Dogpile (1/2)
Here is another fanfic. Hopefully this will not screw up because I'm using the "rich text" posting method instead of HTML, because I didn't want to type i /i over and over and over again. Anyway. THIS IS 43 PAGES LONG which is pretty much the longest thing I've written and finished. Though I do have an unfinished one that's barely introduced the plot and is almost at 60. It's... it's also a Whoniverse fic. I am sorry.
Blargh, it's so long it gets TWO POSTS isn't that amazing (oh god, do I have to do the formatting all over again? waaaaagh).
Title: Dogpile
Characters/pairings: Torchwood team, SJA team, K-9, OMCs. Jack/Ianto, Gwen/Rhys, neither takes center stage.
Rating: If you're okay with watching Torchwood you're okay for this.
Warnings: Mentions of sex, some language I guess. Silliness.
Summary: There seems to be a giant blue dog loose in London. Meanwhile, Owen and Gwen find a small tin one.
"…so you get the whole rest of the night off, then? For sure, this time?"
Gwen swallowed her mouthful of spaghetti, nodding back across the table. "Unless they call," she clarified. Nothing was ever entirely for sure in Torchwood, and she didn't want to get Rhys' hopes too high, just in case. "But it looks like the Rift'll be quiet for a while, and Jack's still stuck in London so he can't just pop up like he usually does."
"So who would call, then? If the boss is gone, you should be home free!" Rhys smirked at her, as if he'd just outsmarted the absent captain himself.
"Well, Tosh is still on duty watching for activity, and if a weevil or something shows up I might have to help Owen out with it," Gwen said, stuck between amusement and annoyance at Rhys' inability and/or unwillingness to realize that her job wasn't exactly like other peoples', and just because the boss was away didn't really mean she could slack off.
They all were, of course. The three of them had spent most of the day playing Monopoly and eating pizza. And by the time Gwen had left (an hour early) to meet Rhys at the restaurant, Owen still hadn't started the autopsy reports he'd had to file, and Tosh had been watching old episodes of The Outer Limits on one of her monitors as she fiddled with a box of broken alien tech, trying to fit them together to make 'something interesting'.
Although, Gwen had a feeling that slacking off might have been the whole point of Jack's trip to London in the first place. After all, he'd taken Ianto with him. And considering Jack had called to say they'd lost track of the mutant dog thing at noon, and that they weren't coming back until tomorrow morning, the whole team was really using the day as what passed for a vacation in an establishment that saved the world daily and only had five people on staff.
"But," she continued, "Until that phone rings at five in the morning or whatever ungodly hour it will undoubtedly be, I'm all yours."
She leaned over the table and kissed her wonderful fiancé, glad to give him a reward for all his patience with her and her job. He murmured something happily against her lips and rose up his hand to run through her hair. Gwen smiled back, standing without completely breaking the kiss, and moved around the table to sit on his lap. They both laughed into each other’s mouths, and she wrapped her arms around his shoulders as he grabbed her waist gently.
That's when Gwen's phone rang.
They both froze. Gwen sighed, leaning her forehead against Rhys', and reached behind her to grab the offending mobile from her purse.
"Hello?"
"Hello, Gwen," Tosh said. "How was your dinner? I'm not interrupting, am I?"
"Noo," Gwen said, shifting her weight as Rhys reached around her to grab his wallet. "We were just finishing. Something wrong?"
"Nothing too big," Tosh answered. "There were some weird energy readings, kind of near where you said you were having dinner. I thought maybe if you weren't too busy -"
"Right," Gwen said. "No problem." She stood up, smiling apologetically at Rhys. "Where is this?"
"I can direct you," Tosh said. "I already asked Owen to go have a look, so if you can't go, I'm sure it's -"
"It's fine, I'm already out and about anyway." Gwen pulled the phone away from her mouth to give Rhys a quick good-bye peck, and took her purse from his waiting hand. "If it turns out to be something big I should be there, and if it's nothing I'll just go home."
"Right," Tosh said. "Tell Rhys sorry for me."
Gwen just waved back at her fiancé as he called over a waiter to get boxes for their food. She tugged her earpiece out of her purse and turned it on, jogging down the road to find Owen and his mysterious energy source.
~~
She found the SUV just a few blocks away, but Owen didn't seem to be in it. Gwen tapped her earpiece.
"Owen? Where are you?"
"Third floor of the car park," he said. "Where're you?"
"Just outside the first floor," Gwen said, jogging over to the entrance. "Did you find the energy source?"
"Yes," Owen said. "It's a dog."
"A dog?"
"It doesn't look like a dog," Tosh's voice joined in. "I can't see too well through the CCTV but it looks more like a robot."
"Well I know it looks like a robot," Owen said, sounding rather amused. "But it makes a rather convincing case." There was a muffled shuffling sound. "Here, you can hear for yourself. So, tell me again, what are you?"
"I AM A DOG," said an extremely electronic sounding voice. "BOW WOW. I AM A DOG."
Gwen suppressed a giggle as she hopped up the last couple of stairs. "Well, I'm convinced," she said, and jogged over to join Owen in the middle of the car park.
Owen was squatting down, holding his earpiece out in front of him to catch the sounds of the 'dog.' It did look vaguely doglike - its body was a sort of trapezoid, but it had a head that looked like a dogs', maybe, as interpreted by a cubist artist. It had two little satellite dishes for ears, rapidly pivoting, and a 'tail' on the other end, wagging. It did not have legs. It had barely visible wheels, upon which it was rolling in small circles just in front of Owen's outstretched hand.
"BOW WOW," it repeated. "BOW WOW BOW WOW BOW WOW. WOOF. I AM A DOG."
"All right, you're a dog," Gwen said, leaning on Owen's shoulder as she knelt down beside him. "Look, he even has a little collar!"
"I know," Owen said. "It seems pretty convinced that it's a dog."
"I AM A DOG."
"We heard you the first time, mate." Owen said. He leaned back and fumbled to put his earpiece back on. "So, what do you think?"
"I think we have a robot dog."
"Yeah, well besides that, thanks."
"Do you think it might be dangerous?"
"Dunno. Sure doesn't look it, but neither did that thing we thought was a baby toy."
"To be fair, we probably shouldn't have been using it as a tennis ball," Gwen said.
"Yeah but it still didn't look like something that could disintegrate a table." Owen turned back to the dog. "Oi, are you dangerous?"
"Owen!"
"What? Might as well ask. He knows better than I do."
"NEGATIVE," said the dog. "I DO NOT ATTACK HUMANS UNLESS GIVEN THE COMMAND BY MY MISTRESS OR MASTER, OR IN SELF DEFENSE."
"Oh, good," Owen said. "Who's your master then?"
"INFORMATION CLASSIFIED."
"Figures," Owen said. "'s never that easy, is it?"
"What are you doing here, then?" Gwen said.
"I AM TRACKING."
"Tracking?" Gwen repeated. "Tracking what? How?"
"I AM IN PURSUIT OF A LOST DOG," it replied. "I AM TRACKING IT BY SEARCHING FOR TRACES IT LEFT BEHIND, PRIMARILY THROUGH THE USE OF MY OLFACTORY SENSORS."
"What, you're sniffing it out?" Owen said. "Like a dog?"
"I AM A DOG." Though its voice didn't have much in the way of variation, the dog still managed to somehow sound smug.
"Right, sorry, I forgot." Owen rubbed the back of neck and looked back at Gwen. "Y'think it means another 'dog' like this one? Or an actual dog?"
"There aren't any traces of extraterrestrial energy nearby except what's coming from the dog you have there," Tosh said. "If it's another robot, I can't track it."
"Could just be an actual dog, then," Gwen said. "Where is the dog now?" she asked the robot. "You've just been going in circles, why aren't you pursuing it?"
The dog froze in place, its 'ears' perked forwards and its tail still. It waited a moment before speaking. "I HAVE LOST THE TRAIL," it said, somehow sounding embarrassed. "IT IS LOGICAL TO CONCLUDE THAT FROM HERE THE DOG JUMPED TO THE GROUND, BUT I CAN NO LONGER DETECT ITS TRAIL."
"Jumped?" Owen said, incredulously. "We're four storeys up. What the hell kind of dog is this?"
The dog whirred and backed up a little, but didn't answer.
"Come on," Gwen coaxed. "You can tell us."
"NEGATIVE," it said. "I CANNOT REVEAL ANY INFORMATION THAT MAY ENDANGER MY MISTRESS."
"What, the lost dog is your mistress?" Owen said.
"NEGATIVE."
"How does telling us what you're looking for endanger your mistress?" Gwen said.
"I CANNOT REVEAL THAT INFORMATION."
"Why not?"
"I CANNOT REVEAL ANY INFORMATION TO INDIVIDUALS NOT DEEMED TRUSTWORTHY."
"So, you don't talk to strangers?"
"AFFIRMATIVE."
Gwen sighed, and sat back on her heels. She looked up at Owen, who was leaning against the barrier, looking down at the street, obviously wondering where a 'lost dog' could have gone from here. "What do you think?"
"Well, we're not getting anywhere just sitting in a car park," he said, walking back over. "We may as well take this one back to the Hub, see if Tosh can get anything out of him."
"Right," Gwen agreed. As she moved to stand up, Owen reached down to pick up the robot dog.
"OW!" he yelped, suddenly jumping back and nursing his hand.
"What, what happened?"
"He zapped me!" Owen said. He pointed at the dog accusingly. "You said you don't attack humans!"
"EXCEPT IN SELF DEFENSE. DO NOT TOUCH ME WITHOUT PERMISSION."
"Ugh," Owen said, sucking on his injured hand.
"Look, um, dog," Gwen said. "We just want to help you. You already said you lost your trail; maybe we can help you find this dog you're tracking. Won't you come with us?"
"NEGATIVE," the dog said. "I WILL NOT GO WITH YOU. MY MISTRESS GAVE THE ORDER NOT TO ACCOMPANY TASKFORCE PERSONEL."
"Taskforce?" Owen repeated. "What, you think we're with UNIT?"
"AFFIRMATIVE," said the dog, though it seemed a little taken aback by Owen's offended reaction.
"We're not UNIT, mate, we're Torchwood!"
The dog whirred again. "DESIGNATION NOT RECOGNIZED."
"Well, yeah, that's sort of the point of a secret organization."
"We're not the same as UNIT," Gwen explained, though she still wasn't entirely sure what UNIT was or how they were different. "We want to help you. Don't you want help finding this other dog?"
The dog hesitated. "ENERGY RUNNING LOW," it said. "I CANNOT CONTINUE PURSUIT UNTIL I CAN RECHARGE."
"Does that mean you'll come with us? If we give you what you need to recharge?"
"AFFIRMATIVE," the dog said, and rolled past Gwen to start going down the ramp. Gwen grinned at Owen, who shrugged, and they followed.
"Tosh, we're taking the dog-thing back to the Hub," Owen said, tapping his earpiece. "You got anything to recharge a robot dog?"
"Well I don't know what kind of energy he needs," Tosh said. "But I think I can get something together when you get here."
They stopped in front of the SUV. Owen slipped into the driver's seat, and Gwen opened the back door, only to stop and look down at the dog.
"Er, do you need help getting up?"
"I HAVE THE CAPACITY TO HOVER," it said.
Gwen waited. The dog didn't move, upwards or otherwise.
"Well?" Owen said, leaning back to look.
"IT IS NOT WISE TO ACTIVATE HOVER MODE WHEN CONSERVING POWER," it said. "UNECCESSARY DRAINS ON POWER NOT ADVISIBLE."
Owen snorted, and Gwen giggled as she reached down to lift the dog into the seat.
As she reached over to fasten his seatbelt, Gwen glanced down at the dog. "'K-9?'" she read, looking at the characters on the side of the robot's body. "Is that your name?"
"AFFIRMATIVE," K-9 said. "K-9, MARK IV."
"'K-9?'" Owen repeated as Gwen settled into the passenger seat. "Like 'canine'? Not exactly original, your master, is he?"
"WHAT ARE YOUR NAMES?" K-9 said.
"I'm Gwen," Gwen said. "And he's Owen."
"THERE ARE MORE THAN 1600 REGISTERED INDIVIDUAL HUMANS IN THE UNITED KINGDOM WITH THE GIVEN NAME OWEN, AS WELL AS THIRTY FIVE CATS, FIFTY EIGHT DOGS, AND THREE PARAKEETS. NUMBER OF DOGS IN THE UNITED KINGDOM NAMED K-9: FOUR."
"All right, all right, I get it!" Owen said, ignoring Gwen's sniggering. "It's a great name. K-9. Very unique."
"Just what we needed," he muttered to Gwen. "A sarcastic, tetchy, robot dog."
"Aw, come on, you like him," Gwen replied, nudging him with her elbow.
He smirked back at her. "Course I do, he's just like me. We'll have Ianto demanding a transfer by the end of the week."
~~
"Did you find him?!" Twil hopped to her feet as she heard the front door open. Maria followed suit, setting her mug down on Sarah Jane's table.
"No, unfortunately," Sarah Jane said. She looked somewhat harried. "We followed the trail to a shipping company, but then - "
"But then we lost K-9, too," Clyde interrupted.
"You did what?!" Maria gaped at him.
"He was tracking the scent when he got in one of the lorries and it drove off with him," Luke said.
"Where did it go?!" Maria said. Twil fiddled nervously with her cup.
"That's what we came back to find out," Sarah Jane said, hopping up the stairs. The children followed.
"But - " Twil put down her mug and looked away when Luke politely stopped to listen. "I'm very sorry about your tin dog, but what happened to my Fnoofy?"
"Don't worry," Luke said. "K-9 was tracking Fnoofy. Wherever he ended up, Fnoofy's probably close by."
"You think so?"
"I think -" Luke cut off at the sound of a fanfare from upstairs. "I think Mr. Smith will help us find them. Come on!"
Twil returned his smile and they hurried up the stairs as Clyde called down, "Oi, Luke, you remember the plate number?!"
~~
"Hello?"
"Tosh."
"Ianto! How's your vacation?"
"It's not a vacation. We need you to track a number plate."
"All right, hang on. Where's Jack?"
"He's in the shower."
"Oh?"
"We spent all day running after a giant blue dog monster, Tosh, and we ended up in a filthy shipping yard."
"Sounds romantic."
"You need to stop talking to Gwen."
Tosh laughed. "All right, what's the number?"
Ianto read it to her off the scrap of paper Jack had given him.
"Got it. I assume since you were in the shipping yard, you already know the company and all that?"
"Right. We need to know where went."
"All right, just a moment."
"Anything exciting happen back home?"
"Not much. We played Monopoly."
"Ah."
"Oh, and Gwen and Owen are bringing back a robot dog."
"A robot dog?"
"That's what it looks like."
"Where did they get a robot dog?"
"Car park. All right, I've got your lorry. It left yesterday morning - "
" - Yeah, our trail's been at least a day behind this whole time."
"And it was going to…. Cardiff. Well, that makes it easy."
"Of course." Ianto sighed.
"What's wrong?" Tosh smiled at Jack's voice joining the conversation.
"The dog went to Cardiff," Ianto said.
"Fantastic. Hiya Tosh."
"Hullo, Jack. Do you want us to go check out the delivery site?"
"Nah, it'll have left by the time you get there. Believe me, this little doggy doesn't like to stay in one place for very long. Take the evening off, we'll regroup when Ianto and I get back tomorrow."
"Still staying the night, then?"
"Well we paid for the hotel, we might as well."
"Sounds good," Tosh said, doing a fairly good job of hiding the amusement in her voice. "We'll just take care of the robot dog tonight and go home, then."
"Robot dog?"
"I'll tell you tomorrow."
"Right. As long as you're sticking around, try and find reports of a big blue doggish thing, would you?"
"Can do. How big?"
"Not sure. The eyewitnesses here can't seem to agree on the size. Some of them said as big as a bicycle, but the folks at the truck yard said it was closer to an SUV."
"Maybe the dog's getting bigger."
Jack glanced over at Ianto. Stop being so negative.
Ianto raised his eyebrow in response. I'm just looking at all the options.
"All right, I'll keep a lookout for blue size-changing dogs. That everything?"
"Yup. I'll call tomorrow morning. Fill us in then."
"Good night Jack, Ianto."
"G'night, Tosh!"
~~
"Cardiff," Clyde scoffed. "I can't believe it's in Cardiff."
"Wh-what's a Cardiff?" Twil said. "Is it far?"
"It's in Wales."
"It's not that far," Sarah Jane said. "Just about… three hours?"
"What's wrong with Wales?" Luke asked.
"Well nothing's wrong with it, I guess, it's just… it's the principle of the thing."
"What principle?"
"I think it sounds like fun," Maria said. "I've never been to Wales."
Twil fiddled with the drawstring on her borrowed hoodie. "A-are we going now, then?"
"No, not now," Sarah Jane said. She raised her hands for silence as all four of them protested. "We're not going now, it's late. Your parents must be worried sick!"
Maria shrugged. "We'll call and say we lost track of time and are staying the night."
"Maria, you live across the street," Sarah Jane laughed.
"Well Luke and I can come with, I'm sure Mum won't mind," Clyde said, making for the door. "I'll get your keys, come on Luke!"
"No you will not!" Sarah Jane scowled. "Go home, Clyde. Ask your mum if you can go to Cardiff tomorrow. Tomorrow." Clyde scowled, but obediently went out the door.
"You too, Maria," Sarah Jane added. "Luke, go make up a bed for Twil to sleep in. And don't worry," she smiled at them. "I'm sure Fnoofy is fine. K-9 will find him, and he can call Mr. Smith once he does. They can look after themselves for a night."
Sarah Jane settled back in her chair with a sigh, listening to the kids clamoring in the hallway, saying their goodnights and making plans. She winced when Maria and Luke declared they were leaving at seven in the morning, but didn't say anything.
"Sarah Jane."
She swiveled around to face Mr. Smith's monitor. "Yes, Mr. Smith, what is it?"
"I have been monitoring the television and news webpages for reports of sightings that might refer to….Fnoofy…. or K-9."
"Oh yes, that's a good idea, Mr. Smith. Anything helpful?"
"Plenty, Sarah Jane. There have been multiple sightings of a large blue creature over the past two days. All recent evidence points to Fnoofy running wild near Cardiff, as you predicted."
"Well that's good, with any luck it won't be too hard to find him, then."
"There is more, Sarah Jane."
"Yes, what is it?"
"These sightings have not gone unnoticed. It seems that a number of individuals have been interested in pursuing Fnoofy's progress. UNIT and Torchwood both seem to have mobilized."
"Oh. Oh dear."
"UNIT in particular has marked Fnoofy as a threat, and has given the order to shoot on sight."
Sarah Jane sighed. "They would. Poor Fnoofy." She sat up straight in her chair and looked sternly at Mr. Smith's monitor. "Mr. Smith, don't tell any of the children. Especially Twil, I don't know what she would do."
"Very well, Sarah Jane."
"UNIT hasn't found Fnoofy yet, have they?"
"It does not seem so, Sarah Jane. But they have sent a team out to investigate, and it won't be long before they track Fnoofy to Cardiff as well."
"And Torchwood?"
"I have no information except that their leader was seen asking questions in regards to a large blue creature, and that a personal computer in Cardiff was used to hack into various sources, including the shipping company where K-9 was last seen, investigating the same blue creature."
Sarah Jane put her face in her hands. After a moment, she shook her head and stood up, smiling. "Well, we'll just have to find him first, won't we?" She crossed the attic to the door. "Good night, Clyde! We'll see you in the morning! Go home!"
~~
"Oh, he's beautiful!"
Tosh was already jogging to the invisible lift as Gwen and Owen descended along with their electric companion.
"AFFIRMATIVE," K-9 said, wagging his tail. He rolled forward to meet her.
"Careful, he doesn't like to be touched," Gwen said, but Tosh was already kneeling down and running her hands over K-9's metal head.
"Of course she can pet him without getting zapped," Owen muttered. "He looks kind of clunky to me."
"He's built for function, Owen - he's exactly what he needs to be." Toshiko's hands wandered further over K-9's body. The dog's tail wagged steadily in agreement.
"Function to do what though? Let me guess, that's classified too."
"AFFIRMATIVE," K-9 said again.
"Do you have to talk like that?" Owen said, leaning over Tosh's desk.
"CLARIFY QUERY," K-9 said. "TALK LIKE WHAT?"
"Like that," Owen said. "Affirmative and negative and all that. You're like the stereotypical robot, you know that? You're straight out of an old comic book or a 60s TV show."
"NEGATIVE," K-9 said. "I HAVE THE CAPABILITY TO SPEAK WHATEVER WORDS I CHOOSE, INCLUDING 'YES' AND 'NO.' I CHOOSE MY OWN VOCABULARY."
"It's just the way he talks, Owen," Toshiko said. "The same way Jack still has his accent and Gwen calls everyone 'sweetheart' and you curse all the time."
"Do I really call everyone 'sweetheart'?"
"What were you doing a search for?" Owen said, distracted by Toshiko's monitor. "Is this the thing Jack's looking for?"
"Yeah," Toshiko said, getting up. "Seems it stowed away on a truck and got itself delivered back to Cardiff."
Gwen joined them, nibbling pensively on a chocolate bar. "Well that's handy," she said.
"Ianto seemed a bit put out that they'd wasted a day in London only to have it come back here."
Gwen grinned. "Oh, I'm sure Jack can cheer him up, somehow."
Owen scowled. "Ugh, stop it. I don't need to hear that. Are you eating Myfanwy's chocolate?"
Gwen shrugged and broke him off a piece.
"Well it certainly stands out, doesn't it?" Owen continued, biting into the chocolate and gesturing at the fuzzy picture up on the screen. "Even all blurry like that, it's pretty obviously a… big blue dog. Can't be that hard to find."
Gwen frowned. "Tosh, where was this picture taken?"
"Umm, let me see," Toshiko fiddled with the keyboard, bringing up the information.
Gwen peered at it. "That's only a block away from that car park," she said. "K-9, is this the lost dog you were trying to find?"
Gwen turned the monitor so the dog could see. He didn't answer.
"K-9?"
"…INFORMATION CLASSIFIED."
"That means yes," Owen said.
"Then you know what it is?" Toshiko said. "Can you help us find it? What's it doing here?"
"INFORMATION CLASSIFIED."
"Oh come on," Owen said. "We've got the same goals, here, we can work together. Why won't you tell us anything?"
"I CANNOT REVEAL ANY INFORMATION TO INDIVIDUALS NOT DEEMED TRUSTWORTHY. JUST AS YOU CANNOT TRUST ME, I DO NOT KNOW THAT I CAN TRUST YOU."
"Well, how can we make you trust us?" Gwen said.
K-9 whirred. "BARRING AN AFFIRMATION FROM MY MASTER OR MISTRESS OR OTHER RECOGNIZED TRUSTWORTHY INDIVIDUAL, TRUST MUST BE EARNED BY MUTUAL EXPERIENCE."
Gwen sighed and Owen looked ready to argue some more, but Toshiko just turned her monitor back and raised her voice.
"Jack said we might as well wait until tomorrow morning," she said. "When he and Ianto get back, we can worry about K-9 and the alien dog."
Gwen nodded, privately relieved to be able to leave at a reasonable hour. Maybe Rhys had bought dessert. She put aside Myfanwy's chocolate and started for the door.
"What about him?" Owen said, nodding at K-9. "He already said himself we can't trust him, we shouldn't leave him alone in the Hub."
"I'll stay over," Toshiko said. "I was going to stay to monitor the Rift, anyway. I'll just keep an eye on K-9 while he charges."
Owen raised an eyebrow, but crossed the room to the door where Gwen was waiting uncertainly, and decided not to say anything about Toshiko's technophiliac tendencies.
Toshiko smiled as they left. She set K-9 up next to an outlet, marveled at his remarkable build some more, and settled in for a long night.
~~
They were only twenty minutes out of Cardiff, supposedly, but Sarah Jane's car had been stuck in traffic for a good hour already. The car in front inched forward, and Sarah Jane's crawled after.
Sarah Jane heard a thump from the back of the car as Clyde leaned forward and rested his head on the seat in front of him.
"Are we there yet?" he asked in a monotone.
"I wonder what's caused all the traffic," Maria said, peering out the window. "I wonder if there was an accident."
Sarah Jane reached over as Twil, in the front seat, starting fiddling with her hoodie again. "Twil, honey, keep your hood up. I can turn the air on if you're too warm."
Twil put her hands down quickly. "I know. Sorry."
"We should have all painted our faces," Clyde said, leaning back again and staring out the window at the other cars. "Then Twil wouldn't stand out. We could say we were coming back from a party."
"At ten in the morning?" Maria said.
"It was a fun party."
"Why would anyone ask?" Luke asked, sitting between them. "We're in a car. Who would stop to ask? You don't get pulled over for having a blue face."
"You might," Sarah Jane said, grimly. They had moved forward enough that they could see the part of the road that was blocked off. Moving behind the caution tape and directing traffic were a large number of men and women, all wearing red berets.
"Twil, put your hood up and pull it forward. Lean away from my side of the car and try to look asleep."
The kids in the back seat tensed at Sarah Jane's voice.
"What's going on?" Maria whispered.
"UNIT," Sarah Jane said.
"I thought you had friends in UNIT," Clyde said.
"I do," she answered. "But I don't have much authority with them overall, and I really don't want to explain why I have an alien in my front seat."
Twil squeaked nervously. Luke leaned forwards and held her hand. "It'll be fine."
The cars crawled past the UNIT soldiers. Twil huddled in the passenger seat, and the humans held their breath as they passed. The UNIT troopers stared impassively at the cars. Behind the yellow tape, Sarah Jane recognized UNIT scientists examining a stretch of the road, where large gashes had been rent in the concrete. Twil squeaked again, making them all jump.
"That's Fnoofy's sign!" she said. "He always marks his territory with that pattern! He was here!" Ignoring Sarah Jane's startled protests, the alien leaned over into the driver's seat to get a closer look.
"But that's blood!" Twil cried. "Fnoofy's been injured! Oh no, I bet those awful humans attacked him!"
With some effort, Sarah Jane managed to push Twil back into her seat, aided by Luke and Clyde pulling at her clothes.
"Don't panic, Twil," she said. "This doesn't look like a cleanup operation, so I don't think they got him. He probably escaped into the city. Don't worry," she said, staring the weeping alien down. "We'll find him first. Now stay calm, keep your hood up, and we'll be in Cardiff before you know it."
The car fell silent again. Despite Sarah Jane's assertations, the traffic was still barely moving, and as the UNIT squadron fell slowly out of sight, the kids returned to their state of tense boredom, staring out their respective windows.
"Oh, gross!" Clyde said suddenly. "There're two blokes making out in the car next to us!"
Maria leaned over to see. "Oh my god!" she laughed.
Luke frowned. "Why is it gross for two men to be kissing?" he asked Clyde.
"Well - " Clyde stuttered, "Well it isn't, no, I mean I guess not, I just wasn't expecting it."
"Wow, they are really going at it!"
"How can two people of the same sex have intercourse?" Luke asked. "It doesn't serve any reproductive processes."
Maria grinned. "Well, you see Luke…"
"I didn't know humans could change color," Twil said, peering at Sarah Jane's bright red face.
Sarah Jane just stared straight ahead and willed the traffic to move.
~~
Gwen was practically skipping as she entered the Hub in the morning.
"Good morning, Tosh!" she said, flopping down in her chair with a flourish. "Good morning, K-9!"
"GOOD MORNING, MISS GWEN."
"G'morning, Gwen," Toshiko said, yawning a little. "You're awfully bright and sunny this morning."
Gwen grinned. "Rhys made me breakfast," she said. "Chocolate chip banana pancakes. And coffee with a scoop of ice cream in it."
Toshiko glanced resentfully at her own cup of instant coffee. "That sounds wonderful," she sighed.
"You lucky bitch," added Owen as he stumbled in the door, stopping to glare at it for daring to make a noise so early in the morning.
"Mornin' to you too, Sunshine," Gwen said.
Owen glared at her and collapsed into his desk, burying his head in his arms. "Some of us didn't get breakfast. Or coffee. Is Ianto back yet? I miss Ianto."
"Just yesterday in the SUV, you were conspiring with K-9 to annoy him into retirement," Gwen pointed out.
"That was before there wasn't coffee."
"Why didn't you just make your own coffee?" Toshiko said.
"I don't have any. I haven't bought coffee in weeks. I always drink it here."
Toshiko was about to point out how that was his own fault, and Gwen was just about to take pity on him and offer to go to the coffee shop and get something for all of them when the phone went off.
Toshiko tapped her earpiece. "Hello?"
"Tosh," Ianto said. "Jack wanted me to check in."
"Good morning, Ianto," Toshiko said.
Gwen tapped her earpiece and joined in as Owen half-heartedly rummaged through his desk to find his own. "Good morning, Ianto!"
"Good morning, Gwen," Ianto said.
Owen shouted something not entirely appropriate for polite conversation in Gwen's direction. All Ianto caught was his name and a number of curse words.
"What was that?"
"Owen wants you to know that he misses you dearly, and wishes you were here so you could share lovely conversation and enjoy each other's company. He also was wondering if you could do him the extreme kindness of bringing him a cup of your world-famous coffee when you get in," Gwen translated.
"What she said," Owen said, finally locating his earpiece.
"We're still a couple hours out, it seems, but I'll see what I can do," Ianto said. "Do - do you have anything to report from last night?"
"Not much," Toshiko said. "I kept an eye out for your blue dog, but it seems to have gone into hiding. There haven't been any more eyewitnesses or damage done."
"Though it seems like K-9 was also looking for your dog," Gwen said. "He wouldn't say why."
"K-9?"
"The tin dog from last night," Toshiko explained. "He won't tell us anything about his masters, but apparently he was tracking the same alien you are. He called it a 'lost dog.'"
"O-oh, I see," Ianto said. Jack's voice came through the speakers, unintelligible. "Jack says to stay in the Hub, and we'll deal with it when we get back. Keep the tin dog inside for now. We're stuck in traffic right now, but we sh-should be back within a few hours."
"Ianto, are you alright?" Gwen said. "You sound out of breath."
"I'm fine," he said. "I'm jus- just out of breath, like you s-said."
"Ianto," Gwen said. "What is Jack doing?"
"H-he's - ah… multitasking?"
"Pass Jack the phone, Ianto."
There was a shuffling sound as Ianto obeyed. "Gwen! Good morning! How are you?" Jack said, cheerily.
"Jack, stop groping Ianto while you're driving, it's not safe."
Gwen could just hear the grin in Jack's voice. "We're really not moving at all, Gwen, there's no problem. And it's called a 'handjob,'" he said.
They hung up to the simultaneous cries of Ianto's "Jack!!" and Owen's "Oh god I didn't need to hear that hang up on him Gwen!"
~~
By ten o'clock, they were still stuck in traffic. Ianto was staring blindly out the window, watching the scenery go slowly by when Jack snapped him out of it.
"UNIT," he said.
"What?"
"UNIT," Jack repeated grimly. "There's a whole bunch of them up ahead."
Ianto peered where Jack was pointing. "So there are," he said. "You want me to see what they're up to?" he added, reaching in the back for the laptop.
"I bet I can guess," Jack said.
"You think they're after the blue dog?"
"Seems likely." Jack shrugged. "Anything else in Cardiff would be out of their jurisdiction, and they'd have to talk with me about it first. They usually try to avoid that."
"I wonder why," Ianto muttered, putting the laptop back.
Jack grinned wolfishly at him, but soon fell back to craning his neck to see around the other cars. "Do you think I should pull over and talk to them?"
"They're not technically in Cardiff yet," Ianto pointed out.
"Yeah, but I bet they will be." Jack sighed and leaned back in his seat. "Oh well. It's not like I can get all the way over there in this mess anyway. We told Tosh we'd be back over an hour ago."
"I'm sure Owen can manage another hour without imploding from coffee withdrawal."
"I'm not so sure about that," Jack laughed.
They both fell silent again, staring out the window and watching the uniformed soldiers direct traffic away from the area. Ianto dimly wondered how much one of those hats cost. He also thought about how long he might be able to get away with feeding Owen decaf without anyone noticing, whether or not Myfanwy had eaten all of the sheep carcasses yet, and finally if Jack was as bored as he was, or if he was just enjoying the view of the UNIT soldiers running around waving brightly colored sticks.
He was rather surprised when Jack spoke up again. "What do you think of this robot dog business?"
Ianto shrugged. "I don't know," he said. "Sort of a strange coincidence, I guess, having a robot dog and an alien dog in the same day. Though they do seem to be connected."
"Sure, I get all that," Jack said. "But what do you think about the dog itself?"
Ianto blinked. "I dunno. I haven't seen it yet."
They didn't speak for a minute.
"I don't really like robots," Ianto said.
Jack glanced at him sympathetically and rested his hand on his thigh, but didn't say anything.
"What about you?" Ianto asked.
Jack thought about it. "I don't really like dogs," he said.
"Really?"
"We used them in the war you know - both wars. Both sides had them, but they always seemed a little off. Even they were definitely soldiers. Seeing them as cute cuddly little pets never really appealed to me." He thought about it a little more. "And they're always jumping all over me or growling. They must not like how I smell."
Ianto nodded. "How about cats?"
Jack shifted about awkwardly. "I like cats," he said, sounding uncertain. "But they make me uncomfortable."
"Why's that?"
"Well…" Jack frowned, thinking. "In the future, there are these cat people."
"Oh god," Ianto said. "You've had sex with a cat, haven't you?"
"No!" Jack said. "I haven't - okay, I know I sometimes give that impression, but I haven't actually had sex with every alien in the future."
Ianto raised an eyebrow.
"I haven't!" he said. "…The ones I met were nuns."
"That doesn't always stop you."
Jack glared. "My being uncomfortable around cats has nothing to do with sex," he said. "But these people - their young look just like Earth kittens, except that they can talk and everything. It's just weird being around something you expect to be as smart as - or smarter than, they're damn clever, cat people - you are."
The UNIT soldiers were mostly out of sight by then. Jack looked back at them through the mirror.
"You going to be okay with the robot?"
Ianto turned back out the window. "I'll manage. At least it isn't a cyborg dog."
They sat in awkward silence for a few minutes, watching the scenery crawl by. Jack grinned.
"Hey, Ianto, look out my window! There're two guys in the car next to us making out!"
"Don't you get any ideas, Jack, I can see children in the next car over."
Part 2
Blargh, it's so long it gets TWO POSTS isn't that amazing (oh god, do I have to do the formatting all over again? waaaaagh).
Title: Dogpile
Characters/pairings: Torchwood team, SJA team, K-9, OMCs. Jack/Ianto, Gwen/Rhys, neither takes center stage.
Rating: If you're okay with watching Torchwood you're okay for this.
Warnings: Mentions of sex, some language I guess. Silliness.
Summary: There seems to be a giant blue dog loose in London. Meanwhile, Owen and Gwen find a small tin one.
"…so you get the whole rest of the night off, then? For sure, this time?"
Gwen swallowed her mouthful of spaghetti, nodding back across the table. "Unless they call," she clarified. Nothing was ever entirely for sure in Torchwood, and she didn't want to get Rhys' hopes too high, just in case. "But it looks like the Rift'll be quiet for a while, and Jack's still stuck in London so he can't just pop up like he usually does."
"So who would call, then? If the boss is gone, you should be home free!" Rhys smirked at her, as if he'd just outsmarted the absent captain himself.
"Well, Tosh is still on duty watching for activity, and if a weevil or something shows up I might have to help Owen out with it," Gwen said, stuck between amusement and annoyance at Rhys' inability and/or unwillingness to realize that her job wasn't exactly like other peoples', and just because the boss was away didn't really mean she could slack off.
They all were, of course. The three of them had spent most of the day playing Monopoly and eating pizza. And by the time Gwen had left (an hour early) to meet Rhys at the restaurant, Owen still hadn't started the autopsy reports he'd had to file, and Tosh had been watching old episodes of The Outer Limits on one of her monitors as she fiddled with a box of broken alien tech, trying to fit them together to make 'something interesting'.
Although, Gwen had a feeling that slacking off might have been the whole point of Jack's trip to London in the first place. After all, he'd taken Ianto with him. And considering Jack had called to say they'd lost track of the mutant dog thing at noon, and that they weren't coming back until tomorrow morning, the whole team was really using the day as what passed for a vacation in an establishment that saved the world daily and only had five people on staff.
"But," she continued, "Until that phone rings at five in the morning or whatever ungodly hour it will undoubtedly be, I'm all yours."
She leaned over the table and kissed her wonderful fiancé, glad to give him a reward for all his patience with her and her job. He murmured something happily against her lips and rose up his hand to run through her hair. Gwen smiled back, standing without completely breaking the kiss, and moved around the table to sit on his lap. They both laughed into each other’s mouths, and she wrapped her arms around his shoulders as he grabbed her waist gently.
That's when Gwen's phone rang.
They both froze. Gwen sighed, leaning her forehead against Rhys', and reached behind her to grab the offending mobile from her purse.
"Hello?"
"Hello, Gwen," Tosh said. "How was your dinner? I'm not interrupting, am I?"
"Noo," Gwen said, shifting her weight as Rhys reached around her to grab his wallet. "We were just finishing. Something wrong?"
"Nothing too big," Tosh answered. "There were some weird energy readings, kind of near where you said you were having dinner. I thought maybe if you weren't too busy -"
"Right," Gwen said. "No problem." She stood up, smiling apologetically at Rhys. "Where is this?"
"I can direct you," Tosh said. "I already asked Owen to go have a look, so if you can't go, I'm sure it's -"
"It's fine, I'm already out and about anyway." Gwen pulled the phone away from her mouth to give Rhys a quick good-bye peck, and took her purse from his waiting hand. "If it turns out to be something big I should be there, and if it's nothing I'll just go home."
"Right," Tosh said. "Tell Rhys sorry for me."
Gwen just waved back at her fiancé as he called over a waiter to get boxes for their food. She tugged her earpiece out of her purse and turned it on, jogging down the road to find Owen and his mysterious energy source.
~~
She found the SUV just a few blocks away, but Owen didn't seem to be in it. Gwen tapped her earpiece.
"Owen? Where are you?"
"Third floor of the car park," he said. "Where're you?"
"Just outside the first floor," Gwen said, jogging over to the entrance. "Did you find the energy source?"
"Yes," Owen said. "It's a dog."
"A dog?"
"It doesn't look like a dog," Tosh's voice joined in. "I can't see too well through the CCTV but it looks more like a robot."
"Well I know it looks like a robot," Owen said, sounding rather amused. "But it makes a rather convincing case." There was a muffled shuffling sound. "Here, you can hear for yourself. So, tell me again, what are you?"
"I AM A DOG," said an extremely electronic sounding voice. "BOW WOW. I AM A DOG."
Gwen suppressed a giggle as she hopped up the last couple of stairs. "Well, I'm convinced," she said, and jogged over to join Owen in the middle of the car park.
Owen was squatting down, holding his earpiece out in front of him to catch the sounds of the 'dog.' It did look vaguely doglike - its body was a sort of trapezoid, but it had a head that looked like a dogs', maybe, as interpreted by a cubist artist. It had two little satellite dishes for ears, rapidly pivoting, and a 'tail' on the other end, wagging. It did not have legs. It had barely visible wheels, upon which it was rolling in small circles just in front of Owen's outstretched hand.
"BOW WOW," it repeated. "BOW WOW BOW WOW BOW WOW. WOOF. I AM A DOG."
"All right, you're a dog," Gwen said, leaning on Owen's shoulder as she knelt down beside him. "Look, he even has a little collar!"
"I know," Owen said. "It seems pretty convinced that it's a dog."
"I AM A DOG."
"We heard you the first time, mate." Owen said. He leaned back and fumbled to put his earpiece back on. "So, what do you think?"
"I think we have a robot dog."
"Yeah, well besides that, thanks."
"Do you think it might be dangerous?"
"Dunno. Sure doesn't look it, but neither did that thing we thought was a baby toy."
"To be fair, we probably shouldn't have been using it as a tennis ball," Gwen said.
"Yeah but it still didn't look like something that could disintegrate a table." Owen turned back to the dog. "Oi, are you dangerous?"
"Owen!"
"What? Might as well ask. He knows better than I do."
"NEGATIVE," said the dog. "I DO NOT ATTACK HUMANS UNLESS GIVEN THE COMMAND BY MY MISTRESS OR MASTER, OR IN SELF DEFENSE."
"Oh, good," Owen said. "Who's your master then?"
"INFORMATION CLASSIFIED."
"Figures," Owen said. "'s never that easy, is it?"
"What are you doing here, then?" Gwen said.
"I AM TRACKING."
"Tracking?" Gwen repeated. "Tracking what? How?"
"I AM IN PURSUIT OF A LOST DOG," it replied. "I AM TRACKING IT BY SEARCHING FOR TRACES IT LEFT BEHIND, PRIMARILY THROUGH THE USE OF MY OLFACTORY SENSORS."
"What, you're sniffing it out?" Owen said. "Like a dog?"
"I AM A DOG." Though its voice didn't have much in the way of variation, the dog still managed to somehow sound smug.
"Right, sorry, I forgot." Owen rubbed the back of neck and looked back at Gwen. "Y'think it means another 'dog' like this one? Or an actual dog?"
"There aren't any traces of extraterrestrial energy nearby except what's coming from the dog you have there," Tosh said. "If it's another robot, I can't track it."
"Could just be an actual dog, then," Gwen said. "Where is the dog now?" she asked the robot. "You've just been going in circles, why aren't you pursuing it?"
The dog froze in place, its 'ears' perked forwards and its tail still. It waited a moment before speaking. "I HAVE LOST THE TRAIL," it said, somehow sounding embarrassed. "IT IS LOGICAL TO CONCLUDE THAT FROM HERE THE DOG JUMPED TO THE GROUND, BUT I CAN NO LONGER DETECT ITS TRAIL."
"Jumped?" Owen said, incredulously. "We're four storeys up. What the hell kind of dog is this?"
The dog whirred and backed up a little, but didn't answer.
"Come on," Gwen coaxed. "You can tell us."
"NEGATIVE," it said. "I CANNOT REVEAL ANY INFORMATION THAT MAY ENDANGER MY MISTRESS."
"What, the lost dog is your mistress?" Owen said.
"NEGATIVE."
"How does telling us what you're looking for endanger your mistress?" Gwen said.
"I CANNOT REVEAL THAT INFORMATION."
"Why not?"
"I CANNOT REVEAL ANY INFORMATION TO INDIVIDUALS NOT DEEMED TRUSTWORTHY."
"So, you don't talk to strangers?"
"AFFIRMATIVE."
Gwen sighed, and sat back on her heels. She looked up at Owen, who was leaning against the barrier, looking down at the street, obviously wondering where a 'lost dog' could have gone from here. "What do you think?"
"Well, we're not getting anywhere just sitting in a car park," he said, walking back over. "We may as well take this one back to the Hub, see if Tosh can get anything out of him."
"Right," Gwen agreed. As she moved to stand up, Owen reached down to pick up the robot dog.
"OW!" he yelped, suddenly jumping back and nursing his hand.
"What, what happened?"
"He zapped me!" Owen said. He pointed at the dog accusingly. "You said you don't attack humans!"
"EXCEPT IN SELF DEFENSE. DO NOT TOUCH ME WITHOUT PERMISSION."
"Ugh," Owen said, sucking on his injured hand.
"Look, um, dog," Gwen said. "We just want to help you. You already said you lost your trail; maybe we can help you find this dog you're tracking. Won't you come with us?"
"NEGATIVE," the dog said. "I WILL NOT GO WITH YOU. MY MISTRESS GAVE THE ORDER NOT TO ACCOMPANY TASKFORCE PERSONEL."
"Taskforce?" Owen repeated. "What, you think we're with UNIT?"
"AFFIRMATIVE," said the dog, though it seemed a little taken aback by Owen's offended reaction.
"We're not UNIT, mate, we're Torchwood!"
The dog whirred again. "DESIGNATION NOT RECOGNIZED."
"Well, yeah, that's sort of the point of a secret organization."
"We're not the same as UNIT," Gwen explained, though she still wasn't entirely sure what UNIT was or how they were different. "We want to help you. Don't you want help finding this other dog?"
The dog hesitated. "ENERGY RUNNING LOW," it said. "I CANNOT CONTINUE PURSUIT UNTIL I CAN RECHARGE."
"Does that mean you'll come with us? If we give you what you need to recharge?"
"AFFIRMATIVE," the dog said, and rolled past Gwen to start going down the ramp. Gwen grinned at Owen, who shrugged, and they followed.
"Tosh, we're taking the dog-thing back to the Hub," Owen said, tapping his earpiece. "You got anything to recharge a robot dog?"
"Well I don't know what kind of energy he needs," Tosh said. "But I think I can get something together when you get here."
They stopped in front of the SUV. Owen slipped into the driver's seat, and Gwen opened the back door, only to stop and look down at the dog.
"Er, do you need help getting up?"
"I HAVE THE CAPACITY TO HOVER," it said.
Gwen waited. The dog didn't move, upwards or otherwise.
"Well?" Owen said, leaning back to look.
"IT IS NOT WISE TO ACTIVATE HOVER MODE WHEN CONSERVING POWER," it said. "UNECCESSARY DRAINS ON POWER NOT ADVISIBLE."
Owen snorted, and Gwen giggled as she reached down to lift the dog into the seat.
As she reached over to fasten his seatbelt, Gwen glanced down at the dog. "'K-9?'" she read, looking at the characters on the side of the robot's body. "Is that your name?"
"AFFIRMATIVE," K-9 said. "K-9, MARK IV."
"'K-9?'" Owen repeated as Gwen settled into the passenger seat. "Like 'canine'? Not exactly original, your master, is he?"
"WHAT ARE YOUR NAMES?" K-9 said.
"I'm Gwen," Gwen said. "And he's Owen."
"THERE ARE MORE THAN 1600 REGISTERED INDIVIDUAL HUMANS IN THE UNITED KINGDOM WITH THE GIVEN NAME OWEN, AS WELL AS THIRTY FIVE CATS, FIFTY EIGHT DOGS, AND THREE PARAKEETS. NUMBER OF DOGS IN THE UNITED KINGDOM NAMED K-9: FOUR."
"All right, all right, I get it!" Owen said, ignoring Gwen's sniggering. "It's a great name. K-9. Very unique."
"Just what we needed," he muttered to Gwen. "A sarcastic, tetchy, robot dog."
"Aw, come on, you like him," Gwen replied, nudging him with her elbow.
He smirked back at her. "Course I do, he's just like me. We'll have Ianto demanding a transfer by the end of the week."
~~
"Did you find him?!" Twil hopped to her feet as she heard the front door open. Maria followed suit, setting her mug down on Sarah Jane's table.
"No, unfortunately," Sarah Jane said. She looked somewhat harried. "We followed the trail to a shipping company, but then - "
"But then we lost K-9, too," Clyde interrupted.
"You did what?!" Maria gaped at him.
"He was tracking the scent when he got in one of the lorries and it drove off with him," Luke said.
"Where did it go?!" Maria said. Twil fiddled nervously with her cup.
"That's what we came back to find out," Sarah Jane said, hopping up the stairs. The children followed.
"But - " Twil put down her mug and looked away when Luke politely stopped to listen. "I'm very sorry about your tin dog, but what happened to my Fnoofy?"
"Don't worry," Luke said. "K-9 was tracking Fnoofy. Wherever he ended up, Fnoofy's probably close by."
"You think so?"
"I think -" Luke cut off at the sound of a fanfare from upstairs. "I think Mr. Smith will help us find them. Come on!"
Twil returned his smile and they hurried up the stairs as Clyde called down, "Oi, Luke, you remember the plate number?!"
~~
"Hello?"
"Tosh."
"Ianto! How's your vacation?"
"It's not a vacation. We need you to track a number plate."
"All right, hang on. Where's Jack?"
"He's in the shower."
"Oh?"
"We spent all day running after a giant blue dog monster, Tosh, and we ended up in a filthy shipping yard."
"Sounds romantic."
"You need to stop talking to Gwen."
Tosh laughed. "All right, what's the number?"
Ianto read it to her off the scrap of paper Jack had given him.
"Got it. I assume since you were in the shipping yard, you already know the company and all that?"
"Right. We need to know where went."
"All right, just a moment."
"Anything exciting happen back home?"
"Not much. We played Monopoly."
"Ah."
"Oh, and Gwen and Owen are bringing back a robot dog."
"A robot dog?"
"That's what it looks like."
"Where did they get a robot dog?"
"Car park. All right, I've got your lorry. It left yesterday morning - "
" - Yeah, our trail's been at least a day behind this whole time."
"And it was going to…. Cardiff. Well, that makes it easy."
"Of course." Ianto sighed.
"What's wrong?" Tosh smiled at Jack's voice joining the conversation.
"The dog went to Cardiff," Ianto said.
"Fantastic. Hiya Tosh."
"Hullo, Jack. Do you want us to go check out the delivery site?"
"Nah, it'll have left by the time you get there. Believe me, this little doggy doesn't like to stay in one place for very long. Take the evening off, we'll regroup when Ianto and I get back tomorrow."
"Still staying the night, then?"
"Well we paid for the hotel, we might as well."
"Sounds good," Tosh said, doing a fairly good job of hiding the amusement in her voice. "We'll just take care of the robot dog tonight and go home, then."
"Robot dog?"
"I'll tell you tomorrow."
"Right. As long as you're sticking around, try and find reports of a big blue doggish thing, would you?"
"Can do. How big?"
"Not sure. The eyewitnesses here can't seem to agree on the size. Some of them said as big as a bicycle, but the folks at the truck yard said it was closer to an SUV."
"Maybe the dog's getting bigger."
Jack glanced over at Ianto. Stop being so negative.
Ianto raised his eyebrow in response. I'm just looking at all the options.
"All right, I'll keep a lookout for blue size-changing dogs. That everything?"
"Yup. I'll call tomorrow morning. Fill us in then."
"Good night Jack, Ianto."
"G'night, Tosh!"
~~
"Cardiff," Clyde scoffed. "I can't believe it's in Cardiff."
"Wh-what's a Cardiff?" Twil said. "Is it far?"
"It's in Wales."
"It's not that far," Sarah Jane said. "Just about… three hours?"
"What's wrong with Wales?" Luke asked.
"Well nothing's wrong with it, I guess, it's just… it's the principle of the thing."
"What principle?"
"I think it sounds like fun," Maria said. "I've never been to Wales."
Twil fiddled with the drawstring on her borrowed hoodie. "A-are we going now, then?"
"No, not now," Sarah Jane said. She raised her hands for silence as all four of them protested. "We're not going now, it's late. Your parents must be worried sick!"
Maria shrugged. "We'll call and say we lost track of time and are staying the night."
"Maria, you live across the street," Sarah Jane laughed.
"Well Luke and I can come with, I'm sure Mum won't mind," Clyde said, making for the door. "I'll get your keys, come on Luke!"
"No you will not!" Sarah Jane scowled. "Go home, Clyde. Ask your mum if you can go to Cardiff tomorrow. Tomorrow." Clyde scowled, but obediently went out the door.
"You too, Maria," Sarah Jane added. "Luke, go make up a bed for Twil to sleep in. And don't worry," she smiled at them. "I'm sure Fnoofy is fine. K-9 will find him, and he can call Mr. Smith once he does. They can look after themselves for a night."
Sarah Jane settled back in her chair with a sigh, listening to the kids clamoring in the hallway, saying their goodnights and making plans. She winced when Maria and Luke declared they were leaving at seven in the morning, but didn't say anything.
"Sarah Jane."
She swiveled around to face Mr. Smith's monitor. "Yes, Mr. Smith, what is it?"
"I have been monitoring the television and news webpages for reports of sightings that might refer to….Fnoofy…. or K-9."
"Oh yes, that's a good idea, Mr. Smith. Anything helpful?"
"Plenty, Sarah Jane. There have been multiple sightings of a large blue creature over the past two days. All recent evidence points to Fnoofy running wild near Cardiff, as you predicted."
"Well that's good, with any luck it won't be too hard to find him, then."
"There is more, Sarah Jane."
"Yes, what is it?"
"These sightings have not gone unnoticed. It seems that a number of individuals have been interested in pursuing Fnoofy's progress. UNIT and Torchwood both seem to have mobilized."
"Oh. Oh dear."
"UNIT in particular has marked Fnoofy as a threat, and has given the order to shoot on sight."
Sarah Jane sighed. "They would. Poor Fnoofy." She sat up straight in her chair and looked sternly at Mr. Smith's monitor. "Mr. Smith, don't tell any of the children. Especially Twil, I don't know what she would do."
"Very well, Sarah Jane."
"UNIT hasn't found Fnoofy yet, have they?"
"It does not seem so, Sarah Jane. But they have sent a team out to investigate, and it won't be long before they track Fnoofy to Cardiff as well."
"And Torchwood?"
"I have no information except that their leader was seen asking questions in regards to a large blue creature, and that a personal computer in Cardiff was used to hack into various sources, including the shipping company where K-9 was last seen, investigating the same blue creature."
Sarah Jane put her face in her hands. After a moment, she shook her head and stood up, smiling. "Well, we'll just have to find him first, won't we?" She crossed the attic to the door. "Good night, Clyde! We'll see you in the morning! Go home!"
~~
"Oh, he's beautiful!"
Tosh was already jogging to the invisible lift as Gwen and Owen descended along with their electric companion.
"AFFIRMATIVE," K-9 said, wagging his tail. He rolled forward to meet her.
"Careful, he doesn't like to be touched," Gwen said, but Tosh was already kneeling down and running her hands over K-9's metal head.
"Of course she can pet him without getting zapped," Owen muttered. "He looks kind of clunky to me."
"He's built for function, Owen - he's exactly what he needs to be." Toshiko's hands wandered further over K-9's body. The dog's tail wagged steadily in agreement.
"Function to do what though? Let me guess, that's classified too."
"AFFIRMATIVE," K-9 said again.
"Do you have to talk like that?" Owen said, leaning over Tosh's desk.
"CLARIFY QUERY," K-9 said. "TALK LIKE WHAT?"
"Like that," Owen said. "Affirmative and negative and all that. You're like the stereotypical robot, you know that? You're straight out of an old comic book or a 60s TV show."
"NEGATIVE," K-9 said. "I HAVE THE CAPABILITY TO SPEAK WHATEVER WORDS I CHOOSE, INCLUDING 'YES' AND 'NO.' I CHOOSE MY OWN VOCABULARY."
"It's just the way he talks, Owen," Toshiko said. "The same way Jack still has his accent and Gwen calls everyone 'sweetheart' and you curse all the time."
"Do I really call everyone 'sweetheart'?"
"What were you doing a search for?" Owen said, distracted by Toshiko's monitor. "Is this the thing Jack's looking for?"
"Yeah," Toshiko said, getting up. "Seems it stowed away on a truck and got itself delivered back to Cardiff."
Gwen joined them, nibbling pensively on a chocolate bar. "Well that's handy," she said.
"Ianto seemed a bit put out that they'd wasted a day in London only to have it come back here."
Gwen grinned. "Oh, I'm sure Jack can cheer him up, somehow."
Owen scowled. "Ugh, stop it. I don't need to hear that. Are you eating Myfanwy's chocolate?"
Gwen shrugged and broke him off a piece.
"Well it certainly stands out, doesn't it?" Owen continued, biting into the chocolate and gesturing at the fuzzy picture up on the screen. "Even all blurry like that, it's pretty obviously a… big blue dog. Can't be that hard to find."
Gwen frowned. "Tosh, where was this picture taken?"
"Umm, let me see," Toshiko fiddled with the keyboard, bringing up the information.
Gwen peered at it. "That's only a block away from that car park," she said. "K-9, is this the lost dog you were trying to find?"
Gwen turned the monitor so the dog could see. He didn't answer.
"K-9?"
"…INFORMATION CLASSIFIED."
"That means yes," Owen said.
"Then you know what it is?" Toshiko said. "Can you help us find it? What's it doing here?"
"INFORMATION CLASSIFIED."
"Oh come on," Owen said. "We've got the same goals, here, we can work together. Why won't you tell us anything?"
"I CANNOT REVEAL ANY INFORMATION TO INDIVIDUALS NOT DEEMED TRUSTWORTHY. JUST AS YOU CANNOT TRUST ME, I DO NOT KNOW THAT I CAN TRUST YOU."
"Well, how can we make you trust us?" Gwen said.
K-9 whirred. "BARRING AN AFFIRMATION FROM MY MASTER OR MISTRESS OR OTHER RECOGNIZED TRUSTWORTHY INDIVIDUAL, TRUST MUST BE EARNED BY MUTUAL EXPERIENCE."
Gwen sighed and Owen looked ready to argue some more, but Toshiko just turned her monitor back and raised her voice.
"Jack said we might as well wait until tomorrow morning," she said. "When he and Ianto get back, we can worry about K-9 and the alien dog."
Gwen nodded, privately relieved to be able to leave at a reasonable hour. Maybe Rhys had bought dessert. She put aside Myfanwy's chocolate and started for the door.
"What about him?" Owen said, nodding at K-9. "He already said himself we can't trust him, we shouldn't leave him alone in the Hub."
"I'll stay over," Toshiko said. "I was going to stay to monitor the Rift, anyway. I'll just keep an eye on K-9 while he charges."
Owen raised an eyebrow, but crossed the room to the door where Gwen was waiting uncertainly, and decided not to say anything about Toshiko's technophiliac tendencies.
Toshiko smiled as they left. She set K-9 up next to an outlet, marveled at his remarkable build some more, and settled in for a long night.
~~
They were only twenty minutes out of Cardiff, supposedly, but Sarah Jane's car had been stuck in traffic for a good hour already. The car in front inched forward, and Sarah Jane's crawled after.
Sarah Jane heard a thump from the back of the car as Clyde leaned forward and rested his head on the seat in front of him.
"Are we there yet?" he asked in a monotone.
"I wonder what's caused all the traffic," Maria said, peering out the window. "I wonder if there was an accident."
Sarah Jane reached over as Twil, in the front seat, starting fiddling with her hoodie again. "Twil, honey, keep your hood up. I can turn the air on if you're too warm."
Twil put her hands down quickly. "I know. Sorry."
"We should have all painted our faces," Clyde said, leaning back again and staring out the window at the other cars. "Then Twil wouldn't stand out. We could say we were coming back from a party."
"At ten in the morning?" Maria said.
"It was a fun party."
"Why would anyone ask?" Luke asked, sitting between them. "We're in a car. Who would stop to ask? You don't get pulled over for having a blue face."
"You might," Sarah Jane said, grimly. They had moved forward enough that they could see the part of the road that was blocked off. Moving behind the caution tape and directing traffic were a large number of men and women, all wearing red berets.
"Twil, put your hood up and pull it forward. Lean away from my side of the car and try to look asleep."
The kids in the back seat tensed at Sarah Jane's voice.
"What's going on?" Maria whispered.
"UNIT," Sarah Jane said.
"I thought you had friends in UNIT," Clyde said.
"I do," she answered. "But I don't have much authority with them overall, and I really don't want to explain why I have an alien in my front seat."
Twil squeaked nervously. Luke leaned forwards and held her hand. "It'll be fine."
The cars crawled past the UNIT soldiers. Twil huddled in the passenger seat, and the humans held their breath as they passed. The UNIT troopers stared impassively at the cars. Behind the yellow tape, Sarah Jane recognized UNIT scientists examining a stretch of the road, where large gashes had been rent in the concrete. Twil squeaked again, making them all jump.
"That's Fnoofy's sign!" she said. "He always marks his territory with that pattern! He was here!" Ignoring Sarah Jane's startled protests, the alien leaned over into the driver's seat to get a closer look.
"But that's blood!" Twil cried. "Fnoofy's been injured! Oh no, I bet those awful humans attacked him!"
With some effort, Sarah Jane managed to push Twil back into her seat, aided by Luke and Clyde pulling at her clothes.
"Don't panic, Twil," she said. "This doesn't look like a cleanup operation, so I don't think they got him. He probably escaped into the city. Don't worry," she said, staring the weeping alien down. "We'll find him first. Now stay calm, keep your hood up, and we'll be in Cardiff before you know it."
The car fell silent again. Despite Sarah Jane's assertations, the traffic was still barely moving, and as the UNIT squadron fell slowly out of sight, the kids returned to their state of tense boredom, staring out their respective windows.
"Oh, gross!" Clyde said suddenly. "There're two blokes making out in the car next to us!"
Maria leaned over to see. "Oh my god!" she laughed.
Luke frowned. "Why is it gross for two men to be kissing?" he asked Clyde.
"Well - " Clyde stuttered, "Well it isn't, no, I mean I guess not, I just wasn't expecting it."
"Wow, they are really going at it!"
"How can two people of the same sex have intercourse?" Luke asked. "It doesn't serve any reproductive processes."
Maria grinned. "Well, you see Luke…"
"I didn't know humans could change color," Twil said, peering at Sarah Jane's bright red face.
Sarah Jane just stared straight ahead and willed the traffic to move.
~~
Gwen was practically skipping as she entered the Hub in the morning.
"Good morning, Tosh!" she said, flopping down in her chair with a flourish. "Good morning, K-9!"
"GOOD MORNING, MISS GWEN."
"G'morning, Gwen," Toshiko said, yawning a little. "You're awfully bright and sunny this morning."
Gwen grinned. "Rhys made me breakfast," she said. "Chocolate chip banana pancakes. And coffee with a scoop of ice cream in it."
Toshiko glanced resentfully at her own cup of instant coffee. "That sounds wonderful," she sighed.
"You lucky bitch," added Owen as he stumbled in the door, stopping to glare at it for daring to make a noise so early in the morning.
"Mornin' to you too, Sunshine," Gwen said.
Owen glared at her and collapsed into his desk, burying his head in his arms. "Some of us didn't get breakfast. Or coffee. Is Ianto back yet? I miss Ianto."
"Just yesterday in the SUV, you were conspiring with K-9 to annoy him into retirement," Gwen pointed out.
"That was before there wasn't coffee."
"Why didn't you just make your own coffee?" Toshiko said.
"I don't have any. I haven't bought coffee in weeks. I always drink it here."
Toshiko was about to point out how that was his own fault, and Gwen was just about to take pity on him and offer to go to the coffee shop and get something for all of them when the phone went off.
Toshiko tapped her earpiece. "Hello?"
"Tosh," Ianto said. "Jack wanted me to check in."
"Good morning, Ianto," Toshiko said.
Gwen tapped her earpiece and joined in as Owen half-heartedly rummaged through his desk to find his own. "Good morning, Ianto!"
"Good morning, Gwen," Ianto said.
Owen shouted something not entirely appropriate for polite conversation in Gwen's direction. All Ianto caught was his name and a number of curse words.
"What was that?"
"Owen wants you to know that he misses you dearly, and wishes you were here so you could share lovely conversation and enjoy each other's company. He also was wondering if you could do him the extreme kindness of bringing him a cup of your world-famous coffee when you get in," Gwen translated.
"What she said," Owen said, finally locating his earpiece.
"We're still a couple hours out, it seems, but I'll see what I can do," Ianto said. "Do - do you have anything to report from last night?"
"Not much," Toshiko said. "I kept an eye out for your blue dog, but it seems to have gone into hiding. There haven't been any more eyewitnesses or damage done."
"Though it seems like K-9 was also looking for your dog," Gwen said. "He wouldn't say why."
"K-9?"
"The tin dog from last night," Toshiko explained. "He won't tell us anything about his masters, but apparently he was tracking the same alien you are. He called it a 'lost dog.'"
"O-oh, I see," Ianto said. Jack's voice came through the speakers, unintelligible. "Jack says to stay in the Hub, and we'll deal with it when we get back. Keep the tin dog inside for now. We're stuck in traffic right now, but we sh-should be back within a few hours."
"Ianto, are you alright?" Gwen said. "You sound out of breath."
"I'm fine," he said. "I'm jus- just out of breath, like you s-said."
"Ianto," Gwen said. "What is Jack doing?"
"H-he's - ah… multitasking?"
"Pass Jack the phone, Ianto."
There was a shuffling sound as Ianto obeyed. "Gwen! Good morning! How are you?" Jack said, cheerily.
"Jack, stop groping Ianto while you're driving, it's not safe."
Gwen could just hear the grin in Jack's voice. "We're really not moving at all, Gwen, there's no problem. And it's called a 'handjob,'" he said.
They hung up to the simultaneous cries of Ianto's "Jack!!" and Owen's "Oh god I didn't need to hear that hang up on him Gwen!"
~~
By ten o'clock, they were still stuck in traffic. Ianto was staring blindly out the window, watching the scenery go slowly by when Jack snapped him out of it.
"UNIT," he said.
"What?"
"UNIT," Jack repeated grimly. "There's a whole bunch of them up ahead."
Ianto peered where Jack was pointing. "So there are," he said. "You want me to see what they're up to?" he added, reaching in the back for the laptop.
"I bet I can guess," Jack said.
"You think they're after the blue dog?"
"Seems likely." Jack shrugged. "Anything else in Cardiff would be out of their jurisdiction, and they'd have to talk with me about it first. They usually try to avoid that."
"I wonder why," Ianto muttered, putting the laptop back.
Jack grinned wolfishly at him, but soon fell back to craning his neck to see around the other cars. "Do you think I should pull over and talk to them?"
"They're not technically in Cardiff yet," Ianto pointed out.
"Yeah, but I bet they will be." Jack sighed and leaned back in his seat. "Oh well. It's not like I can get all the way over there in this mess anyway. We told Tosh we'd be back over an hour ago."
"I'm sure Owen can manage another hour without imploding from coffee withdrawal."
"I'm not so sure about that," Jack laughed.
They both fell silent again, staring out the window and watching the uniformed soldiers direct traffic away from the area. Ianto dimly wondered how much one of those hats cost. He also thought about how long he might be able to get away with feeding Owen decaf without anyone noticing, whether or not Myfanwy had eaten all of the sheep carcasses yet, and finally if Jack was as bored as he was, or if he was just enjoying the view of the UNIT soldiers running around waving brightly colored sticks.
He was rather surprised when Jack spoke up again. "What do you think of this robot dog business?"
Ianto shrugged. "I don't know," he said. "Sort of a strange coincidence, I guess, having a robot dog and an alien dog in the same day. Though they do seem to be connected."
"Sure, I get all that," Jack said. "But what do you think about the dog itself?"
Ianto blinked. "I dunno. I haven't seen it yet."
They didn't speak for a minute.
"I don't really like robots," Ianto said.
Jack glanced at him sympathetically and rested his hand on his thigh, but didn't say anything.
"What about you?" Ianto asked.
Jack thought about it. "I don't really like dogs," he said.
"Really?"
"We used them in the war you know - both wars. Both sides had them, but they always seemed a little off. Even they were definitely soldiers. Seeing them as cute cuddly little pets never really appealed to me." He thought about it a little more. "And they're always jumping all over me or growling. They must not like how I smell."
Ianto nodded. "How about cats?"
Jack shifted about awkwardly. "I like cats," he said, sounding uncertain. "But they make me uncomfortable."
"Why's that?"
"Well…" Jack frowned, thinking. "In the future, there are these cat people."
"Oh god," Ianto said. "You've had sex with a cat, haven't you?"
"No!" Jack said. "I haven't - okay, I know I sometimes give that impression, but I haven't actually had sex with every alien in the future."
Ianto raised an eyebrow.
"I haven't!" he said. "…The ones I met were nuns."
"That doesn't always stop you."
Jack glared. "My being uncomfortable around cats has nothing to do with sex," he said. "But these people - their young look just like Earth kittens, except that they can talk and everything. It's just weird being around something you expect to be as smart as - or smarter than, they're damn clever, cat people - you are."
The UNIT soldiers were mostly out of sight by then. Jack looked back at them through the mirror.
"You going to be okay with the robot?"
Ianto turned back out the window. "I'll manage. At least it isn't a cyborg dog."
They sat in awkward silence for a few minutes, watching the scenery crawl by. Jack grinned.
"Hey, Ianto, look out my window! There're two guys in the car next to us making out!"
"Don't you get any ideas, Jack, I can see children in the next car over."
Part 2