsh out on it. (she leaves)
Trapper: Frank, did you propose?
Hawkeye: Figures. He was afraid he was gonna lose her to you.
Trapper: Frank, what kind of a guy do you think I am? We're colleagues. Surgeons under the skin, in mortal combat with the enemy.
Hawkeye: Besides, they'll have plenty of time together after you've gone home.
(Frank whimpers, hiding under his blanket)
Bulletin Board
(Radar posts something on the bulletin board)
Trapper: What's the announcement, Radar?
Radar: A lecture. Colonel Blake's gonna tell us everything he knows about sex.
Hawkeye: That should be an enjoyable 60 seconds.
Henry: Good afternoon, men. Now, first let me thank all of you in advance for what I know will be your full and undivided attention.
(Trapper pretends to snore loudly until Frank elbows him to stop)
Henry: The topic for today has to do with the subject of sex.
(everybody cheers loudly)
Henry: All right, now, let's not go gaga. Sex happens to be one of the most important things in life, in as much as each one of us is one or the other gender of it once we're born, which is the direct result of the act of it.
Radar: (raising his hand) Sir?
Henry: Uh, we'll have questions after the lecture.
Trapper: What about answers?
Radar: Well, I was just wondering. Should I roll down the flaps so the nurses don't hear?
Henry: Radar, all the nurses have heard about sex.
Hawkeye: I know I've been spreading the word.
Frank: Shut your face.
Hawkeye: Kiss me.
Henry: OK, now. The aspect of today's subject that I'm going to delve on is the US Army's contribution to birth control.
Trapper: I knew they were gonna ask for contributions.
Hawkeye: I gave at the office.
Henry: Uh, now, each of us here knows why he is in Korea.
(Frank raises his hand)
Henry: Major Burns?
Frank: We are here to stem the red tide, to finish up the commies once and for all. Now everyone with half a mind knows, as I do, that after Germany we should've knocked out the Russkies, then clobbered the Chinese, before they forced Chiang Kai-shek and his very beautiful wife off the mainland, to which I for one say they should be unleashed so that they can liberate the real Chinese people and restore the government that America has paid so many millions of dollars to help get.
Klinger: Sir, I thought the lecture was on sex. I didn't iron my dress to talk politics.
Henry: Sit down, Klinger.
Frank: Now, listen, Corporal...
Henry: You too, Frank.
(they sit)
Henry: Now, we're in Korea by order of the UN, along with 17 other nations, to try to stabilize this country, politically and militarily. We are not here to add to the population. The one thing they don't need in Asia is more Asians. Many of you have heard me speak on reproduction and VD.
Hawkeye: I've got both your albums.
Henry: Today's subject is much more important. Now, this country is on its can. There's not enough food, housing, schools. You name it, they haven't got it, so don't add to its problems. Now, uh, when you're shipped home, just make sure that you don't leave any little time bombs that are gonna go off nine months later. (chuckles) Now, I know you're only human.
Trapper: (looking at Frank) Present company excepted.
Henry: We don't expect you to behave like monks. The army just wants you to be careful so that you don't leave behind any little... monklets.
Margaret: I have a favor to ask of you.
Frank: Oh, anything, darling. You know that.
Margaret: My sister's getting married. My younger sister is getting married. And she's only a captain.
Frank: (looking suddenly panicky) Oh, marriage isn't all that it's cracked up to be, let me tell you. Honestly. Marriage is probably the chief cause of divorce.
Margaret: I want to borrow $240 for a wedding present. It's key money for an apartment.
Frank: (looking even more panicky) 200 and...
Margaret: And $40.
(Frank is paralyzed with dread)
Margaret: Surely I'm worth $240.
(no reaction)
Margaret: Frank?
Frank: (finally returning to normal) Every penny. I wish I could. I really do. But, uh...
Margaret: But all your money's tied up in wealth, right?
Frank: Those are just bonds.
Margaret: You bought enough to start your own country.
Frank: Shh!
Margaret: I just wanna borrow $240.
Frank: But don't you have the money, Margaret, dear? Didn't your dad leave you a bit?
Margaret: Mother drank it. Half my salary goes toward drying her out, and the other half for bail.
Frank: Bail?
Margaret: When she's sober... she's a klepto. She was caught in a store last week stuffing a radio up her jumper.
(Frank is petrified again)
Margaret: Frank?
Frank: Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Hm-mm. I just can't do it, Margaret. It just rubs against the grain. "Neither a lender nor a borrower be." Polonius.
Margaret: "To give and not count the cost." St. Ignatius Loyola.
Frank: "The holy passion of friendship is of so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last throughout a whole lifetime if not asked to lend money." Mark Twain.
Margaret: "Blow it out your ear." Margaret Houlihan.
M*A*S*H Quotes:
SEASON 1: Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3
SEASON 2: Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3
SEASON 3: Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3