Hallelujah (just off the key of reason) [12]
Title: Hallelujah (just off the key of reason) [12]
Author: minus_four
Rating: PG-13 (language)
Pairing: Ryan/Brendon
POV: 3rd
Summary: Priestfic AU. Brendon's a few years older than Ryan. Ryan didn’t want to put on an amateur performance though. He didn’t want to just be ‘good enough’. He wanted people - and maybe one person especially - to really love what they played, so he ended up putting a lot of pressure on himself even when no one else was, and especially when he was singing, since it really wasn’t his strong point.
Disclaimer: Not even close to real. I think that's apparent from the subject matter lol
Author's Notes: Okay, so I fail at updating. A lot. But I did spend some of that fail time writing the priestfic prequel with Bryce ( [Part 1] [Part 2] [Part 3]), so go check that out if you want. Apart from that... thanks for sticking with this and I promise much better updating in future.
Dedication: lolab for the Epic Brainstorming and for keeping me writing. And my bb, noahatthedisco, just 'cause.
[1] [2] [3] [4] [5] [6] [7] [8] [9] [10] [11]
Father David had just given the blessing at the end of the usual Sunday service, and Brendon was standing next to him, ready to follow him out once he’d finished. There was usually an announcement or two though, and this is when they were given out.
“Now, don’t forget, next Saturday is the fundraiser evening for the repair of the porch roof, plus church funds in general, and all and any help is greatly appreciated,” Father David addressed the congregation. “Anyone interested in performing, or if you know someone else who is, please note down your name on the form at the back of the church or talk to Rosie.” He pointed to a woman sitting a couple of rows behind Ryan, who glanced around to see her wave a hand in the air just in case anyone didn’t know who she was. “I know Ryan will be setting the example by signing up in a minute.”
When Father David added that Ryan immediately turned his head back to look at him, just as everyone else looked at him on reflex. It was completely true: Ryan was going to sign up to play something on the guitar, but when everyone’s attention suddenly switched to him for a moment without warning he couldn’t help but squirm a little, ducking his head down just slightly as he felt a flush of warmth spread up across his face and letting his bangs fall a bit more over his eyes. The priest smiled to himself though before he went on to give out the banns of marriage for that week, as he noticed the way Ryan appeared shy but also the nervous-but-secretly-pleased smile which crept onto the boy’s face as well, and he knew that he’d managed to do what he tried to as much as he could, which was to make Ryan feel really included, and wanted, and… special, really, was the word.
Brendon noticed it too, the younger priest having to use a lot of self control just to keep himself from grinning at the sight of Ryan smiling like that, biting his lip and blushing for goodness sake. Such a look wasn’t exactly found too often on Ryan’s face and Brendon found himself looking at it more intently than he perhaps should have before he could catch himself.
Then Ryan glanced up again, catching Brendon’s eye and giving him a half hearted attempt at a glare. One corner of his lips was still quirked upwards in a smile though, which kind of shattered the attempted illusion of annoyance and really didn’t help with that whole ‘not letting his brain run off into thinking about how adorable Ryan was at random intervals’ thing he’d been working on. It was hardly fair though, in Brendon’s opinion, when Ryan was, well, Ryan, and that meant being at least ten different kinds of adorable on any given day without even trying.
The paint incident hadn’t exactly helped either. Of course, it was great to have been able to reconnect a little with Ryan, to work towards being friends again after… everything, but for the past couple of weeks Brendon hadn’t been able to keep himself from thinking about it when his mind wandered: How surprised he’d been when Ryan seemed to be able to let what had happened, or not happened, between them go pretty well in the end, how Ryan had looked with that paint splattered on him - plus the less-than-accidental splodges and smears which were the result of the paint fight, and just how… happy Ryan had looked, laughing freely while he tried in vain to pull his wrists out of Brendon’s grasp.
And then there was that. Brendon didn’t want to, and he knew it was technically wrong, but mind always eventually ended up focused on what that had felt like; his fingers curled firmly around Ryan’s wrists, just having that contact and not having to think about how long it was held for, or what it might look like to anyone else. It had been spontaneous and free, not careful the way Brendon usually forced himself to be, and it hadn’t felt wrong. It hadn’t felt wrong at all, and maybe the complete opposite, and Brendon… well, he didn’t really know how he felt about that. Or maybe he did know, but he couldn’t, so he just pushed those kinds of thoughts to the back of his mind until they inevitably resurfaced again. It was easier that way. Well, easier in a this-is-really-hard kind of way, but when he and Ryan had managed to reconnect a little, and Ryan seemed to be dealing with the ‘just friends’ thing much better, Brendon wasn’t going to throw that away just because it was difficult.
When Brendon had finished saying goodbye to people at the door as they left and everyone else had wandered off to get coffee from where they were serving it in the little kitchen area, he did the same, right away heading towards one little group of people who were sat together with their coffee.
Well, Jon and William were sat together, talking, and Ryan was knelt in front of the stroller where William’s son Riley was sat. Part of it, Brendon knew, was giving William a little break from watching the toddler and just be able to talk for a while - though anyone could tell he was just about as devoted as a father could be, but Brendon also knew that part of it, no matter how much he might have denied it, was that Ryan simply enjoyed playing with Riley. At the moment he was playing peek-a-boo with the two year old, keeping him from getting grizzly about having to sit still in his stroller and making him laugh instead.
Just as Brendon walked up behind them, Riley reached out his little arms towards Ryan and babbled a little, sounding almost distressed as he made grabby hands towards the cookie which was sat next to Ryan’s coffee cup, turning his big brown eyes fully on Ryan’s as he pouted.
“Bill,” Ryan said, catching William’s attention and holding the cookie up for him to see. William smiled and nodded before going back to his conversation with Jon, and Ryan broke the sugar cookie in half before giving it to Riley. “There ya go.” In response Riley just let out a little triumphant giggle, clutching the cookie in his hands as he started to eat it happily.
“If I look at you like that and pout do I get the other half?” Brendon said, smirking as Ryan turned to look at him, the younger male returning the smile.
“Only if you’re a very good boy,” Ryan replied, rolling his eyes and gesturing to the table where there were plenty more cookies. “Or you could have one of those and not steal from the tiny child,” he laughed.
“But I want that one,” Brendon joked, pointing at the half of the cookie still in Ryan’s hand. Ryan just rolled his eyes as Brendon knelt down next to him, turning his attention to Riley instead. “You don’t mind, do you?” he asked the toddler, who just blinked at him. “It just looks really, really good,” Brendon went on. “I don’t know if I can stop myself,” he let out a dramatic sigh. “So if I just…” Brendon leaned forward then, opening his mouth wide and moving really slowly towards the bit of cookie still in Riley’s hand.
“No!” Riley yelled, giggling as Brendon pretending to nibble at the cookie, making ‘om nom nom’ noises. He moved the cookie away from Brendon before smacking his little hand down on the top of Brendon’s head. “No,” he repeated, laughing again when Brendon sat back again, making an exaggerated shocked-face expression.
“You are so not getting into heaven,” Brendon said jokingly, earning himself a slap on the arm from Ryan this time.
“Don’t say that,” Ryan told him, giving Brendon another classic eye roll.
“He doesn’t understand yet, and I was joking.” Brendon made a ‘pfft’ noise. “And he hit me.”
“You deserved it,” Ryan shot back, laughing as Brendon let out another sigh before just settling for pouting at Ryan for a while.
“Ba?” Riley’s voice caught both Brendon and Ryan’s attention and they looked at him to see the child holding out the last little bit of cookie to Brendon.
“Aww.” Brendon exchanged a look and a smile with Ryan before speaking to Riley again. “No, Ry. Thank you, you’re a good boy, but you have it, ’kay?” Brendon guided Riley’s hand back to his own mouth so he could finish the cookie before Ryan produced the other half to guarantee Riley would be happy for at least another minute or two. “So,” Brendon said, turning his head to look at Ryan instead, “what song are you going to be doing?” he asked, genuinely curious.
“I don’t know yet,” Ryan lied. “But I was thinking I might see if Jon wanted to join me,” he added, laughing as Jon immediately paused his conversation with William, leaning sideways to look at them around William’s lean body.
“What are you saying about me?” Jon raised an eyebrow at them, looking from Ryan to Brendon, and back.
“Ryan was just saying ‘I hope that no-good Jon Walker doesn’t think I’m going to let him join me’, and let me tell you, Jon, I was shocked,” Brendon shook his head before turning his gaze to Ryan. “I mean, he’s right here, Ry.” Ryan just gave Brendon a shove, putting him off balance and making him almost topple over as Riley just laughed. “Oh, I see how it is,” Brendon said to Riley as he righted himself again, but he was grinning.
“What I was actually talking about,” Ryan said to Jon, “was that you could join me when I play on Saturday, if you wanted,” he offered, and a smile right away spread across Jon face.
“That’d be awesome.” He nodded. “Just let me know when you want to get together and practise or whatever.”
“Sure,” Ryan smiled back at him, kind of an automatic response with someone like Jon. “I just need to check with my friend Spencer. He’s going to be playing too,” Ryan explained, nodding as William turned around in his seat to look at them.
“Sounds like a pretty big production you’re organising there,” he remarked, raising an eyebrow at Ryan. “Shame I won’t be there to see it.”
“What?” Brendon said straight away. “Dude, you should come. It’s not on that late, and munchkin here can always have a little nap in his stroller if he gets tired, right?” Brendon asked.
“Well, I guess,” William nodded. “But -”
“I was just telling him that he should actually perform,” Jon cut in. “Did you know guys know that he plays too?”
“Just a few songs on my acoustic, nothing special or anything,” William said quickly, shooting Jon a glare.
“Oh. Wait. What was that? ‘I’ll just go and put my name down on that list over there’, is that what you said?” Brendon laughed. “You heard daddy say that, didn’t you, Riley?” He reached over and tapped his index finger lightly on Riley’s nose, making the child giggle.
“Well, I hope so. I don’t want to have to use the ‘I won’t play if Bill doesn’t play’ card, but…” Ryan smirked, and William turned to give him the same look he’d just given Jon. Ryan just stared him down, keeping eye contact until William let out a sigh, shaking his head.
“Fine,” William laughed, and Jon leaned over to high five Brendon. “But you guys can watch my baby for me while I play then,” he said, looking from Brendon to Ryan, who nodded.
“Deal,” Ryan nodded exchanging a grin with Brendon. He’d been looking forward to Saturday night before; getting to play music for other people was something he loved even if he did get pretty nervous, but now he was going to get to see Bill play as well. And not only that, but he knew that William, being a single dad, didn’t exactly get out much in the evenings, and him coming to the fundraiser also meant that he was becoming less self conscious about Riley disturbing people in the church, which was good too.
So yeah, all in all Ryan was really looking forward to Saturday evening now. Not that he wasn’t before, but then his reasons had been just a little… different.
Since Ryan had known the fundraiser had been coming up for weeks now, he and Spencer had already been practising his song for a while. There wasn’t really time to set up Spencer’s whole kit, and besides that it was going to be a quieter performance anyway, so they were having one muted drum and a cymbal. In all honesty, Ryan didn’t really need percussion to play; he could keep rhythm pretty well on his own. What he needed though, was Spencer. Ryan could play pretty well, even in front of a crowd he could keep it together on the guitar well enough, but if he was going to sing - and he was on Saturday - then Ryan needed Spencer there to keep him from freaking out and messing up.
Back up vocals from Jon wouldn’t exactly hurt either, Ryan figured, though the real reason behind asking Jon to play was mainly to do with making sure he was included and everything. Plus, there was that thing where Jon was basically completely awesome.
And Spencer thought so too, Ryan noticed when they all got together to practise ’round Spencer’s place. It wouldn’t have been noticeable to anyone who didn’t know Spencer as well as he did - it was all in shy looks from Spencer when Jon would glance over at him from where he was sat; or looking away more like, Spencer ducking his head under some pretence of checking his stool or while he fidgeted with the crease in his jeans, just to hide the smile that spread across his features a split second after Jon would give him a grin from across the room. It wasn’t a Spencer Smith smile that even Ryan saw all that often, usually reserved for when something Truly Awesome happened, or maybe just if Ryan was just having one of those good days, when he was able to just talk and it wasn’t so hard and his fingers didn’t shake and he didn’t even flinch at any sudden movements or anything. And sure, that day had been pretty great, especially with all of them jamming together, but Ryan was pretty damn sure it also had something to do with the appearance of one Jon Walker too. Not that Ryan had a problem with that at all, and especially not when it made his best friend smile like that.
The practice time went quickly and the week with it, making Ryan wish he’d taken even more time to get the song ready. It wasn’t as though there was any real pressure on them at all, given that okay, yeah, people were technically paying for a show, but it was a charity thing; no one expected them to be something they weren’t. There were some other amateur musicians playing from around the town, as well as a couple of Vegas performers Father David had been able to get to come (Brendon had asked whether Father David wanted him to strip for everyone if it was going to be that kind of show, but when the offer had been politely declined Brendon had just grumbled something about how he would have made a totally awesome stripper, and Ryan had tried very, very hard to think of something, anything to keep himself from getting aroused - or hey, fuck that, try coming in his pants - at the thought).
Ryan didn’t want to put on an amateur performance though. He didn’t want to just be ‘good enough’. He wanted people - and maybe one person especially - to really love what they played, so he ended up putting a lot of pressure on himself even when no one else was, and especially when he was singing, since it really wasn’t his strong point.
Singing was definitely one of William’s strong points though, Ryan found out on that Saturday evening. The chairs had been moved in the space of the church so they were kind of in an arc around a clear area in which the performances took place. William was sat on a chair, his acoustic on his lap and nothing else to aid his performance except the microphone in front of him. He didn’t really need it though, not when the entire place fell completely silent as they listened to him singing. Riley’s stroller was sitting next to Ryan and Brendon in the front row just in case the toddler woke up from his dozing halfway through William’s performance and wanted to know where his daddy had gone. Ryan was even more impressed when he thought about how William had shyly announced before he’d begun that he’d actually written the song. Ryan played around with music and had written some stuff, but it wasn’t up to that standard yet, and he was going to be playing a cover in a few minutes, not something original.
Their song was important though, Ryan thought to himself as the audience gave William a round of applause and it came time for himself, Jon, and Spencer to set up for their song. As Ryan put out the couple of extra chairs and made sure his and Jon’s guitars were good to go he tried not to look around at everyone too much. Sure, he knew a good percentage of them and everything, but playing to a fairly decent sized crowd still put him on edge. He made himself look up though after he’d sat down, looking out into the audience. Ryan only let his gaze travel around the crowd for a few moments, to Father David sitting over to the side, the priest giving him an encouraging smile, before Ryan looked back to the front row on his side, to where Brendon was sitting next to William now, Riley sleeping snuggled in his father’s arms.
Ryan looked to his left at Jon before then turning in his seat a little to look at Spencer who was sat to his left. Spence was already looking at him and the two of them held eye contact for a good few seconds before Spencer just smiled at him and nodded. The two of them had discussed the song they were playing when Ryan first had the idea.
The thing was, he and Brendon had managed to reconnect a couple of weeks before when they were painting and everything, and things had been better between them, but Ryan could tell that Brendon was still just really… cautious with him, careful with what he said and did, when it had been Ryan who messed things up between them with the kiss and asking to stay with Brendon when he just couldn’t… It was like Brendon was still feeling guilty for some reason, and Ryan didn’t want that, not when Brendon had been so great to him really, and understanding. It wasn’t Brendon’s fault that had happened between them, even if it wasn’t really Ryan’s either, given the circumstances of the night when he’d kissed Brendon. It was just life; things happen and things change… Ryan hadn’t known how to approach talking to Brendon about it though, but he did know that Brendon liked to communicate through music, and Ryan just hoped that he could get the message across.
“So,” Ryan said hesitantly into his microphone. “Some of you might recognise this song,” he addressed the audience, looking around for a few seconds before bringing his eyes back to meet Brendon’s as he spoke again. “It’s by a band called the Smashing Pumpkins.” Ryan saw recognition Brendon’s flash across eyes as they widened slightly. “It’s entitled ‘Tonight Tonight’,” he finished, giving Brendon a smile as he saw the priest’s mouth drop open just slightly in a mixture of shock and realisation while Spencer counted them in with a few beats and he and Jon started to play.
“Time is never time at all,” Ryan began, his voice faltering just a little with nerves but strengthening as he went on. “You can never ever leave without leaving a piece of youth.”
When Brendon had played the song on the church’s grand piano he hadn’t even reached the first chorus before he’d stopped to talk to Ryan, but he had gotten to one in particular which he’d sung to Ryan, so Ryan did the same.
“That life can change, that you're not stuck in vain.” Ryan kept his eyes on Brendon’s as he sang, trying to focus on him instead of the room. Even Brendon hadn’t ever heard him sing before, Ryan was that self conscious about it, but he figured these things were much to do with emotion as well as hitting notes, so he concentrated on feeling the words as he sang them, just hoping his fingers didn’t fumble on his guitar strings because the nerves got to him. Ryan really just wanted to get this right.
Brendon couldn’t get over how right things suddenly felt in his mind. He’d spent so long trying to fight against all of this and figure out how much was right, what was appropriate, but now he was just feeling it, and nothing had felt quite so right to Brendon in… well, a good amount over half a year and then some, actually. Then again, Brendon figured, he shouldn’t really have been all that surprised, and he must have been something of a creature of habit, because the first time Brendon realised he was falling in love Bryce had been playing him a song and now, listening to Ryan sing these words, play this song… It was like something just clicked into place and Brendon couldn’t bring himself to fight it and try and convince himself it was wrong, not when it felt like this.
“Oh,” Brendon breathed out, the sound inaudible over the music. “Oh wow,” was really the only thing his brain was capable of putting together, given the situation and that Ryan was still playing, and still looking at him like that, like everything was just okay somehow, even though it couldn’t, or maybe shouldn’t, be. Brendon couldn’t really bring himself to care at that moment.
When Ryan finished the first chorus there was an instrumental part for a little while, and Ryan took a deep breath before speaking into the microphone rather than singing.
“Now I’d like to introduce you to someone who can sing this about a hundred times better than I can,” Ryan said, glancing around everyone once more before bringing his focus back to the man sat in front of him. “Brendon Urie, ladies and gentlemen,” he said, his eyes questioning Brendon’s as the other male just stared at him for a second. Then William jabbed him in the side with an elbow, telling Brendon to go and it was only then he finally got up.
Brendon walked over to where Ryan was sat, silently mouthing an ‘I’m gonna kill you, Ross’ despite the grin which was now spread right across his face, and moved the microphone over from where Ryan was sat and slightly forward, adjusting it to his height just as he needed to start singing. He barely had time to think about it really, but that was probably just as well, as Brendon let his mind go on auto pilot and he began to sing.
“And you know you're never sure, but you're sure you could be right,” Brendon sang, quietly at first before he turned to meet Ryan’s eyes. “If you held yourself up to the light,” he went on, having to force himself to look around the room instead of just focusing on Ryan just then. He sang the rest of the song, somehow remembering the lyrics despite the huge amount of other thoughts running through his mind at that point, and it was a little while before he turned to look at Ryan again, finally letting himself make eye contact again as he sang the words, feeling them as the other guys all seemed to step up their playing for the last part of the song, allowing Brendon to really sing the last couple of lines, putting everything he was feeling right then into them as he kept his eyes right on Ryan’s, trying to communicate with his eyes as much as his voice. “The impossible is possible tonight. So believe in me because I believe in you, tonight.”
Brendon put everything into it, and it seemed to work, because Ryan’s eyes widened in a sudden awareness, frowning just slightly in confusion as Brendon finished the song, drawing out the final ‘tonight’ as the rest of them stopped playing, leaving just Brendon’s voice as the note faded and the room erupted in applause for them, a lot of people getting to their feet too.
Ryan barely noticed though, because all he could focus on right then was Brendon; the way Brendon was looking at him, the way he was smiling, looking like he was feeling just so… happy was the only Ryan could really come up with, but it really did fit the expression on Brendon’s face as he and Ryan just kept looking at each other even as the applause died away. And maybe it wasn’t just ‘happy’ Brendon was feeling, Ryan realised as a grin broke out across his own face.
Maybe, just maybe, it was something else too. Something more.
***A/N: So...? btw the song is here - Tonight Tonight - if you want to reread it while listening like I did on repeat while writing lol.
Let me know what you think, guys. Love to all <3
Author: minus_four
Rating: PG-13 (language)
Pairing: Ryan/Brendon
POV: 3rd
Summary: Priestfic AU. Brendon's a few years older than Ryan. Ryan didn’t want to put on an amateur performance though. He didn’t want to just be ‘good enough’. He wanted people - and maybe one person especially - to really love what they played, so he ended up putting a lot of pressure on himself even when no one else was, and especially when he was singing, since it really wasn’t his strong point.
Disclaimer: Not even close to real. I think that's apparent from the subject matter lol
Author's Notes: Okay, so I fail at updating. A lot. But I did spend some of that fail time writing the priestfic prequel with Bryce ( [Part 1] [Part 2] [Part 3]), so go check that out if you want. Apart from that... thanks for sticking with this and I promise much better updating in future.
Dedication: lolab for the Epic Brainstorming and for keeping me writing. And my bb, noahatthedisco, just 'cause.
[1] [2] [3] [4] [5] [6] [7] [8] [9] [10] [11]
Father David had just given the blessing at the end of the usual Sunday service, and Brendon was standing next to him, ready to follow him out once he’d finished. There was usually an announcement or two though, and this is when they were given out.
“Now, don’t forget, next Saturday is the fundraiser evening for the repair of the porch roof, plus church funds in general, and all and any help is greatly appreciated,” Father David addressed the congregation. “Anyone interested in performing, or if you know someone else who is, please note down your name on the form at the back of the church or talk to Rosie.” He pointed to a woman sitting a couple of rows behind Ryan, who glanced around to see her wave a hand in the air just in case anyone didn’t know who she was. “I know Ryan will be setting the example by signing up in a minute.”
When Father David added that Ryan immediately turned his head back to look at him, just as everyone else looked at him on reflex. It was completely true: Ryan was going to sign up to play something on the guitar, but when everyone’s attention suddenly switched to him for a moment without warning he couldn’t help but squirm a little, ducking his head down just slightly as he felt a flush of warmth spread up across his face and letting his bangs fall a bit more over his eyes. The priest smiled to himself though before he went on to give out the banns of marriage for that week, as he noticed the way Ryan appeared shy but also the nervous-but-secretly-pleased smile which crept onto the boy’s face as well, and he knew that he’d managed to do what he tried to as much as he could, which was to make Ryan feel really included, and wanted, and… special, really, was the word.
Brendon noticed it too, the younger priest having to use a lot of self control just to keep himself from grinning at the sight of Ryan smiling like that, biting his lip and blushing for goodness sake. Such a look wasn’t exactly found too often on Ryan’s face and Brendon found himself looking at it more intently than he perhaps should have before he could catch himself.
Then Ryan glanced up again, catching Brendon’s eye and giving him a half hearted attempt at a glare. One corner of his lips was still quirked upwards in a smile though, which kind of shattered the attempted illusion of annoyance and really didn’t help with that whole ‘not letting his brain run off into thinking about how adorable Ryan was at random intervals’ thing he’d been working on. It was hardly fair though, in Brendon’s opinion, when Ryan was, well, Ryan, and that meant being at least ten different kinds of adorable on any given day without even trying.
The paint incident hadn’t exactly helped either. Of course, it was great to have been able to reconnect a little with Ryan, to work towards being friends again after… everything, but for the past couple of weeks Brendon hadn’t been able to keep himself from thinking about it when his mind wandered: How surprised he’d been when Ryan seemed to be able to let what had happened, or not happened, between them go pretty well in the end, how Ryan had looked with that paint splattered on him - plus the less-than-accidental splodges and smears which were the result of the paint fight, and just how… happy Ryan had looked, laughing freely while he tried in vain to pull his wrists out of Brendon’s grasp.
And then there was that. Brendon didn’t want to, and he knew it was technically wrong, but mind always eventually ended up focused on what that had felt like; his fingers curled firmly around Ryan’s wrists, just having that contact and not having to think about how long it was held for, or what it might look like to anyone else. It had been spontaneous and free, not careful the way Brendon usually forced himself to be, and it hadn’t felt wrong. It hadn’t felt wrong at all, and maybe the complete opposite, and Brendon… well, he didn’t really know how he felt about that. Or maybe he did know, but he couldn’t, so he just pushed those kinds of thoughts to the back of his mind until they inevitably resurfaced again. It was easier that way. Well, easier in a this-is-really-hard kind of way, but when he and Ryan had managed to reconnect a little, and Ryan seemed to be dealing with the ‘just friends’ thing much better, Brendon wasn’t going to throw that away just because it was difficult.
When Brendon had finished saying goodbye to people at the door as they left and everyone else had wandered off to get coffee from where they were serving it in the little kitchen area, he did the same, right away heading towards one little group of people who were sat together with their coffee.
Well, Jon and William were sat together, talking, and Ryan was knelt in front of the stroller where William’s son Riley was sat. Part of it, Brendon knew, was giving William a little break from watching the toddler and just be able to talk for a while - though anyone could tell he was just about as devoted as a father could be, but Brendon also knew that part of it, no matter how much he might have denied it, was that Ryan simply enjoyed playing with Riley. At the moment he was playing peek-a-boo with the two year old, keeping him from getting grizzly about having to sit still in his stroller and making him laugh instead.
Just as Brendon walked up behind them, Riley reached out his little arms towards Ryan and babbled a little, sounding almost distressed as he made grabby hands towards the cookie which was sat next to Ryan’s coffee cup, turning his big brown eyes fully on Ryan’s as he pouted.
“Bill,” Ryan said, catching William’s attention and holding the cookie up for him to see. William smiled and nodded before going back to his conversation with Jon, and Ryan broke the sugar cookie in half before giving it to Riley. “There ya go.” In response Riley just let out a little triumphant giggle, clutching the cookie in his hands as he started to eat it happily.
“If I look at you like that and pout do I get the other half?” Brendon said, smirking as Ryan turned to look at him, the younger male returning the smile.
“Only if you’re a very good boy,” Ryan replied, rolling his eyes and gesturing to the table where there were plenty more cookies. “Or you could have one of those and not steal from the tiny child,” he laughed.
“But I want that one,” Brendon joked, pointing at the half of the cookie still in Ryan’s hand. Ryan just rolled his eyes as Brendon knelt down next to him, turning his attention to Riley instead. “You don’t mind, do you?” he asked the toddler, who just blinked at him. “It just looks really, really good,” Brendon went on. “I don’t know if I can stop myself,” he let out a dramatic sigh. “So if I just…” Brendon leaned forward then, opening his mouth wide and moving really slowly towards the bit of cookie still in Riley’s hand.
“No!” Riley yelled, giggling as Brendon pretending to nibble at the cookie, making ‘om nom nom’ noises. He moved the cookie away from Brendon before smacking his little hand down on the top of Brendon’s head. “No,” he repeated, laughing again when Brendon sat back again, making an exaggerated shocked-face expression.
“You are so not getting into heaven,” Brendon said jokingly, earning himself a slap on the arm from Ryan this time.
“Don’t say that,” Ryan told him, giving Brendon another classic eye roll.
“He doesn’t understand yet, and I was joking.” Brendon made a ‘pfft’ noise. “And he hit me.”
“You deserved it,” Ryan shot back, laughing as Brendon let out another sigh before just settling for pouting at Ryan for a while.
“Ba?” Riley’s voice caught both Brendon and Ryan’s attention and they looked at him to see the child holding out the last little bit of cookie to Brendon.
“Aww.” Brendon exchanged a look and a smile with Ryan before speaking to Riley again. “No, Ry. Thank you, you’re a good boy, but you have it, ’kay?” Brendon guided Riley’s hand back to his own mouth so he could finish the cookie before Ryan produced the other half to guarantee Riley would be happy for at least another minute or two. “So,” Brendon said, turning his head to look at Ryan instead, “what song are you going to be doing?” he asked, genuinely curious.
“I don’t know yet,” Ryan lied. “But I was thinking I might see if Jon wanted to join me,” he added, laughing as Jon immediately paused his conversation with William, leaning sideways to look at them around William’s lean body.
“What are you saying about me?” Jon raised an eyebrow at them, looking from Ryan to Brendon, and back.
“Ryan was just saying ‘I hope that no-good Jon Walker doesn’t think I’m going to let him join me’, and let me tell you, Jon, I was shocked,” Brendon shook his head before turning his gaze to Ryan. “I mean, he’s right here, Ry.” Ryan just gave Brendon a shove, putting him off balance and making him almost topple over as Riley just laughed. “Oh, I see how it is,” Brendon said to Riley as he righted himself again, but he was grinning.
“What I was actually talking about,” Ryan said to Jon, “was that you could join me when I play on Saturday, if you wanted,” he offered, and a smile right away spread across Jon face.
“That’d be awesome.” He nodded. “Just let me know when you want to get together and practise or whatever.”
“Sure,” Ryan smiled back at him, kind of an automatic response with someone like Jon. “I just need to check with my friend Spencer. He’s going to be playing too,” Ryan explained, nodding as William turned around in his seat to look at them.
“Sounds like a pretty big production you’re organising there,” he remarked, raising an eyebrow at Ryan. “Shame I won’t be there to see it.”
“What?” Brendon said straight away. “Dude, you should come. It’s not on that late, and munchkin here can always have a little nap in his stroller if he gets tired, right?” Brendon asked.
“Well, I guess,” William nodded. “But -”
“I was just telling him that he should actually perform,” Jon cut in. “Did you know guys know that he plays too?”
“Just a few songs on my acoustic, nothing special or anything,” William said quickly, shooting Jon a glare.
“Oh. Wait. What was that? ‘I’ll just go and put my name down on that list over there’, is that what you said?” Brendon laughed. “You heard daddy say that, didn’t you, Riley?” He reached over and tapped his index finger lightly on Riley’s nose, making the child giggle.
“Well, I hope so. I don’t want to have to use the ‘I won’t play if Bill doesn’t play’ card, but…” Ryan smirked, and William turned to give him the same look he’d just given Jon. Ryan just stared him down, keeping eye contact until William let out a sigh, shaking his head.
“Fine,” William laughed, and Jon leaned over to high five Brendon. “But you guys can watch my baby for me while I play then,” he said, looking from Brendon to Ryan, who nodded.
“Deal,” Ryan nodded exchanging a grin with Brendon. He’d been looking forward to Saturday night before; getting to play music for other people was something he loved even if he did get pretty nervous, but now he was going to get to see Bill play as well. And not only that, but he knew that William, being a single dad, didn’t exactly get out much in the evenings, and him coming to the fundraiser also meant that he was becoming less self conscious about Riley disturbing people in the church, which was good too.
So yeah, all in all Ryan was really looking forward to Saturday evening now. Not that he wasn’t before, but then his reasons had been just a little… different.
Since Ryan had known the fundraiser had been coming up for weeks now, he and Spencer had already been practising his song for a while. There wasn’t really time to set up Spencer’s whole kit, and besides that it was going to be a quieter performance anyway, so they were having one muted drum and a cymbal. In all honesty, Ryan didn’t really need percussion to play; he could keep rhythm pretty well on his own. What he needed though, was Spencer. Ryan could play pretty well, even in front of a crowd he could keep it together on the guitar well enough, but if he was going to sing - and he was on Saturday - then Ryan needed Spencer there to keep him from freaking out and messing up.
Back up vocals from Jon wouldn’t exactly hurt either, Ryan figured, though the real reason behind asking Jon to play was mainly to do with making sure he was included and everything. Plus, there was that thing where Jon was basically completely awesome.
And Spencer thought so too, Ryan noticed when they all got together to practise ’round Spencer’s place. It wouldn’t have been noticeable to anyone who didn’t know Spencer as well as he did - it was all in shy looks from Spencer when Jon would glance over at him from where he was sat; or looking away more like, Spencer ducking his head under some pretence of checking his stool or while he fidgeted with the crease in his jeans, just to hide the smile that spread across his features a split second after Jon would give him a grin from across the room. It wasn’t a Spencer Smith smile that even Ryan saw all that often, usually reserved for when something Truly Awesome happened, or maybe just if Ryan was just having one of those good days, when he was able to just talk and it wasn’t so hard and his fingers didn’t shake and he didn’t even flinch at any sudden movements or anything. And sure, that day had been pretty great, especially with all of them jamming together, but Ryan was pretty damn sure it also had something to do with the appearance of one Jon Walker too. Not that Ryan had a problem with that at all, and especially not when it made his best friend smile like that.
The practice time went quickly and the week with it, making Ryan wish he’d taken even more time to get the song ready. It wasn’t as though there was any real pressure on them at all, given that okay, yeah, people were technically paying for a show, but it was a charity thing; no one expected them to be something they weren’t. There were some other amateur musicians playing from around the town, as well as a couple of Vegas performers Father David had been able to get to come (Brendon had asked whether Father David wanted him to strip for everyone if it was going to be that kind of show, but when the offer had been politely declined Brendon had just grumbled something about how he would have made a totally awesome stripper, and Ryan had tried very, very hard to think of something, anything to keep himself from getting aroused - or hey, fuck that, try coming in his pants - at the thought).
Ryan didn’t want to put on an amateur performance though. He didn’t want to just be ‘good enough’. He wanted people - and maybe one person especially - to really love what they played, so he ended up putting a lot of pressure on himself even when no one else was, and especially when he was singing, since it really wasn’t his strong point.
Singing was definitely one of William’s strong points though, Ryan found out on that Saturday evening. The chairs had been moved in the space of the church so they were kind of in an arc around a clear area in which the performances took place. William was sat on a chair, his acoustic on his lap and nothing else to aid his performance except the microphone in front of him. He didn’t really need it though, not when the entire place fell completely silent as they listened to him singing. Riley’s stroller was sitting next to Ryan and Brendon in the front row just in case the toddler woke up from his dozing halfway through William’s performance and wanted to know where his daddy had gone. Ryan was even more impressed when he thought about how William had shyly announced before he’d begun that he’d actually written the song. Ryan played around with music and had written some stuff, but it wasn’t up to that standard yet, and he was going to be playing a cover in a few minutes, not something original.
Their song was important though, Ryan thought to himself as the audience gave William a round of applause and it came time for himself, Jon, and Spencer to set up for their song. As Ryan put out the couple of extra chairs and made sure his and Jon’s guitars were good to go he tried not to look around at everyone too much. Sure, he knew a good percentage of them and everything, but playing to a fairly decent sized crowd still put him on edge. He made himself look up though after he’d sat down, looking out into the audience. Ryan only let his gaze travel around the crowd for a few moments, to Father David sitting over to the side, the priest giving him an encouraging smile, before Ryan looked back to the front row on his side, to where Brendon was sitting next to William now, Riley sleeping snuggled in his father’s arms.
Ryan looked to his left at Jon before then turning in his seat a little to look at Spencer who was sat to his left. Spence was already looking at him and the two of them held eye contact for a good few seconds before Spencer just smiled at him and nodded. The two of them had discussed the song they were playing when Ryan first had the idea.
The thing was, he and Brendon had managed to reconnect a couple of weeks before when they were painting and everything, and things had been better between them, but Ryan could tell that Brendon was still just really… cautious with him, careful with what he said and did, when it had been Ryan who messed things up between them with the kiss and asking to stay with Brendon when he just couldn’t… It was like Brendon was still feeling guilty for some reason, and Ryan didn’t want that, not when Brendon had been so great to him really, and understanding. It wasn’t Brendon’s fault that had happened between them, even if it wasn’t really Ryan’s either, given the circumstances of the night when he’d kissed Brendon. It was just life; things happen and things change… Ryan hadn’t known how to approach talking to Brendon about it though, but he did know that Brendon liked to communicate through music, and Ryan just hoped that he could get the message across.
“So,” Ryan said hesitantly into his microphone. “Some of you might recognise this song,” he addressed the audience, looking around for a few seconds before bringing his eyes back to meet Brendon’s as he spoke again. “It’s by a band called the Smashing Pumpkins.” Ryan saw recognition Brendon’s flash across eyes as they widened slightly. “It’s entitled ‘Tonight Tonight’,” he finished, giving Brendon a smile as he saw the priest’s mouth drop open just slightly in a mixture of shock and realisation while Spencer counted them in with a few beats and he and Jon started to play.
“Time is never time at all,” Ryan began, his voice faltering just a little with nerves but strengthening as he went on. “You can never ever leave without leaving a piece of youth.”
When Brendon had played the song on the church’s grand piano he hadn’t even reached the first chorus before he’d stopped to talk to Ryan, but he had gotten to one in particular which he’d sung to Ryan, so Ryan did the same.
“That life can change, that you're not stuck in vain.” Ryan kept his eyes on Brendon’s as he sang, trying to focus on him instead of the room. Even Brendon hadn’t ever heard him sing before, Ryan was that self conscious about it, but he figured these things were much to do with emotion as well as hitting notes, so he concentrated on feeling the words as he sang them, just hoping his fingers didn’t fumble on his guitar strings because the nerves got to him. Ryan really just wanted to get this right.
Brendon couldn’t get over how right things suddenly felt in his mind. He’d spent so long trying to fight against all of this and figure out how much was right, what was appropriate, but now he was just feeling it, and nothing had felt quite so right to Brendon in… well, a good amount over half a year and then some, actually. Then again, Brendon figured, he shouldn’t really have been all that surprised, and he must have been something of a creature of habit, because the first time Brendon realised he was falling in love Bryce had been playing him a song and now, listening to Ryan sing these words, play this song… It was like something just clicked into place and Brendon couldn’t bring himself to fight it and try and convince himself it was wrong, not when it felt like this.
“Oh,” Brendon breathed out, the sound inaudible over the music. “Oh wow,” was really the only thing his brain was capable of putting together, given the situation and that Ryan was still playing, and still looking at him like that, like everything was just okay somehow, even though it couldn’t, or maybe shouldn’t, be. Brendon couldn’t really bring himself to care at that moment.
When Ryan finished the first chorus there was an instrumental part for a little while, and Ryan took a deep breath before speaking into the microphone rather than singing.
“Now I’d like to introduce you to someone who can sing this about a hundred times better than I can,” Ryan said, glancing around everyone once more before bringing his focus back to the man sat in front of him. “Brendon Urie, ladies and gentlemen,” he said, his eyes questioning Brendon’s as the other male just stared at him for a second. Then William jabbed him in the side with an elbow, telling Brendon to go and it was only then he finally got up.
Brendon walked over to where Ryan was sat, silently mouthing an ‘I’m gonna kill you, Ross’ despite the grin which was now spread right across his face, and moved the microphone over from where Ryan was sat and slightly forward, adjusting it to his height just as he needed to start singing. He barely had time to think about it really, but that was probably just as well, as Brendon let his mind go on auto pilot and he began to sing.
“And you know you're never sure, but you're sure you could be right,” Brendon sang, quietly at first before he turned to meet Ryan’s eyes. “If you held yourself up to the light,” he went on, having to force himself to look around the room instead of just focusing on Ryan just then. He sang the rest of the song, somehow remembering the lyrics despite the huge amount of other thoughts running through his mind at that point, and it was a little while before he turned to look at Ryan again, finally letting himself make eye contact again as he sang the words, feeling them as the other guys all seemed to step up their playing for the last part of the song, allowing Brendon to really sing the last couple of lines, putting everything he was feeling right then into them as he kept his eyes right on Ryan’s, trying to communicate with his eyes as much as his voice. “The impossible is possible tonight. So believe in me because I believe in you, tonight.”
Brendon put everything into it, and it seemed to work, because Ryan’s eyes widened in a sudden awareness, frowning just slightly in confusion as Brendon finished the song, drawing out the final ‘tonight’ as the rest of them stopped playing, leaving just Brendon’s voice as the note faded and the room erupted in applause for them, a lot of people getting to their feet too.
Ryan barely noticed though, because all he could focus on right then was Brendon; the way Brendon was looking at him, the way he was smiling, looking like he was feeling just so… happy was the only Ryan could really come up with, but it really did fit the expression on Brendon’s face as he and Ryan just kept looking at each other even as the applause died away. And maybe it wasn’t just ‘happy’ Brendon was feeling, Ryan realised as a grin broke out across his own face.
Maybe, just maybe, it was something else too. Something more.
***A/N: So...? btw the song is here - Tonight Tonight - if you want to reread it while listening like I did on repeat while writing lol.
Let me know what you think, guys. Love to all <3