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[milotic17]

I've been MIA for a while.  I think it's been at least a year now.  I've decided it might be a good idea to get back to writing here, though.  I'm not doing this in an attempt to reintegrate myself into the LJ community or anything--I had few followers to begin with, and I'm sure many of them have forgotten about me at this point--but because I

Comments

[raspel]

i feel like any response i have will sound dumb when you've just poured your heart out here. i'm so sorry the depression has been this bad and that you're also struggling with your ED. i'm guessing that your hunger signals are off and you're eating too little without even noticing. the only way to really stop it is to get on some kind of meal plan... and it's something you might have to be on for a while. i have to eat on a schedule or i just won't eat enough; it's like we've trained our bodies to handle restriction too well

[raspel]

based on this entry, it's a safe assumption that your very dark moods/thoughts/perceptions are provoked from long term malnutrition and major depression. that sounds so "duh" but i wanted to say it because, first off, i don't want you to feel like you're crazy or weird - i relate so much to this post, and i know that many others would as well - and i also don't want you to think that this is you and this is your life. i mean, it is right now, but it doesn't have to be this way forever or for very long. the ED alone can seriously warp your head. when's the last time you went a month or even two weeks eating 2,000 calories every single day? i can't even imagine how starved your brain is right now, and you know the first thing that goes w/ lack of nutrition is cognitive functioning. ED aside, all of this could be caused by the depression too. are there any other meds you can try

[milotic17]

Thank you so much, Whitney. Your comments really mean a lot to me. You always have such kind things to say

[milotic17]

I know my parents love me, and beyond that I know that they just like me as a person and enjoy spending time with me and whotnot. I'm not sure why, beyond the expected parental love for child thing (although I know that's not always even a give, which, frankly, breaks my heart...no child should ever have to feel unloved by his or her parents, but, again, this is an issue too large to get into). Honestly, though, I think they happen to be fond of me beyond that even, although, like I said, I don't understand it. My fear is not that they'll stop liking me, but that they just won't be able to be near me because it's too painful watching me harm myself. I'm afraid it will make them too sad and they'll have to back away. I hate even thinking about what my stuggles have done to my mother. It's awful, and I feel awful about it. I think maybe they just won't be able to take it at some point. They'll become both too sad by what I'm doing and too frustrated by my inability to stop. I don't know that they'll ever give up on me, but I

[milotic17]

I guess that's part of what makes me feel hopeless. For years I was promised that if I ate well and maintained a proper weight I would be happy. No one claimed it was a cure-all, but they said I would be less depressed, less anxious, more social, would feel better about myself, etc. I won't say that nothing's happened; there's everything listed above, and obviously when you're not starving and sick you just function better, both cognitively and physically. I just don't know that good nutrition is the big answer. It wasn't there at the beginning, so I'm not sure why it would be there at the end. I know I've never maintained a period of being completely free of the ED for, say, years, but that's not what my depression is about. It wasn't caused by the ED, although I do understand that malnutrition can never help these issues. I don't know. Having ED thoughts that are less strong and frequent has certainly been a positive, but it hasn't really made me happier. Of course, the fact that I seem to be going back in that direction