Fic: What Was Lost ... (Remus/Sirius, PG-13)
Title: What was Lost ...
Rating: PG-13
Contents or warnings (highlight to view): *none *
Word count: ~ 4500
Summary: Ten years after his death, Sirius Black shows up at the doorstep of his old friend and lover Remus Lupin.
Notes: Written for bearshorty for the rs_small_gifts exchange. Possibly the best prompt I ever had. A short story does not do it justice, at all. There is a novel growing as I type this. There is more, much more where it came from, though I don't have any idea when said novel will be written and finished.
I am very grateful to
catsintheattic for her enthusiasm and encouragement when we discussed this story and to pavlablack for the beta and her astute and helpful comments. You guys rock!
What was Lost ...
Teddy jumped up as soon as he heard the knock on the door.
“Wait, Teddy!” Remus called after the boy and pushed himself out of his armchair.
“Let him go, love. You worry too much. It's probably just Michael from next door,” Tonks reassured her husband, who sank back into the cushions.
“Dad, there's someone at the door for you.”
“Who is it?”
“He didn't say.”
“Well, what did he say?”
“He said, 'Hello, young man' and 'Can I speak to Remus Lupin, please' and -”
“Just go answer the door, Remus,” Tonks cut in.
Remus put aside the Prophet and slowly manoeuvred himself out of the chair.
~~*~~
The cane clattered to the floor. Remus pressed his back against the door jamb to keep upright.
“Sirius?” he whispered.
The man before him couldn't have been much older than twenty-five, but he was unmistakably Sirius Black. A Sirius Black the way Remus remembered him from the time just after Hogwarts, the black hair a Ziggy Stardust style that he'd never been able to shed as the '70s moved on, his skin smooth except for the dimples that accompanied his smile. But Sirius Black was dead, had been dead for ten years.
“You're not real,” Remus said firmly.
He heard Tonks move into the hallway. Magic rushed past his ear and the man in front of him crashed to the ground, his face frozen in the grin that had been about to falter and that was so painfully Sirius that Remus was unable to tear his eyes away. He felt Tonks press his cane into his hand, her hand remaining close to his elbow as he righted himself.
“What happened? Who is he?”
“Sirius. Or so he said. But how can he be? Look at him. He can't be older than Harry.”
Tonks muttered “Nucleus revelio” and let her wand hover over the paralysed man's heart. A white cloud of light formed over the body. It changed shapes until it turned inky black with a dot of bright white light shining from its depths.
“It's Sirius's magical signature.”
Remus nodded, the familiarity of Sirius's magical essence piercing his heart.
“Unless he managed to forge it,” Tonks continued, “and I have no idea how he could have, this man really is Sirius Black.”
“But he died,” Remus muttered as he stared at the man.
“Let's take him inside. We can't just leave him lying on our doorstep. I'll call Harry at the DMLE.”
Tonks levitated the young Sirius to the sitting room and laid him down on the sofa. Teddy looked on open-mouthed.
“Why don't you go see Grandma, Ted?”
“Dad!” Teddy wailed in protest.
“Teddy, now,” came Tonks's stern reply.
The boy slouched off, his bottom lip sulkily poking out.
“I'll call Harry,” Remus said. If anyone sensed Sirius's signature, the Aurors would be here in no time. As far as Remus remembered, no one had bothered to straighten the records after Sirius's death. While Fudge had admitted his mistake, the promised inquiry had never taken place.
A part of Remus was reluctant to accept that the man before him was really Sirius. At the same time, he wanted nothing more than to just have Sirius back, no matter how. Inside him anger and happiness fought with each other. Sirius being back was his deepest, most secret wish come true - a wish that he had resigned himself was never to be granted. Remus wasn't sure if he was more angry about the fact that Sirius just showed up, intruding on his family without warning, or that it had taken him ten years to do so. The only thing Remus knew for certain was that he didn't want the Ministry to get its hands on Sirius.
Remus lowered himself onto bench by the fireplace, his left leg stretched out as he leant over to his right. He tossed a handful of Floo powder into the hearth and called, “Department of Magical Law Enforcement. Harry Potter's office.”
“Yep,” Ron Weasley answered, his head appearing in the flames. “Oh, it's you, Remus. How are you? And Tonks and the little one?”
“Fine. Ron, I need to talk to Harry.”
“I think he just went to the l- ah, there he is! It's Remus,” he called over his shoulder before his head disappeared.
“Hi, Remus.” Harry sat down at the Floo desk, a convenience that Remus was envious of - it was a nightmare to get back up with his bothersome leg. “What's the matter? Ron sounded like it was urgent.”
“I'm sorry to call you in the office like that, Harry, but … well, we just had a man call at our door who claims to be Sirius Black. He looks like him, but he can't be older than you and Ron. Tonks checked his magical signature and it's really him.”
“Sirius? But - I mean, I saw him - we saw ...” Harry stopped talking and squeezed his eyes shut while he massaged his temples. Remus heard him murmur, catching words like “the Veil” and “not possible”. He waited, willing himself not to look back to where Sirius was lying behind him. When Harry continued speaking, Remus couldn't overhear the barely suppressed excitement. “Where is he now?”
“On the couch, out cold.”
“Tonks's doing?”
“Of course.” Remus allowed himself a hint of a grin before he turned sombre again. “Will you come?”
“Of course. We'll leave right away.”
Before the connection was interrupted, Remus heard him call, “Ron!Ron! Come on, we have to go. Sirius is back!”
~~*~~
“James! Thank fuck you're here!” Sirius exclaimed when Harry entered the room. “What the hell is going on?”
Harry stared at Sirius. Remus realised that he had only ever seen photos of the young - and handsome - Sirius. That he had lost a father figure and was now looking at a peer.
“This is Harry, Sirius,” whispered Tonks.
“James's son,” Remus added when he saw the incomprehension on Sirius's face.
“You're having me on! Yes, this is all very funny. Haha. Now, can you guys stop it? You've had your fun. You had me there for a second. I have a thumping headache which I deserve, I know. My own fault for drinking too much last night.”
“Sirius, you were gone for ten years! The last time you saw Harry he was a teenager.” How could he not remember? Did he not know what had happened to James and Lily?
“Oh, come on, Moony, enough. Though I have to say, the ageing potion is a nice touch. And the cane. You're quite the actor; I never knew.” Sirius grinned.
Remus gaped at him, the magnitude of what he was dealing with slowly sinking in: Sirius did not remember. Didn't remember James's and Lily's death, didn't remember his duel with Peter, nor Azkaban. Didn't remember his escape or their reunion. Did not remember. It made sense if his appearance was an indication; how could he know of things that for him hadn't yet happened.
Tonks fidgeted beside Remus. “Sirius, James is dead. I told you. I wasn't making things up.”
It was Sirius's turn to gape.
“So - So you're telling me - James and Lily? No. No!” He shook his head and looked around wildly. Remus was reminded of the dreadful poster they had used after Sirius's break-out. “What the fuck is going on? This is madness!”
“It's unique, at least,” Ron put in, ignoring Sirius's ravings and addressing Harry, Tonks and Remus. “No one's ever come back from beyond the Veil.”
“How would you know? I thought the Unspeakables guarded their secrets like dragons their hoard,” Tonks asked.
“Everybody knows that no one comes back from the Veil,” Harry murmured, staring at Sirius.
“Well, since I happen to be friendly with one of the Unspeakables, I also happen to know that they have done extensive research into the workings of the veil,” Ron said. “They seem to thinks it's possible to use the Veil both ways. Why else would they bother?”
Remus said, “I trust that you won't tell your friend about this? I don't want them to take Sirius into custody. As far as I know, the Ministry records were never altered after his death. For all intents and purposes of the Ministry he's still a convicted murderer.”
“Don't worry, I won't tell her. We'll have to give them a hint sometime, though. I mean this is huge, isn't it?”
“Oy, what do you mean, convicted murderer?” Sirius shouted. “Don't talk as if I'm not here! I don't care about the Ministry; I just want to know what's going on.”
“That's what we're trying to find out. You'll stay here for now,” Remus said, not looking at his wife.
~~*~~
“So you remember me, right?”
“'Course I do,” Sirius said, incredulous.
“What do you remember?”
“We met on the Hogwarts Express. Had a grand time at school. All that Marauding. We had sex on the Astronomy Tower in sixth year. We joined the Order after we left school, and we shared a flat. And a bed.” Sirius grinned suggestively. “And then I woke up just outside this tiny Muggle village near Newcastle and now I find that everything is different. James and Lily dead. Peter a traitor. I use a navigation spell to find you and find out that time went on without me and you've become an old man!”
“I'm forty-five, that's hardly old!”
“Well yes, I guess. You know what I mean though. The last time I saw you we'd just left school. Now I feel I don't really know you any more. We were supposed to grow old together, Remus.”
“Oh, Pads, don't.” Remus pinched the bridge of his nose and rubbed his eyes. He would not cry. Not now. Not in front of this Sirius.
~~*~~
“Do you want to meet Teddy?”
“Who's Teddy?”
“My son,” Remus said, then added, “Our son” as Tonks entered the room.
“The young lad who answered the door?”
“Yes, that's him.” Remus smiled.
“How old is he?”
“Eight.”
“Merlin, Remus, what else have I missed?”
Remus wanted to say “Everything”. Their common ground ceased to exist two decades ago. Remus chose not to answer Sirius's question and said instead, “Come on then.”
“Wait, what will we tell him who I am?”
“Oh. An old school friend of mine? I mean, you are. Or perhaps better one of his Uncle Harry's friends. Even someone as young as Teddy will be able to tell that we don't look the same age.”
“Harry's friend?” Sirius frowned at him.
“What would you have me do, Sirius? We can't just pick up where you remember us from twenty years ago. It doesn't work that way.”
“Well, it should. Don't tell me you've forgotten everything.”
How dare he? Damn it, but Remus had forgotten how infuriating Sirius Black could be. Remus's anger lashed out and the air around him crackled with magic. He had not forgotten anything. He remembered a lover lost twice whereas Sirius wanted to renew a schoolboy crush. The unfairness of the statement made Remus want to scream. Still he shouldn't be angry with him. It was not his fault for not remembering. Remus took a deep breath and calmed himself. “Sirius, please. Just for now. I don't understand what happened, neither do you. How can we expect Teddy to do so? Please.” He beckoned Sirius to follow him.
~~*~~
“What was it like?”
“What was what like?”
“The Veil. What happened when you were gone?”
“No idea. I mean, I didn't even know I'd been gone until I got back.”
“So there's nothing.”
“Don't know. Scary thought though, isn't it?”
Remus had to fight back a laugh. “Two philosophers at work,” he said, shaking his head.
“Don't think we're doing that badly. Who knows, we could have both been Unspeakables.”
“As if you'd be able to keep quiet about your work.”
“Fair point.” Sirius refilled their tumblers with Firewhiskey. “Cheers!”
Remus smiled. It was almost like being back in their dormitory at Hogwarts. They'd never contemplated death and the afterlife or lack thereof, true. And now, James and Peter weren't there. And never would be again.
~~*~~
Remus found that it was surprisingly easy to slip back into a post-Hogwarts routine with Sirius. To forget about the mistrust and the betrayal, the bittersweetness of finding a lost lover who came back to him broken and raw, and the renewed loss. To forget about all this for just a couple of hours was a gift that Remus cherished, and so he sought to spend as much time as possible with Sirius.
And yet, as much as he wished to forget, he was often reminded of how different they were now. They had always been different, but now they no longer shared differing views on the same memories - they no longer had the same memories. At times, there seemed to be an almost unbridgeable chasm between them that had never before separated them. Sirius had lost their shared past that Remus could not forget. Not with Sirius around to remind him of it. And yet, Sirius made him feel younger than he had in years. If only his body would cooperate in his attempt to relive his youth. Nostalgic foolishness, perhaps, for a past that was irreversibly lost. And it was a guilty pleasure, for every hour Remus spent with Sirius, he felt he was denying his family and the life he had built in the past ten years.
They were sitting in their usual spot in the garden, just enjoying their time together. Over at the other side of the house, Tonks chased Teddy around a group of cherry trees.
“Does it bother you?” Sirius asked.
“Does what bother me?”
“That you can't play with him as she does.”
“Sometimes.” He looked over at his wife and son with fondness and a hint of sadness. “You can go play with him, if you like. I'm fine watching and I'm sure Dora wouldn't mind a break.”
“No, I want to stay with you.” Sirius's hand moved over to find Remus's who quickly folded his hands in his laps, not without regret.
As he watched his family, Remus grew more and more uncomfortable with the odd situation he was finding himself in.
“It's not right. None of this is right. I thought you were gone for good. Dead. I mourned for you, Sirius.” He couldn't keep the accusation out of the statement.
Sirius rose to the bait spectacularly. “Didn't take you long to hook up with my cousin. Not only that but you got her pregnant too.”
“Leave Tonks and Teddy out of this, Pads,” Remus said, his voice now tired and quiet.
“How can I? What if they weren't here? What then, Remus?”
“Don't you think I've asked myself the same question over and over again. But they are here. Are you asking me to leave them?”
Sirius eyed him with a strange look on his face. They were silent for a long time.
“I'll go visit Harry, I think.” Sirius got up abruptly.
“Sirius. Wait! Please.”
Sirius didn't turn around, and Remus heard the pop of Apparition before he had rounded the corner of the house.
~~*~~
“Wow, it's almost as if it's not the same house any more!” Sirius exclaimed.
“You like it then?” Harry asked.
“I do. Wish it had been like this while I grew up here.”
“Will you be okay?”
“Of course. You'll visit. And Remus will be here, won't you?” he asked the man standing behind Harry.
“Well, I - I'll visit, of course, and often. But I can't stay here. You know I can't.”
An awkward silence descended on the three men in the hallway, and for once, Remus almost wished Sirius's mother was still there to insult him from her portrait.
Harry cleared his throat. “As soon as we got your name cleared, you'll be able to come and go as you please. Won't be long now. I submitted the Pensieve memory to the Wizengamot. The hearing is in two days.”
Sirius ignored him and made a vague movement with his hands while staring at Remus. “But you said -”
“I know I did. But Teddy is ill and Dora has to work. I can't stay.”
Harry fidgeted where he stood between the two men and said, “Well, I'll let you settle in then. Floo-call when you need something, okay?” He turned to Remus. “Bye, Remus.”
“Goodbye, Harry.”
As soon as Harry had closed the door behind him, Sirius moved closer to Remus and ran his hands down Remus's arms. “It's just us now. What shall we do with our new-found freedom?”
Remus took a small step back. “I really have to leave. I promised Dora I wouldn't be long. Let's get your stuff up to your room for starters so you can unpack.”
“I was thinking about something a little more exciting.” Sirius pulled Remus close and kissed him. Remus couldn't help but close his eyes and surrender to the sensation and to the man he had so missed. A timeless moment of bliss passed before his thoughts caught up with him and he pulled away. “Sirius, we can't!”
But they could and they did. It was a one-off thing. Not to happen again. Or so Remus told himself every time.
~~*~~
“Where have you been?”
“Went to the pub with Harry, Ron and Kingsley.”
“I floo-called Harry, Remus.”
“Oh.” Remus blushed furiously. “I was with Sirius, okay?” he added.
“No, it's not okay.”
“Dora, please.”
“Don't Dora me, Remus Lupin. You smell of sex. I think it's best if you found somewhere else to stay and made a decision. It's us or him, Remus, you can't have both.”
~~*~~
“Dad, are you mad at me?”
“No, sweet, what makes you think so?”
“It's just - you're quiet and away so often and - did Mum and you have a fight?”
“We had a bit of a disagreement. People don't always get along, not even your mum and dad. It's quite normal.”
“But you won't leave, will you, Dad?”
“What gave you that idea?”
“I heard Mum talking to Gran ...”
Remus sighed. “Ted, I don't want to lie to you. It's possible that I'll be away for a while. But never forget, I love you, little man, no matter what. Okay?”
“Okay.” Teddy nodded seriously. He furrowed his brows and watched Remus intently. “Dad?”
“Yes, dear?”
“Are you going to stay with Uncle Sirius?”
“I don't know, Teddy. I don't know.”
“But if you are, will I be allowed to visit?”
“Of course. Any time.”
Teddy nodded thoughtfully. “I love you, Daddy.”
“I love you too, Ted.”
~~*~~
“You're here.”
“Yes.”
“I'll show you your room.”
“I thought we might start with something a little more exciting.” Remus grinned, dropped his belongings and pulled Sirius's face towards his with both hands, wobbling slightly until Sirius steadied him. He hesitated for a split second, catching Sirius's eye before he leant up and kissed him deeply.
When they broke apart, Remus cleared his throat and asked, “So, my room?”
“Yes, okay.” Sirius picked up Remus's bag. He was halfway up the first flight when he realised that Remus wasn't following.
“I'm coming.” Remus silently cursed the stairs and his leg, and Sirius - for not having to think about stairs and for forgetting to think about him. He gritted his teeth and slowly followed Sirius, who had gone ahead and was impatiently waiting for him on the first-floor landing.
“Well, we'll have to figure something out. This will not do. Can't have you spending half your day on the stairs, can we?” And with that, Sirius scooped him up in his arms and started to carry him up the last flight.
“Sirius, put me down!” Remus squirmed. “I can walk well enough by myself.”
“I know you can, but this is easier and quicker. I have plans for us, and they don't involve spending precious time on stairs.”
Remus knew better than to argue with Sirius when he had set his mind to a task. He also remembered how he had gladly let Sirius carry him back up to Gryffindor Tower after some of his nastier transformations. He had rested his forehead in the crook of Sirius's neck, closed his eyes and inhaled his scent. He had felt happy then no matter how badly his injuries were hurting him. Remus's eyes were about to close now, when Sirius set him down and said, “Here it is. I cleaned out Reg's room for you.” He opened the door and allowed Remus to step through.
The room was sparsely decorated and contained only a dresser and a large four-poster bed. Some light spots on the wall were all that remained of the gruesome paintings that Remus remembered from the time Grimmauld place had served as Order headquarters.
“Thank you. This is great.”
“My room's across the hallway.”
“I know.”
Sirius barked out a laugh. “'Course you do. Merlin, we're behaving like teenagers, aren't we? I'll fix us something to eat.”
“I'll be down in a bit.”
“Call me if you need help.”
Remus nodded, knowing that he wouldn't.
“Righto. Tea?”
“Uh, yes. Black -”
“With a dash of milk and a sprinkle of sugar. I remember. We have wine, too, if you like.”
“Wine it is then.”
The fire crackled merrily behind the two armchairs that Sirius had placed beside the fireplace.
When they settled down, Sirius said, “I hate the library and the sitting room. Too many bad memories.”
“I like it here. It's nice and cosy.”
“So, what happens now?” Sirius eyed Remus thoughtfully.
“I'd say, we drink our wine, then sometime tonight you'll carry me up to bed. Presumably yours.” Remus only half hid his grin.
“Not now, not today, silly. I mean, you know, how do they say: in the grand scheme of things.”
“Hmm.” Remus looked down at his hands. “I don't know. I - I don't want to think about it. I just want to enjoy every day.” While I still have you, he added to himself.
“What did Teddy say when you left? How did he take it?”
“Let's not talk about him, not now.”
“Fair enough.” Sirius took a sip of wine, then turned towards Remus and took his hand. “I'm happy you're here.”
“I'm happy too.” Even as he said it, Remus felt a tightness in his chest. Was it fear? This was too good, too perfect. How did he deserve another chance with Sirius? Then he remembered the price he was paying. The price others were paying for his happiness. But damn it, didn't he deserve this? Couldn't he be selfish for once?
“You all right?” Sirius broke into his thoughts.
“What? Oh yes, fine. I'm just - it's just I can't quite believe this is happening.”
“I still have no clue what exactly happened. I mean, who would have thought - the two of us together at Grimmauld Place of all places. I didn't think I'd ever set foot in this place again.”
“Nor I. Not after - well, after you died.”
“Where did the time disappear to? What do you reckon?” Sirius pondered.
“Perhaps it stays beyond the Veil. I don't know. Perhaps it's enough for one of us to remember.”
“Think so?”
“No, actually I don't. It's hard, Sirius. I try not to think about it. I'm happy you don't remember those times, happy for you. And I'm definitely happy you're back.” He squeezed Sirius's hand. “Immensely happy.”
~~*~~
Back up in his room, Remus watched Tonks chase Teddy in and out the photo frame on his bedside table. When Teddy saw him, he waved, pulling his mum over. Tonks's smile faltered. The look she had for Remus was one he couldn't read.
With a sigh, Remus sat down on his bed, the frame clutched in his hands. After a while, Teddy forgot about him watching and crouched to play with something on the ground that Remus could not see in the photograph. Remus stared at the empty picture, a sad smile on his face until he heard Sirius call him from across the hall. Remus carefully set the photo back.
With a last look back, Remus closed the door and crossed the hallway. “Coming,” he said as he passed the threshold. A wave of warmth flooded through him as he saw Sirius sitting on his bed, opening his arms invitingly. At that moment, Remus had only eyes for the lover he had lost and found twice over. Everything and anything was possible now. It was exactly like it had been some twenty years ago when they had moved into their first flat.
Remus tried to ignore the uneasiness that lurked behind the happiness. He told himself that he was just feeling guilty for leaving Dora behind, and Teddy, most of all Teddy. Which was true. He told himself that he was just afraid that he'd lose Sirius again. Which was also true. Deep down, Remus knew, though, that he wasn't just afraid it could happen, he was certain it would. He knew this couldn't last.
“I'm here,” he whispered, if only to reassure himself.
This entry was originally posted at http://nathaniel-hp.dreamwidth.org/178783.html. Comments are welcome either here or over at DW.
Rating: PG-13
Contents or warnings (highlight to view): *none *
Word count: ~ 4500
Summary: Ten years after his death, Sirius Black shows up at the doorstep of his old friend and lover Remus Lupin.
Notes: Written for bearshorty for the rs_small_gifts exchange. Possibly the best prompt I ever had. A short story does not do it justice, at all. There is a novel growing as I type this. There is more, much more where it came from, though I don't have any idea when said novel will be written and finished.
I am very grateful to
catsintheattic for her enthusiasm and encouragement when we discussed this story and to pavlablack for the beta and her astute and helpful comments. You guys rock!
What was Lost ...
Teddy jumped up as soon as he heard the knock on the door.
“Wait, Teddy!” Remus called after the boy and pushed himself out of his armchair.
“Let him go, love. You worry too much. It's probably just Michael from next door,” Tonks reassured her husband, who sank back into the cushions.
“Dad, there's someone at the door for you.”
“Who is it?”
“He didn't say.”
“Well, what did he say?”
“He said, 'Hello, young man' and 'Can I speak to Remus Lupin, please' and -”
“Just go answer the door, Remus,” Tonks cut in.
Remus put aside the Prophet and slowly manoeuvred himself out of the chair.
~~*~~
The cane clattered to the floor. Remus pressed his back against the door jamb to keep upright.
“Sirius?” he whispered.
The man before him couldn't have been much older than twenty-five, but he was unmistakably Sirius Black. A Sirius Black the way Remus remembered him from the time just after Hogwarts, the black hair a Ziggy Stardust style that he'd never been able to shed as the '70s moved on, his skin smooth except for the dimples that accompanied his smile. But Sirius Black was dead, had been dead for ten years.
“You're not real,” Remus said firmly.
He heard Tonks move into the hallway. Magic rushed past his ear and the man in front of him crashed to the ground, his face frozen in the grin that had been about to falter and that was so painfully Sirius that Remus was unable to tear his eyes away. He felt Tonks press his cane into his hand, her hand remaining close to his elbow as he righted himself.
“What happened? Who is he?”
“Sirius. Or so he said. But how can he be? Look at him. He can't be older than Harry.”
Tonks muttered “Nucleus revelio” and let her wand hover over the paralysed man's heart. A white cloud of light formed over the body. It changed shapes until it turned inky black with a dot of bright white light shining from its depths.
“It's Sirius's magical signature.”
Remus nodded, the familiarity of Sirius's magical essence piercing his heart.
“Unless he managed to forge it,” Tonks continued, “and I have no idea how he could have, this man really is Sirius Black.”
“But he died,” Remus muttered as he stared at the man.
“Let's take him inside. We can't just leave him lying on our doorstep. I'll call Harry at the DMLE.”
Tonks levitated the young Sirius to the sitting room and laid him down on the sofa. Teddy looked on open-mouthed.
“Why don't you go see Grandma, Ted?”
“Dad!” Teddy wailed in protest.
“Teddy, now,” came Tonks's stern reply.
The boy slouched off, his bottom lip sulkily poking out.
“I'll call Harry,” Remus said. If anyone sensed Sirius's signature, the Aurors would be here in no time. As far as Remus remembered, no one had bothered to straighten the records after Sirius's death. While Fudge had admitted his mistake, the promised inquiry had never taken place.
A part of Remus was reluctant to accept that the man before him was really Sirius. At the same time, he wanted nothing more than to just have Sirius back, no matter how. Inside him anger and happiness fought with each other. Sirius being back was his deepest, most secret wish come true - a wish that he had resigned himself was never to be granted. Remus wasn't sure if he was more angry about the fact that Sirius just showed up, intruding on his family without warning, or that it had taken him ten years to do so. The only thing Remus knew for certain was that he didn't want the Ministry to get its hands on Sirius.
Remus lowered himself onto bench by the fireplace, his left leg stretched out as he leant over to his right. He tossed a handful of Floo powder into the hearth and called, “Department of Magical Law Enforcement. Harry Potter's office.”
“Yep,” Ron Weasley answered, his head appearing in the flames. “Oh, it's you, Remus. How are you? And Tonks and the little one?”
“Fine. Ron, I need to talk to Harry.”
“I think he just went to the l- ah, there he is! It's Remus,” he called over his shoulder before his head disappeared.
“Hi, Remus.” Harry sat down at the Floo desk, a convenience that Remus was envious of - it was a nightmare to get back up with his bothersome leg. “What's the matter? Ron sounded like it was urgent.”
“I'm sorry to call you in the office like that, Harry, but … well, we just had a man call at our door who claims to be Sirius Black. He looks like him, but he can't be older than you and Ron. Tonks checked his magical signature and it's really him.”
“Sirius? But - I mean, I saw him - we saw ...” Harry stopped talking and squeezed his eyes shut while he massaged his temples. Remus heard him murmur, catching words like “the Veil” and “not possible”. He waited, willing himself not to look back to where Sirius was lying behind him. When Harry continued speaking, Remus couldn't overhear the barely suppressed excitement. “Where is he now?”
“On the couch, out cold.”
“Tonks's doing?”
“Of course.” Remus allowed himself a hint of a grin before he turned sombre again. “Will you come?”
“Of course. We'll leave right away.”
Before the connection was interrupted, Remus heard him call, “Ron!Ron! Come on, we have to go. Sirius is back!”
~~*~~
“James! Thank fuck you're here!” Sirius exclaimed when Harry entered the room. “What the hell is going on?”
Harry stared at Sirius. Remus realised that he had only ever seen photos of the young - and handsome - Sirius. That he had lost a father figure and was now looking at a peer.
“This is Harry, Sirius,” whispered Tonks.
“James's son,” Remus added when he saw the incomprehension on Sirius's face.
“You're having me on! Yes, this is all very funny. Haha. Now, can you guys stop it? You've had your fun. You had me there for a second. I have a thumping headache which I deserve, I know. My own fault for drinking too much last night.”
“Sirius, you were gone for ten years! The last time you saw Harry he was a teenager.” How could he not remember? Did he not know what had happened to James and Lily?
“Oh, come on, Moony, enough. Though I have to say, the ageing potion is a nice touch. And the cane. You're quite the actor; I never knew.” Sirius grinned.
Remus gaped at him, the magnitude of what he was dealing with slowly sinking in: Sirius did not remember. Didn't remember James's and Lily's death, didn't remember his duel with Peter, nor Azkaban. Didn't remember his escape or their reunion. Did not remember. It made sense if his appearance was an indication; how could he know of things that for him hadn't yet happened.
Tonks fidgeted beside Remus. “Sirius, James is dead. I told you. I wasn't making things up.”
It was Sirius's turn to gape.
“So - So you're telling me - James and Lily? No. No!” He shook his head and looked around wildly. Remus was reminded of the dreadful poster they had used after Sirius's break-out. “What the fuck is going on? This is madness!”
“It's unique, at least,” Ron put in, ignoring Sirius's ravings and addressing Harry, Tonks and Remus. “No one's ever come back from beyond the Veil.”
“How would you know? I thought the Unspeakables guarded their secrets like dragons their hoard,” Tonks asked.
“Everybody knows that no one comes back from the Veil,” Harry murmured, staring at Sirius.
“Well, since I happen to be friendly with one of the Unspeakables, I also happen to know that they have done extensive research into the workings of the veil,” Ron said. “They seem to thinks it's possible to use the Veil both ways. Why else would they bother?”
Remus said, “I trust that you won't tell your friend about this? I don't want them to take Sirius into custody. As far as I know, the Ministry records were never altered after his death. For all intents and purposes of the Ministry he's still a convicted murderer.”
“Don't worry, I won't tell her. We'll have to give them a hint sometime, though. I mean this is huge, isn't it?”
“Oy, what do you mean, convicted murderer?” Sirius shouted. “Don't talk as if I'm not here! I don't care about the Ministry; I just want to know what's going on.”
“That's what we're trying to find out. You'll stay here for now,” Remus said, not looking at his wife.
~~*~~
“So you remember me, right?”
“'Course I do,” Sirius said, incredulous.
“What do you remember?”
“We met on the Hogwarts Express. Had a grand time at school. All that Marauding. We had sex on the Astronomy Tower in sixth year. We joined the Order after we left school, and we shared a flat. And a bed.” Sirius grinned suggestively. “And then I woke up just outside this tiny Muggle village near Newcastle and now I find that everything is different. James and Lily dead. Peter a traitor. I use a navigation spell to find you and find out that time went on without me and you've become an old man!”
“I'm forty-five, that's hardly old!”
“Well yes, I guess. You know what I mean though. The last time I saw you we'd just left school. Now I feel I don't really know you any more. We were supposed to grow old together, Remus.”
“Oh, Pads, don't.” Remus pinched the bridge of his nose and rubbed his eyes. He would not cry. Not now. Not in front of this Sirius.
~~*~~
“Do you want to meet Teddy?”
“Who's Teddy?”
“My son,” Remus said, then added, “Our son” as Tonks entered the room.
“The young lad who answered the door?”
“Yes, that's him.” Remus smiled.
“How old is he?”
“Eight.”
“Merlin, Remus, what else have I missed?”
Remus wanted to say “Everything”. Their common ground ceased to exist two decades ago. Remus chose not to answer Sirius's question and said instead, “Come on then.”
“Wait, what will we tell him who I am?”
“Oh. An old school friend of mine? I mean, you are. Or perhaps better one of his Uncle Harry's friends. Even someone as young as Teddy will be able to tell that we don't look the same age.”
“Harry's friend?” Sirius frowned at him.
“What would you have me do, Sirius? We can't just pick up where you remember us from twenty years ago. It doesn't work that way.”
“Well, it should. Don't tell me you've forgotten everything.”
How dare he? Damn it, but Remus had forgotten how infuriating Sirius Black could be. Remus's anger lashed out and the air around him crackled with magic. He had not forgotten anything. He remembered a lover lost twice whereas Sirius wanted to renew a schoolboy crush. The unfairness of the statement made Remus want to scream. Still he shouldn't be angry with him. It was not his fault for not remembering. Remus took a deep breath and calmed himself. “Sirius, please. Just for now. I don't understand what happened, neither do you. How can we expect Teddy to do so? Please.” He beckoned Sirius to follow him.
~~*~~
“What was it like?”
“What was what like?”
“The Veil. What happened when you were gone?”
“No idea. I mean, I didn't even know I'd been gone until I got back.”
“So there's nothing.”
“Don't know. Scary thought though, isn't it?”
Remus had to fight back a laugh. “Two philosophers at work,” he said, shaking his head.
“Don't think we're doing that badly. Who knows, we could have both been Unspeakables.”
“As if you'd be able to keep quiet about your work.”
“Fair point.” Sirius refilled their tumblers with Firewhiskey. “Cheers!”
Remus smiled. It was almost like being back in their dormitory at Hogwarts. They'd never contemplated death and the afterlife or lack thereof, true. And now, James and Peter weren't there. And never would be again.
~~*~~
Remus found that it was surprisingly easy to slip back into a post-Hogwarts routine with Sirius. To forget about the mistrust and the betrayal, the bittersweetness of finding a lost lover who came back to him broken and raw, and the renewed loss. To forget about all this for just a couple of hours was a gift that Remus cherished, and so he sought to spend as much time as possible with Sirius.
And yet, as much as he wished to forget, he was often reminded of how different they were now. They had always been different, but now they no longer shared differing views on the same memories - they no longer had the same memories. At times, there seemed to be an almost unbridgeable chasm between them that had never before separated them. Sirius had lost their shared past that Remus could not forget. Not with Sirius around to remind him of it. And yet, Sirius made him feel younger than he had in years. If only his body would cooperate in his attempt to relive his youth. Nostalgic foolishness, perhaps, for a past that was irreversibly lost. And it was a guilty pleasure, for every hour Remus spent with Sirius, he felt he was denying his family and the life he had built in the past ten years.
They were sitting in their usual spot in the garden, just enjoying their time together. Over at the other side of the house, Tonks chased Teddy around a group of cherry trees.
“Does it bother you?” Sirius asked.
“Does what bother me?”
“That you can't play with him as she does.”
“Sometimes.” He looked over at his wife and son with fondness and a hint of sadness. “You can go play with him, if you like. I'm fine watching and I'm sure Dora wouldn't mind a break.”
“No, I want to stay with you.” Sirius's hand moved over to find Remus's who quickly folded his hands in his laps, not without regret.
As he watched his family, Remus grew more and more uncomfortable with the odd situation he was finding himself in.
“It's not right. None of this is right. I thought you were gone for good. Dead. I mourned for you, Sirius.” He couldn't keep the accusation out of the statement.
Sirius rose to the bait spectacularly. “Didn't take you long to hook up with my cousin. Not only that but you got her pregnant too.”
“Leave Tonks and Teddy out of this, Pads,” Remus said, his voice now tired and quiet.
“How can I? What if they weren't here? What then, Remus?”
“Don't you think I've asked myself the same question over and over again. But they are here. Are you asking me to leave them?”
Sirius eyed him with a strange look on his face. They were silent for a long time.
“I'll go visit Harry, I think.” Sirius got up abruptly.
“Sirius. Wait! Please.”
Sirius didn't turn around, and Remus heard the pop of Apparition before he had rounded the corner of the house.
~~*~~
“Wow, it's almost as if it's not the same house any more!” Sirius exclaimed.
“You like it then?” Harry asked.
“I do. Wish it had been like this while I grew up here.”
“Will you be okay?”
“Of course. You'll visit. And Remus will be here, won't you?” he asked the man standing behind Harry.
“Well, I - I'll visit, of course, and often. But I can't stay here. You know I can't.”
An awkward silence descended on the three men in the hallway, and for once, Remus almost wished Sirius's mother was still there to insult him from her portrait.
Harry cleared his throat. “As soon as we got your name cleared, you'll be able to come and go as you please. Won't be long now. I submitted the Pensieve memory to the Wizengamot. The hearing is in two days.”
Sirius ignored him and made a vague movement with his hands while staring at Remus. “But you said -”
“I know I did. But Teddy is ill and Dora has to work. I can't stay.”
Harry fidgeted where he stood between the two men and said, “Well, I'll let you settle in then. Floo-call when you need something, okay?” He turned to Remus. “Bye, Remus.”
“Goodbye, Harry.”
As soon as Harry had closed the door behind him, Sirius moved closer to Remus and ran his hands down Remus's arms. “It's just us now. What shall we do with our new-found freedom?”
Remus took a small step back. “I really have to leave. I promised Dora I wouldn't be long. Let's get your stuff up to your room for starters so you can unpack.”
“I was thinking about something a little more exciting.” Sirius pulled Remus close and kissed him. Remus couldn't help but close his eyes and surrender to the sensation and to the man he had so missed. A timeless moment of bliss passed before his thoughts caught up with him and he pulled away. “Sirius, we can't!”
But they could and they did. It was a one-off thing. Not to happen again. Or so Remus told himself every time.
~~*~~
“Where have you been?”
“Went to the pub with Harry, Ron and Kingsley.”
“I floo-called Harry, Remus.”
“Oh.” Remus blushed furiously. “I was with Sirius, okay?” he added.
“No, it's not okay.”
“Dora, please.”
“Don't Dora me, Remus Lupin. You smell of sex. I think it's best if you found somewhere else to stay and made a decision. It's us or him, Remus, you can't have both.”
~~*~~
“Dad, are you mad at me?”
“No, sweet, what makes you think so?”
“It's just - you're quiet and away so often and - did Mum and you have a fight?”
“We had a bit of a disagreement. People don't always get along, not even your mum and dad. It's quite normal.”
“But you won't leave, will you, Dad?”
“What gave you that idea?”
“I heard Mum talking to Gran ...”
Remus sighed. “Ted, I don't want to lie to you. It's possible that I'll be away for a while. But never forget, I love you, little man, no matter what. Okay?”
“Okay.” Teddy nodded seriously. He furrowed his brows and watched Remus intently. “Dad?”
“Yes, dear?”
“Are you going to stay with Uncle Sirius?”
“I don't know, Teddy. I don't know.”
“But if you are, will I be allowed to visit?”
“Of course. Any time.”
Teddy nodded thoughtfully. “I love you, Daddy.”
“I love you too, Ted.”
~~*~~
“You're here.”
“Yes.”
“I'll show you your room.”
“I thought we might start with something a little more exciting.” Remus grinned, dropped his belongings and pulled Sirius's face towards his with both hands, wobbling slightly until Sirius steadied him. He hesitated for a split second, catching Sirius's eye before he leant up and kissed him deeply.
When they broke apart, Remus cleared his throat and asked, “So, my room?”
“Yes, okay.” Sirius picked up Remus's bag. He was halfway up the first flight when he realised that Remus wasn't following.
“I'm coming.” Remus silently cursed the stairs and his leg, and Sirius - for not having to think about stairs and for forgetting to think about him. He gritted his teeth and slowly followed Sirius, who had gone ahead and was impatiently waiting for him on the first-floor landing.
“Well, we'll have to figure something out. This will not do. Can't have you spending half your day on the stairs, can we?” And with that, Sirius scooped him up in his arms and started to carry him up the last flight.
“Sirius, put me down!” Remus squirmed. “I can walk well enough by myself.”
“I know you can, but this is easier and quicker. I have plans for us, and they don't involve spending precious time on stairs.”
Remus knew better than to argue with Sirius when he had set his mind to a task. He also remembered how he had gladly let Sirius carry him back up to Gryffindor Tower after some of his nastier transformations. He had rested his forehead in the crook of Sirius's neck, closed his eyes and inhaled his scent. He had felt happy then no matter how badly his injuries were hurting him. Remus's eyes were about to close now, when Sirius set him down and said, “Here it is. I cleaned out Reg's room for you.” He opened the door and allowed Remus to step through.
The room was sparsely decorated and contained only a dresser and a large four-poster bed. Some light spots on the wall were all that remained of the gruesome paintings that Remus remembered from the time Grimmauld place had served as Order headquarters.
“Thank you. This is great.”
“My room's across the hallway.”
“I know.”
Sirius barked out a laugh. “'Course you do. Merlin, we're behaving like teenagers, aren't we? I'll fix us something to eat.”
“I'll be down in a bit.”
“Call me if you need help.”
Remus nodded, knowing that he wouldn't.
“Righto. Tea?”
“Uh, yes. Black -”
“With a dash of milk and a sprinkle of sugar. I remember. We have wine, too, if you like.”
“Wine it is then.”
The fire crackled merrily behind the two armchairs that Sirius had placed beside the fireplace.
When they settled down, Sirius said, “I hate the library and the sitting room. Too many bad memories.”
“I like it here. It's nice and cosy.”
“So, what happens now?” Sirius eyed Remus thoughtfully.
“I'd say, we drink our wine, then sometime tonight you'll carry me up to bed. Presumably yours.” Remus only half hid his grin.
“Not now, not today, silly. I mean, you know, how do they say: in the grand scheme of things.”
“Hmm.” Remus looked down at his hands. “I don't know. I - I don't want to think about it. I just want to enjoy every day.” While I still have you, he added to himself.
“What did Teddy say when you left? How did he take it?”
“Let's not talk about him, not now.”
“Fair enough.” Sirius took a sip of wine, then turned towards Remus and took his hand. “I'm happy you're here.”
“I'm happy too.” Even as he said it, Remus felt a tightness in his chest. Was it fear? This was too good, too perfect. How did he deserve another chance with Sirius? Then he remembered the price he was paying. The price others were paying for his happiness. But damn it, didn't he deserve this? Couldn't he be selfish for once?
“You all right?” Sirius broke into his thoughts.
“What? Oh yes, fine. I'm just - it's just I can't quite believe this is happening.”
“I still have no clue what exactly happened. I mean, who would have thought - the two of us together at Grimmauld Place of all places. I didn't think I'd ever set foot in this place again.”
“Nor I. Not after - well, after you died.”
“Where did the time disappear to? What do you reckon?” Sirius pondered.
“Perhaps it stays beyond the Veil. I don't know. Perhaps it's enough for one of us to remember.”
“Think so?”
“No, actually I don't. It's hard, Sirius. I try not to think about it. I'm happy you don't remember those times, happy for you. And I'm definitely happy you're back.” He squeezed Sirius's hand. “Immensely happy.”
~~*~~
Back up in his room, Remus watched Tonks chase Teddy in and out the photo frame on his bedside table. When Teddy saw him, he waved, pulling his mum over. Tonks's smile faltered. The look she had for Remus was one he couldn't read.
With a sigh, Remus sat down on his bed, the frame clutched in his hands. After a while, Teddy forgot about him watching and crouched to play with something on the ground that Remus could not see in the photograph. Remus stared at the empty picture, a sad smile on his face until he heard Sirius call him from across the hall. Remus carefully set the photo back.
With a last look back, Remus closed the door and crossed the hallway. “Coming,” he said as he passed the threshold. A wave of warmth flooded through him as he saw Sirius sitting on his bed, opening his arms invitingly. At that moment, Remus had only eyes for the lover he had lost and found twice over. Everything and anything was possible now. It was exactly like it had been some twenty years ago when they had moved into their first flat.
Remus tried to ignore the uneasiness that lurked behind the happiness. He told himself that he was just feeling guilty for leaving Dora behind, and Teddy, most of all Teddy. Which was true. He told himself that he was just afraid that he'd lose Sirius again. Which was also true. Deep down, Remus knew, though, that he wasn't just afraid it could happen, he was certain it would. He knew this couldn't last.
“I'm here,” he whispered, if only to reassure himself.
This entry was originally posted at http://nathaniel-hp.dreamwidth.org/178783.html. Comments are welcome either here or over at DW.