musesandlyrics | 6.21. Evanescence lyrics
6.21. These wounds won't seem to heal, this pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase
My Immortal - Evanescence
Co-written with sexyinscrubs | Set 9th April 2010
[Set a few days after THIS]
The feeling that he was waking up from a heavy sleep wasn't strange to Aiden. It felt just like every other time. But this time, something was different. The dreams had felt so real, almost like he was reliving his whole relationship with Pat all over again, and with such clarity that as he woke up with a start, it was almost like he could feel Pat's hand clutched around his as they said their wedding vows. He still remembered the way Pat's fingers felt linked around his, knowing they were both nervous but not having any regrets. Now to be feeling like he had been grabbed and seized from a heavy dream-filled sleep was the weirdest sensation, a little like maybe none of it was real?
Panic spiked in him at the last notion and then he was abruptly wide awake, taking in the faintly familiar surroundings of the hospital room. A hospital room, not their wedding. Not the first time he had seen Pat. Not the first time they met. Not their first, or their trip to Fire Island when they first told each other they loved each other, not the trip to Mexico...
He looked up at the ceiling, breathing heavily to try and catch his breath. His heart was thumping wildly in his chest and it almost seemed like it was stuck somewhere up near his throat. He was sweating heavily and felt disoriented. He didn't want to be awake and in pain, he wanted to be asleep again, where everything was okay and there was no doubts or anxiety. It had been so easy in the early days compared to what it had become now. Breath still coming out in shallow bursts, Aiden put a hand up to his face to try and wipe away some of the thick sweat pool there on his forehead. It took a few more moments for him to get some grounding and know where he was. As soon as it dawned on him, he turned his head to look over at Pat's bed to make sure he was still there and not taken from him.
"Hello, darling... bad dream?" Patrick murmured, tired eyes on his husband just like they had been for a good portion of the last hour. He was in a lot of pain and it was hard to move without it making itself known ten-fold, but he could lie there and see Aiden, which was enough for him at that moment. Everything was such a haze when he woke up, and it still was. The staff had given up trying to get him to absorb and process things they were telling him until Lachlan had stepped in with his own attempt but Patrick could hardly even remember the conversation with his best mate a short while ago. He didn't know how long he had been awake, or what was going on. But he was okay as long as he could see Aiden a small distance away from him in the other bed, even if his husband had been asleep the whole time.
Aiden figured if he wasn't painfully aware of the catheter he had to tolerate, he might have very well wet himself at that moment, or fallen out of the bed if the railing wasn't up. The only thing was, he didn't know if he was still dreaming or if this was Pat really awake. It had been about five days since Pat's condition took a turn for the worst and he lost consciousness again after another small bleed on the brain. There had been visitors, but Aiden had spent a large portion of his own convalescences in a hospital bed watching and waiting for Pat to wake up, fearing that when he did, he wouldn't remember him just like Pat's friends indicated had happened the first time. His first reaction was to almost choke on a gasp of breath from the shock of seeing his husband's eyes open. It was a start. Aiden could work with open eyes and a small comment... it meant Pat wasn't dead. Once his mind let himself claw back some clarity, he started to look over Pat's face to make sure he was okay, but he really didn't look okay and Aiden shifted in bed to try and get an easier view. Pat had no colour in his face, and his eyes were heavy-lidded and dull. Aiden realised with a chill in his gut that even Pat's comment couldn't be telling about his memory or condition. Pat was a nurse, and an extremely caring person. He would enquire about anyone if he thought they needed help or comfort. He had been stuck in this damn fucking bed for what felt like weeks. He didn't seem to be hooked up to anything important, but as he tried to tug off some of the wires that would let him move, there was some warning beeps and he realised he was stuck there. "Pat," he said helplessly and even gave the railed a firm shove in frustration.
"Hey, us nurses don't like it when our patients fuck with our medical equipment, darling. Quit it and stay put, or you're going to create someone on a long nightshift more work," Patrick warned and then managed a small smile at Aiden as he continued to watch him.
Some of the tension in Aiden ebbed away at the smile, and he returned it, shifting stiffly into his side and holding the railing. It was as close as he was going to get to Pat without assistance, but it was at least better than nothing. "You know who I am?" he found himself asking before he could stop the uncertain words falling out of his mouth.
Patrick swallowed to wet his dry mouth and raised his eyebrows just a little. Hell, even that hurt. "I know who you are, sweetheart" he confirmed in a soft voice. "But I don't know it all. Lachie was here a little while ago. I, um... about a, um... year? Time... I don't remember. I thought we only got married a couple of days ago," he had to reveal. He drew in a long breath and let it out in a heavy sigh of frustration when his speech still sounded like he was drunk. Drunk would've been so much easier. "I woke up panicking about... telling Cam. They said that was a year ago."
Aiden looked at Pat, his mouth hanging open slightly. So, his husband hadn't forgotten who he was, but there was a memory gap there. A big one. So much had happened in a year, and Pat had no recollection of it. It wasn't like everyone hadn't warned him of this, but in the flesh, it was hitting Aiden like a tonne of bricks. They even tried to placate him by telling him that even if Pat lost some of his memory, he could get it back like he did last time. It just could be a slow process. Here and now, Pat wouldn't even remember Cameron's injury, or Campbell's birth, none of the mess with Izzy and James and him not being Marcus Fraser... definitely nothing about Emma's surrogacy offer. Aiden was just dumbfounded and had no idea what he was supposed to do with this. "I-I- um... well you, um... you sorted that out with him," he said, floundering. He didn't want to spook Pat by having a panic attack, but how the hell was he supposed to deal with this? "Tomorrow... it's our one year anniversary," he added in bewilderment, his voice now shaky and uncertain.
"It's okay to be scared, darling," was Patrick's quiet answer. He put his hand up and slowly blew Aiden a kiss. "On the upside, I still think we're newlyweds. That's got to have some pluses, right?" he added jokingly and then looked at his hand, trying to see his wedding ring, but it wasn't there and he frowned a little in confusion.
"I've got it," Aiden quickly jumped in to reassure him, making an assumption on Pat's actions. He held up his hand where he had both his and Pat's wedding rings on his left ring finger. He had it there since Lachlan had given it to him after they took him off the heart monitor. He hadn't wanted anyone else to take it for safekeeping. He closed his eyes briefly and exhaled heavily. "That's a plus. It's just not much of a year I think you'd want to do over, gorgeous. It's not a year much of us would want to do over," he admitted.
It wasn't easy for Patrick to hear this. He didn't know things, big things. That lost feeling he had last time he experienced this was beginning to set in. He didn't have the energy to be the strong on here, but at least he could give it a bit of a shot. He had to squint to be able to see both rings on Aiden's finger and it soothed a tiny bit of the discontent building in him. He swallowed again and looked back up to Aiden's face. "So, we start fresh," was his mumbled answer when the exhaustion started to set back in. "Get it right this time."
Aiden wanted to cry, but instead he just held Pat's groggy gaze steadily. "I love you," he murmured. "I grew some hard balls, you know. I can take a shot at getting through anything now."
Pat's eyes had closed through another wave of pain but he gave another small smile. "I never doubted it, darling. I didn't marry you for your balls... I married you because you were the first person who ever made me feel complete. I might have forgotten our first year of marriage, but I didn't forget you, or that. You give me a reason to not just... pack it in and let the MS destroy me. Physically, maybe it already has," he had to contemplate, feeling that the pain was a tough battle right now. "But I'm not ready to sign out on your yet. Just grip those balls for me a wee bit longer, darling. I need you right now. I'm not pushing anyone away this time."
Aiden nodded a little and pressed his lips together as a couple of tears escaped. The notion that this accident might have exacerbated Pat's illness extensively was something he was scared to think about, but delusion was stupid. Pat was right, they had to face this. They had to just deal, because giving up wasn't an option. "For better or for worse, my love. Just like I promised," he vowed and then returned Pat's blown kiss with one of his own.
Word Count | 1,789
There's just too much that time cannot erase
My Immortal - Evanescence
Co-written with sexyinscrubs | Set 9th April 2010
[Set a few days after THIS]
The feeling that he was waking up from a heavy sleep wasn't strange to Aiden. It felt just like every other time. But this time, something was different. The dreams had felt so real, almost like he was reliving his whole relationship with Pat all over again, and with such clarity that as he woke up with a start, it was almost like he could feel Pat's hand clutched around his as they said their wedding vows. He still remembered the way Pat's fingers felt linked around his, knowing they were both nervous but not having any regrets. Now to be feeling like he had been grabbed and seized from a heavy dream-filled sleep was the weirdest sensation, a little like maybe none of it was real?
Panic spiked in him at the last notion and then he was abruptly wide awake, taking in the faintly familiar surroundings of the hospital room. A hospital room, not their wedding. Not the first time he had seen Pat. Not the first time they met. Not their first, or their trip to Fire Island when they first told each other they loved each other, not the trip to Mexico...
He looked up at the ceiling, breathing heavily to try and catch his breath. His heart was thumping wildly in his chest and it almost seemed like it was stuck somewhere up near his throat. He was sweating heavily and felt disoriented. He didn't want to be awake and in pain, he wanted to be asleep again, where everything was okay and there was no doubts or anxiety. It had been so easy in the early days compared to what it had become now. Breath still coming out in shallow bursts, Aiden put a hand up to his face to try and wipe away some of the thick sweat pool there on his forehead. It took a few more moments for him to get some grounding and know where he was. As soon as it dawned on him, he turned his head to look over at Pat's bed to make sure he was still there and not taken from him.
"Hello, darling... bad dream?" Patrick murmured, tired eyes on his husband just like they had been for a good portion of the last hour. He was in a lot of pain and it was hard to move without it making itself known ten-fold, but he could lie there and see Aiden, which was enough for him at that moment. Everything was such a haze when he woke up, and it still was. The staff had given up trying to get him to absorb and process things they were telling him until Lachlan had stepped in with his own attempt but Patrick could hardly even remember the conversation with his best mate a short while ago. He didn't know how long he had been awake, or what was going on. But he was okay as long as he could see Aiden a small distance away from him in the other bed, even if his husband had been asleep the whole time.
Aiden figured if he wasn't painfully aware of the catheter he had to tolerate, he might have very well wet himself at that moment, or fallen out of the bed if the railing wasn't up. The only thing was, he didn't know if he was still dreaming or if this was Pat really awake. It had been about five days since Pat's condition took a turn for the worst and he lost consciousness again after another small bleed on the brain. There had been visitors, but Aiden had spent a large portion of his own convalescences in a hospital bed watching and waiting for Pat to wake up, fearing that when he did, he wouldn't remember him just like Pat's friends indicated had happened the first time. His first reaction was to almost choke on a gasp of breath from the shock of seeing his husband's eyes open. It was a start. Aiden could work with open eyes and a small comment... it meant Pat wasn't dead. Once his mind let himself claw back some clarity, he started to look over Pat's face to make sure he was okay, but he really didn't look okay and Aiden shifted in bed to try and get an easier view. Pat had no colour in his face, and his eyes were heavy-lidded and dull. Aiden realised with a chill in his gut that even Pat's comment couldn't be telling about his memory or condition. Pat was a nurse, and an extremely caring person. He would enquire about anyone if he thought they needed help or comfort. He had been stuck in this damn fucking bed for what felt like weeks. He didn't seem to be hooked up to anything important, but as he tried to tug off some of the wires that would let him move, there was some warning beeps and he realised he was stuck there. "Pat," he said helplessly and even gave the railed a firm shove in frustration.
"Hey, us nurses don't like it when our patients fuck with our medical equipment, darling. Quit it and stay put, or you're going to create someone on a long nightshift more work," Patrick warned and then managed a small smile at Aiden as he continued to watch him.
Some of the tension in Aiden ebbed away at the smile, and he returned it, shifting stiffly into his side and holding the railing. It was as close as he was going to get to Pat without assistance, but it was at least better than nothing. "You know who I am?" he found himself asking before he could stop the uncertain words falling out of his mouth.
Patrick swallowed to wet his dry mouth and raised his eyebrows just a little. Hell, even that hurt. "I know who you are, sweetheart" he confirmed in a soft voice. "But I don't know it all. Lachie was here a little while ago. I, um... about a, um... year? Time... I don't remember. I thought we only got married a couple of days ago," he had to reveal. He drew in a long breath and let it out in a heavy sigh of frustration when his speech still sounded like he was drunk. Drunk would've been so much easier. "I woke up panicking about... telling Cam. They said that was a year ago."
Aiden looked at Pat, his mouth hanging open slightly. So, his husband hadn't forgotten who he was, but there was a memory gap there. A big one. So much had happened in a year, and Pat had no recollection of it. It wasn't like everyone hadn't warned him of this, but in the flesh, it was hitting Aiden like a tonne of bricks. They even tried to placate him by telling him that even if Pat lost some of his memory, he could get it back like he did last time. It just could be a slow process. Here and now, Pat wouldn't even remember Cameron's injury, or Campbell's birth, none of the mess with Izzy and James and him not being Marcus Fraser... definitely nothing about Emma's surrogacy offer. Aiden was just dumbfounded and had no idea what he was supposed to do with this. "I-I- um... well you, um... you sorted that out with him," he said, floundering. He didn't want to spook Pat by having a panic attack, but how the hell was he supposed to deal with this? "Tomorrow... it's our one year anniversary," he added in bewilderment, his voice now shaky and uncertain.
"It's okay to be scared, darling," was Patrick's quiet answer. He put his hand up and slowly blew Aiden a kiss. "On the upside, I still think we're newlyweds. That's got to have some pluses, right?" he added jokingly and then looked at his hand, trying to see his wedding ring, but it wasn't there and he frowned a little in confusion.
"I've got it," Aiden quickly jumped in to reassure him, making an assumption on Pat's actions. He held up his hand where he had both his and Pat's wedding rings on his left ring finger. He had it there since Lachlan had given it to him after they took him off the heart monitor. He hadn't wanted anyone else to take it for safekeeping. He closed his eyes briefly and exhaled heavily. "That's a plus. It's just not much of a year I think you'd want to do over, gorgeous. It's not a year much of us would want to do over," he admitted.
It wasn't easy for Patrick to hear this. He didn't know things, big things. That lost feeling he had last time he experienced this was beginning to set in. He didn't have the energy to be the strong on here, but at least he could give it a bit of a shot. He had to squint to be able to see both rings on Aiden's finger and it soothed a tiny bit of the discontent building in him. He swallowed again and looked back up to Aiden's face. "So, we start fresh," was his mumbled answer when the exhaustion started to set back in. "Get it right this time."
Aiden wanted to cry, but instead he just held Pat's groggy gaze steadily. "I love you," he murmured. "I grew some hard balls, you know. I can take a shot at getting through anything now."
Pat's eyes had closed through another wave of pain but he gave another small smile. "I never doubted it, darling. I didn't marry you for your balls... I married you because you were the first person who ever made me feel complete. I might have forgotten our first year of marriage, but I didn't forget you, or that. You give me a reason to not just... pack it in and let the MS destroy me. Physically, maybe it already has," he had to contemplate, feeling that the pain was a tough battle right now. "But I'm not ready to sign out on your yet. Just grip those balls for me a wee bit longer, darling. I need you right now. I'm not pushing anyone away this time."
Aiden nodded a little and pressed his lips together as a couple of tears escaped. The notion that this accident might have exacerbated Pat's illness extensively was something he was scared to think about, but delusion was stupid. Pat was right, they had to face this. They had to just deal, because giving up wasn't an option. "For better or for worse, my love. Just like I promised," he vowed and then returned Pat's blown kiss with one of his own.
Word Count | 1,789