Philanthropy! The Musical (Part 2)
Part 1
SCENE 3.
(SHADOW MOSES. The scene opens on the backstage of the theater, and there's a raucous party in full swing. The centerpiece is MERYL, securely tied to a chair and gagged as well. She looks less than happy. The booze is flowing freely, and the PLAYERS are enjoying themselves mightily. SERBER is attempting to start a game of charades while leaning against the relocated prop table; GELLER alternates between watching MERYL and threatening SERBER when he gets to close to the props. Whenever GELLER's attention is off her, MERYL subtly tests the strength of her bonds. The rest of the PLAYERS, absent OCTAVIUS, are ignoring them and playing craps. Or, at least, throwing dice haphazardly on the ground while drinking.)
LADY
(She's rolling the dice.) Come to mama...yes!
WOLFF
Another win. What a surprise.
AVES
(He reaches into his pocket for some more cash and grimaces.) Anyone seen the boss lately?
SERBER
Nope. Lucky for this one. (He gestures towards MERYL.)
TRAMP
More than she knows. (He takes LADY by the arm and stalks towards MERYL, who flinches away. Music begins to play.) But you've heard of him, haven't you? You should know exactly how much trouble you're in.
(To the tune of "Mack the Knife")
OH THE WILDCAT HAS SHARP CLAWS, DEAR
AND A BITE THAT CUTS THROUGH BONE
TAKE THAT WILDCAT FROM THE WILD
AND HE'LL JUST MAKE THE TOWN HIS OWN
GIVE THAT WILDCAT A REVOLVER
AND HE'LL NEVER MISS A SHOT
HE'S A SCHEMING PRINCE OF CRIME, DEAR
AND THEY CALL HIM OCELOT
LADY
WHEN THE BARS ARE DRY AS EGYPT
AND THE FUZZ BREATHE DOWN YOUR NECK
THEN IT'S TIME FOR DESPERATE MEASURES
AND SOMEONE TO KEEP 'EM ALL IN CHECK
HE WILL SERVE YOU WITH A SMILE
BUT YOU'D BETTER, BETTER NOT STAND IN HIS WAY
COPS AND ROBBERS ALL TRY TO BEST HIM
BUT THE WILDCAT ALWAYS GETS HIS PREY
(Dance break! While LADY and TRAMP hoof it, OCELOT strolls in and tips MERYL's chin up. He smiles unpleasantly.)
OCELOT
ALL THE CHIPS ARE IN MY CORNER
AND YOU'RE THE TRUMP CARD UP MY SLEEVE
NOW THAT DADDY'S IN MY POCKET
YOU'D BETTER NOT EXPECT TO LEAVE
OCELOT & THE PLAYERS
WE'RE IN THE CLEAR NOW! START THE PARTY
NOW WE KNOW WE WON'T GET CAUGHT
LET THE DRINKS FLOW IN CELEBRATION
RAISE YOUR GLASS TO OCELOT!
(The PLAYERS make a toast.)
AVES
What's the news, boss?
OCELOT
The Commissioner graciously agreed to continue our business relationship. For now, at least. (He runs a hand through MERYL'S hair.) I look forward to...convincing him if he changes his mind.
MERYL
Mmphgh--!
TRAMP
Care to join us for a drink?
OCELOT
I have some things to take care of first. (He walks towards a door on stage right.) Try not to pass out--remember what happened to Octavius last time.
GELLER
He was asking for it.
(OCELOT continues through the door, and the lights go down on the rest of the stage while the lights go up on his office. It's as opulent as the rest of the theater, and more well-preserved. He sits down at his desk as music starts playing; he quietly chuckles to himself and kicks his boots up on the desk.)
OCELOT
(To the tune of "Razzle Dazzle")
GIVE 'EM THE OLD RAZZLE DAZZLE
RAZZLE DAZZLE 'EM
JUST LET THEM THINK YOU'RE SHOCKED BY NEWS THEY BRING
THEY'LL NEVER KNOW YOU'VE PLANNED OUT EVERYTHING
SHOW 'EM THE OLD BLACKMAIL SHUFFLE
COERCE AND THREATEN 'EM
USE WHAT YOU'VE GOT TO GAIN THE UPPER HAND
WHEN EVERYONE IS IN YOUR POCKET
DO WHAT YOU WANT--WHO'S LEFT TO BLOCK IT?
RAZZLE DAZZLE 'EM--YOU'LL GET EVERY DEMAND
(OCTAVIUS knocks as the instrumental music continues on.)
OCELOT
C'mon in. (OCTAVIUS enters. OCELOT gets up and motions for him to close the door, which he does.) Back already? What's Campbell up to?
OCTAVIUS
Bad news, boss.
OCELOT
What?
OCTAVIUS
He's bringing in some hoods to get the doll. Call themselves Philanthropy. (He pulls a picture out of his pocket and hands it to OCELOT, who starts chuckling. OCTAVIUS looks at him, a little alarmed.) Boss?
OCELOT
We'll talk later. (He shoos OCTAVIUS out the door and addresses the picture.) I've been looking forward to meeting you again for a long time.
THROW 'EM THE OLD BAIT AND TACKLE
TRAP AND CAPTURE 'EM
SHOW 'EM A GIRL WHO'S YOUNG AND INNOCENT
HONOR DICTATES RESPONSE IS IMMINENT
GIVE 'EM THE OLD PUPPET THEATER
USE AND PLAY WITH 'EM
NUDGE THEM TO TAKE THEIR PART WITHIN THE DANCE
GIVE 'EM THE SHOT TO STOP MY FOUL PLANS
WATCH AS THEY PLAY RIGHT INTO MY HANDS
RAZZLE DAZZLE 'EM AND THEY DON'T STAND A CHANCE!
(OCELOT leans against his desk with a smirk, spinning his revolver as the lights fade to black.)
SCENE 4.
(SHADOW MOSES, exterior. It's night, and the stage is dimly lit. We see only the corner of Shadow Moses on stage left. On stage right, there is a street lamp, not visible from the building; PLISSKEN and EMMERICH, both dressed in drab grey, enter and stop by the streetlight. EMMERICH pulls out the theater blueprints from his pocket, and he and PLISSKEN look over them and examine the building. EMMERICH seems distracted, watching PLISSKEN more than he's looking at the plans.)
EMMERICH
You're completely clear on the plan, right?
PLISSKEN
Yes.
EMMERICH
And you know how to get past everyone?
PLISSKEN
Yes.
EMMERICH
And you'd better not get shot again.
PLISSKEN
Yes, mother. (After a moment) You be careful too. (He glances down awkwardly.) You, uh, don't have to be in the middle of things.
EMMERICH
Don't start, Dave. You know I'll follow you wherever you go.
PLISSKEN
(He looks up with a fond smile.) Yeah. I know.
(EMMERICH smiles back, but it falters after a second.)
You okay?
EMMERICH
Uh-- (He shakes his head, unable to come out and say it. Conveniently, music has started to play.)
(To the tune of "Someone to Watch Over Me")
THERE'S A SAYING OLD, SAYS THAT LOVE IS BLIND--
DON'T KNOW WHY IT'S TOLD, I CAN SEE JUST FINE--
PLISSKEN
(exasperated) Hal--
EMMERICH
HOLD ON! THERE'S SOMETHING THAT'S BEEN ON MY MIND...
EVERY DAY I THOUGHT, I WON'T SAY IT YET
NOW WE COULD GET CAUGHT BY OUR BIGGEST THREAT
IF WE DIE, I DON'T WANT TO HAVE THIS REGRET.
WE'VE BEEN TOGETHER SINCE FORMING PHILANTHROPY
BUT THERE'S STILL SOMETHING I'D CHANGE ABOUT YOU AND ME
PLISSKEN
Hal?
EMMERICH
(EMMERICH turns away.)
THERE'S A FRIEND OF MINE WHO'S SMART AND WHO'S BRAVE
HE'LL FIGHT TO THE GRAVE, JUST CAN'T BEHAVE
SOMEONE WHO'LL WATCH OVER ME.
I WAS JUST A SAP AFRAID OF IT ALL
NOW I STAND TALL; I FOUND MY CALL
CAUSE SOMEONE WATCHED OVER ME.
BY NOW YOU MUST HAVE THE IMPRESSION
I HAVE A CONFESSION
(EMMERICH finally turns around.)
TO MY HEART, YOU CARRY THE KEY
STANDING SIDE BY SIDE WE'VE BEEN THROUGH A LOT
NO MATTER WHAT, I'M GLAD I'VE GOT
SOMEONE TO WATCH OVER ME
(PLISSKEN has been quietly watching him. Now he takes EMMERICH'S hand and pulls him into a complex handshake, and, at the end, into a tight hug.)
PLISSKEN
(For the first time, he's actually singing.)
YOU KNOW I'M NO GOOD WITH EMOTION--
DECLARING DEVOTION--
BUT HAL, YOU'RE IMPORTANT TO ME
(He pulls away, hands on EMMERICH'S shoulders.)
STANDING SIDE BY SIDE WE'VE BEEN THROUGH A LOT
NO MATTER WHAT
I'M SO GLAD I'VE GOT
SOMEONE TO WATCH OVER ME
EMMERICH & PLISSKEN
SOMEONE TO WATCH OVER ME.
(And they kiss.)
EMMERICH
Ready?
PLISSKEN
Of course.
(The lights go dark except for a spotlight on PLISSKEN and EMMERICH as they crouch down and stealthily move across the stage. They duck into some bushes near the middle of the stage, and another spotlight turns on WOLFF guarding the theater entrance. A slow and quiet instrumental version of "Nagasaki" starts to play. We see WOLFF changing guard with TRAMP, and that's PLISSKEN'S cue. He sneaks past them, timing his movements perfectly to the rhythm of the background music. As he continues sneaking, a spotlight illuminates each new obstacle he comes across. He sneaks past LADY and then SERBER. AVES nearly spots PLISSKEN , but a distant bird call distracts him--and the spotlight comes up on EMMERICH making the call. The lights come up on a large room as PLISSKEN crouches right outside the door and EMMERICH pops up outside the back window. MERYL is tied to a chair in the middle of the room, and OCELOT and GELLER are standing guard. The music fades out as GELLER hums a melancholy tune. It's not long before OCELOT and MERYL find themselves humming it too.)
OCELOT
That tune's beginning to get on my nerves.
GELLER
We're even, then.
OCELOT
With such a charming personality, how'd you get stuck in this line of work? (He folds his arms.) Seriously. You don't even drink.
GELLER
Money. Sowing dissent in the masses. Making your life just a bit more unpleasant.
OCELOT
(He nods his head towards MERYL.) Pay attention.
(As GELLER and OCELOT talk, MERYL quietly shifts against the ropes holding her. She happens to glance back just as EMMERICH'S head briefly pops up in the back window. She stares, and a moment later, EMMERICH comes back into view. He waves at her. MERYL faces forward, and just in view of EMMERICH and the audience, moves her conspicuously unbound hand to her side and wiggles her fingers in a wave back. EMMERICH ducks out of view and MERYL moves her hand back behind her just as GELLER turns around.
GELLER
(Pointedly) Yes. She's still there.
(MERYL looks at a glass of water on a nearby table, then back at GELLER. He grumbles, but brings her the glass of water and undoes her gag. He's humming again.)
MERYL
(She awkwardly sips at the water--GELLER'S certainly not making it easy.) You know what you need? A new song.
(To the tune of "I Got Rhythm")
IN THE SPOTLIGHT
I'M NO ROOKIE
GELLER
(He grabs MERYL by the hair. OCELOT, curiously, does nothing.)
Stop that.
MERYL
TAKE A LOOK-SEE
AT MY ACT
GELLER
(In a whisper) I don't care what the boss says, if you don't stop--
(He's interrupted by a large crash outside the window. OCELOT runs to the window and fires several shots outside, and GELLER'S head whips around for a moment. This is enough time for MERYL to shrug the ropes from her hands and shove GELLER as hard as she can--directly into PLISSKEN, who dashed into the room with the noise. PLISSKEN draws his gun and knocks GELLER in the head with it; as GELLER is skinny and sickly, it doesn't end too well for him.)
OCELOT
Dammit--!
(He turns from the window just as PLISSKEN rushes him and knocks him to the ground. They wrestle for control of OCELOT'S revolver as MERYL undoes the ropes restraining her legs. PLISSKEN gains the upper hand and slides the revolver across the room, where the newly-free MERYL picks it up. PLISSKEN pins OCELOT to the ground and points his own gun at OCELOT'S stomach. OCELOT only laughs.)
Not going for a quick kill?
(And then there's more of a commotion outside. EMMERICH pops up in the back window again and knocks on it to get MERYL'S attention. PLISSKEN keeps his eyes on OCELOT. EMMERICH mouths the word "Cops!" and ducks out of sight again. He quickly pops back to give MERYL a thumbs up.)
MERYL
My--uncle's coming. Let's go.
PLISSKEN
Yeah. (He unceremoniously knocks OCELOT out with the butt of his gun and goes over to MERYL.) You okay?
MERYL
(To the tune of "I Got Rhythm")
I GOT FREEDOM
WHO COULD ASK FOR ANYTHING MORE?
WHO COULD ASK FOR ANYTHING MORE?
(She holds a hand out to PLISSKEN.) Meryl.
PLISSKEN
(He shakes her hand.) Plissken. Ever think of going into vigilantism?
MERYL
(She looks at him incredulously.) Do you say that to every doll in the police force?
PLISSKEN
C'mon--there's a friend of mine you should meet. (They climb out the window.)
(A moment after they leave, OCELOT enters from the other side of the stage. He looks down at what appears to be his own unconscious body.)
OCELOT
Not bad, Octavius. (Stepping over OCTAVIUS, he goes over to the window and peers outside.) Until we meet again, Philanthropy. (He turns and leisurely strolls offstage, unholstering his revolver to twirl it as he goes--
turn off the program right now
"--aaaagk!" Jack hazily groped at his hair, noting the distinct lack of VR helmet in the way. "What--"
"Heh," said a voice to the side of him. As Jack's vision cleared, the shape of Hal holding the VR helmet swam into view. Hal was very, very red. "You, uh, weren't supposed to see that one."
"Hal." Jack started to say something, then just shook his head. "That was the gayest thing I've ever seen."
Hal managed to blush even more. "Uh--"
"And that's counting some of those Japanimes you brought to movie night."
"Okay, this program is getting password protected right now." Still carrying the helmet, Hal headed for the door.
Jack sniggered. "Hey, Hal? Why didn't you give me a part?"
"Oh good, you didn't get to Act II then."
"Hal--"
"Gotta go. See you!"
"Hal!"
Notes
- Sweet zombie Jesus, I never ever want to put a script into LJ format again.
- Appropriately enough, Ocelot's role got bigger and more convoluted every time I worked on this.
- My metal Octavius sounds like Quinton Flynn. I'm not sure why.
- Geller bitching at not!Ocelot is, of course, inspired by Gigaville.
- In Act II, we discover that Ocelot is actually reporting to the mysterious pair of mobsters known only as the Sears brothers. And how is Jack, the new recruit for Philanthropy, connected to them? IT'S A MYSTERY
SCENE 3.
(SHADOW MOSES. The scene opens on the backstage of the theater, and there's a raucous party in full swing. The centerpiece is MERYL, securely tied to a chair and gagged as well. She looks less than happy. The booze is flowing freely, and the PLAYERS are enjoying themselves mightily. SERBER is attempting to start a game of charades while leaning against the relocated prop table; GELLER alternates between watching MERYL and threatening SERBER when he gets to close to the props. Whenever GELLER's attention is off her, MERYL subtly tests the strength of her bonds. The rest of the PLAYERS, absent OCTAVIUS, are ignoring them and playing craps. Or, at least, throwing dice haphazardly on the ground while drinking.)
LADY
(She's rolling the dice.) Come to mama...yes!
WOLFF
Another win. What a surprise.
AVES
(He reaches into his pocket for some more cash and grimaces.) Anyone seen the boss lately?
SERBER
Nope. Lucky for this one. (He gestures towards MERYL.)
TRAMP
More than she knows. (He takes LADY by the arm and stalks towards MERYL, who flinches away. Music begins to play.) But you've heard of him, haven't you? You should know exactly how much trouble you're in.
(To the tune of "Mack the Knife")
OH THE WILDCAT HAS SHARP CLAWS, DEAR
AND A BITE THAT CUTS THROUGH BONE
TAKE THAT WILDCAT FROM THE WILD
AND HE'LL JUST MAKE THE TOWN HIS OWN
GIVE THAT WILDCAT A REVOLVER
AND HE'LL NEVER MISS A SHOT
HE'S A SCHEMING PRINCE OF CRIME, DEAR
AND THEY CALL HIM OCELOT
LADY
WHEN THE BARS ARE DRY AS EGYPT
AND THE FUZZ BREATHE DOWN YOUR NECK
THEN IT'S TIME FOR DESPERATE MEASURES
AND SOMEONE TO KEEP 'EM ALL IN CHECK
HE WILL SERVE YOU WITH A SMILE
BUT YOU'D BETTER, BETTER NOT STAND IN HIS WAY
COPS AND ROBBERS ALL TRY TO BEST HIM
BUT THE WILDCAT ALWAYS GETS HIS PREY
(Dance break! While LADY and TRAMP hoof it, OCELOT strolls in and tips MERYL's chin up. He smiles unpleasantly.)
OCELOT
ALL THE CHIPS ARE IN MY CORNER
AND YOU'RE THE TRUMP CARD UP MY SLEEVE
NOW THAT DADDY'S IN MY POCKET
YOU'D BETTER NOT EXPECT TO LEAVE
OCELOT & THE PLAYERS
WE'RE IN THE CLEAR NOW! START THE PARTY
NOW WE KNOW WE WON'T GET CAUGHT
LET THE DRINKS FLOW IN CELEBRATION
RAISE YOUR GLASS TO OCELOT!
(The PLAYERS make a toast.)
AVES
What's the news, boss?
OCELOT
The Commissioner graciously agreed to continue our business relationship. For now, at least. (He runs a hand through MERYL'S hair.) I look forward to...convincing him if he changes his mind.
MERYL
Mmphgh--!
TRAMP
Care to join us for a drink?
OCELOT
I have some things to take care of first. (He walks towards a door on stage right.) Try not to pass out--remember what happened to Octavius last time.
GELLER
He was asking for it.
(OCELOT continues through the door, and the lights go down on the rest of the stage while the lights go up on his office. It's as opulent as the rest of the theater, and more well-preserved. He sits down at his desk as music starts playing; he quietly chuckles to himself and kicks his boots up on the desk.)
OCELOT
(To the tune of "Razzle Dazzle")
GIVE 'EM THE OLD RAZZLE DAZZLE
RAZZLE DAZZLE 'EM
JUST LET THEM THINK YOU'RE SHOCKED BY NEWS THEY BRING
THEY'LL NEVER KNOW YOU'VE PLANNED OUT EVERYTHING
SHOW 'EM THE OLD BLACKMAIL SHUFFLE
COERCE AND THREATEN 'EM
USE WHAT YOU'VE GOT TO GAIN THE UPPER HAND
WHEN EVERYONE IS IN YOUR POCKET
DO WHAT YOU WANT--WHO'S LEFT TO BLOCK IT?
RAZZLE DAZZLE 'EM--YOU'LL GET EVERY DEMAND
(OCTAVIUS knocks as the instrumental music continues on.)
OCELOT
C'mon in. (OCTAVIUS enters. OCELOT gets up and motions for him to close the door, which he does.) Back already? What's Campbell up to?
OCTAVIUS
Bad news, boss.
OCELOT
What?
OCTAVIUS
He's bringing in some hoods to get the doll. Call themselves Philanthropy. (He pulls a picture out of his pocket and hands it to OCELOT, who starts chuckling. OCTAVIUS looks at him, a little alarmed.) Boss?
OCELOT
We'll talk later. (He shoos OCTAVIUS out the door and addresses the picture.) I've been looking forward to meeting you again for a long time.
THROW 'EM THE OLD BAIT AND TACKLE
TRAP AND CAPTURE 'EM
SHOW 'EM A GIRL WHO'S YOUNG AND INNOCENT
HONOR DICTATES RESPONSE IS IMMINENT
GIVE 'EM THE OLD PUPPET THEATER
USE AND PLAY WITH 'EM
NUDGE THEM TO TAKE THEIR PART WITHIN THE DANCE
GIVE 'EM THE SHOT TO STOP MY FOUL PLANS
WATCH AS THEY PLAY RIGHT INTO MY HANDS
RAZZLE DAZZLE 'EM AND THEY DON'T STAND A CHANCE!
(OCELOT leans against his desk with a smirk, spinning his revolver as the lights fade to black.)
SCENE 4.
(SHADOW MOSES, exterior. It's night, and the stage is dimly lit. We see only the corner of Shadow Moses on stage left. On stage right, there is a street lamp, not visible from the building; PLISSKEN and EMMERICH, both dressed in drab grey, enter and stop by the streetlight. EMMERICH pulls out the theater blueprints from his pocket, and he and PLISSKEN look over them and examine the building. EMMERICH seems distracted, watching PLISSKEN more than he's looking at the plans.)
EMMERICH
You're completely clear on the plan, right?
PLISSKEN
Yes.
EMMERICH
And you know how to get past everyone?
PLISSKEN
Yes.
EMMERICH
And you'd better not get shot again.
PLISSKEN
Yes, mother. (After a moment) You be careful too. (He glances down awkwardly.) You, uh, don't have to be in the middle of things.
EMMERICH
Don't start, Dave. You know I'll follow you wherever you go.
PLISSKEN
(He looks up with a fond smile.) Yeah. I know.
(EMMERICH smiles back, but it falters after a second.)
You okay?
EMMERICH
Uh-- (He shakes his head, unable to come out and say it. Conveniently, music has started to play.)
(To the tune of "Someone to Watch Over Me")
THERE'S A SAYING OLD, SAYS THAT LOVE IS BLIND--
DON'T KNOW WHY IT'S TOLD, I CAN SEE JUST FINE--
PLISSKEN
(exasperated) Hal--
EMMERICH
HOLD ON! THERE'S SOMETHING THAT'S BEEN ON MY MIND...
EVERY DAY I THOUGHT, I WON'T SAY IT YET
NOW WE COULD GET CAUGHT BY OUR BIGGEST THREAT
IF WE DIE, I DON'T WANT TO HAVE THIS REGRET.
WE'VE BEEN TOGETHER SINCE FORMING PHILANTHROPY
BUT THERE'S STILL SOMETHING I'D CHANGE ABOUT YOU AND ME
PLISSKEN
Hal?
EMMERICH
(EMMERICH turns away.)
THERE'S A FRIEND OF MINE WHO'S SMART AND WHO'S BRAVE
HE'LL FIGHT TO THE GRAVE, JUST CAN'T BEHAVE
SOMEONE WHO'LL WATCH OVER ME.
I WAS JUST A SAP AFRAID OF IT ALL
NOW I STAND TALL; I FOUND MY CALL
CAUSE SOMEONE WATCHED OVER ME.
BY NOW YOU MUST HAVE THE IMPRESSION
I HAVE A CONFESSION
(EMMERICH finally turns around.)
TO MY HEART, YOU CARRY THE KEY
STANDING SIDE BY SIDE WE'VE BEEN THROUGH A LOT
NO MATTER WHAT, I'M GLAD I'VE GOT
SOMEONE TO WATCH OVER ME
(PLISSKEN has been quietly watching him. Now he takes EMMERICH'S hand and pulls him into a complex handshake, and, at the end, into a tight hug.)
PLISSKEN
(For the first time, he's actually singing.)
YOU KNOW I'M NO GOOD WITH EMOTION--
DECLARING DEVOTION--
BUT HAL, YOU'RE IMPORTANT TO ME
(He pulls away, hands on EMMERICH'S shoulders.)
STANDING SIDE BY SIDE WE'VE BEEN THROUGH A LOT
NO MATTER WHAT
I'M SO GLAD I'VE GOT
SOMEONE TO WATCH OVER ME
EMMERICH & PLISSKEN
SOMEONE TO WATCH OVER ME.
(And they kiss.)
EMMERICH
Ready?
PLISSKEN
Of course.
(The lights go dark except for a spotlight on PLISSKEN and EMMERICH as they crouch down and stealthily move across the stage. They duck into some bushes near the middle of the stage, and another spotlight turns on WOLFF guarding the theater entrance. A slow and quiet instrumental version of "Nagasaki" starts to play. We see WOLFF changing guard with TRAMP, and that's PLISSKEN'S cue. He sneaks past them, timing his movements perfectly to the rhythm of the background music. As he continues sneaking, a spotlight illuminates each new obstacle he comes across. He sneaks past LADY and then SERBER. AVES nearly spots PLISSKEN , but a distant bird call distracts him--and the spotlight comes up on EMMERICH making the call. The lights come up on a large room as PLISSKEN crouches right outside the door and EMMERICH pops up outside the back window. MERYL is tied to a chair in the middle of the room, and OCELOT and GELLER are standing guard. The music fades out as GELLER hums a melancholy tune. It's not long before OCELOT and MERYL find themselves humming it too.)
OCELOT
That tune's beginning to get on my nerves.
GELLER
We're even, then.
OCELOT
With such a charming personality, how'd you get stuck in this line of work? (He folds his arms.) Seriously. You don't even drink.
GELLER
Money. Sowing dissent in the masses. Making your life just a bit more unpleasant.
OCELOT
(He nods his head towards MERYL.) Pay attention.
(As GELLER and OCELOT talk, MERYL quietly shifts against the ropes holding her. She happens to glance back just as EMMERICH'S head briefly pops up in the back window. She stares, and a moment later, EMMERICH comes back into view. He waves at her. MERYL faces forward, and just in view of EMMERICH and the audience, moves her conspicuously unbound hand to her side and wiggles her fingers in a wave back. EMMERICH ducks out of view and MERYL moves her hand back behind her just as GELLER turns around.
GELLER
(Pointedly) Yes. She's still there.
(MERYL looks at a glass of water on a nearby table, then back at GELLER. He grumbles, but brings her the glass of water and undoes her gag. He's humming again.)
MERYL
(She awkwardly sips at the water--GELLER'S certainly not making it easy.) You know what you need? A new song.
(To the tune of "I Got Rhythm")
IN THE SPOTLIGHT
I'M NO ROOKIE
GELLER
(He grabs MERYL by the hair. OCELOT, curiously, does nothing.)
Stop that.
MERYL
TAKE A LOOK-SEE
AT MY ACT
GELLER
(In a whisper) I don't care what the boss says, if you don't stop--
(He's interrupted by a large crash outside the window. OCELOT runs to the window and fires several shots outside, and GELLER'S head whips around for a moment. This is enough time for MERYL to shrug the ropes from her hands and shove GELLER as hard as she can--directly into PLISSKEN, who dashed into the room with the noise. PLISSKEN draws his gun and knocks GELLER in the head with it; as GELLER is skinny and sickly, it doesn't end too well for him.)
OCELOT
Dammit--!
(He turns from the window just as PLISSKEN rushes him and knocks him to the ground. They wrestle for control of OCELOT'S revolver as MERYL undoes the ropes restraining her legs. PLISSKEN gains the upper hand and slides the revolver across the room, where the newly-free MERYL picks it up. PLISSKEN pins OCELOT to the ground and points his own gun at OCELOT'S stomach. OCELOT only laughs.)
Not going for a quick kill?
(And then there's more of a commotion outside. EMMERICH pops up in the back window again and knocks on it to get MERYL'S attention. PLISSKEN keeps his eyes on OCELOT. EMMERICH mouths the word "Cops!" and ducks out of sight again. He quickly pops back to give MERYL a thumbs up.)
MERYL
My--uncle's coming. Let's go.
PLISSKEN
Yeah. (He unceremoniously knocks OCELOT out with the butt of his gun and goes over to MERYL.) You okay?
MERYL
(To the tune of "I Got Rhythm")
I GOT FREEDOM
WHO COULD ASK FOR ANYTHING MORE?
WHO COULD ASK FOR ANYTHING MORE?
(She holds a hand out to PLISSKEN.) Meryl.
PLISSKEN
(He shakes her hand.) Plissken. Ever think of going into vigilantism?
MERYL
(She looks at him incredulously.) Do you say that to every doll in the police force?
PLISSKEN
C'mon--there's a friend of mine you should meet. (They climb out the window.)
(A moment after they leave, OCELOT enters from the other side of the stage. He looks down at what appears to be his own unconscious body.)
OCELOT
Not bad, Octavius. (Stepping over OCTAVIUS, he goes over to the window and peers outside.) Until we meet again, Philanthropy. (He turns and leisurely strolls offstage, unholstering his revolver to twirl it as he goes--
turn off the program right now
"--aaaagk!" Jack hazily groped at his hair, noting the distinct lack of VR helmet in the way. "What--"
"Heh," said a voice to the side of him. As Jack's vision cleared, the shape of Hal holding the VR helmet swam into view. Hal was very, very red. "You, uh, weren't supposed to see that one."
"Hal." Jack started to say something, then just shook his head. "That was the gayest thing I've ever seen."
Hal managed to blush even more. "Uh--"
"And that's counting some of those Japanimes you brought to movie night."
"Okay, this program is getting password protected right now." Still carrying the helmet, Hal headed for the door.
Jack sniggered. "Hey, Hal? Why didn't you give me a part?"
"Oh good, you didn't get to Act II then."
"Hal--"
"Gotta go. See you!"
"Hal!"
Notes
- Sweet zombie Jesus, I never ever want to put a script into LJ format again.
- Appropriately enough, Ocelot's role got bigger and more convoluted every time I worked on this.
- My metal Octavius sounds like Quinton Flynn. I'm not sure why.
- Geller bitching at not!Ocelot is, of course, inspired by Gigaville.
- In Act II, we discover that Ocelot is actually reporting to the mysterious pair of mobsters known only as the Sears brothers. And how is Jack, the new recruit for Philanthropy, connected to them? IT'S A MYSTERY