First Reading Copy - Have Cane, Won't Travel - PG-13
Greetings!
Have at it, if you would! :-) Not entirely sure where this came from, although I have an inkling. In any case, the first part ordered itself written down Thursday, and Friday the rest grabbed me by the throat and wouldn't let me go until I'd finished it.
Warnings: Spoiler for S3-17 "Fetal Postion", possible spoilage for misc. bits of ( Read more... )
On to part two:
“Because this is what I am now.” He gestured to the apartment, filled with memories and music, intensely personal and yet holding a prison-like escape.
He could see Cuddy finally understanding, the expression on her face changing from one of concern and curiosity to one of compassion. He pressed on. “An outsider, looking in. I don’t care,” he added hastily, although he was forced to admit to himself that he wasn’t sure exactly who he was intending to reassure - her or him. “There’s freedom in that.”
“And loneliness,” she added. He glanced at her again, saw her staring off into the distance, speaking as much to herself as to him.
“Yes.” He nodded agreement in that way he had, that slow movement that was somewhere between nod and bow. “But if that’s the price I have to pay for freedom, I’m okay with that.”
(“in that way he had” is almost a change of point of view. Try “He nodded in agreement, the slow movement falling somewhere between a nod and a bow.” Next sentence: “ok” and “OK” are not standard English. Use “okay” instead.)
“But how…” She gestured at the television again.
(Lots of gesturing for one short conversation. Try “She pointed at the television, and the motion and her lingering pause drew out her meaning.”)
“I’m done trying to pretend I’m other than what I am.” He gazed at her with eyes like icy flint. “And I’m done allowing others to try to make me other than what I am.” She had the grace to look away as he continued implacably. “I’m a cripple, I’m in pain, and I refuse to pretend any longer that my life is ever going to bear any resemblance to what it used to be.”
(“I’m done” sounds slightly off for House. Try it with “through” instead. Sometimes it helps to say dialogue aloud. It helps the writer gain a sense of the cadence of the character’s speech.)
“It doesn’t have to be that way.”
He shook his head again. “I think it does.”
“But you’re not free.”
“No. I’m not.”
And with that contradiction, he fell silent. For once, she knew better than to push. He’d said all he was going to say, and for once, she was content to be satisfied with that. At least for now. He sighed quietly in relief.
“What on Earth…?” She pointed at the screen, allowing herself to be pulled away from the here-and-now into Farnsworth’s looking-glass.
(What does Cuddy see? Since it cuts short such a deeply personal conversation, you might want to bring that out.)
The conversation drifted away to other things, of tombs and travels, of cabbages and kings, and while it might not have been what Cuddy had intended with her gift, still, it was travel all the same.
The kicker phrase you want to end on is somewhat undercut by coming at the end of that long sentence. Try breaking it like this: “Their conversation drifted away to other things, of tombs and travel, of cabbages and kings. While it might not have been what Cuddy intended with her gift, still, it was travel all the same. “)
And we're done!
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Thank'ee's again for doing this. RL had called me away for a bit, which helps with the objective eye, at least. :-D
There is one place that is still driving me nuts, however.
"“I’m done trying to pretend I’m other than what I am.” He gazed at her with eyes like icy flint. “And I’m done allowing others to try to make me other than what I am.” She had the grace to look away as he continued implacably. “I’m a cripple, I’m in pain, and I refuse to pretend any longer that my life is ever going to bear any resemblance to what it used to be.”"
You are quite correct - 'done' is my word from my rant, not House's from his. However, 'through' doesn't quite fit either, which was your suggestion. Do you have a suggestion for a third option??? I've been trying to think of one off and on ever since reading your comment, and I've had absolutely no good luck with it so far. If that would just let itself be solved, I could post this puppy.
*sigh*
-Katrina
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"I’m done trying to pretend I’m other than what I am.” He gazed at her with eyes like icy flint. “That's over. And so is allowing anyone else try to make me what I'm not.” She had the grace to look away as he continued implacably. “I’m a cripple, I’m in pain, and I refuse to pretend any longer that my life is ever going to bear any resemblance to what it used to be.”
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Yes, yes, yes!!! I believe we finally have a winner!!! *authorial happy dance* I like the rewrite. It keeps the power and the punch while ditching the unwanted words. (I can even use the 'through' now w/o it being tongue-tripping. I paid attention to that b/f, but even more so now after reading HL's opinion of dialog in his afterword to 'The Gun Seller'.)
Thank you SO much!!!
-Katrina
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Oh, by the way, did you see the results of the happy prompt you gave me? It's called Variations on Three Chords.
I really need to find a new copy of The Gunseller so I can read HL's commentary. (My copy's a recycled library edition from when it was first published.)
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