Over Twenty Percent

[mister_troper]

Title: Over Twenty Percent
Genre: Fiction
Word Count: 398
Notes: Notes, including introspective philosophical rambling and an alternate version of the story, are here.

Comments

[so_wordy]

I read both versions of your story (as well as your notes) and I must say I like this one a lot more.

The phrasing keeps me at arm's length. I'm at the bar, but I'm merely an observer. The narrator details the scene with the keen eye of a writer, but he doesn't actively inject...what's the word I'm looking for? emotion maybe...? He doesn't tell us how to feel, we draw the conclusion from the dialogue and his inner thoughts. You lead us to have certain feelings about this character through the aforementioned aspects, but you never tell us directly how we should feel.

I pity Sacramento. He's lost himself and the only way he can feel good is by executing a "not quite fling" with the bar waitress.

I also like the new names in this one. They underscore the exotic feel of the bar and the strange exchange between Kharis and Sacramento.

There's so much I like about this piece. Good luck this week!

[rephen]

I like this one better than the other one, though apparently the Sacramento is not as much a "fool and his money" as Smith is in the other one. But I think Smith's story nails the prompt a little too hard on the head... (which is probably my error too in this round).

Nice descriptive images, but the bit about her almost touching but not was a little blase for me. I like the ending and how their moment fizzles out at the end. It's very easy to relate to. Wonderful work, as usual.

[sobitxx]

I liked the names you used. Very interesting... Did you make up the waitress' name or did you find it somewhere? It would be so cool if that was an actual name from some exotic country~!

[mister_troper]

I actually know two Kharises, though one spells her name 'Caris.' No, they're not both strippers, and that is their given names. It's a mythology thing.

[thewindforest]

After checking out both version, I definitely understand why you picked this one. The brevity adds to the emotion charging the scene, while the added background in the alternate seems to distill it. In this submission, there is no Jane or Ed, and Ben is only mentioned to give a point of reference for where Kharis leans. Despite the impression of the crowded lounge, the reader is aware that for all intents and purposes, it is just Sacremento and Kharis and the money that lies between them. Very powerful!

[keppiehed]

I like the shortness of this, the brevity. You don't know the whole story, but you know enough to get the picture.You get that feeling of "Oh, he's one of THOSE guys," but at the same time, you have given us enough well placed details to wonder what else is going on. I like it, thanks for sharing.