sometimes, blind reliance on "process" is the wrong answer

[much_ado]

matthew has a philosophy that i've always thought seemed prudent: "It's not a question of whether or not you can trust people; it's a question of what you trust them to do." sometimes, you can trust people implicitly, even if it's only trusting them to be true to their own natures in the face of repeated contentions that their natural behaviours

Comments

[lightcastle]

*hug*

It's too late for me to have anything more eloquent.

[moonlight_mile]

I'm not sure that I would want to reflect the behavior that made me feel badly. Seems like that would only put more distance between you. The bond, for me, is being able to rely on my partner. *HUG* You sound angry and bitter in this post to me. I hope when the dust settles you can find a better solution.

[lightcastle]

I'm going to join Moonlight mile in questioning the whole "reflecting the behaviour" back part. I suspect this has both more backhistory than I know and does not actually mean quite so much *deliberately* finding reasons to do that, so much. Still, the phrasing makes me nervous.

I hope that this change in expectations lands you in a place where at the very least it is less of an energy drain on you.

[much_ado]

there's certainly a tension that goes with feeling like i'm letting him of the hook for something that consistently pisses me off

[lightcastle]

This I all understand. (Although I am going to ask if #1 includes asking them to change. The "no one should ever alter their behaviour" thing seems... odd to me.)

I am all for the "decrease your dependency on that aspect" thing. For instance, in a similar situation I would probably find a similar solution. If the problem wasn't timing but say content and intents of dates, I'd have a MUCH harder time.

What I am asking about, however, is something you said in the original post about not allowing a double standard. By this are you saying you are no longer going to communicate to him your timing?

[comicbook_greek]

I'm not going to reply to the subject of your post because I don't really have any answers. (hugs)

I did want to say though I know you aren't looking forward to buses and you know my thoughts on taking a bus. However once in a while if you want, I'd be happy to get a nice 30 minute walk in around the mall that just happens to coincide with the time you close up, giving you someone to talk with on the ride home. I figure our buses would be the same for a long way so it wouldn't put me out to go your way and talking on the bus makes the ride go much faster.

~Mike

[cous_cous]

I do not know either you or Matthew personally, so take what I say below for what it's worth. I can only give you my viewpoint of a very happy marriage

[much_ado]

Marriage is about compromise. My husband has his flaws, as, possibly, so
do I. However, if I were to say to him, "It hurts me when you do/say
this", my expectation is that we'd discuss the behavior, determine if my
hurt was a reasonable thing, or a manifestation of past hurts, and, based
upon that discussion decide that either I was being unreasonable, in
which case, when ever those feelings of hurt arose, I'd simply remind
myself of that, until eventually I got over myself, or, he would attempt
to correct the behavior, with my understanding that behaviors do not
change overnight.

oh, lady... we've tried this

[mycrazyhair]

This post is disturbing me deeply. Possibly that's because, if I were in your shoes, M's behaviour would probably be a deal-breaker for me.

I very much hope you two come to a solution that makes you both happy (not just tolerant).

((((hugs))))

[much_ado]

in the grander scheme of things, we all have to pick and choose our battles on the basis of what's capital-I Important to us, and what i not. as matthew pointed out last night, he's generally very good at communicating plans (in terms of intentions, such as the shape and content of his dates), and so-so on communicating reasonable approximate timings; it's really only communicating the fluctuations on the fly, the shifting plans (especially those that do or may impact me directly) that are the recurring problem.

i have determined that while i don't like that partiular downfall, i will (attempt to) accept it as a personal foible of his, as long as i *do* have other alternatives that are NOT reliant on him, even if they're less-than-optimal solutions themselves. in the grander scheme of our relationship, this is an unpleasant issue, but not a deal-breaker scale issue for me. not yet, at any rate. i'd rather let it go at this point than keep bashing my head against the unchanging wall of his internal sliding priority scale.