Breaking Habits (you don't want to know) - 17
Title: Breaking Habits (you don't want to know) - 17
Author: minus_four
Rating: PG-13 (language, content)
Pairing: William Beckett/Ryan Ross and William Beckett/Gabe Saporta
POV: Third
Summary: William's fighting his demons in rehab. All too familiar with the path of self destruction drugs and alcohol can lead to, Ryan visits him (like, a lot). And then Gabe shows up.
Disclaimer: I really, really hope this never happened. Title belongs to TAI's 'Bulls in Brooklyn'.
Warnings: Addiction, withdrawal and everything that goes with it.
Author's Notes: This one got away from me a little. I wonder why... lol *clings to fic*
Dedication: saykendrawithme and mirrorscrack for putting up with me all the time.
Uno.Dos.Tres.Cuatro.Cinco.Seis.Siete.Ocho.Nueve.Diez. Once.Doce.Trece.Catorce.Quince.
Dieciséis.
Where are you?
Gabe stared, literally stared at his cell phone screen for about a minute. It wasn’t so much the words which shocked him as much as who had sent them. He couldn’t really make himself believe it, but there it was, Bilvy...
When Gabe had dropped that care package off at the rehab clinic, he purposefully hadn’t taken it up to Bill himself because he honestly hadn’t thought William would want to see him, and wasn’t even sure it was a good idea after everything and certainly if he still wasn’t feeling well. There was no way Gabe wanted to stress him out even more, make him feel worse, but he’d just wanted William to have the package so he could start feeling a little better maybe, and it was just the tiniest of steps Gabe needed to take to work his way up to maybe, maybe being able to see William again, though he didn’t know if that was going to happen for a number of days, weeks, if at all. So when he saw William’s name flash up on his cell, to say Gabe was a little surprised would have been a huge understatement.
Once he’d remembered to actually take a breath Gabe stared for another couple of seconds before hitting the ‘reply’ button after writing one word in response: Chicago.
What? came the reply.
That was a hand delivered package you know, Gabe sent back.
I noticed, he read in William’s response a minute or two later. Why didn’t you come up?
Gabe thought for a little while. There was no way he was going to write a lengthy text message to try and explain something like that. There was no way he could, so Gabe just exited the reply menu and opened up his contact list instead.
William rested the cell phone on his knees where they were bent up towards his chest under his comforter and fixed his eyes on the dark screen. All of a sudden he felt so exposed, just by asking that little question. By asking Gabe why he hadn’t come up William was worried it would seem like it was because he wanted Gabe to come up, when really he wasn’t sure what he wanted at all. Every time William thought he’d figured out what he wanted, didn’t want, could or couldn’t have, everything changed on him again. Then there was the fact that William didn’t want Gabe to feel bad for not coming up, or not wanting to, but then again - why the hell would Gabe come all the way to Chicago, follow William there, if not to see him? Really, despite the part where it was Gabe, and therefore things might not necessarily make sense, William couldn’t see Gabe flying to Chicago just to get him his scarf for that box. On the flip side though, after everything, being rejected by Gabe and the events which had followed, William wasn’t even sure he wanted to find out anymore. He was just still so tired, and so scared of getting hurt like that now, he had a really hard time seeing how it was even worth trying at all...
Oh. Oh shit. William sat up from the headboard a little and just looked at his phone, eyes wide, as the thing started ringing, the screen lighting up and showing a picture of them both Gabe had taken probably nearly a year ago with William’s cell. Gabe’s chin was resting on William’s shoulder, the Cobra singer leaning on him to get them both in the shot. He himself was laughing, probably at something ridiculous Gabe had just said. William then realised that, although they’d probably had a couple of drinks, this was before any of the hardcore drugs, before he lost himself in that scene, and he was happy, William noted, and it looked pretty effortless.
Everything just seemed so hard now.
Even answering the damn phone seemed hard just then. William felt sort of frozen as the phone just kept ringing. He let it ring, even though he knew he didn’t have long until it went through to voicemail. Text messages were one thing, but actually talking to Gabe was another. He’d have to think about what he was going to say only a second before saying it, he couldn’t put together a reply like in a text message or read it through before Gabe heard it. Honestly, William wasn’t quite sure that he wouldn’t come out with some of the things he’d been thinking about Gabe right after he’d left Gabe’s apartment and about how he’d made him feel and how that had almost made him... yeah, William was pretty sure nothing good would come out of that. Really though, William couldn’t not answer the call, so before he could do any more thinking he took the vibrating phone in his left hand and answered.
“Hello?” he said, wincing at how stupid that sounded when he knew it was Gabe calling.
“Hey, Bilvy. Bill, I mean. Uh... Hi,” Gabe voice came over the line hesitantly and it was at this point William realised Gabe was as nervous and unsure of the situation as he was. “How’re you feeling?”
“I’m okay. Just, you know, kinda tired and stuff after last night...” William’s last two words almost surprised him a little as he said them. Maybe it was the intensity of the last twenty four hours or so, or maybe just the fact William had taken multiple naps during that time, but he could hardly believe it had only been that long, about a day, since he’d seen Gabe.
In a way it almost felt longer than the time between his relapse and going to see Gabe in New York, because although William had thought about Gabe during those weeks, had written all those letters, he’d been focused on recovering; on getting better.
During the past twenty four hours, though, William’s mind had been filled, just filled with thoughts of Gabe: The friendship they’d had before all this which had been lost somehow, what they could have had which William had been so hopeful for but now looked almost impossible... the hurt, the hope, the want... even during William’s bouts of fitful sleep thoughts of Gabe penetrated his subconscious too. He’d dreamt of snakes only a few hours ago, and William was pretty sure who that lone figure was when he was stood on that stage in his dream back in New York. William didn’t really know what it meant though, not really.
In fact, after William had been so hurt, and had considered doing what he had because everything was just screaming in his head, William had wanted nothing more at that point than to forget everything, forget Gabe, forget the whole situation of maybes and could have beens. He’d been done. But part of him, it seemed, hadn’t wanted to be done, and it was that same part of him, small though it was, that was filling him with hope right then. Well, ‘filled’ perhaps wasn’t the right term, he thought on reconsideration, but despite the awkwardness of the phone call and the part where William was pretty much scared shitless for some reason, he still recognised the warm sense of hope rising from somewhere near his stomach, the feeling slowly spreading outwards to the rest of his body as he talked to Gabe.
When William had said the words ‘last night’ Gabe’s mind automatically flashed back to when William was in his apartment, fast forwarding through the happiness at seeing him there, spending the evening with Bill, then... then the kiss, the way Gabe had explained, just explained so rationally why he couldn’t be with William in that way, as if things like that could be explained at all, Gabe thought angrily, the hurt on Bill’s face still so clear in his memory. Gabe didn’t think he’d ever forget it really. Looking back on it, Gabe found it hard to understand how he could possibly have been that rational when he knew, he’d learnt himself, that life wasn’t fucking rational. Plus, Pete had totally been right when he said Gabe was a stupid motherfucker if he couldn’t see what was right in front of him and know William had changed.
Just like a few minutes ago, this stuff was just too complicated to talk about on the phone. Gabe wanted to say lots of things to William just then - was almost desperate to - not the least of which was going to be an apology, but Gabe couldn’t, refused to say them without actually being face to face with William. It just wasn’t right otherwise.
“Well - well I guess you should be getting some more sleep then,” Gabe forced himself to snap out of his thoughts and just talk, no matter how awkward the conversation was or how hard it was for Gabe to say any words just then which weren’t ‘I’m sorry’.
“Yeah, I guess,” William answered, frowning a little as he realised how much the conversation sounded like it was coming to an end, and how much he didn’t want it to, not yet. “Thanks for the package, Gabe. It’s great,” he tried to inject some positivity into his voice because he really was grateful for Gabe doing that, and if this was the last time he spoke to Gabe in a long while, then William wanted him to know it.
“Good. That’s... that’s good,” Gabe’s hand gripped his cell phone a little bit tighter as wondered if Bill was going to say anything, because he couldn’t push the situation, and wouldn’t push himself on William, so he needed the go ahead, he needed permission. “So, um, I hope you get better, you know, soon,” Gabe was almost holding his breath now, counting his own heartbeats as he waited for Bill to say goodbye and hang up, or -
“You’re not -” William felt like slapping himself when he recognised the tone in Gabe’s voice and actually thought about it for a second. “You’re not going to come and see me?” he asked quietly, feeling horribly exposed but amazingly not awkward for the first time since he’d answered his phone.
“Well, you’ve got that snuggle bud now,” Gabe said, and William could hear the grin in his voice, knew that Gabe had just relaxed a little like he had. “I’d think I might be surplus to requirements.”
“It’s pretty good with the snuggling, that is true,” William replied, a small smile creeping onto his own lips even as nervousness threatened to rise up in his once more, “but it can’t talk, you know? And I was thinking we should... talk,” he bit his lip, waiting for Gabe to speak.
“Yeah, me too,” Gabe sighed inwardly with relief, so glad that Bill hadn’t just shut him out and he was going to get his chance to say all those things and actually apologise to William like he needed to.
“Uh, how about - I mean, is tomorrow good for you?” William asked, it only dawning on him just after that Gabe probably didn’t have any other reason to be in Chicago except to see him. “I’ve not really got anything happening tomorrow, just Group pretty early in the morning and that’s it,” he told Gabe after quickly thinking about it.
“So... afternoon, then?” Gabe said whilst part of him wondered when he and Bill had gotten so damn formal.
“Yeah, yeah that’s good,” William fidgeted with the edge of the comforter, suddenly hoping to all hell that it wasn’t like this when they saw each other the following day. “I’ll see you then, I guess.”
“See you,” Gabe listened to William’s quiet ‘bye, Gabe’ before flipping his phone shut and letting out a huge sigh. He and Bill hadn’t always been as close as they were right before William had slipped deep into the drugs scene, but things had never been like this between them before; it’d never been hard. Gabe found himself wondering for about five seconds whether this was all worth it, then he remembered Pete’s words from - what was it, the early hours of that morning? And Gabe stopped wondering. He knew.
William spent a few seconds staring at the screen of his cell phone even after it went blank again before putting it on the little table near his bed. He just sat for a few minutes, thinking about Gabe and what exactly they were going to talk about (if, that is, William found the courage to actually talk about what they needed to, about the whole... thing that had somehow gotten so complicated between them) whilst he steadily sipped his way through one of the bottles of water on the floor next to his bed.
The last thought which registered in William’s head as he curled up once more under the covers, the fingers of one hand loosely clutching the purple material of the snuggle bud’s hoodie, was something William had thought so many times during his time in rehab it wasn’t even funny: Whether it was getting clean and staying that way, a music career, or a relationship, nothing really worth having was ever easy, and some things were definitely worth the work. William just hoped Gabe thought so too.
Despite not really feeling quite up to it yet, William had dragged himself to the group session that morning, knowing that he didn’t have too many of them left and, anyway, it wasn’t just about going to them yourself, it was about going so you can be there for other people as the group. Even if William didn’t say much himself he could still listen to the others and meet anyone new who was there. They seemed to get at least one new person every week and William could remember his first session, and how nervous he was, so he made a point to introduce himself to anyone new and let them know he was around if they needed to talk or anything.
As it happened there was a new guy, and just like William had been weeks ago, he was freaking out about how fast the withdrawal symptoms had set in; the way his head hurt, the rest of him ached, he could hardly breathe and he couldn’t stop his hands from shaking. William remembered it all, so clearly still, but he also remembered how they went away, eventually. Sleep helped, he remembered, even if it only helped you forget for a little while, and that’s what he told the new guy as he left him in his own room, telling him one last time to come knock on his door if he needed anything.
William was caught up in memories then, wondering if he’d have even survived that first week if it hadn’t been for the support he’d had, even if he let them down after that. After his relapse his whole attitude had changed somehow. Whether it was the look on Gabe’s face or what he’d done with Ryan afterwards which was an act of desperation, William didn’t know. Maybe he just knew, after that ‘one last time’, that he didn’t want to live like that anymore, he wanted to be himself and he wanted to feel. William knew that now.
Rounding the corner which led right to his room, William stopped short a few steps from his door when he saw who was sitting on the floor in front of it, thumbs moving slowly across sidekick buttons as if he was just killing time - which he probably was, William realised. Why else would Brendon be there if not to see him?
Without saying anything yet, William walked up to him and was already sitting down against the other half of his door just as Brendon noticed he was there, looking up and giving William a smile in greeting.
“Hey,” Brendon said, shoving his sidekick into his jacket pocket.
“Hi,” William replied, more than slightly curious about why Brendon was there and whether he was gonna get hit for using Ryan for sex, until he realised that it was Brendon, so violence was unlikely. William wouldn’t really have blamed him, though, even if they hadn’t been together at the time Brendon had always been fiercely protective of Ryan. “So, uh...”
“Ryan’s downstairs,” Brendon spoke into the following silence as if he was reading William’s mind, “talking to that guy. Owen?” he questioned, and William nodded. “Yeah, so I thought I’d come talk to you first.”
“Look, Bren, I’m sorry about Ryan and everything... I was just all messed up that day and it was -”
“Hey. Whoa, Bill,” Brendon put a hand on William’s knee in the hope of calming him back down. “That’s not...” he shook his head, laughing a little. “I wanted to thank you, man.”
“Thank me for what?” William asked, confused.
“When Ryan came back that day he was quiet, even quieter than usual for a couple of weeks,” Brendon began. “Then after one of our writing sessions he just pushed me up against the piano and kissed me,” he said as if he could barely still believe it himself. Well, he still couldn’t really, even after a few weeks.
“I shouldn’t think you minded too much,” William nudged Brendon with his shoulder, just the hint of a smirk tugging at his lips.
“Strangely enough, no,” Brendon laughed, nudging William back. “When I asked, why, you know, he told me about you two and everything and said that it made him realise that he really wanted that kind of closeness with somebody.”
“A pretty specific somebody,” William smiled. Everyone at the label had been watching those two dance around each other since they signed and William was just really happy for them. It gave him hope that sometimes, at least sometimes things did work out.
“I guess,” Brendon fidgeted with the cuff of his jacket, still unable to keep the almost shy smile from his face. “But if it wasn’t for you I don’t know if it would have happened, so... yeah, thanks.”
“I’m just glad something good has come out of this mess,” William half shrugged, his mind preoccupied slightly, as it usually was, by all the negative effects of his drug use on the band, his friends, all of their futures...
“It’s not a ‘mess’, Bill,” Brendon sighed. “It’s just life, you know? Shit happens, and you might get fucked up for a while, or even a really long time but, see, you just gotta keep pushing through until you suddenly realise that things are gonna be okay again, or they already are without you noticing. It’s just - You’re doing so well, Bill, recovering and everything. Do you know how many people wouldn’t even try? You’ve found the strength to try and change, and I think that’s pretty amazing to be honest, and... now I’m rambling. Okay. You really should have stopped me back there,” Brendon laughed.
“I wanted to hear,” William smiled. “Thanks, Bren. And thanks for being so cool about Ryan and everything.”
“Well, it’s not as though you’re much competition,” Brendon shrugged, but he had a playful grin on his face. “And I know.”
“What, Urie?” William feigned outrage.
“Dude, you totally kissed me when you were high one time,” Brendon raised an eyebrow. “Wow, you don’t remember.”
“Not so much, no,” William shook his head, grimacing. “We didn’t... I mean, I didn’t try and -”
“No. No, that was it before you went to snuggle with Travie and Gabe on the sofa,” Brendon assured him. “But at least I know you won’t be stealing my Ryro away with your macking skills,” he teased.
“You know, I hardly think that’s an accurate representation of my -”
“What’s this about stealing your Ryro with skills?”
Both Brendon and William looked at to see Ryan stood in front of them, one hand on a jutted hip as he glared at Brendon, who made a sort of ‘meep’ sound.
“Uh... There was some kind of epic Guitar Hero tournament going on down there when we came in. I think I’m gonna go try and get in on that,” Brendon scrambled up from the floor, giving William one more smile and avoiding eye contact with Ryan who just laughed as Brendon walked away, glancing nervously over his shoulder.
William got up too, grin spreading across his face as he and Ryan just looked at each other for a little while before Ryan stepped toward him and William pulled him into a tight hug.
“Come on,” William said on breaking contact, nodding towards the door as he opened it and letting Ryan walk in before following him inside. They sat on the bed, just as they had done weeks ago now, and in a way it felt exactly the same but it also felt really, really different. Then again, William had changed since he’d last seen Ryan, so he figured it only made sense things would feel a little different.
He was happy to see Ryan, of course he was, but it was definitely different to the kind of happy seeing Ryan had made him feel before. Weeks ago William had been desperate, had clung to Ryan for support when he had to try so hard just to feel okay. Now, William felt stronger in himself. Not that he didn’t rely on other people anymore, but he was able to cope with shit on his own more; he didn’t feel like he was going to fall apart if people didn’t like him, or his music, which was something he and Owen had figured out together as one of the main reasons William had fallen so deeply into addiction.
“You look good,” Ryan smiled, looking William up and down. He was skinny as usual (not that Ryan could talk, he knew) but he didn’t look thin almost to the point of frail like he had when Ryan had first seen him in the clinic. His skin, and eyes, all over really, William looked better. He just looked like William, Ryan realised; more like the William he’d met when he first joined the label.
“Thanks,” William laughed, a little shy but knowing it was the truth in comparison to how he’d looked before. “You too,” he added truthfully, because although Ryan hadn’t changed physically, he just looked more relaxed, happier maybe, or perhaps just content, William thought. “So, what brings you here, Ry?” he asked, even though he’d already guessed the answer.
“Pete told me about New York,” Ryan admitted, “and I had to see if you were okay. I know you didn’t want to see me for a while, but -”
“It wasn’t about not wanting to see you,” William cut in. “It was about needing to figure out how to do this on my own, okay?”
“I know that, Bill,” Ryan nodded. “I just... wasn’t sure if you’d want me here, even now.”
“Yeah, well, then you’re stupider than you look,” William laughed as Ryan poked him hard in the thigh. “It’s been hard alone,” he said quietly, laughter fading from his face and leaving only a slightly sad, but almost proud smile, “but it’s been... well, ‘good’ doesn’t really seem like the right word but it kind of has been, really. Good,” William repeated, still finding it somewhat hard to think of the whole experience, or any part of it, that way. Before he’d just seen rehab as something to get through, survive almost, just cope with until it was over. Now, though, looking back on the time, William was able to appreciate how much he’d learnt about himself along the way, the strength he’d gained and the ways he’d changed already which would hopefully only get stronger as more time went on. Of course, there was always the chance he would slip back into old habits, go back to who he was before, but William couldn’t, fucking refused to think like that. He had to look forward now.
“I heard,” Ryan nodded, smiling. “Owen told me how well you’re doing now,” he paused, thinking for a second. “Would it be weird if I said I was... proud of you?” Ryan asked hesitantly. He didn’t want to make the conversation suddenly awkward somehow, but the truth was he did feel proud of Bill, just like he’d be proud of any of his friends having the strength and courage to fight their demons and come out the other side better than ever.
“Not really,” William shook his head, mirroring Ryan’s smile. “I mean, you were here in the beginning, Ry, helping me, watching me try and change.”
“Not ‘try’,” Ryan contradicted, his voice clearly tinged with that pride as he looked right into William’s eyes, smiling a little wider. “In some ways, Bill - good ways - you have changed.”
And it was a testament to those good changes that William didn’t have to work hard to make himself acknowledge that. He just felt it, and knew, and for one of the first times in a long time, that was enough.
Some things about William hadn’t changed, and probably never would. One of those things was the way William would bite and pick at his nails when he was nervous, or fidget with his hair just to give his hands something to do, just trying to keep his mind off of whatever was coming. In this case, though, it wasn’t so much about what was coming, as who.
Since Ryan had left William had been pretty much completely preoccupied with the fact that Gabe could arrive any minute, really, seeing as it was afternoon but neither of them had bothered to specify a time that Gabe would arrive. William wished he had done because whereas he would usually kill some time during the days by writing, maybe playing around with music, trying out some stuff on his acoustic guitar, he couldn’t do any of that just then because such things required at least some focus, and William really didn’t have any to spare.
The most irritating thing to William was that despite not being able to get his mind off Gabe and his imminent arrival, he still couldn’t figure out what the hell he was actually going to say when he did get there. William was just so confused it seemed to hurt his brain trying to separate out the way his emotions and thoughts and memories all jumbled together until the lines blurred.
Part of him, still, wanted so badly to just... try, to just try and have something, that sort of relationship with Gabe. Then the other, possibly larger part of him wanted nothing more than to tell Gabe that sure, okay, they could maybe be friends, but anything else was just too much, William couldn’t get hurt again like that... He was scared, scared of trying to have something and losing it again, scared that he couldn’t handle that and might relapse, scared of his own weaknesses and that he just might not be enough for Gabe.
William hated himself for thinking it but it rose in his mind before he could stop himself: Fuck, things were so much easier when he didn’t have to feel anything. Sometimes, including times like this when he was nervous as hell, William really missed being numb, only having to worry about how to get to the next high and knowing it would be as simple as taking a pill or snorting a line. But then he reminded himself of how great it felt to actually feel it when he’d hugged Sisky or when Pete gave him one of those grins, and William knew that as hard and fucked up life could get, it was worth the effort to get to the good times.
And maybe, William thought, it would be worth the effort to have something with Gabe. He honestly still didn’t know, but the knock on his door signalled that it was time to find out.
“Oh shit,” William whispered under his breath before taking in a shaky lungful of air and calling out at a volume whoever it was (though he knew who it was) would hear. “Come in.”
“Hi,” Gabe walked almost cautiously into William’s room, shutting the door behind him.
“Hey,” William stood up, automatically about to hug Gabe before he stopped himself without quite knowing why. Considering the way his stomach was twisting almost painfully, though, if he had to guess William would have gone with fear being the reason. After all, he’d kissed Gabe without warning him or anything and look how that had turned out, he told himself silently. “How are you?” he asked, speaking again before Gabe had a chance. “I mean, I know I only saw you like... two days ago, but it kind of feels like longer. I don’t know why it does, but it does to me. That’s stupid, though, I mean - two days is two days, right? It’s not -”
“It’s long enough,” Gabe interrupted quietly, gently breaking Bill out of what was about to become a genuine babbling run. “Long enough to go without saying this,” Gabe sighed. “I’m sorry, Bill. I was an ass to you, a stupid motherfucker for saying those things to you, especially because you’re still recovering but also because... because you’re you and I should have known that, I should have trusted that,” Gabe paused, looking at the younger man just standing there, facing him, their eyes locked.
William didn’t say anything, not yet. This was the part where he’d say something along the lines of ‘It’s okay’ and offer forgiveness, but he didn’t because it still wasn’t quite okay and William just wasn’t there yet. Instead he just sat down on the bed, gesturing for Gabe to join him. For a minute William’s mind was taken up with thinking about how long he’d spent on this bed, in this room... he’d been to hell and back and he suddenly realised he couldn’t wait to get out and do... something. He almost didn’t care what came next, William just wanted to start living again, whatever that meant. He’d figure it out.
“Was it true, though?” William asked, couldn’t keep himself from asking. “Do you think you can trust me again? I’m not saying like, right now or anything, but sometime in the future... d’you think you can get there?”
“Might not be easy,” Gabe said, because it seemed like they were doing this thing properly now; stripped bare and painfully honest. “But I’d really like to try,” he gave William a little smile, “and sitting on the floor of the hallway outside your hotel room, someone told me that some things are really worth a little work. And a little faith,” Gabe added on second thought as William finally returned the smile, just a little, but enough.
“Pete,” William said simply, nodding.
“Yeah,” Gabe echoed the movement, “he knocked some sense into me,” Gabe smirked reaching up to rub his jaw.
“Oh,” William’s eyes widened in understanding. “Shit, Gabe, that was -”
“Nothing more than I deserved,” Gabe assured him. “And it was nothing compared to how I felt when I realised just how much I’d hurt you,” he went on, suddenly serious as guilt washed over him, easily affecting his voice and reflecting in his eyes as he looked at William. “And I was just so scared,” Gabe’s words dropped in volume as he admitted what he hated to acknowledge, even to himself.
“I’m sorry I ran, Gabe, I just -”
”Not then,” Gabe cut him off, shaking his head. “When you said you wanted to be with me,” he swallowed hard, forcing himself to continue because they were doing this now, and if he couldn’t tell the truth now he never would, “I said all those things because they were partly true, but only because I’m... I’m scared of getting hurt,” Gabe confessed, fighting the urge to turn away even though William was only looking at him with patience and quiet understanding, “and because I know that if I let myself fall for you, and it didn’t work out or I had to watch you relapse badly...” Gabe winced inwardly as Bill flinched slightly at that last part. “I know I’d hit the ground so hard I might never get up again,” Gabe finished finally, letting out a sigh of relief as he began to feel lighter, somehow.
William only had to think for a minute, biting on his bottom lip as he looked back at Gabe, before the words came to him.
“I’m scared, too,” he told Gabe. “I’m scared I won’t be enough for you, I’m scared of feeling ‘cause I got so used to not feeling, I’m scared I won’t be able to cut it onstage anymore even if the band’s okay after this but most of all I’m fucking terrified of hurting you,” William whispered that last part but it was true. “I hate it, but there’s a chance I could fall back into how I was before I came here. I don’t want to - I mean, fuck, I’d do just about anything not to, but there’s always a chance I won’t be strong enough,” he admitted sadly. William had learnt from Owen that relapse rates can vary from fifty percent to as high as ninety percent, but William had already decided that wasn’t going to be him. However, deciding was one thing, putting it into practice in the real world was another entirely.
“Looking at you now, Bill, you’re one of the strongest people I’ve ever met,” Gabe said firmly. “And what if, you know... maybe someone gave you something to hold onto?”
William laughed at that, rolling his eyes at Gabe.
“Okay, okay, but you know what I mean, right?” Gabe went on. “I mean, we could... we could be strong together, maybe. Help each other when things get scary,” Gabe watched William, waiting for his reaction.
“I don’t know, Gabe,” William sighed, wishing for the hundredth time that this just wasn’t so hard. “It’s soon, you know? It’s pretty... fast, I guess, and I don’t know if that’s a good idea.”
“Doesn’t have to be fast,” Gabe shrugged. Now he’d started this thing he wanted to hold onto the possibility as long as he could. He wasn’t just going to let it end, not without putting just a little more effort in. “We can just be buddies, you know? Like always. Just hang out until... until we’re ready, I guess. It doesn’t have to be one big change,” Gabe shifted a little closer to William on the bed. “It’s all about steps, right?” Gabe questioned and William nodded. “Step one,” Gabe said, reaching across and lacing his fingers through Bill’s where his hand was resting on one skinny thigh. It was the first time they’d touched since William had kissed Gabe but this small act of intimacy somehow felt so much more right than that had. “William Beckett, I like you,” he took the leap, holding his breath until Bill smiled, suddenly looking so much more relaxed.
“Gabe Saporta, I like you too,” he replied, slipping his hand from Gabe’s so he could turn it over and entwine their fingers properly. They stayed silent for a minute, both of them just feeling the moment until Gabe spoke into the quiet.
“How’re you doing now?” Gabe said softly in William’s ear, a slight tingle working its way down his spine as Gabe’s breath hit his skin.
“Good,” William nodded, leaning across to speak in Gabe’s ear as if he was telling him a secret. “You know, I’m not so scared anymore.”
“Me neither,” Gabe grinned at William when the other male pulled back again to look at Gabe, a question he’d been wondering about for a while now suddenly rising in his mind again. “So, uh, do you know when you’re getting out of this place?”
“I -” William paused, slightly surprised by Gabe’s question. “Actually, yeah,” he nodded. He and Owen had talked about it and now William was physically clean and had already made a lot of progress in his sessions and everything, Owen had suggested William could move back home to Chicago and come back for sessions with him once a week for a while, see how that went. “It might only be a week or so until I leave here,” William told Gabe. He still almost couldn’t believe it himself.
“Wow, that’s... that’s great, Bilvy,” Gabe called William by that nickname without thinking and was opening his mouth to correct himself when Bill just squeezed his fingers, shaking his head slowly.
“Bilvy’s good,” he said quietly, smiling contentedly.
“You know what’d also be good?” Gabe began as the idea came to him. “In a few weeks or something, if you wanted to, The Academy Is... should play a show. Just something small, you know?” Gabe suggested tentatively, frowning as worry straight away showed on William’s features. “You guys could play Angels and Kings or something; we could invite all our friends...” Gabe trailed off as William’s gaze dropped to his lap, the fingers of his free hand fidgeting with the seam of his jeans.
“I can’t,” William’s voice was so quiet Gabe could barely hear it. “I don’t even know if I can perform anymore. It’s just me now, I won’t have any drugs to give me false confidence or give my performance that spark and... I don’t know if I can do that anymore.”
“Bill...” the sadness and sense of just giving up broke Gabe’s heart a little. “Look,” Gabe reached up with his free hand and hooked his thumb under William’s chin, making him meet his eyes again. “When I left you here the last time, remember what I said to you?” Gabe waited and William nodded. “I told you that you needed to get back to who you were, because you were an amazing performer and you could get back to that. Well, I was wrong.”
“That’s what I’m saying, I don’t know if I can -”
“Not finished yet,” Gabe interrupted, but his tone was soft and just... affectionate. “You don’t need to get back to that because you have changed, Bill, you’ve come through this stronger than ever and you need to look forward, not back. I wouldn’t have thought it possible but somehow you’re an even better Beckett than you ever were, and that’s going to show in your performance if you just let it,” Gabe finished firmly, allowing William a few moments of silence, then, to take in what Gabe had said.
“Maybe,” William answered quietly, a smile tugging at his lips despite the feelings of self doubt because if nothing else, Gabe believed in him. And that was something, that was enough, for now at least. “We’ll see.”
“Yeah,” Gabe nodded, and only hesitating for a moment he leaned over and pressed his lips to William’s temple for a few seconds. “We’ll see.”
That night, William slept just as he had the previous one, curled up on his side with his fingers closed loosely around the material of the snuggle bud’s purple hoodie. The material of William’s t shirt was held in a similar way by Gabe’s fingers, the older male’s arm lying protectively over his lean body as Gabe laid on his side right behind Bill, face turned slightly into the nape of his neck as they slept.
One more small act of intimacy and just like the first, it felt right.
***A/N: Thanks for sticking with this, people. I know I suck at updating so anyone still reading means a lot to me <3
Author: minus_four
Rating: PG-13 (language, content)
Pairing: William Beckett/Ryan Ross and William Beckett/Gabe Saporta
POV: Third
Summary: William's fighting his demons in rehab. All too familiar with the path of self destruction drugs and alcohol can lead to, Ryan visits him (like, a lot). And then Gabe shows up.
Disclaimer: I really, really hope this never happened. Title belongs to TAI's 'Bulls in Brooklyn'.
Warnings: Addiction, withdrawal and everything that goes with it.
Author's Notes: This one got away from me a little. I wonder why... lol *clings to fic*
Dedication: saykendrawithme and mirrorscrack for putting up with me all the time.
Uno.Dos.Tres.Cuatro.Cinco.Seis.Siete.Ocho.Nueve.Diez. Once.Doce.Trece.Catorce.Quince.
Dieciséis.
Where are you?
Gabe stared, literally stared at his cell phone screen for about a minute. It wasn’t so much the words which shocked him as much as who had sent them. He couldn’t really make himself believe it, but there it was, Bilvy...
When Gabe had dropped that care package off at the rehab clinic, he purposefully hadn’t taken it up to Bill himself because he honestly hadn’t thought William would want to see him, and wasn’t even sure it was a good idea after everything and certainly if he still wasn’t feeling well. There was no way Gabe wanted to stress him out even more, make him feel worse, but he’d just wanted William to have the package so he could start feeling a little better maybe, and it was just the tiniest of steps Gabe needed to take to work his way up to maybe, maybe being able to see William again, though he didn’t know if that was going to happen for a number of days, weeks, if at all. So when he saw William’s name flash up on his cell, to say Gabe was a little surprised would have been a huge understatement.
Once he’d remembered to actually take a breath Gabe stared for another couple of seconds before hitting the ‘reply’ button after writing one word in response: Chicago.
What? came the reply.
That was a hand delivered package you know, Gabe sent back.
I noticed, he read in William’s response a minute or two later. Why didn’t you come up?
Gabe thought for a little while. There was no way he was going to write a lengthy text message to try and explain something like that. There was no way he could, so Gabe just exited the reply menu and opened up his contact list instead.
William rested the cell phone on his knees where they were bent up towards his chest under his comforter and fixed his eyes on the dark screen. All of a sudden he felt so exposed, just by asking that little question. By asking Gabe why he hadn’t come up William was worried it would seem like it was because he wanted Gabe to come up, when really he wasn’t sure what he wanted at all. Every time William thought he’d figured out what he wanted, didn’t want, could or couldn’t have, everything changed on him again. Then there was the fact that William didn’t want Gabe to feel bad for not coming up, or not wanting to, but then again - why the hell would Gabe come all the way to Chicago, follow William there, if not to see him? Really, despite the part where it was Gabe, and therefore things might not necessarily make sense, William couldn’t see Gabe flying to Chicago just to get him his scarf for that box. On the flip side though, after everything, being rejected by Gabe and the events which had followed, William wasn’t even sure he wanted to find out anymore. He was just still so tired, and so scared of getting hurt like that now, he had a really hard time seeing how it was even worth trying at all...
Oh. Oh shit. William sat up from the headboard a little and just looked at his phone, eyes wide, as the thing started ringing, the screen lighting up and showing a picture of them both Gabe had taken probably nearly a year ago with William’s cell. Gabe’s chin was resting on William’s shoulder, the Cobra singer leaning on him to get them both in the shot. He himself was laughing, probably at something ridiculous Gabe had just said. William then realised that, although they’d probably had a couple of drinks, this was before any of the hardcore drugs, before he lost himself in that scene, and he was happy, William noted, and it looked pretty effortless.
Everything just seemed so hard now.
Even answering the damn phone seemed hard just then. William felt sort of frozen as the phone just kept ringing. He let it ring, even though he knew he didn’t have long until it went through to voicemail. Text messages were one thing, but actually talking to Gabe was another. He’d have to think about what he was going to say only a second before saying it, he couldn’t put together a reply like in a text message or read it through before Gabe heard it. Honestly, William wasn’t quite sure that he wouldn’t come out with some of the things he’d been thinking about Gabe right after he’d left Gabe’s apartment and about how he’d made him feel and how that had almost made him... yeah, William was pretty sure nothing good would come out of that. Really though, William couldn’t not answer the call, so before he could do any more thinking he took the vibrating phone in his left hand and answered.
“Hello?” he said, wincing at how stupid that sounded when he knew it was Gabe calling.
“Hey, Bilvy. Bill, I mean. Uh... Hi,” Gabe voice came over the line hesitantly and it was at this point William realised Gabe was as nervous and unsure of the situation as he was. “How’re you feeling?”
“I’m okay. Just, you know, kinda tired and stuff after last night...” William’s last two words almost surprised him a little as he said them. Maybe it was the intensity of the last twenty four hours or so, or maybe just the fact William had taken multiple naps during that time, but he could hardly believe it had only been that long, about a day, since he’d seen Gabe.
In a way it almost felt longer than the time between his relapse and going to see Gabe in New York, because although William had thought about Gabe during those weeks, had written all those letters, he’d been focused on recovering; on getting better.
During the past twenty four hours, though, William’s mind had been filled, just filled with thoughts of Gabe: The friendship they’d had before all this which had been lost somehow, what they could have had which William had been so hopeful for but now looked almost impossible... the hurt, the hope, the want... even during William’s bouts of fitful sleep thoughts of Gabe penetrated his subconscious too. He’d dreamt of snakes only a few hours ago, and William was pretty sure who that lone figure was when he was stood on that stage in his dream back in New York. William didn’t really know what it meant though, not really.
In fact, after William had been so hurt, and had considered doing what he had because everything was just screaming in his head, William had wanted nothing more at that point than to forget everything, forget Gabe, forget the whole situation of maybes and could have beens. He’d been done. But part of him, it seemed, hadn’t wanted to be done, and it was that same part of him, small though it was, that was filling him with hope right then. Well, ‘filled’ perhaps wasn’t the right term, he thought on reconsideration, but despite the awkwardness of the phone call and the part where William was pretty much scared shitless for some reason, he still recognised the warm sense of hope rising from somewhere near his stomach, the feeling slowly spreading outwards to the rest of his body as he talked to Gabe.
When William had said the words ‘last night’ Gabe’s mind automatically flashed back to when William was in his apartment, fast forwarding through the happiness at seeing him there, spending the evening with Bill, then... then the kiss, the way Gabe had explained, just explained so rationally why he couldn’t be with William in that way, as if things like that could be explained at all, Gabe thought angrily, the hurt on Bill’s face still so clear in his memory. Gabe didn’t think he’d ever forget it really. Looking back on it, Gabe found it hard to understand how he could possibly have been that rational when he knew, he’d learnt himself, that life wasn’t fucking rational. Plus, Pete had totally been right when he said Gabe was a stupid motherfucker if he couldn’t see what was right in front of him and know William had changed.
Just like a few minutes ago, this stuff was just too complicated to talk about on the phone. Gabe wanted to say lots of things to William just then - was almost desperate to - not the least of which was going to be an apology, but Gabe couldn’t, refused to say them without actually being face to face with William. It just wasn’t right otherwise.
“Well - well I guess you should be getting some more sleep then,” Gabe forced himself to snap out of his thoughts and just talk, no matter how awkward the conversation was or how hard it was for Gabe to say any words just then which weren’t ‘I’m sorry’.
“Yeah, I guess,” William answered, frowning a little as he realised how much the conversation sounded like it was coming to an end, and how much he didn’t want it to, not yet. “Thanks for the package, Gabe. It’s great,” he tried to inject some positivity into his voice because he really was grateful for Gabe doing that, and if this was the last time he spoke to Gabe in a long while, then William wanted him to know it.
“Good. That’s... that’s good,” Gabe’s hand gripped his cell phone a little bit tighter as wondered if Bill was going to say anything, because he couldn’t push the situation, and wouldn’t push himself on William, so he needed the go ahead, he needed permission. “So, um, I hope you get better, you know, soon,” Gabe was almost holding his breath now, counting his own heartbeats as he waited for Bill to say goodbye and hang up, or -
“You’re not -” William felt like slapping himself when he recognised the tone in Gabe’s voice and actually thought about it for a second. “You’re not going to come and see me?” he asked quietly, feeling horribly exposed but amazingly not awkward for the first time since he’d answered his phone.
“Well, you’ve got that snuggle bud now,” Gabe said, and William could hear the grin in his voice, knew that Gabe had just relaxed a little like he had. “I’d think I might be surplus to requirements.”
“It’s pretty good with the snuggling, that is true,” William replied, a small smile creeping onto his own lips even as nervousness threatened to rise up in his once more, “but it can’t talk, you know? And I was thinking we should... talk,” he bit his lip, waiting for Gabe to speak.
“Yeah, me too,” Gabe sighed inwardly with relief, so glad that Bill hadn’t just shut him out and he was going to get his chance to say all those things and actually apologise to William like he needed to.
“Uh, how about - I mean, is tomorrow good for you?” William asked, it only dawning on him just after that Gabe probably didn’t have any other reason to be in Chicago except to see him. “I’ve not really got anything happening tomorrow, just Group pretty early in the morning and that’s it,” he told Gabe after quickly thinking about it.
“So... afternoon, then?” Gabe said whilst part of him wondered when he and Bill had gotten so damn formal.
“Yeah, yeah that’s good,” William fidgeted with the edge of the comforter, suddenly hoping to all hell that it wasn’t like this when they saw each other the following day. “I’ll see you then, I guess.”
“See you,” Gabe listened to William’s quiet ‘bye, Gabe’ before flipping his phone shut and letting out a huge sigh. He and Bill hadn’t always been as close as they were right before William had slipped deep into the drugs scene, but things had never been like this between them before; it’d never been hard. Gabe found himself wondering for about five seconds whether this was all worth it, then he remembered Pete’s words from - what was it, the early hours of that morning? And Gabe stopped wondering. He knew.
William spent a few seconds staring at the screen of his cell phone even after it went blank again before putting it on the little table near his bed. He just sat for a few minutes, thinking about Gabe and what exactly they were going to talk about (if, that is, William found the courage to actually talk about what they needed to, about the whole... thing that had somehow gotten so complicated between them) whilst he steadily sipped his way through one of the bottles of water on the floor next to his bed.
The last thought which registered in William’s head as he curled up once more under the covers, the fingers of one hand loosely clutching the purple material of the snuggle bud’s hoodie, was something William had thought so many times during his time in rehab it wasn’t even funny: Whether it was getting clean and staying that way, a music career, or a relationship, nothing really worth having was ever easy, and some things were definitely worth the work. William just hoped Gabe thought so too.
Despite not really feeling quite up to it yet, William had dragged himself to the group session that morning, knowing that he didn’t have too many of them left and, anyway, it wasn’t just about going to them yourself, it was about going so you can be there for other people as the group. Even if William didn’t say much himself he could still listen to the others and meet anyone new who was there. They seemed to get at least one new person every week and William could remember his first session, and how nervous he was, so he made a point to introduce himself to anyone new and let them know he was around if they needed to talk or anything.
As it happened there was a new guy, and just like William had been weeks ago, he was freaking out about how fast the withdrawal symptoms had set in; the way his head hurt, the rest of him ached, he could hardly breathe and he couldn’t stop his hands from shaking. William remembered it all, so clearly still, but he also remembered how they went away, eventually. Sleep helped, he remembered, even if it only helped you forget for a little while, and that’s what he told the new guy as he left him in his own room, telling him one last time to come knock on his door if he needed anything.
William was caught up in memories then, wondering if he’d have even survived that first week if it hadn’t been for the support he’d had, even if he let them down after that. After his relapse his whole attitude had changed somehow. Whether it was the look on Gabe’s face or what he’d done with Ryan afterwards which was an act of desperation, William didn’t know. Maybe he just knew, after that ‘one last time’, that he didn’t want to live like that anymore, he wanted to be himself and he wanted to feel. William knew that now.
Rounding the corner which led right to his room, William stopped short a few steps from his door when he saw who was sitting on the floor in front of it, thumbs moving slowly across sidekick buttons as if he was just killing time - which he probably was, William realised. Why else would Brendon be there if not to see him?
Without saying anything yet, William walked up to him and was already sitting down against the other half of his door just as Brendon noticed he was there, looking up and giving William a smile in greeting.
“Hey,” Brendon said, shoving his sidekick into his jacket pocket.
“Hi,” William replied, more than slightly curious about why Brendon was there and whether he was gonna get hit for using Ryan for sex, until he realised that it was Brendon, so violence was unlikely. William wouldn’t really have blamed him, though, even if they hadn’t been together at the time Brendon had always been fiercely protective of Ryan. “So, uh...”
“Ryan’s downstairs,” Brendon spoke into the following silence as if he was reading William’s mind, “talking to that guy. Owen?” he questioned, and William nodded. “Yeah, so I thought I’d come talk to you first.”
“Look, Bren, I’m sorry about Ryan and everything... I was just all messed up that day and it was -”
“Hey. Whoa, Bill,” Brendon put a hand on William’s knee in the hope of calming him back down. “That’s not...” he shook his head, laughing a little. “I wanted to thank you, man.”
“Thank me for what?” William asked, confused.
“When Ryan came back that day he was quiet, even quieter than usual for a couple of weeks,” Brendon began. “Then after one of our writing sessions he just pushed me up against the piano and kissed me,” he said as if he could barely still believe it himself. Well, he still couldn’t really, even after a few weeks.
“I shouldn’t think you minded too much,” William nudged Brendon with his shoulder, just the hint of a smirk tugging at his lips.
“Strangely enough, no,” Brendon laughed, nudging William back. “When I asked, why, you know, he told me about you two and everything and said that it made him realise that he really wanted that kind of closeness with somebody.”
“A pretty specific somebody,” William smiled. Everyone at the label had been watching those two dance around each other since they signed and William was just really happy for them. It gave him hope that sometimes, at least sometimes things did work out.
“I guess,” Brendon fidgeted with the cuff of his jacket, still unable to keep the almost shy smile from his face. “But if it wasn’t for you I don’t know if it would have happened, so... yeah, thanks.”
“I’m just glad something good has come out of this mess,” William half shrugged, his mind preoccupied slightly, as it usually was, by all the negative effects of his drug use on the band, his friends, all of their futures...
“It’s not a ‘mess’, Bill,” Brendon sighed. “It’s just life, you know? Shit happens, and you might get fucked up for a while, or even a really long time but, see, you just gotta keep pushing through until you suddenly realise that things are gonna be okay again, or they already are without you noticing. It’s just - You’re doing so well, Bill, recovering and everything. Do you know how many people wouldn’t even try? You’ve found the strength to try and change, and I think that’s pretty amazing to be honest, and... now I’m rambling. Okay. You really should have stopped me back there,” Brendon laughed.
“I wanted to hear,” William smiled. “Thanks, Bren. And thanks for being so cool about Ryan and everything.”
“Well, it’s not as though you’re much competition,” Brendon shrugged, but he had a playful grin on his face. “And I know.”
“What, Urie?” William feigned outrage.
“Dude, you totally kissed me when you were high one time,” Brendon raised an eyebrow. “Wow, you don’t remember.”
“Not so much, no,” William shook his head, grimacing. “We didn’t... I mean, I didn’t try and -”
“No. No, that was it before you went to snuggle with Travie and Gabe on the sofa,” Brendon assured him. “But at least I know you won’t be stealing my Ryro away with your macking skills,” he teased.
“You know, I hardly think that’s an accurate representation of my -”
“What’s this about stealing your Ryro with skills?”
Both Brendon and William looked at to see Ryan stood in front of them, one hand on a jutted hip as he glared at Brendon, who made a sort of ‘meep’ sound.
“Uh... There was some kind of epic Guitar Hero tournament going on down there when we came in. I think I’m gonna go try and get in on that,” Brendon scrambled up from the floor, giving William one more smile and avoiding eye contact with Ryan who just laughed as Brendon walked away, glancing nervously over his shoulder.
William got up too, grin spreading across his face as he and Ryan just looked at each other for a little while before Ryan stepped toward him and William pulled him into a tight hug.
“Come on,” William said on breaking contact, nodding towards the door as he opened it and letting Ryan walk in before following him inside. They sat on the bed, just as they had done weeks ago now, and in a way it felt exactly the same but it also felt really, really different. Then again, William had changed since he’d last seen Ryan, so he figured it only made sense things would feel a little different.
He was happy to see Ryan, of course he was, but it was definitely different to the kind of happy seeing Ryan had made him feel before. Weeks ago William had been desperate, had clung to Ryan for support when he had to try so hard just to feel okay. Now, William felt stronger in himself. Not that he didn’t rely on other people anymore, but he was able to cope with shit on his own more; he didn’t feel like he was going to fall apart if people didn’t like him, or his music, which was something he and Owen had figured out together as one of the main reasons William had fallen so deeply into addiction.
“You look good,” Ryan smiled, looking William up and down. He was skinny as usual (not that Ryan could talk, he knew) but he didn’t look thin almost to the point of frail like he had when Ryan had first seen him in the clinic. His skin, and eyes, all over really, William looked better. He just looked like William, Ryan realised; more like the William he’d met when he first joined the label.
“Thanks,” William laughed, a little shy but knowing it was the truth in comparison to how he’d looked before. “You too,” he added truthfully, because although Ryan hadn’t changed physically, he just looked more relaxed, happier maybe, or perhaps just content, William thought. “So, what brings you here, Ry?” he asked, even though he’d already guessed the answer.
“Pete told me about New York,” Ryan admitted, “and I had to see if you were okay. I know you didn’t want to see me for a while, but -”
“It wasn’t about not wanting to see you,” William cut in. “It was about needing to figure out how to do this on my own, okay?”
“I know that, Bill,” Ryan nodded. “I just... wasn’t sure if you’d want me here, even now.”
“Yeah, well, then you’re stupider than you look,” William laughed as Ryan poked him hard in the thigh. “It’s been hard alone,” he said quietly, laughter fading from his face and leaving only a slightly sad, but almost proud smile, “but it’s been... well, ‘good’ doesn’t really seem like the right word but it kind of has been, really. Good,” William repeated, still finding it somewhat hard to think of the whole experience, or any part of it, that way. Before he’d just seen rehab as something to get through, survive almost, just cope with until it was over. Now, though, looking back on the time, William was able to appreciate how much he’d learnt about himself along the way, the strength he’d gained and the ways he’d changed already which would hopefully only get stronger as more time went on. Of course, there was always the chance he would slip back into old habits, go back to who he was before, but William couldn’t, fucking refused to think like that. He had to look forward now.
“I heard,” Ryan nodded, smiling. “Owen told me how well you’re doing now,” he paused, thinking for a second. “Would it be weird if I said I was... proud of you?” Ryan asked hesitantly. He didn’t want to make the conversation suddenly awkward somehow, but the truth was he did feel proud of Bill, just like he’d be proud of any of his friends having the strength and courage to fight their demons and come out the other side better than ever.
“Not really,” William shook his head, mirroring Ryan’s smile. “I mean, you were here in the beginning, Ry, helping me, watching me try and change.”
“Not ‘try’,” Ryan contradicted, his voice clearly tinged with that pride as he looked right into William’s eyes, smiling a little wider. “In some ways, Bill - good ways - you have changed.”
And it was a testament to those good changes that William didn’t have to work hard to make himself acknowledge that. He just felt it, and knew, and for one of the first times in a long time, that was enough.
Some things about William hadn’t changed, and probably never would. One of those things was the way William would bite and pick at his nails when he was nervous, or fidget with his hair just to give his hands something to do, just trying to keep his mind off of whatever was coming. In this case, though, it wasn’t so much about what was coming, as who.
Since Ryan had left William had been pretty much completely preoccupied with the fact that Gabe could arrive any minute, really, seeing as it was afternoon but neither of them had bothered to specify a time that Gabe would arrive. William wished he had done because whereas he would usually kill some time during the days by writing, maybe playing around with music, trying out some stuff on his acoustic guitar, he couldn’t do any of that just then because such things required at least some focus, and William really didn’t have any to spare.
The most irritating thing to William was that despite not being able to get his mind off Gabe and his imminent arrival, he still couldn’t figure out what the hell he was actually going to say when he did get there. William was just so confused it seemed to hurt his brain trying to separate out the way his emotions and thoughts and memories all jumbled together until the lines blurred.
Part of him, still, wanted so badly to just... try, to just try and have something, that sort of relationship with Gabe. Then the other, possibly larger part of him wanted nothing more than to tell Gabe that sure, okay, they could maybe be friends, but anything else was just too much, William couldn’t get hurt again like that... He was scared, scared of trying to have something and losing it again, scared that he couldn’t handle that and might relapse, scared of his own weaknesses and that he just might not be enough for Gabe.
William hated himself for thinking it but it rose in his mind before he could stop himself: Fuck, things were so much easier when he didn’t have to feel anything. Sometimes, including times like this when he was nervous as hell, William really missed being numb, only having to worry about how to get to the next high and knowing it would be as simple as taking a pill or snorting a line. But then he reminded himself of how great it felt to actually feel it when he’d hugged Sisky or when Pete gave him one of those grins, and William knew that as hard and fucked up life could get, it was worth the effort to get to the good times.
And maybe, William thought, it would be worth the effort to have something with Gabe. He honestly still didn’t know, but the knock on his door signalled that it was time to find out.
“Oh shit,” William whispered under his breath before taking in a shaky lungful of air and calling out at a volume whoever it was (though he knew who it was) would hear. “Come in.”
“Hi,” Gabe walked almost cautiously into William’s room, shutting the door behind him.
“Hey,” William stood up, automatically about to hug Gabe before he stopped himself without quite knowing why. Considering the way his stomach was twisting almost painfully, though, if he had to guess William would have gone with fear being the reason. After all, he’d kissed Gabe without warning him or anything and look how that had turned out, he told himself silently. “How are you?” he asked, speaking again before Gabe had a chance. “I mean, I know I only saw you like... two days ago, but it kind of feels like longer. I don’t know why it does, but it does to me. That’s stupid, though, I mean - two days is two days, right? It’s not -”
“It’s long enough,” Gabe interrupted quietly, gently breaking Bill out of what was about to become a genuine babbling run. “Long enough to go without saying this,” Gabe sighed. “I’m sorry, Bill. I was an ass to you, a stupid motherfucker for saying those things to you, especially because you’re still recovering but also because... because you’re you and I should have known that, I should have trusted that,” Gabe paused, looking at the younger man just standing there, facing him, their eyes locked.
William didn’t say anything, not yet. This was the part where he’d say something along the lines of ‘It’s okay’ and offer forgiveness, but he didn’t because it still wasn’t quite okay and William just wasn’t there yet. Instead he just sat down on the bed, gesturing for Gabe to join him. For a minute William’s mind was taken up with thinking about how long he’d spent on this bed, in this room... he’d been to hell and back and he suddenly realised he couldn’t wait to get out and do... something. He almost didn’t care what came next, William just wanted to start living again, whatever that meant. He’d figure it out.
“Was it true, though?” William asked, couldn’t keep himself from asking. “Do you think you can trust me again? I’m not saying like, right now or anything, but sometime in the future... d’you think you can get there?”
“Might not be easy,” Gabe said, because it seemed like they were doing this thing properly now; stripped bare and painfully honest. “But I’d really like to try,” he gave William a little smile, “and sitting on the floor of the hallway outside your hotel room, someone told me that some things are really worth a little work. And a little faith,” Gabe added on second thought as William finally returned the smile, just a little, but enough.
“Pete,” William said simply, nodding.
“Yeah,” Gabe echoed the movement, “he knocked some sense into me,” Gabe smirked reaching up to rub his jaw.
“Oh,” William’s eyes widened in understanding. “Shit, Gabe, that was -”
“Nothing more than I deserved,” Gabe assured him. “And it was nothing compared to how I felt when I realised just how much I’d hurt you,” he went on, suddenly serious as guilt washed over him, easily affecting his voice and reflecting in his eyes as he looked at William. “And I was just so scared,” Gabe’s words dropped in volume as he admitted what he hated to acknowledge, even to himself.
“I’m sorry I ran, Gabe, I just -”
”Not then,” Gabe cut him off, shaking his head. “When you said you wanted to be with me,” he swallowed hard, forcing himself to continue because they were doing this now, and if he couldn’t tell the truth now he never would, “I said all those things because they were partly true, but only because I’m... I’m scared of getting hurt,” Gabe confessed, fighting the urge to turn away even though William was only looking at him with patience and quiet understanding, “and because I know that if I let myself fall for you, and it didn’t work out or I had to watch you relapse badly...” Gabe winced inwardly as Bill flinched slightly at that last part. “I know I’d hit the ground so hard I might never get up again,” Gabe finished finally, letting out a sigh of relief as he began to feel lighter, somehow.
William only had to think for a minute, biting on his bottom lip as he looked back at Gabe, before the words came to him.
“I’m scared, too,” he told Gabe. “I’m scared I won’t be enough for you, I’m scared of feeling ‘cause I got so used to not feeling, I’m scared I won’t be able to cut it onstage anymore even if the band’s okay after this but most of all I’m fucking terrified of hurting you,” William whispered that last part but it was true. “I hate it, but there’s a chance I could fall back into how I was before I came here. I don’t want to - I mean, fuck, I’d do just about anything not to, but there’s always a chance I won’t be strong enough,” he admitted sadly. William had learnt from Owen that relapse rates can vary from fifty percent to as high as ninety percent, but William had already decided that wasn’t going to be him. However, deciding was one thing, putting it into practice in the real world was another entirely.
“Looking at you now, Bill, you’re one of the strongest people I’ve ever met,” Gabe said firmly. “And what if, you know... maybe someone gave you something to hold onto?”
William laughed at that, rolling his eyes at Gabe.
“Okay, okay, but you know what I mean, right?” Gabe went on. “I mean, we could... we could be strong together, maybe. Help each other when things get scary,” Gabe watched William, waiting for his reaction.
“I don’t know, Gabe,” William sighed, wishing for the hundredth time that this just wasn’t so hard. “It’s soon, you know? It’s pretty... fast, I guess, and I don’t know if that’s a good idea.”
“Doesn’t have to be fast,” Gabe shrugged. Now he’d started this thing he wanted to hold onto the possibility as long as he could. He wasn’t just going to let it end, not without putting just a little more effort in. “We can just be buddies, you know? Like always. Just hang out until... until we’re ready, I guess. It doesn’t have to be one big change,” Gabe shifted a little closer to William on the bed. “It’s all about steps, right?” Gabe questioned and William nodded. “Step one,” Gabe said, reaching across and lacing his fingers through Bill’s where his hand was resting on one skinny thigh. It was the first time they’d touched since William had kissed Gabe but this small act of intimacy somehow felt so much more right than that had. “William Beckett, I like you,” he took the leap, holding his breath until Bill smiled, suddenly looking so much more relaxed.
“Gabe Saporta, I like you too,” he replied, slipping his hand from Gabe’s so he could turn it over and entwine their fingers properly. They stayed silent for a minute, both of them just feeling the moment until Gabe spoke into the quiet.
“How’re you doing now?” Gabe said softly in William’s ear, a slight tingle working its way down his spine as Gabe’s breath hit his skin.
“Good,” William nodded, leaning across to speak in Gabe’s ear as if he was telling him a secret. “You know, I’m not so scared anymore.”
“Me neither,” Gabe grinned at William when the other male pulled back again to look at Gabe, a question he’d been wondering about for a while now suddenly rising in his mind again. “So, uh, do you know when you’re getting out of this place?”
“I -” William paused, slightly surprised by Gabe’s question. “Actually, yeah,” he nodded. He and Owen had talked about it and now William was physically clean and had already made a lot of progress in his sessions and everything, Owen had suggested William could move back home to Chicago and come back for sessions with him once a week for a while, see how that went. “It might only be a week or so until I leave here,” William told Gabe. He still almost couldn’t believe it himself.
“Wow, that’s... that’s great, Bilvy,” Gabe called William by that nickname without thinking and was opening his mouth to correct himself when Bill just squeezed his fingers, shaking his head slowly.
“Bilvy’s good,” he said quietly, smiling contentedly.
“You know what’d also be good?” Gabe began as the idea came to him. “In a few weeks or something, if you wanted to, The Academy Is... should play a show. Just something small, you know?” Gabe suggested tentatively, frowning as worry straight away showed on William’s features. “You guys could play Angels and Kings or something; we could invite all our friends...” Gabe trailed off as William’s gaze dropped to his lap, the fingers of his free hand fidgeting with the seam of his jeans.
“I can’t,” William’s voice was so quiet Gabe could barely hear it. “I don’t even know if I can perform anymore. It’s just me now, I won’t have any drugs to give me false confidence or give my performance that spark and... I don’t know if I can do that anymore.”
“Bill...” the sadness and sense of just giving up broke Gabe’s heart a little. “Look,” Gabe reached up with his free hand and hooked his thumb under William’s chin, making him meet his eyes again. “When I left you here the last time, remember what I said to you?” Gabe waited and William nodded. “I told you that you needed to get back to who you were, because you were an amazing performer and you could get back to that. Well, I was wrong.”
“That’s what I’m saying, I don’t know if I can -”
“Not finished yet,” Gabe interrupted, but his tone was soft and just... affectionate. “You don’t need to get back to that because you have changed, Bill, you’ve come through this stronger than ever and you need to look forward, not back. I wouldn’t have thought it possible but somehow you’re an even better Beckett than you ever were, and that’s going to show in your performance if you just let it,” Gabe finished firmly, allowing William a few moments of silence, then, to take in what Gabe had said.
“Maybe,” William answered quietly, a smile tugging at his lips despite the feelings of self doubt because if nothing else, Gabe believed in him. And that was something, that was enough, for now at least. “We’ll see.”
“Yeah,” Gabe nodded, and only hesitating for a moment he leaned over and pressed his lips to William’s temple for a few seconds. “We’ll see.”
That night, William slept just as he had the previous one, curled up on his side with his fingers closed loosely around the material of the snuggle bud’s purple hoodie. The material of William’s t shirt was held in a similar way by Gabe’s fingers, the older male’s arm lying protectively over his lean body as Gabe laid on his side right behind Bill, face turned slightly into the nape of his neck as they slept.
One more small act of intimacy and just like the first, it felt right.
***A/N: Thanks for sticking with this, people. I know I suck at updating so anyone still reading means a lot to me <3