For technophile: Philanthropy! The Musical (Part 1)
- NAME:
JH
- GIFT FOR:
technophile
- PROMPT:
Snake and Otacon are vigilantes in the 1920's during the Prohibition. Ocelot is smuggling illegal Canadian liquor into Chicago, and it's up to Philanthropy to stop them. Broadway musical style please, complete with dance numbers.
- SIDE NOTES:
Contains Snake/Otacon and numerous musical numbers. Relatedly, I present to you Philanthropy! (Original Fanfic Cast). It has all the songs I used in the fic, along with some bonuses because they are awesome. Poke me if it doesn't work.
Philanthropy!
The Musical
ACT 1.
SCENE 1.
(SHADOW MOSES, 1920's. We see the stage of Shadow Moses, a once opulent theater that looks like it's seen better days. And better inhabitants, too. The stage is populated by a smattering of actors and stage crew: collectively, the PLAYERS. Two dancers, LADY and TRAMP, are dressed in flamboyant costumes and practicing the Charleston. The dance probably doesn't call for them to press quite that close to each other. Near the front of the stage, there is a long prop table, props carefully set on one half; the other half contains AVES, a very large tattooed man, ANDERSON and WOLFF, both attractive people half in costume, and SERBER, an obese man who is neither. AVES is dealing a hand of poker while ANDERSON is taking surreptitious swigs from a bottle under the table. GELLER, a sickly-looking man wearing a surgical mask, meticulously fiddles with the props next to them. There is music playing.)
GELLER
Deal me in.
SERBER, ANDERSON, WOLFF, & AVES
No.
SERBER
(To the tune of "Fugue for Tinhorns")
I'VE GOT A WINNER HERE
YOUR CHIPS'LL DISAPPEAR
I CAN'T IMAGINE WHY YOU THINK YOU'LL PERSEVERE
GROW FAT, GROW FAT, I'LL LAUGH AND I WILL GROW FAT
I'VE WON, GROW FAT, GROW FAT, GROW FAT.
(SERBER continues singing as ANDERSON starts in.)
GROW FAT, GROW FAT, I'LL LAUGH AND I WILL GROW FAT
I'VE WON, GROW FAT, GROW FAT, GROW FAT.
(WOLFF comes in as SERVER and ANDERSON continue. SERBER waves LADY over, and she comes with TRAMP in tow.)
I KNOW THIS LUCKY DAME
SHE'LL HELP ME WIN THE GAME
WASTING HER PROFICIENCY WOULD BE SUCH A SHAME
GOOD LUCK, GOOD LUCK, THE LADY WILL GIVE ME LUCK
YOU'RE OUT OF LUCK, GOOD LUCK, GOOD LUCK
(LADY kisses her fingertips and presses then to SERBER'S cards.)
THIS HAND IS DYNAMITE
I'M GONNA WIN TONIGHT
AND IF YOU AREN'T CAREFUL THEN IT MIGHT JUST IGNITE
GROW FAT, GROW FAT, I'LL LAUGH AND I WILL GROW FAT
I'VE WON, GROW FAT, GROW FAT, GROW FAT.
ANDERSON
(ANDERSON doesn't let singing distract him from unsuccessfully trying to peek at his fellow players' cards.)
HERE, HAVE A DRINK ON ME
I'LL LET YOU TRY FOR FREE
IT TASTES MUCH BETTER WHEN IT'S HAD ILLEGALLY
DRINK UP, DRINK UP, WE'VE GOT IT SO LET'S DRINK UP
ENJOY, DRINK UP, DRINK UP, DRINK UP.
(WOLFF starts singing as ANDERSON & SERBER continue.)
SURE YOU DON'T WANT A TASTE?
THIS STUFF CAN'T BE REPLACED
THE ONLY HOOCH IN TOWN HAD BETTER NOT GO TO WASTE
ONE SIP, ONE SIP, A LITTLE TO WET YOUR LIP
YOU'D LOVE A SIP, ONE SIP, ONE SIP.
JUST HAVE A DRINK ON ME
I'LL LET YOU TRY FOR FREE
IT TASTES MUCH BETTER WHEN IT'S HAD ILLEGALLY
DRINK UP, DRINK UP, WE'VE GOT IT SO LET'S DRINK UP
WOLFF
I HAVE AN EYE FOR TRICKS
AND PLAYERS' TELLING TICS
BUT WATCH ME ALL YOU WANT, YOU'LL NEVER KNOW WHAT I PICK
STAY CALM, STAY CALM, I'LL WIN THIS SINCE I STAY CALM
SO STILL AND CALM, STAY CALM, STAY CALM
GO ON AND TRY TO BLUFF
TRY GIVING ME THE GUFF
YOU'RE SURE TO TIP YOUR HAND IF I JUST WAIT LONG ENOUGH
I'LL WAIT, I'LL WAIT, YOU'LL GIVE IT UP IF I WAIT
I'LL WATCH AND WAIT, I'LL WAIT, I'LL WAIT
I'LL NEVER MISS YOUR TRICKS
NOR ANY TELLING TICS
BUT WATCH ME ALL YOU WANT, YOU'LL NEVER KNOW WHAT I PICK
WOLFF
WATCH AND WAIT
ANDERSON
HAVE A SIP
SERBER
DISAPPEAR
WOLFF, ANDERSON, & SERBER
I'VE GOT A WINNER--
GELLER
(GELLER interrupts right before the last note. He points to SERBER,) He's bluffing, (then to WOLFF,) she's about to fold, (and then to ANDERSON.) and he's not bright enough to know when he's won. (The others stare at him.)
AVES
This is why we won't deal you in.
MAY (offstage)
Hello? (Everyone's attention snaps to MAY as she enters and approaches Shadow Moses' stage--she's a pretty young flapper looking around the theater with wonder. She seems excessively earnest.) You're the Re-Mi-Do-Do-Sol troupe, right? I've heard so much about you! (As she comes closer to the stage, she notices Anderson with surprise.) Mister Don Anderson? From Broadway?
ANDERSON
(He stands up and bows.) The one and only, my dear. And you are?
MAY
(She excitedly makes her way onstage.) May. May Silverburgh. I always wanted to be an actress, and I've heard all about you, and since you're in town... (She trails off, not noticing the scrutiny she's getting from everyone except the pleasantly smiling ANDERSON.) Well, are you accepting new members?
WOLFF
(After a moment.) Well. You can audition.
MAY
(To the tune of "I Got Rhythm". As MAY sings and dances, the PLAYERS watch and quietly whisper to each other. GELLER and ANDERSON seem to be starting much of the whispering.)
I GOT RHYTHM
I GOT MUSIC
I GOT ACTING
WHO COULD ASK FOR ANYTHING MORE?
I GOT A CHANCE
TO AUDITION
I GOT YOUR EAR
WHO COULD ASK FOR ANYTHING MORE?
IN THE SPOTLIGHT
I'M NO ROOKIE
TAKE A LOOK-SEE
AT MY ACT
I GOT BIG HOPES
I GOT BIG DREAMS
I GOT FREEDOM
WHO COULD ASK FOR ANYTHING MORE?
WHO COULD ASK FOR ANYTHING MORE?
WOLFF
(As the song ends, ANDERSON mutters something in WOLFF'S ear. She nods.)
Not bad. We'd like you to stay with us for a while.
MAY
Oh, peachy keen!
WOLFF
Let me introduce you to the others. (She gestures to the PLAYERS as she introduces them.) You know Don. I'm Lydia Wolff, another actor. Tramp and Lady Luck are two of our dancers. Then we have the backstage crew--Serber, our special effects man; Geller, our propmaster. (AVES has been moving closer to MAY as WOLFF has been speaking. He suddenly grabs MAY from behind, effectively keeping her from moving.) Oh, yes. Aves, our stagehand.
MAY
What--
ANDERSON
(He's decidedly less friendly now.) And now we'll ask again who you are. Truthfully, this time.
MAY
(She stiffens.) I'm not-- (She tries to pull away from AVES. She's not going anywhere.)
ANDERSON
(He laughs.) Let's just say I know the trade, doll. (His demeanor changes completely--he's less poised and he's developed a thick Chicago accent.) Lon Octavius--the world's greatest actor you've never heard of. (He tips his hat as the music starts, and GELLER moves up next to MAY.)
GELLER
And nobody's secrets get past me, Meryl. (MERYL flinches at her name.)
(To the tune of "Minnie the Moocher")
HEY FOLKS HERE'S THE STORY ABOUT MISS MERYL CAMPBELL
SHE THOUGHT THAT SHE WOULD TAKE A GAMBLE
JUST LIKE THE ROUGHEST TOUGHEST SPY
BUT SINCE WE'VE FOUND HER OUT--
PLAYERS
What now?
GELLER
WELL NOW SHE MUST DIE.
LI DE LI DE LI DE LI
PLAYERS
LI DE LI DE LI DE LI
GELLER
LO DE LO DE LO DE LO
PLAYERS
LO DE LO DE LO DE LO
GELLER
LA DE LI DE LU LE LO
PLAYERS
LA DE LI DE LU LE LO
GELLER & PLAYERS
AND SINCE WE'VE FOUND HER OUT MISS MERYL WILL DIE.
OCELOT (offstage)
Not just yet. (OCELOT enters. He is an old, distinguished looking man with long white hair wearing a dapper pinstripe suit. The spurs are a little incongruous.) Meryl Campbell is far more useful to us alive.
(The second OCELOT takes a step closer, MERYL elbows AVES hard in the stomach. He doubles over, and she makes a break for it--unfortunately, OCELOT draws a revolver and points it at her forehead as soon as she moves. AVES grabs her again, more roughly.)
I can think of many things to do that won't kill you, of course. (He gives the revolver a twirl, then points it at her knee.)
MERYL
What do you want?
OCELOT
You're obviously here for a reason, Miss Campbell. Why don't you tell us?
MERYL
You're no acting troupe. You're bootleggers.
OCTAVIUS
I'll have you know we got excellent reviews! (At OCELOT'S look, he slinks back.)
OCELOT
Not the only ones. What's so special about the Re-Mi-Do-Do-Sol?
MERYL
I heard rumors about the bastard in charge of 'em.
OCELOT
(He laughs, and gives her a mocking bow.) Adam Ocelot. The pleasure is all mine.
MERYL
(Although she tries to hide it, she looks frightened.) So it is true.
OCELOT
The rumors about me usually are. (He leisurely aims the revolver at her other knee.) And how's your uncle doing? Police Commissioner, is he now?
AVES
He sending you to do his dirty work?
MERYL
I'm here on my own. My uncle has nothing to do with this.
GELLER
Probably not. But your father does.
MERYL
(She stares at him.) How did you--
(GELLER only taps the side of his head. He's probably smirking underneath the mask.)
OCELOT
The Commissioner's secret daughter! (He steps over to MERYL and strokes the side of her face.) My friends, I don't think we'll be leaving this town anytime soon. (He moves past her towards the wings.) Keep her quiet--I have a phone call to make.
(Fade to black as OCELOT exits and the PLAYERS surround MERYL.)
SCENE 2.
(COMMISSIONER'S OFFICE. CAMPBELL, an older man in uniform, is pacing back and forth, obviously worried. Upon passing his desk, he picks up the phone, but pauses as he goes to dial; with a frustrated growl, he hangs the phone up and sits down tensely. A moment later, there is a knock at the door.)
CAMBELL
Come in.
(The door opens, and two men walk in. The first, PLISSKEN, is a grizzled man smoking a cigarette; the other, EMMERICH, is scrawny and somewhat unkempt, with a pair of glasses he keeps pushing up his face. EMMERICH closes the door once they enter. PLISSKEN and CAMPBELL look at each other silently for a moment; there is obviously some history between them. EMMERICH just watches PLISSKEN.)
CAMPBELL
It's good to see you again, Plissken. (He nods to EMMERICH.) Dr. Emmerich.
PLISSKEN
(PLISSKEN doesn't say anything for a moment, then flashes him a quick but genuine smile.) You too, Commissioner.
(CAMPBELL pulls out two chairs in front of his desk, and PLISSKEN and EMMERICH sit down.)
I'm guessing this isn't a social call.
CAMPBELL
Far from it. (He won't look them in the eye.) My daughter is being held hostage by Adam Ocelot.
PLISSKEN
(He and EMMERICH start.) Ocelot?
EMMERICH
He's here?
CAMPBELL
And he's picked up a team of bootleggers--a former acting troupe, from what I hear.
PLISSKEN
An acting troupe?
CAMPBELL
The Re-Mi-Do-Do-Sol. It may seem absurd, but they're not to be taken lightly. (He slams a hand on the desk in frustration.) And I can't do a thing about them because Ocelot has Meryl!
EMMERICH
(Flatly.) And you want us to deal with them.
CAMPBELL
I'm sorry to ask this--
EMMERICH
Remember what happened the last time you sent us to deal with Ocelot?
CAMPBELL
You succeeded in--
EMMERICH
(Angrily) Ocelot shot Dave in the gut! He nearly died!
PLISSKEN
Yeah, Hal. I did. (He puts a hand on EMMERICH'S shoulder.) I knew the risks.
CAMPBELL
Dr. Emmerich, you know Meryl's mother passed away recently. Meryl's all I have left. (He swallows.) You have to understand, I have no other choice.
(To the tune of "It Had To Be You")
IT HAS TO BE YOU
IT HAS TO BE YOU
IF I MAKE A MOVE
HE'LL DISAPPROVE
WE KNOW WHAT HE'LL DO
TO MAKE ME STAY TRUE
TO SEE HIS PLANS THROUGH
I'M IN SUCH A BIND
SO I HAD TO FIND
SOMEONE LIKE YOU
YOU'VE STOPPED HIM BEFORE
JUST DO IT ONCE MORE
I KNOW YOU'LL SUCCEED
THEN I WON'T NEED
TO MOURN MERYL TOO
THERE'S NOBODY ELSE
WHOSE TALENT I'D TRUST
I CAN'T GET HER BACK
BUT SOMEONE MUST!
IT HAS TO BE YOU,
CAPABLE YOU,
IT HAS TO BE YOU!
EMMERICH
(EMMERICH was obviously touched by the song.) I know what it's like to lose someone you love. And I-- (His eyes flick to PLISSKEN for a brief moment.) I don't want to see it happen again.
PLISSKEN
We're in, Commissioner.
EMMERICH
(He's gaining enthusiasm.) We'll get her out. And someone needs to stop the biggest bootlegger in the country. We won't let Ocelot get away with any more!
CAMPBELL
I knew I could count on the founders of Philanthropy. That is what you call yourselves now, isn't it?
PLISSKEN
(With a grimace) Emmerich's idea.
EMMERICH
Hey!
PLISSKEN
(In his best EMMERICH impression) Philanthropy--setting things right where the law fears to tread.
CAMPBELL
Ah, Plissken, could you at least pretend to work within the bounds of the law while you're sitting in a police station?
PLISSKEN
(He smirks.) Just deny all knowledge of us once we're done here.
CAMPBELL
(He pulls a stack of files out from his desk.) Anyway, here's all the information I have on the Re-Mi-Do-Do-Sol.
EMMERICH
(And EMMERICH pulls out a bigger stack of files from his briefcase.) I have more. (PLISSKEN snickers, and EMMERICH grins proudly.) It's what I do. (He spreads all the files, including blueprints, out on CAMPBELL'S desk, and the three lean over them.) Aha! This looks like a good place to start...
(To the tune of "Nagasaki")
LISTEN IF YOU CAN
WE CAN MAKE A PLAN
THAT'LL GET DAVE RIGHT INSIDE INTO THE LAIR
IF WE GO AT ONE
AS WOLFF'S SHIFT IS DONE
WAIT A COUPLE MINUTES AND YOU'RE ALMOST THERE
PLISSKEN
(PLISSKEN speak-sings in fine Rex Harrison fashion.)
Right as the guard is changing I can sneak
They'll be noisy and defenses will be weak
EMMERICH
(He points at the blueprints as he sings.)
JUST TAKE THE FIRST SET OF STAIRS
TO THIS NOOK BEHIND THE CHAIRS
RIGHT HERE IN THE THEATER WHERE YOUR ENTRANCE WILL BE NEATER
AND UNGUARDED FROM PHILANTHROPY
PLISSKEN
These corners can't be bright
They'll keep me out of sight
EMMERICH
BACK IN SHADOW MOSES WHERE THE GROUP THAT WE OPPOSE IS
UNPREPARED TO FACE PHILANTHROPY
CAMPBELL
AND THERE'S WHERE MERYL
IS KEPT IN PERIL
EMMERICH
OCELOT IS THERE TOO. Hmmm.
IF I CAN TRACK HIM
AND THEN DISTRACT HIM
PLISSKEN
I'll grab Meryl, get her through
CAMPBELL
YOU ASTONISH ME ONCE AGAIN
GOOD LUCK TO YOU, GENTLEMEN
HEAD TO SHADOW MOSES WHERE THE GROUP THAT YOU'LL EXPOSE IS
UNPREPARED TO FACE PHILANTHROPY
CAMPBELL, EMMERICH, & PLISSKEN
NOW TO SHADOW MOSES WHERE THE GROUP THAT [YOU'LL/WE'LL] EXPOSE IS
UNPREPARED TO FACE PHILANTHROPY!
(CAMPBELL shakes PLISSKEN'S hand as the lights fade to black.)
Onwards to Part 2!
JH
- GIFT FOR:
technophile
- PROMPT:
Snake and Otacon are vigilantes in the 1920's during the Prohibition. Ocelot is smuggling illegal Canadian liquor into Chicago, and it's up to Philanthropy to stop them. Broadway musical style please, complete with dance numbers.
- SIDE NOTES:
Contains Snake/Otacon and numerous musical numbers. Relatedly, I present to you Philanthropy! (Original Fanfic Cast). It has all the songs I used in the fic, along with some bonuses because they are awesome. Poke me if it doesn't work.
Philanthropy!
The Musical
ACT 1.
SCENE 1.
(SHADOW MOSES, 1920's. We see the stage of Shadow Moses, a once opulent theater that looks like it's seen better days. And better inhabitants, too. The stage is populated by a smattering of actors and stage crew: collectively, the PLAYERS. Two dancers, LADY and TRAMP, are dressed in flamboyant costumes and practicing the Charleston. The dance probably doesn't call for them to press quite that close to each other. Near the front of the stage, there is a long prop table, props carefully set on one half; the other half contains AVES, a very large tattooed man, ANDERSON and WOLFF, both attractive people half in costume, and SERBER, an obese man who is neither. AVES is dealing a hand of poker while ANDERSON is taking surreptitious swigs from a bottle under the table. GELLER, a sickly-looking man wearing a surgical mask, meticulously fiddles with the props next to them. There is music playing.)
GELLER
Deal me in.
SERBER, ANDERSON, WOLFF, & AVES
No.
SERBER
(To the tune of "Fugue for Tinhorns")
I'VE GOT A WINNER HERE
YOUR CHIPS'LL DISAPPEAR
I CAN'T IMAGINE WHY YOU THINK YOU'LL PERSEVERE
GROW FAT, GROW FAT, I'LL LAUGH AND I WILL GROW FAT
I'VE WON, GROW FAT, GROW FAT, GROW FAT.
(SERBER continues singing as ANDERSON starts in.)
GROW FAT, GROW FAT, I'LL LAUGH AND I WILL GROW FAT
I'VE WON, GROW FAT, GROW FAT, GROW FAT.
(WOLFF comes in as SERVER and ANDERSON continue. SERBER waves LADY over, and she comes with TRAMP in tow.)
I KNOW THIS LUCKY DAME
SHE'LL HELP ME WIN THE GAME
WASTING HER PROFICIENCY WOULD BE SUCH A SHAME
GOOD LUCK, GOOD LUCK, THE LADY WILL GIVE ME LUCK
YOU'RE OUT OF LUCK, GOOD LUCK, GOOD LUCK
(LADY kisses her fingertips and presses then to SERBER'S cards.)
THIS HAND IS DYNAMITE
I'M GONNA WIN TONIGHT
AND IF YOU AREN'T CAREFUL THEN IT MIGHT JUST IGNITE
GROW FAT, GROW FAT, I'LL LAUGH AND I WILL GROW FAT
I'VE WON, GROW FAT, GROW FAT, GROW FAT.
ANDERSON
(ANDERSON doesn't let singing distract him from unsuccessfully trying to peek at his fellow players' cards.)
HERE, HAVE A DRINK ON ME
I'LL LET YOU TRY FOR FREE
IT TASTES MUCH BETTER WHEN IT'S HAD ILLEGALLY
DRINK UP, DRINK UP, WE'VE GOT IT SO LET'S DRINK UP
ENJOY, DRINK UP, DRINK UP, DRINK UP.
(WOLFF starts singing as ANDERSON & SERBER continue.)
SURE YOU DON'T WANT A TASTE?
THIS STUFF CAN'T BE REPLACED
THE ONLY HOOCH IN TOWN HAD BETTER NOT GO TO WASTE
ONE SIP, ONE SIP, A LITTLE TO WET YOUR LIP
YOU'D LOVE A SIP, ONE SIP, ONE SIP.
JUST HAVE A DRINK ON ME
I'LL LET YOU TRY FOR FREE
IT TASTES MUCH BETTER WHEN IT'S HAD ILLEGALLY
DRINK UP, DRINK UP, WE'VE GOT IT SO LET'S DRINK UP
WOLFF
I HAVE AN EYE FOR TRICKS
AND PLAYERS' TELLING TICS
BUT WATCH ME ALL YOU WANT, YOU'LL NEVER KNOW WHAT I PICK
STAY CALM, STAY CALM, I'LL WIN THIS SINCE I STAY CALM
SO STILL AND CALM, STAY CALM, STAY CALM
GO ON AND TRY TO BLUFF
TRY GIVING ME THE GUFF
YOU'RE SURE TO TIP YOUR HAND IF I JUST WAIT LONG ENOUGH
I'LL WAIT, I'LL WAIT, YOU'LL GIVE IT UP IF I WAIT
I'LL WATCH AND WAIT, I'LL WAIT, I'LL WAIT
I'LL NEVER MISS YOUR TRICKS
NOR ANY TELLING TICS
BUT WATCH ME ALL YOU WANT, YOU'LL NEVER KNOW WHAT I PICK
WOLFF
WATCH AND WAIT
ANDERSON
HAVE A SIP
SERBER
DISAPPEAR
WOLFF, ANDERSON, & SERBER
I'VE GOT A WINNER--
GELLER
(GELLER interrupts right before the last note. He points to SERBER,) He's bluffing, (then to WOLFF,) she's about to fold, (and then to ANDERSON.) and he's not bright enough to know when he's won. (The others stare at him.)
AVES
This is why we won't deal you in.
MAY (offstage)
Hello? (Everyone's attention snaps to MAY as she enters and approaches Shadow Moses' stage--she's a pretty young flapper looking around the theater with wonder. She seems excessively earnest.) You're the Re-Mi-Do-Do-Sol troupe, right? I've heard so much about you! (As she comes closer to the stage, she notices Anderson with surprise.) Mister Don Anderson? From Broadway?
ANDERSON
(He stands up and bows.) The one and only, my dear. And you are?
MAY
(She excitedly makes her way onstage.) May. May Silverburgh. I always wanted to be an actress, and I've heard all about you, and since you're in town... (She trails off, not noticing the scrutiny she's getting from everyone except the pleasantly smiling ANDERSON.) Well, are you accepting new members?
WOLFF
(After a moment.) Well. You can audition.
MAY
(To the tune of "I Got Rhythm". As MAY sings and dances, the PLAYERS watch and quietly whisper to each other. GELLER and ANDERSON seem to be starting much of the whispering.)
I GOT RHYTHM
I GOT MUSIC
I GOT ACTING
WHO COULD ASK FOR ANYTHING MORE?
I GOT A CHANCE
TO AUDITION
I GOT YOUR EAR
WHO COULD ASK FOR ANYTHING MORE?
IN THE SPOTLIGHT
I'M NO ROOKIE
TAKE A LOOK-SEE
AT MY ACT
I GOT BIG HOPES
I GOT BIG DREAMS
I GOT FREEDOM
WHO COULD ASK FOR ANYTHING MORE?
WHO COULD ASK FOR ANYTHING MORE?
WOLFF
(As the song ends, ANDERSON mutters something in WOLFF'S ear. She nods.)
Not bad. We'd like you to stay with us for a while.
MAY
Oh, peachy keen!
WOLFF
Let me introduce you to the others. (She gestures to the PLAYERS as she introduces them.) You know Don. I'm Lydia Wolff, another actor. Tramp and Lady Luck are two of our dancers. Then we have the backstage crew--Serber, our special effects man; Geller, our propmaster. (AVES has been moving closer to MAY as WOLFF has been speaking. He suddenly grabs MAY from behind, effectively keeping her from moving.) Oh, yes. Aves, our stagehand.
MAY
What--
ANDERSON
(He's decidedly less friendly now.) And now we'll ask again who you are. Truthfully, this time.
MAY
(She stiffens.) I'm not-- (She tries to pull away from AVES. She's not going anywhere.)
ANDERSON
(He laughs.) Let's just say I know the trade, doll. (His demeanor changes completely--he's less poised and he's developed a thick Chicago accent.) Lon Octavius--the world's greatest actor you've never heard of. (He tips his hat as the music starts, and GELLER moves up next to MAY.)
GELLER
And nobody's secrets get past me, Meryl. (MERYL flinches at her name.)
(To the tune of "Minnie the Moocher")
HEY FOLKS HERE'S THE STORY ABOUT MISS MERYL CAMPBELL
SHE THOUGHT THAT SHE WOULD TAKE A GAMBLE
JUST LIKE THE ROUGHEST TOUGHEST SPY
BUT SINCE WE'VE FOUND HER OUT--
PLAYERS
What now?
GELLER
WELL NOW SHE MUST DIE.
LI DE LI DE LI DE LI
PLAYERS
LI DE LI DE LI DE LI
GELLER
LO DE LO DE LO DE LO
PLAYERS
LO DE LO DE LO DE LO
GELLER
LA DE LI DE LU LE LO
PLAYERS
LA DE LI DE LU LE LO
GELLER & PLAYERS
AND SINCE WE'VE FOUND HER OUT MISS MERYL WILL DIE.
OCELOT (offstage)
Not just yet. (OCELOT enters. He is an old, distinguished looking man with long white hair wearing a dapper pinstripe suit. The spurs are a little incongruous.) Meryl Campbell is far more useful to us alive.
(The second OCELOT takes a step closer, MERYL elbows AVES hard in the stomach. He doubles over, and she makes a break for it--unfortunately, OCELOT draws a revolver and points it at her forehead as soon as she moves. AVES grabs her again, more roughly.)
I can think of many things to do that won't kill you, of course. (He gives the revolver a twirl, then points it at her knee.)
MERYL
What do you want?
OCELOT
You're obviously here for a reason, Miss Campbell. Why don't you tell us?
MERYL
You're no acting troupe. You're bootleggers.
OCTAVIUS
I'll have you know we got excellent reviews! (At OCELOT'S look, he slinks back.)
OCELOT
Not the only ones. What's so special about the Re-Mi-Do-Do-Sol?
MERYL
I heard rumors about the bastard in charge of 'em.
OCELOT
(He laughs, and gives her a mocking bow.) Adam Ocelot. The pleasure is all mine.
MERYL
(Although she tries to hide it, she looks frightened.) So it is true.
OCELOT
The rumors about me usually are. (He leisurely aims the revolver at her other knee.) And how's your uncle doing? Police Commissioner, is he now?
AVES
He sending you to do his dirty work?
MERYL
I'm here on my own. My uncle has nothing to do with this.
GELLER
Probably not. But your father does.
MERYL
(She stares at him.) How did you--
(GELLER only taps the side of his head. He's probably smirking underneath the mask.)
OCELOT
The Commissioner's secret daughter! (He steps over to MERYL and strokes the side of her face.) My friends, I don't think we'll be leaving this town anytime soon. (He moves past her towards the wings.) Keep her quiet--I have a phone call to make.
(Fade to black as OCELOT exits and the PLAYERS surround MERYL.)
SCENE 2.
(COMMISSIONER'S OFFICE. CAMPBELL, an older man in uniform, is pacing back and forth, obviously worried. Upon passing his desk, he picks up the phone, but pauses as he goes to dial; with a frustrated growl, he hangs the phone up and sits down tensely. A moment later, there is a knock at the door.)
CAMBELL
Come in.
(The door opens, and two men walk in. The first, PLISSKEN, is a grizzled man smoking a cigarette; the other, EMMERICH, is scrawny and somewhat unkempt, with a pair of glasses he keeps pushing up his face. EMMERICH closes the door once they enter. PLISSKEN and CAMPBELL look at each other silently for a moment; there is obviously some history between them. EMMERICH just watches PLISSKEN.)
CAMPBELL
It's good to see you again, Plissken. (He nods to EMMERICH.) Dr. Emmerich.
PLISSKEN
(PLISSKEN doesn't say anything for a moment, then flashes him a quick but genuine smile.) You too, Commissioner.
(CAMPBELL pulls out two chairs in front of his desk, and PLISSKEN and EMMERICH sit down.)
I'm guessing this isn't a social call.
CAMPBELL
Far from it. (He won't look them in the eye.) My daughter is being held hostage by Adam Ocelot.
PLISSKEN
(He and EMMERICH start.) Ocelot?
EMMERICH
He's here?
CAMPBELL
And he's picked up a team of bootleggers--a former acting troupe, from what I hear.
PLISSKEN
An acting troupe?
CAMPBELL
The Re-Mi-Do-Do-Sol. It may seem absurd, but they're not to be taken lightly. (He slams a hand on the desk in frustration.) And I can't do a thing about them because Ocelot has Meryl!
EMMERICH
(Flatly.) And you want us to deal with them.
CAMPBELL
I'm sorry to ask this--
EMMERICH
Remember what happened the last time you sent us to deal with Ocelot?
CAMPBELL
You succeeded in--
EMMERICH
(Angrily) Ocelot shot Dave in the gut! He nearly died!
PLISSKEN
Yeah, Hal. I did. (He puts a hand on EMMERICH'S shoulder.) I knew the risks.
CAMPBELL
Dr. Emmerich, you know Meryl's mother passed away recently. Meryl's all I have left. (He swallows.) You have to understand, I have no other choice.
(To the tune of "It Had To Be You")
IT HAS TO BE YOU
IT HAS TO BE YOU
IF I MAKE A MOVE
HE'LL DISAPPROVE
WE KNOW WHAT HE'LL DO
TO MAKE ME STAY TRUE
TO SEE HIS PLANS THROUGH
I'M IN SUCH A BIND
SO I HAD TO FIND
SOMEONE LIKE YOU
YOU'VE STOPPED HIM BEFORE
JUST DO IT ONCE MORE
I KNOW YOU'LL SUCCEED
THEN I WON'T NEED
TO MOURN MERYL TOO
THERE'S NOBODY ELSE
WHOSE TALENT I'D TRUST
I CAN'T GET HER BACK
BUT SOMEONE MUST!
IT HAS TO BE YOU,
CAPABLE YOU,
IT HAS TO BE YOU!
EMMERICH
(EMMERICH was obviously touched by the song.) I know what it's like to lose someone you love. And I-- (His eyes flick to PLISSKEN for a brief moment.) I don't want to see it happen again.
PLISSKEN
We're in, Commissioner.
EMMERICH
(He's gaining enthusiasm.) We'll get her out. And someone needs to stop the biggest bootlegger in the country. We won't let Ocelot get away with any more!
CAMPBELL
I knew I could count on the founders of Philanthropy. That is what you call yourselves now, isn't it?
PLISSKEN
(With a grimace) Emmerich's idea.
EMMERICH
Hey!
PLISSKEN
(In his best EMMERICH impression) Philanthropy--setting things right where the law fears to tread.
CAMPBELL
Ah, Plissken, could you at least pretend to work within the bounds of the law while you're sitting in a police station?
PLISSKEN
(He smirks.) Just deny all knowledge of us once we're done here.
CAMPBELL
(He pulls a stack of files out from his desk.) Anyway, here's all the information I have on the Re-Mi-Do-Do-Sol.
EMMERICH
(And EMMERICH pulls out a bigger stack of files from his briefcase.) I have more. (PLISSKEN snickers, and EMMERICH grins proudly.) It's what I do. (He spreads all the files, including blueprints, out on CAMPBELL'S desk, and the three lean over them.) Aha! This looks like a good place to start...
(To the tune of "Nagasaki")
LISTEN IF YOU CAN
WE CAN MAKE A PLAN
THAT'LL GET DAVE RIGHT INSIDE INTO THE LAIR
IF WE GO AT ONE
AS WOLFF'S SHIFT IS DONE
WAIT A COUPLE MINUTES AND YOU'RE ALMOST THERE
PLISSKEN
(PLISSKEN speak-sings in fine Rex Harrison fashion.)
Right as the guard is changing I can sneak
They'll be noisy and defenses will be weak
EMMERICH
(He points at the blueprints as he sings.)
JUST TAKE THE FIRST SET OF STAIRS
TO THIS NOOK BEHIND THE CHAIRS
RIGHT HERE IN THE THEATER WHERE YOUR ENTRANCE WILL BE NEATER
AND UNGUARDED FROM PHILANTHROPY
PLISSKEN
These corners can't be bright
They'll keep me out of sight
EMMERICH
BACK IN SHADOW MOSES WHERE THE GROUP THAT WE OPPOSE IS
UNPREPARED TO FACE PHILANTHROPY
CAMPBELL
AND THERE'S WHERE MERYL
IS KEPT IN PERIL
EMMERICH
OCELOT IS THERE TOO. Hmmm.
IF I CAN TRACK HIM
AND THEN DISTRACT HIM
PLISSKEN
I'll grab Meryl, get her through
CAMPBELL
YOU ASTONISH ME ONCE AGAIN
GOOD LUCK TO YOU, GENTLEMEN
HEAD TO SHADOW MOSES WHERE THE GROUP THAT YOU'LL EXPOSE IS
UNPREPARED TO FACE PHILANTHROPY
CAMPBELL, EMMERICH, & PLISSKEN
NOW TO SHADOW MOSES WHERE THE GROUP THAT [YOU'LL/WE'LL] EXPOSE IS
UNPREPARED TO FACE PHILANTHROPY!
(CAMPBELL shakes PLISSKEN'S hand as the lights fade to black.)
Onwards to Part 2!