How do I make you walk in my world?

[museclio]

I've been thinking a lot. I've been thinking since I read the not-rape article I linked a while back, and since reading Yes means Yes. And I've been thinking more since reading cereta's entry I'm an anthropologist by training and by nature. What I do professionally is go and take a walk in someone else's world as best I can, and then come back and

Comments

[ms_lemon]

Amazingly well said and deeply thought provoking. Huzzah to you and for being able to put these words out there.

[museclio]

Thank you. I really appreciate that. It was odd to write and has been percolating. It's hard to look and find some of the bits and pieces that come with being a woman - the stupid comments on the street etc, the things that we brush off. It's hard to take it out and look at it and see that this is not something a cis man has to deal with.

[ms_lemon]

For the record when I get comments like that from people who I don't want to give them I have absolutely no problem calling them out on it. However, I know that comments even when intended as compliments or positive when given in a demeaning way remove any good and leave only a bad taste. So I try to avoid doing this by making statements to others in ways I would not mind hearing myself.

IF I ever make a comment to you that is of the nature that you get sick of hearing it, that it causes you to question your body image or some other negative end result feel free to point it out to me and I'll be certain to adjust in the future. I might be dominant but am not adverse to learning how those around me prefer to be handled :)

[museclio]

Will do - though you never have. It's a much stronger tendency among men however. It's also that it's not just comments it's the jokes that I have to eitehr let slide or point out that it's not funny and I've heard it before, and do so in a way that doesn't end up with someone being pissed that *I* was mean to them for a harmless joke.

[bluejai]

I'm touched by and deeply appreciative of this piece. More so today because I was reminded last night just how vulnerable I am by the SUV of teenage boys who hooted, hollered, and followed me almost all the way to Tom's house. And yes, I brushed it off, even though I was shaking by the time I got there.

[queenmaggie]

My only response after I read that other link is... I married a gentleman, and we raised our sons to be knights. That means they don't take advantage of anyone.
And that's the only way we can change the world. one person at a time, and one generation at a time .

[make_your_move]

Well said love, well said. And if I've ever made a stupid comment regarding your boobs, thunk me and forgive me and I'll note to be more aware in the future.

[museclio]

I don't think so - and truthfully - unfair though it may be, it grates more from the random guy than from another woman, who at least has them.

[ambyr]

Oh, god, the jokes and "compliments." And the stress of trying to figure out how to respond without triggering an affronted "I was just trying to be nice!" and yet still making it clear that it's Not Okay.

For me, it's comments about size. "You're so tiny!" "I could pick you up with one arm!" "You probably don't weigh 100 pounds sopping wet." They're dismissive, they're inaccurate, and, if coming from a man I don't know well, they have an aura of threat, whether intentional or not. I already know you have the advantage over me in a physical struggle; it's not necessary to remind me.

[museclio]

Yeah - I was talking about this elsewhere. There is also the issue of being socialized to be polite. So that it's not saying - that's inappropriate and vaguely threatening whatever - but if you're going to do it, you bloody well have to be *nice*

[scaleslea]

If you counter rudeness with rudeness, then aren't you just promoting the same bad behavior? We all hit our wits end sometimes and snap, but if we want to improve the world, we have to re-enforce polite behavior. Politeness needs to be reflexive. I hate that it means that you have to be polite when dressing down someone who just insulted you, but isn't it better in the long run?

Just putting that out to be considered.

Doc

[silmaril]

I think the issue is somewhat wider (and deeper), though---I might be polite when dressing down someone who just insulted me, but the point is they will still think I am being impolite by the mere fact that I am dressing them down---because they never meant the insult, you see.

So when museclio talks about "being socialized to be polite," the definition of "being polite" there is "taking such insults with a smile." I might be reading that wrong, and I assume she'll be along to correct me if I am.