Fic: Don't Ever Look Back 7/9 (Supernatural; Dean/Castiel, HS AU, Explicit)
Title: Don't Ever Look Back
Author: misachan
Artist: slinkymilinky (Link to Art Master Post)
Word Count: 4700
Characters/Pairings: Dean/Castiel, Dean/Anna, Sam, Uriel, Zachariah
Warnings: Violence (including violence between family members), drug use (nothing stronger than pot), underage drinking (nothing harder than beer), sex between an 18 and 17-year-old, sexuality angst
Summary: Another day, another town; when their bounty hunter father enrolls he and Sam in yet another school Dean thinks this will just be another town he'll forget five minutes after he leaves it. Things get more interesting when Sam befriends a classmate of Dean's and the lonely boy with the strange name and stranger family slowly gets under Dean's skin. Their new friendship gets complicated when it becomes clear that Castiel's brothers aren't just strange, they're dangerous, and the secrets they keep and the sins they bury have a lot to do with Dean. It would all be bad enough even without Dean starting to worry that maybe friendship isn't all he wants.
A Dean/Castiel high school love story with fist fights, movie nights, make outs, broken hearts, hospital vigils and a steamed up hotel shower.
So Cas didn't show up at lunch. Dean waited out there the whole time, huddled under the overhang to keep out of the rain and trying not to lose his temper. He wasn't answering texts and his phone went straight to voice mail, which was unusual but Dean was too pissed off to dwell on it. If Cas wanted to play games Dean had no interest in going along with it.
Dean had just walked into English class and realized he'd completely forgotten to do the stupid poetry assignment (the past few days had just driven home how much he'd depended on Cas to keep him on track, homework-wise) when his phone rang. He didn't recognize the number and almost let it go to voice mail but the way the teacher glared at him made him pick it up, purely out of spite. "Yeah, who is it?"
"Am I speaking with Dean Winchester?" The voice was female, the bored, professional tone of someone who spent most of the day talking to strangers.
"Um...yeah? Why?"
"You're listed as an emergency contact for a...." Dean could hear papers rustling. "Castiel Aingell. Are you an immediate family member?"
Dean latched on to the words emergency contact and dismissed everything else. "Is Cas okay? What happened?"
"I don't have any information on his current condition, only that he was admitted through the emergency room. Again, are you ---"
"What hospital? Where is he?" Dean felt like the world around him had slowed down; this didn't make sense, he'd just seen Cas that morning.
"Our Lady of Mercy, now...."
"I'm there. I'll be right there." He ended the call before she could say anything else, feeling cold sweat slide down his back. Cas was okay. He had to be.
He turned on his heel and walked out of the class, ignoring the teacher shouting after him about zeroes and detention because who the fuck cared?
Dean's mind raced as he started up the car and roared out into the street. The hospital was only about a mile away, fortunately close enough that he could keep the images of what might have happened flashing through his mind down to a minimum. It had to be a fight, had to be. Cas got into fight because Dean hadn't been there to back him up and then this had happened. Dean tried to tell himself that Cas had been the one keeping his distance but it didn't do anything to stop the ball of guilt from building in Dean's stomach.
It took longer than he liked to bluster his way past nurses and security (they kept asking if he was immediate family, which scared the hell out of Dean even though logically he knew Cas was still only seventeen and they needed to find an adult to sign off on things. He thought about calling Anna, remembering at the last second that she'd texted him earlier that day to say thanks for the car and that she was finally on her way home, and he wouldn't call any of the rest of them at gunpoint.) Fortunately though, Dean was good at bluster, and finally he found himself outside Castiel's room.
He was relieved to see he was awake; Dean knocked on the door and Cas looked up, unable to hide how astonished he was to see Dean standing there. "Dean? I...how did you know I was here?"
"The hospital called me, you dumbass. Apparently I'm your contact."
"Oh." Castiel lowered his eyes, a flush spreading over his cheeks. "I'd forgotten that. I'll change it back."
"You don't have to...." Dean just let out a deep sigh. "Can we stop doing this?"
Castiel started to shrug, wincing like the attempt hurt. "If you like."
Dean shook his head, walking over to check out the damage. There was a dark, ugly bruise over his left cheek, and Dean hoped the cheekbone wasn't cracked, and stitches in his lip, which Dean knew from experience was going to feel great once the painkillers wore off. "What'd I tell you about getting into fights without me?"
"I wasn't given much choice in the matter."
Dean pulled up the bedside chair and straddled it, drumming his fingers against its back. "Guess this is why you didn't show up at lunch, huh? Who was it?"
"It doesn't matter."
"Like hell it doesn't. I'm gonna put them in the bed right next to you."
"I told you Dean, it doesn't matter. It won't happen again."
Dean knew there was more to it but couldn't figure out why Cas would lie. "So, what were you gonna tell me, anyway?"
Castiel was quiet for a long time. "I don't think we should be friends anymore."
Whatever Dean had expected him to say, that wasn't it. "That's what you wanted to tell me?" he said, ignoring how his stomach had climbed up into his throat.
"I think it would be best."
"'Cause that doesn't sound like what you were gonna say. What's going on, Cas?"
"Nothing." Which was another lie, because his eyes were already red and welling up. "Just go away. I'm sorry I inconvenienced you."
"Stop with the bullshit, it's been going on for days now. Don't be such a bitch about this," he said, not able to catch himself before the words flew out. "I didn't mean that."
"You still said it," Cas snapped back. He closed his eyes as he tried to find a comfortable position, his hand pressed against his side. "Go away."
"God, you're cranky." Although really, Dean had to admit, beat up and in the hospital was a decent enough reason.
Castiel glared at him, apparently resigning himself to the fact that Dean wasn't going to magically disappear. "How did you do on the geometry quiz?"
Dean quirked on eyebrow. "What, the one tomorrow? Probably going to fail it."
Cas rolled his eyes. "Quizzes are always on Thursday."
"Which is tomorrow. Dude, how hard did they punch you?"
"Stop it, Dean. I got confused." He shifted on the bed some more. "Why do they keep these rooms so cold?"
"You serious? It's stuffy in here." Something about the way Castiel had said that raised the hair on Dean's neck, just the slightest amount of slurring. He took a hard look at Cas; Cas was pale normally but not like this. "You really feel cold, Cas?" he said, tipping his chin up. Castiel nodded, seeming to catch the tone in Dean's voice, and Dean felt his heart start to hammer when he felt that his skin was clammy. "Does your stomach hurt?"
"Of course it does," Cas said, slurring more and trying to cringe away from Dean's hand.
"Bad, though? Worse than an hour ago?"
Castiel nodded again. "The pain medicine is wearing off...." he said, and Dean didn't know what kind of look he had on his face but it made Cas trail off, alarm suddenly creeping into his eyes.
Dean moved his hand down and touched Castiel's abdomen, ignoring the outraged and embarrassed "Hey!" It didn't more than a second to realize Cas's stomach was rigid instead of soft and a quick flash of panic reached up to strangle him. He pressed the red call button hard and held it, swearing under his breath. He couldn't believe it had taken him so long to recognize shock when he was staring right at it.
"What's wrong with me?" Cas whispered, flat-out fear in his voice now.
"I think you're bleeding," Dean said, wincing when Cas' eyes went wide. "But you're in a hospital already, that's the best place to be. You're gonna be fine."
"My head feels funny," he whispered, like it had been for a while and he hadn't thought anything of it.
"That's part of the shock, you're gonna feel woozy. You gotta stay awake and keep talking to me, okay? Don't start panicking, getting your heart rate way up's just gonna make things worse." He looked around, wondering why in the hell no one ever answered those call buttons. "I'm gonna go find someone, I'll be right---"
Castiel grabbed his arm before he could even finish his sentence. "Don't leave."
Dean sat back down in the chair and held his hand. "Okay. Okay, I'm gonna stay right here, promise." Castiel's hand was cold and he was shaking, although Dean didn't know if that was the shock or if he was just that scared. Dean was feeling pretty shaky himself, in all honesty. "You just stay calm and stay awake, that's all you have to worry about." Castiel nodded, his hand squeezing Dean's tight. Dean couldn't keep his eyes off the blood pressure monitor; he knew how to read those and Cas was freaked out enough that his blood pressure should have been through the roof but the reading just kept falling.
When the nurse came in the machine started beeping. "He's bleeding," Dean said, cutting her off before she could say a word. "Go get the doctor." To his relief she did, although he guessed that had more to do with the machine beeping holy shit than anything he had to say.
"That sound's not good, is it?"
Cas' eyes were getting glassy and while Dean knew that was part of shock telling himself that didn't help at all. "You're gonna be fine. The doctor's coming."
"I'm sorry I kissed you," he whispered, squeezing Dean's hand. "I didn't mean to ruin everything."
Dean didn't get the chance to say anything back before the doctors burst in, motioning for Dean to get back and give them room. Dean moved back (letting go of Cas' hand was the hardest thing he'd ever had to do ) but made sure to stay where Cas could see him. Castiel kept his eyes locked on Dean as the doctors worked on him - Dean knew enough medical jargon to catch that shock of shocks, he'd been right - so Dean could see the exact moment his eyes started to flutter and roll back, a full second before he heard one of the doctors say, "This kid's BP is in the cellar, tell them to clear an OR" and two seconds before the blood pressure machine started to whine.
The logical part of his brain knew what was coming next - it had happened to him once, a couple of years back when he'd ripped his arm open on some barbed wire - but when the seizure started Dean felt cold panic hollow him out until he didn't think anything else was left. It felt like it lasted for a thousand years and when they finally stopped it all Dean could see was that Cas was so still.
The doctors' words were coming across as gibberish now but Dean caught the word "defib" and he felt his legs almost give out when he saw them bring out the paddles. He didn't know what he did to make them notice he was still standing there, but the next thing he knew a nurse was trying to push him out of the room. "No! No, I can't leave, I told him I wouldn't...." Over her shoulder he saw the doctor shock Cas, saw his body give that little jolt and one of the machines in the room stopped screaming. Dean didn't know if that was good or bad.
"Are you immediate family?" she said, and Dean didn't know how she could be so calm during all this.
"I...no, I'm not, we're friends but I told him...."
"Then you can't be here." The tone was kind but definite, and the next thing Dean knew was the room door being slammed in his face. There was paper over the little window so he couldn't even look inside.
Dean stumbled backward, slumping down against the far wall as his legs finally finished collapsing under him. He slid his phone out of his pocket in a daze, not realizing he'd been calling Anna until he heard her voice. "Dean?" He could hear the highway and pictured her driving with the windows open, her hair blowing back. Anything to wipe the last few minutes from his mind. "What's going on? I don't like to talk while I'm driving." He took too long to answer and she said, "I swear, if you pocket dialed me...."
"Cas got hurt," he finally forced out, not recognizing his own voice. "He got into a fight, he's in the hospital, it's...it's real bad. They know I'm not family, I didn't know who else...."
He heard a screeching sound and horns honking. "Okay. Okay, I just pulled off the highway. I'm on my way back."
"They had to use the paddles on him," Dean whispered, his voice cracking as everything started to sink in.
He heard Anna take a deep breath. "I'm on my way. I'll be there in less than two hours, I promise. Which hospital?"
"Our Lady of Mercy."
"I'm on my way." She hung up and Dean wrapped his arms around his knees, staring at Castiel's door. He dared anyone to make him go further.
***
When he saw Anna walk through those double doors Dean felt like he could finally start breathing again. He'd been persuaded to move to one of the hall benches and Anna spotted him immediately, throwing her bag down beside him and hugging him tight. "How is he? Do you know?"
Dean shook his head. "They're operating on him but they won't say anything else."
Anna's lips thinned and she stormed over to the nurse's station like a hurricane in heels. He couldn't hear what she was saying - apparently going quiet when they were mad was something she and Cas had in common - but it only took a few minutes for her to come back and sit next to him. "They're taking out his spleen. It'll be another hour before we know anything, maybe two."
"Fuck." Dean leaned his head back against the wall. "I should've gone for the doctor sooner, he just...he didn't want me to leave."
"What happened?"
"I don't know. He got into a fight, he wouldn't say with who." Dean didn't realize he was tapping his leg hard enough to shake the bench until Anna reached out to steady him. "He was so fucking scared."
She narrowed her eyes at him. "Why weren't you there, too?" It wasn't an accusation, just a very pointed what's wrong with this picture question.
Dean drummed his fingers against his knees. "Cas kissed me," he said softly. "A few days ago. And I just...I kind of freaked," he admitted. He closed his eyes, remembering that the last words Castiel had said to him was to apologize for that, like he was the one who'd done something wrong. "Things have been weird the past few days. I just figured...I don't know, it would blow over."
"Right, because ignoring problems always makes them go away."
"You don't look that surprised."
Anna shrugged. "I kind of thought the two of you had moved past that stage already?" She shifted around to face him, sitting with her legs under her. "Why did you think I backed off so hard? I know my brother Dean, and I know what it means when he looks at someone the way he looks at you."
Dean felt heat creep up over his cheeks. "I guess I didn't see it," he said, although in the back of his mind he remembered that dream and knew that was a lie.
"Or you didn't want to." He closed his eyes, wrapping his arms around his knees again. "Dean, look at me." He looked up, gritting his teeth for the excruciating conversation he knew was coming. "Did you want him to kiss you?" Dean opened his mouth to reflexively say no, but the memory of Cas' mouth hot and open against his strangled the lie. "Well, if the answer was no you would've said it by now."
"I don't want to talk about this."
"I'm not the one you have to talk about it with."
Dean supposed that was true. He couldn't stop thinking about what would have happened if he really had just let that call go to voice mail. "If I hadn't been there he'd would've died. He would've died all by himself."
She squeezed his arm. "Good thing you were there, then." She ran one hand through her hair. "I don't believe me and Castiel have the same taste in men."
That at least got a smile out of Dean. "I am pretty awesome." Then they both settled in for a long wait.
It was three hours before the doctor finally showed up with news, and each second Dean felt his nerves curl up into a tighter ball. She was a tiny woman, not one of the doctors who'd been working on Cas before, and as she pulled her mask down Dean braced himself for the words We did everything we could.
Instead, Dean heard, "Miss Milton? They're moving your brother into ICU recovery now. The operation went well but he needed two transfusions so we just want to be cautious. You should be able to visit him in a few minutes."
"I want to sit with him," Dean said. "I wanna make sure he knows I didn't leave."
The doctor's expression clouded. "You have to be family to be on the ICU visitor's list," she said. Dean marveled at how nice everyone here was while giving bad news. "I'm sure once he's moved....."
To Dean's surprise Anna reached out and grabbed his hand. "We're engaged," she said, giving Dean a sideways roll with it look. "So he's going to be family."
And the doctor gave them a look then, like she knew they were full of it but admired the chutzpah anyway. "I'll see what I can do," she said. "A nurse will tell you when he's ready for visitors."
Once the doctor was out of earshot Dean couldn't help himself from saying, "You move fast."
"I have to, otherwise my brother steals my boyfriends."
The word brother there reminded Dean there actually was something else was supposed to do today; he checked the time and groaned. "Oh fuck, I'm supposed to go pick up Sam at his science thing. I promised Cas I wouldn't leave."
"I'll get him," Anna said, already getting up. "At the school?"
"You sure?"
"Trust me, Castiel wants to see you much more than me."
"I don't know about that right now," Dean said, shaking his head."Bring Sam back with you, he'll want to be here."
Anna nodded. "We'll be back before you know it."
"Oh, wait, there's a code so he'll know I sent you. You've gotta say, 'Red five standing by' when you go pick him up."
Anna frowned, clearly trying to puzzle that one out. "What does that mean?"
"It means my brother's a giant nerd," Dean said, shaking his head again. "Thanks for this."
She kissed his forehead. "No problem. After all, if you play your cards right there's a good chance you might wind up as my brother-in-law after all this, isn't there?"
Dean could only blush as she walked away, for once not able to think of anything to say.
***
Dean hated ICUs. They were too quiet, everyone talking in whispers and the beeping of the machines getting under his skin until he could hear them in his sleep. This was his third time having to visit someone in one; the previous two had both been his father, once when he was twelve and his dad had gotten shot chasing down a runner (he'd had to lie about his age just to get in) and the second time when he was sixteen and a drunk swerved into their lane on I-75 in middle of nowhere Pennsylvania. That at least had taught him what to expect, but it didn't make it any easier to see Cas lying in that bed hooked up to machines. He pulled up the chair and cinched the thin curtain around the bed to give them some illusion of privacy. It didn't do anything to muffle the sound of the crying family surrounding the guy dying in the next bed and Dean closed his eyes, willing the sound away. Cas was only going to be here a little while. Just until they were sure he'd be okay, then they'd move him out of there.
"Hey, Cas," Dean said, pulling the chair close and taking his hand. "Told you I wasn't going anywhere." Castiel's hand was cold and he was white as the sheets, his dark hair in his face making him look even paler. "You're a fucking mess," he said, smoothing his hair out of his face. Dean knew it took a while for someone to come out of anesthesia but he still wanted Cas' eyes to open just then.
Dean took a long, hard looked at him, quieting the fear by cataloging the bruises. The left side of his face was swollen and bruised but Dean though it looked like that was from one solid punch. His face actually didn't look so bad, considering the beating he'd taken, which told Dean they'd kept it to body shots. He was sure it had to be they; Cas was too good a fighter to let one person take him apart like this. His chin was scraped up, like he'd been hit by someone wearing a ring or.... Dean's eyes narrowed. Like he'd tripped. Like he'd been tripped. He'd tried to make a run for it and someone had made sure he couldn't, Dean was going to kill whoever had done this.
He could see bruises circling his arms, like they'd been held behind his back. "Fucking cowards," Dean whispered. It wasn't enough they'd outnumbered him, they'd had to make it so he couldn't fight back, too.
Dean watched his chest rise and fall for a few endless minutes. "Wake up, Cas." His voice came out in such a dry rasp he barely recognized it.
"Here's the deal, okay?" he said, close to Castiel's ear like he was telling a secret. "You wake up, you can kiss me again. If you still want to." Dean knew he should have said this days ago. Maybe he would have to do this again later, Dean was fine with that, but it had to come out now. "We can try that all over again. And if I completely blew that, if you never want to kiss me again then fine, I'll deal with it. But you didn't do anything wrong, okay?" He squeezed Castiel's hand. "I know I freaked out but that was all on me. I was the one who screwed up, not you. I know I made you feel like I didn't want...like I didn't want you to kiss me but that's not true. That was all my screw-up. So you wake up and tell me whether I can make up for it, okay?"
Dean leaned back in the chair, stroking his fingers through Castiel's hair. "And if you really do think we shouldn't be friends anymore, that's okay. It's sucks but I deserve it. But you've gotta wake up and tell me yourself, 'cause I'm sitting right here until you do."
***
Anna let out a soft sigh of relief when she saw Castiel's eyes finally flutter open. "It's about time. I was starting to think we were going to have to find a handsome prince to kiss you already." His eyes focused on her, clear surprise on his face. "You've been out for over six hours. When anesthesia knocks you out it doesn't mess around."
She couldn't express what a relief if was that he was aware enough to glare at her. "What are you doing here?"
"Apparently when a minor get hospitalized they like to call in a relative to sign the forms. Better me than some of the others, isn't it." She crossed her arms over her chest. "So which of them was it?"
He turned his face away. "It doesn't matter."
"No. I guess it doesn't." She supposed it was a good sign that he hadn't ordered her out of the room yet. "Are you ever going to forgive me?"
He let out a rough, harsh breath. "You didn't even say goodbye."
"I know," she said, taking the chance to brush his hair off his forehead. "I'm sorry for that. I was afraid I'd lose my nerve if I did."
"Why did you do it? We counted on you."
"Do you really still have to ask me that? After this?"
He made a half-hearted attempt to shrug away. "I needed you," he whispered.
"I needed to be away. And I know that's selfish. Sometimes you have to be selfish or you look around and there's nothing of you left. I think you're starting to understand that, huh?" He still wouldn't look at her but his hand twitched toward her, and she took the unspoken invitation to hold his hand. "So when are you going to make your run for it?"
"I wouldn't."
"I don't see why. You've even got something to run to, don't you?"
He looked at her as if he thought she was making fun of him. "I don't know what you mean."
"You know exactly who I mean."
He looked away again, flushing red with embarrassment. "Dean doesn't care for me in that way."
"He hasn't been acting like someone who doesn't care."
Castiel gave her that look again, but there was the tiniest bit of hope in it now. "Dean's here?"
"Who do you think called me? The only reason he's not the one sitting here right now is that he was about to fall over and wind up in a bed right next to you, and he's sleeping on a bench outside right now because that's as far away as we could make him go. And his brother and I both had to threaten him to get him to go that far. He was right next to you the whole time you were in the ICU and he was there when they moved you here."
He lowered his eyes. "I thought I'd dreamt that," he murmured.
"Let me tell you a secret," she said, leaning in close. "Men are idiots." His eyes went wide with amused surprise. "Young guys are even bigger idiots. Especially when that young guy is being forced to face things about himself that maybe he isn't ready to look at." He squirmed a little bit, flushing even redder. "I don't know exactly what happened between the two of you but I know I've never seen someone beat themselves up more than Dean Winchester is doing right now. You might want to give him one more chance."
"What if it happens again?" he asked, his voice small and lost.
"Then you get hurt again. And that sucks but that doesn't mean you don't try." She ruffled his hair. "And points for style for being dramatic enough to try almost dying in front of him. All the magazines say that's the best way to land your man."
Castiel was quiet for a long time. "Why didn't you take me with you?"
"Would you have gone?" He looked away and she knew she had her answer.
"I don't know what to do. Tell me what to do."
"No." She squeezed his hand to take the sting out of the word. "I won't do that. You have to figure out what you want for yourself, and I'm sorry you have to do that younger than most people. If you have a chance for something now you have to take it, baby brother. Because I'm scared if you don't take that chance you'll wind up like Uriel. Always looking for someone to tell you what to do."
She could tell he was angry she'd invoked Uriel's name but he didn't have an answer for her. "I would have gone with you if you'd asked me to."
"But you wouldn't have asked to come with me first. That's my point." She kissed his forehead. "A little rebellion is good for the soul, Castiel. Give it a try."
-On to Part 8-
-Back to Masterpost-
-Back to Part 6-
Author: misachan
Artist: slinkymilinky (Link to Art Master Post)
Word Count: 4700
Characters/Pairings: Dean/Castiel, Dean/Anna, Sam, Uriel, Zachariah
Warnings: Violence (including violence between family members), drug use (nothing stronger than pot), underage drinking (nothing harder than beer), sex between an 18 and 17-year-old, sexuality angst
Summary: Another day, another town; when their bounty hunter father enrolls he and Sam in yet another school Dean thinks this will just be another town he'll forget five minutes after he leaves it. Things get more interesting when Sam befriends a classmate of Dean's and the lonely boy with the strange name and stranger family slowly gets under Dean's skin. Their new friendship gets complicated when it becomes clear that Castiel's brothers aren't just strange, they're dangerous, and the secrets they keep and the sins they bury have a lot to do with Dean. It would all be bad enough even without Dean starting to worry that maybe friendship isn't all he wants.
A Dean/Castiel high school love story with fist fights, movie nights, make outs, broken hearts, hospital vigils and a steamed up hotel shower.
So Cas didn't show up at lunch. Dean waited out there the whole time, huddled under the overhang to keep out of the rain and trying not to lose his temper. He wasn't answering texts and his phone went straight to voice mail, which was unusual but Dean was too pissed off to dwell on it. If Cas wanted to play games Dean had no interest in going along with it.
Dean had just walked into English class and realized he'd completely forgotten to do the stupid poetry assignment (the past few days had just driven home how much he'd depended on Cas to keep him on track, homework-wise) when his phone rang. He didn't recognize the number and almost let it go to voice mail but the way the teacher glared at him made him pick it up, purely out of spite. "Yeah, who is it?"
"Am I speaking with Dean Winchester?" The voice was female, the bored, professional tone of someone who spent most of the day talking to strangers.
"Um...yeah? Why?"
"You're listed as an emergency contact for a...." Dean could hear papers rustling. "Castiel Aingell. Are you an immediate family member?"
Dean latched on to the words emergency contact and dismissed everything else. "Is Cas okay? What happened?"
"I don't have any information on his current condition, only that he was admitted through the emergency room. Again, are you ---"
"What hospital? Where is he?" Dean felt like the world around him had slowed down; this didn't make sense, he'd just seen Cas that morning.
"Our Lady of Mercy, now...."
"I'm there. I'll be right there." He ended the call before she could say anything else, feeling cold sweat slide down his back. Cas was okay. He had to be.
He turned on his heel and walked out of the class, ignoring the teacher shouting after him about zeroes and detention because who the fuck cared?
Dean's mind raced as he started up the car and roared out into the street. The hospital was only about a mile away, fortunately close enough that he could keep the images of what might have happened flashing through his mind down to a minimum. It had to be a fight, had to be. Cas got into fight because Dean hadn't been there to back him up and then this had happened. Dean tried to tell himself that Cas had been the one keeping his distance but it didn't do anything to stop the ball of guilt from building in Dean's stomach.
It took longer than he liked to bluster his way past nurses and security (they kept asking if he was immediate family, which scared the hell out of Dean even though logically he knew Cas was still only seventeen and they needed to find an adult to sign off on things. He thought about calling Anna, remembering at the last second that she'd texted him earlier that day to say thanks for the car and that she was finally on her way home, and he wouldn't call any of the rest of them at gunpoint.) Fortunately though, Dean was good at bluster, and finally he found himself outside Castiel's room.
He was relieved to see he was awake; Dean knocked on the door and Cas looked up, unable to hide how astonished he was to see Dean standing there. "Dean? I...how did you know I was here?"
"The hospital called me, you dumbass. Apparently I'm your contact."
"Oh." Castiel lowered his eyes, a flush spreading over his cheeks. "I'd forgotten that. I'll change it back."
"You don't have to...." Dean just let out a deep sigh. "Can we stop doing this?"
Castiel started to shrug, wincing like the attempt hurt. "If you like."
Dean shook his head, walking over to check out the damage. There was a dark, ugly bruise over his left cheek, and Dean hoped the cheekbone wasn't cracked, and stitches in his lip, which Dean knew from experience was going to feel great once the painkillers wore off. "What'd I tell you about getting into fights without me?"
"I wasn't given much choice in the matter."
Dean pulled up the bedside chair and straddled it, drumming his fingers against its back. "Guess this is why you didn't show up at lunch, huh? Who was it?"
"It doesn't matter."
"Like hell it doesn't. I'm gonna put them in the bed right next to you."
"I told you Dean, it doesn't matter. It won't happen again."
Dean knew there was more to it but couldn't figure out why Cas would lie. "So, what were you gonna tell me, anyway?"
Castiel was quiet for a long time. "I don't think we should be friends anymore."
Whatever Dean had expected him to say, that wasn't it. "That's what you wanted to tell me?" he said, ignoring how his stomach had climbed up into his throat.
"I think it would be best."
"'Cause that doesn't sound like what you were gonna say. What's going on, Cas?"
"Nothing." Which was another lie, because his eyes were already red and welling up. "Just go away. I'm sorry I inconvenienced you."
"Stop with the bullshit, it's been going on for days now. Don't be such a bitch about this," he said, not able to catch himself before the words flew out. "I didn't mean that."
"You still said it," Cas snapped back. He closed his eyes as he tried to find a comfortable position, his hand pressed against his side. "Go away."
"God, you're cranky." Although really, Dean had to admit, beat up and in the hospital was a decent enough reason.
Castiel glared at him, apparently resigning himself to the fact that Dean wasn't going to magically disappear. "How did you do on the geometry quiz?"
Dean quirked on eyebrow. "What, the one tomorrow? Probably going to fail it."
Cas rolled his eyes. "Quizzes are always on Thursday."
"Which is tomorrow. Dude, how hard did they punch you?"
"Stop it, Dean. I got confused." He shifted on the bed some more. "Why do they keep these rooms so cold?"
"You serious? It's stuffy in here." Something about the way Castiel had said that raised the hair on Dean's neck, just the slightest amount of slurring. He took a hard look at Cas; Cas was pale normally but not like this. "You really feel cold, Cas?" he said, tipping his chin up. Castiel nodded, seeming to catch the tone in Dean's voice, and Dean felt his heart start to hammer when he felt that his skin was clammy. "Does your stomach hurt?"
"Of course it does," Cas said, slurring more and trying to cringe away from Dean's hand.
"Bad, though? Worse than an hour ago?"
Castiel nodded again. "The pain medicine is wearing off...." he said, and Dean didn't know what kind of look he had on his face but it made Cas trail off, alarm suddenly creeping into his eyes.
Dean moved his hand down and touched Castiel's abdomen, ignoring the outraged and embarrassed "Hey!" It didn't more than a second to realize Cas's stomach was rigid instead of soft and a quick flash of panic reached up to strangle him. He pressed the red call button hard and held it, swearing under his breath. He couldn't believe it had taken him so long to recognize shock when he was staring right at it.
"What's wrong with me?" Cas whispered, flat-out fear in his voice now.
"I think you're bleeding," Dean said, wincing when Cas' eyes went wide. "But you're in a hospital already, that's the best place to be. You're gonna be fine."
"My head feels funny," he whispered, like it had been for a while and he hadn't thought anything of it.
"That's part of the shock, you're gonna feel woozy. You gotta stay awake and keep talking to me, okay? Don't start panicking, getting your heart rate way up's just gonna make things worse." He looked around, wondering why in the hell no one ever answered those call buttons. "I'm gonna go find someone, I'll be right---"
Castiel grabbed his arm before he could even finish his sentence. "Don't leave."
Dean sat back down in the chair and held his hand. "Okay. Okay, I'm gonna stay right here, promise." Castiel's hand was cold and he was shaking, although Dean didn't know if that was the shock or if he was just that scared. Dean was feeling pretty shaky himself, in all honesty. "You just stay calm and stay awake, that's all you have to worry about." Castiel nodded, his hand squeezing Dean's tight. Dean couldn't keep his eyes off the blood pressure monitor; he knew how to read those and Cas was freaked out enough that his blood pressure should have been through the roof but the reading just kept falling.
When the nurse came in the machine started beeping. "He's bleeding," Dean said, cutting her off before she could say a word. "Go get the doctor." To his relief she did, although he guessed that had more to do with the machine beeping holy shit than anything he had to say.
"That sound's not good, is it?"
Cas' eyes were getting glassy and while Dean knew that was part of shock telling himself that didn't help at all. "You're gonna be fine. The doctor's coming."
"I'm sorry I kissed you," he whispered, squeezing Dean's hand. "I didn't mean to ruin everything."
Dean didn't get the chance to say anything back before the doctors burst in, motioning for Dean to get back and give them room. Dean moved back (letting go of Cas' hand was the hardest thing he'd ever had to do ) but made sure to stay where Cas could see him. Castiel kept his eyes locked on Dean as the doctors worked on him - Dean knew enough medical jargon to catch that shock of shocks, he'd been right - so Dean could see the exact moment his eyes started to flutter and roll back, a full second before he heard one of the doctors say, "This kid's BP is in the cellar, tell them to clear an OR" and two seconds before the blood pressure machine started to whine.
The logical part of his brain knew what was coming next - it had happened to him once, a couple of years back when he'd ripped his arm open on some barbed wire - but when the seizure started Dean felt cold panic hollow him out until he didn't think anything else was left. It felt like it lasted for a thousand years and when they finally stopped it all Dean could see was that Cas was so still.
The doctors' words were coming across as gibberish now but Dean caught the word "defib" and he felt his legs almost give out when he saw them bring out the paddles. He didn't know what he did to make them notice he was still standing there, but the next thing he knew a nurse was trying to push him out of the room. "No! No, I can't leave, I told him I wouldn't...." Over her shoulder he saw the doctor shock Cas, saw his body give that little jolt and one of the machines in the room stopped screaming. Dean didn't know if that was good or bad.
"Are you immediate family?" she said, and Dean didn't know how she could be so calm during all this.
"I...no, I'm not, we're friends but I told him...."
"Then you can't be here." The tone was kind but definite, and the next thing Dean knew was the room door being slammed in his face. There was paper over the little window so he couldn't even look inside.
Dean stumbled backward, slumping down against the far wall as his legs finally finished collapsing under him. He slid his phone out of his pocket in a daze, not realizing he'd been calling Anna until he heard her voice. "Dean?" He could hear the highway and pictured her driving with the windows open, her hair blowing back. Anything to wipe the last few minutes from his mind. "What's going on? I don't like to talk while I'm driving." He took too long to answer and she said, "I swear, if you pocket dialed me...."
"Cas got hurt," he finally forced out, not recognizing his own voice. "He got into a fight, he's in the hospital, it's...it's real bad. They know I'm not family, I didn't know who else...."
He heard a screeching sound and horns honking. "Okay. Okay, I just pulled off the highway. I'm on my way back."
"They had to use the paddles on him," Dean whispered, his voice cracking as everything started to sink in.
He heard Anna take a deep breath. "I'm on my way. I'll be there in less than two hours, I promise. Which hospital?"
"Our Lady of Mercy."
"I'm on my way." She hung up and Dean wrapped his arms around his knees, staring at Castiel's door. He dared anyone to make him go further.
***
When he saw Anna walk through those double doors Dean felt like he could finally start breathing again. He'd been persuaded to move to one of the hall benches and Anna spotted him immediately, throwing her bag down beside him and hugging him tight. "How is he? Do you know?"
Dean shook his head. "They're operating on him but they won't say anything else."
Anna's lips thinned and she stormed over to the nurse's station like a hurricane in heels. He couldn't hear what she was saying - apparently going quiet when they were mad was something she and Cas had in common - but it only took a few minutes for her to come back and sit next to him. "They're taking out his spleen. It'll be another hour before we know anything, maybe two."
"Fuck." Dean leaned his head back against the wall. "I should've gone for the doctor sooner, he just...he didn't want me to leave."
"What happened?"
"I don't know. He got into a fight, he wouldn't say with who." Dean didn't realize he was tapping his leg hard enough to shake the bench until Anna reached out to steady him. "He was so fucking scared."
She narrowed her eyes at him. "Why weren't you there, too?" It wasn't an accusation, just a very pointed what's wrong with this picture question.
Dean drummed his fingers against his knees. "Cas kissed me," he said softly. "A few days ago. And I just...I kind of freaked," he admitted. He closed his eyes, remembering that the last words Castiel had said to him was to apologize for that, like he was the one who'd done something wrong. "Things have been weird the past few days. I just figured...I don't know, it would blow over."
"Right, because ignoring problems always makes them go away."
"You don't look that surprised."
Anna shrugged. "I kind of thought the two of you had moved past that stage already?" She shifted around to face him, sitting with her legs under her. "Why did you think I backed off so hard? I know my brother Dean, and I know what it means when he looks at someone the way he looks at you."
Dean felt heat creep up over his cheeks. "I guess I didn't see it," he said, although in the back of his mind he remembered that dream and knew that was a lie.
"Or you didn't want to." He closed his eyes, wrapping his arms around his knees again. "Dean, look at me." He looked up, gritting his teeth for the excruciating conversation he knew was coming. "Did you want him to kiss you?" Dean opened his mouth to reflexively say no, but the memory of Cas' mouth hot and open against his strangled the lie. "Well, if the answer was no you would've said it by now."
"I don't want to talk about this."
"I'm not the one you have to talk about it with."
Dean supposed that was true. He couldn't stop thinking about what would have happened if he really had just let that call go to voice mail. "If I hadn't been there he'd would've died. He would've died all by himself."
She squeezed his arm. "Good thing you were there, then." She ran one hand through her hair. "I don't believe me and Castiel have the same taste in men."
That at least got a smile out of Dean. "I am pretty awesome." Then they both settled in for a long wait.
It was three hours before the doctor finally showed up with news, and each second Dean felt his nerves curl up into a tighter ball. She was a tiny woman, not one of the doctors who'd been working on Cas before, and as she pulled her mask down Dean braced himself for the words We did everything we could.
Instead, Dean heard, "Miss Milton? They're moving your brother into ICU recovery now. The operation went well but he needed two transfusions so we just want to be cautious. You should be able to visit him in a few minutes."
"I want to sit with him," Dean said. "I wanna make sure he knows I didn't leave."
The doctor's expression clouded. "You have to be family to be on the ICU visitor's list," she said. Dean marveled at how nice everyone here was while giving bad news. "I'm sure once he's moved....."
To Dean's surprise Anna reached out and grabbed his hand. "We're engaged," she said, giving Dean a sideways roll with it look. "So he's going to be family."
And the doctor gave them a look then, like she knew they were full of it but admired the chutzpah anyway. "I'll see what I can do," she said. "A nurse will tell you when he's ready for visitors."
Once the doctor was out of earshot Dean couldn't help himself from saying, "You move fast."
"I have to, otherwise my brother steals my boyfriends."
The word brother there reminded Dean there actually was something else was supposed to do today; he checked the time and groaned. "Oh fuck, I'm supposed to go pick up Sam at his science thing. I promised Cas I wouldn't leave."
"I'll get him," Anna said, already getting up. "At the school?"
"You sure?"
"Trust me, Castiel wants to see you much more than me."
"I don't know about that right now," Dean said, shaking his head."Bring Sam back with you, he'll want to be here."
Anna nodded. "We'll be back before you know it."
"Oh, wait, there's a code so he'll know I sent you. You've gotta say, 'Red five standing by' when you go pick him up."
Anna frowned, clearly trying to puzzle that one out. "What does that mean?"
"It means my brother's a giant nerd," Dean said, shaking his head again. "Thanks for this."
She kissed his forehead. "No problem. After all, if you play your cards right there's a good chance you might wind up as my brother-in-law after all this, isn't there?"
Dean could only blush as she walked away, for once not able to think of anything to say.
***
Dean hated ICUs. They were too quiet, everyone talking in whispers and the beeping of the machines getting under his skin until he could hear them in his sleep. This was his third time having to visit someone in one; the previous two had both been his father, once when he was twelve and his dad had gotten shot chasing down a runner (he'd had to lie about his age just to get in) and the second time when he was sixteen and a drunk swerved into their lane on I-75 in middle of nowhere Pennsylvania. That at least had taught him what to expect, but it didn't make it any easier to see Cas lying in that bed hooked up to machines. He pulled up the chair and cinched the thin curtain around the bed to give them some illusion of privacy. It didn't do anything to muffle the sound of the crying family surrounding the guy dying in the next bed and Dean closed his eyes, willing the sound away. Cas was only going to be here a little while. Just until they were sure he'd be okay, then they'd move him out of there.
"Hey, Cas," Dean said, pulling the chair close and taking his hand. "Told you I wasn't going anywhere." Castiel's hand was cold and he was white as the sheets, his dark hair in his face making him look even paler. "You're a fucking mess," he said, smoothing his hair out of his face. Dean knew it took a while for someone to come out of anesthesia but he still wanted Cas' eyes to open just then.
Dean took a long, hard looked at him, quieting the fear by cataloging the bruises. The left side of his face was swollen and bruised but Dean though it looked like that was from one solid punch. His face actually didn't look so bad, considering the beating he'd taken, which told Dean they'd kept it to body shots. He was sure it had to be they; Cas was too good a fighter to let one person take him apart like this. His chin was scraped up, like he'd been hit by someone wearing a ring or.... Dean's eyes narrowed. Like he'd tripped. Like he'd been tripped. He'd tried to make a run for it and someone had made sure he couldn't, Dean was going to kill whoever had done this.
He could see bruises circling his arms, like they'd been held behind his back. "Fucking cowards," Dean whispered. It wasn't enough they'd outnumbered him, they'd had to make it so he couldn't fight back, too.
Dean watched his chest rise and fall for a few endless minutes. "Wake up, Cas." His voice came out in such a dry rasp he barely recognized it.
"Here's the deal, okay?" he said, close to Castiel's ear like he was telling a secret. "You wake up, you can kiss me again. If you still want to." Dean knew he should have said this days ago. Maybe he would have to do this again later, Dean was fine with that, but it had to come out now. "We can try that all over again. And if I completely blew that, if you never want to kiss me again then fine, I'll deal with it. But you didn't do anything wrong, okay?" He squeezed Castiel's hand. "I know I freaked out but that was all on me. I was the one who screwed up, not you. I know I made you feel like I didn't want...like I didn't want you to kiss me but that's not true. That was all my screw-up. So you wake up and tell me whether I can make up for it, okay?"
Dean leaned back in the chair, stroking his fingers through Castiel's hair. "And if you really do think we shouldn't be friends anymore, that's okay. It's sucks but I deserve it. But you've gotta wake up and tell me yourself, 'cause I'm sitting right here until you do."
***
Anna let out a soft sigh of relief when she saw Castiel's eyes finally flutter open. "It's about time. I was starting to think we were going to have to find a handsome prince to kiss you already." His eyes focused on her, clear surprise on his face. "You've been out for over six hours. When anesthesia knocks you out it doesn't mess around."
She couldn't express what a relief if was that he was aware enough to glare at her. "What are you doing here?"
"Apparently when a minor get hospitalized they like to call in a relative to sign the forms. Better me than some of the others, isn't it." She crossed her arms over her chest. "So which of them was it?"
He turned his face away. "It doesn't matter."
"No. I guess it doesn't." She supposed it was a good sign that he hadn't ordered her out of the room yet. "Are you ever going to forgive me?"
He let out a rough, harsh breath. "You didn't even say goodbye."
"I know," she said, taking the chance to brush his hair off his forehead. "I'm sorry for that. I was afraid I'd lose my nerve if I did."
"Why did you do it? We counted on you."
"Do you really still have to ask me that? After this?"
He made a half-hearted attempt to shrug away. "I needed you," he whispered.
"I needed to be away. And I know that's selfish. Sometimes you have to be selfish or you look around and there's nothing of you left. I think you're starting to understand that, huh?" He still wouldn't look at her but his hand twitched toward her, and she took the unspoken invitation to hold his hand. "So when are you going to make your run for it?"
"I wouldn't."
"I don't see why. You've even got something to run to, don't you?"
He looked at her as if he thought she was making fun of him. "I don't know what you mean."
"You know exactly who I mean."
He looked away again, flushing red with embarrassment. "Dean doesn't care for me in that way."
"He hasn't been acting like someone who doesn't care."
Castiel gave her that look again, but there was the tiniest bit of hope in it now. "Dean's here?"
"Who do you think called me? The only reason he's not the one sitting here right now is that he was about to fall over and wind up in a bed right next to you, and he's sleeping on a bench outside right now because that's as far away as we could make him go. And his brother and I both had to threaten him to get him to go that far. He was right next to you the whole time you were in the ICU and he was there when they moved you here."
He lowered his eyes. "I thought I'd dreamt that," he murmured.
"Let me tell you a secret," she said, leaning in close. "Men are idiots." His eyes went wide with amused surprise. "Young guys are even bigger idiots. Especially when that young guy is being forced to face things about himself that maybe he isn't ready to look at." He squirmed a little bit, flushing even redder. "I don't know exactly what happened between the two of you but I know I've never seen someone beat themselves up more than Dean Winchester is doing right now. You might want to give him one more chance."
"What if it happens again?" he asked, his voice small and lost.
"Then you get hurt again. And that sucks but that doesn't mean you don't try." She ruffled his hair. "And points for style for being dramatic enough to try almost dying in front of him. All the magazines say that's the best way to land your man."
Castiel was quiet for a long time. "Why didn't you take me with you?"
"Would you have gone?" He looked away and she knew she had her answer.
"I don't know what to do. Tell me what to do."
"No." She squeezed his hand to take the sting out of the word. "I won't do that. You have to figure out what you want for yourself, and I'm sorry you have to do that younger than most people. If you have a chance for something now you have to take it, baby brother. Because I'm scared if you don't take that chance you'll wind up like Uriel. Always looking for someone to tell you what to do."
She could tell he was angry she'd invoked Uriel's name but he didn't have an answer for her. "I would have gone with you if you'd asked me to."
"But you wouldn't have asked to come with me first. That's my point." She kissed his forehead. "A little rebellion is good for the soul, Castiel. Give it a try."
-On to Part 8-
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