Toward a Childfree Identity

[naamah_darling]

A friend, who has asked to remain anonymous for fear of leg-biting, poses a question about being childfree. It's a legitimate one that I have been asked before, but never seen answered. (And no, dear anonymous reader, I don't find the question offensive. I'm actually glad you asked.)

"I've been wondering why it's necessary to have the label.

Comments

[gwendally]

You know why older women tut tut and dismiss your choice and say, "you'll want kids someday" or "when you meet the right man" or "you'll be lonely"? It's because it's quite often true. Not all the time true, not necessarily true for YOU, but true often enough that you're warned not to make absolute statements. Because you're sure going to feel silly when you're 38 and suddenly desire, with all your body and soul, to make the commitment to raising your own child. It happens often enough so that it's a cliche

[ms_daisy_cutter]

Can I point out that the women who are participating in the fora are the ones who have NOT changed their minds? Sort of a self-selected bunch, wouldn't you say?

How does said self-selection disprove the fact that, by their very existence, they refute the idea that not all women change their minds?

But I think it's pretty silly of you to suggest that BIOLOGICAL impulses aren't one of those pressures.

I don't have those biological impulses. I never did. Neither have many other women. Quite a few have gotten pregnant. They reacted with horror and called Planned Parenthood immediately. You're still assuming that baby rabies, even if only caused by hormones, is part and parcel of every woman's experience. It's not.

And then there are women who do experience something like it - out of a fleeting moment of stress, or perhaps hormonal problems of some sort - and they seek out the support of other CF folks to overcome it, in the manner of alcoholics calling their AA sponsors when they feel the urge to drink, because they realize that their

[bitis_gabonica]

I don't have those biological impulses. I never did. Neither have many other women. Quite a few have gotten pregnant. They reacted with horror and called Planned Parenthood immediately. You're still assuming that baby rabies, even if only caused by hormones, is part and parcel of every woman's experience. It's not.

Wordy McWord.

[gwendally]

Oh, I believe you. Not every woman wants children, and even ones that want children EVENTUALLY don't necessarily want THIS child NOW

[bitis_gabonica]

LOL, "when"? I'm female to male transsexual, so I've got all the wrong hormones and will soon be missing a few essential parts to have that be a "when."

Unless and until someone is strapping you down and impregnating you, though, you don't really have to feel persecuted by this sentiment.
May as well be when women are prevented from getting their birth control, prevented from having abortions, and so on. So yeah, sentiments like that can be dangerous to some folks when they're the same sentiments of the people in power.

Not all of us are slaves to our hormones. Part of the nifty thing about being human, you know, being able to use our brain to override illogical hormonal impulses that may or may not exist in all individuals. Choice and all that.

[gwendally]

I shouldn't have said "when it happens to you"; I meant "when you happen to find yourself in that situation." Or better yet, "if it happens to you."

But I got a chuckle: is a FTM transsexual really trying to argue that people don't change? And, for that matter, that you're persecuted for being CHILDFREE (as if ignorant people couldn't find something ELSE to persecute you for?) And you're about to undergo surgery while arguing that hormones don't make you do things?

[bitis_gabonica]

Yeah, I am arguing that- it's been a situation I've found myself in since I can remember. Surgery was in the picture before hormones. Part of that nifty psych regimen I've had to go through for years. So don't try that stuff with me, either. So don't try to invalidate my argument because I'm a lowly tranny, please.

By the way, I never mentioned being persecuted for being CF. I don't think we're the only ones trying to read between the lines...

[naamah_darling]

Considering that the other things people get shit for don't come up in conversation for me as often as not having kids, or do not apply to me to begin with, no, most ignorant fucks can't come up with anything else.

My lifestyle as a bisexual atheist pervert who writes porn for a living and sleeps in the nude comes up surprisingly little. The lack of children at my hip, on the other hand, is pretty noteable. "Do you have kids?" is in the top three things people ask you when they are making small talk with you for the first time. "Who do you like to fuck?" is not very common. And even here in Bible country, you don't get "What kind of Christian are you?" Not often, anyway. And if you're a woman out here, what do you do for a living?" doesn't come up all that much. Appalling.

So, yeah, it comes up, and people won't let go of it, and if you try to weasel around it or stonewall you, they will pin you down and pester you until you say something they can latch on to.

[gwendally]

"Do you have kids?" is in the top three things people ask you when they are making small talk with you for the first time.

And it's your goal to STOP that because it's rude, uncivil, and disrespectful to your lifestyle?

Are you HEARING yourself?

Why not just say, "No. Cold out, isn't it?"

[boundfate]

Because no one ever listens to it. Because we are talking about babies instead of houses women think it is magically o.k. to say "you'll change your mind" like it is polite. well, it isn't. It is condescending

[gwendally]

It isn't supportive, it isn't helpful, it isn't being wise. It is being a fucking jackass.

I believe that people in GENERAL are unsupportive, unwise, unhelpful jackasses.

That being as it is, what now?

I guess I'm arguing that you can't get too riled up about people handing you trite common "wisdom" tritely and commonly. People just do that. Shrug and do what you're going to do. Trying to get EVERYONE ELSE to respond to your Hearts True Contents is a fool's errand.

[boundfate]

Why would you contribute to it though? The excuse "everyone is doing it!" got tired in 3rd grade - haven't you grown past it yet?

The world is a better place when people are nice to each other. So how about instead of hiding behind the fact that there will always be someone who doesn't care about the people around them you buck up and be an example to those around you who might be watching? You can't control what other people do, but now that you have been enlightened as to what a total douche you are sounding like you can decide never to do it to others and to speak out when you hear those around you acting like jerks?

If I was with a friend who grabbed a bottle of coke and poured it on people I would be mortified and yell at them. If they didn't stop pouring coke on people I would quit being associated with them. Would you tolerate your friends pouring coke on random strangers? And if not, why would you put up with them questioning others life choices?

[gwendally]

I don't contribute to it. I've never in my life responded to someone's assertion that they don't want kids with, "maybe you'll change your mind." My post was about understanding WHY they'd say that and living in a world without rancor. People have opinions. Accept it, deal with it, live with it, move on.

You aren't going to change people. You can try to UNDERSTAND them, though. But you only get to change yourself.

If you're unhappy, livid, enraged, terribly hurt, aggrieved when someone says, "You might change your mind" then YOU'RE the one with the problem, not the person who made a casual comment.

[boundfate]

"If you're unhappy, livid, enraged, terribly hurt, aggrieved when someone says, "You might change your mind" then YOU'RE the one with the problem, not the person who made a casual comment."

This says to me that you don't get it at all. How is it my problem to expect manners from people? I wish more people expected them and corrected people when they were rude. I pray to god that I am never one of those people who thinks it is wrong to expect manners from others.

The "you will never change people" is another tired lie told to people so they can rationalize taking the easy way out. We change others every day with every action.

[gwendally]

Okay, good luck with that.

[boundfate]

*shakes her head in sadness* It is so easy to be apathetic and think yourself powerless. Most humans greatest fear is that they are actually powerful.