RP LOG with straight2point | Some sort of comfort
[Backdated about a week ago]
For the first time since he had abruptly woken up to not only find himself choking on something stuck in his throat, but to be soon swooped on by countless people swarming over him in a panicked rush, Aiden found himself alone. Initially, he hadn't known what the fuck was going on, just that he was in pain, his throat was agony, and he couldn't breathe. Of course, the first reaction when you can't breathe and feel like something is lodged in your throat is to panic, which he did. It was all a haze now, though. Eventually Lachlan and Tara were there with him, Lachlan slowly and calmly telling him not to try and talk and to take small slow breaths to get used to the tube controlling his breathing. It wasn't easy. Like being told to walk on land in flippers. Tara's hand tucked around his as she stroked his fingers with hers did help, with Lachlan staying leant over him to try and coach the breathing. A small whiteboard was soon offered to him if he needed to communicate anything to them. All he wanted to know was where Patrick was, and that led to Lachlan doing the best he could to explain the situation.
It was surreal, and Aiden tried desperately to absorb it all, but he felt drugged, drunk and hungover all at the same time... none of which was helping the agony. It just led to more drugs, and more groggy haziness in his brain. It came like a deep blow to his gut though when Lachlan had stepped aside and revealed Patrick unconscious in the accompanying bed, well out of Aiden's reach. Aiden still couldn't be quite sure on all the facts, but Pat had been doing okay in the wake of the apparent car crash. As well as he could be considering the trauma, anyway. He had been waiting for Aiden to wake up, only to take a turn for the worst the night before. It started with a dramatic change in mood and personality, apparently exploding angrily at Cameron out of the blue. It moved on to losing the ability to speak and see, soon blacking out in the middle of a conversation with his twin. The MS symptoms he had been having had masked the fact there was a small bleed on his brain, the accident causing a relapse in the hemorrhage site from a couple of years prior. Despite the words of reassurance coming from Lachlan's mouth that they had clamped the bleed again, and Pat should be okay, how was Aiden really supposed to believe them anymore? He was always going to be okay. Monotonously, he heard it over and fucking over again. So, why was his husband unconscious in the bed beside him? A small bleed, about the size of a coin, but so fucking what? Aiden didn't understand the medical talk, and his own condition caused him to get angry and upset. He admired the Scot's resolve and stamina, though. He stuck it out, copped the onslaught, and stayed until Aiden calmed down, soon having more and more questions. How the accident even happened to start with. He couldn't remember any of it. The last thing he had recollection of was picking Pat up from work to leave for New York.
Now Lachlan and Tara were telling him Pat's MS had caused it? No way. It couldn't be. At some point, he vaguely remembered Lachlan requesting his permission to talk about Pat's condition beyond his family - specifically to their friends - but Aiden realised he hadn't answered. He'd been too confused and mixed up. He was now alone with Pat in the room, and he lay there, watching his husband for a countless length of time. He tried so hard to remember what had happened and how it all went down, but it was eluding him. There was a big gaping hole in his memory, and it was as frustrating as all fuck. He now had a stonger empathy for how Pat felt a lot of the time. Apparently Pat would be okay. They could get back on their feet. Aiden just couldn't shake the weird sense of unstable uncertainty surrounding everything all of a sudden. Nothing felt right. He put a hand up to his neck, which was still heavily bandaged. They had taken the tubes out, and his voice was barely there, more just a scratchy whisper, but at least he could talk and breathe now. He had so many questions, but even though he loved Pat's family, he had a deep yearning in his gut akin to homesickness for something or someone familiar to him to just give him the ability to ground himself and get through this without losing it.
Harri hadn't hesitated in coming back to the hospital to see Aiden when Lachlan's message came through. She hadn't hesitated in collecting Campbell either for the visit like the Scot had requested. Campbell, on the other hand, was apparently feeling a wee bit uncooperative as far as clothes went. He'd wiggled restlessly, determined to stay naked until Harri had finally got him to still as she sung - badly - to try and soothe him. Apparently the kid was already suffering from obligatory son-mother love, so the fact Harri couldn't sing for quids didn't matter. James was still in California on work, so she had just sent him a text message to let him know where they'd be, and that Aiden was awake. She hadn't heard back, so she could only assume he was okay, and that he'd reply when he could.
A part of her had hoped her partner would come back with her and Campbell, but she realised it was asking too much. James needed to be back at work, his stint of paternity leave over. She'd gone with him to keep him close to Campbell, even happy to pose as whoever the fuck it was she'd been just to play happy families for a little while. Of course the Brit inside her was screaming with hatred over California. She hated it. She hated the sun, the plastic quality everything seemed to have, and all the fucking falsities tumbling out of everyone's mouths. She wasn't a stranger to it in the fashion business, but this was worse. It was like talking to Barbies who'd attended etiquette classes for dummies.
She had been relieved to get back on the East Coast, even if it had been because of Aiden and Pat's accident. Now she was back in Princeton-Plainsboro Teaching Hospital with Campbell cradled against her chest, her baby boy's head resting against her breast contentedly. It was like he knew from instinct just to behave in this place. Like maybe if he didn't he'd find himself shoved back in her womb. She found Aiden's room, and looked between her best friend and his husband. Pat taking a turn for the worse was not something she had been aware of, and she bit her lip as she quickly moved to Aiden's side and held Campbell a little tighter as she leaned down to press a kiss to her BFF's forehead. "You had us worried," she murmured.
Aiden normally wasn't the sort to cry. In fact, it was usually only witnessing Pat in pain or upset that did it when that sheer helplessness started to set in. He had known what he was getting in for when he married Pat, and it wasn't the burden Pat believed it was, but that didn't mean Aiden didn't experience the emotions that came with seeing someone he loved suffer. He could carry a burden and still be affected by it. But seeing Harri with Campbell opened the floodgates. The only thing was, crying actually really hurt his throat, and it was enough to set him on a battle to fight it off the best he could. Tears were still trickling down his cheeks, but he managed to prevent breaking into a wave of painful sobs. "I just figured I'd get some free plastic surgery," he finally joked, sounding like some sort of bad horror film villian with the raspy words.
Campbell's blue eyes seemed to fix on Aiden at the sound of his voice, and the boy seemed to try and process whether it was still his godfather, or whether this was someone else. After a moment Harri bit down on her lip as she tried to stop herself from breaking down into sobs at the sight of Campbell's hand reaching out for Aiden. She held onto her son with one hand as she moved in closer, and brushed her fingers over Aiden's cheeks to clear away the tears. "Please don't start, love. You know that if you go, I go. Hormones are still kicking up something fierce. Bloody hate being a woman sometimes. Still, it was worth it... Just like the free plastic surgery was, apparently. They really have done an amazing job." She frowned as she turned her head to glance at Pat. "Is he okay? Are you?"
Aiden carefully reached up to cup his hand around the baby boy's much, much tinier one and he smiled weakly at him. His muscles felt like they had all been stretched out and banged with one of those meat tenderisers. He also still had a lot of cuts up his arm and side of his chest from glass. At least, that's what the story seemed to be. He could only take peoples' word on it for now. "I haven't seen it, but I can feel it. I would say it doesn't feel like my throat's been cut, but it does," he had to admit. His eyes shifted back over to Patrick, the lights on that side of the room dimmed and everything, including chairs, moved away from the bed in case there was a sudden crash in condition. "No. He's not. He was? Was he? They said he was. Do you know if he was? But he... he's been ill, Lachlan said. It was supposed to be the MS, but last night he had like a personality snap and then couldn't talk. The hemorrhage he had that he's talked about before his diagnosis, it was apparently aggravated in the accident, something to do with clamps or something. I-I couldn't follow, but he was bleeding."
"Shh," Harri urged as she twisted her fingers in his hair as she played with Aiden's locks. They had gotten longer while she wasn't looking. She watched his hand around Campbell's and held back a sigh. Some days she still wondered if he really did forgive her for getting her uterus hijacked by James' sperm. She looked at her son though, and she knew she honestly didn't want to take it back as much as she had wanted to give Aiden a chance at being a father. "Yes, he was. He was awake. He was just worried about you. He was... well, he was like you are now. Minus the throat thing. I think he was feeling the burden of the accident. Cameron had been with him, pretty much stuck by him. Lachlan, too. I'm sure they can fix it, love. He'll get better. He has to."
It was true, Aiden had let his hair grow out again, it always having a tendency of going curly and a lighter blond when he did. Time just got away over the last few months, and to be honest, he had a complete and naughty obsession with the way Pat ran his fingers through it when they were getting it on. "Lachlan said Pat's adament it was his fault. I don't even... I can't... it's just all gone. I can't even remember being in the car with him, but Pat's told Cameron we were fighting. I don't know. I-I can't see it. I don't even know what we would be fighting about..." He swallowed, his eyes falling closed as the pain made itself know again. It would take a few days before the irritation eased. "After the last one, Pat had amnesia. He couldn't even remember Tara. It was like he was a different person. I remember Cameron telling me about it once before. What if he forgets me? What if he doesn't even remember meeting me?"
Harri moved to take the seat Next to Aiden's bed, Campbell giving a small whimper at having his hand lost from his godfather's. Harri rubbed his back and sat him in her lap so she was facing Aiden, and could still see him. "Aiden, love, I don't want to tell you not to think about this stuff, because I know you will. It's just not going to do you any good worrying about what ifs. Having said that, maybe if you just imagine the worst possible care scenario, it won't be the way it happens. Like Pat forgetting you. You've thought about it, so now it might not happen. The way I understand it with MS is that it can be unpredictable. Certain symptoms are recognisable, but there's still no guarantee what will happen. Is there anything different about the haemorrhage this time?"
"Smaller, slower," Aiden mumbled, eyes back on Pat. He always looked so small and weak when he was unconscious in a hospital bed. The mere fact he had a 'way' he looked in that sense made something bite helplessly in Aiden's gut. "They got it quickly. Lachlan said it looked like Pat banged his head on the steering wheel, it's probably when it happened. They just don't know if him hitting his head was before the crash or during it. Pat's telling everyone he blacked out and caused the accident, but what if he's just mistaken? I just... why were we fighting?" he finally asked her helplessly, getting teary again. It wasn't a question he expected her to have an answer to. He was just using her as a sounding board like he always did. "Things were good. At least, I think they were. He was happy, you know? He was an uncle, and Cameron was getting used to the dad thing. Pat was trying to help him with that. Things were going well."
Harri pressed her lips together as she gave a small nod, and then frowned again as she watched Aiden. "Did you... Did you talk to him about kids?" she suggested quietly. "It's probably the only topic I've ever known you two to have a disagreement on. We're probably never going to know what happened. Not really. You can't remember, and Pat's... confused. You're both traumatised, and hurting. Just give it some time. Answers aren't going to come straight away."
Aiden turned his head just a little so he could watch Campbell where Harri was nursing him. The whole issue of babies had been hard, especially with not only Campbell born in the recent months, but also Riley and Evie's twins, closely followed by Cameron and Izzy's. They were surrounded by babies and it had been doing Aiden's head in. It seemed to just make Pat want to avoid the whole thing even more. Like, if everyone else was procreating, why should they bother? Pat had RJ as a godson, and they both had Campbell. Maybe it was just selfish for him to want to follow suit and be a dad too? "I-I don't know. No. No, I didn't. I was planning on it, but I don't think I got the chance. I just... maybe it's all mental, anyway. I think he's right, it's too much. I should have listened to him and not pushed, not made him feel guilty. If the MS made him pass out and lose control of the car, it's all just going to be evidence for his case. I shouldn't be so fucking selfish and thinking about it anyway. It's stupid. He needs me, I should be focusing on taking care of him. If it was the MS, I should have known and seen it. I should have driven. It's my fault, not his. I promised him I'd take care of him and now look... look at him. I don't want a baby, I just want him to wake up."
Harri's eyes welled up and she held up her hand to indicate she was sorry. "Fucking hormones," she murmured before she went back to stroking Aiden's hair. Campbell gurgled, and she looked down at him. It was hard to believe he was four months old. Four months had already gone, and he was starting to develop his personality. Like the nude thing. "You can't blame yourself. How were you to know about his symptoms? Even you've said he's good at hiding them when he wants. If he didn't want you to know, you were never going to see. If he wanted to drive, you were never going to convince him otherwise. There's no point blaming yourself. He'll wake up, love."
"He's my husband," Aiden told her as his own tears welled up and spilled over before he had any hope of saving face and stopping them. "He's been my whole fucking world for a whole year. A year. No friggen babies, no pregnancies, no cheating exes, no nothing. Him and me, that's all. I was going to take him to Paris for our anniversary as a surprise, but that's not going to happen. He's my husband. If I can't even see he's sick a year into this, how the fuck really am I going to take care of him and a kid? I can't do it. There's no way I can do it. I was tired, it's why he was driving. He offered because I was tired. It's what he does. He puts everyone else above himself." He had to stop, his throat hurting from the effort of trying to force back the tears. "I try to understand all of this, I try to do all I can to help him. But sometimes, when he's not looking, I just have to stop and wonder why the fuck him. Why was he the one to have to suffer through all of this?"
Campbell started to wriggle in her lap, and Harri turned him around to cradle her boy. He obviously sensed Aiden's distress, and it was threatening to make Campbell lose it, too. In fact, they were all on the verge of losing it. Harri had to bite back a small smile when she could see the inappropriately funny side of having all three of them in tears. "I don't know, love. I wish I had answers, but I don't. Just because you can't take him to Paris now doesn't mean it can't happen in the future. It'll just have to be a delayed celebration. He's your world, so don't let anything change that. Even the doubts. I know it's hard, it has to be. I admire you so much for just taking it all in your stride, but it's okay for it to get too much sometimes. You're only human, Aiden. Even if you would love to believe otherwise."
Aiden looked over at Pat again, and it just made him have to fight the urge to start crying all over again. But he drew on that typical Lewis strength he always had and pushed it all back down inside, instead just swallowing again and slowly blinking back the tears that wanted to keep spilling over. He had seen Pat through a lot of holiday stays since they started dating. Hell, Pat was sick when they started dating, being a lot of what made Aiden all the more determined to fight for a chance with him. It had taken awhile, but he gradually got more and more used to dealing with his husband's illness, knowing how to nurse him and comfort him. The nature of the illness, it really did follow and up an down pattern. Some days Pat could be ill enough to confine him to bed, but other days he could be 100% fine and taking life in his stride. Aiden was just getting used to it, and then something like this happens to go and scare the fucking shit out of him and he didn't know how to cope with it. Part of him felt close to a break down, but the other part was determined to get the fuck out of that hospital bed to he could help Pat get better. He looked back at Harri, not saying anything at first. His blue eyes were tired and dull, it too hard to try and be perky when he was in this amount of pain. He didn't even want to think on the fact he had nearly died from a slice of glass cutting his throat. If he lingered on that, he'd probably go mental. "Where's James?" he finally asked quietly, eyes shifting to the baby in her arms.
Harri's nose scrunched up briefly and it was hard to hide the distaste in her tone. "California. He hasn't been able to drop his... business as quickly as he'd hoped. He had wanted to come back, but he just can't up and leave in the middle of something. I'll talk to him later, hopefully he'll just be able to get things at least wrapped up a little earlier than he was going to. I miss him already. I think Campbell does, too. How stupid is that? But at least he invited us along. I don't think he's wanted to leave his son at all. He'd rather take us with him, than risk not seeing him for a few weeks."
"It's his job," Aiden reminded her with a small cough. It was as frustrating as all hell for a guy who usually had the gift of the gab to only be able to talk in a hoarse whisper. "I can't think it would be easy for any parent to leave their kid in any capacity. When Lachlan comes by, he's often got wee RJ with him. Just second nature to want to be with your kid. But he's still SS. Trying to find the balance has got to suck, but he's still made for that work." He scrunched his face up and let out a sharp breath. He was starting to get a panicked sensation building inside him at being stuck there, almost like a claustrophobia. He wasn't used to be isolate. He wasn't used to being sick and hurt. He wasn't used to being in physical pain. He tried to shift in the bed, but everything just hurt. "I can't handle this anymore," he finally admitted to her, and it wasn't an easy thing for him to confess.
Harri shifted Campbell into the crook of her arm, and got up to sit on the edge of Aiden's bed so that she was closer to him. She gripped his hand, linking her fingers with his as she looked at him. "I know, love. I know. I'm sorry. Hopefully they'll say you can at least sit up soon. Maybe get a wheelchair. I don't know. I haven't even... I think Lachlan's done most of the talking to the doctors. I have to admit my head wasn't in the best place to listen. I just wanted to come as soon as I heard, and then I just kept wishing you'd wake up." She glanced around like she'd actually find a cot to rest Campbell in, but of course there was nothing. This wasn't a maternity room. She drew her eyebrows together as she wet her lips. "Are you sure I can't get you anything? Need your pillows fluffed?"
"I need a really big drink and some hardcore gay porn," Aiden joked as he looked up her. "Only thing is, I'm screwed if I get a boner. I'll probably give myself a free circumcision, and I've become fond of my foreskin." His eyes moved back to the other bed again and he bit his lip. "What would you do if James had some sort of accident, and it ended up that he couldn't... do the deed anymore. Maybe even couldn't walk. You still had Campbell and things just changed like that. What would you do?"
"Well, I'm hardly going to become responsible for you losing your foreskin. I don't need the guilt. So no gay porn enabling this time." Harri leaned forward to kiss his forehead softly, carefully keeping hold of Campbell. He gurgled again, probably wanting in on the kiss action. "I would stay with him. I realise sex has been a focus of my life for years, but I think I've finally realised there are greater things. He would still be able to be a father, he would still be the man I loved. Then again, someone's mental state would have to change knowing they might not feel like a man anymore. There are certain things you men need to do to feel alive. It would have to take time for him to accept. And I guess all I would be able to do was be there if he needed me, needed us. Just... love him."
Aiden nodded a little, listening to her talking. It helped to keep him grounded. "What if he was too injured to be much of a hands-on father?" he finally added, swallowing again to wet his throat. If felt like he had swallowed a cactus. A very, very big one. "That a lot of it was left to you, even taking care of him?"
Harri hummed for a moment thoughtfully before she automatically reached out to pick up the plastic cup with ice cubes. She tucked it in between her leg, and Aiden's side, and plucked one out to slip past his lips as she smiled a little. "I'm doing it now, aren't I? Even if you're not James. I never thought I'd have it in me to do that kind of thing, but maybe I do. Work would be... Fuck knows. I'm not sure you can work and be a full time carer like that. You choose one, or the other. There may be times you can somehow fit in a little work, but nothing full time. It would all have to be minor to be juggling a baby, and an invalid partner. I would still want him to know his son, of course I would. Just whatever level he was up to. His son would still know him."
The cold ice was a little harsh on his throat, but once he got past the initial shock of it, it was soothing and the relief was more than welcome. He had a small frown on his face as he thought over everything. "It could happen... if he's had a hit to his head, if there's been enough stress on his body from the car crash, there's a chance he might not wake up in the same form as he was before. Before, he fought it. He worked to keep his health, but things out of his hands, he has no control over. I always thought I was prepared for it, but I'm not. I don't know what I'm going to do if he's permanently disabled and I hate myself for that."
"It's okay not to know," Harri assured him. "You don't need to know everything right now. You need to rest. But you have me, you have us. You have Luke and Tab, and Lachlan and Tara. You're not alone. You just have to remember that. It's okay to need help."
Aiden wrapped his hand around her arm as he once again bit down on his lip. "Harri, you've got to help me not lose him. Please. Don't let me ruin this and become a weak fuck. I have to do it, okay? You've got to make sure I do. I don't want to be without him."
Harri nodded as she held Aiden's gaze. "Of course I will. Trust me, love, I will rip off your balls and feed them to an iguana before I ever let you lose Pat. He's been the best thing to ever happen to you."
Word Count | 4,694
For the first time since he had abruptly woken up to not only find himself choking on something stuck in his throat, but to be soon swooped on by countless people swarming over him in a panicked rush, Aiden found himself alone. Initially, he hadn't known what the fuck was going on, just that he was in pain, his throat was agony, and he couldn't breathe. Of course, the first reaction when you can't breathe and feel like something is lodged in your throat is to panic, which he did. It was all a haze now, though. Eventually Lachlan and Tara were there with him, Lachlan slowly and calmly telling him not to try and talk and to take small slow breaths to get used to the tube controlling his breathing. It wasn't easy. Like being told to walk on land in flippers. Tara's hand tucked around his as she stroked his fingers with hers did help, with Lachlan staying leant over him to try and coach the breathing. A small whiteboard was soon offered to him if he needed to communicate anything to them. All he wanted to know was where Patrick was, and that led to Lachlan doing the best he could to explain the situation.
It was surreal, and Aiden tried desperately to absorb it all, but he felt drugged, drunk and hungover all at the same time... none of which was helping the agony. It just led to more drugs, and more groggy haziness in his brain. It came like a deep blow to his gut though when Lachlan had stepped aside and revealed Patrick unconscious in the accompanying bed, well out of Aiden's reach. Aiden still couldn't be quite sure on all the facts, but Pat had been doing okay in the wake of the apparent car crash. As well as he could be considering the trauma, anyway. He had been waiting for Aiden to wake up, only to take a turn for the worst the night before. It started with a dramatic change in mood and personality, apparently exploding angrily at Cameron out of the blue. It moved on to losing the ability to speak and see, soon blacking out in the middle of a conversation with his twin. The MS symptoms he had been having had masked the fact there was a small bleed on his brain, the accident causing a relapse in the hemorrhage site from a couple of years prior. Despite the words of reassurance coming from Lachlan's mouth that they had clamped the bleed again, and Pat should be okay, how was Aiden really supposed to believe them anymore? He was always going to be okay. Monotonously, he heard it over and fucking over again. So, why was his husband unconscious in the bed beside him? A small bleed, about the size of a coin, but so fucking what? Aiden didn't understand the medical talk, and his own condition caused him to get angry and upset. He admired the Scot's resolve and stamina, though. He stuck it out, copped the onslaught, and stayed until Aiden calmed down, soon having more and more questions. How the accident even happened to start with. He couldn't remember any of it. The last thing he had recollection of was picking Pat up from work to leave for New York.
Now Lachlan and Tara were telling him Pat's MS had caused it? No way. It couldn't be. At some point, he vaguely remembered Lachlan requesting his permission to talk about Pat's condition beyond his family - specifically to their friends - but Aiden realised he hadn't answered. He'd been too confused and mixed up. He was now alone with Pat in the room, and he lay there, watching his husband for a countless length of time. He tried so hard to remember what had happened and how it all went down, but it was eluding him. There was a big gaping hole in his memory, and it was as frustrating as all fuck. He now had a stonger empathy for how Pat felt a lot of the time. Apparently Pat would be okay. They could get back on their feet. Aiden just couldn't shake the weird sense of unstable uncertainty surrounding everything all of a sudden. Nothing felt right. He put a hand up to his neck, which was still heavily bandaged. They had taken the tubes out, and his voice was barely there, more just a scratchy whisper, but at least he could talk and breathe now. He had so many questions, but even though he loved Pat's family, he had a deep yearning in his gut akin to homesickness for something or someone familiar to him to just give him the ability to ground himself and get through this without losing it.
Harri hadn't hesitated in coming back to the hospital to see Aiden when Lachlan's message came through. She hadn't hesitated in collecting Campbell either for the visit like the Scot had requested. Campbell, on the other hand, was apparently feeling a wee bit uncooperative as far as clothes went. He'd wiggled restlessly, determined to stay naked until Harri had finally got him to still as she sung - badly - to try and soothe him. Apparently the kid was already suffering from obligatory son-mother love, so the fact Harri couldn't sing for quids didn't matter. James was still in California on work, so she had just sent him a text message to let him know where they'd be, and that Aiden was awake. She hadn't heard back, so she could only assume he was okay, and that he'd reply when he could.
A part of her had hoped her partner would come back with her and Campbell, but she realised it was asking too much. James needed to be back at work, his stint of paternity leave over. She'd gone with him to keep him close to Campbell, even happy to pose as whoever the fuck it was she'd been just to play happy families for a little while. Of course the Brit inside her was screaming with hatred over California. She hated it. She hated the sun, the plastic quality everything seemed to have, and all the fucking falsities tumbling out of everyone's mouths. She wasn't a stranger to it in the fashion business, but this was worse. It was like talking to Barbies who'd attended etiquette classes for dummies.
She had been relieved to get back on the East Coast, even if it had been because of Aiden and Pat's accident. Now she was back in Princeton-Plainsboro Teaching Hospital with Campbell cradled against her chest, her baby boy's head resting against her breast contentedly. It was like he knew from instinct just to behave in this place. Like maybe if he didn't he'd find himself shoved back in her womb. She found Aiden's room, and looked between her best friend and his husband. Pat taking a turn for the worse was not something she had been aware of, and she bit her lip as she quickly moved to Aiden's side and held Campbell a little tighter as she leaned down to press a kiss to her BFF's forehead. "You had us worried," she murmured.
Aiden normally wasn't the sort to cry. In fact, it was usually only witnessing Pat in pain or upset that did it when that sheer helplessness started to set in. He had known what he was getting in for when he married Pat, and it wasn't the burden Pat believed it was, but that didn't mean Aiden didn't experience the emotions that came with seeing someone he loved suffer. He could carry a burden and still be affected by it. But seeing Harri with Campbell opened the floodgates. The only thing was, crying actually really hurt his throat, and it was enough to set him on a battle to fight it off the best he could. Tears were still trickling down his cheeks, but he managed to prevent breaking into a wave of painful sobs. "I just figured I'd get some free plastic surgery," he finally joked, sounding like some sort of bad horror film villian with the raspy words.
Campbell's blue eyes seemed to fix on Aiden at the sound of his voice, and the boy seemed to try and process whether it was still his godfather, or whether this was someone else. After a moment Harri bit down on her lip as she tried to stop herself from breaking down into sobs at the sight of Campbell's hand reaching out for Aiden. She held onto her son with one hand as she moved in closer, and brushed her fingers over Aiden's cheeks to clear away the tears. "Please don't start, love. You know that if you go, I go. Hormones are still kicking up something fierce. Bloody hate being a woman sometimes. Still, it was worth it... Just like the free plastic surgery was, apparently. They really have done an amazing job." She frowned as she turned her head to glance at Pat. "Is he okay? Are you?"
Aiden carefully reached up to cup his hand around the baby boy's much, much tinier one and he smiled weakly at him. His muscles felt like they had all been stretched out and banged with one of those meat tenderisers. He also still had a lot of cuts up his arm and side of his chest from glass. At least, that's what the story seemed to be. He could only take peoples' word on it for now. "I haven't seen it, but I can feel it. I would say it doesn't feel like my throat's been cut, but it does," he had to admit. His eyes shifted back over to Patrick, the lights on that side of the room dimmed and everything, including chairs, moved away from the bed in case there was a sudden crash in condition. "No. He's not. He was? Was he? They said he was. Do you know if he was? But he... he's been ill, Lachlan said. It was supposed to be the MS, but last night he had like a personality snap and then couldn't talk. The hemorrhage he had that he's talked about before his diagnosis, it was apparently aggravated in the accident, something to do with clamps or something. I-I couldn't follow, but he was bleeding."
"Shh," Harri urged as she twisted her fingers in his hair as she played with Aiden's locks. They had gotten longer while she wasn't looking. She watched his hand around Campbell's and held back a sigh. Some days she still wondered if he really did forgive her for getting her uterus hijacked by James' sperm. She looked at her son though, and she knew she honestly didn't want to take it back as much as she had wanted to give Aiden a chance at being a father. "Yes, he was. He was awake. He was just worried about you. He was... well, he was like you are now. Minus the throat thing. I think he was feeling the burden of the accident. Cameron had been with him, pretty much stuck by him. Lachlan, too. I'm sure they can fix it, love. He'll get better. He has to."
It was true, Aiden had let his hair grow out again, it always having a tendency of going curly and a lighter blond when he did. Time just got away over the last few months, and to be honest, he had a complete and naughty obsession with the way Pat ran his fingers through it when they were getting it on. "Lachlan said Pat's adament it was his fault. I don't even... I can't... it's just all gone. I can't even remember being in the car with him, but Pat's told Cameron we were fighting. I don't know. I-I can't see it. I don't even know what we would be fighting about..." He swallowed, his eyes falling closed as the pain made itself know again. It would take a few days before the irritation eased. "After the last one, Pat had amnesia. He couldn't even remember Tara. It was like he was a different person. I remember Cameron telling me about it once before. What if he forgets me? What if he doesn't even remember meeting me?"
Harri moved to take the seat Next to Aiden's bed, Campbell giving a small whimper at having his hand lost from his godfather's. Harri rubbed his back and sat him in her lap so she was facing Aiden, and could still see him. "Aiden, love, I don't want to tell you not to think about this stuff, because I know you will. It's just not going to do you any good worrying about what ifs. Having said that, maybe if you just imagine the worst possible care scenario, it won't be the way it happens. Like Pat forgetting you. You've thought about it, so now it might not happen. The way I understand it with MS is that it can be unpredictable. Certain symptoms are recognisable, but there's still no guarantee what will happen. Is there anything different about the haemorrhage this time?"
"Smaller, slower," Aiden mumbled, eyes back on Pat. He always looked so small and weak when he was unconscious in a hospital bed. The mere fact he had a 'way' he looked in that sense made something bite helplessly in Aiden's gut. "They got it quickly. Lachlan said it looked like Pat banged his head on the steering wheel, it's probably when it happened. They just don't know if him hitting his head was before the crash or during it. Pat's telling everyone he blacked out and caused the accident, but what if he's just mistaken? I just... why were we fighting?" he finally asked her helplessly, getting teary again. It wasn't a question he expected her to have an answer to. He was just using her as a sounding board like he always did. "Things were good. At least, I think they were. He was happy, you know? He was an uncle, and Cameron was getting used to the dad thing. Pat was trying to help him with that. Things were going well."
Harri pressed her lips together as she gave a small nod, and then frowned again as she watched Aiden. "Did you... Did you talk to him about kids?" she suggested quietly. "It's probably the only topic I've ever known you two to have a disagreement on. We're probably never going to know what happened. Not really. You can't remember, and Pat's... confused. You're both traumatised, and hurting. Just give it some time. Answers aren't going to come straight away."
Aiden turned his head just a little so he could watch Campbell where Harri was nursing him. The whole issue of babies had been hard, especially with not only Campbell born in the recent months, but also Riley and Evie's twins, closely followed by Cameron and Izzy's. They were surrounded by babies and it had been doing Aiden's head in. It seemed to just make Pat want to avoid the whole thing even more. Like, if everyone else was procreating, why should they bother? Pat had RJ as a godson, and they both had Campbell. Maybe it was just selfish for him to want to follow suit and be a dad too? "I-I don't know. No. No, I didn't. I was planning on it, but I don't think I got the chance. I just... maybe it's all mental, anyway. I think he's right, it's too much. I should have listened to him and not pushed, not made him feel guilty. If the MS made him pass out and lose control of the car, it's all just going to be evidence for his case. I shouldn't be so fucking selfish and thinking about it anyway. It's stupid. He needs me, I should be focusing on taking care of him. If it was the MS, I should have known and seen it. I should have driven. It's my fault, not his. I promised him I'd take care of him and now look... look at him. I don't want a baby, I just want him to wake up."
Harri's eyes welled up and she held up her hand to indicate she was sorry. "Fucking hormones," she murmured before she went back to stroking Aiden's hair. Campbell gurgled, and she looked down at him. It was hard to believe he was four months old. Four months had already gone, and he was starting to develop his personality. Like the nude thing. "You can't blame yourself. How were you to know about his symptoms? Even you've said he's good at hiding them when he wants. If he didn't want you to know, you were never going to see. If he wanted to drive, you were never going to convince him otherwise. There's no point blaming yourself. He'll wake up, love."
"He's my husband," Aiden told her as his own tears welled up and spilled over before he had any hope of saving face and stopping them. "He's been my whole fucking world for a whole year. A year. No friggen babies, no pregnancies, no cheating exes, no nothing. Him and me, that's all. I was going to take him to Paris for our anniversary as a surprise, but that's not going to happen. He's my husband. If I can't even see he's sick a year into this, how the fuck really am I going to take care of him and a kid? I can't do it. There's no way I can do it. I was tired, it's why he was driving. He offered because I was tired. It's what he does. He puts everyone else above himself." He had to stop, his throat hurting from the effort of trying to force back the tears. "I try to understand all of this, I try to do all I can to help him. But sometimes, when he's not looking, I just have to stop and wonder why the fuck him. Why was he the one to have to suffer through all of this?"
Campbell started to wriggle in her lap, and Harri turned him around to cradle her boy. He obviously sensed Aiden's distress, and it was threatening to make Campbell lose it, too. In fact, they were all on the verge of losing it. Harri had to bite back a small smile when she could see the inappropriately funny side of having all three of them in tears. "I don't know, love. I wish I had answers, but I don't. Just because you can't take him to Paris now doesn't mean it can't happen in the future. It'll just have to be a delayed celebration. He's your world, so don't let anything change that. Even the doubts. I know it's hard, it has to be. I admire you so much for just taking it all in your stride, but it's okay for it to get too much sometimes. You're only human, Aiden. Even if you would love to believe otherwise."
Aiden looked over at Pat again, and it just made him have to fight the urge to start crying all over again. But he drew on that typical Lewis strength he always had and pushed it all back down inside, instead just swallowing again and slowly blinking back the tears that wanted to keep spilling over. He had seen Pat through a lot of holiday stays since they started dating. Hell, Pat was sick when they started dating, being a lot of what made Aiden all the more determined to fight for a chance with him. It had taken awhile, but he gradually got more and more used to dealing with his husband's illness, knowing how to nurse him and comfort him. The nature of the illness, it really did follow and up an down pattern. Some days Pat could be ill enough to confine him to bed, but other days he could be 100% fine and taking life in his stride. Aiden was just getting used to it, and then something like this happens to go and scare the fucking shit out of him and he didn't know how to cope with it. Part of him felt close to a break down, but the other part was determined to get the fuck out of that hospital bed to he could help Pat get better. He looked back at Harri, not saying anything at first. His blue eyes were tired and dull, it too hard to try and be perky when he was in this amount of pain. He didn't even want to think on the fact he had nearly died from a slice of glass cutting his throat. If he lingered on that, he'd probably go mental. "Where's James?" he finally asked quietly, eyes shifting to the baby in her arms.
Harri's nose scrunched up briefly and it was hard to hide the distaste in her tone. "California. He hasn't been able to drop his... business as quickly as he'd hoped. He had wanted to come back, but he just can't up and leave in the middle of something. I'll talk to him later, hopefully he'll just be able to get things at least wrapped up a little earlier than he was going to. I miss him already. I think Campbell does, too. How stupid is that? But at least he invited us along. I don't think he's wanted to leave his son at all. He'd rather take us with him, than risk not seeing him for a few weeks."
"It's his job," Aiden reminded her with a small cough. It was as frustrating as all hell for a guy who usually had the gift of the gab to only be able to talk in a hoarse whisper. "I can't think it would be easy for any parent to leave their kid in any capacity. When Lachlan comes by, he's often got wee RJ with him. Just second nature to want to be with your kid. But he's still SS. Trying to find the balance has got to suck, but he's still made for that work." He scrunched his face up and let out a sharp breath. He was starting to get a panicked sensation building inside him at being stuck there, almost like a claustrophobia. He wasn't used to be isolate. He wasn't used to being sick and hurt. He wasn't used to being in physical pain. He tried to shift in the bed, but everything just hurt. "I can't handle this anymore," he finally admitted to her, and it wasn't an easy thing for him to confess.
Harri shifted Campbell into the crook of her arm, and got up to sit on the edge of Aiden's bed so that she was closer to him. She gripped his hand, linking her fingers with his as she looked at him. "I know, love. I know. I'm sorry. Hopefully they'll say you can at least sit up soon. Maybe get a wheelchair. I don't know. I haven't even... I think Lachlan's done most of the talking to the doctors. I have to admit my head wasn't in the best place to listen. I just wanted to come as soon as I heard, and then I just kept wishing you'd wake up." She glanced around like she'd actually find a cot to rest Campbell in, but of course there was nothing. This wasn't a maternity room. She drew her eyebrows together as she wet her lips. "Are you sure I can't get you anything? Need your pillows fluffed?"
"I need a really big drink and some hardcore gay porn," Aiden joked as he looked up her. "Only thing is, I'm screwed if I get a boner. I'll probably give myself a free circumcision, and I've become fond of my foreskin." His eyes moved back to the other bed again and he bit his lip. "What would you do if James had some sort of accident, and it ended up that he couldn't... do the deed anymore. Maybe even couldn't walk. You still had Campbell and things just changed like that. What would you do?"
"Well, I'm hardly going to become responsible for you losing your foreskin. I don't need the guilt. So no gay porn enabling this time." Harri leaned forward to kiss his forehead softly, carefully keeping hold of Campbell. He gurgled again, probably wanting in on the kiss action. "I would stay with him. I realise sex has been a focus of my life for years, but I think I've finally realised there are greater things. He would still be able to be a father, he would still be the man I loved. Then again, someone's mental state would have to change knowing they might not feel like a man anymore. There are certain things you men need to do to feel alive. It would have to take time for him to accept. And I guess all I would be able to do was be there if he needed me, needed us. Just... love him."
Aiden nodded a little, listening to her talking. It helped to keep him grounded. "What if he was too injured to be much of a hands-on father?" he finally added, swallowing again to wet his throat. If felt like he had swallowed a cactus. A very, very big one. "That a lot of it was left to you, even taking care of him?"
Harri hummed for a moment thoughtfully before she automatically reached out to pick up the plastic cup with ice cubes. She tucked it in between her leg, and Aiden's side, and plucked one out to slip past his lips as she smiled a little. "I'm doing it now, aren't I? Even if you're not James. I never thought I'd have it in me to do that kind of thing, but maybe I do. Work would be... Fuck knows. I'm not sure you can work and be a full time carer like that. You choose one, or the other. There may be times you can somehow fit in a little work, but nothing full time. It would all have to be minor to be juggling a baby, and an invalid partner. I would still want him to know his son, of course I would. Just whatever level he was up to. His son would still know him."
The cold ice was a little harsh on his throat, but once he got past the initial shock of it, it was soothing and the relief was more than welcome. He had a small frown on his face as he thought over everything. "It could happen... if he's had a hit to his head, if there's been enough stress on his body from the car crash, there's a chance he might not wake up in the same form as he was before. Before, he fought it. He worked to keep his health, but things out of his hands, he has no control over. I always thought I was prepared for it, but I'm not. I don't know what I'm going to do if he's permanently disabled and I hate myself for that."
"It's okay not to know," Harri assured him. "You don't need to know everything right now. You need to rest. But you have me, you have us. You have Luke and Tab, and Lachlan and Tara. You're not alone. You just have to remember that. It's okay to need help."
Aiden wrapped his hand around her arm as he once again bit down on his lip. "Harri, you've got to help me not lose him. Please. Don't let me ruin this and become a weak fuck. I have to do it, okay? You've got to make sure I do. I don't want to be without him."
Harri nodded as she held Aiden's gaze. "Of course I will. Trust me, love, I will rip off your balls and feed them to an iguana before I ever let you lose Pat. He's been the best thing to ever happen to you."
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