[log] Mission: End the Emo-Kureno [Kureno, Yuugao]
[Backlogged to the beginning of January!]
Life had been gradually improving for Yuugao. He'd made sure to visit the Paper Dolls once a week at least, played with Neko-chan whenever he got the chance, worked with his team, had taken Asuka home, ran missions, and had even gone to see his mother. The visit had been largely uneventful, but it had taken a weight off of his mind. But his visits with Asuka - sparse and random though they were - left him feeling down. She was still recovering, but her spirits were so low despite it all. And Kureno had not improved much at all. In fact, Yuugao was sure he recognized some of Kureno's traits a little too well. And they made him quiver.
He'd been down that road. And never wanted to return.
With Kureno's continual downward spiral, Yuugao had made an effort to run into the man whenever he could. And he would smile, offer companionship, and stay bright despite the negative answers he got from Kureno. It had gone on long enough. And so it was that he made his way to Kureno's place on a cold evening, determined to face his own demons if it meant he could pull Kureno out of the depressing slump he had fallen into.
Yuugao rubbed his hands together to warm them in the chilly evening and knocked on the door. He perked up and waited patiently, dressed in civilian clothing for once. It felt odd to wear anything other than the uniform. Almost like all the times he had lounged around with Hayako. When there had been people who identified him as someone other than the socially awkward ANBU.
He just kept smiling. Kureno needed this. Likely just as much as Yuugao did.
Kureno broke out of his thoughts and looked up from the New Year's card in his hand toward the direction of his front door but didn't move to answer it. Times like this he wished he had Hinaji's Byakugan, just so he could take a peek through the walls and predict his guests, and whether or not they fell into the "unwanted" variety.
He wasn't up for company. He wasn't up for socializing. (He might be up for working, but if it had been work they wouldn't have used the front door.) He wasn't up for any more worried faces or disapproving frowns or ever seeing another person ever again. He just wanted to be alone. ...He wanted to get used to being alone.
They were some...less than healthy thoughts. And perhaps for that reason--and the realization that he never really would be all alone--Kureno got up and answered the door just before its third knock.
"...Yuugao." Well he hadn't been on his list of expectations. Was he here to beat him up again? Kureno wasn't sure he could trust that smile. "What're you doing here?"
"Kureno!" Yuugao almost chirped.
It wasn't hard to see just how much Kureno wanted him gone. But it wasn't going to work. Not today. Yuugao was determined to be Kureno's personal happiness plague.
"You hungry?" he asked, raising his eyebrows with the question. Food would be an excuse to get him out. If nothing else, Yuugao could pull on Kureno owing him dinner or something. And if food didn't work, then he could pull on Yuugao needing to talk to him. Or needing someone to keep him company tonight.
He would get Kureno out of this place so he could snap him out of this slump. Even if he had to drag him out. Though he really hoped it wouldn't come down to that.
"No, I just ate." Well, that had been over three hours ago, but that didn't make him hungry. Kureno didn't have anything personal against Yuugao, but he didn't have anything personal with him either. He was an acquaintance and comrade, not really a friend. ...Which made him more curious as to why the man was even here.
Yuugao leaned in a little closer and sniffed the air. There was a faint odor of something food-like, but it was far too faint for something recent. "What did you have? Rice cereal? I thought you ate better than that, Kureno." He smiled. "But you've got to be thirsty. C'mon, it can be on me if you like, or wait..." He thought for a moment and then waved a finger at Kureno. "I think you owe me a drink."
It was a pathetic way to force him out, but Yuugao wasn't about to give up so easily.
Kureno just arched any eyebrow up at him. "How do I owe you a drink?"
And therein came the problem with pathetic methods. Yuugao just put on a mock frown. "For being such a hermit. C'mon, it'll do you good. A little sake will warm us both right up and it'll give you a chance to hang out with yours truly."
He risked it and slung his arm over Kureno's shoulders. "I won't even make you pay for my food." He broadened his grin and kept his senses sharp in case Kureno took a swing at him.
Kureno did frown unpleasantly at Yuugao. Normally Kureno didn't tolerate physical contact well, especially the more friendly and intimate gestures, and especially with other men. Aki was an exception, because "normally" hardly had anything to do with Aki. He put up with this however, just because a part of him still felt indebted to Yuugao for being one of the people he left behind. Besides, Kureno was beginning to pick up that, like Aki, Yuugao was probably not going to be taking "no" for an answer tonight which made Kureno inwardly groan. He really didn't wish to go anywhere, but... Indebted. (Besides, maybe this would be better for him than just staring at Asuka's card all night and trying to decide if he would keep it or trash it. Or tear it, or burn it, or...)
"Fine," he relented at last and without a mask of politeness to cover up the unwillingness he was doing this with. "But I don't want to stay out long."
"Hey, no worries. It's a school night and I've got drills way too early tomorrow morning. It will loosen you up, if you let it." Yuugao softened his smile and relinquished his claim on Kureno's shoulders. He wasn't so foolish as to not see how little Kureno touched other men. And a person would have be blind not to see how begrudging Kureno was about the entire thing.
Yuugao led the way to the closest little restaurant and they got seats immediately. The handful of other patrons ignored the two men and Yuugao was glad for it. He ordered a plate of sushi and got a bottle of sake for the both of them. Even with his comments about Kureno paying for the drinks, he put them all on his bill. With the waitress finally gone, Yuugao poured a little sake for Kureno and pushed it over to him, pouring his own as he spoke.
"You seen Asuka yet?"
"Yes," was all Kureno supplied, downing the alcohol eagerly despite his protesting attitude to even come. He was here and it was no doubt because Yuugao wanted to talk to him about something. (It wasn't really going to be about Asuka though, was it? Maybe he would have been better off at home with the card.) There was no understanding that Kureno had to be agreeable or cooperative in the conversation though.
It was going to be a very long night. But at least he'd gotten Kureno out here. That was a start.
Yuugao looked up from his sake glass and kept a straight face. "You both look like hell. Wanna talk about it? Or would you rather continue to wallow in your depressing thoughts?"
Hell, it was going to be about Asuka, wasn't it. Kureno scowled at Yuugao over the lip of his cup.
"I'll just wallow, thanks," he replied with a dry civility.
And there was the scowl. At least he wouldn't have to dance around the subject as much. Yuugao never could do that quite as well as Kureno. He straightened up and set down the sake bottle, still not having touched his own cup. "For how long? Until you stop noticing that you're lonely? Or when you've lost yourself entirely? At your rate it may not even take two years, you've already gotten the solitude part down. You may even start to scare off Academy-brats with a glance in a couple months."
Yuugao tilted his head and narrowed his eyes at Kureno. "You might even make a passable drunkard. Though your taste in alcohol may have to get cheaper if you're gonna be able to afford your habit very long."
Kureno scoffed at that last idea, setting his empty cup down. Cheap or expensive, if Yuugao knew his constitution he'd know being a drunkard was something Kureno could never afford to be. But that wasn't the real issue here.
"So is this why you really dragged me out here? To lecture me? To council me?" He sighed, a tired but patient sound, and placed his arms on the table to to lean his weight on them. "Alright. Go ahead. You're not the first."
Great. He'd gotten cynical already. Cynics were always the harder ones to work with. Though at least Kureno wasn't completely despondent yet - those were the ones you just had to knock upside the head a few times to get them to really reply. At least he didn't have to force the smile anymore.
"I was planning on giving you council, yes, but more than anything I wanted to help you. I'm pretty sure everyone else who dragged you out of your place had the same intentions, even if they didn't display them the same way." Yuugao watched Kureno for a moment, hoping the best way to prod the man out of this slump would come to him. Nothing appeared immediately, so he continued with his original plan.
"You've had a lot of time to think about things, haven't you, Kureno?"
"You could say that." Scrubbing floors for most of the day wasn't exactly a task that required intelligence, leaving his mind to wander if he didn't watch it too carefully. And then there was all the time he had during the day that he had to do practically nothing except think. He really missed his paperwork. With that, he at least was able to keep his mind preoccupied with facts, numbers, and organization. But now...
Now he had people. Most of them friends or close acquaintances (like Yuugao) who were trying to help in their awkward, sincere, but nonetheless ignorant ways. It was...nice, or at least it would be nice if it weren't just becoming something of an annoyance. Everyone thought they knew better than him, or what was best. But none of them were in his shoes; none of them knew what he was really going through or how it effected who he was; none of them could really understand; none of them were him. He began to let them try to understand anyway, perhaps in hope that someone could if only to help them understand that they couldn't. That was the only reason that he let Yuugao keep talking tonight.
...The free sake didn't hurt either.
He had been preparing himself for this conversation for a while and still didn't feel ready. There were topics that Yuugao avoided for a good reason and yet...if it meant he could help Kureno with his experiences, then so be it. A little emotional pain was nothing new.
"Any thoughts in particular you want to share?" Yuugao gave Kureno another smile and waited for a reply. "You'd be surprised what some people can relate to."
That had Kureno raising another eyebrow. So Yuugao thought he could relate, huh? Granted, Kureno wasn't so close to the ANBU that he didn't know he couldn't relate, but Kureno didn't have a lot of faith in the chances. What the hell though. The sooner he made the man understand he couldn't get through, the more confident he could be he wouldn't be bothered by him anymore. ...He'd need more sake first. Alcohol was going to be good to have in his system for (and probably after) this chat.
"What is it you're trying to council me on specifically?" he asked, pouring himself another cup. (He'd thought about doing the polite thing and waiting for Yuugao to offer him more, but he was just a tad impatient right now.) "I can more easily share my thoughts if I knew where to begin."
"You're in a dark place right now. No one can deny that. If nothing else, I understand that particular circumstance. Anything beyond that, well, I'm willing to help you however you'll let me." He took a sip of his sake and looked down at it. The clear liquid shimmered in the dim restaurant lights and Yuugao nodded at the waitress as she dropped off his plate of sushi.
Yuugao knew he wanted to make Asuka happy - even if it meant he wasn't the one doing it - but was sure that Kureno would block out any advice he had about that unless he could gain some more trust first. So, he wouldn't mention that one so directly. Not yet.
"If rambling would be best for you, I'm all right with that, too." He looked over at Kureno, for a moment thinking back on the same man who had helped him finally get the nerve to talk to Hayako. "It's not like I don't do some of that myself."
"I don't ramble," Kureno stated factually, in a tone that essentially told Yuugao that he wasn't him either. But it seemed that was obvious enough that time didn't need to be dwelt on it. He downed his second cup of sake just as easily as the first, resting it back on the table with a thoughtful look on his face. So no suggestions on where to start, huh. Well that was alright, Yuugao had already dropped a pretty big hint earlier.
"If you're wondering about my not visiting Asuka, I just haven't felt like it." 'Don't want to see her.' "I'm pretty pissed off at her, so I'm backing off. ...And I plan to stay that way until I'm over it." '...over her.'
Well, it looked like he didn't need to mention Asuka directly at all. Though he had already brought her up before...that was likely it, then. "I don't want to get in the middle of your disagreement, but what changed between-" the mission to Oto-hell, you abandoning us, Asuka nearly dying "-you saving her life and now? It would have to be something pretty drastic since I thought you two were close before."
He paused and frowned. "Are you blaming her for your punishment from Hokage-sama?" If that was the case then...wow. Yuugao had a lot of work to do.
"No." A pause. Then in a quieter tone, "...I don't know." He refilled his cup again. "No one made me go after her. That's something I decided to do for myself. I know I decided that for myself and can't blame anyone for making me go. .....But if she hadn't gone... If she hadn't set it up..." He shook his head. "I just don't know what she was thinking." 'Though it seems clear what she wasn't thinking about.'
"As for what changed, well... Like you said. I've had a lot of time to think about things."
"And just how did you come to the conclusion that she wasn't worth having in your life?" Yuugao arched an eyebrow and sipped his sake. "If it was something she said, I don't doubt she's aching from a throwaway comment or two. I don't want to guilt you into seeing her again by saying she's looking miserable, but the fact that you both look miserable leaves me to wonder if you've got the same ailment."
He dipped one of the pieces of sushi in the soy sauce and popped the entire thing into his mouth. He chewed slowly, letting the sweet flavor fill his mouth before swallowing and keeping his eyes intently on Kureno.
The other man sat in a contemplative silence on his side of the table, sake cup raised to drink but instead was just being stared into as he got stuck thinking on one thing: ...How did he come to that conclusion? (He hadn't actually heard much of what Yuugao was talking about after that.)
It had just seemed like the obvious and most logical thing to do, hadn't it? After all, the only reason (the only real reason) Kureno had broken the law was because in the moment he left, he was more than aware that this had nothing to do with saving a comrade; it was about saving someone he cared for more than anyone else. Hell, since this whole thing, while never confirming it, neither had he argued anyone who accused him of being in love with her. But...if he was in love with her...and to the point he would neglect the village, then obviously it was a problem. One in need of immediate rectification.
This didn't mean she wasn't worth having in his life. He wouldn't have put it that way. However, she couldn't have the same significance to him anymore. He needed time to adjust to that change, to make it real. He also needed resolution. There was more to it than just his anger at her actions and his current situation, but that was his to deal with. ...Wasn't it?
Kureno put his cup down without drinking from it, still staring distantly into the liquid. But he didn't answer Yuugao.
Huh. Somehow he'd managed to silence Kureno. And from the expression on the other man's face, he was actually thinking about it. That was an accomplishment so far - he just had to make sure the conclusion was in favor of coming out of the slump instead of wallowing deeper. Yuugao waited for Kureno to finish working through his thoughts and reply, but it was quickly becoming apparent that either he had an awful lot to think about or he was stunned into silence. Or something like that.
He ate another piece of sushi, still watching Kureno closely. When there was still no response, Yuugao dared to speak up again, making sure his tone was the farthest thing from smug.
"Does this mean you're starting to rethink that conclusion?"
"No." He frowned. "That's not the conclusion I came to, I mean," he corrected. If Yuugao had doubt on that, he did well holding back on making it obvious, not that Kureno was looking up at him yet anyway.
"It's not that she's not worth having in my life. I just can't...have her as close. Not in the same way before all of this. It has to change."
Oh. So that was it. Yuugao felt a familiar twinge and looked down at the soy sauce on his plate. He had to do this, no matter to how it would bring up emotions he had since dealt with. "You can't risk feeling too much, can you?" Yuugao idly picked up his third piece of sushi and examined it languidly. "So you're just going to cut yourself off from the world, is that it? If you don't have that many connections then it won't hurt when they die or get hurt?"
He lifted his gaze and frowned a little. "Isn't that right, Kureno-sensei?"
That was...
Kureno raised his head, finally looking Yuugao back in the eye. More silence passed between them before words.
"...It's so I don't make the same mistake again."
"And instead make another one?" Yuugao quirked an eyebrow and continued to frown. "You can't make this mistake again, anyway, Kureno. Think about it - you can't do high level missions. You won't be able to desert a mission, period."
He was being a bit harsh and he knew it, but it was becoming apparent that Yuugao would need a firm hand to keep Kureno listening. So he let his ANBU captain persona slip in and felt himself take on a more imposing posture. Kureno may think he had it worse than anyone, but Yuugao was not about to let it affect him - not when he had seen the same dark places Kureno saw. Not when he knew the way back out and had a chance to pull Kureno out - kicking and screaming if he must.
It did suddenly become a little harder to block out Yuugao's advice when he began putting his authority behind it. (He even straightened up without thinking about it.) It was ingrained in him to respond to experience and rank, and right now, despite still holding the title of jounin, there was no doubt Yuugao had more command than him. ...Using it against him seemed like a cheap shot though.
"There are still chances I might be called to higher level missions; I'm not the first choice anymore but I'm not absolutely forbidden. If anything I could be put on a team again, not as leader of course, but...there is a chance." His steeled gaze didn't break away from Yuugao. "I've promised myself to be ready for it."
Apparently he'd heard wrong then. Yuugao didn't let this news break his gaze or stance, though. Kureno meeting him head on meant that he certainly couldn't back down now. "And being ready for it means you deny yourself emotions? It's not like Asuka goes running to her death every mission - in fact, I'd bet that she'd be far more careful in missions if she had someone to come home for." He narrowed his eyes and took a slow breath, keeping back the hasty or foolish comments that kept coming to mind.
"How do you know that you're not just cutting yourself out of something wonderful?"
Cutting out of something wonderful? How over-dramatic did that sound. He knew people thought that way about Asuka and him, but that may have been the first time he heard someone say it out loud and to his face. It sounded just as cheesy and over-romanticized as Kureno would have expected it to.
...So why did it make him pause for a second or five to wonder?
"Emotions just get in the way." He picked up his sake again, fitting in another sentence before downing it in one go again. "Ninja are supposed to work without them anyway."
Yuugao decided to let the romantic implications alone for a moment and instead focused on something that would hopefully convince Kureno.
"There are lots of things we're supposed to do, including keeping ourselves well balanced. Emotions only get in the way when you can't control them," Yuugao said, his tone darkening and his eyes narrowing dangerously. "And you, Kureno, are not a balanced tool. How well can you serve Konoha now?"
The cup came back down on the table. Hard. The other dishes rattled briefly, startling a passing server who took one look at the foul glare Kureno was giving the man across from him and decided any problems they were having didn't have anything to do with the food or service and quickly moved along.
"You think I'm not aware of that?" he hissed, head tucked between his shoulders like a cat arching its back; like a warning. "You think I haven't been kicking myself over that fact for the past few months? That it hasn't been virtually the only thing on my mind since I got out? That I don't care?! Because yeah, Yuugao, I really haven't minded how this mistake has practically ruined my life."
The rattling dishes didn't startle Yuugao. He had been waiting for Kureno to get mad for a while and when it finally came, he was ready.
"Ruined your life? It's only been a few months, Kureno." He recognized the warning in the man's posture and tone and willingly held his ground. "All things considered your life is still pretty comfortable." He narrowed his eyes dangerously and let just the barest tip of his emotion come through. "If only you'd open your eyes past the gloom and see it."
"See what?! The pleasant realm of eternal mediocrity I've reached? I know I haven't lost everything, Yuugao, but you know what? A part of me almost wishes I had. Then at the very least there would be room to make things better, to improve my life. I could at least focus on something, work toward something." His hand loosened from around his cup, red eyes turning to glower at that instead. "But I haven't lost all that much. Just everything I once worked so hard for.
"It may only have been a few months, but it's been a few months to adjust to the new existence that's to be my life." Kureno's voice returned to a conversational volume but there was an unmistakable disdain lingering heavily in it. "This isn't a punishment that's going to go away after a few months, or a year, or two. It's meant to last until I've taken my last breath. This is something that's going to effect how I live for as long as I live." He lifted his gaze without raising his head. "I don't know if you can fully understand that, but don't worry. I don't expect you to."
Yuugao had brought Kureno here with every intention of being nice. And being civil. But there was a limit to everyone - and Kureno had found the soft spot. A part of him was ready to leap to the reaction that would have Kureno on the floor in a death grip - the same reaction that had gotten his teammates to never mention Hayako after her death. But he'd grown beyond that and instead took on a sneer and a chilling tone.
"I wouldn't understand, would I? I have no experience with loss? None?" Yuugao scoffed. "Have you gotten so selfish that you forgot about her? That you forgot about me slinking around like a ghost and sitting stone-still on your couch? That those three years of my life never happened?"
He took a few slow breathes and sat back, his sneer darkening even more. "You selfish, self-wallowing idiot. Sure, your career is gone. But you know what? You still have something I would kill to have."
Yuugao enunciated the last three words with every bit of envy and disgust he could manage.
"She's. Still. Alive."
The absolute venom in Yuugao's voice startled Kureno who just barely managed to keep from shrinking in his seat. He knew the other man was capable of speaking like that, he just didn't know he was capable of speaking like that to him. That voice spoke to Kureno even deeper than his actual words did, although the combination is what broke through his sheltering stubbornness. Because Yuugao was right. He was right.
And Kureno really didn't want him to be.
The thought of Asuka dying had put a fire and a panic in him that had moved him to do the unthinkable; to do everything and anything he had to in order to save her. It hadn't mattered then how she got herself into such a mess, or that he would be coming back home to consequences that could leave his life changed forever. All that had mattered that day--and for an entire day--was Asuka and keeping her alive for however many more tomorrows he could get her.
But now, time had turned it stale. The rush and clarity of his f-feelings for her had dimmed somehow in that time he spent alone in the dark, no comforting voice or smile to thank him or assure him that despite everything he'd done and risked it had still been a good choice. There had only been blackness and silence filled with condemnation and the echoing voices of ghostly mentors and his own guilty conscience and logic that couldn't rationalize one life being worth three--no matter how much it meant to him. It had started consuming him then and only devoured more as answers to questions reached him. One life for three was unpardonable; one life, who had put themselves in Death's way, for three innocents who had not..?
What had he done? And then to find one of his few true friends had been pulled into his place, taking upon herself his dangers and responsibilities... What had he been thinking?
In that single day he learned that Asuka meant the world to him. And in every day since, he hadn't been able to justify it. He was wrong. He. Was. Wrong. And that meant Yuugao couldn't be right.
......But...Yuugao was right. How could that be?
Unable to speak and unable to look away, Kureno looked to Yuugao to continue, even dared him to--because he wanted to hear if he had an answer.
Yuugao's arms had started to shake and he fought to keep them still, the disgusted expression still evident as he took deep breathes to calm himself. He was done mourning Hayako, he'd reassured himself of that time and time again. But he still missed her and he knew that he always would. He just had to find a proper way to honor her memory. And if that meant he stopped Kureno from screwing up what he had, then so be it.
No one had pushed him this far in years and it was...strangely like deja vu. Though the control he was maintaining encouraged him; before he'd become vicious and it took at least two of his teammates to keep him from running off to Orochimayu or the Suna-nin who'd done the deed by himself.
"Asuka's still alive, Kureno. As much as I wish and hope and pray, Hayako is never coming back. " Yuugao swallowed hard and held the other man's gaze. "You have that privilege. Sure, she's pissed at you and you're stuck cleaning floors at the Academy, but you've still got a chance. I can't even count the times I almost snuck out on a suicide mission to get them back. But it wouldn't have done me any good. I almost-" Yuugao's voice softened and he lowered his gaze to the table, clenching his hands into fists. "I almost envy that you got the chance to save Asuka. I was never given that chance. She just went to work one day and then all that was left was her body.
"Being a ninja means the job is your life, but something we overlook is how much people can actually mean to us. Yes, utter loyalty is our life and duty. But your soul can long for something else. And there's no way you didn't feel that, Kureno. Not if you did something so unlike you and deserted us all for her." Yuugao shook his head, a bitter smile coming across his lips. "I was outraged before at being left behind, but after seeing both of you suffering like this...it makes me ache more. It brings back all of the dark thoughts and days and weeks and months of my life where I just couldn't function. Where all that mattered was making sure I knew just how miserable I could feel and remember how I'd failed her. How her killers were still out there..."
He leaned his head back and stared at the ceiling for a moment before leaning forward and resting his forearms on the table, meeting Kureno's eyes squarely. "I refuse to stand by and see you destroy yourself and something that I ache to have back. I've been to the dark places you have for longer and for something that wrenched my soul. I've explored all those avenues and know them better than you do. So don't you dare say I don't understand, Kureno." The venomous tone had trickled back into Yuugao's words and he hardened his gaze. "I won't be so forgiving in the future." And if you don't make her happy, then maybe someone else will take your place and let you wallow. Yuugao held his challenging stance and hoped it would never come to that.
......And what could Kureno say to that? Where were his arguments, his defenses? Not everything had sounded rational, but it hadn't sounded idiotic either. There weren't really any holes in Yuugao's statement--none that weren't too reverent and sacred to be twisted around anyway. So what could he say? What earthly right did he have to say anything back to that except maybe...
"I'm sorry."
But that's not really who Yuugao wanted him to apologize to, was it.
Sake cup turned upside-down, Kureno stood and pulled a few bills from his pocket and left them on the table. "Thank you for the drinks. Goodnight."
Yuugao's expression softened at Kureno's whisper and he closed his eyes. Two little words he had heard too often, said too often, and only made him internally flinch. "Sit down," he reached out and gently curled his fingers into the sleeve of Kureno's jacket.
"You don't need to leave." Yuugao looked up at Kureno and smiled, not bothering to hide the emotional exhaustion that was settling in. It was going to be a long night even if Kureno left and he wasn't so sure either of them should be alone right now. Yuugao certainly knew that he didn't want to be alone.
Unfortunately, alone is all Kureno wanted to be and Yuugao's wishes had little effect on changing his mind. So he didn't move to sit back down, though he didn't flinch or snatch his sleeve back either. He just became...still.
"I'm not angry." He finally turned to look the other man in the face. "That's not why I'm leaving. You didn't say anything offensive or wrong. Quite the opposite. ...Which is why I need to go." His eyes lifted toward the door and his voice grew even quieter.
"I have to figure out a few things."
"I see," Yuugao's eyes dropped to the floor as Kureno looked away and he let his hand slip free of Kureno's sleeve. It fell to the side of the table and hung limply there. Yuugao could understand wanting to be alone, that the other man needed time to sort things out. But it still didn't mean that he wanted to be alone.
He just felt...tired. And with the subjects he'd stirred up, well, he'd need to find some place where people were. People who would smile, keep him company, and not question his sudden somber mood. Unfortunately, no one came to mind immediately. Which might mean he'd end up all alone on the couch...sitting in the dark and fighting back the demons again. Or be ready for drills the next morning eight hours early, and just watch the sun rise at headquarters.
At least it was worth it, right? For Kureno's sake.
"Good luck," he said at last, not bothering to try and hide how his own mood had dropped. It had to be worth it. Didn't it?
Life had been gradually improving for Yuugao. He'd made sure to visit the Paper Dolls once a week at least, played with Neko-chan whenever he got the chance, worked with his team, had taken Asuka home, ran missions, and had even gone to see his mother. The visit had been largely uneventful, but it had taken a weight off of his mind. But his visits with Asuka - sparse and random though they were - left him feeling down. She was still recovering, but her spirits were so low despite it all. And Kureno had not improved much at all. In fact, Yuugao was sure he recognized some of Kureno's traits a little too well. And they made him quiver.
He'd been down that road. And never wanted to return.
With Kureno's continual downward spiral, Yuugao had made an effort to run into the man whenever he could. And he would smile, offer companionship, and stay bright despite the negative answers he got from Kureno. It had gone on long enough. And so it was that he made his way to Kureno's place on a cold evening, determined to face his own demons if it meant he could pull Kureno out of the depressing slump he had fallen into.
Yuugao rubbed his hands together to warm them in the chilly evening and knocked on the door. He perked up and waited patiently, dressed in civilian clothing for once. It felt odd to wear anything other than the uniform. Almost like all the times he had lounged around with Hayako. When there had been people who identified him as someone other than the socially awkward ANBU.
He just kept smiling. Kureno needed this. Likely just as much as Yuugao did.
Kureno broke out of his thoughts and looked up from the New Year's card in his hand toward the direction of his front door but didn't move to answer it. Times like this he wished he had Hinaji's Byakugan, just so he could take a peek through the walls and predict his guests, and whether or not they fell into the "unwanted" variety.
He wasn't up for company. He wasn't up for socializing. (He might be up for working, but if it had been work they wouldn't have used the front door.) He wasn't up for any more worried faces or disapproving frowns or ever seeing another person ever again. He just wanted to be alone. ...He wanted to get used to being alone.
They were some...less than healthy thoughts. And perhaps for that reason--and the realization that he never really would be all alone--Kureno got up and answered the door just before its third knock.
"...Yuugao." Well he hadn't been on his list of expectations. Was he here to beat him up again? Kureno wasn't sure he could trust that smile. "What're you doing here?"
"Kureno!" Yuugao almost chirped.
It wasn't hard to see just how much Kureno wanted him gone. But it wasn't going to work. Not today. Yuugao was determined to be Kureno's personal happiness plague.
"You hungry?" he asked, raising his eyebrows with the question. Food would be an excuse to get him out. If nothing else, Yuugao could pull on Kureno owing him dinner or something. And if food didn't work, then he could pull on Yuugao needing to talk to him. Or needing someone to keep him company tonight.
He would get Kureno out of this place so he could snap him out of this slump. Even if he had to drag him out. Though he really hoped it wouldn't come down to that.
"No, I just ate." Well, that had been over three hours ago, but that didn't make him hungry. Kureno didn't have anything personal against Yuugao, but he didn't have anything personal with him either. He was an acquaintance and comrade, not really a friend. ...Which made him more curious as to why the man was even here.
Yuugao leaned in a little closer and sniffed the air. There was a faint odor of something food-like, but it was far too faint for something recent. "What did you have? Rice cereal? I thought you ate better than that, Kureno." He smiled. "But you've got to be thirsty. C'mon, it can be on me if you like, or wait..." He thought for a moment and then waved a finger at Kureno. "I think you owe me a drink."
It was a pathetic way to force him out, but Yuugao wasn't about to give up so easily.
Kureno just arched any eyebrow up at him. "How do I owe you a drink?"
And therein came the problem with pathetic methods. Yuugao just put on a mock frown. "For being such a hermit. C'mon, it'll do you good. A little sake will warm us both right up and it'll give you a chance to hang out with yours truly."
He risked it and slung his arm over Kureno's shoulders. "I won't even make you pay for my food." He broadened his grin and kept his senses sharp in case Kureno took a swing at him.
Kureno did frown unpleasantly at Yuugao. Normally Kureno didn't tolerate physical contact well, especially the more friendly and intimate gestures, and especially with other men. Aki was an exception, because "normally" hardly had anything to do with Aki. He put up with this however, just because a part of him still felt indebted to Yuugao for being one of the people he left behind. Besides, Kureno was beginning to pick up that, like Aki, Yuugao was probably not going to be taking "no" for an answer tonight which made Kureno inwardly groan. He really didn't wish to go anywhere, but... Indebted. (Besides, maybe this would be better for him than just staring at Asuka's card all night and trying to decide if he would keep it or trash it. Or tear it, or burn it, or...)
"Fine," he relented at last and without a mask of politeness to cover up the unwillingness he was doing this with. "But I don't want to stay out long."
"Hey, no worries. It's a school night and I've got drills way too early tomorrow morning. It will loosen you up, if you let it." Yuugao softened his smile and relinquished his claim on Kureno's shoulders. He wasn't so foolish as to not see how little Kureno touched other men. And a person would have be blind not to see how begrudging Kureno was about the entire thing.
Yuugao led the way to the closest little restaurant and they got seats immediately. The handful of other patrons ignored the two men and Yuugao was glad for it. He ordered a plate of sushi and got a bottle of sake for the both of them. Even with his comments about Kureno paying for the drinks, he put them all on his bill. With the waitress finally gone, Yuugao poured a little sake for Kureno and pushed it over to him, pouring his own as he spoke.
"You seen Asuka yet?"
"Yes," was all Kureno supplied, downing the alcohol eagerly despite his protesting attitude to even come. He was here and it was no doubt because Yuugao wanted to talk to him about something. (It wasn't really going to be about Asuka though, was it? Maybe he would have been better off at home with the card.) There was no understanding that Kureno had to be agreeable or cooperative in the conversation though.
It was going to be a very long night. But at least he'd gotten Kureno out here. That was a start.
Yuugao looked up from his sake glass and kept a straight face. "You both look like hell. Wanna talk about it? Or would you rather continue to wallow in your depressing thoughts?"
Hell, it was going to be about Asuka, wasn't it. Kureno scowled at Yuugao over the lip of his cup.
"I'll just wallow, thanks," he replied with a dry civility.
And there was the scowl. At least he wouldn't have to dance around the subject as much. Yuugao never could do that quite as well as Kureno. He straightened up and set down the sake bottle, still not having touched his own cup. "For how long? Until you stop noticing that you're lonely? Or when you've lost yourself entirely? At your rate it may not even take two years, you've already gotten the solitude part down. You may even start to scare off Academy-brats with a glance in a couple months."
Yuugao tilted his head and narrowed his eyes at Kureno. "You might even make a passable drunkard. Though your taste in alcohol may have to get cheaper if you're gonna be able to afford your habit very long."
Kureno scoffed at that last idea, setting his empty cup down. Cheap or expensive, if Yuugao knew his constitution he'd know being a drunkard was something Kureno could never afford to be. But that wasn't the real issue here.
"So is this why you really dragged me out here? To lecture me? To council me?" He sighed, a tired but patient sound, and placed his arms on the table to to lean his weight on them. "Alright. Go ahead. You're not the first."
Great. He'd gotten cynical already. Cynics were always the harder ones to work with. Though at least Kureno wasn't completely despondent yet - those were the ones you just had to knock upside the head a few times to get them to really reply. At least he didn't have to force the smile anymore.
"I was planning on giving you council, yes, but more than anything I wanted to help you. I'm pretty sure everyone else who dragged you out of your place had the same intentions, even if they didn't display them the same way." Yuugao watched Kureno for a moment, hoping the best way to prod the man out of this slump would come to him. Nothing appeared immediately, so he continued with his original plan.
"You've had a lot of time to think about things, haven't you, Kureno?"
"You could say that." Scrubbing floors for most of the day wasn't exactly a task that required intelligence, leaving his mind to wander if he didn't watch it too carefully. And then there was all the time he had during the day that he had to do practically nothing except think. He really missed his paperwork. With that, he at least was able to keep his mind preoccupied with facts, numbers, and organization. But now...
Now he had people. Most of them friends or close acquaintances (like Yuugao) who were trying to help in their awkward, sincere, but nonetheless ignorant ways. It was...nice, or at least it would be nice if it weren't just becoming something of an annoyance. Everyone thought they knew better than him, or what was best. But none of them were in his shoes; none of them knew what he was really going through or how it effected who he was; none of them could really understand; none of them were him. He began to let them try to understand anyway, perhaps in hope that someone could if only to help them understand that they couldn't. That was the only reason that he let Yuugao keep talking tonight.
...The free sake didn't hurt either.
He had been preparing himself for this conversation for a while and still didn't feel ready. There were topics that Yuugao avoided for a good reason and yet...if it meant he could help Kureno with his experiences, then so be it. A little emotional pain was nothing new.
"Any thoughts in particular you want to share?" Yuugao gave Kureno another smile and waited for a reply. "You'd be surprised what some people can relate to."
That had Kureno raising another eyebrow. So Yuugao thought he could relate, huh? Granted, Kureno wasn't so close to the ANBU that he didn't know he couldn't relate, but Kureno didn't have a lot of faith in the chances. What the hell though. The sooner he made the man understand he couldn't get through, the more confident he could be he wouldn't be bothered by him anymore. ...He'd need more sake first. Alcohol was going to be good to have in his system for (and probably after) this chat.
"What is it you're trying to council me on specifically?" he asked, pouring himself another cup. (He'd thought about doing the polite thing and waiting for Yuugao to offer him more, but he was just a tad impatient right now.) "I can more easily share my thoughts if I knew where to begin."
"You're in a dark place right now. No one can deny that. If nothing else, I understand that particular circumstance. Anything beyond that, well, I'm willing to help you however you'll let me." He took a sip of his sake and looked down at it. The clear liquid shimmered in the dim restaurant lights and Yuugao nodded at the waitress as she dropped off his plate of sushi.
Yuugao knew he wanted to make Asuka happy - even if it meant he wasn't the one doing it - but was sure that Kureno would block out any advice he had about that unless he could gain some more trust first. So, he wouldn't mention that one so directly. Not yet.
"If rambling would be best for you, I'm all right with that, too." He looked over at Kureno, for a moment thinking back on the same man who had helped him finally get the nerve to talk to Hayako. "It's not like I don't do some of that myself."
"I don't ramble," Kureno stated factually, in a tone that essentially told Yuugao that he wasn't him either. But it seemed that was obvious enough that time didn't need to be dwelt on it. He downed his second cup of sake just as easily as the first, resting it back on the table with a thoughtful look on his face. So no suggestions on where to start, huh. Well that was alright, Yuugao had already dropped a pretty big hint earlier.
"If you're wondering about my not visiting Asuka, I just haven't felt like it." 'Don't want to see her.' "I'm pretty pissed off at her, so I'm backing off. ...And I plan to stay that way until I'm over it." '...over her.'
Well, it looked like he didn't need to mention Asuka directly at all. Though he had already brought her up before...that was likely it, then. "I don't want to get in the middle of your disagreement, but what changed between-" the mission to Oto-hell, you abandoning us, Asuka nearly dying "-you saving her life and now? It would have to be something pretty drastic since I thought you two were close before."
He paused and frowned. "Are you blaming her for your punishment from Hokage-sama?" If that was the case then...wow. Yuugao had a lot of work to do.
"No." A pause. Then in a quieter tone, "...I don't know." He refilled his cup again. "No one made me go after her. That's something I decided to do for myself. I know I decided that for myself and can't blame anyone for making me go. .....But if she hadn't gone... If she hadn't set it up..." He shook his head. "I just don't know what she was thinking." 'Though it seems clear what she wasn't thinking about.'
"As for what changed, well... Like you said. I've had a lot of time to think about things."
"And just how did you come to the conclusion that she wasn't worth having in your life?" Yuugao arched an eyebrow and sipped his sake. "If it was something she said, I don't doubt she's aching from a throwaway comment or two. I don't want to guilt you into seeing her again by saying she's looking miserable, but the fact that you both look miserable leaves me to wonder if you've got the same ailment."
He dipped one of the pieces of sushi in the soy sauce and popped the entire thing into his mouth. He chewed slowly, letting the sweet flavor fill his mouth before swallowing and keeping his eyes intently on Kureno.
The other man sat in a contemplative silence on his side of the table, sake cup raised to drink but instead was just being stared into as he got stuck thinking on one thing: ...How did he come to that conclusion? (He hadn't actually heard much of what Yuugao was talking about after that.)
It had just seemed like the obvious and most logical thing to do, hadn't it? After all, the only reason (the only real reason) Kureno had broken the law was because in the moment he left, he was more than aware that this had nothing to do with saving a comrade; it was about saving someone he cared for more than anyone else. Hell, since this whole thing, while never confirming it, neither had he argued anyone who accused him of being in love with her. But...if he was in love with her...and to the point he would neglect the village, then obviously it was a problem. One in need of immediate rectification.
This didn't mean she wasn't worth having in his life. He wouldn't have put it that way. However, she couldn't have the same significance to him anymore. He needed time to adjust to that change, to make it real. He also needed resolution. There was more to it than just his anger at her actions and his current situation, but that was his to deal with. ...Wasn't it?
Kureno put his cup down without drinking from it, still staring distantly into the liquid. But he didn't answer Yuugao.
Huh. Somehow he'd managed to silence Kureno. And from the expression on the other man's face, he was actually thinking about it. That was an accomplishment so far - he just had to make sure the conclusion was in favor of coming out of the slump instead of wallowing deeper. Yuugao waited for Kureno to finish working through his thoughts and reply, but it was quickly becoming apparent that either he had an awful lot to think about or he was stunned into silence. Or something like that.
He ate another piece of sushi, still watching Kureno closely. When there was still no response, Yuugao dared to speak up again, making sure his tone was the farthest thing from smug.
"Does this mean you're starting to rethink that conclusion?"
"No." He frowned. "That's not the conclusion I came to, I mean," he corrected. If Yuugao had doubt on that, he did well holding back on making it obvious, not that Kureno was looking up at him yet anyway.
"It's not that she's not worth having in my life. I just can't...have her as close. Not in the same way before all of this. It has to change."
Oh. So that was it. Yuugao felt a familiar twinge and looked down at the soy sauce on his plate. He had to do this, no matter to how it would bring up emotions he had since dealt with. "You can't risk feeling too much, can you?" Yuugao idly picked up his third piece of sushi and examined it languidly. "So you're just going to cut yourself off from the world, is that it? If you don't have that many connections then it won't hurt when they die or get hurt?"
He lifted his gaze and frowned a little. "Isn't that right, Kureno-sensei?"
That was...
Kureno raised his head, finally looking Yuugao back in the eye. More silence passed between them before words.
"...It's so I don't make the same mistake again."
"And instead make another one?" Yuugao quirked an eyebrow and continued to frown. "You can't make this mistake again, anyway, Kureno. Think about it - you can't do high level missions. You won't be able to desert a mission, period."
He was being a bit harsh and he knew it, but it was becoming apparent that Yuugao would need a firm hand to keep Kureno listening. So he let his ANBU captain persona slip in and felt himself take on a more imposing posture. Kureno may think he had it worse than anyone, but Yuugao was not about to let it affect him - not when he had seen the same dark places Kureno saw. Not when he knew the way back out and had a chance to pull Kureno out - kicking and screaming if he must.
It did suddenly become a little harder to block out Yuugao's advice when he began putting his authority behind it. (He even straightened up without thinking about it.) It was ingrained in him to respond to experience and rank, and right now, despite still holding the title of jounin, there was no doubt Yuugao had more command than him. ...Using it against him seemed like a cheap shot though.
"There are still chances I might be called to higher level missions; I'm not the first choice anymore but I'm not absolutely forbidden. If anything I could be put on a team again, not as leader of course, but...there is a chance." His steeled gaze didn't break away from Yuugao. "I've promised myself to be ready for it."
Apparently he'd heard wrong then. Yuugao didn't let this news break his gaze or stance, though. Kureno meeting him head on meant that he certainly couldn't back down now. "And being ready for it means you deny yourself emotions? It's not like Asuka goes running to her death every mission - in fact, I'd bet that she'd be far more careful in missions if she had someone to come home for." He narrowed his eyes and took a slow breath, keeping back the hasty or foolish comments that kept coming to mind.
"How do you know that you're not just cutting yourself out of something wonderful?"
Cutting out of something wonderful? How over-dramatic did that sound. He knew people thought that way about Asuka and him, but that may have been the first time he heard someone say it out loud and to his face. It sounded just as cheesy and over-romanticized as Kureno would have expected it to.
...So why did it make him pause for a second or five to wonder?
"Emotions just get in the way." He picked up his sake again, fitting in another sentence before downing it in one go again. "Ninja are supposed to work without them anyway."
Yuugao decided to let the romantic implications alone for a moment and instead focused on something that would hopefully convince Kureno.
"There are lots of things we're supposed to do, including keeping ourselves well balanced. Emotions only get in the way when you can't control them," Yuugao said, his tone darkening and his eyes narrowing dangerously. "And you, Kureno, are not a balanced tool. How well can you serve Konoha now?"
The cup came back down on the table. Hard. The other dishes rattled briefly, startling a passing server who took one look at the foul glare Kureno was giving the man across from him and decided any problems they were having didn't have anything to do with the food or service and quickly moved along.
"You think I'm not aware of that?" he hissed, head tucked between his shoulders like a cat arching its back; like a warning. "You think I haven't been kicking myself over that fact for the past few months? That it hasn't been virtually the only thing on my mind since I got out? That I don't care?! Because yeah, Yuugao, I really haven't minded how this mistake has practically ruined my life."
The rattling dishes didn't startle Yuugao. He had been waiting for Kureno to get mad for a while and when it finally came, he was ready.
"Ruined your life? It's only been a few months, Kureno." He recognized the warning in the man's posture and tone and willingly held his ground. "All things considered your life is still pretty comfortable." He narrowed his eyes dangerously and let just the barest tip of his emotion come through. "If only you'd open your eyes past the gloom and see it."
"See what?! The pleasant realm of eternal mediocrity I've reached? I know I haven't lost everything, Yuugao, but you know what? A part of me almost wishes I had. Then at the very least there would be room to make things better, to improve my life. I could at least focus on something, work toward something." His hand loosened from around his cup, red eyes turning to glower at that instead. "But I haven't lost all that much. Just everything I once worked so hard for.
"It may only have been a few months, but it's been a few months to adjust to the new existence that's to be my life." Kureno's voice returned to a conversational volume but there was an unmistakable disdain lingering heavily in it. "This isn't a punishment that's going to go away after a few months, or a year, or two. It's meant to last until I've taken my last breath. This is something that's going to effect how I live for as long as I live." He lifted his gaze without raising his head. "I don't know if you can fully understand that, but don't worry. I don't expect you to."
Yuugao had brought Kureno here with every intention of being nice. And being civil. But there was a limit to everyone - and Kureno had found the soft spot. A part of him was ready to leap to the reaction that would have Kureno on the floor in a death grip - the same reaction that had gotten his teammates to never mention Hayako after her death. But he'd grown beyond that and instead took on a sneer and a chilling tone.
"I wouldn't understand, would I? I have no experience with loss? None?" Yuugao scoffed. "Have you gotten so selfish that you forgot about her? That you forgot about me slinking around like a ghost and sitting stone-still on your couch? That those three years of my life never happened?"
He took a few slow breathes and sat back, his sneer darkening even more. "You selfish, self-wallowing idiot. Sure, your career is gone. But you know what? You still have something I would kill to have."
Yuugao enunciated the last three words with every bit of envy and disgust he could manage.
"She's. Still. Alive."
The absolute venom in Yuugao's voice startled Kureno who just barely managed to keep from shrinking in his seat. He knew the other man was capable of speaking like that, he just didn't know he was capable of speaking like that to him. That voice spoke to Kureno even deeper than his actual words did, although the combination is what broke through his sheltering stubbornness. Because Yuugao was right. He was right.
And Kureno really didn't want him to be.
The thought of Asuka dying had put a fire and a panic in him that had moved him to do the unthinkable; to do everything and anything he had to in order to save her. It hadn't mattered then how she got herself into such a mess, or that he would be coming back home to consequences that could leave his life changed forever. All that had mattered that day--and for an entire day--was Asuka and keeping her alive for however many more tomorrows he could get her.
But now, time had turned it stale. The rush and clarity of his f-feelings for her had dimmed somehow in that time he spent alone in the dark, no comforting voice or smile to thank him or assure him that despite everything he'd done and risked it had still been a good choice. There had only been blackness and silence filled with condemnation and the echoing voices of ghostly mentors and his own guilty conscience and logic that couldn't rationalize one life being worth three--no matter how much it meant to him. It had started consuming him then and only devoured more as answers to questions reached him. One life for three was unpardonable; one life, who had put themselves in Death's way, for three innocents who had not..?
What had he done? And then to find one of his few true friends had been pulled into his place, taking upon herself his dangers and responsibilities... What had he been thinking?
In that single day he learned that Asuka meant the world to him. And in every day since, he hadn't been able to justify it. He was wrong. He. Was. Wrong. And that meant Yuugao couldn't be right.
......But...Yuugao was right. How could that be?
Unable to speak and unable to look away, Kureno looked to Yuugao to continue, even dared him to--because he wanted to hear if he had an answer.
Yuugao's arms had started to shake and he fought to keep them still, the disgusted expression still evident as he took deep breathes to calm himself. He was done mourning Hayako, he'd reassured himself of that time and time again. But he still missed her and he knew that he always would. He just had to find a proper way to honor her memory. And if that meant he stopped Kureno from screwing up what he had, then so be it.
No one had pushed him this far in years and it was...strangely like deja vu. Though the control he was maintaining encouraged him; before he'd become vicious and it took at least two of his teammates to keep him from running off to Orochimayu or the Suna-nin who'd done the deed by himself.
"Asuka's still alive, Kureno. As much as I wish and hope and pray, Hayako is never coming back. " Yuugao swallowed hard and held the other man's gaze. "You have that privilege. Sure, she's pissed at you and you're stuck cleaning floors at the Academy, but you've still got a chance. I can't even count the times I almost snuck out on a suicide mission to get them back. But it wouldn't have done me any good. I almost-" Yuugao's voice softened and he lowered his gaze to the table, clenching his hands into fists. "I almost envy that you got the chance to save Asuka. I was never given that chance. She just went to work one day and then all that was left was her body.
"Being a ninja means the job is your life, but something we overlook is how much people can actually mean to us. Yes, utter loyalty is our life and duty. But your soul can long for something else. And there's no way you didn't feel that, Kureno. Not if you did something so unlike you and deserted us all for her." Yuugao shook his head, a bitter smile coming across his lips. "I was outraged before at being left behind, but after seeing both of you suffering like this...it makes me ache more. It brings back all of the dark thoughts and days and weeks and months of my life where I just couldn't function. Where all that mattered was making sure I knew just how miserable I could feel and remember how I'd failed her. How her killers were still out there..."
He leaned his head back and stared at the ceiling for a moment before leaning forward and resting his forearms on the table, meeting Kureno's eyes squarely. "I refuse to stand by and see you destroy yourself and something that I ache to have back. I've been to the dark places you have for longer and for something that wrenched my soul. I've explored all those avenues and know them better than you do. So don't you dare say I don't understand, Kureno." The venomous tone had trickled back into Yuugao's words and he hardened his gaze. "I won't be so forgiving in the future." And if you don't make her happy, then maybe someone else will take your place and let you wallow. Yuugao held his challenging stance and hoped it would never come to that.
......And what could Kureno say to that? Where were his arguments, his defenses? Not everything had sounded rational, but it hadn't sounded idiotic either. There weren't really any holes in Yuugao's statement--none that weren't too reverent and sacred to be twisted around anyway. So what could he say? What earthly right did he have to say anything back to that except maybe...
"I'm sorry."
But that's not really who Yuugao wanted him to apologize to, was it.
Sake cup turned upside-down, Kureno stood and pulled a few bills from his pocket and left them on the table. "Thank you for the drinks. Goodnight."
Yuugao's expression softened at Kureno's whisper and he closed his eyes. Two little words he had heard too often, said too often, and only made him internally flinch. "Sit down," he reached out and gently curled his fingers into the sleeve of Kureno's jacket.
"You don't need to leave." Yuugao looked up at Kureno and smiled, not bothering to hide the emotional exhaustion that was settling in. It was going to be a long night even if Kureno left and he wasn't so sure either of them should be alone right now. Yuugao certainly knew that he didn't want to be alone.
Unfortunately, alone is all Kureno wanted to be and Yuugao's wishes had little effect on changing his mind. So he didn't move to sit back down, though he didn't flinch or snatch his sleeve back either. He just became...still.
"I'm not angry." He finally turned to look the other man in the face. "That's not why I'm leaving. You didn't say anything offensive or wrong. Quite the opposite. ...Which is why I need to go." His eyes lifted toward the door and his voice grew even quieter.
"I have to figure out a few things."
"I see," Yuugao's eyes dropped to the floor as Kureno looked away and he let his hand slip free of Kureno's sleeve. It fell to the side of the table and hung limply there. Yuugao could understand wanting to be alone, that the other man needed time to sort things out. But it still didn't mean that he wanted to be alone.
He just felt...tired. And with the subjects he'd stirred up, well, he'd need to find some place where people were. People who would smile, keep him company, and not question his sudden somber mood. Unfortunately, no one came to mind immediately. Which might mean he'd end up all alone on the couch...sitting in the dark and fighting back the demons again. Or be ready for drills the next morning eight hours early, and just watch the sun rise at headquarters.
At least it was worth it, right? For Kureno's sake.
"Good luck," he said at last, not bothering to try and hide how his own mood had dropped. It had to be worth it. Didn't it?