Looking back (chapter 14)
April 29, 1897 - June 14, 1897
She did not try to run away so she was never bound. She did not say a word so she was never gagged. She did not trust a single soul so she never cared. All she ever thought about was the man in the hammock, Andres Bonifacio. She was worried for Bonifacio's health. The wounds that were inflicted on him when he was arrested was so grave, he was merely an inch from death. His captors won't let his wounds be treated properly. Clara wanted to reach out to him but they were kept separately. She wasn't exactly a prisoner so they can't put her in prison, she's just forced to be there, like a trophy of some sort or some symbol of authority for her captors. Clara knew all the men there were Aguinaldo's and therefore under his command. She refused to loathe him despite his hostile actions towards Andres. She can't yet, and she shouldn't play favorites. She knew it was unfair.
"Let me treat his wounds. He's already suffered enough. He might not last until the trial if this keeps up." She said to one of the generals who came to dine with her every night.
"He's already sleeping, maybe tomorrow." He said no more.
Clara turned away, her grip on her utensils tightening, 'That's what you said last night too. Why don't you just directly admit that you want him to die?'
The next day, the trial opened in Naik. Clara felt a bit relieved that they were fair enough to give Andres a trial, and that they let her attend. It's quite a momentous experience for her, it would be the first time she'd get to witness an all-Filipino trial, with her own people presiding, prosecuting and defending one another. Everyone knows that Spanish courts which had prosecuted Filipinos in the past only served injustice and lack of fairness. She, as well as her people, hated them. Clara expected a clean trial. A real trial at last.
But what she got was a complete farce. Personal prejudice was rampant and the very fact that the man on trial was the enemy of President Aguinaldo made a verdict of guilty a foregone conclusion. The mockery of her expectations was like a slap to her face.
Her jaw almost dropped when she saw the men who composed the Council of War who were to preside and act as jury for the duration of the whole trial. They were all Caviteños, Aguinaldo's men. She then knew that it would be hard to win the case. As much as they are prosecuting him for sedition, treason and plotting to kill Aguinaldo, from Clara's point of view, they were grilling him for not being from Cavite too.
Clara frowned when the last member of the Council entered the room. She narrowed her eyes, "Isn't that the man Bonifacio earlier arrested in connection with freeing Spanish prisoners? What is he doing in there?" she was sitting beside Baldomero Aguinaldo, Emilio's cousin, because the latter was busy.
"He's a general, of course he's there." was the only reply she got. She did not talk to him anymore afterwards.
Clara was more enraged by how Pio del Pilar, Mariano Noriel and Severino de las Alas, all signatories of the Naik Military Agreement with Bonifacio, were able to make up for having once supported Andres in the above mentioned agreement.
Del Pilar testified in the trial, "Bonifacio had been forcing officers to join him, I'm just glad Aguinaldo was able to stop such a desperate man from his illegal measures." Clara wanted to chuck the chair she was sitting in down his throat. What a lie!
As for Severino de las Alas, he also made false charges against Bonifacio, "The friars had paid him to establish the Katipunan and to egg us all into fighting a war for which we are poorly armed. He's planning to surrender his men to the Spaniards." Which was, much to Clara's disbelief, widely accepted, as well as more false charges like Bonifacio ordering his soldiers to forcibly take carabaos and other animals from the people and that he had ordered for the burning of the convent and church in of Indang.
Mariano Noriel presided over the whole trial.
As the days of the trial passed with false charges against Bonifacio and his brother piling one after another, Clara almost lost hope that she might be able to get Bonifacio alive out of this mess they were in. Until the last day of the trial, she kept up a tiny sliver of hope, which was also crushed, by the way, by her own people again.
The fact that the court gave credence to the story of Lt. Col. Pedro Giron, a Bonifacio partisan turned State witness, who said that he was given ten pesos in advance by Andres to kill Aguinaldo in case the latter did not submit to his authority, proved to be too much of a conspiracy to her.
Clara stood up and openly complained, "That's completely a lie! Andres even said to me that Aguinaldo is not his enemy! He knows that Emilio is an effective leader and is beneficial to the revolution, how could you even consider Giron's testimony? Where is he anyway?" she yelled before anyone in the court could stop her.
Andres smiled weakly at her from the front pew, glad that he had at least someone who believes in him in this court. Andres could not even trust his own lawyer.
He stood up and faced Noriel, speaking for the first time since the whole trial had started, "Could the court please present me Lt. Col. Giron so that I may question him about his testimony? If he's the state's witness for a crime I certainly did not commit, why is he not present in this room today?"
Noriel overruled him on the grounds that Giron…was already dead.
Clara wanted to strangle every single one on the court except Bonifacio. In her mind, there was a really big WHAT?!? blocking all her other more rational thoughts. She can't find a word to describe how she felt at that moment. Enraged, Furious, and even stupid was among them though. She wanted to laugh and cry at the same time. 'What a load of bullcrap…I didn't know that they were this desperate to get rid of Bonifacio.' She dared a glance at Bonifacio's direction. He had sat back down again, Clara knew Bonifacio for a long time now. He was trying to keep the last ounce of dignity and self-esteem his enemies were forcibly taking out of him. Clara saw his hands curling into fists as it rested on his thighs. She smiled a little. The normally hot-headed Bonifacio was also keeping his temper in control.
But nothing beats the closing remarks of Bonifacio's own defense lawyer, "If there is a punishment worse than death, Andres Bonifacio deserves it for plotting to kill our respected president. Good night."
Clara wanted to faint. The guy did not just say that. She closed her gaping mouth and had wanted to have a verbal run-off again but stopped when she saw Andres' reaction. He was just calm, as if he did not hear it.
Clara was sure then, that she'd never let him die because of this, even if she had to beg Aguinaldo for Bonifacio's life, she will.
On May 6, the court's decision was ready. Two days later, Baldomero, now auditor of war, recommended to hi cousin, the President, approval of the decision rendered by the court on the ground that it had proven that Bonifacio wanted to kill the President and overthrow the government.
Clara went to Aguinaldo immediately when rumors circulated that Bonifacio was sentenced to be executed. She found him at his temporary office in Naik. The man had looked worn out, probably because of all the retreating he had been doing the past few days. He was losing most of his confrontations with the Spaniards, which was not a good sign.
"I have a favor to ask of you, would you grant me this one wish of mine?" she asked. She hid her hands behind her so she won't appear nervous or afraid. Bonifacio's life depended on her now.
"What is it, Filipinas? If it is anything within my power, I would certainly grant it." Aguinaldo answered, looking up from the reports and letters on his table. Actually, he had been looking for a way to turn her over to his side and get into her good graces. He'd fully consolidate his authority if the motherland was on his side.
"The court had sentenced Bonifacio to die. I want you to overturn the sentence. Even deportation would do or exile from the Revolution. I don't want him to die, please."
"But, Señorita Clara, the man had been found guilty by the court of sedition and treason, as well as plotting to kill me. Surely such a man of his caliber-,"
Clara bit her lip and knelt on the ground before Aguinaldo. "I've been accompanying Bonifacio and his troops ever since the start of this revolution. I am the motherland. You're all born from this land. I understand the sacrifices you had to make to set me free. I thank you from the bottom of my heart, I really do. I had always thought that armed-conflict was not the right path to freedom, but it is inevitable, and even I had led troops myself in order to defeat the Spaniards after they killed Jose Rizal." She paused, trying to weigh his expression if there's a single chance that he'd capitulate.
The man looked as regal as ever, she continued, "I'm sorry if I had to bring my personal feelings into this matter, but Bonifacio had taken good care of me, he was like a father to me. He's special to me. It pains me to think that he'd be killed at the hands of the men he should have fought along with. I beg you, spare the man his life. He had already given up more than enough for my sake. Let him walk away from this with his life."
"It is easy to give the man his life, Señorita Clara. But as a Filipino, I have my pride as well. If I was in Bonifacio's place, I wouldn't want to walk away with just my life. Andres' life is with the revolution, if he can't fight for it, he is nothing but the empty shell of a man. He'd have no more purpose. He may have his life, but he won't be really living. He'd be like a walking corpse, his actions as insignificant as that of the dead. Which would you choose, Filipinas? Life or death?" he helped her up and looked hard at the young lady.
She closed her eyes, turned around and left silently. She did a double take when she reached the door, and turned back at Aguinaldo, looking solemn. "Life. I want him to live."
"Do as you wish, Filipinas." Aguinaldo said. She said a brief thanks before closing the door behind her.
Emilio Aguinaldo sighed and returned to sit at his desk, fishing for the papers his cousin had asked him to sign earlier about the finalization of Bonifacio's punishment. He stared at it for a few minutes before summoning his council to his office.
She followed her guide as he led her towards Bonifacio's cell. She lugged her medical supplies beside her, as well as the basket of food she intended to bring him.
"He's in there." The soldier held the flaps of the entrance open for her as she entered. The space inside was almost bare besides the single bed where Bonifacio lay prone and a single chair beside it where a guard sat. She beckoned the guard to get out.
Once they were alone, Clara woke Bonifacio up.
"Andres, Andres! Wake up! It's me, Clara! I brought you dinner. And I'm going to dress your wounds too." She shook him a bit until he stirred awake.
He sat up at the sight of her, and Clara helped him into a sitting position with the headboard supporting his back. "Clara?!? Why are you here? Did you sneak in here? Where are my guards?" he asked worryingly. She had a penchant for sneaking around this past few days…he might have a small idea where she got that habit from. That idiot would certainly pay.
"No, it's okay. I'm allowed to be here. I brought you food. After you eat, I'd clean your wounds." She gave him a reassuring smile.
"There's no need to clean my wounds. I'm going to die soon. I have known that I'm not going to get out of Cavite alive." He said, taking the food presented to him nonetheless.
She ignored what he just said, "I talked to Aguinaldo earlier, I asked him if he could spare your life." She sat on the chair beside his bed, cradling the medical kit in her lap.
Bonifacio put down his food and looked at her in the eye, "No, Clara. I refuse to owe the man my life. I am aware of what I have become to this revolution: a threat that had to be eliminated as soon as possible."
"How could you be a threat to the revolution when you support it with your whole life? Andres, you are important to this cause, you have been since the start. You started this. I want to see you finish it."
"I have resigned myself to my fate, Clara. If God has willed me to die in this way, I would gladly welcome it." Clara disliked the fact that he looked relieved.
"No, it is not. It was the will of those men. I need you to live. If I get you out of Cavite, surely they won't have any more reason to castigate you. Lead the revolution in Visayas and Mindanao. Far away from Aguinaldo so you won't have to clash with each other."
"You can't erase the fact that Aguinaldo's supporters are very much afraid of what I'm capable of, Clara. I stand in the way of the Cavite leadership's goal of gaining control of the revolution. If I die, Aguinaldo's authority over the revolution would be solidified."
She got to her feet, "But-! No! W-wait! That can't be right! They can't be that selfish…I-I mean-why won't you listen to me? You're both strong and competent! The more force we have, the better chance we'll win, correct? I thought you want do this for me…why won't you live when I ask you to?" she hugged her knees close to her and buried her face in her folded arms. She could feel Bonifacio patting her on the head like she's some sort of child who needs comfort. She sulked even more. "I do believe we're talking seriously here…stop placating me, it's never done me any good."
Bonifacio even had the gall to chuckle at her, "Somehow, it seems being friends with Jacinto rubbed off on me and I ended up spoiling you when I swore I won't. You've become more vocal of the things you want. I don't know if that's a good or bad thing yet."
"Yeah, right…are we going to pretend you're not going to die now? Andres, please take this a bit more seriously like I had expected you to. You're acting like Jacinto."
"If I am Jacinto I'd already be at my feet wreaking havoc outside…I do wonder what that idiot is doing right now…do you have any news?" he chuckled a bit at remembering his best friend.
"Sorry. I didn't have time to check on him. But he must be doing fine on his own for now. I told him to wait for us." She could not stop the smile that appeared on her lips when she remembered the moments the three of them had. "I bet one way or another he's spouting some non-sense like his undying love for me somewhere."
Bonifacio nodded in agreement and they both shared a laugh at Jacinto's expense, when the laughter died down, he said, "Are you aware, Clara, of Jacinto's lineage? Of why he had attached himself to you immediately since you two met? It's the only reason I always reprimanded his useless flirting with you but never really tried to separate you two."
Clara shook her head 'no'. Her forehead creased in curiosity, "He has never mentioned anything about his parentage at all." she closed her eyes for a bit, "Hmmm…now that I think about it, he never once mentioned even having parents. I don't know anything about him at all! Except that he dropped out of college so he could join the revolution. Oh, that guy isn't really a lawyer!"
"Yes, he isn't. But he's intelligent when he wants to. Jacinto is from a poor family. So he'd have a chance of a better life, his mother sent him to her rich brother so Jacinto could be provided with better life but he dropped out of college when he joined the Katipunan. I remember he once told me that it was his mother who encouraged him to join. He said she had insisted that it was some sort of payback or atonement for her sins."
Clara hanged on to his every word, "Joining the Katipunan for atonement? What did she do? What could you possibly atone for by joining the Katipunan…-unless she had a sin against me?" She cocked her head to the side in confusion, "I don't remember anything like that…what's the name of his mother?"
"I think it's Josefa Dizon…I'm not very sure…ring a bell?"
"No…I don't recognize it from anywhere at all. But if she was that desperate to be forgiven that she'd even give up her son, I guess she's really sincere…it's not like Jacinto is acting like he's being forced into this."
"He wasn't. He's really happy to be with you. He said it was a dream come true." He let out a yawn. "Well, I'm tired. Go back to your tent now, Clara. It was nice talking to you."
Clara giggled. "Yeah, it was nice. Didn't know Jacinto would ever make an interesting topic. Goodnight, Andres. I'll be taking my leave now, goodbye." And she took her leave.
"Farewell, Clara." Bonifacio said after her. She waved behind her as she disappeared from the entrance.
She was already a few meters away from his tent when she realized something, she tried to turn back but the guards forbade her from entering again, "Andres! That was unfair! You tricked me! We're not finished talking yet! I'll be back tomorrow!"
Emilio Aguinaldo watched from the window of his office as Clara shouted at Bonifacio outside the man's tent. She seemed so full of life when she was with Bonifacio, but in his presence, she was cold and untouchable. He wondered deep in his heart if he was doing the right thing. The girl had admitted that she had looked upon Bonifacio like some sort of father figure. And it was his 'motherland' he was talking about. The decision to eliminate such a man like Bonifacio would certainly put a ravine between him and Clara. But what can he do?
He looked at the men currently present in his office. Generals Noriel and del Pilar, both of whom used to be from Bonifacio's flock, were the ones who were adamantly persuading him to finalize the decision to execute Bonifacio. He had been refusing since he had given his word to Clara. The court decision was still in his hands. As long as the document was still whole, the responsibility would be his.
"The revolution has no need for two leaders! There's only one seat for the president, which Señor Aguinaldo has won! A divided revolution would bring doom to us all! We must not repeat the same mistake as our ancestors. Bonifacio should be eliminated as soon as possible. He's a threat to our cause." Noriel insisted.
Ricarte glared at him, "Have you no shame, Mariano? The man has already been dragged through your phony court. He's been forced to stand in shame. What more could the people gain from following a man the government clearly despises? Once the man moves out of Cavite, I doubt he'd ever pose a problem to any of you. We do not have to kill each other over something like power. The revolution is our concern, not your dirty politics!" he reasoned out.
Aguinaldo could feel a headache coming. His carefully built position or Clara?
By the end of the meeting, Aguinaldo had allowed the decision to stand. On May 10, Major Lazaro Makapagal who had acted as secretary of the court martial will carry out Noriel's order of execution.
I'm sorry, Clara.
Clara was already suspicious the second night they refused her entry to Bonifacio's tent.
"Sorry, Señorita Clara, but General Aguinaldo had prohibited visitors tonight. Please go back to your quarters, it is late." said the guard to her when she tried to bring in food to Andres as well as force him to let her clean his wounds.
"But last night you said tonight will be okay. What's going on here?" she glared at the poor guard.
The guard seemed nervous, "Please take your complaints to General Aguinaldo. I'm just following orders."
Clara huffed impatiently before turning to find Aguinaldo. The man is probably still in his office catching up on his work. Clara was aware of the military reverses Aguinaldo had been doing for the past few days. He was losing more and more battles as the revolution intensifies. The Spanish were surprisingly gaining more ground. She had a sneaking suspicion that her father was on the front lines again. She needed to resolve this mess as soon as possible so she could go help in the front lines.
She was walking in the hallway when she heard people approaching in the opposite direction. It was Daniel Tirona and some random Katipunero. She instantly hid herself in a dark corner and tried to wait until Tirona was out of sight. Really, there was no need to hide from Tirona, but the past few days that she was forced to be in his presence weren't pleasant experiences. It seems he held a grudge when she didn't stop Bonifacio from threatening to shoot him for the second time. Well, it's not like she missed any amount of attention from him.
"It's a good thing that incompetent fool is getting what he's been asking for at last. Let's celebrate, my friend. Tonight, the pretentious 'bodegero' dies!" Tirona laughed as he and his companion disappeared around the corner.
Clara was frozen in her corner. There was only one man in the world that Tirona hates more than anyone. But didn't Aguinaldo allow Bonifacio to live? When he told her to 'do as you wish', that meant he's not going to execute Andres anymore, right? Then why is Tirona saying that Andres will die tonight? Are they trying to keep everything a secret from her, the reason why they won't let her see Bonifacio anymore? Clara felt anger and hatred well up inside her. She fisted her hands and hit it against the wall behind her continuously. Not able to calm herself down, she stalked out of her hiding place, ignoring the stares she got from people who were loitering the hallway leading to Aguinaldo's office. She ignored Ricarte calling out her name and marched right into Aguinaldo's office, slamming the door open, startling Aguinaldo from his paper work.
Aguinaldo looked up from his work and right into the fuming girl slowly making her way towards him, with some of his generals following behind her. Ricarte was busily trying to get her to calm down but to no avail, Clara's attention was on Aguinaldo alone. He swallowed, "What can I do for you at this hour, Señorita Clara?" he remained seated, not really wanting to get within arms' reach of the girl.
"You lied to me! You said you're going to let him live! Where is he? Where did you take him?" she asked a bit shakily, she could feel restraining hands on her shoulders and arms but she just stood her ground. She knew it won't do her any good if she blows. Even in this situation, there are still some rules to upkeep.
No sound came from Aguinaldo. Clara sighed and looked up, the tears were coming again. "I really wanted to trust you, Aguinaldo. I really tried. But you're just not-," she trailed off when she saw the look on his face. He looks like he's also containing his anger too.
"What am I not, Clara? Go on, tell me." he said in a stern voice.
She could no longer stop her tears from falling. She bit her lip, looked anywhere but Aguinaldo's eyes and was reduced to sobbing briefly into her hands. She felt the hands on her arms and shoulders slowly fall. Finally, she looked back at Aguinaldo, red eyes meeting his cold ones, "You're not like him. You'll never be like him." She turned and fled the building.
The cold night air soothed her as she made her way to where the horses were fettered. She was no longer crying when she walked past the keeper of the horses and did not bother waking him up either from his slumber. She did not bother saddling the horse she picked. She just mounted on it and rode off. It was a wonder the keeper did not awoke when the horse whinnied. She was about to get out of the camp when Ricarte suddenly appeared in the way and she had to stop before she crushed him.
"Get away, Señor Ricarte. I wouldn't want to trample you." She said, trying to keep the calm in her voice. It was Ricarte after all. Even if he turned sides, he was still a man worth her respect.
"Am I to assume that you already know where to find him?" Ricarte answered plainly, his hands behind him, making him look like some kind of teacher.
Clara looked away, "No, but I'm certainly getting out of this hellhole." She let the horse move forward a few feet to get Ricarte to get out of her way.
Ricarte sighed and moved aside. "I tried to plead for his life but I failed. They took him to Mt. Buntis in Maragondon before sunset. I highly doubt you'd make it in time. It has been three hours already. Are you still going to find him at this hour?"
"It's been that long?!? I must get going. Goodbye, Señor Ricarte." She patted the horse.
"Wait, silly girl. At least take these with you. Are you planning to grope around in the dark?" He presented to her the knapsack he had been holding behind him the whole time. She reached out and took them. "There's a lamp, matches, and a gun and bolo inside. No need to return them to me afterwards. I highly doubt we'd see each other soon." He gave her a reassuring smile and salute. "Take care of yourself, Señorita Clara."
Even if she really needed to get going, she jumped down from the horse and gave the middle-aged man a hug which he returned, "Thank you. Take care of yourself too, lolo. Thank you for trying to save Andres. I'd take my leave now." She gave him a smile before mounting back on the horse and kicking the horse into a full run.
"May the good Lord watch over you, Filipinas!" he called after her and waited until she was swallowed by the night.
"Oh no, someone stole a horse!" panted the keeper of the horses when he reached Ricarte.
Ricarte gave him a pat on the shoulder, "My good man, say anything about this and you'd be fired."
It was so dark she was finding it hard to see where she was going when all she could see were silhouettes. It was a cloudy night and she could practically see nothing when the moon gets covered by some cloud, not like the little light she could get from the moon was enough. She wanted to light the lamp in her knapsack but it's hard to keep balance in a horse with no saddle. She should have at least fitted a saddle to the horse. Good thing her skirts were thick or she would have been hurting so much right now.
She had already accepted the fact that there was no chance that she'd ever find Bonifacio alive. She had been too late. So what's the purpose of trying to find him in the dark when he's probably buried in a grave right now? It seems some part of her still seem to want to see his corpse for herself. Maybe for proper closure? To say sorry for being a dead weight to him and Jacinto? What could she possibly do anymore when she sees his dead body? Tear her eyes and hair out? Scream in anguish like she did when Rizal died? Why can't she just accept the fact that there was nothing more she can do for him? She can't save him like she would have wanted.
Farewell, Clara.
Had he known that would be the last time she'd see him alive? She's crying again. No, it was just because of the wind blasting in her face as she sped up that made her eyes hurt. There's no more reason to cry. She can't keep showing weakness like this whenever someone dies. She's in the middle of a fucking war, everyone she cares about fights in the war, how could she not expect them to die sooner or later? She had prepared herself to make sacrifices when she entered the front lines, when she had her own troops to lead. She shouldn't cry for Bonifacio when she had never cried for the thousand nameless others who had died before he did. They should have all been equal in her eyes, because all they could give her was their life, nothing more, nothing less than what Rizal, Andres, and a thousand others had. She realized she shouldn't have said those words to Aguinaldo. She should stop trying to find Andres in him. As much as she was angry at him, she resolved to apologize to him the next time they meet. He's her boss, they're bound to meet sooner or later, whether she wins or loses this battle.
After two hours, she was sure she had reached Mt. Buntis. She slowed down a bit to let the horse rest a little. She knew looking for a newly mounted grave or a corpse wouldn't be as easy as she thought it would be when she set out. Mountains are always huge and vast. Not to add the fact that it's also night time.
She let the horse walk along the beaten path used by the farmers living in the mountains to go down to the town of Maragondon to sell their produce. Now that she was here, she actually had no idea where to start searching. And it's scary. Back in the days before the colonization, she used to believe in 'aswang' and 'engkanto', the so-called pagan creatures. But they were not make-belief, she had seen some of them, especially the elves and 'nuno'. They were the first creatures she ever saw when she was born a really long time ago. She had lived among them before she found the first settlers from Asia. Her people had regressed from believing in them since the spread of Christianity in the islands.
After another thirty minutes, she could see a light ahead of her. It was a farmer on his carabao. What he's still doing out at this hour, she had no idea. She decided to ask if he'd seen a small procession of men going into the mountain.
It was just her luck when the farmer seemed to contemplate, it took some time but he answered, "No, but I did see about five men hacking someone in a hammock about a mile from here. I was passing by to go to my friend's funeral in his house up here when I saw them near the river from the road." He pointed to the river running down in the ravine on the other side of the road. "Just follow that. I didn't check where they put him. It wasn't such a pleasant sight to see. I was thinking not to go back tonight in case they ambush me but I promised my wife I'd get back tonight." The farmer explained quite happily, as if he never felt threatened at all.
Clara found it a bit odd but thanked him nonetheless. She tried giving him the gun Ricarte had given her in case the farmer is still wary of being ambushed. "Ah, no, no. The Guardia Civil always freeloads on our dinner table. If they find a gun at my house, they'd send me to jail. Be careful with that gun, señorita." He waved a dismissive hand and got moving, leaving her staring after him.
"Thank you, ginoo." She shouted after him before leading her horse down the slope on the side of the road to the river. If she follows the river, she might see where they killed Bonifacio.
She lit the lamp and used it to search for anything. Clothes, blood stains, anything that could tell her that humans have been there a bit earlier. She can't help but think back on what the farmer had said as she waded through the river; five men stabbing someone on a hammock. Someone too weak to even stand that he had to be carried on a hammock. Someone who had sustained wounds that were left untreated for days. And that someone is Bonifacio. She almost can't believe that the man she had spent the last six years of her life with had gone down like that.
When she was sure she had gone up a mile, she dismounted from the horse and started searching the ground. She used the lamp to illuminate the area, looking for mounds or anything. She didn't notice that she had gone a hundred more meters before she saw a rock stained with blotches of red. She raised her lamp and gasped in horror. There were two bodies a few feet in front of her, lying exactly at the place, where she supposed, they were killed. She went to the one closest to her. The corpse was lying on its stomach so she had to turn it over. It was cold like she had expected it to, and a little stiff. She looked at the face of the corpse. She recognized it as Bonifacio's brother, Procopio. She gently laid him back on the grass and called out in the dark in a shaky voice, "A-andres?!" she hurried over to the other body.
She stared at Bonifacio's mangled corpse, as if her brain and all her senses had stopped functioning. She had known she would just end up crying when she confirms his death, but she never expected that she'd be petrified that even the tears won't come. His clothes were crisp dry with blood. He was still in the hammock, not a limb out of it. He was lying perfectly, like he was just sleeping. She couldn't count the stabs that had killed him, she figured that even one would have done him in just the same. There was no need to stab him too much she could not even decipher spaces between the hacks. And his face, his normally creased eyebrows, were stretched out just fine. And his mouth, the one that used to scold her and Jacinto, were closed tight. Clara concluded, with just a little more effort, he would have died with a smile on his face. In death, the man looked as regal as he did when she first met him.
"What a face you have in death, Andres. If I had known earlier, I would have teased you about it." she looked at the cloudy sky while tapping her foot on the ground like she did when she was getting impatient, but right now, she just wanted to do that, Andres did it too when Jacinto was exceedingly clingy to her, "What the hell am I supposed to do again now? I guess I just don't have luck with men. It's either they're my father, lives somewhere far, or dies on me. Why can't anybody stay on my side as long as I want them to? I know I don't act like the average Filipina, but I do try sometimes, because I've been told to, mind you, but that can't be the reason, could it? I'm starting to speak nonsense again just to keep myself occupied with other things and then I'd proceed to deny the fact that you've died and I'm all alone. I don't even have any idea as to why I even tried finding you, but seeing that they didn't even have the decency to bury you, it's a good thing I did."
"How do you feel about my half-assed eulogy? This is the only funeral available at this moment, Andres. I'm sorry I'm the only one attending. I honestly don't know how I'll find Jacinto after this. Did I ever tell how much I'll miss you and the father figure I have built in you?" she looked repentantly at his corpse and fell to the ground on her bottom, hugging her knees close to her like she always did when she felt like hiding but had no other means to, and buried her face in the fold of her arms.
"I bet you've also felt that I was looking for my father in you, because you also started treating me like a daughter halfway there. You showed me the love you could have given to your own child. I'm not your real daughter, and we both know that I'd return to my own father once this war is over. That's the reason I loved you. You've enriched my life far more than anybody could have. You treated me as your own but never bound me. You gave me a taste of the freedom I yearned for. There were no restrictions, maybe a few rules that were always overlooked because of some idiot we both know, and lots and lots of different people, with different lives, different stories to tell, lives to lead, and different choices, too."
"This is the life I chose on my own, right? But why is everything still so wrong? I still keep making the same mistakes no matter how hard I try to avoid them." she looked at him, wiping her tears with the back of her hand. "God, I'm so useless."
She stopped talking for a few minutes, listening to the crickets, the frogs, the night owls and flow of the river, breathing into the cup of her own hands.
"There were so many things I wish I had told you and many more that I wish you would be there so I could tell you as it happens so you'd know just how much I like it when you listen to me. I love you, Andres. As a friend, as a daughter and as your country. The country you had fought for and died for. I'd make this country the nation you had dreamed of." She stared at his face for a long time before she stood up and started collecting branches, leaves and twigs and piling them on top of the two corpses. She kept the two apart so she could put their ashes in separate plots.
By midnight, the corpses were on fire. She had used the gas inside the lamp to spread the fire faster, consuming the corpses as the cold mountain breezes fanned them higher. Clara sat on top of the horse which was standing on a shallower part of the river, watching the whole proceeding, not minding the scorching heat, the smoke and the cold winds. She kept her eyes on the corpses as the fire slowly ate at them. She felt her heart clenching as the fires fully consumed Andres.
Hey, Andres, do you think Rizal went to heaven?
I don't think so…you've listened to a friar have mass before, right? Only Spaniards could go to heaven. Indios have a stopover in purgatory before we go straight to hell.
Hahahahaha...what do you think heaven looks like?
A place…like my country.
"I wonder if a place like that can exist down here. That place humans call 'heaven'." she whispered.
As morning rolled on, the fires have gone down to embers, and the bodies were gone. Clara collected the remains and buried them in shallow graves because she only had the bolo and her bare hands to work with after all. She said a little prayer before putting the soil back in each grave and marking it with twigs and stones.
"Farewell, Andres."
She mounted her horse and started her search for Jacinto.
Historical facts: Argh…I won't be writing this anymore, it's tiring. I hope you know that not all things are accurate when Hetalia-fied. So when in doubt, consult a historical book. Cause we're all grown up here, I bet you could read a good historical book. I try hard to keep to the facts, though. So don't worry much.