Comments | mystcphoenxcafe: First Reading Copy - Have Cane, Won't Travel

mystcphoenxcafe

First Reading Copy - Have Cane, Won't Travel - PG-13

Sep 28, 2007 22:25

Greetings!

Have at it, if you would! :-) Not entirely sure where this came from, although I have an inkling. In any case, the first part ordered itself written down Thursday, and Friday the rest grabbed me by the throat and wouldn't let me go until I'd finished it.

Warnings: Spoiler for S3-17 "Fetal Postion", possible spoilage for misc. bits of ( Read more... )

first-reading-copy, fan-fic, house

Comments 8

pwcorgigirl October 3 2007, 23:28:19 UTC

This is a lovely little episode ender piece, and it needed very little touching up. I added one or two words, but most of it is unchanged. Suggestions, as usual, are below the paragraph to which they refer ( ... )

pwcorgigirl October 3 2007, 23:30:54 UTC

*reposting to fix smooshed paragraphs ( ... )

mystcphoenxcafe October 24 2007, 04:16:47 UTC

Greetings!

Thank'ee's again for doing this. RL had called me away for a bit, which helps with the objective eye, at least. :-D

There is one place that is still driving me nuts, however.

"“I’m done trying to pretend I’m other than what I am.” He gazed at her with eyes like icy flint. “And I’m done allowing others to try to make me other than what I am.” She had the grace to look away as he continued implacably. “I’m a cripple, I’m in pain, and I refuse to pretend any longer that my life is ever going to bear any resemblance to what it used to be.”"

You are quite correct - 'done' is my word from my rant, not House's from his. However, 'through' doesn't quite fit either, which was your suggestion. Do you have a suggestion for a third option??? I've been trying to think of one off and on ever since reading your comment, and I've had absolutely no good luck with it so far. If that would just let itself be solved, I could post this puppy.

*sigh*

-Katrina

pwcorgigirl October 24 2007, 12:15:25 UTC

Well, "finished" is the only other one-word option I can think of. I can see how you'd want to use the same word each time, as the repetition drives home the seriousness of House's intent, but that may not work with either "through" or "finished." Hmmmh. Here's your original word with a slight rewrite:

"I’m done trying to pretend I’m other than what I am.” He gazed at her with eyes like icy flint. “That's over. And so is allowing anyone else try to make me what I'm not.” She had the grace to look away as he continued implacably. “I’m a cripple, I’m in pain, and I refuse to pretend any longer that my life is ever going to bear any resemblance to what it used to be.”

mystcphoenxcafe October 24 2007, 17:03:14 UTC

Greetings!

Yes, yes, yes!!! I believe we finally have a winner!!! *authorial happy dance* I like the rewrite. It keeps the power and the punch while ditching the unwanted words. (I can even use the 'through' now w/o it being tongue-tripping. I paid attention to that b/f, but even more so now after reading HL's opinion of dialog in his afterword to 'The Gun Seller'.)

Thank you SO much!!!
-Katrina

Thread 5

gracilejenn October 7 2007, 04:39:54 UTC

I added you today. I'm sorry it took so long. Yours is the first House fic I've ever read. I like it!

mystcphoenxcafe October 8 2007, 05:28:07 UTC

Greetings!

Thank'ee's! No prob - I just saw your icon and had to check out your LJ! :-D

Yours is the first House fic I've ever read.
Thank you! I'm honored. :-) And thank'ee's also for the compliment! :-) Since you like my work, you also might want to try reading pwcorgigirl and namasteyoga. They are both excellent writers who have wonderful tales to tell.

-Katrina