"Sister Teresa called me Mr McClane in the Third Grade. My friends call me John... and you're neither shithead"

My darlin' miss Moo, I'd give my life away! You know, I love November. Month 11. Novembre.  It's my favorite month of the year. What's so fucking special about November anyways you dipshit? Hey there, there's so much to enjoy from this ( Read more... )

"Oh hey! Skidmark Steve! You still just hangin' out, playin' Nintendo ( Read more... )

"Your dad could sell a ketchup Popsicle to a woman in white gloves ( Read more... )

"No, it's not. It's fucking Sunday. And I've got to go to fucking work in four fucking hours 'cos every other fucker in my fucking department is fucking ill! Now can you see why I'm SO FUCKING ANGRY ( Read more... )

"[narrating] Janie's a pretty typical teenager. Angry, insecure, confused. I wish I could tell her that's all going to pass, but I don't want to lie to her ( Read more... )

"There was nothing wrong with it... until I was about 12 years old and that no-talent ass clown became famous and started winning Grammys. No way. Why should I change? He's the one who sucks ( Read more... )

"[after he pokes a girl with a pin] Oh, I'm sorry, did my pin get in the way of your ass? Do me a favor and lose five pounds immediately or get out of my building like now ( Read more... )

"7's the key number here. Think about it. 7-Elevens. 7 doors. 7, man, that's the number. 7 chipmunks twirlin' on a branch, eatin' lots of sunflowers on my uncle's ranch. You know that old children's tale from the sea. It's like you're dreamin' about Gorgonzola cheese when it's clearly Brie time, baby. Step into my office. 'Cause you're fuckin' ( Read more... )

"[handing the waiter a coupon] I'll have the chicken-fried steak and she'll have something of equal or lesser value ( Read more... )

"I'll be in the neighborhood later on, and I was wondering if maybe you wanted to get some frozen yogurt, or perhaps a whole meal of food, if that would be agreeable. Damnit ( Read more... )