Fic: Destiny Always Finds You (5/?)
Title: Destiny Always Finds You
Author: mpregloveranon
Pairing: Jensen /Jared, Dean/Sam
Rating: NC-17
Warnings: RPS/SPN crossover AU, Mpreg, H/C, teen pregnancy, graphic birth, hurt!Dean, supportive!Jensen, supportive!Jared…
Disclaimer: I just own a kinky imagination. The characters belong to themselves OR to the CW, Kripke and whoever else rightfully is making money with them. No intentions to treat on anyone’s toes with this.
Summary: Jensen is driving home after working a long, exhausting shift at the ER. He just wants to spend a little quality time with Jared and then sleep but apparently destiny has something else in hand for him.
Without wanting to spoil anything, I just want to mention that the first scene was inspried by two different older prompts on the spnkink_meme. If anyone recognizes their prompt, thank you for the inspiration! :)
More special thanks go to trytofly5 for our talk that gave me the idea to try and write this crossover and, last but certainly not least, sexytexanjra! Thank you so much for discussing this fic with me and helping me editing it, Hon!
Hey guys, first of all I want to thank everybody who read and commented on my BigBang fic! Thank you so much for all the awesome feedback it really made the whole BigBang experience even better and I hope to be able to participate on BB2011! ;)
So here's chapter 5. The last week has been really draining on physical and emotional levels and I think it reflects a bit in this chapter. Nonetheless I hope you enjoy the update and I'll try to get more written as soon as I can. ;)
Previous Chapters: 1 2 3 4
Almost a whole week later things were looking up already.
Dean was feeling almost like himself again. The cramps had eased off considerably and he wasn’t feeling so sore now, finally able to move around without having to lean on anyone or anything.
He was sitting on the sofa and had just finished feeding Sean. Apparently breastfeeding was back-breaking work and he felt pretty tired like he did most of the time but Jared had assured him that he just needed to up his calorie intake to compensate for the energy that went into feeding Sean and he would be fine. Looking down at the peacefully sleeping baby in his arms, Dean carefully slipped down onto the sofa, cradling his son to his chest as he got ready for a short nap.
Just then the front door swung open, announcing that Jared was home after his shift.
“Hey, Dean. How was your day?” Jared asked cheerfully, when he reached the living-room. He and Jensen had been working alternate shifts, so that there was always one of them home to keep an eye on Dean and the baby if either needed anything.
“Good… Just finished feeding Sean,” the teen replied trying to shake off his tiredness.
Jared nodded, walking over to the kitchen to poor himself a cup of coffee. “How about lunch? I’m not in the mood to cook but we can order something. What are you in the mood for?”
“Pizza…” Dean answered cautiously not used to anything fancy but not sure if Jared and Jensen ate fast food.
“Yeah, pizza sounds good. Where’s Jensen?” the older man realized that the house was eerily quiet and he hadn’t seen his boyfriend, yet.
Dean pointed down the hall to the master bedroom. “We had breakfast together and watched some TV, then he went to your room, saying he had to take care of something…”
“Alright, I’ll just go and ask him what he wants on his pizza while you can decide what you want. Be right back,” Jared winked before turning around to walk down the hall to Jensen’s and his room.
*
Jensen sat on the closed toilet seat and stared at the small, white plastic stick through the haze of unshed tears. Only one line. One line meant negative. He usually double checked but he couldn’t bring himself to take another test right now because he already knew what the outcome would be. He had done this and been disappointed so many times that he should really not care by now and just accept the fact that he wouldn’t be able to get pregnant. Still he couldn’t get over himself and kept trying, hoping that it could still happen. That he could one day give Jared the child he longed for and not feel like a complete failure anymore.
Wiping at his wet eyes angrily, Jensen slowly got up and shuffled back into the bedroom, where he kept his journal. He sank onto the floor right next to their bed and pulled the small leather bound book into his lap, staring at the open page for several moments, too upset to do more than that. A couple of years ago when he had started writing in that journal he had actually written short entries to document what was happening, like a teenage girl writing in her diary, but when it got too painful to write it down explicitly and repeat the same depressing words ‘the test came back negative’ over and over again he had resorted to just write charts. Pages and pages full of dates and the odd few words in between them.
With a trembling hand he took a pen and wanted to fill out a new line but right in that moment the door to his room burst open.
“Honey, I’m home!” Jared announced loudly as he entered the room and turned around to close the door behind him. “I was going to order some pizza because… Jen, what happened?” Jared broke off, the smile on his face freezing as soon as his eyes caught sight of his lover huddled up next to their bed on the floor and crying. “Jensen!” He took a few long strides and fell onto his knees next to his boyfriend, pulling him into a bone crushing hug. “Babe, what’s going on?” he asked, scared by Jensen’s catatonic state. Holding his distressed lover close with one arm, Jared carded his fingers through Jensen’s hair. “What’s wrong?” he asked again before his eyes fell on the white test stick and realization hit him hard. Jensen’s tears weren’t happy tears so it could only mean one thing. “Jen, why did you take that test?” Jared was pretty sure that Jensen would have told him if he had been feeling any symptoms that might be hints for a pregnancy.
Jensen was still too out of it to acknowledge the question let alone answer it between the heartbreaking sobs racking through his body, so Jared tried to assess the situation by himself. Seeing the death grip that his lover had on the leather bound book, Jared gently reached out for it, scanning the open page with curios eyes to find out what it was.
“20th November - 2 days before ovulation; chances of conception: very high; missionary, no chance to elevate hips… 24th November - 2 days after ovulation; chances of conception: high; spooning, connected for >20min…” Jared read and his eyes widened in shock when he realized that Jensen had meticulously keeping record of their sex life and, considering that the current pages was close to the end of the book, he had been doing it for quite a long time. “Jensen!” he was at a loss of words, torn between the shock of finding out how devastated his lover was over the fact that they hadn’t been able to conceive yet and at the same time feeling betrayed by Jensen, who had apparently been planning their lovemaking according to his cycle. “How… Why…” he stammered, feeling his chest constrict when Jensen cried even harder, trying to curl up on himself.
As much as it hurt to see Jensen like that Jared couldn’t control his warring emotions. They needed to talk about things. He wanted to bash his own head in for not seeing how badly things had been affecting Jensen, how the man he loved had been breaking down under the growing weight he had burdened himself with right before Jared’s eyes. “Damnit! I thought you were getting used to having Dean and Sean in the house… You were finally relaxing around them and I… I thought we were okay… Why didn’t you tell me that you’ve been keeping tabs about every time we had sex for…” Jared pulled the book out of Jensen’s now lax grip and quickly thumbed through it looking at the dates. “…almost two years! Why didn’t you say something? I thought we talked about everything!” With every word passing his lips Jared got more worked up and his voice got gradually louder.
“I’m sorry…” Jensen finally replied in a broken whisper, not able to look at his boyfriend as he said it. He had felt bad about keeping secrets from Jared but he just didn’t know how to bring his worries and fears up. Deep down Jensen had known that his behavior wasn’t healthy - he was a doctor for Heaven’s sake - but he just couldn’t help it.
“I don’t want you to apologize, Jen. I want you to talk to me! Explain what’s going on… Why you’re doing this to yourself!” Jared was trying to calm down and watch his tone but he was still too agitated.
Jensen shook his head desolately. “I wanted to make it work… All these years I’ve seen you with the kids at the hospital and… I know how much you want a…” he couldn’t even bring himself to say it out loud, fresh tears springing to his eyes and sobs breaking from his heaving chest. “I didn’t want to fail you.”
“Oh, Jensen…” Jared’s voice softened somewhat as he saw the raw hurt and despair in his partner’s watering eyes.
Suddenly Jensen needed to get it all out. “I felt bad enough about keeping record of everything… I… I thought about getting fertility drugs but… you… you said you didn’t want…” His breath hitched and couldn’t finish his sentence.
Gently cupping his lover’s wet cheek with one hand, Jared made him look up, needing eye contact to make sure Jensen was listening to him.“I love you! You’re right… I’d love to have a baby with you but not at all costs, not if it makes you feel so miserable!” he explained calmly, pulling Jensen into a comforting embrace and just holding him close for a few minutes until he calmed down somewhat. He remembered how Jensen had once suggested a fertility treatment but the idea didn’t sit well with Jared, who feared that any medical treatment like that would only increase the pressure on Jensen, especially if it didn’t work out. “It’s okay. Try to stop worrying so much, Babe. Let’s take one step at a time and just see what happens. I love you no matter what, Jen,” he soothed, rocking Jensen lightly and planting soft kisses to his temple. “That’s all that matters.”
“I didn’t want to go behind your back, Jay,” Jensen mumbled in a shaky voice as he tried to control his breathing.
“I know, Babe. Just promise me that there won’t be any more secrets between us. We’ll get rid of that book and I don’t want any more pregnancy tests in our home. I want us to have sex because we love each other and not for any other purpose than that, okay?
Jensen sniffled but nodded his head again Jared’s broad chest. “I want that, too.”
*
Feeling a bit chilly, Dean had gone to his room to pick up one of the sweaters he’d gotten from Jensen and heard the raised voices and crying in the room two doors down from his. He had listened in for a couple of minutes before ducking into his room and sitting down in the neatly made bed, cradling Sean to his chest.
From the first morning he had woken up in that bedroom he had somehow felt out of place and none of either Jensen’s or Jared’s efforts to make him comfortable and assure him that he and Sean were welcome to stay as long as they wanted, had really been able to let him shake the feeling of intruding in their lives. He wasn’t used to staying in one place for too long, having always been on the move since he was four, and he didn’t like to feel dependent on anyone either, so he had sworn to himself that he would hit the road again as soon as he felt strong enough and had a plan where he and Sean could go next. So far he was physically feeling a lot better but he still didn’t have a clue what to do. It didn’t matter though, because now he finally had the proof that he was overstaying his welcome and he would leave.
There had been a few tense moments in the past week where he had picked up on Jensen and Jared exchanging odd, thoughtful looks and now he had heard them having an argument. Both men had done enough for him and Sean already and he certainly didn’t want to burden them with his presence anymore. He gently placed his son on the bed and started rummaging through the dresser picking up the few clothes he had been provided with and searching around for his sneakers to get dressed properly for the cold winter weather outside. Quickly throwing on the warm clothes, Dean figured that he would need to take some of the baby supplies because he didn’t have any money on him and Sean would need diapers and formula, since Dean was still having a bit of trouble producing enough milk for him. He felt bad for stealing from the guys but he told himself that it wouldn’t really hurt them as they both seemed to be making good money at the hospital.
Picking up Sean to collect the stuff from the nursery he quietly left his room again and crossed the hall. Noiselessly he opened the door and slipped inside, right away spotting a diaper bag sitting on the changing table. He didn’t want to lose time, preferring to sneak out and leave without anyone noticing rather than to have to explain why he was running. Holding Sean with one arm he started to stuff baby clothes, formula and bottles into the bag one-handedly but in his hurry he managed to knock the bottle warmed over. It felt to the floor with a loud rattle, making Dean jump and waking up Sean, who immediately started wailing at the top of his little lungs.
“Damnit!” Dean cursed, letting go of the bag to soothe the baby by gently rocking him and making shushing sounds. “It’s alright, Sean… Shhh…”
*
Jared heard the noise from the adjacent room and was alarmed. He gently disentangled himself from Jensen, who had cried himself to sleep in his arms, and carefully lowered him onto the bed without waking him.
When he got out of their bedroom he saw that the door to the nursery was wide open and peeked inside, seeing Dean rocking Sean in his arms and looking caught. Taking in the teen’s appearance, wearing pretty much all of Jensen’s old clothes on top of each other and the overstuffed bag on the changing table, Jared gaped for a few seconds before coming up with a question. “What are you doing?”
A blush crept onto Dean’s face and he averted his eyes, looking at Sean, who was finally calming down, to avoid direct eye contact with Jared. “I’m… We’re leaving.”
“What the hell are you talking about?” Jared couldn’t follow him just, yet.
“I heard your argument and… I don’t want to bother you guys any longer, so we’re leaving. Thanks for the help and stuff…”
Jared shook his head incredulously. “Wait, you’re serious, aren’t you?” He didn’t have to wait for an actual answer because the confused look on Dean’s face said it all. “Ohmygod, you really think Jen and I were fighting because of you! Okay… Let me set this straight. You’re not overstaying your welcome or anything. We had an argument but it had nothing to do with either of you two,” he explained, nodding at Dean and then at Sean. “I’ll hold him for you while you take off some of those sweaters before you get a heat stroke under all those clothes. Then we can move this into the living-room and I’ll explain it all to you. Deal?” Jared watched Dean expectantly and felt relief wash over him when he saw the teen’s reluctant nod.
“So what was that fight about?” Dean asked tentatively after handing Sean over to Jared. He just couldn’t help but be intrigued by the shouting he had heard.
“We weren’t fighting… I just got a little worked up about something Jensen did,” the older man replied vaguely as Dean started toeing off his sneakers to strip out of the second pair of sweat pants. “I actually got mad at myself but let it out on Jen… and I feel real shitty about it now…”
The honesty surprised Dean a little but he held his tongue and continued to shed the extra clothes he had pulled on only a few minutes before.
“Jensen‘s been hurting really badly for quite a while and I didn’t see it until today…” Jared went on desolately, bowing his head and smiling mildly, when he saw Sean staring up at him with big curios eyes.
Dean nodded because he thought it was the right thing to do and after a few moments of silence finally asked, “Why’s he hurting then?”
“You know… Jen and I have been together since college and once we got our jobs at the hospital… and got this place we’ve been trying to have kids. We know that I can’t get pregnant but Jensen… He’s got all the necessary equipment and he could but… but it hasn’t worked out so far and he’s really miserable because of that…” If he had thought that it was hard to talk to Jensen about this then he hadn’t had a clue how hard it would be to talk to anyone else about their apparent inability to conceive.
“Oh…” Dean had finally stripped down to one pair of sweats and a t-shirt. He had listened closely to Jared’s stammered explanation and could clearly see that Jensen obviously wasn’t the only one who was affected by their ‘problem’. “How long have you been trying?” He couldn’t really believe that it would be so hard to make a baby if he had fallen pregnant right after the first time he’d had unprotected sex.
Jared’s face darkened and not even looking at Sean could bring his smile back as he fought to keep control of his emotions. “Almost five years and Jen kind of blames himself…”
Now everything fell into place. While Jensen had been nothing but kind and supportive with him, Dean had always had the feeling that the older man was a little on edge around Sean. “I’m sorry… for what it’s worth…” he replied and this time he wasn’t just trying to be polite but actually meant it.
“Thanks,” Jared acknowledged his words with a short nod and gently placed Sean back into Dean’s arms. “Let’s get back into the living-room. You can pick out a DVD while I order pizza… What do you want on yours, by the way,” he tried to change topics in order to steer the conversation into safer territory and was grateful when Dean went along with it.
“I’m not picky and you’ll probably know better what’s healthy, so… I’ll check out your DVD collection.” Dean nodded towards the door and waited for Jared’s approving nod before leaving the room.
Chapter 6