the sliding scale of emotional engagement: no-one just "falls out of love"

[much_ado]

This post has been floating around in my head for a while (like a lot of other posts I haven't written yet), but it's coagulating now because I got an out-of-the-blue link request from someone who found the first sliding scale post from a year+ ago, and pinged me with a relink request to that post. Ergo, I went back to read the post (my partner had

Comments

[musicman]

Wow! coming along and reading your post right after my very introspective post about my wife and myself and the reasons I feel I must not only separate but divorce -- well, I'd be interested in hearing your comments on what I wrote this morning

[bridgeoutahead]

I am reading for sure...but methinks you are referring to yet another Red :)

Is your name Red?

[musicman]

Ah, yes -- I was referring to my marked Consort, lover, friend, and perhaps someday-to-be-life-partner redhotlips -- I would define more of her roles in my life, but you are not on my kink filter. :)

Re: Is your name Red?

[bridgeoutahead]

*grin* Nice to meet you.

much_ado started calling me Red years ago and the name stuck. I also go by Carrie.

[lapsedagnostic]

I agree with a whole lot of this, if not all. My question is how does a normal, stereotypical couple find the need to do the work to maintain intimacy? Where can you find the motivation (for each partner) to get them to stop, drop walls, see each other, and share? Things will be going along Well Enough, the images they have of each other, as long as there's not a crisis, fit the need. How do you fight slow erosion

Trying not to be flip

[the_nita]

How do you fight slow erosion?

The same way you do it with physical erosion - deliberate, conscious effort. Knowing that it happens, regardless of "how much you're in love", because it happens, because ultimately, you're still people and people do this, give you the rough equivalent of the scientist giving the greenhouse gas report. It is. How you choose to respond to that information is ultimately your (using the larger generic version, not the you -specific) decision.

My husband and I go through periods of having to remember to make that conscious choice again and again. After a fashion, that we didn't see each other except for the monthly weekend visit for the first 4.5 years of our relationship, and therefore had to learn to be vulnerable, stay engaged, and be open to what was actually going on gave us tools we could use when we had to do it in person. We forget lots - but thanks to those tools, when we do hit crisis (and gods, yes, they happen), once the knee jerk stuff is out of the way, we can haul out the tool kit,

Re: Trying not to be flip

[lapsedagnostic]

(didn't take it as flip at all)

You had the tools build from experience, and have learned through personal history and observations just how critical these things are.

My question is how do you convey the neccessity of this continous (and occasionally incredibly hard) work to a couple that fell in love at 22, got married six months later, and have no idea how things got so bad by the time they were 25?

How do you arm the typical couple to fight the three and seven year itch? How do you get them to recognize the issue early enough that Crisis Counseling doesn't have to happen?

I don't think there's an easy answer for this, if one at all. The Popular Figures fighting this fight tend to be like Dr. Phil and Oprah, and at best they're only reaching half the neccessary audience.

Maybe there needs to be a PR campaign: "Remember, every month when you write your rent or mortgage check, change your AC and Heater filter, and then spend the rest of the evening getting to know your spouse all over again."

fabulous questions...

[much_ado]

...with no easy answers.

something fiddletoo mentioned above fits in answer to you question about how "normal" relationships find the need to work on intimacy, and the short answer is, some just plain won't have that defined (individually or as a relationship) as a value. there's a large number of reasons why that might be the case, up to and including simply not know what "intimacy" means, what it looks like, how to interact with it as a concrete objective or component of a relationship. some people don't acquire the relationship skills as children to build secure relationships in order to pursue intimacy in effective ways (the whole issue of attachment styles is something i've been dealing with lately in the research, and that's a whole 'nuther post or series of posts i have yet to distill), so they never learn how to adapt as adults to be effective communicators with their intimate partners. some people are lazy and just don't want to change when it's easier to slide in and out of relationships rather than remodel and rebuild on the fly

Another great entry

[make_your_move]

and one of the reasons I will always enjoy reading what you write.

[3ravensringo]

Ye Gods. I'm so flooded that I don't have words.

[much_ado]

take your time; i'll wait :)

[3ravensringo]

I'm filled with the need to go to confession with your post printed out and whine to the Priest about how guilty I am.

"Tat tvam asi." This is thyself. No one ever said that looking into a mirror would be a pleasant or reassuring experience.

[much_ado]

"guilt" is a word i try hard to avoid. we all make mistakes, but better to make mistakes than to do nothing. something else Kris is fond of saying is that everything that goes wrong in a relationship is something someone *tried* that failed: some kind of failed coping mechanism, some kind of instrument for change gone awry.

if the mirror only ever gave us pleasantries or reassurance, we'd never be challenged to change, would we?

[devilish__angel]

have I mentioned the part where you are bloody brilliant? if you don't mind, I'm going to link to this from my own journal, as I see it's public... & I think a lot of this can apply to relationships in general, not specifically romantic ones...

[much_ado]

feel free to link away; that's a standard offer for any of the public posts on this stuff.

and yes, it absolutely *does* apply to any kind of relationship.

[devilish__angel]

awesome.

& I would say "get out of my brain, it's a scary place", as this applies to both the rl situation (you at least peripherally know about, from yesterday), as well as a conversation Tim & I had last night... but this is really refreshing to see. ^_^