BSG Picspam - The Bizarroverse
Greetings! So I've had a super long BSG hiatus, but I was gifted 4.5 for Christmas and after rewatching some of the eps, I've gotten inspired. So here be some crackified 4.5 for you. Fair warning: I am not a huge fan of this season. So this is not only cracked out, but highly snarky. I snark out of love though. :-) Hope you enjoy!
All caps from black-celebration and resized and such by me. Spoilers for the entire series, just fyi.
Sometimes a Bizarre Notion
Previously on a show called Battlestar Galactica: Cylons were shifty. Humans were frakked up. Bill and Laura were the most awesome people in the entire universe, hands down. Lee was a Leemo. Kara was frakked up, but badass. Helo was moral (at least he thought so). Athena was devoted to her family. Chief was maudlin. Tory was wacky. Tigh was awesome, but frakked up. Sam was confused. Leoben was emo and all-knowing. D’Anna was a nut, but awesome. The Sixes were crazypants, and badass. Dee was barely on the show. Gaeta was nice. Zarek was lame. And Baltar was hilarious and crazy.
Forget all of that though because now we are joining a show called BIZARROVERSE GALACTICA where NOTHING IS THE SAME. Get ready bitches, it’s gonna be a weird and bizarre ride.
So these random people have all found Earth (OR DID THEY? Well they think they did at any rate which is a large part of the problem here) and Earth is a Nuclear Shithole. The Radiation is probably what triggered the onset of the Bizarroverse.
So everyone is hanging around looking confused and emo. Laura seems a few cards short of a full deck and is currently bonding with a sad little plant that survived the massive amounts of radiation. Uh, I wouldn’t hold that likely radioactive plant so close to my face, Roslin. Just saying.
Others are talking about how the planet is frakked, blah blah. The conversations go something like this.
D’Anna: So this place is frakked.
Adama: I’m too emo to respond. IT’S TOTALLY FRAKKED.
Helo: You just did respond.
Adama: Emo emo emo.
Helo: Shouldn’t we recon the entire planet before writing it off?
Adama: It’s all frakked. Emo emo.
Over by a lovely radioactive stream, Baltar decided that he was a scientist once more
Baltar: No one stop for a snack or a drink cause you know. RADIATION.
Sam: Hey when I was surviving on Caprica I had these nice radiation shot things and I was fine, so couldn’t we like inoculate people and hang out here?
Everyone else: huh?
Sam: Uh, where’s Doc Cottle, for reals
Elsewhere, Starbuck was talking with her Cylon BFF/Stalker, Leoben
Starbuck: Dude. This place sucks. I hope no one is pissed that I had a fit and led us all here. It was really the Final Five’s fault though. Damn secret Cylons, with their ability to find hidden maps on my viper.
Leoben: Well maybe it’s still part of your .... destiny?
Starbuck: You don’t sound certain about that. You always sound certain. I’d ask if you were a Cylon, but ya know. Got that covered.
Leoben: I’m confused.
Starbuck: Since when are you confused? I’m the confused one!
Leoben: Who?
Here’s someone named “Dee,” who I don’t recall seeing in like 2 years
Dee: What’s up guys, I’m going to be on screen more than I ever have before in order to act as a red-herring. Enjoy! I’m going to have a meltdown and emo over some jacks now.
So the gang starts to head back to Galactica, and Dee mentions her jacks emo-ly.
Helo: Who plays jacks anyway? This was clearly 1950s Earth.
Dee: How do you know about Earth history?
Helo: Duh, I’m all knowing now.
Dee: EMO EMO EMO
So everyone gets back to Galactica and Roslin is supposed to make a speech, acknowledge the presence of others, fake pass out and chalk it up to the cancer so as not to wreck her authority, quickly pass the baton to someone else so that she can make a legit exit, something along those lines. But no.
Fleet: OMG EARTH HOORAY, TELL US ABOUT IT
Roslin: meep.
Fleet: WHAT’S UP MADAM PREZ, SPEECHIFY! LET’S HEAR ABOUT TEH EARTH!
Roslin: Uh, what Earth? I have no idea what you’re talking about. Gotta go.
Adama: Instead of salvaging this situation I’m going to run off with Laura now.
Lee: Wait, I’m in charge? What? What the hell is wrong with you two? Uh, ok, CALM DOWN FLEETERS THE PRESIDENT WILL TALK TO US...LATER. SHE’S OVERCOME WITH UH... SOME SORT OF EMOTION THAT IS NOT ALARMING AT ALL AND WILL UH, TALK LATER. OR SOMETHING.
Back on Craphole Earth
Starbuck: wow, I’m getting a colonial signal on my electronic device thing, let’s go check it out!
Leoben: Uh, shouldn’t you get someone else to go with? I’m uh, busy right now
Starbuck: WTF you are always looking for excuses to be alone with me.
Leoben: Nuh uh! No way.
Starbuck: YOU KIDNAPPED ME AND KEPT ME IN A HOUSE FOR 3 MONTHS
Leoben: No I didn’t! Shut up!
Back on Galactica, Dee went to visit the Agathons. For the first time ever.
Dee: Hi, I’m here to babysit even though I’ve never hung out with either Helo or Athena before! And you guys are really chipper, what gives?
Helo: Who cares about Earth? I mean, looking at it logically we are right back where we started.
Athena: Yeah that’s true. We’re still on the run from cylons bent on killing us all.
Helo: We’re still living on ships desperate for supplies.
Athena: We’re still looking for a habitable planet to live on.
Helo: Yep. I see no need to be emo since nothing has really changed. So we had a dream that didn’t work out. We’ll adapt! I mean, we adapted to a nuclear holocaust, and that was a way more traumatic change than this!
Dee: I’m not following you. Your kid is super cute though.
Elsewhere on Galactica, the Fleet Leaders were having a Meeting of Important Expository Revelations
Baltar: So big news: I’m back to being a scientist!
Six: That isn’t the news, idiot.
Baltar: Ok FINE I’ll tell them the other news: so the really big news is that the Earthlings were all cylons. Not as exciting as my career change, but whatev.
Roslin: *brain explodes*
Adama: WTF
Tigh: Wow, this is intriguing!
Lee: Uh, I’m probably pointing out the obvious here, but how on Kobol do you know they are Cylons? I mean, Baltar your testing methods haven’t exactly been consistently accurate in the past. Speaking of, has anyone bothered to test these “final five” yet? Cause they are obviously weird Cylons since they don’t have copies and they age. Maybe these Earth people were hybrids or something?
Baltar: This is true, I haven’t had sex with these Cylons so we’re not sure if they are Cylons are not. Tory is definitely a Cylon though. Cause I had sex with her.
Tigh: Yeah, that’s a good point, we should investigate this some more.
Everyone else: blank stares.
So the meeting ends and the Adama-Roslins head outside
Lee: Uh, I’m starting to get nervous. What’s wrong with everyone? Madam Prez you need to go chat with the people cause they’re gonna start rioting. I mean, remember that time you passed out for like 10 minutes the press panicked and nearly attacked Billy? Ringing a bell?
Roslin: meep.
Lee: Dad, seriously, this is like freaky Friday around here. I’m the only one making sense!
Adama: Huh?
Lee: Look, the Prez needs to snap out of it.
Adama: She’s due a mental breakdown man, cut her some slack. I’ll go talk to her.
Lee: Ok, just don’t enable her. I’m serious, pin a frakking medal to her chest if you need to, just get her functioning again. Hey, don’t walk off while I’m still talking to you mister!
Back on Radiation Beach, Chief had a crossover TV experience
Tyrol: This all seems really familiar...wait, what is that weird whooshy sound I’m hearing?
FLASHBACK TIME (Lost Style)!!
Past!Tyrol: Buying some fruit, looking like a professor. Life is good...wait what’s that blinding flash....oh shit.
Tyrol: DUDE
Starbuck and Leoben were continuing their nature hike.
Starbuck: Kara Thrace, this isn’t ringing a bell? Leoben: Nope, we’ve never met.
Starbuck: QUIT BEING AN ASSHOLE, YOU FRAKKING KNOW WHO I AM
Leoben: What?
Poor Lee was so bewildered by recent developments that he thought it might still be season 1 and took refuge in the Pilot Briefing Room.
Lee: I am so confused. And I have to go talk to the Quorum and they’re going to ask where the President is and they may start throwing things and me and insulting my hair! It’s scary in there!
Dee: Your suit is ugly but I’m here to pep talk you. You are totally awesome and can handle the Quorum, no sweat. Reach for the stars! Believe in yourself!
Lee: Uh, thanks that’s nice of you. Which begs the question as to WHY you’re being nice since I admittedly treated you like crap.
Dee: Not sure what you’re talking about there. I just think you’re cute and awesome!
Lee: Uh, wanna go grab dinner later?
Dee: Sure!
Finally Leoben and Starbuck came across a familiar Viper.
Leoben: I wouldn’t look over there if I were you
Starbuck: Oh, now you’re suddenly up on things again. Shut up, I’m gonna go check out this crashed viper that looks oddly familiar.
Leoben: *backs away slowly*
Starbuck: Oh hey it’s a body....with my dog tags... WTF POLAR BEAR ZEUS ON A FRAKKING CRACKER GAIUS CHRIST ALMIGHTY THAT’S ME?? CRAP CRAP CRAP ZOMGS.
Leoben: ZOMBIE ALERT, AAAHHHHH!!! I KNEW IT! *Runs away.*
Starbuck: GET BACK HERE YOU FRAKKER, YOU TOLD ME I HAD A SPECIAL DESTINY. I WANT SOME ANSWERS FOOL!
Leoben: I’ve made a huge mistake, gotta go.
Sam was also exploring the Radioactive Ruins of Earth (Which was Radioactive).
Sam: These Earth artifacts are fascinating. Hm, this could be like a guitar, do do do. WOW I WAS A MUSICIAN IN MY EARTH!PAST, HOW NEAT! Or else I was big on Guitar Hero. Either way.
So Sam went to tell his buddy Chief all about his amazing past career
Sam: Chief, what’s up? I remembered that I was a musician and I played that funky song we were all hearing before!
Chief: That’s cool dude. I was a professor and I just found myself incinerated on this wall here.
Sam: Uh, that’s kind of disturbing.
Chief: I’ll say.
Tory: Hey gang, I’m having Earth memories too.
Sam: Weird.
Tory: Totally. We should probably hang out here for awhile and investigate this some more. We might have all sorts of answers!
Chief: That would be the logical thing to do after all.
Over in the Adama-Roslin Quarters, Roslin was disobeying Fleet Fire Safety Protocols. For shame, Madam President.
Roslin: *setting her copy of pythia on fire* ETA: I hope the ventilation in Bill’s quarters is all right or you might have a problem!
Adama: Hey, Laura, how’s it going?
Roslin: This is all my fault. I’m a murderer. Earth was a lie. Soul crushing despair. Everything I’ve believed in is a lie. Setting things on fire.
Adama: Uh, I mean Earth is crappy but we’ll get through it. With seckings. Or hey I know, why don’t we go see Doc Cottle for some more cancer treatment? That’s always exciting.
Roslin: I’d rather stay here and be emo and set crap on fire.
Adama: Well if you insist.
Roslin: I’m not really emotionally equipped to do much of anything right now, including insisting.
Adama: Ok well I’ll just leave you alone to work through all this. Seems like a good plan. This really painful to watch. Don’t set anything vital on fire, like the rack.
Roslin: emo emo emo.
Meanwhile...
Starbuck: I’m attending my own funeral. WEIRD SHIT IS WEIRD.
Back on Galactica, Lee was continuing his Uninterrupted Stint of Being Awesome.
Lee: Well dinner was really fun!
Dee: Totally! Tell me all about your quorum speech again!
Random Dude: STOP BEING CHEERFUL
Lee: haha, ok. It was pretty awesome and surprisingly coherent, logical, and even convincing! I told everyone to suck it up and deal with this Earth crap and that we’re basically back where we started and we need to just regroup and keep on going and choose to survive. It was really great! Fortunately President Roslin left notes about various speeches she might need to make in the future including “Greetings fleet I’ve married the Admiral,” “Tom Zarek accidentally airlocked himself, oh no,” “Earth is super awesome, hooray,” “Earth isn’t so great, boo,” “Insert Name here is a secret Cylon let’s airlock/accept him/her.” I just cobbled together some material from different things, added some of my own stuff, and ended up with a pretty good quorum speech if I do say so.
Dee: It was amazing!
Lee: Yeah I just knew exactly what to say and it actually seemed to be helpful. It was crazy awesome!
And then Dee killed herself. Dee, you were a nice person with a good heart and you put up with a lot of crap in your day. You’ll be missed.
So after that the Adama men were pretty shaken up. Lee held it together admirably, but the Admiral on the other hand...
Adama: OUT OF THE WAY BITCHES, I AM DRUNK OFF MY ASS.
Fleet: Anarchy and riots!! Fights in the halls! Graffiti!
Fleeter: Dude the Admiral is shitfaced and the President is AWOL. THINGS ARE COMPLETELY OUT OF CONTROL. WE NO LONGER HAVE LEADERS!
Other Dude: I say we frakking mutiny
Another Dude: Yeah, I’ll keep that in mind. This frakking sucks. Seriously, who the hell is in charge around here?
So Drunk!Adama headed over to Saul Tigh’s Quarters in search of more booze
Adama: HEY SAUL WHAT’S UP. YOU ONLY HAVE ONE EYE, FRAKKING LOSER.
Tigh: Uh, Bill it’s 10 in the morning. What the frak. Since when do you get completely wasted? I’m the alcoholic, stop stealing my thunder!
Adama: THAT’S RIGHT YOU ARE AN ALCOHOLIC. WITH ONE EYE. FRAK YOU!
Tigh: Well you’re just being belligerent. Go home, seriously.
Adama: NO I’M GONNA DRINK MORE HERE. YOU SHOULD DRINK WITH ME
Tigh: Apparently the alcohol impacted your volume control as well.
Adama: YOU’RE A FRAKKING EVIL TOASTER, I HAAAATE YOOOOUUU
Tigh: Really? I mean, how can you accuse me of being an evil toaster? It’s not like I was AWARE of the fact and I wasn’t up to nefarious toaster activities. Also, the 5 are like frakking weird, I’m still not clear on how exactly we ARE Cylons. Don’t be judgmental.
Adama: FRAK YOU, YOU TOASTER, YOU CYLON TOASTER FRAK TOAST....
Tigh: You’re missing some parts of speech there.
Adama: HEY YOUR WIFE WAS A WHORE. SO THERE. YOU WERE MARRIED TO SLUTTY MCSLUTTERSON
Tigh: Ok, shut the frak up. You have lost your damn mind, seriously.
Adama: OH SO WHY DON’T YOU JUST SHOOT ME! DOOOO IIIIITTT
Tigh: WELL MAYBE I WILL, ASSHOLE
Adama: GOOD I’LL HELP
Tigh: ZOMG, you are a gigantic tool. And where the frak is Roslin? How did she let you get this drunk?
Adama: Frak her, she’s setting stuff on fire in my quarters. Have I told you my story about suicidal foxes who drowned themselves? It’s super depressing!
Tigh: And you left Roslin alone there? With access to matches and flammable material? That doesn’t bode well. And what the frak are you talking about? Foxes? Drowning? Is that some sort of metaphor, cause it’s a weird one.
Adama: I’m super super emo. And mildly suicidal. Drowning foxes! SERIOUSLY, WHY DON’T YOU PUT ME OUT OF MY MISERY
Tigh: Shape up man, you’ve got a fleet to run. I’ll avoid punching you in the face because you are pathetic, and I am being bizarrely stable and in control. Also, I’ll let Roslin take the first swing at you for this. If she’s even up to it. I think someone might need to take a swing at her first to be honest. Now go get sobered up and get back to work! Zeus on a cracker, everyone has gone insane!
Adama: emo emo emo emo emo. drowning foxes. emo.
Over on Colonial One, where Lee was apparently living or something, Starbuck came to visit.
Lee: Oh, hi Kara, how are things?
Kara: Uh, not so great. You look upset.
Lee: Yeah, well Dee is dead.
Kara: Wow, that is really upsetting. I’m going to be supportive of you in your time of need and not burden you right now with my own problems, which are considerable.
Lee: It seems like we should be doing something else right now....
Kara: Having sex, drinking, yelling, boxing, some combo of those.
Lee: Yeah! Yet we’re behaving like mature adults.
Kara: Intriguing.
Lee: I think there was something in that radiation.
Kara: Yeah I feel ... sane.
Lee: And I feel ... competent.
Lee and Kara: Weird.
Meanwhile, the fleet’s erstwhile President was bonding with her Special Radioactive Plant. Yeah.
Over in CIC, a half sober Admiral decided to Speechify
Adama: Ok, fleet listen up. Earth is a frakked up crap hole. It’s a nuclear wasteland. Our hopes and dreams for the future have been destroyed. Life is terrible. We’re all doomed. Earth, our beacon of hope, is a radioactive disaster zone of woe and despair and depressing grey colors. Also, it was occupied previously by Cylons, meaning that we’re all related or Pythia was full of crap or maybe Cylons took over the 13th tribe and ate them all in a cannibalistic ritual. So our beliefs are proven false now and the foxes are drowning in the sea and....
Tigh: This is the worst speech EVER. Shut the frak up already! You’re making things worse!
Adama: At any rate, we now have to move on so we’re leaving Frakking Earth and we’re going to just find somewhere random to live. Cool, let’s jump. In like an hour or so, I might barf if we do it now. From all the booze. Adama out, btiches.
Tigh: That’s it? That’s all you’ve got?
Adama: What? That was a perfectly good speech.
Tigh: WHY IS EVERYONE INSANE? ZEUS ON A CRACKER
So Tigh decided to head back to Radioactive Earth to say ciao and he found D’Anna
D’Anna: What’s up.
Tigh: I was hoping to talk to someone sane, and given how everything seems reversed lately, I decided that you might be one of the sanest people alive right now. Since you were bonkers before and all.
D’Anna: You thought correctly my friend. I’ve decided to get off this crazy merry-go-round and stay here on Earth, where I shall commune with the spirits of my ancestors and ruminate on the glory days of my Laura Roslin Leadership Academy. Or day really, I had only just founded it. Whatever. Speaking of Roslin, what’s up with that radioactive plant? It can’t be good to have that thing so close to her face, I mean really.
Tigh: I’m gonna try to go get it and airlock it. Maybe she accidentally set it on fire though. I heard she burnt a good chunk of Bill’s library in an emo fit. You sure you won’t come with us? We’re in need of sane people right now.
D’Anna: No thanks, I’m good here. .... Why are you still here?
Tigh: I was waiting for something more dramatic to happen since this is your grand sendoff farewell thing. Maybe. You might pop up again later.
.....
D’Anna: Uh, I guess you can leave.
Tigh: Yeah. That was anticlimactic.
D’Anna: I’ll say. Ok, well bye.
Tigh: Uh, bye. I’m gonna go for a quick swim before heading out. Er, ok.
D’Anna: Cool.
Tigh: I’m just gonna go now.
D’Anna: Ok, bye.
Tigh: Bye.
10 minutes later Tigh finally left and decided to partially reenact that bizarre fox story that Bill had told him. When suddenly, he had a vision.
Tigh: Whoa, check it out, I remember my life as an Earthling! I wore stylish suits! I worked in an office! I had two eyes! Hell yeah! Except that I’m about to blow up. Win some, lose some. Wait, who is this person under the rubble?
Ellen: I’m baaaaack! Hell yeah! Guess who’s the final cylon?
Tigh: It’s you!
Ellen: It’s me! And you know what that means bb.
Tigh: What?
Ellen: We are now in the running for most epic AND most frakked up romance on the show!
Tigh: Awesome! Watch your backs Lee and Kara and Adama and Roslin. You bitches are going down!
Ellen: That’s the spirit bb!
All caps from black-celebration and resized and such by me. Spoilers for the entire series, just fyi.
Sometimes a Bizarre Notion
Previously on a show called Battlestar Galactica: Cylons were shifty. Humans were frakked up. Bill and Laura were the most awesome people in the entire universe, hands down. Lee was a Leemo. Kara was frakked up, but badass. Helo was moral (at least he thought so). Athena was devoted to her family. Chief was maudlin. Tory was wacky. Tigh was awesome, but frakked up. Sam was confused. Leoben was emo and all-knowing. D’Anna was a nut, but awesome. The Sixes were crazypants, and badass. Dee was barely on the show. Gaeta was nice. Zarek was lame. And Baltar was hilarious and crazy.
Forget all of that though because now we are joining a show called BIZARROVERSE GALACTICA where NOTHING IS THE SAME. Get ready bitches, it’s gonna be a weird and bizarre ride.
So these random people have all found Earth (OR DID THEY? Well they think they did at any rate which is a large part of the problem here) and Earth is a Nuclear Shithole. The Radiation is probably what triggered the onset of the Bizarroverse.
So everyone is hanging around looking confused and emo. Laura seems a few cards short of a full deck and is currently bonding with a sad little plant that survived the massive amounts of radiation. Uh, I wouldn’t hold that likely radioactive plant so close to my face, Roslin. Just saying.
Others are talking about how the planet is frakked, blah blah. The conversations go something like this.
D’Anna: So this place is frakked.
Adama: I’m too emo to respond. IT’S TOTALLY FRAKKED.
Helo: You just did respond.
Adama: Emo emo emo.
Helo: Shouldn’t we recon the entire planet before writing it off?
Adama: It’s all frakked. Emo emo.
Over by a lovely radioactive stream, Baltar decided that he was a scientist once more
Baltar: No one stop for a snack or a drink cause you know. RADIATION.
Sam: Hey when I was surviving on Caprica I had these nice radiation shot things and I was fine, so couldn’t we like inoculate people and hang out here?
Everyone else: huh?
Sam: Uh, where’s Doc Cottle, for reals
Elsewhere, Starbuck was talking with her Cylon BFF/Stalker, Leoben
Starbuck: Dude. This place sucks. I hope no one is pissed that I had a fit and led us all here. It was really the Final Five’s fault though. Damn secret Cylons, with their ability to find hidden maps on my viper.
Leoben: Well maybe it’s still part of your .... destiny?
Starbuck: You don’t sound certain about that. You always sound certain. I’d ask if you were a Cylon, but ya know. Got that covered.
Leoben: I’m confused.
Starbuck: Since when are you confused? I’m the confused one!
Leoben: Who?
Here’s someone named “Dee,” who I don’t recall seeing in like 2 years
Dee: What’s up guys, I’m going to be on screen more than I ever have before in order to act as a red-herring. Enjoy! I’m going to have a meltdown and emo over some jacks now.
So the gang starts to head back to Galactica, and Dee mentions her jacks emo-ly.
Helo: Who plays jacks anyway? This was clearly 1950s Earth.
Dee: How do you know about Earth history?
Helo: Duh, I’m all knowing now.
Dee: EMO EMO EMO
So everyone gets back to Galactica and Roslin is supposed to make a speech, acknowledge the presence of others, fake pass out and chalk it up to the cancer so as not to wreck her authority, quickly pass the baton to someone else so that she can make a legit exit, something along those lines. But no.
Fleet: OMG EARTH HOORAY, TELL US ABOUT IT
Roslin: meep.
Fleet: WHAT’S UP MADAM PREZ, SPEECHIFY! LET’S HEAR ABOUT TEH EARTH!
Roslin: Uh, what Earth? I have no idea what you’re talking about. Gotta go.
Adama: Instead of salvaging this situation I’m going to run off with Laura now.
Lee: Wait, I’m in charge? What? What the hell is wrong with you two? Uh, ok, CALM DOWN FLEETERS THE PRESIDENT WILL TALK TO US...LATER. SHE’S OVERCOME WITH UH... SOME SORT OF EMOTION THAT IS NOT ALARMING AT ALL AND WILL UH, TALK LATER. OR SOMETHING.
Back on Craphole Earth
Starbuck: wow, I’m getting a colonial signal on my electronic device thing, let’s go check it out!
Leoben: Uh, shouldn’t you get someone else to go with? I’m uh, busy right now
Starbuck: WTF you are always looking for excuses to be alone with me.
Leoben: Nuh uh! No way.
Starbuck: YOU KIDNAPPED ME AND KEPT ME IN A HOUSE FOR 3 MONTHS
Leoben: No I didn’t! Shut up!
Back on Galactica, Dee went to visit the Agathons. For the first time ever.
Dee: Hi, I’m here to babysit even though I’ve never hung out with either Helo or Athena before! And you guys are really chipper, what gives?
Helo: Who cares about Earth? I mean, looking at it logically we are right back where we started.
Athena: Yeah that’s true. We’re still on the run from cylons bent on killing us all.
Helo: We’re still living on ships desperate for supplies.
Athena: We’re still looking for a habitable planet to live on.
Helo: Yep. I see no need to be emo since nothing has really changed. So we had a dream that didn’t work out. We’ll adapt! I mean, we adapted to a nuclear holocaust, and that was a way more traumatic change than this!
Dee: I’m not following you. Your kid is super cute though.
Elsewhere on Galactica, the Fleet Leaders were having a Meeting of Important Expository Revelations
Baltar: So big news: I’m back to being a scientist!
Six: That isn’t the news, idiot.
Baltar: Ok FINE I’ll tell them the other news: so the really big news is that the Earthlings were all cylons. Not as exciting as my career change, but whatev.
Roslin: *brain explodes*
Adama: WTF
Tigh: Wow, this is intriguing!
Lee: Uh, I’m probably pointing out the obvious here, but how on Kobol do you know they are Cylons? I mean, Baltar your testing methods haven’t exactly been consistently accurate in the past. Speaking of, has anyone bothered to test these “final five” yet? Cause they are obviously weird Cylons since they don’t have copies and they age. Maybe these Earth people were hybrids or something?
Baltar: This is true, I haven’t had sex with these Cylons so we’re not sure if they are Cylons are not. Tory is definitely a Cylon though. Cause I had sex with her.
Tigh: Yeah, that’s a good point, we should investigate this some more.
Everyone else: blank stares.
So the meeting ends and the Adama-Roslins head outside
Lee: Uh, I’m starting to get nervous. What’s wrong with everyone? Madam Prez you need to go chat with the people cause they’re gonna start rioting. I mean, remember that time you passed out for like 10 minutes the press panicked and nearly attacked Billy? Ringing a bell?
Roslin: meep.
Lee: Dad, seriously, this is like freaky Friday around here. I’m the only one making sense!
Adama: Huh?
Lee: Look, the Prez needs to snap out of it.
Adama: She’s due a mental breakdown man, cut her some slack. I’ll go talk to her.
Lee: Ok, just don’t enable her. I’m serious, pin a frakking medal to her chest if you need to, just get her functioning again. Hey, don’t walk off while I’m still talking to you mister!
Back on Radiation Beach, Chief had a crossover TV experience
Tyrol: This all seems really familiar...wait, what is that weird whooshy sound I’m hearing?
FLASHBACK TIME (Lost Style)!!
Past!Tyrol: Buying some fruit, looking like a professor. Life is good...wait what’s that blinding flash....oh shit.
Tyrol: DUDE
Starbuck and Leoben were continuing their nature hike.
Starbuck: Kara Thrace, this isn’t ringing a bell? Leoben: Nope, we’ve never met.
Starbuck: QUIT BEING AN ASSHOLE, YOU FRAKKING KNOW WHO I AM
Leoben: What?
Poor Lee was so bewildered by recent developments that he thought it might still be season 1 and took refuge in the Pilot Briefing Room.
Lee: I am so confused. And I have to go talk to the Quorum and they’re going to ask where the President is and they may start throwing things and me and insulting my hair! It’s scary in there!
Dee: Your suit is ugly but I’m here to pep talk you. You are totally awesome and can handle the Quorum, no sweat. Reach for the stars! Believe in yourself!
Lee: Uh, thanks that’s nice of you. Which begs the question as to WHY you’re being nice since I admittedly treated you like crap.
Dee: Not sure what you’re talking about there. I just think you’re cute and awesome!
Lee: Uh, wanna go grab dinner later?
Dee: Sure!
Finally Leoben and Starbuck came across a familiar Viper.
Leoben: I wouldn’t look over there if I were you
Starbuck: Oh, now you’re suddenly up on things again. Shut up, I’m gonna go check out this crashed viper that looks oddly familiar.
Leoben: *backs away slowly*
Starbuck: Oh hey it’s a body....with my dog tags... WTF POLAR BEAR ZEUS ON A FRAKKING CRACKER GAIUS CHRIST ALMIGHTY THAT’S ME?? CRAP CRAP CRAP ZOMGS.
Leoben: ZOMBIE ALERT, AAAHHHHH!!! I KNEW IT! *Runs away.*
Starbuck: GET BACK HERE YOU FRAKKER, YOU TOLD ME I HAD A SPECIAL DESTINY. I WANT SOME ANSWERS FOOL!
Leoben: I’ve made a huge mistake, gotta go.
Sam was also exploring the Radioactive Ruins of Earth (Which was Radioactive).
Sam: These Earth artifacts are fascinating. Hm, this could be like a guitar, do do do. WOW I WAS A MUSICIAN IN MY EARTH!PAST, HOW NEAT! Or else I was big on Guitar Hero. Either way.
So Sam went to tell his buddy Chief all about his amazing past career
Sam: Chief, what’s up? I remembered that I was a musician and I played that funky song we were all hearing before!
Chief: That’s cool dude. I was a professor and I just found myself incinerated on this wall here.
Sam: Uh, that’s kind of disturbing.
Chief: I’ll say.
Tory: Hey gang, I’m having Earth memories too.
Sam: Weird.
Tory: Totally. We should probably hang out here for awhile and investigate this some more. We might have all sorts of answers!
Chief: That would be the logical thing to do after all.
Over in the Adama-Roslin Quarters, Roslin was disobeying Fleet Fire Safety Protocols. For shame, Madam President.
Roslin: *setting her copy of pythia on fire* ETA: I hope the ventilation in Bill’s quarters is all right or you might have a problem!
Adama: Hey, Laura, how’s it going?
Roslin: This is all my fault. I’m a murderer. Earth was a lie. Soul crushing despair. Everything I’ve believed in is a lie. Setting things on fire.
Adama: Uh, I mean Earth is crappy but we’ll get through it. With seckings. Or hey I know, why don’t we go see Doc Cottle for some more cancer treatment? That’s always exciting.
Roslin: I’d rather stay here and be emo and set crap on fire.
Adama: Well if you insist.
Roslin: I’m not really emotionally equipped to do much of anything right now, including insisting.
Adama: Ok well I’ll just leave you alone to work through all this. Seems like a good plan. This really painful to watch. Don’t set anything vital on fire, like the rack.
Roslin: emo emo emo.
Meanwhile...
Starbuck: I’m attending my own funeral. WEIRD SHIT IS WEIRD.
Back on Galactica, Lee was continuing his Uninterrupted Stint of Being Awesome.
Lee: Well dinner was really fun!
Dee: Totally! Tell me all about your quorum speech again!
Random Dude: STOP BEING CHEERFUL
Lee: haha, ok. It was pretty awesome and surprisingly coherent, logical, and even convincing! I told everyone to suck it up and deal with this Earth crap and that we’re basically back where we started and we need to just regroup and keep on going and choose to survive. It was really great! Fortunately President Roslin left notes about various speeches she might need to make in the future including “Greetings fleet I’ve married the Admiral,” “Tom Zarek accidentally airlocked himself, oh no,” “Earth is super awesome, hooray,” “Earth isn’t so great, boo,” “Insert Name here is a secret Cylon let’s airlock/accept him/her.” I just cobbled together some material from different things, added some of my own stuff, and ended up with a pretty good quorum speech if I do say so.
Dee: It was amazing!
Lee: Yeah I just knew exactly what to say and it actually seemed to be helpful. It was crazy awesome!
And then Dee killed herself. Dee, you were a nice person with a good heart and you put up with a lot of crap in your day. You’ll be missed.
So after that the Adama men were pretty shaken up. Lee held it together admirably, but the Admiral on the other hand...
Adama: OUT OF THE WAY BITCHES, I AM DRUNK OFF MY ASS.
Fleet: Anarchy and riots!! Fights in the halls! Graffiti!
Fleeter: Dude the Admiral is shitfaced and the President is AWOL. THINGS ARE COMPLETELY OUT OF CONTROL. WE NO LONGER HAVE LEADERS!
Other Dude: I say we frakking mutiny
Another Dude: Yeah, I’ll keep that in mind. This frakking sucks. Seriously, who the hell is in charge around here?
So Drunk!Adama headed over to Saul Tigh’s Quarters in search of more booze
Adama: HEY SAUL WHAT’S UP. YOU ONLY HAVE ONE EYE, FRAKKING LOSER.
Tigh: Uh, Bill it’s 10 in the morning. What the frak. Since when do you get completely wasted? I’m the alcoholic, stop stealing my thunder!
Adama: THAT’S RIGHT YOU ARE AN ALCOHOLIC. WITH ONE EYE. FRAK YOU!
Tigh: Well you’re just being belligerent. Go home, seriously.
Adama: NO I’M GONNA DRINK MORE HERE. YOU SHOULD DRINK WITH ME
Tigh: Apparently the alcohol impacted your volume control as well.
Adama: YOU’RE A FRAKKING EVIL TOASTER, I HAAAATE YOOOOUUU
Tigh: Really? I mean, how can you accuse me of being an evil toaster? It’s not like I was AWARE of the fact and I wasn’t up to nefarious toaster activities. Also, the 5 are like frakking weird, I’m still not clear on how exactly we ARE Cylons. Don’t be judgmental.
Adama: FRAK YOU, YOU TOASTER, YOU CYLON TOASTER FRAK TOAST....
Tigh: You’re missing some parts of speech there.
Adama: HEY YOUR WIFE WAS A WHORE. SO THERE. YOU WERE MARRIED TO SLUTTY MCSLUTTERSON
Tigh: Ok, shut the frak up. You have lost your damn mind, seriously.
Adama: OH SO WHY DON’T YOU JUST SHOOT ME! DOOOO IIIIITTT
Tigh: WELL MAYBE I WILL, ASSHOLE
Adama: GOOD I’LL HELP
Tigh: ZOMG, you are a gigantic tool. And where the frak is Roslin? How did she let you get this drunk?
Adama: Frak her, she’s setting stuff on fire in my quarters. Have I told you my story about suicidal foxes who drowned themselves? It’s super depressing!
Tigh: And you left Roslin alone there? With access to matches and flammable material? That doesn’t bode well. And what the frak are you talking about? Foxes? Drowning? Is that some sort of metaphor, cause it’s a weird one.
Adama: I’m super super emo. And mildly suicidal. Drowning foxes! SERIOUSLY, WHY DON’T YOU PUT ME OUT OF MY MISERY
Tigh: Shape up man, you’ve got a fleet to run. I’ll avoid punching you in the face because you are pathetic, and I am being bizarrely stable and in control. Also, I’ll let Roslin take the first swing at you for this. If she’s even up to it. I think someone might need to take a swing at her first to be honest. Now go get sobered up and get back to work! Zeus on a cracker, everyone has gone insane!
Adama: emo emo emo emo emo. drowning foxes. emo.
Over on Colonial One, where Lee was apparently living or something, Starbuck came to visit.
Lee: Oh, hi Kara, how are things?
Kara: Uh, not so great. You look upset.
Lee: Yeah, well Dee is dead.
Kara: Wow, that is really upsetting. I’m going to be supportive of you in your time of need and not burden you right now with my own problems, which are considerable.
Lee: It seems like we should be doing something else right now....
Kara: Having sex, drinking, yelling, boxing, some combo of those.
Lee: Yeah! Yet we’re behaving like mature adults.
Kara: Intriguing.
Lee: I think there was something in that radiation.
Kara: Yeah I feel ... sane.
Lee: And I feel ... competent.
Lee and Kara: Weird.
Meanwhile, the fleet’s erstwhile President was bonding with her Special Radioactive Plant. Yeah.
Over in CIC, a half sober Admiral decided to Speechify
Adama: Ok, fleet listen up. Earth is a frakked up crap hole. It’s a nuclear wasteland. Our hopes and dreams for the future have been destroyed. Life is terrible. We’re all doomed. Earth, our beacon of hope, is a radioactive disaster zone of woe and despair and depressing grey colors. Also, it was occupied previously by Cylons, meaning that we’re all related or Pythia was full of crap or maybe Cylons took over the 13th tribe and ate them all in a cannibalistic ritual. So our beliefs are proven false now and the foxes are drowning in the sea and....
Tigh: This is the worst speech EVER. Shut the frak up already! You’re making things worse!
Adama: At any rate, we now have to move on so we’re leaving Frakking Earth and we’re going to just find somewhere random to live. Cool, let’s jump. In like an hour or so, I might barf if we do it now. From all the booze. Adama out, btiches.
Tigh: That’s it? That’s all you’ve got?
Adama: What? That was a perfectly good speech.
Tigh: WHY IS EVERYONE INSANE? ZEUS ON A CRACKER
So Tigh decided to head back to Radioactive Earth to say ciao and he found D’Anna
D’Anna: What’s up.
Tigh: I was hoping to talk to someone sane, and given how everything seems reversed lately, I decided that you might be one of the sanest people alive right now. Since you were bonkers before and all.
D’Anna: You thought correctly my friend. I’ve decided to get off this crazy merry-go-round and stay here on Earth, where I shall commune with the spirits of my ancestors and ruminate on the glory days of my Laura Roslin Leadership Academy. Or day really, I had only just founded it. Whatever. Speaking of Roslin, what’s up with that radioactive plant? It can’t be good to have that thing so close to her face, I mean really.
Tigh: I’m gonna try to go get it and airlock it. Maybe she accidentally set it on fire though. I heard she burnt a good chunk of Bill’s library in an emo fit. You sure you won’t come with us? We’re in need of sane people right now.
D’Anna: No thanks, I’m good here. .... Why are you still here?
Tigh: I was waiting for something more dramatic to happen since this is your grand sendoff farewell thing. Maybe. You might pop up again later.
.....
D’Anna: Uh, I guess you can leave.
Tigh: Yeah. That was anticlimactic.
D’Anna: I’ll say. Ok, well bye.
Tigh: Uh, bye. I’m gonna go for a quick swim before heading out. Er, ok.
D’Anna: Cool.
Tigh: I’m just gonna go now.
D’Anna: Ok, bye.
Tigh: Bye.
10 minutes later Tigh finally left and decided to partially reenact that bizarre fox story that Bill had told him. When suddenly, he had a vision.
Tigh: Whoa, check it out, I remember my life as an Earthling! I wore stylish suits! I worked in an office! I had two eyes! Hell yeah! Except that I’m about to blow up. Win some, lose some. Wait, who is this person under the rubble?
Ellen: I’m baaaaack! Hell yeah! Guess who’s the final cylon?
Tigh: It’s you!
Ellen: It’s me! And you know what that means bb.
Tigh: What?
Ellen: We are now in the running for most epic AND most frakked up romance on the show!
Tigh: Awesome! Watch your backs Lee and Kara and Adama and Roslin. You bitches are going down!
Ellen: That’s the spirit bb!