Toward a Childfree Identity

[naamah_darling]

A friend, who has asked to remain anonymous for fear of leg-biting, poses a question about being childfree. It's a legitimate one that I have been asked before, but never seen answered. (And no, dear anonymous reader, I don't find the question offensive. I'm actually glad you asked.)

"I've been wondering why it's necessary to have the label.

Comments

[gwendally]

Oh, I believe you. Not every woman wants children, and even ones that want children EVENTUALLY don't necessarily want THIS child NOW.

But here's the thing: it's not UNCOMMON that a woman will find herself pregnant and decide to go through with the pregnancy. Not uncommon at all. And you'd be surprised how you react when it happens to you, because the reaction is surprising. Maybe you'd abort, maybe you wouldn't. Maybe you're sure you know what you do, but that doesn't mean you DO know what you'd do. (FWIW, I don't know what you'd specifically do, either. Not trying to imply that I do.)

It's just that, well, life is surprising sometimes. And people change. It's true enough in general that it comes up a lot in conversation.

Unless and until someone is strapping you down and impregnating you, though, you don't really have to feel persecuted by this sentiment. Fine, whatever. You are not harmed by me not being as sure as you are what you'd do if you got caught pregnant. My opinion doesn't matter, doesn't affect you, doesn't harm you.

[bitis_gabonica]

LOL, "when"? I'm female to male transsexual, so I've got all the wrong hormones and will soon be missing a few essential parts to have that be a "when."

Unless and until someone is strapping you down and impregnating you, though, you don't really have to feel persecuted by this sentiment.
May as well be when women are prevented from getting their birth control, prevented from having abortions, and so on. So yeah, sentiments like that can be dangerous to some folks when they're the same sentiments of the people in power.

Not all of us are slaves to our hormones. Part of the nifty thing about being human, you know, being able to use our brain to override illogical hormonal impulses that may or may not exist in all individuals. Choice and all that.

[gwendally]

I shouldn't have said "when it happens to you"; I meant "when you happen to find yourself in that situation." Or better yet, "if it happens to you."

But I got a chuckle: is a FTM transsexual really trying to argue that people don't change? And, for that matter, that you're persecuted for being CHILDFREE (as if ignorant people couldn't find something ELSE to persecute you for?) And you're about to undergo surgery while arguing that hormones don't make you do things?

[bitis_gabonica]

Yeah, I am arguing that- it's been a situation I've found myself in since I can remember. Surgery was in the picture before hormones. Part of that nifty psych regimen I've had to go through for years. So don't try that stuff with me, either. So don't try to invalidate my argument because I'm a lowly tranny, please.

By the way, I never mentioned being persecuted for being CF. I don't think we're the only ones trying to read between the lines...

[naamah_darling]

Considering that the other things people get shit for don't come up in conversation for me as often as not having kids, or do not apply to me to begin with, no, most ignorant fucks can't come up with anything else.

My lifestyle as a bisexual atheist pervert who writes porn for a living and sleeps in the nude comes up surprisingly little. The lack of children at my hip, on the other hand, is pretty noteable. "Do you have kids?" is in the top three things people ask you when they are making small talk with you for the first time. "Who do you like to fuck?" is not very common. And even here in Bible country, you don't get "What kind of Christian are you?" Not often, anyway. And if you're a woman out here, what do you do for a living?" doesn't come up all that much. Appalling.

So, yeah, it comes up, and people won't let go of it, and if you try to weasel around it or stonewall you, they will pin you down and pester you until you say something they can latch on to.

[gwendally]

"Do you have kids?" is in the top three things people ask you when they are making small talk with you for the first time.

And it's your goal to STOP that because it's rude, uncivil, and disrespectful to your lifestyle?

Are you HEARING yourself?

Why not just say, "No. Cold out, isn't it?"

[boundfate]

Because no one ever listens to it. Because we are talking about babies instead of houses women think it is magically o.k. to say "you'll change your mind" like it is polite. well, it isn't. It is condescending.

It.is.wrong.to.dismiss.someone.elses.life.choices. The end.

This is true if your friend comes home and says "I'm going to OSU as a college!" No one says "Are you sure? You may change your mind." It is wrong when an adult says they are going into nursing. It is wrong when I say that I've finally found a house I want to buy. It is wrong to tell someone when they announce their engagement that they can never be sure - that they may leave this path. All of that is wrong and accepted as such - you are an asshole if you tell a bride to be that her marriage will probably fair no matter how statistically right it is.

So why do you expect us not to be offended when we say "Oh, I don't want children" and someone 3 years my elder says "Oh honey, you'll change your mind. Just wait until your hormones kick - you are a slave to hormones." And then if I protest they continue telling me why my chosen path of life is obviously shit - after all who will care for me and how will I ever keep a man?

I don't tolerate people around me telling me that I don't know what I want when I say I'm going into psychology. I certainly don't allow those around me to question my decision to make another human being dependent on me for 18 bloody years. It isn't supportive, it isn't helpful, it isn't being wise. It is being a fucking jackass.

[gwendally]

It isn't supportive, it isn't helpful, it isn't being wise. It is being a fucking jackass.

I believe that people in GENERAL are unsupportive, unwise, unhelpful jackasses.

That being as it is, what now?

I guess I'm arguing that you can't get too riled up about people handing you trite common "wisdom" tritely and commonly. People just do that. Shrug and do what you're going to do. Trying to get EVERYONE ELSE to respond to your Hearts True Contents is a fool's errand.

[boundfate]

Why would you contribute to it though? The excuse "everyone is doing it!" got tired in 3rd grade - haven't you grown past it yet?

The world is a better place when people are nice to each other. So how about instead of hiding behind the fact that there will always be someone who doesn't care about the people around them you buck up and be an example to those around you who might be watching? You can't control what other people do, but now that you have been enlightened as to what a total douche you are sounding like you can decide never to do it to others and to speak out when you hear those around you acting like jerks?

If I was with a friend who grabbed a bottle of coke and poured it on people I would be mortified and yell at them. If they didn't stop pouring coke on people I would quit being associated with them. Would you tolerate your friends pouring coke on random strangers? And if not, why would you put up with them questioning others life choices?

[gwendally]

I don't contribute to it. I've never in my life responded to someone's assertion that they don't want kids with, "maybe you'll change your mind." My post was about understanding WHY they'd say that and living in a world without rancor. People have opinions. Accept it, deal with it, live with it, move on.

You aren't going to change people. You can try to UNDERSTAND them, though. But you only get to change yourself.

If you're unhappy, livid, enraged, terribly hurt, aggrieved when someone says, "You might change your mind" then YOU'RE the one with the problem, not the person who made a casual comment.

[boundfate]

"If you're unhappy, livid, enraged, terribly hurt, aggrieved when someone says, "You might change your mind" then YOU'RE the one with the problem, not the person who made a casual comment."

This says to me that you don't get it at all. How is it my problem to expect manners from people? I wish more people expected them and corrected people when they were rude. I pray to god that I am never one of those people who thinks it is wrong to expect manners from others.

The "you will never change people" is another tired lie told to people so they can rationalize taking the easy way out. We change others every day with every action.

[gwendally]

Okay, good luck with that.

[boundfate]

*shakes her head in sadness* It is so easy to be apathetic and think yourself powerless. Most humans greatest fear is that they are actually powerful.

[ms_daisy_cutter]

She chooses not to see it differently because it means she'd have to start with changing her own behavior. Besides, "Everyone does it" is a great rationale for "I want to do it, even though I know it's wrong."

[naamah_darling]

Besides, "Everyone does it" is a great rationale for "I want to do it, even though I know it's wrong."

I know that's how I justify all kinds of entertainingly awful shit I do.

Just sayin'.

What behavior shall I change?

[gwendally]

What I'm accused of doing wrong is being cruel, condescending, judgmental and rude. I agree. I don't particularly regret it, though, because of the context. Naamah_darling isn't socially saying, "Let my people go!", she's saying, "Here's what I want to get." I'm talking about how she can get it. What stumbling blocks there are.

Yes, it's rude to tell people things they don't want to hear. Absolutely. And as many people have pointed out, it's condescending to speak from On High. But I have a perspective that hardly anyone else seems to share so I'm keeping the dialogue going because I think frank challenging is the WAY to move this forward.

Please explain, what behavior precisely of mine do you wish that I would change? I'll listen if you want to be specific. If you just want to tell me not to be an asshole then I think I'm done with you.