LJ Idol Season 10, Week 4
I don't handle change well. I moved a lot as a kid, and change was a constant. I always hated it, when nothing stayed the same and I was never given the chance to get comfortable. Now, as an adult, I'm finally comfortable where I am and I'm hesitant to make any changes.
But I need to make changes.
My job is not secure. It's actually about as far from secure as it can be. I've been here since 2008 and I've survived 4 bankruptcies and the dismantling of my entire department (where I was the only survivor). Every wrench they throw at me, I dodge. It's made me feel good about myself. It's made me believe that I'm a competent person, someone who isn't a failure. I survived when others didn't! I'm still here when so many around me have lost their jobs! Clearly I am doing something right!
But I'm not doing something right. I'm staying in this dead-end, low-paying job that keeps throwing me punches every six months or so. I need to get out. I need to stop ignoring all the warning signs. I need to not be forced out.
We all just received a standard "Y'all wanna take the Buyout Program option? Because many of you are about to be canned" letter that was said in a much more professional manner but basically boiled down to "Shit's about to get real".
This is the third such letter I've received in the last two years. I survived the others, and honestly, unless this company is completely shutting down (which I'm 99% sure it isn't), I'll likely survive this one, too. Though, naturally, nothing is guaranteed. The ice I'm skating on keeps getting thinner and thinner.
I need to find a new job, but I'm scared. Actually, I'm terrified. I know what I'm doing at my job right now. I know that I'm damned good at it. I don't need to be trained. I don't have the anxiety of "What if I can't do it?". I go in every day knowing what to expect, and am very rarely thrown a curve ball that upends the entire day. Plus, it's consistent. Day in, day out, I do the same things and I do them well.
What if I can't hack the new job? What if I quit this job to take a new one, only to find out I'm not cut out for the work? Then where will I be?
The truth is though, I'll be somewhere better. I'll be somewhere with more job security. I'll be somewhere with better medical benefits. I'll be somewhere with better pay. And as hard as it is to convince myself, I'll be somewhere that I *can* do the job.
Growing up, my father never praised me for what I could do. Oh, he was quick to point out my faults and short-comings, but he never told me what I was good at. I remember once when I was 12 and my brother was 8 or 9. I was struggling with my math homework and my math genius brother was helping me. My father laughed and said, "Why is your YOUNGER brother better at math than you are? Come on, Jen. Get it together." It never occurred to me at the time to respond with "Why is your YOUNG SON better at math than you are?" (because at that point, the kid was good enough at math to take college-level math courses). I just internalized it and thought of myself as a failure.
But I'm not a failure. I'm smart, damn it. And I can do what's needed at a new job. I'm more than qualified for all of the positions I've saved to my favorites folder and yet haven't applied for. I've read the qualifications and I meet all of them. I've read the descriptions of the job's duties and I can do almost all of them. Those that I'm unfamiliar with, I can learn.
I need to make more money. I can't keep living on $9.27 an hour. I need to stop living paycheck to paycheck, always anxious that some disaster is going to happen that I can't afford. I need to make a change. I need to prepare for my future.
It's safe where the puck is. The puck isn't going to score where it is right now, in mid-court. But where it's going, there's a possibility of scoring. Where it's going, the safety net of where it is now is gone. The other side of the rink is a dangerous place, but it's where the game changes, so it's where I need to be.
But I need to make changes.
My job is not secure. It's actually about as far from secure as it can be. I've been here since 2008 and I've survived 4 bankruptcies and the dismantling of my entire department (where I was the only survivor). Every wrench they throw at me, I dodge. It's made me feel good about myself. It's made me believe that I'm a competent person, someone who isn't a failure. I survived when others didn't! I'm still here when so many around me have lost their jobs! Clearly I am doing something right!
But I'm not doing something right. I'm staying in this dead-end, low-paying job that keeps throwing me punches every six months or so. I need to get out. I need to stop ignoring all the warning signs. I need to not be forced out.
We all just received a standard "Y'all wanna take the Buyout Program option? Because many of you are about to be canned" letter that was said in a much more professional manner but basically boiled down to "Shit's about to get real".
This is the third such letter I've received in the last two years. I survived the others, and honestly, unless this company is completely shutting down (which I'm 99% sure it isn't), I'll likely survive this one, too. Though, naturally, nothing is guaranteed. The ice I'm skating on keeps getting thinner and thinner.
I need to find a new job, but I'm scared. Actually, I'm terrified. I know what I'm doing at my job right now. I know that I'm damned good at it. I don't need to be trained. I don't have the anxiety of "What if I can't do it?". I go in every day knowing what to expect, and am very rarely thrown a curve ball that upends the entire day. Plus, it's consistent. Day in, day out, I do the same things and I do them well.
What if I can't hack the new job? What if I quit this job to take a new one, only to find out I'm not cut out for the work? Then where will I be?
The truth is though, I'll be somewhere better. I'll be somewhere with more job security. I'll be somewhere with better medical benefits. I'll be somewhere with better pay. And as hard as it is to convince myself, I'll be somewhere that I *can* do the job.
Growing up, my father never praised me for what I could do. Oh, he was quick to point out my faults and short-comings, but he never told me what I was good at. I remember once when I was 12 and my brother was 8 or 9. I was struggling with my math homework and my math genius brother was helping me. My father laughed and said, "Why is your YOUNGER brother better at math than you are? Come on, Jen. Get it together." It never occurred to me at the time to respond with "Why is your YOUNG SON better at math than you are?" (because at that point, the kid was good enough at math to take college-level math courses). I just internalized it and thought of myself as a failure.
But I'm not a failure. I'm smart, damn it. And I can do what's needed at a new job. I'm more than qualified for all of the positions I've saved to my favorites folder and yet haven't applied for. I've read the qualifications and I meet all of them. I've read the descriptions of the job's duties and I can do almost all of them. Those that I'm unfamiliar with, I can learn.
I need to make more money. I can't keep living on $9.27 an hour. I need to stop living paycheck to paycheck, always anxious that some disaster is going to happen that I can't afford. I need to make a change. I need to prepare for my future.
It's safe where the puck is. The puck isn't going to score where it is right now, in mid-court. But where it's going, there's a possibility of scoring. Where it's going, the safety net of where it is now is gone. The other side of the rink is a dangerous place, but it's where the game changes, so it's where I need to be.