Just a Favour
“Torchwood Three, Ianto Jones speaking.”
“Good morning, Mr. Jones. How are things in Cardiff?”
“Agent Coulson. It’s good to hear from you. I’d understood you’d been released from the hospital.”
“Two weeks ago, yes. It was a bad way to learn not to turn your back on an insane Asgardian with a magical spear, I’ll admit.”
“I’ll keep that in mind in case anything like that happens in Cardiff. Although, knowing the Rift, it might be a given at some point.”
“Anytime. Oh, and thank you for the fruit basket. It was a wonderful change from the horrible food they insisted on serving me.”
“You’re welcome. I’ve spent a couple of times in the hospital myself, and I’m convinced they’re actually out to poison you in order to keep you in longer, so they can make more money.”
“That wouldn’t surprise me at all. The last time for you was the 456, correct?”
“That’s right. And did I ever thank you for the handheld video game you sent? It was nice to be able to shoot aliens after I’d been farted on by one and nearly killed.”
“You did, yes. Was it therapeutic?”
“Very much so. So, what can Torchwood do for S.H.I.E.L.D. today?”
“I have a problem I do need your particular expertise with.”
“Anything I can do, Agent Coulson, in the name of inter-agency cooperation.”
“I was hoping you’d say that. Of course I’m still on light duty, or else I’d handle this myself…”
“I understand.”
“There’s going to be an international technology conference in London next month…”
“And you suspect someone might attempt to target it?”
“Not exactly. In fact, I already know that someone on our watch list is going to be attending, and I wanted to ask if you could keep an eye out for him.”
“Certainly, although I wonder why you don’t have one of your agents do it.”
“That’s because it’s a very sensitive matter and I can’t be positive that any ordinary agent won’t make a mess of it. This takes your well-known delicacy of touch.”
“If I didn’t know any better I’d say you were trying to butter me up, as it were.”
“Agent Jones, you wound me!”
“No, Loki did that for you already.”
“It’s really just a simple babysitting job. Nothing too difficult or dangerous.”
“-“
“Agent Jones?”
“-“
“I can hear you breathing, you know.”
“-“
“Agent Jones…”
“You want me to babysit Tony Stark, don’t you.”
“You’re perfect for the job. You already have practice babysitting Captain Harkness -“
“But I’m sleeping with Jack. I’m not going to become in any way intimate with Tony Stark.”
“And I’m not asking you to. Besides, Dr. Banner might get a bit jealous if you do, and I think the last thing we want is for the Other Guy to show up.”
“Stark is screwing the Hulk?”
“No…he’s screwing Bruce Banner. There’s a really big difference.”
“A rather large, green difference, you’re right.”
“Mister Jones…Ianto…it’s only for the weekend.”
“And I repeat my earlier question: why can’t one of your agents handle it?”
“Because Stark would eat a regular S.H.I.E.L.D. Agent for breakfast and come back for seconds. Whereas you’re perfectly capable of handling his type, as you’ve proven with Captain Harkness.”
“To get Jack in line, I simply refuse him either coffee or sex until he behaves. I doubt either is going to deter Stark if he chooses to blow anything up.”
“I think you’re underestimating your abilities.”
“And I think you’re pandering to my ego.”
“Is it working?”
“What about Ms Potts? She’s particularly good at Stark wrangling.”
“She’s in Hong Kong overseeing the newest Stark eyesore…I mean, Stark Tower. She won’t be back in the country for several weeks.”
“-“
“You’re really the best we have to take care of this. Besides, what can happen in a weekend?”
“Have you been to London lately?”
“Look, I’d do it myself but I’m on travel restriction yet and Colonel Fury has managed to mess up all the paperwork while I was off duty…”
“And I don’t have enough to do in Cardiff?”
“All right, if you don’t want to do it, I can find someone else. Maybe that Sherlock guy wouldn’t mind -“
“You’d really ask Sherlock Holmes to babysit Tony Stark? You are truly desperate. I’m not certain which one would commit murder by insult first.”
“I am desperate. Stark might be an adult but let’s face it, trouble follows him around like a cloud of that expensive cologne he wears. I really need your help on this.”
“-“
“I can make it worth your while…”
“You’d better.”
“How about an unlimited account at any tailor you name on Savile Row?”
“And you’re going to sneak that past Colonel Fury how?”
“Let me worry about that. Will you do it?”
“-“
“-“
“All right. But don’t blame me if I happen to use my stun gun on him.”
“I won’t, don’t worry. I’ve wanted to shoot Stark myself on occasion.”
“Give me the dates and location and I’ll let Jack know. He’s not going to be happy about it, so expect an irate phone call from him shortly.”
“It’ll be worth it. Thank you, Mr. Jones.”
“I would say anytime, but I’d be lying. Good day, Agent Coulson.”
**********
“Coulson.”
“Agent Coulson, I trust you’ve received my report?”
“I have, Mr. Jones. And I have to admit I’m impressed. You didn’t even need to call in reinforcements.”
“What’s an unexpected Dalek invasion in the life of a Torchwood operative?”
“And here I thought London only had most of its alien incursions around Christmas?”
“That’s a fallacy. London has incursions all of the time. It’s simply that the holidays see them more often than not.”
“I’ll keep that in mind for next time. Oh, and Colonel Fury is looking to poach you from Torchwood over this. He’s practically salivating, which isn’t a good look for him and makes for more dry cleaning.”
“Please tell him thank you, but I’m perfectly happy in Cardiff. Besides, he doesn’t offer the same perks I get here.”
“I’m sure he’ll try to win you over.”
“I’m sorry but he’s not my type. Although his coat is impressive.”
“I’d tell him that but I don’t want to find myself on the bridge of the helicarrier as he’s striking what he thinks are swashbuckling poses. It happens every time someone compliments his fashion sense.”
“Sounds like Jack. It must be the massive hero complex they both carry around with them. I’m surprised they can even walk sometimes with that sort of load.”
“Wouldn’t surprise me one bit.”
“Also, please make a note that a blast from a Dalek weapon will only make the Hulk angrier than taking shots at his boyfriend.”
“And here I thought nothing would make the Hulk angrier than someone shooting at Stark. I’ll definitely need to remember that.”
“You know, you could have warned me that Dr. Banner would be accompanying Stark to the symposium.”
“Sorry about that, but since they’re sleeping together and that Banner is a genius I thought that would have been a given.”
“I will admit that I quite like Dr. Banner…when he isn’t green and tearing through the lobby of the Four Seasons Canary Wharf.”
“Ouch. What is it about Daleks and Canary Wharf?”
“I have no idea. I’m going to anonymously petition the city council that they change the name, and then perhaps the Daleks wouldn’t be able to find the area. I’m getting a bit tired of finding myself in the midst of some sort of invasion there. It’s downright tiring and the flashbacks are hell.”
“I don’t blame you. Oh, forward on your expense reports as well and I’ll forge Fury’s signature on it for you.”
“Thanks, I will, although Stark’s offered to buy me a replacement suit. Apparently he liked the one that was ruined, although it was his own fault. He needs some serious target practice with his repulsor blasts.”
“Well, that was decent of him, even if he ruined it in the first place.”
“He’s not bad…once you get past the egomaniacal, entitled smart-arse. But I didn’t say that.”
“He won’t hear it from me.”
“Oh, and tell him I want my big gun back. He doesn’t get to reverse engineer it for his own uses.”
“Is it alien tech?”
“Yes. And I honestly don’t trust him to convert it into some sort of high-tech hair dryer or blow something up with it.”
“I’ll make certain to confiscate it. Mail it back to the usual address?”
“That should be fine. The postman is used to delivering rather large packages to the Mermaid Quay tourist office by now.”
“I’ll also need to get the name of your tailor in London, so I can get that account set up for you.”
“I’ll email you the details.”
“Are you sure we can’t lure you away from Torchwood? Anyone who can stop a major alien incursion with one big gun, an immature billionaire in a fancy metal suit, and a large green monster is someone we’d need onboard.”
“Quite sure. Someone needs to hold onto the reins here in Cardiff. After all, if I leave Jack to his own devices too long he’ll piss off everyone in authority and then where would we be?”
“And I’m certain the fringe benefits are well worth it.”
“They are indeed.”
“As usual, it’s a pleasure talking to you, Mr. Jones.”
“And you, Agent Coulson. Until the next time.”
“And we both know there will be a next time.”
“Yes, we do. Have a good day.”
“You as well.”
“Good morning, Mr. Jones. How are things in Cardiff?”
“Agent Coulson. It’s good to hear from you. I’d understood you’d been released from the hospital.”
“Two weeks ago, yes. It was a bad way to learn not to turn your back on an insane Asgardian with a magical spear, I’ll admit.”
“I’ll keep that in mind in case anything like that happens in Cardiff. Although, knowing the Rift, it might be a given at some point.”
“Anytime. Oh, and thank you for the fruit basket. It was a wonderful change from the horrible food they insisted on serving me.”
“You’re welcome. I’ve spent a couple of times in the hospital myself, and I’m convinced they’re actually out to poison you in order to keep you in longer, so they can make more money.”
“That wouldn’t surprise me at all. The last time for you was the 456, correct?”
“That’s right. And did I ever thank you for the handheld video game you sent? It was nice to be able to shoot aliens after I’d been farted on by one and nearly killed.”
“You did, yes. Was it therapeutic?”
“Very much so. So, what can Torchwood do for S.H.I.E.L.D. today?”
“I have a problem I do need your particular expertise with.”
“Anything I can do, Agent Coulson, in the name of inter-agency cooperation.”
“I was hoping you’d say that. Of course I’m still on light duty, or else I’d handle this myself…”
“I understand.”
“There’s going to be an international technology conference in London next month…”
“And you suspect someone might attempt to target it?”
“Not exactly. In fact, I already know that someone on our watch list is going to be attending, and I wanted to ask if you could keep an eye out for him.”
“Certainly, although I wonder why you don’t have one of your agents do it.”
“That’s because it’s a very sensitive matter and I can’t be positive that any ordinary agent won’t make a mess of it. This takes your well-known delicacy of touch.”
“If I didn’t know any better I’d say you were trying to butter me up, as it were.”
“Agent Jones, you wound me!”
“No, Loki did that for you already.”
“It’s really just a simple babysitting job. Nothing too difficult or dangerous.”
“-“
“Agent Jones?”
“-“
“I can hear you breathing, you know.”
“-“
“Agent Jones…”
“You want me to babysit Tony Stark, don’t you.”
“You’re perfect for the job. You already have practice babysitting Captain Harkness -“
“But I’m sleeping with Jack. I’m not going to become in any way intimate with Tony Stark.”
“And I’m not asking you to. Besides, Dr. Banner might get a bit jealous if you do, and I think the last thing we want is for the Other Guy to show up.”
“Stark is screwing the Hulk?”
“No…he’s screwing Bruce Banner. There’s a really big difference.”
“A rather large, green difference, you’re right.”
“Mister Jones…Ianto…it’s only for the weekend.”
“And I repeat my earlier question: why can’t one of your agents handle it?”
“Because Stark would eat a regular S.H.I.E.L.D. Agent for breakfast and come back for seconds. Whereas you’re perfectly capable of handling his type, as you’ve proven with Captain Harkness.”
“To get Jack in line, I simply refuse him either coffee or sex until he behaves. I doubt either is going to deter Stark if he chooses to blow anything up.”
“I think you’re underestimating your abilities.”
“And I think you’re pandering to my ego.”
“Is it working?”
“What about Ms Potts? She’s particularly good at Stark wrangling.”
“She’s in Hong Kong overseeing the newest Stark eyesore…I mean, Stark Tower. She won’t be back in the country for several weeks.”
“-“
“You’re really the best we have to take care of this. Besides, what can happen in a weekend?”
“Have you been to London lately?”
“Look, I’d do it myself but I’m on travel restriction yet and Colonel Fury has managed to mess up all the paperwork while I was off duty…”
“And I don’t have enough to do in Cardiff?”
“All right, if you don’t want to do it, I can find someone else. Maybe that Sherlock guy wouldn’t mind -“
“You’d really ask Sherlock Holmes to babysit Tony Stark? You are truly desperate. I’m not certain which one would commit murder by insult first.”
“I am desperate. Stark might be an adult but let’s face it, trouble follows him around like a cloud of that expensive cologne he wears. I really need your help on this.”
“-“
“I can make it worth your while…”
“You’d better.”
“How about an unlimited account at any tailor you name on Savile Row?”
“And you’re going to sneak that past Colonel Fury how?”
“Let me worry about that. Will you do it?”
“-“
“-“
“All right. But don’t blame me if I happen to use my stun gun on him.”
“I won’t, don’t worry. I’ve wanted to shoot Stark myself on occasion.”
“Give me the dates and location and I’ll let Jack know. He’s not going to be happy about it, so expect an irate phone call from him shortly.”
“It’ll be worth it. Thank you, Mr. Jones.”
“I would say anytime, but I’d be lying. Good day, Agent Coulson.”
**********
“Coulson.”
“Agent Coulson, I trust you’ve received my report?”
“I have, Mr. Jones. And I have to admit I’m impressed. You didn’t even need to call in reinforcements.”
“What’s an unexpected Dalek invasion in the life of a Torchwood operative?”
“And here I thought London only had most of its alien incursions around Christmas?”
“That’s a fallacy. London has incursions all of the time. It’s simply that the holidays see them more often than not.”
“I’ll keep that in mind for next time. Oh, and Colonel Fury is looking to poach you from Torchwood over this. He’s practically salivating, which isn’t a good look for him and makes for more dry cleaning.”
“Please tell him thank you, but I’m perfectly happy in Cardiff. Besides, he doesn’t offer the same perks I get here.”
“I’m sure he’ll try to win you over.”
“I’m sorry but he’s not my type. Although his coat is impressive.”
“I’d tell him that but I don’t want to find myself on the bridge of the helicarrier as he’s striking what he thinks are swashbuckling poses. It happens every time someone compliments his fashion sense.”
“Sounds like Jack. It must be the massive hero complex they both carry around with them. I’m surprised they can even walk sometimes with that sort of load.”
“Wouldn’t surprise me one bit.”
“Also, please make a note that a blast from a Dalek weapon will only make the Hulk angrier than taking shots at his boyfriend.”
“And here I thought nothing would make the Hulk angrier than someone shooting at Stark. I’ll definitely need to remember that.”
“You know, you could have warned me that Dr. Banner would be accompanying Stark to the symposium.”
“Sorry about that, but since they’re sleeping together and that Banner is a genius I thought that would have been a given.”
“I will admit that I quite like Dr. Banner…when he isn’t green and tearing through the lobby of the Four Seasons Canary Wharf.”
“Ouch. What is it about Daleks and Canary Wharf?”
“I have no idea. I’m going to anonymously petition the city council that they change the name, and then perhaps the Daleks wouldn’t be able to find the area. I’m getting a bit tired of finding myself in the midst of some sort of invasion there. It’s downright tiring and the flashbacks are hell.”
“I don’t blame you. Oh, forward on your expense reports as well and I’ll forge Fury’s signature on it for you.”
“Thanks, I will, although Stark’s offered to buy me a replacement suit. Apparently he liked the one that was ruined, although it was his own fault. He needs some serious target practice with his repulsor blasts.”
“Well, that was decent of him, even if he ruined it in the first place.”
“He’s not bad…once you get past the egomaniacal, entitled smart-arse. But I didn’t say that.”
“He won’t hear it from me.”
“Oh, and tell him I want my big gun back. He doesn’t get to reverse engineer it for his own uses.”
“Is it alien tech?”
“Yes. And I honestly don’t trust him to convert it into some sort of high-tech hair dryer or blow something up with it.”
“I’ll make certain to confiscate it. Mail it back to the usual address?”
“That should be fine. The postman is used to delivering rather large packages to the Mermaid Quay tourist office by now.”
“I’ll also need to get the name of your tailor in London, so I can get that account set up for you.”
“I’ll email you the details.”
“Are you sure we can’t lure you away from Torchwood? Anyone who can stop a major alien incursion with one big gun, an immature billionaire in a fancy metal suit, and a large green monster is someone we’d need onboard.”
“Quite sure. Someone needs to hold onto the reins here in Cardiff. After all, if I leave Jack to his own devices too long he’ll piss off everyone in authority and then where would we be?”
“And I’m certain the fringe benefits are well worth it.”
“They are indeed.”
“As usual, it’s a pleasure talking to you, Mr. Jones.”
“And you, Agent Coulson. Until the next time.”
“And we both know there will be a next time.”
“Yes, we do. Have a good day.”
“You as well.”