Lost Picspam - Season 4 Finale
Hi all!
So, as some of you may know, Lost is my favorite show of all time. IT IS AMAZING. And since I am so excited for the new season that I am 24 hour heart-attack watch, I've decided to make the rest of January LOST MONTH!
It's exciting. I'm picspamming, and list-making, and recapping, and otherwise celebrating the joys of Lost leading up to February 2. To start things off, here is a picspam recap of the finale that, well, started things off (thanks frozen donkey wheel!).
Spoilers for seasons 1-5 ahead, and all caps from lost-media.com.
Thanks for stopping by to read! Brace yourself for excessive use of capslock and crack. This may break your dial-up.
We open in a plane, which never bodes well on Lost.
And who is aboard this plane but MICHELLE FRAKKING FORBES, ACTRESS OF AWESOME! She’s Lynn on 24, the awesome coroner on Homicide, Ro on STNG, and the fabulous Admiral Cain on BSG, and she basically MAKES ANY SHOW BETTER. The only thing I am sad about here is that she doesn’t go on to become a series regular.
So Michelle Forbes goes back to play the role of flight attendant and to tell the peeps when they’ll be landing, how the media will swarm them, how their upcoming press conference will go .... Basic stuff really.
Basic if you are the Oceanic Six that is, since THIS IS THE OCEANIC SIX HOMECOMING FLIGHT.
Jack speaks for the whole group (big surprise) and says they will all do a press conference right away to get things over with. Everyone looks about all shifty eyed and secretive, a Lost staple.
And Jack is like STFU WE ALL AGREED TO THIS PRESS CONFERENCE, MKAY?
Sayid is like, “we didn’t say anything fool. But we THOUGHT IT!”
And Aaron is like "oh, snap!"
Baby Aaron looks super adorable in his jumper.
So the plane lands and the music swells and everyone disembarks and is reunited with their families and I get verklempt.
Sayid meets his new adoptive parents - oh, Hurley, you are so freaking cute and sweet.
Kate stands off by herself with her fake babeh and looks emo. Kate is probably giving off fake mom vibes, it’s why people avoid her.
Also: Jack and his mom - incestuous vibe much? Yikes.
Flashback! Back on the beach people are having a night-time pow-wow about what to do about that damn freighter.
Also, Sayid (so they think) dropped a sat radio down and people debate the meaning of this. Guys, Sayid is usually very to the point - he’d probably leave a note with the phone if he had actually dropped it. Silly people. Whoever did drop that phone obviously didn’t learn important life lessons from Arrested Development.
AND THAT’S WHY YOU ALWAYS LEAVE A NOTE.
Jack is still gunning for a rescue and Charlotte and Dan are all evasive and awkward. They both kind of suck here, Charlotte more than Dan. Dan’s involvement in the Constant and his subsequent role in Season Five have made him one of My Faves.
Charlotte: Uh, what freighter? I don’t know what you mean!
Jack: You came here on a freighter!
Daniel: Uh, no we didn’t! haha.
Jack: WTF
Analogy time: Walt is to Michael as Juliet is to me. Meaning that whenever I see her on screen now I yell “JULIET!!!!!!!” Just consider that implied throughout these recaps.
Look, it's Juliet!!
It’s now daytime.
Jack is wandering through the jungle with Kate in an effort to find Sayid, the helicopter, answers, a snack, some band-aids for Jack’s BLEEDING APPENDECTOMY WOUND. Jack is such a moron sometimes.
Then, a vision approaches: Sawyer emerges out of the jungle toting a gun and a baby. Women’s ovaries spontaneously explode.
Hard-Core Shipper Sidebar: ZOMG SAWYER AND JULIET SHOULD TOTES HAVE BABIEZ! haha.
Also - Elizabeth Mitchell's name popped up as Sawyer exited the jungle with a babeh. THEIR LOVE IS FATED! Ahem.
And Miles is here too. Miles is awesome.
The participants in the Love Triangle of Doom (plus Aaron and Miles) bicker and finally Kate assumes the role of child protective services and takes Aaron away from the pissing match that has broken out (or resumed) between Jack and Sawyer. Miles is like, WTF.
Sawyer learns what’s up with the helicopter hunt and says he’ll go along to help Jack. Kate can stay behind with the women and children or something.
Press Conference Time!
Michelle Forbes gives us the Lowdown on the Oceanic Six in an Exciting Power Point Presentation and we learn that apparently everyone was on a tiny island in Indonesia the whole time!
Also, everyone else on the flight died. And Kate was preggers but survived and gave birth on the island.
Two others survived and died later: Libby and Charlie. Did they draw those names out of a hat or something? There are just too many dead people to pick from. These are two of the most likable dead peeps though. Oh and Jin is totes dead too.
THIS IS ALL LIES!
Then Sayid is told he has a visitor and he goes outside
. AND IT’S NADIA!! EPICALLY TRAGIC LOVE STORY IS EPIC AND TRAGIC. Poor Sayid, in the future whenever he has a visitor it’s totally Ben. SERIOUS DOWNGRADE.
Back in the past, Sayid is cruising back to the beach on a motor boat looking insanely hot.
Fear not Island, Sayid and his Pwnage Skillz are returning to save you.
Juliet rushes up to Sayid the second he pulls up and asks: WTFPolarBear??
We learn that Sayid totes wasn’t in the flyover helicopter and the freighter folk are BAD NEWS. Jinkies!
Juliet and Sayid also stop to compare hair care tips. Sayid clearly took Juliet up on hers back in the Real World, as he had fabulously flat-ironed and shiny hair in Season 4 and part of 5. Good job, Sayid!
Meanwhile, Ben, Hurley, and Locke (Trio of Win) are on their Quest to Save the Island.
Ben is in fine form here, being manipulative, withholding, mysterious, and actually helpful all at the same time. Plus, he’s a snarky bastard. LOVE IT.
Ben signals the other Others old skool, with a mirror. Hurley is jazzed to find some 50 year old saltines in Ben’s secret stash.
Locke stands about feeling frustrated and confused. So, the usual.
On the beach, the first group of passengers is getting into the boat. I like how it’s all orderly and there’s no need for a lottery and punkass shenanigans (I’m looking at you, Stargate Universe).
Sun and Jin get aboard (as she’s preggers). Random extras also climb aboard and Dan volunteers to take them. I wouldn’t go anywhere with those red shirts - a shark is probably about to eat them all or something.
Sayid is heading off to find Jack and Sawyer. Kate demands to go with him (she SERIOUSLY can’t obey directions for more than an hour) and she passes Aaron off to Sun. That poor kid - he’s like a hot potato.
Kate: You can use the practice! I don’t need any practice at all since I clearly won’t be having a baby anytime soon. *anvil irony*
Sun: Uh, holy crap. I have months to go before I’m due! I was gonna read some books and ease myself into this whole baby thing!
Jin: WTF. Accelerating the baby time table! Not good!
Juliet is going to stay and monitor things on the beach. The beach is in good hands.
Future scene! A coiffed Sun confronts her Evil Father and tells him that she used her Oceanic Six survivor money to buy all his company stock and she now owns his ass, mwahaha.
I can’t bring myself to care about this plotline, SO I WON’T.
Meanwhile, Hurley arrives home and finds his house overrun with ISLAND PORTENTS, such as a coconut. TEH HORROR.
It really is the horror since it’s a surprise bday party for Hurley!
His parents think their beach theme is “funny.” Though his mom is not impressed with Hurley’s inappropriately almost-violent use of a Jesus statue. Whoops.
Sayid and Nadia are there, as is Kate.
Nadia clearly took Sayid shopping at J. Crew, and Sayid tries valiantly to look like he is a normal guy just enjoying a party instead of a badass assassin who could kill everyone there in under two minutes. Sayid’s Pwnage Skillz and Badassery are a burden.
Hurley’s dad give him his b-day gift: a fixed up car!
But Hurley sees THE NUMBERS on the dashboard and runs away in horror.
Back on the Island, Locke and Ben lurk outside the Orchid Station.
Locke is like, this is a greenhouse, WTF.
Ben is like, we’ll be using Botany to save the island. And Herbology. (Ben totes went to Hogwarts as Young Ben = American Harry Potter).
Over at the Freighter, Desmond comes out to welcome the newcomers aboard with his hotness.
Fortunately, no women faint and fall overboard.
Michael walks up and Sun and Jin are like WTF.
Mike’s like, hey Jin, remember the Raft days? Good tiems!
Jin is like “....”
Desmond then chills out with the captain, who is moving the freighter closer to Teh Island. DOOM.
Desmond, stop smiling and looking excited, you are jinxing everyone!
Jack and Sawyer find the helicopter, but no Sayid. It’s Frank instead!
And he’s been handcuffed to the chopper by Keamy who is like the antichrist or something. I HAAATE HIM. Keamy seriously makes Ben look like Mother Theresa.
Off in Non-Island land, Jack is at his father’s funeral, which was mega delayed.
He delivers a eulogy that is more about him than his dad. Awesome.
And ooh, WE HAVE A JEARS SPOTTING! FIRST JEARS OF THE FINALE FOLKS! Also, Christian's picture is hilarious - did they get that from his hospital directory photo or something? haha.
Then a nice Australian lady comes up and ZOMG IT’S CLAIRE’S MOM AND SHE TALKS ABOUT HER POOR DEAD DAUGHTER AND HOW DISTRAUGHT SHE IS AND THEN SHE TELLS KATE THAT HER BABY IS VERY SWEET
Kate and Jack are miraculously not struck down by lightning during this scene for BEING LYING BABY THIEVES.
Jears and emo looks of horror abound.
Michael tells Jin and Sun that there’s trouble afoot. No shit, Sherlock.
So they go with him and find THE BOMB. Where is MacGyver/Sayid when you need him?
Jin tells Sun to get herself and baby Aaron out of there. Cause they’ll totally be safe from the Bomb to end all Bombs on the deck. Oh, wait.
Kate and Sayid are trekking through the jungle and find Richard. RICHARD!!!! I love his immortal, Egyptian eyeliner sporting, super hot self. LOVE.
RICHARD!
Ben, Locke, and Hurley bicker outside the Orchid some more and Locke demands some answers, dammit!
Ben is like whatev, I’m gonna go be mysterious AND heroic now! He tells Locke that he’ll take care of business and that Locke can then save the Island. Locke doesn’t know what to do, and Ben is like, maybe JACOB can help you! Bitter much, Ben? haha. And he marches up to the Orchid station and lets Keamy and his Army of Satan capture him.
And Epic Music plays and we know that we are at the end of Part One of the Finale of Awesome.
Part Two
We open with the flashforward of brain exploding awesome.
Emo-Druggie Jack is all “WE HAVE TO GO BAAAAAAAAAAAACK!”
And Kate is like, I’m standing right here, shut up.
And Jack whispers “we have to go baaaaack.”
And Kate is like, Frak You I have a Babeh at home and I’m not taking Aaron back to Craphole Island. The preschools there suck.
I can see Kate’s point: the Dharma Brainwashing Academy does have a rather spotty record and a penchant for turning out megalomaniacs (hi young Ben!).
Then Kate drives away again and Jack is like EMO ANGST!
In the past, Sawyer and Jack arrive at the Orchid Station based on Frank’s directions of where to find Evil Keamy. Or maybe they just followed the trail of dead bodies that Keamy inevitably left in his wake.
And they meet up with Hurley.
Jack goes up to Locke, who is wandering around the Orchid Station lost and confused since Ben left no directions on how the power of botany could save Teh Island.
We cut to a scene with the Bomb Squad over on the freighter. It's a hit new show about a crazy time-traveling Scottish man, an African-American father looking for redemption, and a Korean man with a shady past and a baby on the way who team up to stop things from going 'splodey. What, it would have been awesome.
Desmond’s military training sadly didn’t cover how to diffuse frakking gigantic bombs aboard freighters of evil and doom.
Back to Jack and Locke: It’s Man of Science vs. Man of Faith part 500!
Locke and Jack both seem to realize that they are never ever going to agree or understand each other. Theirs is the bromance that shall never be. *tear*
Keamy has hauled Ben over to the helicopter where Frank is hanging out. Poor Frank is totally like the Skipper of this whole shebang - he takes some freaks out for a three hour tour and then gets stuck on a crazyass island with a bunch of psychos and weirdos.
Then Kate stumbles out of the jungle and Ben just barely restrains his eyeroll.
But Richard and crew are with her and there’s a big fight. Sayid and Keamy throw down and Richard shoots Keamy, thus preventing Sayid’s hardcoreness from inevitably triumphing and winning.
Zomg, given how season five played out I’m now wondering if Richard didn’t shoot and MISS on purpose in order to preserve the timeline! LOST I LOVE YOU.
Flashforward time. Walt (WAAAALT) pays Hurley a visit in the Looney Bin.
They discuss their visits from “Jeremy Bentham” and Hurley lies about Michael’s status to Walt. Walt guesses that the Oceanic Six are lying to protect others and he tells Hurley goodbye. Walt, you are a cool dude. Though I’d be more freaked out if a dead British philosopher came to visit me, just saying.
Hurley and Sawyer chill out in the Island past and Sawyer tries to figure out what Locke and Jack are saying to each other. Hurley offers Sawyer a fifty year old cracker.
Super delicious.
Ben tries to convince Richard to untie him and Richard is like, “I’m thinking about it.”
Ben: Oh, Frak you, Richard! Also, the rest of you freaks can leave now. Don’t let the metaphorical door hit you on the way out!
Kate and Sayid: For reals?
They foolishly don’t hang around to question Ben more and instead make a run for it.
And Ben is probably like “mwahaha” when they leave.
And Richard is like “le sigh.”
Locke is now telling Jack his moving the Island to save it plan and Jack is like WTF YOU CRAZY, OLD MAN. Locke is like, I believe in the power of the Island! And Jack is like THIS IS NOT SCIENTIFIC.
Uh, Jack, I hate to break it to you, but you’ve been on A CRAZY ISLAND for the past few months. Has ANYTHING on this Island EVER been Scientific or Logical? Get with the program dude!
Ben then hilariously waltzes back up after having been freed by Richard and Sayid’s badassery and is like ANUBIS ON A CRACKER, WHY ARE YOU JUST LOITERING AROUND HERE LOCKE, YOU SHOULD BE SAVING THE ISLAND RIGHT NOW!
Locke is like, you didn’t give me directions fool!
And Ben is still totally in a snit about Jacob playing favorite so Locke can pretty much NEVER expect to get directions from Ben. Also, Ben is a pathological liar who shot Locke, so I’m not really sure why Locke was even EXPECTING directions.
Ben uses a potted plant to activate the super sekrit elevator that goes down to the REAL orchid station. Zomg, is there a Stargate down there?
Jack is like THIS IS ILLOGICAL AND I WON’T GET ON THE ELEVATOR WITH YOU CRAZY MOFOS.
Locke is like, your loss, looser. And he gets in the elevator.
Over on the freighter, Michael is grilling Sun about another way off the boat. She reveals she’s pregnant and Michael promises to look after Jin for her.
The Bomb Squad figures out that they can use a tank of liquid nitrogen to cool the bomb battery and slow the clock down for a while. Good plan guys!
Meanwhile, Faraday and Juliet are all happy and optimistic. Quit it with the jinxing guys.
You're doomed. DOOMED.
We are now in the Orchid Station, which is full of 70s Dharma Era goodness.
And now, for one of the best Lost sequences of all time.
Locke finds ANOTHER ORIENTATION FILM STARRING DR. MARVIN CANDLE!
So Locke settles in to watch the film while Ben runs around moving furniture or something. I suspect that Locke is the person who always reads the instruction manual before doing anything.
Ben, meanwhile, mutters under his breath about how Jacob clearly picked a self-starter, initiative-taker in Locke. Grumble.
Dr. Candle explains that the Orchid Station is where they do experiments with ELECTROMAGENTISM. Well that never bodes well.
Dr. Candle now shows us a bunny. UH OH. RUN AWAY BUNNY, RUN AWAAAAAAY.
Dr. Candle puts the bunny in the quantum leap accelerator and tells the audience to NEVER EVER UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES PUT METAL OBJECTS IN THE CHAMBER. EVER.
Meanwhile, Ben is doing exactly that off-screen. Locke’s expression is priceless here.
Locke asks Ben why he is doing that and Ben is like WHATEV FOOL, I AM THE MASTER OF THE ISLAND AND I CAN DO WHAT I WANT! ALSO, DO YOU HAVE A ANY METAL KNIVES ON YOU?
Then Locke and Ben stop bickering cause they hear a noise. It’s an intruder!
Kate, Sawyer, Jack, Hurley, and Sayid hop aboard the helicopter with Frank and head off to the freighter to tell them what’s going on.
They’re really all just making a run for it.
PEACE OUT BITCHEZ!
Keamy is the Orchid Station intruder! Nice shooting Richard. (Though it really might have been deliberate given Season Five. Awesome).
Locke tries to calm Keamy down and convince him not to hurt anyone else after Keamy reveals that he has a bio-bomb thingy on him and will totes blow up the freighter if his heart stops beating. Keamy has watched too much 24.
Keamy then taunts Ben about killing Alex, which is really just bad form.
Ben snaps and leaps out of the darkness like a flying squirrel and proceeds to beat the shit out of Keamy. Go Ben, go!
After getting his head bashed around some, Keamy is near death and Locke is horrified that the freighter might soon go ‘splodey. To which Ben replies: so?
OH, BEN.
Charlotte and Dan say goodbye, cause Charlotte has decided to stay on the Island, along with Rose and Bernard and Miles for varying reasons.
You're both doomed!
Poor deluded Juliet opts to not get on the boat with Dan since she says the others, meaning Jack and co., wouldn’t just leave her here.
Juliet, have you learned nothing from your years with Ben and reruns of the X-files? TRUST NO ONE. Especially not those whiney little Oceanic 815 bitches, i.e. Jack and Kate. Sayid is trustworthy, but he’s also ruthless and is cool with leaving people behind and/or offing them as needed. Hurley and Sawyer are excused since they weren’t aware Juliet was waiting for them. SO THIS IS ALL JACK AND KATE’S FAULT AS USUAL. (I say that with love ya’ll. They’re both total frak-ups and I love them).
Meanwhile, the Bomb Squad is running low on liquid nitrogen. UH OH.
Frank also has bad news for the chopper crowd: the gas tank has a bullet hole in it and they are losing fuel.
He tells them to lose some weight, which offends Hurley till he realizes that Frank meant to toss the equipment overboard.
They’re still too heavy though, so Sawyer demonstrates his Epic Character Development into a Big Damn Hero and jumps overboard! OH SAWYER.
He also tells Kate a parting secret before he jumps which ensures that Jack will be DRIVEN MAD WITH JEALOUS RAGE in the future. Lame.
In THE FUTURE Hurley is chillaxin with some ghosts in his room at the Looney Bin. Sayid waltzes in and tells Hurley that some strange people are watching him and they need to make a run for it.
Hurley is like, that’s cool dude, I can play chess with Mr. Eko later. Sayid is like, on second thought, why don’t you stay here in your padded cell.
Keamy is now dead and Locke is like, OH NOES THE FREIGHTER!
Ben could still care less. haha.
This is possibly because Ben knows how the future/his past (my brain, ow ow) will go and is thus not worried about people blowing up. Awesomesauce!
The bomb light turns red but it doesn’t go splodey yet since The Bomb Squad cooled it down with the Power of Science.
Michael says he’ll stay and tells Jin and Desmond to run for it. Jin says he’s staying to help and Desmond is like, peace out bitches and runs like hell. Go, Des, go! And I love Jin, but he was a dumbass here. Dude, you gots a babeh on the way, now isn't the time to be noble and crap!
Des sees the helicopter and screams loudly and Scottishly for them not to land.
Frank is like, I DON’T UNDERSTAND SCOTTISH BROTHA!
And Des is like, EVERYONE’S A COMEDIAN BROTHA. DON’T LAND!
But Frank is seriously losing fuel and lands anyway.
Desmond trots up and explains the situation while Sayid MacGyver’s a fix for the chopper. IRAQI MACGYVER FTW!
Kate hops off and gets Sun and Aaron on the chopper, and she agrees to go back for Jin.
But then Jack hops off and drags Kate back on and tells Frank to take off, there’s no time. Uh Jack, you kind of suck here. How hard would it have been to at least YELL INTO THE HATCH FOR JIN?
Poor, poor Jin
But at least Jin got to take part in the hot new foreign language program - the Dharma Time Travel Exchange! It's way cooler than that Rosetta Stone crap.
So they take off and Desmond and Sun are protesting and Jin runs out and there’s lots of yelling and then lots of exploding and then lots of screaming and it’s brutal.
Sad show is sad.
Oh and Michael totes saw Christian Sheppard before he blew up.
WTFPOLARBEAR??
In the future Sun is in London (for reals, we can see Tower Bridge behind her!) and corners Charles Widmore on the street and they have shady dealing shenanigans and start a Kill Ben club.
Blah blah.
Having killed Keamy, Ben now proceeds to turn on the chamber filled with metal objects. Locke is like, are you sure this is a good ... AAH BLINDING WHITE LIGHT AAAHH!
You guys think that was bad, just wait till the end of this episode!
The chamber has gone splodey and Mad Scientist Ben is like mwahaha.
And now for an EPIC SCENE OF EPICNESS AND HOTNESS.
Sawyer emerges out of the ocean like some sort of sea god, sans shirt. Those darn things just refuse to stay on Sawyer.
He encounters Juliet who has hilariously zero reaction to Sawyer’s sea god impersonation.
Juliet is too busy getting drunk off her ass since the damn freighter blew up and she’s still stuck on Craphole Island.
Sawyer is like “look how hot I am, flirting with you, good tiems”
Juliet is like, “STFU I’m busy being depressed. The freighter went ‘splodey!”
Sawyer is like “Well, crap. Give me that liquor!”
Juliet is like “Get your own!” And then they proceed to fight over the alcohol. True story.
ETA: I'm amazed Sawyer and Juliet weren't puking their brains out during their first time jumps after having consumed copious amounts of alcohol. Those two have iron clad stomachs, that's for sure.
Ben now emerges with a chic Dharma parka and other winter gear from the Land’s End Special Dharma Edition Catalogue, circa 1977.
Locke is like, WTF, and Ben says, it’s cold where he’s going. Perhaps there’s a POLAR BEAR there!
Ben bids Locke a fond farewell, which runs along the lines of, “Well, I am sorry I wasn’t able to kill you and I’m even MORE sorry that Jacob seems to like you better, but you have fun running the Island cause it is a THANKLESS JOB my friend. The Others are all whiny bitches, Jacob is an asshole, and the Island is FRAKKING INSANE. So I’m just gonna go SAVE THE DAY now so you can go be king of the Island. You suck.”
And Ben’s parting shot is epic: Destiny is a fickle fickle bitch, John. HAHA.
And also, true. Especially if your name is John Locke.
Locke goes outside and finds Richard and the others. Richard wonders where Ben is and Locke is like I AM YOUR LEADER NOW! HELLO, MY PEOPLE! And Richard is like, well you’re going to get annoying really fast.
Richard then runs off and is like, quick everyone get out your foil hats! Ben’s about to move the island and we sure as hell aren’t going on a time jump adventure with THAT nutcase!
Thus begins the MOST EPIC SCENE EVER!!!
Ben goes down into a frozen cave where he see THE FROZEN DONKEY WHEEL. Cue the sounds of awe.
Fun fact: This was totally the original prototype of the Stargate. True story.
Ben chops the ice away and the proceeds to move the wheel, which is frozen and is thus no mean feat. The frozenness also means that Ben isn’t turning the wheel correctly and is about to cause some wacky shenanigans to ensue.
And things start lighting up and making weird sounds and it’s a lot like that time Des blew up the hatch, zomg.
AND THEN BEN MOVES THE FREAKING ISLAND!!! And my brain exploded when I first saw this, and I still haven’t gotten over it. IT IS EPIC.
So everyone else is blinded by the light and the people in the helicopter see THE ISLAND DISAPPEAR!!
See ya next season, Juliet, Sawyer, Dan and the boaters, Rose and Bernard, Charlotte, and Richard!
The people on the chopper have a WTFPOLARBEAR moment to end all WTF moments. And then Frank is like, we’re out of gas zomg, and the chopper crashes into the ocean.
Sayid was smart enough to toss a lifeboat overboard and the group all climb aboard.
Desmond isn’t breathing! But Jack saves him. OK, bonus points to Jack.
Are those Jears or is it just the ocean we spy? No, those are totes Jears.
And they are all screwed.
In the future, Kate and her Not!Son Aaron are snoozing. But then Kate hears in intruder!
Claire busts in and is like YOU STOLE MY BABEH! No, actually, she tells Kate not to bring Aaron back to the Island. And I'm like WTF.
On the lifeboat it is now nighttime. Hurley wonders aloud about the island disappearing and Jack is like SHUT UP IT DID NOT. And Hurley is like, uh, do you have a better explanation? Ben said he’d move the Island and IT FREAKING DISAPPEARED!
Jack pouts.
Everyone else is like, too emo to respond.
Jack has now turned into Locke since he’s believing in things that aren’t there, like the Island.
Then some lights appear and it’s a boat. They’re saved! I wouldn’t celebrate just yet people: last time a boat arrived to “save” people at sea it was some crazy ass hillbilly Others who kidnapped WAAAALT, thus ushering in one of Lost’s more annoying eras. EPIC FAIL.
This boat is cool though cause it really IS Penny’s boat (unlike the Freighter of Doom). Des and Penny reunite epically.
LOVE IT!
Jack starts coughing awkwardly and reminds the reunited couple that there are other people present. J/K. No, Penny and Des recall their manners and welcome everyone aboard The Love Boat.
Des dorkily introduces all his Island friends to his girlfriend, and it’s kind of hilarious.
Also, I can’t watch this scene now without remembering the blooper reel. Awesome.
Jack, Debbie Downer that he is, tells Penny that they need to have a Serious Talk.
She and Des are like, uh, can’t we have Reunion!Sex first? C’mon!
Cut to daytime. We learn that the Oceanic Six staged their whole beach landing and rescue and cooked up their whole Indonesia story on Penny’s boat. Des is staying with her of course, and Frank is gonna get dropped off somewhere else later with a case of alcohol, most likely. I like the idea that Frank partied in Fiji or someting for about a year before going back to work as a pilot.
The three bid farewell to the Oceanic Six and then are like FINALLY. Des and Penny run off to start making babies and Frank runs off to get drunk. See ya next season guys!
And then the Oceanic Six are “rescued.”
Flashforward. Jack drives around town listening to Nirvana (HAHAHA) in his crappy car with his beard and his alcohol and his drugs.
JACK, PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER MAN!
He breaks into a funeral home and emos over a coffin.
Then Ben waltzes in. BEN!! He tells Jack that they have to go back to the Island to save everyone from Teh Horror that has befallen them and Jack is like yeah, that’s what coffin guy said.
Ben gives him an AA pep talk and Jack is like I NOW BELIEVE IN DESTINY, I AM SO IN ON THIS CRAZY SCHEME!
Ben cackles evilly and then informs Jack they’ll be taking the body with them. CREEPY.
We pan down to see that the dead dude is JOHN LOCKE!
And thus ends season four of Lost. AND IT WAS AWESOME.
So, as some of you may know, Lost is my favorite show of all time. IT IS AMAZING. And since I am so excited for the new season that I am 24 hour heart-attack watch, I've decided to make the rest of January LOST MONTH!
It's exciting. I'm picspamming, and list-making, and recapping, and otherwise celebrating the joys of Lost leading up to February 2. To start things off, here is a picspam recap of the finale that, well, started things off (thanks frozen donkey wheel!).
Spoilers for seasons 1-5 ahead, and all caps from lost-media.com.
Thanks for stopping by to read! Brace yourself for excessive use of capslock and crack. This may break your dial-up.
We open in a plane, which never bodes well on Lost.
And who is aboard this plane but MICHELLE FRAKKING FORBES, ACTRESS OF AWESOME! She’s Lynn on 24, the awesome coroner on Homicide, Ro on STNG, and the fabulous Admiral Cain on BSG, and she basically MAKES ANY SHOW BETTER. The only thing I am sad about here is that she doesn’t go on to become a series regular.
So Michelle Forbes goes back to play the role of flight attendant and to tell the peeps when they’ll be landing, how the media will swarm them, how their upcoming press conference will go .... Basic stuff really.
Basic if you are the Oceanic Six that is, since THIS IS THE OCEANIC SIX HOMECOMING FLIGHT.
Jack speaks for the whole group (big surprise) and says they will all do a press conference right away to get things over with. Everyone looks about all shifty eyed and secretive, a Lost staple.
And Jack is like STFU WE ALL AGREED TO THIS PRESS CONFERENCE, MKAY?
Sayid is like, “we didn’t say anything fool. But we THOUGHT IT!”
And Aaron is like "oh, snap!"
Baby Aaron looks super adorable in his jumper.
So the plane lands and the music swells and everyone disembarks and is reunited with their families and I get verklempt.
Sayid meets his new adoptive parents - oh, Hurley, you are so freaking cute and sweet.
Kate stands off by herself with her fake babeh and looks emo. Kate is probably giving off fake mom vibes, it’s why people avoid her.
Also: Jack and his mom - incestuous vibe much? Yikes.
Flashback! Back on the beach people are having a night-time pow-wow about what to do about that damn freighter.
Also, Sayid (so they think) dropped a sat radio down and people debate the meaning of this. Guys, Sayid is usually very to the point - he’d probably leave a note with the phone if he had actually dropped it. Silly people. Whoever did drop that phone obviously didn’t learn important life lessons from Arrested Development.
AND THAT’S WHY YOU ALWAYS LEAVE A NOTE.
Jack is still gunning for a rescue and Charlotte and Dan are all evasive and awkward. They both kind of suck here, Charlotte more than Dan. Dan’s involvement in the Constant and his subsequent role in Season Five have made him one of My Faves.
Charlotte: Uh, what freighter? I don’t know what you mean!
Jack: You came here on a freighter!
Daniel: Uh, no we didn’t! haha.
Jack: WTF
Analogy time: Walt is to Michael as Juliet is to me. Meaning that whenever I see her on screen now I yell “JULIET!!!!!!!” Just consider that implied throughout these recaps.
Look, it's Juliet!!
It’s now daytime.
Jack is wandering through the jungle with Kate in an effort to find Sayid, the helicopter, answers, a snack, some band-aids for Jack’s BLEEDING APPENDECTOMY WOUND. Jack is such a moron sometimes.
Then, a vision approaches: Sawyer emerges out of the jungle toting a gun and a baby. Women’s ovaries spontaneously explode.
Hard-Core Shipper Sidebar: ZOMG SAWYER AND JULIET SHOULD TOTES HAVE BABIEZ! haha.
Also - Elizabeth Mitchell's name popped up as Sawyer exited the jungle with a babeh. THEIR LOVE IS FATED! Ahem.
And Miles is here too. Miles is awesome.
The participants in the Love Triangle of Doom (plus Aaron and Miles) bicker and finally Kate assumes the role of child protective services and takes Aaron away from the pissing match that has broken out (or resumed) between Jack and Sawyer. Miles is like, WTF.
Sawyer learns what’s up with the helicopter hunt and says he’ll go along to help Jack. Kate can stay behind with the women and children or something.
Press Conference Time!
Michelle Forbes gives us the Lowdown on the Oceanic Six in an Exciting Power Point Presentation and we learn that apparently everyone was on a tiny island in Indonesia the whole time!
Also, everyone else on the flight died. And Kate was preggers but survived and gave birth on the island.
Two others survived and died later: Libby and Charlie. Did they draw those names out of a hat or something? There are just too many dead people to pick from. These are two of the most likable dead peeps though. Oh and Jin is totes dead too.
THIS IS ALL LIES!
Then Sayid is told he has a visitor and he goes outside
. AND IT’S NADIA!! EPICALLY TRAGIC LOVE STORY IS EPIC AND TRAGIC. Poor Sayid, in the future whenever he has a visitor it’s totally Ben. SERIOUS DOWNGRADE.
Back in the past, Sayid is cruising back to the beach on a motor boat looking insanely hot.
Fear not Island, Sayid and his Pwnage Skillz are returning to save you.
Juliet rushes up to Sayid the second he pulls up and asks: WTFPolarBear??
We learn that Sayid totes wasn’t in the flyover helicopter and the freighter folk are BAD NEWS. Jinkies!
Juliet and Sayid also stop to compare hair care tips. Sayid clearly took Juliet up on hers back in the Real World, as he had fabulously flat-ironed and shiny hair in Season 4 and part of 5. Good job, Sayid!
Meanwhile, Ben, Hurley, and Locke (Trio of Win) are on their Quest to Save the Island.
Ben is in fine form here, being manipulative, withholding, mysterious, and actually helpful all at the same time. Plus, he’s a snarky bastard. LOVE IT.
Ben signals the other Others old skool, with a mirror. Hurley is jazzed to find some 50 year old saltines in Ben’s secret stash.
Locke stands about feeling frustrated and confused. So, the usual.
On the beach, the first group of passengers is getting into the boat. I like how it’s all orderly and there’s no need for a lottery and punkass shenanigans (I’m looking at you, Stargate Universe).
Sun and Jin get aboard (as she’s preggers). Random extras also climb aboard and Dan volunteers to take them. I wouldn’t go anywhere with those red shirts - a shark is probably about to eat them all or something.
Sayid is heading off to find Jack and Sawyer. Kate demands to go with him (she SERIOUSLY can’t obey directions for more than an hour) and she passes Aaron off to Sun. That poor kid - he’s like a hot potato.
Kate: You can use the practice! I don’t need any practice at all since I clearly won’t be having a baby anytime soon. *anvil irony*
Sun: Uh, holy crap. I have months to go before I’m due! I was gonna read some books and ease myself into this whole baby thing!
Jin: WTF. Accelerating the baby time table! Not good!
Juliet is going to stay and monitor things on the beach. The beach is in good hands.
Future scene! A coiffed Sun confronts her Evil Father and tells him that she used her Oceanic Six survivor money to buy all his company stock and she now owns his ass, mwahaha.
I can’t bring myself to care about this plotline, SO I WON’T.
Meanwhile, Hurley arrives home and finds his house overrun with ISLAND PORTENTS, such as a coconut. TEH HORROR.
It really is the horror since it’s a surprise bday party for Hurley!
His parents think their beach theme is “funny.” Though his mom is not impressed with Hurley’s inappropriately almost-violent use of a Jesus statue. Whoops.
Sayid and Nadia are there, as is Kate.
Nadia clearly took Sayid shopping at J. Crew, and Sayid tries valiantly to look like he is a normal guy just enjoying a party instead of a badass assassin who could kill everyone there in under two minutes. Sayid’s Pwnage Skillz and Badassery are a burden.
Hurley’s dad give him his b-day gift: a fixed up car!
But Hurley sees THE NUMBERS on the dashboard and runs away in horror.
Back on the Island, Locke and Ben lurk outside the Orchid Station.
Locke is like, this is a greenhouse, WTF.
Ben is like, we’ll be using Botany to save the island. And Herbology. (Ben totes went to Hogwarts as Young Ben = American Harry Potter).
Over at the Freighter, Desmond comes out to welcome the newcomers aboard with his hotness.
Fortunately, no women faint and fall overboard.
Michael walks up and Sun and Jin are like WTF.
Mike’s like, hey Jin, remember the Raft days? Good tiems!
Jin is like “....”
Desmond then chills out with the captain, who is moving the freighter closer to Teh Island. DOOM.
Desmond, stop smiling and looking excited, you are jinxing everyone!
Jack and Sawyer find the helicopter, but no Sayid. It’s Frank instead!
And he’s been handcuffed to the chopper by Keamy who is like the antichrist or something. I HAAATE HIM. Keamy seriously makes Ben look like Mother Theresa.
Off in Non-Island land, Jack is at his father’s funeral, which was mega delayed.
He delivers a eulogy that is more about him than his dad. Awesome.
And ooh, WE HAVE A JEARS SPOTTING! FIRST JEARS OF THE FINALE FOLKS! Also, Christian's picture is hilarious - did they get that from his hospital directory photo or something? haha.
Then a nice Australian lady comes up and ZOMG IT’S CLAIRE’S MOM AND SHE TALKS ABOUT HER POOR DEAD DAUGHTER AND HOW DISTRAUGHT SHE IS AND THEN SHE TELLS KATE THAT HER BABY IS VERY SWEET
Kate and Jack are miraculously not struck down by lightning during this scene for BEING LYING BABY THIEVES.
Jears and emo looks of horror abound.
Michael tells Jin and Sun that there’s trouble afoot. No shit, Sherlock.
So they go with him and find THE BOMB. Where is MacGyver/Sayid when you need him?
Jin tells Sun to get herself and baby Aaron out of there. Cause they’ll totally be safe from the Bomb to end all Bombs on the deck. Oh, wait.
Kate and Sayid are trekking through the jungle and find Richard. RICHARD!!!! I love his immortal, Egyptian eyeliner sporting, super hot self. LOVE.
RICHARD!
Ben, Locke, and Hurley bicker outside the Orchid some more and Locke demands some answers, dammit!
Ben is like whatev, I’m gonna go be mysterious AND heroic now! He tells Locke that he’ll take care of business and that Locke can then save the Island. Locke doesn’t know what to do, and Ben is like, maybe JACOB can help you! Bitter much, Ben? haha. And he marches up to the Orchid station and lets Keamy and his Army of Satan capture him.
And Epic Music plays and we know that we are at the end of Part One of the Finale of Awesome.
Part Two
We open with the flashforward of brain exploding awesome.
Emo-Druggie Jack is all “WE HAVE TO GO BAAAAAAAAAAAACK!”
And Kate is like, I’m standing right here, shut up.
And Jack whispers “we have to go baaaaack.”
And Kate is like, Frak You I have a Babeh at home and I’m not taking Aaron back to Craphole Island. The preschools there suck.
I can see Kate’s point: the Dharma Brainwashing Academy does have a rather spotty record and a penchant for turning out megalomaniacs (hi young Ben!).
Then Kate drives away again and Jack is like EMO ANGST!
In the past, Sawyer and Jack arrive at the Orchid Station based on Frank’s directions of where to find Evil Keamy. Or maybe they just followed the trail of dead bodies that Keamy inevitably left in his wake.
And they meet up with Hurley.
Jack goes up to Locke, who is wandering around the Orchid Station lost and confused since Ben left no directions on how the power of botany could save Teh Island.
We cut to a scene with the Bomb Squad over on the freighter. It's a hit new show about a crazy time-traveling Scottish man, an African-American father looking for redemption, and a Korean man with a shady past and a baby on the way who team up to stop things from going 'splodey. What, it would have been awesome.
Desmond’s military training sadly didn’t cover how to diffuse frakking gigantic bombs aboard freighters of evil and doom.
Back to Jack and Locke: It’s Man of Science vs. Man of Faith part 500!
Locke and Jack both seem to realize that they are never ever going to agree or understand each other. Theirs is the bromance that shall never be. *tear*
Keamy has hauled Ben over to the helicopter where Frank is hanging out. Poor Frank is totally like the Skipper of this whole shebang - he takes some freaks out for a three hour tour and then gets stuck on a crazyass island with a bunch of psychos and weirdos.
Then Kate stumbles out of the jungle and Ben just barely restrains his eyeroll.
But Richard and crew are with her and there’s a big fight. Sayid and Keamy throw down and Richard shoots Keamy, thus preventing Sayid’s hardcoreness from inevitably triumphing and winning.
Zomg, given how season five played out I’m now wondering if Richard didn’t shoot and MISS on purpose in order to preserve the timeline! LOST I LOVE YOU.
Flashforward time. Walt (WAAAALT) pays Hurley a visit in the Looney Bin.
They discuss their visits from “Jeremy Bentham” and Hurley lies about Michael’s status to Walt. Walt guesses that the Oceanic Six are lying to protect others and he tells Hurley goodbye. Walt, you are a cool dude. Though I’d be more freaked out if a dead British philosopher came to visit me, just saying.
Hurley and Sawyer chill out in the Island past and Sawyer tries to figure out what Locke and Jack are saying to each other. Hurley offers Sawyer a fifty year old cracker.
Super delicious.
Ben tries to convince Richard to untie him and Richard is like, “I’m thinking about it.”
Ben: Oh, Frak you, Richard! Also, the rest of you freaks can leave now. Don’t let the metaphorical door hit you on the way out!
Kate and Sayid: For reals?
They foolishly don’t hang around to question Ben more and instead make a run for it.
And Ben is probably like “mwahaha” when they leave.
And Richard is like “le sigh.”
Locke is now telling Jack his moving the Island to save it plan and Jack is like WTF YOU CRAZY, OLD MAN. Locke is like, I believe in the power of the Island! And Jack is like THIS IS NOT SCIENTIFIC.
Uh, Jack, I hate to break it to you, but you’ve been on A CRAZY ISLAND for the past few months. Has ANYTHING on this Island EVER been Scientific or Logical? Get with the program dude!
Ben then hilariously waltzes back up after having been freed by Richard and Sayid’s badassery and is like ANUBIS ON A CRACKER, WHY ARE YOU JUST LOITERING AROUND HERE LOCKE, YOU SHOULD BE SAVING THE ISLAND RIGHT NOW!
Locke is like, you didn’t give me directions fool!
And Ben is still totally in a snit about Jacob playing favorite so Locke can pretty much NEVER expect to get directions from Ben. Also, Ben is a pathological liar who shot Locke, so I’m not really sure why Locke was even EXPECTING directions.
Ben uses a potted plant to activate the super sekrit elevator that goes down to the REAL orchid station. Zomg, is there a Stargate down there?
Jack is like THIS IS ILLOGICAL AND I WON’T GET ON THE ELEVATOR WITH YOU CRAZY MOFOS.
Locke is like, your loss, looser. And he gets in the elevator.
Over on the freighter, Michael is grilling Sun about another way off the boat. She reveals she’s pregnant and Michael promises to look after Jin for her.
The Bomb Squad figures out that they can use a tank of liquid nitrogen to cool the bomb battery and slow the clock down for a while. Good plan guys!
Meanwhile, Faraday and Juliet are all happy and optimistic. Quit it with the jinxing guys.
You're doomed. DOOMED.
We are now in the Orchid Station, which is full of 70s Dharma Era goodness.
And now, for one of the best Lost sequences of all time.
Locke finds ANOTHER ORIENTATION FILM STARRING DR. MARVIN CANDLE!
So Locke settles in to watch the film while Ben runs around moving furniture or something. I suspect that Locke is the person who always reads the instruction manual before doing anything.
Ben, meanwhile, mutters under his breath about how Jacob clearly picked a self-starter, initiative-taker in Locke. Grumble.
Dr. Candle explains that the Orchid Station is where they do experiments with ELECTROMAGENTISM. Well that never bodes well.
Dr. Candle now shows us a bunny. UH OH. RUN AWAY BUNNY, RUN AWAAAAAAY.
Dr. Candle puts the bunny in the quantum leap accelerator and tells the audience to NEVER EVER UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES PUT METAL OBJECTS IN THE CHAMBER. EVER.
Meanwhile, Ben is doing exactly that off-screen. Locke’s expression is priceless here.
Locke asks Ben why he is doing that and Ben is like WHATEV FOOL, I AM THE MASTER OF THE ISLAND AND I CAN DO WHAT I WANT! ALSO, DO YOU HAVE A ANY METAL KNIVES ON YOU?
Then Locke and Ben stop bickering cause they hear a noise. It’s an intruder!
Kate, Sawyer, Jack, Hurley, and Sayid hop aboard the helicopter with Frank and head off to the freighter to tell them what’s going on.
They’re really all just making a run for it.
PEACE OUT BITCHEZ!
Keamy is the Orchid Station intruder! Nice shooting Richard. (Though it really might have been deliberate given Season Five. Awesome).
Locke tries to calm Keamy down and convince him not to hurt anyone else after Keamy reveals that he has a bio-bomb thingy on him and will totes blow up the freighter if his heart stops beating. Keamy has watched too much 24.
Keamy then taunts Ben about killing Alex, which is really just bad form.
Ben snaps and leaps out of the darkness like a flying squirrel and proceeds to beat the shit out of Keamy. Go Ben, go!
After getting his head bashed around some, Keamy is near death and Locke is horrified that the freighter might soon go ‘splodey. To which Ben replies: so?
OH, BEN.
Charlotte and Dan say goodbye, cause Charlotte has decided to stay on the Island, along with Rose and Bernard and Miles for varying reasons.
You're both doomed!
Poor deluded Juliet opts to not get on the boat with Dan since she says the others, meaning Jack and co., wouldn’t just leave her here.
Juliet, have you learned nothing from your years with Ben and reruns of the X-files? TRUST NO ONE. Especially not those whiney little Oceanic 815 bitches, i.e. Jack and Kate. Sayid is trustworthy, but he’s also ruthless and is cool with leaving people behind and/or offing them as needed. Hurley and Sawyer are excused since they weren’t aware Juliet was waiting for them. SO THIS IS ALL JACK AND KATE’S FAULT AS USUAL. (I say that with love ya’ll. They’re both total frak-ups and I love them).
Meanwhile, the Bomb Squad is running low on liquid nitrogen. UH OH.
Frank also has bad news for the chopper crowd: the gas tank has a bullet hole in it and they are losing fuel.
He tells them to lose some weight, which offends Hurley till he realizes that Frank meant to toss the equipment overboard.
They’re still too heavy though, so Sawyer demonstrates his Epic Character Development into a Big Damn Hero and jumps overboard! OH SAWYER.
He also tells Kate a parting secret before he jumps which ensures that Jack will be DRIVEN MAD WITH JEALOUS RAGE in the future. Lame.
In THE FUTURE Hurley is chillaxin with some ghosts in his room at the Looney Bin. Sayid waltzes in and tells Hurley that some strange people are watching him and they need to make a run for it.
Hurley is like, that’s cool dude, I can play chess with Mr. Eko later. Sayid is like, on second thought, why don’t you stay here in your padded cell.
Keamy is now dead and Locke is like, OH NOES THE FREIGHTER!
Ben could still care less. haha.
This is possibly because Ben knows how the future/his past (my brain, ow ow) will go and is thus not worried about people blowing up. Awesomesauce!
The bomb light turns red but it doesn’t go splodey yet since The Bomb Squad cooled it down with the Power of Science.
Michael says he’ll stay and tells Jin and Desmond to run for it. Jin says he’s staying to help and Desmond is like, peace out bitches and runs like hell. Go, Des, go! And I love Jin, but he was a dumbass here. Dude, you gots a babeh on the way, now isn't the time to be noble and crap!
Des sees the helicopter and screams loudly and Scottishly for them not to land.
Frank is like, I DON’T UNDERSTAND SCOTTISH BROTHA!
And Des is like, EVERYONE’S A COMEDIAN BROTHA. DON’T LAND!
But Frank is seriously losing fuel and lands anyway.
Desmond trots up and explains the situation while Sayid MacGyver’s a fix for the chopper. IRAQI MACGYVER FTW!
Kate hops off and gets Sun and Aaron on the chopper, and she agrees to go back for Jin.
But then Jack hops off and drags Kate back on and tells Frank to take off, there’s no time. Uh Jack, you kind of suck here. How hard would it have been to at least YELL INTO THE HATCH FOR JIN?
Poor, poor Jin
But at least Jin got to take part in the hot new foreign language program - the Dharma Time Travel Exchange! It's way cooler than that Rosetta Stone crap.
So they take off and Desmond and Sun are protesting and Jin runs out and there’s lots of yelling and then lots of exploding and then lots of screaming and it’s brutal.
Sad show is sad.
Oh and Michael totes saw Christian Sheppard before he blew up.
WTFPOLARBEAR??
In the future Sun is in London (for reals, we can see Tower Bridge behind her!) and corners Charles Widmore on the street and they have shady dealing shenanigans and start a Kill Ben club.
Blah blah.
Having killed Keamy, Ben now proceeds to turn on the chamber filled with metal objects. Locke is like, are you sure this is a good ... AAH BLINDING WHITE LIGHT AAAHH!
You guys think that was bad, just wait till the end of this episode!
The chamber has gone splodey and Mad Scientist Ben is like mwahaha.
And now for an EPIC SCENE OF EPICNESS AND HOTNESS.
Sawyer emerges out of the ocean like some sort of sea god, sans shirt. Those darn things just refuse to stay on Sawyer.
He encounters Juliet who has hilariously zero reaction to Sawyer’s sea god impersonation.
Juliet is too busy getting drunk off her ass since the damn freighter blew up and she’s still stuck on Craphole Island.
Sawyer is like “look how hot I am, flirting with you, good tiems”
Juliet is like, “STFU I’m busy being depressed. The freighter went ‘splodey!”
Sawyer is like “Well, crap. Give me that liquor!”
Juliet is like “Get your own!” And then they proceed to fight over the alcohol. True story.
ETA: I'm amazed Sawyer and Juliet weren't puking their brains out during their first time jumps after having consumed copious amounts of alcohol. Those two have iron clad stomachs, that's for sure.
Ben now emerges with a chic Dharma parka and other winter gear from the Land’s End Special Dharma Edition Catalogue, circa 1977.
Locke is like, WTF, and Ben says, it’s cold where he’s going. Perhaps there’s a POLAR BEAR there!
Ben bids Locke a fond farewell, which runs along the lines of, “Well, I am sorry I wasn’t able to kill you and I’m even MORE sorry that Jacob seems to like you better, but you have fun running the Island cause it is a THANKLESS JOB my friend. The Others are all whiny bitches, Jacob is an asshole, and the Island is FRAKKING INSANE. So I’m just gonna go SAVE THE DAY now so you can go be king of the Island. You suck.”
And Ben’s parting shot is epic: Destiny is a fickle fickle bitch, John. HAHA.
And also, true. Especially if your name is John Locke.
Locke goes outside and finds Richard and the others. Richard wonders where Ben is and Locke is like I AM YOUR LEADER NOW! HELLO, MY PEOPLE! And Richard is like, well you’re going to get annoying really fast.
Richard then runs off and is like, quick everyone get out your foil hats! Ben’s about to move the island and we sure as hell aren’t going on a time jump adventure with THAT nutcase!
Thus begins the MOST EPIC SCENE EVER!!!
Ben goes down into a frozen cave where he see THE FROZEN DONKEY WHEEL. Cue the sounds of awe.
Fun fact: This was totally the original prototype of the Stargate. True story.
Ben chops the ice away and the proceeds to move the wheel, which is frozen and is thus no mean feat. The frozenness also means that Ben isn’t turning the wheel correctly and is about to cause some wacky shenanigans to ensue.
And things start lighting up and making weird sounds and it’s a lot like that time Des blew up the hatch, zomg.
AND THEN BEN MOVES THE FREAKING ISLAND!!! And my brain exploded when I first saw this, and I still haven’t gotten over it. IT IS EPIC.
So everyone else is blinded by the light and the people in the helicopter see THE ISLAND DISAPPEAR!!
See ya next season, Juliet, Sawyer, Dan and the boaters, Rose and Bernard, Charlotte, and Richard!
The people on the chopper have a WTFPOLARBEAR moment to end all WTF moments. And then Frank is like, we’re out of gas zomg, and the chopper crashes into the ocean.
Sayid was smart enough to toss a lifeboat overboard and the group all climb aboard.
Desmond isn’t breathing! But Jack saves him. OK, bonus points to Jack.
Are those Jears or is it just the ocean we spy? No, those are totes Jears.
And they are all screwed.
In the future, Kate and her Not!Son Aaron are snoozing. But then Kate hears in intruder!
Claire busts in and is like YOU STOLE MY BABEH! No, actually, she tells Kate not to bring Aaron back to the Island. And I'm like WTF.
On the lifeboat it is now nighttime. Hurley wonders aloud about the island disappearing and Jack is like SHUT UP IT DID NOT. And Hurley is like, uh, do you have a better explanation? Ben said he’d move the Island and IT FREAKING DISAPPEARED!
Jack pouts.
Everyone else is like, too emo to respond.
Jack has now turned into Locke since he’s believing in things that aren’t there, like the Island.
Then some lights appear and it’s a boat. They’re saved! I wouldn’t celebrate just yet people: last time a boat arrived to “save” people at sea it was some crazy ass hillbilly Others who kidnapped WAAAALT, thus ushering in one of Lost’s more annoying eras. EPIC FAIL.
This boat is cool though cause it really IS Penny’s boat (unlike the Freighter of Doom). Des and Penny reunite epically.
LOVE IT!
Jack starts coughing awkwardly and reminds the reunited couple that there are other people present. J/K. No, Penny and Des recall their manners and welcome everyone aboard The Love Boat.
Des dorkily introduces all his Island friends to his girlfriend, and it’s kind of hilarious.
Also, I can’t watch this scene now without remembering the blooper reel. Awesome.
Jack, Debbie Downer that he is, tells Penny that they need to have a Serious Talk.
She and Des are like, uh, can’t we have Reunion!Sex first? C’mon!
Cut to daytime. We learn that the Oceanic Six staged their whole beach landing and rescue and cooked up their whole Indonesia story on Penny’s boat. Des is staying with her of course, and Frank is gonna get dropped off somewhere else later with a case of alcohol, most likely. I like the idea that Frank partied in Fiji or someting for about a year before going back to work as a pilot.
The three bid farewell to the Oceanic Six and then are like FINALLY. Des and Penny run off to start making babies and Frank runs off to get drunk. See ya next season guys!
And then the Oceanic Six are “rescued.”
Flashforward. Jack drives around town listening to Nirvana (HAHAHA) in his crappy car with his beard and his alcohol and his drugs.
JACK, PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER MAN!
He breaks into a funeral home and emos over a coffin.
Then Ben waltzes in. BEN!! He tells Jack that they have to go back to the Island to save everyone from Teh Horror that has befallen them and Jack is like yeah, that’s what coffin guy said.
Ben gives him an AA pep talk and Jack is like I NOW BELIEVE IN DESTINY, I AM SO IN ON THIS CRAZY SCHEME!
Ben cackles evilly and then informs Jack they’ll be taking the body with them. CREEPY.
We pan down to see that the dead dude is JOHN LOCKE!
And thus ends season four of Lost. AND IT WAS AWESOME.