[poly] perilous poly moments

[much_ado]

i have historically taken a very hands-off approach to a primary partner's other relationships (casual or otherwise). i expect to know they exist, i expect to be notified about date scheduling, i expect to remain the primary priority and be respected as such (by both my partner and his lovers); other than that, i generally don't want to know

Comments

[zingerella]

Okay, before I start, here's where I'm coming from

[much_ado]

c) I crushed *hard* on this person for years. In and around this we had a relationship.and this may be the chiefest difference in the scenarios; matthew doesn't have an emotionally-invested relationship with this girl. sex, yes; but "relationship", per se, is at the "hey, i know you socially, we do stuff in common, we know some of the same people" kind of interaction, not the "let's build a capital-R Relationship" level. and honestly, if matthew's *NOT* going to develop that kind of relationship with her, than i'm significantly less concerned in how *she* might want the interactions to proceed, and far more concerned about how matthew is going to manage keeping her expectations down at the level of what he's offering, instead of at the level of what she may be wanting (taking into account i'm reading a lot into a single five-day span of interaction, and not much else

[zingerella]

Well, initially the object of my crushification and I did not have a capital-R relationship; we knew each other socially, we did stuff in common, and every so often he invited me home with him. In and around that stage of our interaction, I made googly-eyes and was generally young and crushin', and, if I could see myself now, I'd likely be deeply embarrassed

[lightcastle]

Of course, one doesn't know, ahead of time, which people will say "Hmmm ... my crush, my feelings, my responsibility, and I see no reason to let inconvenient twitterpation govern what might otherwise be an entirely satisfactory interaction," and which will say "But I waaaaaannttt!"

No, one really doesn't know. And youth or newbieness isn't even that great a predictor in my experience.

[scooterbird]

Hm, okay, I'll throw this out and see what is thought about it. Might it be time to have a little time out with the girlie? No confrontation, no drama, just a reminder that there's a living person here with feelings and all...something that would get her to remember a bit better that there are boundaries involved and it isn't just the two of them.

Sounds like it might not be a bad thing for you, either...something to connect you besides him.

YMMV, etc., and you can call/e/txt/scream out the window any time at all for just plain ol' LD *hugs* instead of my unasked-for two cents.

[much_ado]

something to connect you besides himmy policy is to not get involved in his relationships; if i have an issue with the way something in the relationship is affecting me, i'll deal with matthew. if the lover is someone with whom i already have a relationship, i might consider talking directly, but i prefer that issues with their relationship get dealt with *by them*. otherwise, the temptation to get involved becomes a path rife with dangers that i prefer to not walk into. i've never really learned how to do that part well, and i don't like my odds of being graceful if i'm having to start practicing with someone i already don't like much

[zingerella]

This makes sense.

I find that it's important for me to meet my partners' other partners, because of my particular flavours of insecurity. If I can have a nice cup of tea, or a brunch, or a dinner with someone, it is often easier for me to look at that person as a person, and not as a threat/inconvenient scheduling complication/potential source of angst.

That said, the nice cup of tea approach runs the risk of my Getting Involved, which I recognize is a Bad Idea. And if it turns out that I don't much care for the other person, that can have ripples. If nothing else, I find myself questioning my partner's taste and discernment. Plus, it becomes more difficult to believe in the goodwill of someone I dislike. When things go awkward, I'm less likely to be at all sympathetic, and more likely to say something unhelpful like "Well, what else could you possibly expected, getting involved with someone like thatI'm still trying to figure out whether I should try a second meeting with an OSO, given that the first one, several years ago, went

[scooterbird]

It does make sense, especially considering you can then deal with your man, which doesn't seem to be a problem.

For my part, dealing with the OSO's is absolutely a must, but that's because of how we (the two of us) decided to set up the whole thing in the first place. I've heard all sorts of things about how unrealistic that is, but as the saying goes, I didn't know it was impossible when we did it.

Both strategies have worked; both have caused multi-day migraines. YMMV.