I wonder...would we have become parents if we had understood how much work it would be to raise our children differently than we were raised?
Just want to go on record saying that I don't think there's anything wrong with making the statement you put at the end of this entry. However, I can clearly understand why you would prefer to not have to restate it several dozen times a day as well. I think the hat idea is a good one, and the witch hat in particular is a clever one.
Ch- HAS changed, a lot. He used to be much more much more motion oriented. I think you're observations about his desire to fit in are insightful and on target. Also, the paragraph about how you came to write so prolifically makes a great deal of sense, both for you and how it applies to Ch- as well.
I'm gratified to know that it's not just my perception. He's such a strange bug that I am never sure if I'm expecting too much. What is entirely normal and acceptable for other kids isn't right for this particular child.
This has all been coming to a boil for weeks ... probably the heat has helped it along. It's funny how, after all my efforts, I miss the simple answers for far too long.
You should have seen my face when R-- suggested that I need to signal my intention to go inside myself by putting on a figurative "writer's hat" and Ch-- suggested we make it a real one. Priceless, I'm sure. In fact I'm fairly certain that I looked like I'd just swallowed a frog. Duh.
It all goes back to that thing I always think is true ... if I can explain it (whatever it is) well enough than it will happen/change/come to be. Turns out that both gentlemen support my right to not be on call. They just couldn't tell WHEN exactly I wanted that to be true
( ... )
I don't have time right now, but this is a great post. I think we may have some things in common with our boys. I promise to come back when I have more time. How old is yours? My son is nine.
I hope you do pop back in with your thoughts ... I'm very eager to hear about the experiences of other parents of pre-teens. (The folks on my flist tend to be childless or have little ones.)
Ch-- is 10, will be 11 in October. We're having a little progress since this post was written but it's been two steps forward, one step back so far.
My kids are littler, and easier to monitor, but we have a 1 hour time limit on video tapes/computer games. One thing I've heard other parents do with older kids is to trade *other* time for electronic time. In other words, and hour of reading for an hour of electronic time, an hour of chores for an hour of electronic time, etc.
Honestly, it sounds like he's just being a normal kid. I know you don't want that for him, but what does he want for himself? Maybe you could start a dialogue with him about what's important to him and what he wants. Perhaps that will get him to verbalize what he needs to do for himself. He may be getting old enough to start the pre-adolescent rebellion. In which case, this will only get worse, not better, if you keep pushing him to live his life *your* way. This may be a time to start letting him set his own rules, expectations, and goals for himself.
I hope that didn't come across to lectury. I do hope the best in this situation for you and Ch-.
It is hard. I have four children. Two have Autism. I used to paint, draw, write, do crafts. I used to *think.* I found that I can't do things without getting really irritated if I am interrupted. I felt this was not fair to my children, who could not understand, and so I just stopped doing. Period.
I am trying to regain a few of those lost skills and it is really hard. I am still being interrupted even as I type only this time it's my beloved bf who really doesn't get that I can't think and type and carry on conversations about world politics.
and before I was interrupted I was going to say that I hope that you don't do what I did then and give up on having time to yourself that is not interrupted.
I found that I can't do things without getting really irritated if I am interrupted.
EXACTLY! I can sort of function -- there's only one child here after all -- for days and weeks but then I start to get frustrated and powder-keggy.
And I'm having a least two separate issues here ... I can't seem to have 2 distinct, most-important, singularly-highest-priorities at the same time. If that looks confused, imagine how it feels :)
"My most important job is to guide my children. No. My most important job is to make my own life count for something. No..."
I support the idea of limiting video games, etc. Growing children need movement. I would have been a lot healthier if someone had locked up my books from time to time & sent me out to be physical! (To be fair, my father tried to do this when he had me for the summers, but I would hide books on myself and find a place *outside* to hole up & read. Also, there were other factors involved, like being transplanted 2000 miles each summer to a conservative small town where I didn't know anyone, but all the other kids knew each other from school).
God. The list of concerns is endless: educate his mind, nurture his child-ness-ness, help him learn to enjoy movement and to pay attention to his body, and so on.
It's so easy to get caught up in the presenting problem and forget the latent ones.
I used to stick a book in the back of my waistband. At least we got some fresh air :)
My parents didn't pay that much attention! I would say I was going out on my bike and ride to the library... and then have books for the rest of the day. One memorable summer I did this every day... to the tune of 11 books a day. (It was al they would let me check out on my card)
Consequently, my ideas are less than perfect. However, I notice that you have a very bright guy there... why not ask him? He did come up with the hat idea, after all... It will help that if it's his idea in the first place, there won't be a resentment factor to overcome in getting him to implement it.
Comments 18
Just want to go on record saying that I don't think there's anything wrong with making the statement you put at the end of this entry. However, I can clearly understand why you would prefer to not have to restate it several dozen times a day as well. I think the hat idea is a good one, and the witch hat in particular is a clever one.
Ch- HAS changed, a lot. He used to be much more much more motion oriented. I think you're observations about his desire to fit in are insightful and on target. Also, the paragraph about how you came to write so prolifically makes a great deal of sense, both for you and how it applies to Ch- as well.
Sigh. It's never easy is it?
Reply
I'm gratified to know that it's not just my perception. He's such a strange bug that I am never sure if I'm expecting too much. What is entirely normal and acceptable for other kids isn't right for this particular child.
This has all been coming to a boil for weeks ... probably the heat has helped it along. It's funny how, after all my efforts, I miss the simple answers for far too long.
You should have seen my face when R-- suggested that I need to signal my intention to go inside myself by putting on a figurative "writer's hat" and Ch-- suggested we make it a real one. Priceless, I'm sure. In fact I'm fairly certain that I looked like I'd just swallowed a frog. Duh.
It all goes back to that thing I always think is true ... if I can explain it (whatever it is) well enough than it will happen/change/come to be. Turns out that both gentlemen support my right to not be on call. They just couldn't tell WHEN exactly I wanted that to be true ( ... )
Reply
Reply
Ch-- is 10, will be 11 in October. We're having a little progress since this post was written but it's been two steps forward, one step back so far.
Reply
My kids are littler, and easier to monitor, but we have a 1 hour time limit on video tapes/computer games. One thing I've heard other parents do with older kids is to trade *other* time for electronic time. In other words, and hour of reading for an hour of electronic time, an hour of chores for an hour of electronic time, etc.
Honestly, it sounds like he's just being a normal kid. I know you don't want that for him, but what does he want for himself? Maybe you could start a dialogue with him about what's important to him and what he wants. Perhaps that will get him to verbalize what he needs to do for himself. He may be getting old enough to start the pre-adolescent rebellion. In which case, this will only get worse, not better, if you keep pushing him to live his life *your* way. This may be a time to start letting him set his own rules, expectations, and goals for himself.
I hope that didn't come across to lectury. I do hope the best in this situation for you and Ch-.
Reply
Reply
I have four children. Two have Autism.
I used to paint, draw, write, do crafts. I used to *think.*
I found that I can't do things without getting really irritated if I am interrupted. I felt this was not fair to my children, who could not understand, and so I just stopped doing. Period.
I am trying to regain a few of those lost skills and it is really hard. I am still being interrupted even as I type only this time it's my beloved bf who really doesn't get that I can't think and type and carry on conversations about world politics.
Reply
Reply
EXACTLY! I can sort of function -- there's only one child here after all -- for days and weeks but then I start to get frustrated and powder-keggy.
And I'm having a least two separate issues here ... I can't seem to have 2 distinct, most-important, singularly-highest-priorities at the same time. If that looks confused, imagine how it feels :)
"My most important job is to guide my children. No. My most important job is to make my own life count for something. No..."
Reply
I support the idea of limiting video games, etc. Growing children need movement. I would have been a lot healthier if someone had locked up my books from time to time & sent me out to be physical! (To be fair, my father tried to do this when he had me for the summers, but I would hide books on myself and find a place *outside* to hole up & read. Also, there were other factors involved, like being transplanted 2000 miles each summer to a conservative small town where I didn't know anyone, but all the other kids knew each other from school).
Reply
God. The list of concerns is endless: educate his mind, nurture his child-ness-ness, help him learn to enjoy movement and to pay attention to his body, and so on.
It's so easy to get caught up in the presenting problem and forget the latent ones.
I used to stick a book in the back of my waistband. At least we got some fresh air :)
Reply
Consequently, my ideas are less than perfect. However, I notice that you have a very bright guy there... why not ask him? He did come up with the hat idea, after all... It will help that if it's his idea in the first place, there won't be a resentment factor to overcome in getting him to implement it.
Reply
Leave a comment