just_muse_me | 28.5.3. A moment of heightened emotions
28.5.3. A moment of heightened emotions
Co-written with sexyinscrubs
[Follows a few weeks after THIS]
Pat flexed and unflexed his hands around the steering wheel of his car and sighed as he he pulled up for the red light at a busy intersection. He wet his lips and glanced at Aiden sitting in the passenger's seat. "Are you serious? You want to do this now?" he asked calmly. "Right now? It can't wait until we get home?" He fought the urge to light up a cigarette, even if that was what his first reaction was. He did know sooner or later they would reach this point, but it was just something he wasn't sure he was ready to face yet.
"Home?" Aiden returned with a small snort and shake of his head. "So you can start being evasive again? Avoid the subject? Look, love, we're leaving her hanging. We haven't spoken to her since she offered, and she's avoiding us. We can't have this gaping hole of awkwardness. It's friggen uncomfortable. I don't know who knows, or who doesn't. The whole subject feels dirty and something that should be avoided at all costs and that... well, it fucking sucks, okay? I'm just laying it on the table here. If we're going to say no to her, we just say no and then at least the air is clear." He took his cell phone from the breast pocket of his tailored jacket, holding it up. "I'll call her right now. Thanks, but no thanks. Because I'm over it, Pat. I'm sick if you avoiding it, and me, and feeling like I'm walking on fucking eggshells twenty-four-seven. None of it's worth it if it's going to put our marriage to shit."
They got the green light, but the traffic was hardly moving, so he edged over the intersection and just got stuck again. The joys of trying to exit Princeton at rush hour. But they were going to their apartment in New York for a couple of nights while Aiden had a business conference. Pat had some days off work in a row, and he knew he needed to chill out. He was stressed, and that was never a good thing. In fact, he could feel his fingertips tingling, which was starting to creep up to his wrist on his left arm, and the sooner he could relax and rest, the better. "I thought you wanted kids," he said quietly, looking over at his husband again.
"I thought you didn't," Aiden threw back, pressing his lips together. "And here we reach the roadblock. I told you, over and over, if you don't want them, then it's not even an issue. I get why you don't, I get why you're scared. I don't want you hurt or guilty. It's not like we have an easy route getting a kid anyway, is it? It's going to bring stress. Stress causes issues, for you physically, and if it affects our relationship, how is it even worth it? Yeah, it was a bolt out of the blue, and I would be lying if I didn't say that I haven't been able to stop thinking about it. I haven't been able to stop thinking about what it would be like to be a father since Campbell was born, but not like this. Not while you're dead against it and barely able to look me in the eye when the subject comes up."
The traffic started to disperse, so Pat moved into the lane that headed towards the freeway exit to Princeton. He had been at work all day and he was tired. This really wasn't a conversation he wanted to have driving to New York after a long shift on his feet in the OR. But it couldn't be avoided forever, and Aiden was right. Back at the apartment, Pat would have just been too exhausted to even try to rationally wrap his head around it anyway. It was over a two hour drive to New York, and they had to talk about something. He swallowed to wet his throat, flexing his hands again in an attempt to ease the discomfort in his hands. "I'm confused," he finally admitted, keeping his eyes on the road ahead. "It wasn't an offer I expected we would have. And I know what you're going to be thinking. We had the offer from Tara and Lachlan, but that was never going to happen. Never. There is no way in hell Lachie would have survived seeing Tara pregnant again knowing the baby wasn't his. It would have killed him. Her pregnancy is something that is never going to happen again and it's sacred between them. I never even considered it as an option, and it wasn't that I just wrote it off entirely. I just never thought we would have a surrogate. But all that aside, I... don't think I'm well enough to raise a child. Do you know how fucking hard that is for me to admit? Yeah, Cameron was right. I wanted a family of my own my whole life. I wanted to be a father." He paused, frowning. "But that was before my diagnosis."
Aiden listened closely, but he couldn't stifle a sigh of frustration. He didn't know what tools he was supposed to use to fight this. He didn't know how to convince Pat otherwise, or if he should even try. This was so far out of the realms to anything he ever had to deal with, and he felt like he was losing his footing. "So, it's irrelevant that you're the same person? That you still must harbour those wants deep down? You're just going to let the MS stop you living? Having what you want? We can do this, love. We'll have help, there's ways we can do it," he added helplessly, resting his hand on Pat's thigh and giving it a small squeeze.
"I'm not the same person!" Pat snapped abruptly, eyes flashing as he threw a glare at Aiden. "Why can't anyone fucking understand that?! You didn't know me before! How can you even judge me on something like that?! Whoever I was before? Fucking gone, okay? Gone. Most mornings I'm thankful to wake up with mobility, I'm thankful to be able to remember what I had for breakfast, I'm thankful I can say my own name without drooling, I'm thankful I haven't pissed myself! What I want now and what I wanted then aren't even in the same fucking realm anymore! What I wanted then were normal wants and dreams... they might have even been possible back then. But I'm not normal anymore! I'm ill. What I want more than anything right now is to just stay well! To enjoy a capable life as long as I have it, because tomorrow? I might fucking wake up without it! I might not-" He stopped abruptly when an unexpected wave of dizziness hit him and he realised he couldn't feel Aiden's hand on his leg. He didn't even have a chance to warn his husband that something was wrong. His foot slipped off the accelerator and a blackness rapidly started to engulf his vision as he lost his grip on the wheel. He only had the vaguest of awareness that Aiden was shouting something, but it sounded muffled and distant when his head dropped forward to hit the edge of the wheel as he passed out, sending the car careening into the parallel lane and crashing into the safety barrier with a sickening crunch.
Word Count | 1,246
Co-written with sexyinscrubs
[Follows a few weeks after THIS]
Pat flexed and unflexed his hands around the steering wheel of his car and sighed as he he pulled up for the red light at a busy intersection. He wet his lips and glanced at Aiden sitting in the passenger's seat. "Are you serious? You want to do this now?" he asked calmly. "Right now? It can't wait until we get home?" He fought the urge to light up a cigarette, even if that was what his first reaction was. He did know sooner or later they would reach this point, but it was just something he wasn't sure he was ready to face yet.
"Home?" Aiden returned with a small snort and shake of his head. "So you can start being evasive again? Avoid the subject? Look, love, we're leaving her hanging. We haven't spoken to her since she offered, and she's avoiding us. We can't have this gaping hole of awkwardness. It's friggen uncomfortable. I don't know who knows, or who doesn't. The whole subject feels dirty and something that should be avoided at all costs and that... well, it fucking sucks, okay? I'm just laying it on the table here. If we're going to say no to her, we just say no and then at least the air is clear." He took his cell phone from the breast pocket of his tailored jacket, holding it up. "I'll call her right now. Thanks, but no thanks. Because I'm over it, Pat. I'm sick if you avoiding it, and me, and feeling like I'm walking on fucking eggshells twenty-four-seven. None of it's worth it if it's going to put our marriage to shit."
They got the green light, but the traffic was hardly moving, so he edged over the intersection and just got stuck again. The joys of trying to exit Princeton at rush hour. But they were going to their apartment in New York for a couple of nights while Aiden had a business conference. Pat had some days off work in a row, and he knew he needed to chill out. He was stressed, and that was never a good thing. In fact, he could feel his fingertips tingling, which was starting to creep up to his wrist on his left arm, and the sooner he could relax and rest, the better. "I thought you wanted kids," he said quietly, looking over at his husband again.
"I thought you didn't," Aiden threw back, pressing his lips together. "And here we reach the roadblock. I told you, over and over, if you don't want them, then it's not even an issue. I get why you don't, I get why you're scared. I don't want you hurt or guilty. It's not like we have an easy route getting a kid anyway, is it? It's going to bring stress. Stress causes issues, for you physically, and if it affects our relationship, how is it even worth it? Yeah, it was a bolt out of the blue, and I would be lying if I didn't say that I haven't been able to stop thinking about it. I haven't been able to stop thinking about what it would be like to be a father since Campbell was born, but not like this. Not while you're dead against it and barely able to look me in the eye when the subject comes up."
The traffic started to disperse, so Pat moved into the lane that headed towards the freeway exit to Princeton. He had been at work all day and he was tired. This really wasn't a conversation he wanted to have driving to New York after a long shift on his feet in the OR. But it couldn't be avoided forever, and Aiden was right. Back at the apartment, Pat would have just been too exhausted to even try to rationally wrap his head around it anyway. It was over a two hour drive to New York, and they had to talk about something. He swallowed to wet his throat, flexing his hands again in an attempt to ease the discomfort in his hands. "I'm confused," he finally admitted, keeping his eyes on the road ahead. "It wasn't an offer I expected we would have. And I know what you're going to be thinking. We had the offer from Tara and Lachlan, but that was never going to happen. Never. There is no way in hell Lachie would have survived seeing Tara pregnant again knowing the baby wasn't his. It would have killed him. Her pregnancy is something that is never going to happen again and it's sacred between them. I never even considered it as an option, and it wasn't that I just wrote it off entirely. I just never thought we would have a surrogate. But all that aside, I... don't think I'm well enough to raise a child. Do you know how fucking hard that is for me to admit? Yeah, Cameron was right. I wanted a family of my own my whole life. I wanted to be a father." He paused, frowning. "But that was before my diagnosis."
Aiden listened closely, but he couldn't stifle a sigh of frustration. He didn't know what tools he was supposed to use to fight this. He didn't know how to convince Pat otherwise, or if he should even try. This was so far out of the realms to anything he ever had to deal with, and he felt like he was losing his footing. "So, it's irrelevant that you're the same person? That you still must harbour those wants deep down? You're just going to let the MS stop you living? Having what you want? We can do this, love. We'll have help, there's ways we can do it," he added helplessly, resting his hand on Pat's thigh and giving it a small squeeze.
"I'm not the same person!" Pat snapped abruptly, eyes flashing as he threw a glare at Aiden. "Why can't anyone fucking understand that?! You didn't know me before! How can you even judge me on something like that?! Whoever I was before? Fucking gone, okay? Gone. Most mornings I'm thankful to wake up with mobility, I'm thankful to be able to remember what I had for breakfast, I'm thankful I can say my own name without drooling, I'm thankful I haven't pissed myself! What I want now and what I wanted then aren't even in the same fucking realm anymore! What I wanted then were normal wants and dreams... they might have even been possible back then. But I'm not normal anymore! I'm ill. What I want more than anything right now is to just stay well! To enjoy a capable life as long as I have it, because tomorrow? I might fucking wake up without it! I might not-" He stopped abruptly when an unexpected wave of dizziness hit him and he realised he couldn't feel Aiden's hand on his leg. He didn't even have a chance to warn his husband that something was wrong. His foot slipped off the accelerator and a blackness rapidly started to engulf his vision as he lost his grip on the wheel. He only had the vaguest of awareness that Aiden was shouting something, but it sounded muffled and distant when his head dropped forward to hit the edge of the wheel as he passed out, sending the car careening into the parallel lane and crashing into the safety barrier with a sickening crunch.
Word Count | 1,246