FIC: Plan 9 From Outer Space, SGA, almost PG-13
TITLE: Plan 9 From Outer Space
AUTHOR: Myownspecialself
SUMMARY: Zelenka in sequins and an Elvis wig, Novak dressed as Cheerleader Barbie, and Kusanagi as Santa Claus. Definitely not your standard rescue operation, Lorne told himself as he adjusted his Mickey Mouse ears.
RATING: almost PG-13
GENRE: Gen (with frequent references to slash pairings); humor, crack!fic.
FANDOM/CHARACTERS: Stargate Atlantis/Major Lorne (his POV) and most of the recurring characters of Season 2.
PAIRINGS: start of Lorne/Parrish; references to McKay/Sheppard as an established pair.
WORD COUNT: 7,481.
WARNINGS/SPOILERS: Includes mention of recurring guest characters introduced in Season 2 ("The Intruder" "Duet" "Critical Mass"). Also mentions certain events of the first half of Season 2 (especially "Trinity").
DISCLAIMER: Written solely for entertainment purposes and not for profit.
NOTES: Written for xanphibian's SGA B-Movie Ficathon.
* * * *
un-beta'd
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Plan 9 From Outer Space
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
"I'm all ears," Weir said in her this-had-better-be-good voice. "Help me to understand why you need to go offworld and search for Elvis."
Her forehead was doing that wrinkly thing it always did when she was talking to the clinically insane, and Lorne shifted uncomfortably in his seat. This meeting had really been his bright idea. Well, McKay's, too.
"First of all, it's not clear that he's dead," Sheppard said in a lazy voice, and Lorne wished he had spoken up first and kept Sheppard from starting in with the wise-cracks. "As far as I'm concerned, the King is still alive. The evidence suggests he could be here in the Pegasus galaxy."
Weir's glare turned into a frown that was so severe that Lorne hoped for her sake that she followed a good moisturizing regimen. "Actually, ma'am, we don't want to go back just to search for Elvis," he said before McKay could jump in, and also to keep Sheppard from gaining momentum. "There's a lot that Dr. Lindsay wants to investigate in greater detail."
"That's right," Lindsay said quickly. "As you know, we found some very interesting murals and statues during our last visit to Nikkollodia." She leaned forward and handed Weir a folder of photographs.
Weir opened the folder and scrutinized the first photo, which showed a huge statue in the central plaza of the Nikkollodian capital. "My God. That looks just like… Elvis."
"It has to be Elvis. The sequins are a dead giveaway," Sheppard said, waving a hand in the direction of the photo; on a finger of the other hand, he dangled the Scooby-Doo keyring that the Nikkollodians had given him. "That, plus the sideburns."
"The next photo shows a close-up of the inscription at the base of the statue," Lindsay said, and Weir inspected the photo.
McKay spoke up. "It appears to be written in Ancient. A couple of misspellings, but definitely Ancient." He tapped his Bullwinkle fountain pen-- also a gift from the Nikkollodians-- against his palm.
"…don't you step on… my blue suede shoes…" Weir pursed her lips as she translated the inscription. "This is uncanny." She shook her head. "In fact, it's downright disturbing."
"Not as disturbing as the fact that they've never even heard of Johnny Cash," grumbled Sheppard. "It's always Elvis this and Elvis that."
"There are numerous statues of this Elvis-like being throughout the capital and in the provinces, too, which indicates he's rather important to the Nikkollodians," said Lindsay. "We believe that they revere him as a supreme deity. 'Supreme' as in the ruler of all the, um, other deities, whom we'll want to investigate in detail as well."
"Other deities?"
"Yes," said Lindsay, as she started to toy with the Nikkollodian Winnie-the-Pooh locket that hung from a chain around her neck. "Dr. Zhang has been researching the Atlantis databases, and she found and translated many of the Ancients' references to Nikkollodian pantheism. And of course the artwork we've seen offworld strongly supports this idea of a hierarchy of gods."
Weir looked at the next two photos. Her eyebrows rose. "Is that Santa Claus?"
"It is," Lindsay said. "It's from a mural in the Nikkollodian presidential palace."
Teyla, who was holding a pale pink and periwinkle-blue Barbie binder notebook (which the Nikkollodians had offered first to Lorne and which he had graciously declined because, hello, pink) in her lap, finally spoke up: "The Nikkollodians are one of the most colorful peoples in the galaxy." She paused. "They are different from many of the other planets in that they have somehow combined their worship of this god, this Elvis, as you call him, and the other gods, with the legends of the Ancients. They now believe these gods," and here she pointed to all the photos, "to be the Ancients themselves. To us, the Nikkollodians may seem somewhat naïve and childlike-- even gullible-- but they are generally considered to be friendly and non-violent."
"I see," Weir said, and she seemed almost overwhelmed. She looked at the next photo and then pointed. "Mary Poppins. I used to adore Mary Poppins when I was little," she said, almost as if to herself.
Lorne, too, had idolized Mary Poppins-- up until the end of sixth grade, actually-- but he very wisely did not share this information. Instead he said, "There is a more serious side to this, ma'am, in that if indeed these Nikkollodian deities are somehow derived from Earth's popular culture, we'll want to know how they got to Pegasus, and also, it may become crucial for us to find out if--"
"--any other kind of information from Earth leaked into Pegasus." Weir bit her lip and nodded. "Good point." She looked at the last photo. "So this mural here… who's this big fellow with the strange moustache and the odd helmet standing between Gilligan and Mary Ann?"
"That's Obelix," McKay said, "of Asterix and Obelix fame. He's probably not as well known amongst you Americans, but he's very popular in Canada. And Europe. And the rest of, well, civilized Earth."
"I can't believe it. This is like some cheesy sci-fi TV show." Weir shook her head. "If you tell me there's a mosaic or a fresco with Alvin and the Chipmunks on it, I may scream."
"Then get ready to scream, ma'am," Lorne replied almost gleefully, "because they worship Alvin, Theodore, Simon and Dave Seville. They're on the backpack the Nikkollodians gave me." He proudly held up his recent acquisition.
"Hey," Sheppard said indignantly, "how come they gave you a backpack and all I got was this chintzy Scooby-Doo keyring and a Flintstones mouse pad?"
"You can have my backpack," McKay said in a conciliatory tone. "I'm not a big fan of rodents." He turned back to Weir and continued on track: "It boggles the mind to think how the Nikkollodians may have acquired these particular cultural icons. Now," he held up a finger, "Simpson and Kavanagh have started working-- together, if you can believe it-- on some sort of theory about rips and tears in the time-space continuum and random fragments of stray VHF and UHF transmissions from Earth. Personally, I don't see how the laws of physics, even as idiosyncratic as they are in this galaxy, could possibly account for that."
"Says the man with the Bullwinkle pen who helps fight space vampires." Sheppard rolled his eyes and snickered. "Clearly E.T. had something to do with it. I defy you to tell me he didn't do more than just dial home."
Lorne raised his eyebrows and said in his most reproving tone, "Colonel, sir…"
Sheppard cleared his throat. "Right. Sorry. Whatever the explanation is, we need to think about whether information about Earth-related items would become dangerous in the hands of the Nikkollodians. What if they start sharing it with other planets?" Suddenly (and surprisingly) Sheppard was no longer the class clown and his tone was very business-like. "What if the Genii or the Wraith came across that information? What if they discovered the data conduit, or whatever it is?"
"There's something else, too," McKay said as he brought out a sheaf of graphs. "I analyzed the energy readings I took in the central plaza, and there's an anomaly-- one that I recognized right away, I might add-- in the readings."
Weir took the graphs from McKay's outstretched hand. "Where have you seen this anomaly before?"
McKay cleared his throat. "On Doranda. The Ancients' military lab." He didn't look at Weir as he said it.
"I see." Weir didn't look happy at all at the possibility of yet another decimated solar system.
"This could become a strategic concern," Sheppard said. "If it turns out there's another Project Arcturus on Nikkollodia, then we probably want to consider disabling it-- discreetly, of course-- before the Nikkollodians try to do activate it. We all know how dangerous that kind of technology is. Anyway, another visit to the planet would be the only way to know for sure if such a weapon does indeed exist and whether we need to take any action."
"If nothing else, we think we can get a ZPM out of the deal." Lorne said, and McKay nodded enthusiastically.
"Plus some of those Pokemon air fresheners for the puddlejumpers," Sheppard said.
Weir arched an eyebrow. "Air fresheners?"
"Have you ever ridden for eight hours in a puddlejumper with a bunch of sweaty marines?" Sheppard made a face. "It's like being trapped in the men's locker room."
"I should also mention," Teyla said, "that Nikkollodian agriculture is somewhat advanced. They cultivate a variety of grains, many of which are similar to those of the Athosians and the Earth people."
Lorne nodded. "The grain is always a good thing to keep in mind, given the Athosians' lower-than-expected crop yields that Dr. Parrish observed after he visited the mainland last month."
"I… I don't know what to say," Weir shut her eyes and rubbed her forehead. She looked like she was in one of those commercials for sinus headache medications.
"Say 'yes.' Say we can go back for a week," McKay said. "The data we can gather will be invaluable for any field of study, whether it's one of the true sciences such as astrophysics or quantum mechanics or one of the voodoo disciplines like, you know, anthropology or linguistics."
Sheppard snorted. "Or cartooning."
"So where did you tell the Nikkollodians you were from?" Weir said suddenly. "We haven't really stopped representing to the rest of the galaxy that Atlantis no longer exists."
"We said we were from, er, Sitnalta," McKay said, and when Weir looked at him, he added in a somewhat defensive tone, "it was the best I could come up with on short notice. And we don't believe they're sophisticated enough to write it backwards and figure out the truth."
"Didn't they wonder why they had never heard of… Sitnalta?"
Sheppard shrugged. "They're fairly naive when it comes to astronomy, too. It was easy to convince them that it's a planet that sits in one of the uncharted regions of the galaxy."
Weir's frown faded slowly and she was silent for several long seconds. Then she nodded. "Okay. It's a go."
Lorne, Teyla, and Lindsay smiled at one another. McKay and Sheppard exchanged a high-five.
"So. In summary," Weir said as she counted off on her fingers, "you will find out all you can about Nikkollodian culture; you will determine if there is any kind of intergalactic information leak from Earth to this galaxy; and you will see if we can pick up a ZPM and some grain. Most importantly, you will determine whether there is indeed another Project Arcturus, and if so, you will try to see how we can disarm it so that no one will accidentally activate it."
Weir stood up, and the others followed suit. "And Rodney," she said, but she looked at everyone else as well, "I don't want you to do anything that might even remotely lead to another Doranda."
"Understood," McKay said quietly.
"I almost forgot, ma'am," Lorne said, and brought forth a colorful cardboard box from his backpack. "We picked this up while we were on Nikkollodia." He placed the box in Weir's hands.
"I helped choose it." Teyla's smile was shy. "We hope it is to your liking."
Weir lifted a flap of the box and peeked inside. "Oh! A Hello Kitty desk set."
"It even has a Batz Maru staple remover," Lindsay pointed out.
"Well, thank you." Weir smiled radiantly at all of them. "I'm going to be the envy of every bureaucrat in two galaxies."
As they walked away from Weir's office and down the corridor, Sheppard smirked at Lorne. "You sure talked a lot, major. You weren't afraid I was going to ruin the deal, were you?" He was still twirling the Scooby-Doo keyring on a finger.
Lorne shook his head. "No, sir. My objective was to get the okay for another mission. We'll further our knowledge about the culture of possible allies here in the galaxy, and more importantly, we'll learn if we have to worry about Atlantis being compromised by information leaks."
He smiled. "And best of all, sir, if we get another ZPM we'll probably be able to free up one of the naqahdah generators." He couldn't help but wave his arms a little; he was starting to feel excited. "We could have enough power for things like DVD players in each person's quarters, so we don't have to use our laptops. Maybe even a wide-screen TV in both lounges. Maybe even in the cafeteria, sir."
"Major, I like the way you think." Sheppard's eyebrows went up and then down to indicate his approval. "Good work." Sheppard grinned, clapped Lorne on the shoulder, and then, still swinging his Scooby-Doo keyring, he walked off. Not to his own room, of course, but down the corridor that went past McKay's quarters.
Lorne watched him go. Even the back of Sheppard's head had a couple of tufts sticking out, and Lorne remembered that in his bathroom cabinet he still had that hair gel he had brought to Atlantis a while back. Maybe now was the time to try some on his hair and artfully muss it up a little bit to see if anyone noticed his new look.
And by 'anyone,' he meant Dr. David Parrish.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
At eight o'clock the next morning, a seven-person team assembled on the gate-room floor. The leaders of this mission were McKay and Sheppard. Teyla was going again, as diplomatic liaison. Accompanying the field scientists chosen to participate-- Parrish and Lindsay-- were Cadman and Ronon.
Sheppard came into the control room and approached Lorne. "Major, I hope you don't mind my pulling you off the mission." He tilted his head and peered at the top of Lorne's head. "Are you doing something different with your hair?" Before Lorne could answer, Sheppard added, "It looks good like that," and gave a nod of approval.
"So anyway, as I mentioned before, I really need you to meet with Colonel Caldwell and brief him in my place on everything while I'm gone. Do everything you need to do to keep him in the loop and keep him happy, especially as regards the mission to Nikkollodia. If he asks, I was already offworld when we got word from the Daedalus that they were going to dock in Atlantis a week earlier than expected."
"No problem, sir. I'll take care of the Colonel." Lorne wouldn't have minded at all babysitting the scientists-- he certainly wouldn't have minded babysitting Parrish, that is-- but Cadman had promised to snag a Bullwinkle T-shirt ("and a Flintstones mouse pad, if they have any left") for Lorne as a consolation prize. Besides, he found that handling Caldwell was an easy job. It was an easy enough job for anyone who didn't happen to be Lieutenant Colonel John Sheppard.
"If I may make a suggestion, sir," Lorne added, "you might want to see if you can pick up a couple of G.I. Joe action figures for Colonel Caldwell. That could get you on his good side."
"Thank you, major," Sheppard said. "That's an excellent idea." They saluted quickly, and Sheppard turned and trotted out of the control room and down the stairs to the gate room to join his team.
"All right, people" Sheppard said. "Here we go." He looked up at the control room and signaled to Chuck and the other two technicians, who started to dial the gate.
Just as soon as the dialing was completed, Chuck came and stood next to Lorne to observe the departure. From the control room balcony, they watched Ronon disappear through the gate. "They always come and go through the gate together," Chuck said when McKay and Sheppard followed Ronon after a few seconds.
Lorne nodded. "Nowadays they're practically joined at the hip."
Next to head through the gate was Parrish, whom Weir and McKay had decided the night before would be a major selling point in cementing relations with the Nikkollodians: Parrish's expertise could help them develop crops that were disease-resistant, maybe even produce higher yields. Sheppard had pointed out that Parrish's presence would also distract the Nikkollodians, which would allow McKay to snoop around for the source of the anomalous energy readings.
Just before he stepped through, Parrish turned around to look up directly at Lorne and gave him a smile and a thumbs-up. Lorne, surprised, managed to smile back and return the gesture.
"I saw that," Chuck said, nudging Lorne with his elbow. "Interesting how the good doctor signaled good-bye to you and ignored the rest of us."
"Yeah." Lorne thought about this for a second or two. "So do you think he likes me?"
"Could be." Chuck laughed softly. He turned to Lorne and was silent for a second before saying, "What is it about botanists anyway?" and sighed, and Lorne knew he was thinking about Dr. Susan Anders, the new plant pathology expert who had recently arrived in Atlantis.
The last ones to go through the gate were Lindsay, Cadman and Teyla; as they moved forward, Lorne heard Cadman tell the others, "This will be a picnic compared to the other missions."
Up on the balcony of the control room, Chuck turned and looked at Lorne's head. He grinned evilly. "So, um, what's going on with your hair?"
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
"That was no picnic," Cadman snarled twenty-four hours later as the gate shut down behind her.
Cadman seemed to have forgotten her P-90 somewhere. She had also forgotten her beret and her boots, and her Power Puff Girls stockings were clearly visible, but Lorne wasn't going to bring up issues of regulation dress right now, because what really concerned him was that Cadman apparently had also forgotten to bring back the other six members of her team.
"Where is everybody else?" Weir said from behind Lorne.
"The Nikkollodians are holding them hostage," Cadman said, and Lorne's heart sank.
Cadman went up to him and touched his arm. "They were all okay when I left them, sir," she said in a low voice. "Including Parrish."
She turned to Weir. "They let me go and sent me back to deliver this message." She reached into her back pocket and brought out an envelope. Across the front someone had written in purple crayon To Whom It May Concern. The three O's were smiley faces.
"My office, now," Weir said to Lorne and Cadman, as she took the envelope. She tapped her earpiece. "Dr. Zhang, Dr. Zelenka, Dr. Beckett. this is Weir. Are you available to meet in my office right away? We've got an emergency."
As they walked up the stairs and headed toward Weir's office, Cadman looked at the top of Lorne's head. "Sir, what's with the hair?" she asked out of one side of her mouth.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
"We will not harm the McKay as long as he cooperates and is successful in activating the Ascension Machine. It is time for the people of Nikkollodia to ascend and carry out the will of the Ancients. If the McKay does not cooperate and accede to the will of the Ancients, we will deal with the others one by one."
"'Ascension Machine'?" Beckett said as he handed the note-- written in purple crayon on Hello Kitty stationery-- to Zelenka. "As in the kind of ascension that the Ancients do?"
"I believe that is what they mean. Now, my question is, what exactly do they mean by 'deal with the others one by one'?" Zelenka scrunched up his forehead and he pointed to the phrase on the paper.
"We can't afford to find out," Weir said and gave them all a worried look.
"McKay slipped this to me when the guards weren't looking," Cadman said. "He told me to give it to you." She held out a small device to Zelenka. It was an MP3 player.
Zelenka took it and pressed PLAY.
"Radek, Elizabeth, Carson. Anybody." McKay's voice was low and soft, but clear and he spoke hurriedly. "Just as I suspected, the anomalous reading is basically another Project Arcturus-- and it's not in good shape. It appears to be even older than the one on Doranda and I have to think that the Ancients set it up on this planet when it was still uninhabited, and that naturally brings up the almost-unanswerable question of how the Nikkollodians, buffoons that they are, were able to navigate their way out of a paper bag and make it to this planet.
"I was able to activate the console, just to take some readings and that's when they caught me. They are a very confused people and they're technologically naive by our standards-- well, even by the standards of, say, Neanderthals, which is why it didn't occur to them to confiscate my MP3 player. They believe this Arcturus Two will enable them to ascend. They think that ascending is what the Ancients want them to do, and according to their mythology, that's why the Ancients put them on Nikkollodia centuries ago. From what Lindsay was able to confirm, their mythology definitely does involve Elvis and the other popular-culture figures and the Nikkollodians revere them to an extreme level. By 'extreme' I mean crazy, insane, and delusional.
"They plan to keep us here until I get it to work so that they can start moving on up to the next plane of existence. The system is so unstable that even if I got it to work, it would blow up probably within sixty seconds of activation. I can delay things for a while as I pretend to work on it, but sooner or later they'll figure out that I'm faking it and it's anyone's guess what they'll do to us then. For now, all the others are unharmed. I don't know how long they'll stay that way."
There was nothing else after that, and Zelenka stopped the player. He let out a slow puff of air.
The tension hung heavily in the room and they all looked unhappily at each other; it was Zhang who broke the silence. "I'll e-mail all of Dr. Lindsay's and my notes on the Nikkollodians to each of you right away. Our field reports, too."
"Thank you," said Weir. "We need to learn as much as we can about them. Especially their weaknesses."
"We need to come up with a rescue plan," Lorne said, looking at each of them, "and it has to involve stealth. We're still trying to fly under the radar to make the rest of the galaxy think we're gone. We can't go barreling in and have them realize that Atlantis still exists and that we didn't self-destruct after the Wraith siege." He looked at his watch. "It's 10:00 right now. I propose we meet again after lunch. Say 13:00. I'll ask Sergeant Bates to join us."
"Katie Brown, too; she's Parrish's second-in-command," Zelenka added.
"Good. Please make sure both of them know about this. I'll brief Colonel Caldwell," Weir said with finality as she stood up from her desk. "Since the Daedalus just docked here this morning, I'm going to ask him for assistance in carrying out the rescue mission."
As they filed out of Weir's office and started to disperse through various corridors, Beckett pulled up alongside Lorne. "Did you have a rough night, major, or are you doing something different with your hair?"
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Lorne rinsed the last of the shampoo suds out of his hair, turned off the water, stepped out of the shower, and toweled himself dry. He walked over to the mirror and raked his fingers through his hair it to get it back to the way he usually wore it. He grabbed the tube of hair gel off the counter and dropped it into the wastebasket. He dressed quickly.
As he came out of the bathroom, he glanced at the clock and saw that he had about an hour before the meeting for planning the rescue mission. He still hadn't finished reading Zhang's and Lindsay's field reports on the Nikkollodians.
His mind turned to that morning, when Parrish had given him the thumbs-up signal, and he ducked back into the bathroom and took another look at his hair. It was now half-dry and was back to the way he normally wore it. He wondered if Parrish would have liked his hair as much if it were wild and crazy.
There was a knock at the door of his room. He hurried out of the bathroom and crossed the room to open the door.
"Hey," Chuck said, holding up a plastic DVD case.
"Come in." Lorne stepped to one side. "What's that?"
"I thought I'd return this now before I forget." He thrust the DVD case in Lorne's hand. The front of the case had a picture of a screaming woman; behind her loomed a large zombie-like fellow. Across the picture, big red letters yelled PLAN 9 FROM OUTER SPACE.
"So what did you think?"
"It was the trashiest, silliest, most incoherent movie I've ever seen." Chuck grinned. "I totally loved it."
"What's not to love?" Lorne said happily. "A third-rate B-movie featuring wacky extraterrestrials who make strange creatures-- you know, like zombies and a vampire who isn't really a vampire-- rise up and frighten everyone. Just so they can teach a planet a lesson and to keep the silly and ignorant inhabitants from messing with a machine that could blow up the whole galaxy."
"Who could possibly believe that movie was--" Chuck fell silent. "What's the matter?"
"A machine that could blow up the whole galaxy…" Lorne said, and he could almost feel gears turning inside his head. "Strange creatures. Frightening the silly and ignorant inhabitants. It just dawned on me--"
"Dawned on you?" Chuck echoed.
"I think I know how we can rescue them," Lorne mumbled. "Got to write down some notes for the meeting." He started to root in a drawer for some paper and a pen, and then changed his mind and headed toward his laptop, which sat on his desk. He stopped suddenly and pointing at his head, said, "By the way, notice anything?" He sat down and started typing furiously on his laptop.
"Yeah." Chuck looked at Lorne thoughtfully and rubbed his chin. "You no longer look like a squirrel humped your hair."
"Bite me," Lorne said. Then, suddenly serious: "Hey, you can fly a puddlejumper, right?"
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Several hours later, Lorne stood next to Caldwell and Zhang on the crowded deck of the Daedalus and assessed the situation: Zelenka in sequins and an Elvis wig, Novak dressed as Cheerleader Barbie, and Kusanagi as Santa Claus. Definitely not your standard rescue operation, Lorne told himself as he adjusted his Mickey Mouse ears.
"Listen up, people," he hollered over the din, "just a reminder that-- hey, wait a minute-- where are the Kermits?"
"Right here, major," Halling said as he pushed through the throng. Behind him was Simpson, followed by Hermiod. All three had green faces and hands and wore green clothing. Katie Brown and Susan Anders, each carrying a large make-up brush and a container of green powder, were frantically touching up the back of Hermiod's head.
"Three Kermits?" Caldwell said.
"It's really rather interesting, Colonel. The Nikkollodian pantheon has a trio of disciples representing three different incarnations of Kermit the Frog," Zhang said. "They are considered the heavenly messengers, the spokespeople of the gods." She reached out and tugged Simpson's collar up to hide a small patch of flesh-colored skin.
"Why not Miss Piggy?" Caldwell said.
Zhang winced. "Not a good idea. Apparently she's considered to be the Nikkollodian, um, Anti-Christ."
Trying not to feel ridiculous in the red wool Mickey Mouse shorts (which were a little tighter than he would have liked) and the black turtleneck shirt, Lorne again called for the crowd's attention. "Okay. Let's review briefly. We will enter Nikkollodia's atmosphere in approximately fifteen minutes. We will ride in the puddlejumpers to the planet's surface and land in the central plaza. Showtime will commence shortly thereafter. It's mid-morning right now, so there should be lots of people out and about and we should be able to attract a large audience."
"Sergeant Bates and Dr. Beckett will be pilot and back-up pilot in Puddlejumper One. Riding with them will be Dr. Heightmeyer and Dr. Kavanagh, who are in charge of lighting and sound effects, plus the karaoke machine. The Kermits and Dr. Kusanagi will also be in Puddlejumper One.
"In Puddlejumper Two, Sergeant Stackhouse, pilot, and Sergeant Campbell, back-up. With them, Dr. Zhang and Lieutenant Cadman, who are in charge of special effects, including the fireworks. Also riding with them will be Dr. Anders, who is in charge of the soap bubbles. Dr. Novak, Dr. Zelenka, and I will ride in Puddlejumper Two.
"The rest of you will stand by here on board, ready to beam down in the event we need to improvise or run into difficulty. Do not hesitate to use your cans of Silly String or your Frisbees if the situation requires it.
"Both puddlejumpers and the Daedalus will remain cloaked at all times. Remember: our objective is to make the Nikkollodians believe that we are deities. Deities who are angered by the imprisonment of their favored subjects, the Sitnaltans. We also need to tell them that their attempts at ascension are wrong; we are telling them this so that they will stop trying to activate the Arcturus. We need to tell them all this in the loudest and scariest way possible."
"We will put the fear of Elvis in them," Zelenka announced, nodding vigorously.
"Exactly. So Kermits, Barbie, Santa Claus-- feel free to ham it up. The ruse depends on your performance." Lorne took a breath. "Okay. Once we find the prisoners, we get them in the puddlejumpers, we fly back to the Daedalus, and then we get the hell out of Dodge. Any questions?"
Zelenka's hand shot up, and the brusque movement sent a few sequins flying. "Major, your Mickey Mouse nose is about to fall off."
"Oh. Thanks." Lorne attempted to secure the bulbous black plastic object over his own nose, all the while trying to keep the elastic bands from tangling up his comm and earpiece. This proved to be more difficult than he had anticipated because his hands were covered by those bulky white gloves that Mickey Mouse always wore. Persistence served him well, and he was finally able to untangle everything and ask, "How's that?"
"Perfect," everyone chorused.
"I am confident that the Nikkollodians won't recognize you with a large black olive on your nose, major" Caldwell said cheerfully. "At any rate, they'll be too busy laughing at your shorts."
"Thank you, colonel," Lorne replied good-naturedly. "Okay. Any other questions?"
There were none.
"Well, I, for one," Zelenka said as he brandished his electric guitar, "am ready to rock and roll."
"ROCK AND ROLL," everyone yelled.
"For Athosia and Atlantis," Halling, Simpson, and Hermiod called out as one.
"ATHOSIA, ATLANTIS," everyone cried.
"Let's show them a new meaning of Merry Christmas," Kusanagi roared from behind her snowy white beard.
"MERRY CHRISTMAS," everyone roared back.
Everyone turned expectantly to Novak, who tossed back her long, blonde, fake hair to reveal an expression of extreme irritation. She was tugging furiously at her pink cotton briefs, which the cheerleader skirt barely covered.
"Which one of you clowns just gave me a wedgie?" she bellowed.
"WEDGIE," everyone shouted, and then it was time to go.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
All things considered (including the occasional wedgie), the rescue mission went rather well.
The puddlejumpers, fully cloaked, landed in the central plaza. Kavanagh and Heightmeyer played some thunder-and-lightning sound effects, and after a hair-raising barrage of fireworks and smoke bombs-- home-made from one of Cadman's recipes-- that seemed to come from out of nowhere and brought every Nikkollodian in the vicinity to the plaza, the Kermits went into action. They wore wireless body mikes, which enabled them to announce with sufficient dramatic flair the Ancients' dissatisfaction with the Nikkollodians.
"You have greatly angered the Ancients," Halling thundered. To express the gravity of the situation, he Kermit-flailed his green arms just as Kavanagh had taught him. From within Puddlejumper One, Kavanagh and Heightmeyer turned on a strobe light, and the crowd went wide-eyed with fright.
"You have displeased the Ancients by imprisoning their chosen people," screeched Simpson. She, too, flailed Kermit-like. More than a few Nikkollodians wailed while others fearfully muttered and clutched each other even more tightly,
"Klaatu! Barada! Nikto!" Hermiod brayed, and turned angry alien eyes on the crowd of gaping Nikkollodians, who started to clutch each other and whimper. "You have dared to touch the Sitnaltans. You must now face the ire of the Santa Claus," he hissed. He stepped aside, and Kusanagi emerged from the puddlejumper.
"Ho. Ho. Ho," Kusanagi yelled. "Your impertinent attempts at ascension are sacrilege. Ho. Ho. Ho."
A woman, hands outstretched, came forward and said, "Forgive us, o Santa Claus. We are a simple and humble people who merely wish to--"
"Silence!" Kusanagi commanded. "Don't make me choke a bitch."
Novak, resplendent in her cheerleader uniform, stepped forward and shook her big pom-poms [Author's Note: This is not a euphemism. Stop snickering. Kthxbye.] at the slack-jawed, trembling spectators. "How dare you seek to ascend, o Nikkollodians? You have shown us through your vile actions that you are not worthy of the higher plane."
A tall, officious-looking man who appeared to be the Nikkollodian president pushed his way through and bowed to them. "O great Kermits," he said, "O mighty Santa Claus, o divine Barbie, I humbly ask that you spare my people. Tell us how we may placate you. We shall do anything you ask."
Lorne stepped forward out of the puddlejumper and into view, and the crowd, as one, gasped very loudly. "The Mickey Mouse! It is the Mickey Mouse!" Many of the Nikkollodians knelt, and a few of the more terror-stricken ones obligingly wet their pants.
Lorne cleared his throat. "If you do not wish to suffer the wrath of the Ancients, take me to those whom you have wronged by making them your prisoners," he said to the president in his best Mickey Mouse falsetto. He ignored the muffled snickers and snorts that came from both puddlejumpers. "I demand to see the Sitnaltans now."
Less than ten minutes later, Lorne, escorted by the president and the trembling Nikkollodian cabinet members, found himself in a meeting chamber in the palace, and facing him was Sheppard-- who was bug-eyed in an effort to contain his laughter-- as well as Teyla, Lindsay, Ronon, and Parrish, all of whom had indescribable expressions on their faces.
Lorne turned to the Nikkollodian officials. Still using his Mickey Mouse voice, he demanded, "Where is the McKay?" and manfully ignored Sheppard, who, inconsiderate lout that he was, did not even bother to stifle a guffaw. Lorne shot a warning glare at Lindsay, Teyla, Ronon and Parrish, all of whom suddenly seemed to find the floor or the ceiling to be of extreme interest or else were taken with fits of coughing.
"He will be here shortly, o great Mickey," said the president in a fretful tone. "He comes from the Ascension Machine laboratory, which is underground beneath the plaza, by the far end of the palace."
From out in the central plaza there arose a commotion amidst which could be heard many cries of "The Presley, the Presley," and Lorne knew that Zelenka had finally made his appearance. Music started playing. It was 'Hound Dog,' the one Elvis song whose melody Zelenka was familiar with.
You ain't worthy of ascension,
You're too lowly for me.
You ain't worthy of ascension.
You're too lowly for me.
You done powerful wrong, so
No ascension for you.
Accompanied by two guards, McKay entered the chamber. From one hand dangled two bulging backpacks. He also seemed to find it hard to control himself when he caught sight of Lorne, but he quickly understood the ruse. "O great Mickey, I am ready to return to Sitnalta," he said, and then he dropped the backpacks on a nearby table and covered his face with both hands, his shoulders shaking.
"Ah, the McKay is overcome by emotion," sighed the president, and the cabinet members nodded sympathetically and murmured among themselves.
Lorne glared and sidled closer to McKay, who had not yet removed his hands from his face. "If you don't stop laughing, doctor, I'll leave you behind," he muttered in his normal voice. He turned to Sheppard. "You too, sir." Sheppard had the decency to try to look apologetic, but a sudden attack of hiccups-- brought on by the strain of not laughing-- derailed his efforts.
Thirty seconds later, Lorne, Sheppard, McKay, Lindsay, Parrish, Teyla and Ronon were bidding farewell to the president and the cabinet members (with a warning never to try ascension again. Ever.).
They headed out of the palace, and at some point Lorne became aware that Parrish was walking alongside him. Parrish murmured in a teasing tone, "Major, those shorts? Very snazzy."
Lorne felt a flush creep across his face and he looked at Parrish, who smiled innocently. "I'm just saying, major."
Lorne would have gladly continued the conversation just to see Parrish smile some more, but just then McKay handed one of his two backpacks to Lorne. "The Ancient equivalent of motherboards and network cards. I took out every single one I could find in the Arcturus. No one will ever be able to get it started." He gave the other backpack to Sheppard. "ZPM. Plus ten dozen Scooby-Doo keyrings. Sorry, I couldn't find any action figures."
In the plaza, Zelenka, who was truly enjoying his turn in the limelight, continued to gyrate and sing to the music that Kavanagh and Heightmeyer blasted from inside Puddlejumper One. From inside Puddlejumper Two, Anders had cranked up the soap-bubble machine, and the iridescent little globes floated out of the `jumper and into view to create a festive and magical effect, and the Nikkollodians were mesmerized: some swayed to the music while others tapped their toes.
You gotta be an Ancient,
If you wanna ascend.
You gotta be an Ancient,
If you wanna ascend.
I know you ain't no Ancient, so
No ascension for you.
The three Kermits, Santa Claus, and Barbie were now writhing in formation behind Zelenka; Novak had given one of the pom-poms to Kusanagi and they were shaking them in the air. Meanwhile, Simpson, Hermiod and Halling were dancing-- and surprisingly well, at that-- their respective planets' versions of the jitterbug.
"My God," McKay said softly as he and the others paused for a moment to take in the spectacle, "so this is what it's like to go mad."
"Dr. Anders," Lorne said into his comm, "keep the bubbles going so that we know where to board." To the erstwhile prisoners: "Follow the source of the bubbles." They all did, and disappeared into the `jumpers, and Lorne, just before he stepped aboard, signaled to Halling with a nod of his head.
Halling saw the signal and one by one, the Kermits, then Santa Claus, and then Barbie, withdrew into the invisibility of the puddlejumpers, and when the final chords of 'Hound Dog' had stopped reverberating, Zelenka bellowed, "Elvis has left the planet," and he stepped back and disappeared into Puddlejumper Two.
Cadman and Zhang launched a final, massive volley of fireworks, flash bombs, smoke bombs, and flares, and the Nikkollodians screamed and cowered; some of them threw themselves to the ground while others obligingly fainted.
Seconds later, the puddlejumpers were in the air and soaring onward and upward to the Daedalus, and in a few minutes, they were entering the jumper bay.
With any luck, Lorne thought, they would be back in Atlantis in time for supper.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
He leaned on the balcony railing and looked toward the west pier and then the east pier. The darkness slowly settled over Atlantis and he watched the city become its own complex constellation as the lights turned on one by one. The evening breeze came up and just as it started to wash over him, he heard slow footsteps approach.
"Major."
He turned. "Evening, doctor." He smiled, and Parrish returned the smile.
"I didn't get a chance to talk to you after the debriefing."
"Ah. Yes. Sorry. I had to return some, um, items to their rightful owners." He didn't really feel like explaining just yet that Weir had been very worried about getting back her Santa Claus costume, and Stackhouse had been the same way about his red wool shorts and Mickey Mouse nose and ears.
And he definitely didn't feel like mentioning that both the Elvis suit and the Cheerleader Barbie uniform (with genuine pom-poms) had been returned to Kavanagh, their rightful owner, and boy, wasn't that a story for another day.
"I just wanted to thank you personally for rescuing me. Us." Parrish came up and leaned on the balcony, not too far away, not too close.
"All in the line of duty. And I didn't do it alone." He turned and smiled again to encourage Parrish to stay and talk. "I'm really glad you're back."
"Not that I ever want to be held prisoner again, but I have to say that if it were to happen again, I would hope the rescue would be just as entertaining as this morning. And may I say, your Mickey Mouse impersonation… well, it just has to be seen to be believed."
Lorne groaned and buried his face in his hands. "Thanks, doctor."
Parrish clapped him on the shoulder and laughed gently. His hand stayed on Lorne's shoulder for a few seconds more, and Lorne looked at him through his hands because the hand had felt nice there. "Which brings me to ask: Major, how did you come up with the idea to use costumes?"
A chuckle escaped from Lorne's lips. "I got my inspiration from a movie. It's called Plan 9 From Outer Space. Ever hear of it?"
"I think I have. I've never seen it, though."
"It's an incredibly bad, inadvertently hilarious sci-fi B-movie. Mere words cannot do it justice."
"I see. Much like life here on Atlantis, then?" Parrish's hesitant smile blossomed, and Lorne laughed.
"If you like, I can lend you the DVD."
"I'd like that," Parrish said, now slightly closer than before. "Very much."
In the growing silence, they looked out across twinkling Atlantis-by-night and to the ocean, where moonlight reflected here and there, and it felt good to have everyone home and safe.
"Are you headed back indoors anytime soon?" Parrish finally asked. "I'd think I'd like to borrow the movie from you right now. I'm not doing anything this evening, and frankly, I wouldn't mind a couple of hours of mindless entertainment after all the excitement of this week."
"Sure, let's go." Lorne felt oddly buoyant inside.
As they walked down the corridor toward the wing where Lorne's quarters were, Parrish said in a voice that he might have had to work at to keep simple and calm, "You know, I've got a couple of beers in my refrigerator in the lab. If you don't have other plans…"
"I have a small stash of popcorn I could run down to the cafeteria and microwave," Lorne said, "I may even have some corn chips. We could watch the movie in my room. Meet you back here in fifteen, no, twenty minutes?" He pointed down the corridor at his door, which was now in sight.
Parrish nodded. "Twenty minutes? That sounds good."
"Only thing is," Lorne said, "we'll be watching the DVD on my laptop, so we'll have to sit pretty close if we both want to see the screen."
"Ah." Parrish frowned ever so slightly
Uh-oh Lorne said to himself, and then out loud: "That isn't a problem, I hope."
Parrish shook his head. "It just occurred to me that there may be a minor drawback. I could miss important parts of the movie if any, um, distractions were to occur. Not that I would really mind."
"Oh. In that case," Lorne said as he stopped in front of his door and tried to grin in the way that always made his dimples show, "you can always come back any time and watch the movie all over again. And again. As often as you like."
"Right." Parrish said happily, and he almost seemed to glow. "Twenty minutes?" he added, and turned and started sprinting in the direction of his lab. "To hell with that. I'll meet you back here in five."
~END