On the theory that I'm supposd to be helping (see earlier post)the_nitaJune 22 2006, 19:34:35 UTC
Um...there's nothing new here, hon. At least not to me, and I suspect those of us around you who have known you for a while.
Hell, having you as my AD, I watched this pattern happen, and I tried to avoid *being* your authority figure. *wry grin*
Do I have a good answer to your final question? Not exactly (the first response was "have a kid and try to be a good parent" - has been forcing all kinds of internal changes for me). I guess it boils down to not so much "define your needs or wants" as "define what you're willing to lose".
Following the juvenile processing will, ultimately, lose you things in your life that you claim to value. How many and which are you prepared to lose? When something you really don't want to lose is in danger of going, (much like I suspect you're dealing with on some level), you'll start kicking your own ass. Because you'll need it. And you'll backslide. But ultimately you'll gain ground. Because otherwise, you'll lose it. And you may well lose it anyway - some people can't learn the lesson
( ... )
Re: On the theory that I'm supposd to be helping (see earlier post)bittibuddhaJune 22 2006, 20:11:34 UTC
along the same lines, I find that when I start listening to my InnerParent voice is when I start to see things beyond that petulant/demanding/greedy/want-based childish world-view.
I suspect you have that voice inside your head too, its just been drowned out by "40 plus" years of "But I want it NOW! and I deserve it!". A lot of what your InnerParent will say at first is "No. Its not good/healthy/wise for you.", and while your InnerChild will want to rebel, hopefully it will begin to see the value in what Parent has to say.
Being a GrownUp sucks sometimes, hon. But the alternative is a very self-centered and ultimately unsatisfactory life. Your Buddhist readings are a great way to learn some new tools... its all about learning to think outside yourself. Thats a huge part of it.
I've been looking forward to this (and the coming) posts. You have my warmest thoughts as you keep going. Keep going.
Re: On the theory that I'm supposd to be helping (see earlier post)alricthemadJune 22 2006, 21:14:31 UTC
I would disagree with your use of the word self-centered. i would substitute selfish. Selfcentered (focused on the self) would be a good thing for me. Too often I am looking 'over there' for how I should be or what I should be doing. to be centered on my self would definetly be a good thing.
As for the parent voice, watch out for your mom or dad's voice, since for me and oftne for many, it's not a voice of reason but a bunch of shoulds and should nots. Great material for rebelling against. I want (to do) this is much is much more effective for getting something (done).
consider this analogy: you badger your partner to do all the chores around the house so you don't have to/because you don't want to have to do them yourself, but then you either pick apart the partner's technique, or you follow along afterward and redo them to your internal specifications because whatever was done "wasn't good enough". it's a common power struggle tactic for people who don't want to engage on vulnerable levels: "you do all the work, i'll tell you what's wrong with it, then do what i wanted to do all along anyway, once i'm done proving that none of your options are sufficient". ihateyoucuzi'mguiltyascharged
babe. I'm guitly as charged too. In my case, I told myself that I didn't need to know about some tasks - let the person I deemed *more* qualified do it because they'd get it done faster/better...
how *does* one learn, after 40 years of clinging to juvenile processing, to become the Internally-Responsible Adult
People change. Some do it completely unconciously, some with some degree of deliberate choice. They *all* do it in response to fear/attractions in their environment.
How do we change conciously? Identify what you think you want, why you think you want it and try to identify some way to move towards it. Then try.
How does one change after 40 years? Identify what your 'pay-offs' have been. Behaviour that has been that stable, for that long, *has* to have a pay-off. As long as the pay-off is still there, the behaviour will want to repeat.
Comments 15
I am SO DAMN PROUD OF YOU.
wow-oh-wow.
I gots nuthin else right now.
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Hell, having you as my AD, I watched this pattern happen, and I tried to avoid *being* your authority figure. *wry grin*
Do I have a good answer to your final question? Not exactly (the first response was "have a kid and try to be a good parent" - has been forcing all kinds of internal changes for me). I guess it boils down to not so much "define your needs or wants" as "define what you're willing to lose".
Following the juvenile processing will, ultimately, lose you things in your life that you claim to value. How many and which are you prepared to lose? When something you really don't want to lose is in danger of going, (much like I suspect you're dealing with on some level), you'll start kicking your own ass. Because you'll need it. And you'll backslide. But ultimately you'll gain ground. Because otherwise, you'll lose it. And you may well lose it anyway - some people can't learn the lesson ( ... )
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likewise. I'm battling with the 'but I want to go out and have FUN.......not be an adult' side of me more often than not. It's tough
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I suspect you have that voice inside your head too, its just been drowned out by "40 plus" years of "But I want it NOW! and I deserve it!". A lot of what your InnerParent will say at first is "No. Its not good/healthy/wise for you.", and while your InnerChild will want to rebel, hopefully it will begin to see the value in what Parent has to say.
Being a GrownUp sucks sometimes, hon. But the alternative is a very self-centered and ultimately unsatisfactory life. Your Buddhist readings are a great way to learn some new tools... its all about learning to think outside yourself. Thats a huge part of it.
I've been looking forward to this (and the coming) posts. You have my warmest thoughts as you keep going. Keep going.
Reply
Selfcentered (focused on the self) would be a good thing for me. Too often I am looking 'over there' for how I should be or what I should be doing. to be centered on my self would definetly be a good thing.
As for the parent voice, watch out for your mom or dad's voice, since for me and oftne for many, it's not a voice of reason but a bunch of shoulds and should nots. Great material for rebelling against. I want (to do) this is much is much more effective for getting something (done).
Reply
ihateyoucuzi'mguiltyascharged
lots of brain material, thankyou.
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sigh.
yeah...
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Keep going
Keep practicing
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People change. Some do it completely unconciously, some with some degree of deliberate choice. They *all* do it in response to fear/attractions in their environment.
How do we change conciously? Identify what you think you want, why you think you want it and try to identify some way to move towards it. Then try.
How does one change after 40 years? Identify what your 'pay-offs' have been. Behaviour that has been that stable, for that long, *has* to have a pay-off. As long as the pay-off is still there, the behaviour will want to repeat.
Reply
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