Fair Game
This is for diavestra, who is the inspiration for many things, the least of which is rule number seventy-five. With thanks to earthmagik, who is, as always, good for an honest opinion.
Title: Fair Game
Pairing: Billeh/Dom (gen)
Word Count: 1260
Feedback: Is welcome.
Disclaimer: I. Am. Making. This. Shit. Up.
Cross-posted to: glasgow_blue, fellow_shippers
There are six sheets of paper taped to Dom's fridge. Three are from a notebook. One is a page from the Towers script. One is a placemat from The Salty Dingo in Wellington. The last is actually a barf bag slit open and folded out. All are covered with scrawling script (Dom's) and neat print (Billy's) and they detail the many and varied rules of Pooka.
For example, belting out the 1970s classic Una Paloma Blanca in a pub where no less than sixty people are present wins you the right to wear the prized shell bracelet for two days without fear of theft. It's rather like the immunity idol on Survivor, only more embarrassing and easier to accessorize. In converse, humming, whistling, or tapping your foot to any Britney Spears tune at any time is immediate grounds for surrender of The Pooka. Even in the shower when you think no one is listening, as Billy was loathe to discover.
The game began six months ago when, on a whim, Dom bought the bracelet from a street vendor. Billy, also on a whim, stole it from him on the way to their five a.m. call three days later. The first rule of Pooka was and remains "Minivans are henceforth sacred space. Especially when Dom is sleeping."
Others include, but are not limited to:
No. 6 You may enlist the help of Elijah, Astin, or Orlando, but not Viggo because he is entirely too stealthy.
No. 8 At no time are naked women to be used as a distraction. Especially when Dom has not had sex for two weeks.
No. 9 Naked men may be used as a distraction, but only if they are not Bernard-- because no one wants to see that.
No 15 It is both acceptable and encouraged to get Billy rat-arsed drunk, take The Pooka, and write "wanker" on his forehead in Sharpie.
No 17 Billy may not shave any part of Dom while he is passed out asleep or drunk.
The latter does not relate to Pooka, exactly, but was instituted and is enforced by Peter, who refuses to spend one more nickel on prosthetic eyebrows.
Every time The Pooka is obtained, points are garnered. These are awarded by committee (Orlando, Elijah, and Miranda--because she has a soft spot for Billy) and are perfectly arbitrary, though they will insist that there is a system based on ingenuity, level of difficulty, and artistic style.
Billy once earned fifty points for managing to boost The Pooka at dinner while Dom was wide awake, stone sober, and distracted only by a whole wheat roll. To date, Dom has not managed to top this achievement.
The score sheet is taped to a mirror in the Makeup trailer and currently reads:
Billy: 907
Dom: 905 90,000
Dom's points are written in green eyeliner in his own hand.
Rule number thirty-two is: DOM IS NOT ALLOWED TO KEEP SCORE
Elijah's name is penciled in, but he has only six points. No one is sure how he acquired them, but rule number thirty-eight is "Elijah may earn a maximum of six points. No more, no less."
Rule number four reads "If you insist upon using Astin to sit upon Dom, he will be forced to kill you dead."
Rule eleven is "Bean may be used to sit upon Dom, but only if he has not been eating Mexican beforehand."
For a brief period during the Lorien filming, Cate was in possession of The Pooka because she is wicked, tricksy, and false. Billy was docked one hundred points for that one and they had to collaborate to secure its return. She's a lot stronger than she looks. Even in a flowy gown and elf ears.
Once, Dom used three rolls of gaffer's tape to fasten Billy to a picnic table and acquire The Pooka. He earned twenty points for ingenuity and twenty-five more for the compromising position Billy was taped in.
The Pooka may also be obtained through the straightforward means of an old fashioned drinking contest.
Rule number forty is "Orlando is buying."
Rule forty-two is "No fair making Billy drink shite American beer."
Rule forty-five is "If Billy vomits, Dom gets The Pooka for three whole days."
Since hobbits live far from the sea and are therefore generally unaware of the practice of wearing shells as adornment, a favorite method of acquisition is to lift The Pooka from the Makeup trailer. This, of course, lead to the creation of rules number forty-eight through sixty-three, which lay out the precise nature of whom the treasure can be entrusted to and which bribes are acceptable as method of gain.
Rule fifty clearly states that Billy may not sell Dom's body on the street to get money for Godiva truffles for Nancy in Wardrobe.
Rule fifty-eight states in an equally clear manner that under no circumstances is Dom to pawn Billy's surfboard, car, or watch to do the same.
At first, the rest of the cast and crew merely tolerated Pooka in much the way that fathers endure playing Barbies with their daughters. Gradually, though, they came to appreciate the subtleties of the game and, now, it is merely one referendum away from being declared a national pastime in Middle Earth. There are weekly betting pools, in fact. So far, Ian has raked in over three hundred quid by playing both sides of the fence.
Viggo and Orlando had "Team Dom" t-shirts made up at a shop in town, but their enthusiasm drowned in the wake of The Ballad of Billy Boyd, as sung by Liv, Bean, and Andy in Gollum's voice with Elijah and Astin accompanying on kazoo and bongos, respectively. The ode, when done properly is sung to Under the Boardwalk and, really, you'd think that a rock star's daughter would at least be able to carry a tune in a bucket.
Rule number sixty-six reads "Dom will give Billy The Fucking Pooka in order to keep Liv from singing."
Rule sixty-eight is "Billy may not request The Ballad of Billy Boyd. Ever."
There have, of course, been differences of opinion when it comes to making rules. Typically, these are settled in one of three ways:
1. Arm wrestling.
2. A coin toss.
3. Sitting on Billy until he admits that he's being an unreasonable prick.
Infrequently, disputes are brought to Ian for binding arbitration. This rarely results in happiness on the part of either party, as he is prone to suggest things like naked foot races through the Craft Services tent or cheese eating contests.
To this day, the mere mention of a goat makes Billy a bit green around the edges.
It is the ever-practical Astin who brings up the issue of whether or not the game will end when filming does. They are sitting around on top of a mountain; waiting for the right kind of light to shoot in and he just up and asks "So, what happens when we wrap?"
Dom and Billy, bored to near death, have taken to passing a paper cup back and forth, but they stop suddenly. The cup hovers between them, suspended from Dom's fingers and poised on the back of Billy's left hand. A complete conversation is had in the course of three facial expressions and a nod.
"Pooka," Billy says, "is eternal."
"My grandson will boost it from Billy's at my wake," Dom adds, grinning.
"And my great-great granddaughter will seduce his son to get it back."
Rule number seventy-five is "Chastity is over-rated. Get The Pooka at all costs."
Title: Fair Game
Pairing: Billeh/Dom (gen)
Word Count: 1260
Feedback: Is welcome.
Disclaimer: I. Am. Making. This. Shit. Up.
Cross-posted to: glasgow_blue, fellow_shippers
There are six sheets of paper taped to Dom's fridge. Three are from a notebook. One is a page from the Towers script. One is a placemat from The Salty Dingo in Wellington. The last is actually a barf bag slit open and folded out. All are covered with scrawling script (Dom's) and neat print (Billy's) and they detail the many and varied rules of Pooka.
For example, belting out the 1970s classic Una Paloma Blanca in a pub where no less than sixty people are present wins you the right to wear the prized shell bracelet for two days without fear of theft. It's rather like the immunity idol on Survivor, only more embarrassing and easier to accessorize. In converse, humming, whistling, or tapping your foot to any Britney Spears tune at any time is immediate grounds for surrender of The Pooka. Even in the shower when you think no one is listening, as Billy was loathe to discover.
The game began six months ago when, on a whim, Dom bought the bracelet from a street vendor. Billy, also on a whim, stole it from him on the way to their five a.m. call three days later. The first rule of Pooka was and remains "Minivans are henceforth sacred space. Especially when Dom is sleeping."
Others include, but are not limited to:
No. 6 You may enlist the help of Elijah, Astin, or Orlando, but not Viggo because he is entirely too stealthy.
No. 8 At no time are naked women to be used as a distraction. Especially when Dom has not had sex for two weeks.
No. 9 Naked men may be used as a distraction, but only if they are not Bernard-- because no one wants to see that.
No 15 It is both acceptable and encouraged to get Billy rat-arsed drunk, take The Pooka, and write "wanker" on his forehead in Sharpie.
No 17 Billy may not shave any part of Dom while he is passed out asleep or drunk.
The latter does not relate to Pooka, exactly, but was instituted and is enforced by Peter, who refuses to spend one more nickel on prosthetic eyebrows.
Every time The Pooka is obtained, points are garnered. These are awarded by committee (Orlando, Elijah, and Miranda--because she has a soft spot for Billy) and are perfectly arbitrary, though they will insist that there is a system based on ingenuity, level of difficulty, and artistic style.
Billy once earned fifty points for managing to boost The Pooka at dinner while Dom was wide awake, stone sober, and distracted only by a whole wheat roll. To date, Dom has not managed to top this achievement.
The score sheet is taped to a mirror in the Makeup trailer and currently reads:
Billy: 907
Dom: 905 90,000
Dom's points are written in green eyeliner in his own hand.
Rule number thirty-two is: DOM IS NOT ALLOWED TO KEEP SCORE
Elijah's name is penciled in, but he has only six points. No one is sure how he acquired them, but rule number thirty-eight is "Elijah may earn a maximum of six points. No more, no less."
Rule number four reads "If you insist upon using Astin to sit upon Dom, he will be forced to kill you dead."
Rule eleven is "Bean may be used to sit upon Dom, but only if he has not been eating Mexican beforehand."
For a brief period during the Lorien filming, Cate was in possession of The Pooka because she is wicked, tricksy, and false. Billy was docked one hundred points for that one and they had to collaborate to secure its return. She's a lot stronger than she looks. Even in a flowy gown and elf ears.
Once, Dom used three rolls of gaffer's tape to fasten Billy to a picnic table and acquire The Pooka. He earned twenty points for ingenuity and twenty-five more for the compromising position Billy was taped in.
The Pooka may also be obtained through the straightforward means of an old fashioned drinking contest.
Rule number forty is "Orlando is buying."
Rule forty-two is "No fair making Billy drink shite American beer."
Rule forty-five is "If Billy vomits, Dom gets The Pooka for three whole days."
Since hobbits live far from the sea and are therefore generally unaware of the practice of wearing shells as adornment, a favorite method of acquisition is to lift The Pooka from the Makeup trailer. This, of course, lead to the creation of rules number forty-eight through sixty-three, which lay out the precise nature of whom the treasure can be entrusted to and which bribes are acceptable as method of gain.
Rule fifty clearly states that Billy may not sell Dom's body on the street to get money for Godiva truffles for Nancy in Wardrobe.
Rule fifty-eight states in an equally clear manner that under no circumstances is Dom to pawn Billy's surfboard, car, or watch to do the same.
At first, the rest of the cast and crew merely tolerated Pooka in much the way that fathers endure playing Barbies with their daughters. Gradually, though, they came to appreciate the subtleties of the game and, now, it is merely one referendum away from being declared a national pastime in Middle Earth. There are weekly betting pools, in fact. So far, Ian has raked in over three hundred quid by playing both sides of the fence.
Viggo and Orlando had "Team Dom" t-shirts made up at a shop in town, but their enthusiasm drowned in the wake of The Ballad of Billy Boyd, as sung by Liv, Bean, and Andy in Gollum's voice with Elijah and Astin accompanying on kazoo and bongos, respectively. The ode, when done properly is sung to Under the Boardwalk and, really, you'd think that a rock star's daughter would at least be able to carry a tune in a bucket.
Rule number sixty-six reads "Dom will give Billy The Fucking Pooka in order to keep Liv from singing."
Rule sixty-eight is "Billy may not request The Ballad of Billy Boyd. Ever."
There have, of course, been differences of opinion when it comes to making rules. Typically, these are settled in one of three ways:
1. Arm wrestling.
2. A coin toss.
3. Sitting on Billy until he admits that he's being an unreasonable prick.
Infrequently, disputes are brought to Ian for binding arbitration. This rarely results in happiness on the part of either party, as he is prone to suggest things like naked foot races through the Craft Services tent or cheese eating contests.
To this day, the mere mention of a goat makes Billy a bit green around the edges.
It is the ever-practical Astin who brings up the issue of whether or not the game will end when filming does. They are sitting around on top of a mountain; waiting for the right kind of light to shoot in and he just up and asks "So, what happens when we wrap?"
Dom and Billy, bored to near death, have taken to passing a paper cup back and forth, but they stop suddenly. The cup hovers between them, suspended from Dom's fingers and poised on the back of Billy's left hand. A complete conversation is had in the course of three facial expressions and a nod.
"Pooka," Billy says, "is eternal."
"My grandson will boost it from Billy's at my wake," Dom adds, grinning.
"And my great-great granddaughter will seduce his son to get it back."
Rule number seventy-five is "Chastity is over-rated. Get The Pooka at all costs."