[poly] perilous poly moments

[much_ado]

i have historically taken a very hands-off approach to a primary partner's other relationships (casual or otherwise). i expect to know they exist, i expect to be notified about date scheduling, i expect to remain the primary priority and be respected as such (by both my partner and his lovers); other than that, i generally don't want to know

Comments

[lightcastle]

Crushes are dangerous and unpredictable.

Personally, from my experience, continuing on in a situation where your SO (especially where you think of it as a primary) actively dislikes your lover is just asking for bad news.

See, if Matthew was just the type of person where consummating WAS likely to kill the crush, he'd have an easier time. (I speak from experience.)

Anyways, I keep high hopes for you managing this well, but my gut says make it very clear that you are concerned and why, don't "put up with it because drawing a line is Bad Poly", and keep an eye out for emotional land mines.

(I figure you know all that.)

[much_ado]

reminders from those not wading hip-deep in the situation are always appreciated. and i have no problem with drawing and defending boundaries, though i have a distinct preference for making the definition of *reasonable* boundaries be a joint project with matthew, rather than drawing knee-jerk-defensive lines just because i'm feeling threatened on some level that may actually have nothing to do with *matthew* himself.

(if the fangirl becomes a problem for me directly, however, i will invoke Rule#2, which is, "Your relationships are your problems to deal with, right up to the point they become *MY* problems to deal with them, at which point, i WILL deal with them, and probably not in any way that will make you very happy.")

[lightcastle]

though i have a distinct preference for making the definition of *reasonable* boundaries be a joint project with matthew, rather than drawing knee-jerk-defensive lines just because i'm feeling threatened on some level that may actually have nothing to do with *matthew* himself.

Yes. Absolutely. Far healthier. (And really, the only way it is particularly effective. I think you have a post about knee jerk drawing of hard lines somewhere.)

[lightcastle]

"Your relationships are your problems to deal with, right up to the point they become *MY* problems to deal with them, at which point, i WILL deal with them, and probably not in any way that will make you very happy.")

yes. I remember that one.

Crushed

[j_v_lynch]

I've always thought of Crushes as a variant of NRE, however in my reading of the above it sounds more like something you feel is negative. Am I misreading? Could you elaborate a bit more on your working definition of a Crush?

Re: Crushed

[much_ado]

good question

Re: Crushed

[theboomboom]

This is a *very* useful differentiation.

Re: Crushed

[lightcastle]

*nod*

I've been trying to find other words for the many things I might call a "crush", myself. I often describe having a "talent crush" or such on people, which I tend to consider harmless - but this other form of "crush", the sort of limerant crush, I often think very problematic. I'm not sure I should use the same word.

Then there is this thing I sometimes call "crushy energy" - which I guess is sort of like NRE, but doesn't have to be a romantic relationship. Most people I want to become friends with have this. (In fact, it is the near total lack of people in Boston who produce any of this in me that has made it so hard for me to find friends and community here.)

(All this besides your main point, and just about defining crushes.)

[olletho]

Oh dear, how..... Shakespearean.

Sounds like there will be a lot of Sound and Fury signifying Nothing, at least in the long run to you and Matthew, it might be a major life changing experience for the Puppy but that really shouldn't be your problem.

Best of luck, try not to throttle her bail is so inconvenient.

[much_ado]

"Sound and Fury signifying Nothing" would certainly be a good scenario to shoot for; i'm not above being surprised by someone who is far more clueful than first blush would indicate. a lot can be determined by how well she responds to any adjustments matthew and i make to preserve our internal comfort zones (which may be as simple as re-iterating the "do what you want with whom you want, but i really prefer you don't do it when i'm around unless i'm part of the action" policy we currently have even with the lovers i *do* like).

and the bail issue is already covered; 'nita's only a phone call away ;-)

[olletho]

*chuckles* just note that I said the long run, the short run might be touchy to navigate and there is something to be said for just dropping her like a hot rock becuase life is too short for that sort of headache.... I'm currently biased due to just having a stressfull summer and keeping things simple appeals to me right now so add salt as nessicary.

[theboomboom]

I am reassured to see that someone else other than me feels that way ... once comfort levels and boundaries are established, I do *much* better if I don't get details. Course, we're still practicing establishing comfort levels and boundaries....

[the_emi]

*hugs* Is it possible that energy-wise, she's someone who's at least slightly poisonous? For me, I can get along well with a LOT of people, and don't often get that knee-jerk GTFO twinge... but when I do, I find there's often a good reason for it.

[much_ado]

she herself i don't think is poisonous; inexperienced and trying overly-hard to fit in with a very tight, very experienced group of people? that's far more likely.

[the_emi]

*nodsnods* and probably covering up the inexperience with bravado?

[much_ado]

exactly.

the SCA is a very rank-heavy, semi-hierarchical club, and when you're sitting around with a bunch of people who have played in the club for an *average* of a dozen years or more, you're inevitably going to be in some reasonably experienced (if not exalted) company. add to the fact that her home branch is way out on the edges of West Buttcrack, she knows very few people herself, but she's associated with someone who is generally better known and reasonably consistently well-liked. so i can totally understand using that association as a bit of a shoe-horn in the introduction stages, but i object to being beaten with it every few minutes for the next several days.

ah well, she's young. maybe she'll learn. i just hope she finds someone else to teach her instead of us :-/

Pennsic

[theboomboom]

Do let us know if one or both of you will be there. Though, hopefully we'll see you before that.

Re: Pennsic

[much_ado]

i do believe you'll be seeing us both in about a week and a half :)

Re: Pennsic

[theboomboom]

That's the plan. :)

Re: Pennsic

[much_ado]

how much canadian coke are we bringing down for you? :)