Return of the Vampire, Chapter One: In Which I Prove I Can Write Badly!

[naamah_darling]

Sargon and I went to the annual writers' meeting and Christmas fling on Saturday, toting along for-real homemade cookies. There we gathered for the ritual dirty-santa gift exchange. I feel very merry now, actually. We stole Buffy Season 7, and managed to keep hold of it. I am a happy panda. And I got hold of a Frank Frazetta calendar, too,

Comments

[glambat]

My stomach hurts from trying to keep the laughter in (I am at work, you see.) But you made me laugh out loud! The following are responsible for my coworkers new impression that I am insane:

"the BloodHunger was on her like a hunching black marmoset"

"But it was not a paring knife! It was a sword!"

"Like his prey, he felt no fear or mercy, but unlike his prey, which is to say Elisabetha, he had been trained by this secret sect of British recluses to do battle with the forces of Darkness. Forces like Elisabetha."

[bsquad]

It takes real talent to write something that genuinely godawful. My hat is off to both of you.

[wizwom]

This reminds me of the WorldCon "It came from the Slushpile" panel...

[shadowflyer]

Aaaagh! The spork! Where's the spork, wench!?!

aaaaaaaaahhhhh...that feels better. Like I just fucked Jocasta.

You're evil. You're wrong. You have no soul. I want to have your babies.

[siamesegoth2]

Oh good gods im going wake everyone up, i love this bit. XD

'I will never forget last night. We were meant to be together, my true-love,' he whispered, unaware that her shiney ivory fangs were inches from his pulsating throat, and the BloodHunger was on her like a hunching black marmoset, pulling her hair and urging her to drink deeply from him. 'Our souls are one soul, on one journey,' he whispered, his sensitive lips so close to her ear that his manly five?o'clock (a.m.) shadow razzled her cheek. 'I have returned to you across oceans of time!'

'Oh, shut up, you little tosser,' she said, and bit him.

A spurting fountain of hot blood pulsed into her mouth and he twitched in her lusting embrace. She would only take a little . . . she wanted him able to perform, and he still had to make it out of the flat (by which you can tell they were in Britain and not, for instance, New York).