What Matters Most
Title: What Matters Most
Author: katyscarlett76
Rating: PG
Prompts: Beach and “I don’t care who you are or where you’re from. I don’t care what you did. As long as you love me.” The Backstreet Boys.
Word count: 5146
Summary: Following Dumbledore’s death Remus flees to his childhood haunt and re-assesses what really matters to him.
Author’s Note: This is a sort of companion piece to a fic I wrote for the Beatles and the Bard ficathon last year, Finding Solace.
My thanks to tegdoh for the super fast last minute beta!
What Matters Most
The small beach at St Bee’s Head didn’t get many visitors, locals mainly and the odd intrepid hiker starting out on Alfred Wainwright’s coast to coast walk. The locals liked it that way, hidden away in deepest Cumbria on the edge of the Lake District. The village revelled in being off the tourist map, it meant those who came took pleasure in its rugged beauty but didn’t leave rubbish behind. It also meant that the trappings of normal late twentieth century life had not encumbered the small community; there was no McDonalds or other fast food place and no loud music blaring out of any amusement arcade. The St Bee’s community consisted of a church, a few houses and a small row of shops, it had been that way for hundreds of years and they saw no reason for changing it. Whilst the locals all knew each other well, it wasn’t one of those communities that everyone knew each other’s business; St Bee’s residents prided themselves on keeping their noses out. So even though they had all seen young Lupin (for young Lupin he still was despite the fact his father had been dead almost fifteen years) sitting out by the rocks for hours at a time, not one of them commented on it. No-one approached him, leaving him to his own council, giving him the space he needed to think about whatever it was he needed to think about. Because it was not the first time that young Lupin had sat on those rocks deep in thought.
The landscape of St Bee's Head had been the backdrop of his childhood, the scene of almost every important event in Remus' life. He played on these very sands as a boy; walked the cliffs with his father; and climbed the rocks with the Marauders during summer breaks from school. Here he'd come to mourn James and Lily and his parents, who were buried in the small churchyard just outside the village. Here he'd returned only the year before to mourn Sirius, only that time with Dora by his side.
Dora. It had been here that he'd first realised that he'd fallen in love with her. He'd brought her here on a date, a late summer picnic on the sands and a walk on the cliffs. An innocent and romantic outing that had ended with a startling realisation on his side. They'd sat and chatted on the beach, wrapped up against the evening chill as the sunset over the cliffs. The sun’s rays had caught her face, illuminating it and Remus had been struck, by how beautiful she was - and also by how deeply he'd fallen for her in just a few weeks, more deeply than he'd allowed himself to fall before. He'd known then two things, that she was the love of his life and that it could not possibly end well.
He knew happy ever after was not an option for him, hadn't been since that fateful meeting with Greyback nearly thirty years before, however before that point it hadn't really ever been an option either. As a teenager he dated girls, mainly egged on by James and Sirius, and he'd liked a few well enough but none with the passion he'd seen in James' eyes for Lily. As a young man, he'd been consumed with finding work and fighting a war that love had never really been an issue. Of course he'd stood at James and Lily's wedding and wished for a little of what they had but he knew he didn't have the time or inclination for really searching for it. Besides he didn't need a wife, he had his parents, the Marauders and Lily and even the Order, a plentiful support system. Until that terrible autumn day when his friends were ripped away from him.
He'd come back here to St Bee's to the comfort of the beach and his parents’ house to find both parent's health in decline and the house virtually falling down around their ears. In his grief he'd thrown himself into caring for them and the house and any thought he might make a life of his own was put aside. After their deaths he'd needed to escape and so rented out the small house on the outskirts of St Bee's village and gone travelling, between the rent on the house and intermittent teaching jobs he'd had enough to survive. He'd only returned to the house after his resignation from Hogwarts. Sirius as Padfoot had enjoyed running in and out of the sea during those few days between the end of the Triwizard and the reforming of the Order. Remus had initially offered his house as Headquarters but the size meant it could not accommodate the group easily, plus in a small community the comings and goings would have been more visible. With his small pot of savings rapidly dwindling, he resigned himself to renting out the house again and moving into 12 Grimmauld Place with Sirius.
Remus had felt a sense of relief when the sea air hit his lungs on his arrival at St Bee's Head. Anxious to leave behind the turmoil of Hogwarts and, more particularly, Dora's tear-stained face and the curious looks from the children, he'd escaped almost as soon as Minerva had swept Harry out of the hospital wing. There was only one place he even considered going, one place that he would always return. Time to think and time to grieve was what was needed and St Bee’s own sea air was welcome balm for Remus’ soul. The night had paid a heavy toll on Remus’ emotions. Both the loss of Dumbledore and the need to break Dora’s heart yet again, had hurt him more than he would wish anyone to know. For a moment Remus had lost control of himself. His distress in Dumbledore’s loss had been clear to all and coupled with Dora’s emotional assault; more people were privy to his private life in that one moment than had been in years. Remus was an intensely private man and although he knew rejecting Dora was for her own good, part of him had also done it because he couldn’t bear to let Harry and the others see him so vulnerable. As images of the night began to swim in front of his eyes, the most vivid being Dora’s tear-stained face, he stared out across the bay where light was beginning to break. It was the dawn of a new day, the first day of life after Dumbledore. At that thought, Remus could feel a pain inside, grief starting to overwhelm him, determined to keep control he strode over to the water’s edge, crouched down and splashed his face. Straightening up, he gazed back out to sea.
Walking along the beach, lost in thought, he sat down on a rock and watched the sun rise over the horizon. He loved this beach, just being here helped to soothe his pain. He starred out to sea, with constant thoughts of what would happen next, how the Order might cope without its leader, and how to protect Harry. But even as he considered all the practical implications of Dumbledore’s death, his traitorous mind kept returning to Dora’s distraught face, and her insistence that she “didn’t care”.
Dora was stubborn and determined to fight for him, but he just felt so tired. Part of him really didn’t want to fight her anymore, but he knew when she tired of him, he would be left with a broken heart that would never mend. He would love her until the end of time. She was the only woman he had ever loved and the only one he ever would. He’d had relationships before, mainly superficial ones, he’d never let anyone get too close. Until her. It was Sirius he thought, and Harry and Dumbledore. Letting his friends back into his heart had opened it up to her. He loved her from first sight, he hadn’t been able to help it, but he’d never really considered that she might return his affection. But she did and for a few short months, with his best friend egging him on he’d allowed himself to believe that a man like him could have a future with a girl like her. Sirius’ death had been a rude awakening and he was suddenly confronted with the reality. He was too old, too poor and too dangerous to really deserve her, something his mission had only served to confirm. He never felt sure of her affection, convinced that she would wake up one day and realise that she wanted more from life than him. But instead of moving on when he broke it off, she just held on tighter. He was convinced that it was just stubbornness on her part.
He awoke with a start; hardly realising he had fallen asleep though he had his head leaning against the side of a rock. He looked out at the hazy sunshine of the new day. It didn't seem right, Remus' world had been crushed, yet again, yet the rest of the world continued. He rose, walked back down to the water's edge to splash his face and pondered what to do next. Minerva's cat patronus arrived requesting assistance with reinforcing the security both at Hogwarts and at Grimmauld Place. Remus couldn't ignore the call to arms and so he apparated to Hogsmeade. As he arrived at the gate of Hogwarts he was greeted by Mad-Eye and together they walked up to the castle and to the new Headmistress' office, neither saying a word.
When Minerva announced that Dora would be joining them Remus was startled. He knew he’d have to face her sometime but he hadn’t expected it so soon, he’d been preparing himself for the Order meeting that evening. He also hadn’t been prepared for Minerva’s paring them together, though he should have expected it. Others might not suspect it of the tough professor but he knew she was a romantic at heart and her comments to himself and Dora the previous night had only confirmed it. He walked down towards the forest with Dora, feeling uncomfortable, but not really sure how to address the situation. Dora spoke first, suggesting ways of dealing with their assignment; some spells they should use. Once in the forest he found himself surrounded by memories of four young boys joking around, thinking it all a great adventure. He obviously appeared lost in thought as Dora spoke again, trying to engage him in conversation about his memories. He knew he was sharp in reply but he hardly knew what to say, his emotions felt raw and he knew if he indulged in reminiscing then he’d break down and he didn’t want to think about where that might lead.
As they worked he took a moment to observe her. He’d always known she was a talented witch, had seen firsthand evidence of it on many occasions but their personal emotional turmoil had made him lose sight of how incredible a witch she was and how suited she was to her profession. However it was also clear that the night, and maybe the year, had affected her adversely. She looked tired and she was drawing deep breaths as if trying to stay awake. He suggested she might take a break, that he could cope on his own but this only seem to infuriate her. When she brought up Minerva’s asking them both to do the task, he couldn’t help but smile, had she really not noticed that Minerva was throwing them together at some attempt at matchmaking. But his light-hearted remark seemed to have completely the wrong affect, as she apologised for her behaviour the previous night. He could only look at the ground, ashamed of his own behaviour. She should never have to feel guilty about owing up to loving someone in front of her friends. She should be able to shout about her love to the world but that was something she would never be able to do with him. Another reason why they shouldn’t be together. Still, he felt guilty that she was taking so much on herself. It was after all, all his fault. He should never have fallen in love with her, he should have realised what was happening and not allowed his feelings to become obvious. If he’d loved her from afar then it would have been alright - he couldn’t not love her, that was impossible. But he should never have allowed Sirius to talk him into allowing that love to be reciprocated. And as she continued he only felt more guilty.
She felt she’d lost herself; how had he allowed that to happen? How could she not see how amazing she was? But, as her words sunk in, as she stated how, as much as she loved him, but that she had to move on and couldn’t hold on any longer, he felt a sense of panic. As much as he knew it was for the best, his heart cried out for her, it couldn’t let her go even if his mind could. As she turned back to the task in hand so many emotions were running through Remus’ mind. He found himself too distracted to carry on a conversation and they passed the rest of the task in silence which continued over a tense lunch with Mad-Eye.
Remus spent the rest of the day contacting Order members filling them in on events and calling them to the meeting that evening. A meeting where he knew he’d have to see her, a fact he put out of his mind to deal with later. That they avoided each other during the meeting was painful. They’d always sat next to each other at meetings, shared opinions and comments, even during this last year they’d always had that. To sit at opposite ends of the room felt wrong. He missed her friendship just as much if not more than her affection. As she stood to leave a sudden panic overcame him, as though if she left without them speaking then they would never see each other again. When he approached her, her emotionless reply made him think he’d finally done it, finally got through to her. The thought didn’t give him as much comfort as he expected. After her outburst in the hospital wing, Dora had seemed to gather some strength and had declared her intention to move on. He should have been happy, that’s what he’d been professing to want all year, but he was not happy. The idea of Dora not being his anymore didn’t fill him with relief as he had expected but left him feeling empty and lost.
After helping Mad-Eye with the traps at Grimmauld, he’d had nowhere else to go, his parent’s house at St Bee’s was still occupied by tenants, and he’d found himself at Dora’s door. He couldn’t explain why he’d gone there, nor did he think it a good idea, but somehow he’d just found himself there and then the temptation to see her had been too great. They’d shared a pot of tea and she’d offered him her couch for the night. He slept wonderfully well despite the shabby couch and he awoke to find Dora sleeping in his arms. She’d crept in during the night and he’d unconsciously held her close. He studied her sleeping form for a little while, thankful that he was the man that got to see her look so natural, so peaceful and so beautiful. And he realised he just didn’t have the strength or the inclination to keep fighting this. He loved her, he desired her and he needed her. Life was so precious - hadn’t the many losses in his life taught him that? - and could be snatched away at any moment. He needed to remember to treasure the moments with those he loved rather than push them away because of something that might never happen. So instead of leaving like his mind was telling him to do, he stayed and cooked her breakfast like his heart told him to do. When she awoke they shared a nice breakfast, he apologised for his behaviour and they lapsed back into a cosy togetherness, comforting each other in their loss and drawing strength from the other’s presence.
As Dora had been given a few days leave, they spent some time together, content in each other’s company whether just relaxing at her flat or doing jobs for the Order. However they still hadn’t really discussed their relationship or their future. It seemed neither wished to broach the subject and disturb their hard earned peace. They also had not yet attempted much physical intimacy beyond kisses and sleeping in each other’s arms. For Remus, at least, the two were linked, he felt he couldn’t make love to Dora without having discussed the future and that was something he wasn’t yet ready to think about. He had also noticed that Dora appeared to be reluctant to be her usual affectionate self, she’d hardly even initiated hugs since their reunion never mind more passionate displays of affection. It made Remus slightly uncomfortable, in case she didn’t really want this anymore, which in turn made him feel less comfortable in initiating further intimacy. He knew they needed to clear the air but before they could do that he needed to be clear in his own mind exactly what he wanted. All he knew at the moment was that he couldn’t not be around Dora; yet all his concerns were still seemed valid.
Whilst sorting through his belongings that he’d retrieved from Grimmauld Place, he came across a box containing his parents’ wedding rings and his mother’s engagement ring. He’d taken them from his parents’ Gringotts vault before that night in the Ministry, when happiness had given him unusual optimism and he’d planned to propose. Taking the rings out of the box, he held them up and inspected them, his mind whirling. Was Dora right, was love the only thing that mattered? Remus didn’t know, but his heart leapt at the idea of being with Dora, of holding her, of loving her. The idea of waking up to her beautiful face every morning seemed like a treasure too far beyond his reach, but at the same time he knew he only had to ask and it could be a reality. His mind then turned to Dumbledore. No-one had thought he would die, least of all Remus. Dumbledore had always seemed so invincible. If he could die then so could anyone, the next one might be him or Dora. Would he really want that to happen without her knowing how he really felt about her? Could he really propose? Should he? He was certain that Dora was the only woman he wanted to be his wife, but he was still unsure on how fair that was to her. But he had to admit that the idea of making her his wife filled him with a joy that he’d never felt before.
The day before Dumbledore’s funeral found Remus and Dora heading for St Bee’s Head, Dora side-along apparating to allow for an element of surprise. Once they had arrived at their destination, he watched with a smile as Dora’s eyes fluttered about the bay with clear delight.
“St Bee’s, Remus! This is where we had our first date”, she exclaimed as she hugged him tightly.
“I know Dora, I remember. This place has so many memories for me, that’s why I wanted to bring you here today.”
At her puzzled look, he pulled out of her embrace and led her by the hand to the edge of the water. Leaving her there, gazing out to sea, he strode over to the rocks where he’d stashed a picnic basket and blanket. Spreading the blanket out on the sand, he called Dora, who turned smiling broadly when she set eyes on the picnic.
“Remus this is perfect! Just like our first date. It’s like starting again. We can get it right this time. Oh wow, chocolate éclairs, mmm. Are they from that bakery in the village? They are so yum.”
Remus chuckled as Dora babbled and exclaimed over the picnic, but suddenly he felt quite nervous. He wondered whether they were truly ready for this, or was it a step too far too soon. And the way things were going should he really ask her to join her life to a dark creature? Taking a deep breath to put all his concerns aside, he dropped down onto the blanket next to her. They chattered on about meaningless things as they ate, relaxing in each other’s company as they had during the last few days. When all the food was gone and the sun started to set on the bay, Remus summoned his Gryffindor courage, and turned to face her. Meeting his eyes she smiled and it felt like the perfect moment.
“This feels like the calm before the storm. We bury Dumbledore tomorrow and then who knows what’ll happen”, he said trying to get his thoughts under control.
“Frankly I’m surprised Voldemort hasn’t made a move yet, I can’t believe he’s actually mourning Dumbledore”, she commented as her focus went back out to sea.
“That’s why I wanted to come here today, we may not get another chance to have this time together and before anything else happens, I wanted you to know...I wanted to say... I know you’ve told me million times”, they exchanged smiles at the private joke, “that you don’t care what I am or what I’ve done, that being in love is enough. I really want that to be true Dora. And the last few days I’ve just kept thinking what if it’d been me. I don’t want to die without you knowing just how much you mean to me. I love you more than I ever thought possible. And whilst my concerns are real and I won’t dismiss them. I do want to try and not focus on them so much. To enjoy what we have and what time we have without worrying about a future we might never see.”
He took the rings out of his pocket and held them in front of him.
“These are my parent’s rings. They’re not much but they mean something to me and they would mean even more if you were wearing them. If I die in this war, I want to die as your husband. Will you be my wife?”
Suddenly Remus found himself lying on his back on the sand as Dora flung herself at him kissing him with a force she had not exhibited since their reunion. When they finally broke apart both gasping for breath, he smiled.
“I’ll take it that’s a yes then!” he said chuckling.
Laughing she replied, “Yes! Definitely a yes!”
She recaptured his lips and their kiss became more passionate, their hands wandering with a confidence they hadn’t felt in some time. He rolled them both over so Dora was lying in the sand, but just as he was sliding his hands up her torso to remove her top, a loud caw from a passing seagull reminded him of their location. Reluctantly pulling away, he smiled down at her.
“I think we’d better take this inside before we give the seagulls an eyeful.”
They both laughed as they sat up and readjusted their clothing. They stood and shook the sand out of their clothes and hair. As Remus cleared up their picnic, Dora strode over to the water’s edge.
“Here”, she stated firmly, turning to grin at him, “I want to get married here on this beach. As soon as possible. I don’t care who’s here, as long as it’s you and me and a Ministry Official... and perhaps my parents.”
It made perfect sense to Remus. He banished the picnic basket and blanket, strode forward and wrapped his arms around her pulling her back flush against him as they both gazed into the sunset.
He kissed her temple and whispered, “That would be perfect.”
She turned in his arms and as they kissed, he apparated them back to her flat where they could celebrate in private.
The days following the funeral were a blur and he hardly saw Dora. Between the Order and the Auror Department they were both kept busy. They did fit in a tense dinner with her parents where they announced their engagement; an announcement that did not appear to particularly rejoice his future in-laws. However they did at least appear to be supporting Dora in her wedding preparations. Remus had been given little to do except ensure that the beach was both free and secure. A task with which he secured the help of Mad-Eye Moody, who muttered about “constant vigilance” and gruffly told him to “take care of that silly girl”. Therefore his wedding day dawned without his knowing exactly what to expect. He dressed in the new suit Dora had purchased for him for the occasion. In absence of Sirius or James, whose photographs he had in his pocket, he’d asked Arthur to stand as Best Man.
Standing on St Bee’s Beach, in front of the Ministry Official with Arthur at his side waiting for Dora and her parents, it felt right. This place, that had seen so many of Remus’ important life events, where only two weeks before he had proposed to Dora, was to be the place where he would officially pledge his life to hers. It was to be a small wedding just them, the Official, Dora’s parents, Arthur and Molly, Mad-Eye and Minerva. Remus had apologised that it had to be that small, that she couldn’t have all her friends and the lavish wedding she deserved. She’d shushed him and declared that all she needed was him and her parents. Her parents. Remus had got the impression that they hadn’t been so impressed with Dora’s choice of husband. When he’d broached the matter with her, she’d attributed it to their having seen her distress during the previous year and not to their being overly concerned with his condition. Remus could not be so sure. But before his thoughts could turn towards the gloomy, three cracks announced the arrival of Dora, Andromeda and Ted.
Remus turned to see Dora walking towards him hand in hand with her father, her mother trailing slightly behind. He felt the breath catch in his throat, she looked incredible, more beautiful than ever. Her hair, her (and his) favourite shade of bubblegum pink, held back with a large daisy. Her bridal gown was a beautiful 1950s style gown which showed off her natural curves. Although he knew it had been her Granny Tonks’ gown, it was as if it had been created for her. He had a brief pang that no-one else could see how incredible she looked at this moment but he was also thankful that they had this moment at all. When she reached him, she smiled up at him and his breath was taken away yet again by the look of love in her eyes.
“Wotcher”, she smiled.
“Hello”, he smiled back.
They stood there grinning at each other for a few moments until the Official cleared his throat and drew their attention back to their surroundings. The Official then proceeded through the ceremony. Although Remus was only half aware of the proceedings, being much too distracted at the thoughts running through his head, of how much he loved her, how incredible she looked and how amazing it was that she loved him. But as she stated her vows with clarity and determination his attention was fully hers and he couldn’t help the grin that spread across his face. Then it was his turn.
As he repeated the words vowing to stand by Dora, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, he couldn’t help the chuckle as he met her eye. But as the Official declared them bonded for life, all amusement faded away. He gazed into the eyes of his new wife and felt such a sense of completeness that he had never felt before. The clouds cleared and the sun shone down on them, making the sea sparkle and surrounding them with a golden glow. A perfect moment. Remus had never felt so happy.
Once the appropriate paperwork had been completed, Remus trying very hard not to let the appearance of the word Werewolf on the form spoil his pleasure, Mad-Eye left with the Official to both ensure the paperwork was filed correctly and to obliviate the Official to ensure word of their union did not become Ministry gossip too soon.
Andromeda and Molly then took control of proceedings setting out a picnic wedding breakfast as Remus and Dora stood watching with their arms wrapped around each other. The picnic was simple but delicious. The small company toasted the marriage with champagne provided by Ted who gave an emotional toast to his “bright, brilliant and beautiful daughter” that put a brilliant smile on Dora’s face and tears in her eyes. Minerva gave an anecdote filled toast to both of them, filled with stories of Hogwarts exploits. And then it was Remus’ turn to speak. He felt a little light-headed from the champagne, the affection of his friends and mostly the intoxication of being married to the love of his life. Extracting himself from Dora’s arms he stood and pulled Dora to her feet. Holding his glass in one hand and Dora’s hand in the other he looked deep into her eyes.
“Dora....I can’t even begin to tell you how much you mean to me. No-one has ever loved me like you do. When you stood there in the Hogwarts hospital wing and told everyone how much you don’t care about all things that I thought were insurmountable obstacles, all I could think was how beautiful you are and how much I didn’t deserve you.”
He could see Dora about to dispute him and he lifted his hand to place the tips of his fingers on her lips. He looked over at her parents.
“I know I’ve hurt Dora in the past. But it’s never been because I don’t love her. It’s because I never thought that could be enough. Dora’s told me a million times that she doesn’t care what I am and now I’m finally starting to believe her.”
She smiled up at him and they lent in for a tender kiss. At that moment Remus felt on top of the world, all his worries seemed meaningless and the war seemed a world away. All that mattered was Dora, making her happy and being happy himself. He had never felt so free.
The End
Author’s Note 2: St Bee’s Head is a real location, watching Julia Bradbury’s series on Alfred Wainwright’s Coast to Coast Walk inspired me to set Remus’ childhood there, with a little artistic licence ;)
Author: katyscarlett76
Rating: PG
Prompts: Beach and “I don’t care who you are or where you’re from. I don’t care what you did. As long as you love me.” The Backstreet Boys.
Word count: 5146
Summary: Following Dumbledore’s death Remus flees to his childhood haunt and re-assesses what really matters to him.
Author’s Note: This is a sort of companion piece to a fic I wrote for the Beatles and the Bard ficathon last year, Finding Solace.
My thanks to tegdoh for the super fast last minute beta!
What Matters Most
The small beach at St Bee’s Head didn’t get many visitors, locals mainly and the odd intrepid hiker starting out on Alfred Wainwright’s coast to coast walk. The locals liked it that way, hidden away in deepest Cumbria on the edge of the Lake District. The village revelled in being off the tourist map, it meant those who came took pleasure in its rugged beauty but didn’t leave rubbish behind. It also meant that the trappings of normal late twentieth century life had not encumbered the small community; there was no McDonalds or other fast food place and no loud music blaring out of any amusement arcade. The St Bee’s community consisted of a church, a few houses and a small row of shops, it had been that way for hundreds of years and they saw no reason for changing it. Whilst the locals all knew each other well, it wasn’t one of those communities that everyone knew each other’s business; St Bee’s residents prided themselves on keeping their noses out. So even though they had all seen young Lupin (for young Lupin he still was despite the fact his father had been dead almost fifteen years) sitting out by the rocks for hours at a time, not one of them commented on it. No-one approached him, leaving him to his own council, giving him the space he needed to think about whatever it was he needed to think about. Because it was not the first time that young Lupin had sat on those rocks deep in thought.
The landscape of St Bee's Head had been the backdrop of his childhood, the scene of almost every important event in Remus' life. He played on these very sands as a boy; walked the cliffs with his father; and climbed the rocks with the Marauders during summer breaks from school. Here he'd come to mourn James and Lily and his parents, who were buried in the small churchyard just outside the village. Here he'd returned only the year before to mourn Sirius, only that time with Dora by his side.
Dora. It had been here that he'd first realised that he'd fallen in love with her. He'd brought her here on a date, a late summer picnic on the sands and a walk on the cliffs. An innocent and romantic outing that had ended with a startling realisation on his side. They'd sat and chatted on the beach, wrapped up against the evening chill as the sunset over the cliffs. The sun’s rays had caught her face, illuminating it and Remus had been struck, by how beautiful she was - and also by how deeply he'd fallen for her in just a few weeks, more deeply than he'd allowed himself to fall before. He'd known then two things, that she was the love of his life and that it could not possibly end well.
He knew happy ever after was not an option for him, hadn't been since that fateful meeting with Greyback nearly thirty years before, however before that point it hadn't really ever been an option either. As a teenager he dated girls, mainly egged on by James and Sirius, and he'd liked a few well enough but none with the passion he'd seen in James' eyes for Lily. As a young man, he'd been consumed with finding work and fighting a war that love had never really been an issue. Of course he'd stood at James and Lily's wedding and wished for a little of what they had but he knew he didn't have the time or inclination for really searching for it. Besides he didn't need a wife, he had his parents, the Marauders and Lily and even the Order, a plentiful support system. Until that terrible autumn day when his friends were ripped away from him.
He'd come back here to St Bee's to the comfort of the beach and his parents’ house to find both parent's health in decline and the house virtually falling down around their ears. In his grief he'd thrown himself into caring for them and the house and any thought he might make a life of his own was put aside. After their deaths he'd needed to escape and so rented out the small house on the outskirts of St Bee's village and gone travelling, between the rent on the house and intermittent teaching jobs he'd had enough to survive. He'd only returned to the house after his resignation from Hogwarts. Sirius as Padfoot had enjoyed running in and out of the sea during those few days between the end of the Triwizard and the reforming of the Order. Remus had initially offered his house as Headquarters but the size meant it could not accommodate the group easily, plus in a small community the comings and goings would have been more visible. With his small pot of savings rapidly dwindling, he resigned himself to renting out the house again and moving into 12 Grimmauld Place with Sirius.
Remus had felt a sense of relief when the sea air hit his lungs on his arrival at St Bee's Head. Anxious to leave behind the turmoil of Hogwarts and, more particularly, Dora's tear-stained face and the curious looks from the children, he'd escaped almost as soon as Minerva had swept Harry out of the hospital wing. There was only one place he even considered going, one place that he would always return. Time to think and time to grieve was what was needed and St Bee’s own sea air was welcome balm for Remus’ soul. The night had paid a heavy toll on Remus’ emotions. Both the loss of Dumbledore and the need to break Dora’s heart yet again, had hurt him more than he would wish anyone to know. For a moment Remus had lost control of himself. His distress in Dumbledore’s loss had been clear to all and coupled with Dora’s emotional assault; more people were privy to his private life in that one moment than had been in years. Remus was an intensely private man and although he knew rejecting Dora was for her own good, part of him had also done it because he couldn’t bear to let Harry and the others see him so vulnerable. As images of the night began to swim in front of his eyes, the most vivid being Dora’s tear-stained face, he stared out across the bay where light was beginning to break. It was the dawn of a new day, the first day of life after Dumbledore. At that thought, Remus could feel a pain inside, grief starting to overwhelm him, determined to keep control he strode over to the water’s edge, crouched down and splashed his face. Straightening up, he gazed back out to sea.
Walking along the beach, lost in thought, he sat down on a rock and watched the sun rise over the horizon. He loved this beach, just being here helped to soothe his pain. He starred out to sea, with constant thoughts of what would happen next, how the Order might cope without its leader, and how to protect Harry. But even as he considered all the practical implications of Dumbledore’s death, his traitorous mind kept returning to Dora’s distraught face, and her insistence that she “didn’t care”.
Dora was stubborn and determined to fight for him, but he just felt so tired. Part of him really didn’t want to fight her anymore, but he knew when she tired of him, he would be left with a broken heart that would never mend. He would love her until the end of time. She was the only woman he had ever loved and the only one he ever would. He’d had relationships before, mainly superficial ones, he’d never let anyone get too close. Until her. It was Sirius he thought, and Harry and Dumbledore. Letting his friends back into his heart had opened it up to her. He loved her from first sight, he hadn’t been able to help it, but he’d never really considered that she might return his affection. But she did and for a few short months, with his best friend egging him on he’d allowed himself to believe that a man like him could have a future with a girl like her. Sirius’ death had been a rude awakening and he was suddenly confronted with the reality. He was too old, too poor and too dangerous to really deserve her, something his mission had only served to confirm. He never felt sure of her affection, convinced that she would wake up one day and realise that she wanted more from life than him. But instead of moving on when he broke it off, she just held on tighter. He was convinced that it was just stubbornness on her part.
He awoke with a start; hardly realising he had fallen asleep though he had his head leaning against the side of a rock. He looked out at the hazy sunshine of the new day. It didn't seem right, Remus' world had been crushed, yet again, yet the rest of the world continued. He rose, walked back down to the water's edge to splash his face and pondered what to do next. Minerva's cat patronus arrived requesting assistance with reinforcing the security both at Hogwarts and at Grimmauld Place. Remus couldn't ignore the call to arms and so he apparated to Hogsmeade. As he arrived at the gate of Hogwarts he was greeted by Mad-Eye and together they walked up to the castle and to the new Headmistress' office, neither saying a word.
When Minerva announced that Dora would be joining them Remus was startled. He knew he’d have to face her sometime but he hadn’t expected it so soon, he’d been preparing himself for the Order meeting that evening. He also hadn’t been prepared for Minerva’s paring them together, though he should have expected it. Others might not suspect it of the tough professor but he knew she was a romantic at heart and her comments to himself and Dora the previous night had only confirmed it. He walked down towards the forest with Dora, feeling uncomfortable, but not really sure how to address the situation. Dora spoke first, suggesting ways of dealing with their assignment; some spells they should use. Once in the forest he found himself surrounded by memories of four young boys joking around, thinking it all a great adventure. He obviously appeared lost in thought as Dora spoke again, trying to engage him in conversation about his memories. He knew he was sharp in reply but he hardly knew what to say, his emotions felt raw and he knew if he indulged in reminiscing then he’d break down and he didn’t want to think about where that might lead.
As they worked he took a moment to observe her. He’d always known she was a talented witch, had seen firsthand evidence of it on many occasions but their personal emotional turmoil had made him lose sight of how incredible a witch she was and how suited she was to her profession. However it was also clear that the night, and maybe the year, had affected her adversely. She looked tired and she was drawing deep breaths as if trying to stay awake. He suggested she might take a break, that he could cope on his own but this only seem to infuriate her. When she brought up Minerva’s asking them both to do the task, he couldn’t help but smile, had she really not noticed that Minerva was throwing them together at some attempt at matchmaking. But his light-hearted remark seemed to have completely the wrong affect, as she apologised for her behaviour the previous night. He could only look at the ground, ashamed of his own behaviour. She should never have to feel guilty about owing up to loving someone in front of her friends. She should be able to shout about her love to the world but that was something she would never be able to do with him. Another reason why they shouldn’t be together. Still, he felt guilty that she was taking so much on herself. It was after all, all his fault. He should never have fallen in love with her, he should have realised what was happening and not allowed his feelings to become obvious. If he’d loved her from afar then it would have been alright - he couldn’t not love her, that was impossible. But he should never have allowed Sirius to talk him into allowing that love to be reciprocated. And as she continued he only felt more guilty.
She felt she’d lost herself; how had he allowed that to happen? How could she not see how amazing she was? But, as her words sunk in, as she stated how, as much as she loved him, but that she had to move on and couldn’t hold on any longer, he felt a sense of panic. As much as he knew it was for the best, his heart cried out for her, it couldn’t let her go even if his mind could. As she turned back to the task in hand so many emotions were running through Remus’ mind. He found himself too distracted to carry on a conversation and they passed the rest of the task in silence which continued over a tense lunch with Mad-Eye.
Remus spent the rest of the day contacting Order members filling them in on events and calling them to the meeting that evening. A meeting where he knew he’d have to see her, a fact he put out of his mind to deal with later. That they avoided each other during the meeting was painful. They’d always sat next to each other at meetings, shared opinions and comments, even during this last year they’d always had that. To sit at opposite ends of the room felt wrong. He missed her friendship just as much if not more than her affection. As she stood to leave a sudden panic overcame him, as though if she left without them speaking then they would never see each other again. When he approached her, her emotionless reply made him think he’d finally done it, finally got through to her. The thought didn’t give him as much comfort as he expected. After her outburst in the hospital wing, Dora had seemed to gather some strength and had declared her intention to move on. He should have been happy, that’s what he’d been professing to want all year, but he was not happy. The idea of Dora not being his anymore didn’t fill him with relief as he had expected but left him feeling empty and lost.
After helping Mad-Eye with the traps at Grimmauld, he’d had nowhere else to go, his parent’s house at St Bee’s was still occupied by tenants, and he’d found himself at Dora’s door. He couldn’t explain why he’d gone there, nor did he think it a good idea, but somehow he’d just found himself there and then the temptation to see her had been too great. They’d shared a pot of tea and she’d offered him her couch for the night. He slept wonderfully well despite the shabby couch and he awoke to find Dora sleeping in his arms. She’d crept in during the night and he’d unconsciously held her close. He studied her sleeping form for a little while, thankful that he was the man that got to see her look so natural, so peaceful and so beautiful. And he realised he just didn’t have the strength or the inclination to keep fighting this. He loved her, he desired her and he needed her. Life was so precious - hadn’t the many losses in his life taught him that? - and could be snatched away at any moment. He needed to remember to treasure the moments with those he loved rather than push them away because of something that might never happen. So instead of leaving like his mind was telling him to do, he stayed and cooked her breakfast like his heart told him to do. When she awoke they shared a nice breakfast, he apologised for his behaviour and they lapsed back into a cosy togetherness, comforting each other in their loss and drawing strength from the other’s presence.
As Dora had been given a few days leave, they spent some time together, content in each other’s company whether just relaxing at her flat or doing jobs for the Order. However they still hadn’t really discussed their relationship or their future. It seemed neither wished to broach the subject and disturb their hard earned peace. They also had not yet attempted much physical intimacy beyond kisses and sleeping in each other’s arms. For Remus, at least, the two were linked, he felt he couldn’t make love to Dora without having discussed the future and that was something he wasn’t yet ready to think about. He had also noticed that Dora appeared to be reluctant to be her usual affectionate self, she’d hardly even initiated hugs since their reunion never mind more passionate displays of affection. It made Remus slightly uncomfortable, in case she didn’t really want this anymore, which in turn made him feel less comfortable in initiating further intimacy. He knew they needed to clear the air but before they could do that he needed to be clear in his own mind exactly what he wanted. All he knew at the moment was that he couldn’t not be around Dora; yet all his concerns were still seemed valid.
Whilst sorting through his belongings that he’d retrieved from Grimmauld Place, he came across a box containing his parents’ wedding rings and his mother’s engagement ring. He’d taken them from his parents’ Gringotts vault before that night in the Ministry, when happiness had given him unusual optimism and he’d planned to propose. Taking the rings out of the box, he held them up and inspected them, his mind whirling. Was Dora right, was love the only thing that mattered? Remus didn’t know, but his heart leapt at the idea of being with Dora, of holding her, of loving her. The idea of waking up to her beautiful face every morning seemed like a treasure too far beyond his reach, but at the same time he knew he only had to ask and it could be a reality. His mind then turned to Dumbledore. No-one had thought he would die, least of all Remus. Dumbledore had always seemed so invincible. If he could die then so could anyone, the next one might be him or Dora. Would he really want that to happen without her knowing how he really felt about her? Could he really propose? Should he? He was certain that Dora was the only woman he wanted to be his wife, but he was still unsure on how fair that was to her. But he had to admit that the idea of making her his wife filled him with a joy that he’d never felt before.
The day before Dumbledore’s funeral found Remus and Dora heading for St Bee’s Head, Dora side-along apparating to allow for an element of surprise. Once they had arrived at their destination, he watched with a smile as Dora’s eyes fluttered about the bay with clear delight.
“St Bee’s, Remus! This is where we had our first date”, she exclaimed as she hugged him tightly.
“I know Dora, I remember. This place has so many memories for me, that’s why I wanted to bring you here today.”
At her puzzled look, he pulled out of her embrace and led her by the hand to the edge of the water. Leaving her there, gazing out to sea, he strode over to the rocks where he’d stashed a picnic basket and blanket. Spreading the blanket out on the sand, he called Dora, who turned smiling broadly when she set eyes on the picnic.
“Remus this is perfect! Just like our first date. It’s like starting again. We can get it right this time. Oh wow, chocolate éclairs, mmm. Are they from that bakery in the village? They are so yum.”
Remus chuckled as Dora babbled and exclaimed over the picnic, but suddenly he felt quite nervous. He wondered whether they were truly ready for this, or was it a step too far too soon. And the way things were going should he really ask her to join her life to a dark creature? Taking a deep breath to put all his concerns aside, he dropped down onto the blanket next to her. They chattered on about meaningless things as they ate, relaxing in each other’s company as they had during the last few days. When all the food was gone and the sun started to set on the bay, Remus summoned his Gryffindor courage, and turned to face her. Meeting his eyes she smiled and it felt like the perfect moment.
“This feels like the calm before the storm. We bury Dumbledore tomorrow and then who knows what’ll happen”, he said trying to get his thoughts under control.
“Frankly I’m surprised Voldemort hasn’t made a move yet, I can’t believe he’s actually mourning Dumbledore”, she commented as her focus went back out to sea.
“That’s why I wanted to come here today, we may not get another chance to have this time together and before anything else happens, I wanted you to know...I wanted to say... I know you’ve told me million times”, they exchanged smiles at the private joke, “that you don’t care what I am or what I’ve done, that being in love is enough. I really want that to be true Dora. And the last few days I’ve just kept thinking what if it’d been me. I don’t want to die without you knowing just how much you mean to me. I love you more than I ever thought possible. And whilst my concerns are real and I won’t dismiss them. I do want to try and not focus on them so much. To enjoy what we have and what time we have without worrying about a future we might never see.”
He took the rings out of his pocket and held them in front of him.
“These are my parent’s rings. They’re not much but they mean something to me and they would mean even more if you were wearing them. If I die in this war, I want to die as your husband. Will you be my wife?”
Suddenly Remus found himself lying on his back on the sand as Dora flung herself at him kissing him with a force she had not exhibited since their reunion. When they finally broke apart both gasping for breath, he smiled.
“I’ll take it that’s a yes then!” he said chuckling.
Laughing she replied, “Yes! Definitely a yes!”
She recaptured his lips and their kiss became more passionate, their hands wandering with a confidence they hadn’t felt in some time. He rolled them both over so Dora was lying in the sand, but just as he was sliding his hands up her torso to remove her top, a loud caw from a passing seagull reminded him of their location. Reluctantly pulling away, he smiled down at her.
“I think we’d better take this inside before we give the seagulls an eyeful.”
They both laughed as they sat up and readjusted their clothing. They stood and shook the sand out of their clothes and hair. As Remus cleared up their picnic, Dora strode over to the water’s edge.
“Here”, she stated firmly, turning to grin at him, “I want to get married here on this beach. As soon as possible. I don’t care who’s here, as long as it’s you and me and a Ministry Official... and perhaps my parents.”
It made perfect sense to Remus. He banished the picnic basket and blanket, strode forward and wrapped his arms around her pulling her back flush against him as they both gazed into the sunset.
He kissed her temple and whispered, “That would be perfect.”
She turned in his arms and as they kissed, he apparated them back to her flat where they could celebrate in private.
The days following the funeral were a blur and he hardly saw Dora. Between the Order and the Auror Department they were both kept busy. They did fit in a tense dinner with her parents where they announced their engagement; an announcement that did not appear to particularly rejoice his future in-laws. However they did at least appear to be supporting Dora in her wedding preparations. Remus had been given little to do except ensure that the beach was both free and secure. A task with which he secured the help of Mad-Eye Moody, who muttered about “constant vigilance” and gruffly told him to “take care of that silly girl”. Therefore his wedding day dawned without his knowing exactly what to expect. He dressed in the new suit Dora had purchased for him for the occasion. In absence of Sirius or James, whose photographs he had in his pocket, he’d asked Arthur to stand as Best Man.
Standing on St Bee’s Beach, in front of the Ministry Official with Arthur at his side waiting for Dora and her parents, it felt right. This place, that had seen so many of Remus’ important life events, where only two weeks before he had proposed to Dora, was to be the place where he would officially pledge his life to hers. It was to be a small wedding just them, the Official, Dora’s parents, Arthur and Molly, Mad-Eye and Minerva. Remus had apologised that it had to be that small, that she couldn’t have all her friends and the lavish wedding she deserved. She’d shushed him and declared that all she needed was him and her parents. Her parents. Remus had got the impression that they hadn’t been so impressed with Dora’s choice of husband. When he’d broached the matter with her, she’d attributed it to their having seen her distress during the previous year and not to their being overly concerned with his condition. Remus could not be so sure. But before his thoughts could turn towards the gloomy, three cracks announced the arrival of Dora, Andromeda and Ted.
Remus turned to see Dora walking towards him hand in hand with her father, her mother trailing slightly behind. He felt the breath catch in his throat, she looked incredible, more beautiful than ever. Her hair, her (and his) favourite shade of bubblegum pink, held back with a large daisy. Her bridal gown was a beautiful 1950s style gown which showed off her natural curves. Although he knew it had been her Granny Tonks’ gown, it was as if it had been created for her. He had a brief pang that no-one else could see how incredible she looked at this moment but he was also thankful that they had this moment at all. When she reached him, she smiled up at him and his breath was taken away yet again by the look of love in her eyes.
“Wotcher”, she smiled.
“Hello”, he smiled back.
They stood there grinning at each other for a few moments until the Official cleared his throat and drew their attention back to their surroundings. The Official then proceeded through the ceremony. Although Remus was only half aware of the proceedings, being much too distracted at the thoughts running through his head, of how much he loved her, how incredible she looked and how amazing it was that she loved him. But as she stated her vows with clarity and determination his attention was fully hers and he couldn’t help the grin that spread across his face. Then it was his turn.
As he repeated the words vowing to stand by Dora, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, he couldn’t help the chuckle as he met her eye. But as the Official declared them bonded for life, all amusement faded away. He gazed into the eyes of his new wife and felt such a sense of completeness that he had never felt before. The clouds cleared and the sun shone down on them, making the sea sparkle and surrounding them with a golden glow. A perfect moment. Remus had never felt so happy.
Once the appropriate paperwork had been completed, Remus trying very hard not to let the appearance of the word Werewolf on the form spoil his pleasure, Mad-Eye left with the Official to both ensure the paperwork was filed correctly and to obliviate the Official to ensure word of their union did not become Ministry gossip too soon.
Andromeda and Molly then took control of proceedings setting out a picnic wedding breakfast as Remus and Dora stood watching with their arms wrapped around each other. The picnic was simple but delicious. The small company toasted the marriage with champagne provided by Ted who gave an emotional toast to his “bright, brilliant and beautiful daughter” that put a brilliant smile on Dora’s face and tears in her eyes. Minerva gave an anecdote filled toast to both of them, filled with stories of Hogwarts exploits. And then it was Remus’ turn to speak. He felt a little light-headed from the champagne, the affection of his friends and mostly the intoxication of being married to the love of his life. Extracting himself from Dora’s arms he stood and pulled Dora to her feet. Holding his glass in one hand and Dora’s hand in the other he looked deep into her eyes.
“Dora....I can’t even begin to tell you how much you mean to me. No-one has ever loved me like you do. When you stood there in the Hogwarts hospital wing and told everyone how much you don’t care about all things that I thought were insurmountable obstacles, all I could think was how beautiful you are and how much I didn’t deserve you.”
He could see Dora about to dispute him and he lifted his hand to place the tips of his fingers on her lips. He looked over at her parents.
“I know I’ve hurt Dora in the past. But it’s never been because I don’t love her. It’s because I never thought that could be enough. Dora’s told me a million times that she doesn’t care what I am and now I’m finally starting to believe her.”
She smiled up at him and they lent in for a tender kiss. At that moment Remus felt on top of the world, all his worries seemed meaningless and the war seemed a world away. All that mattered was Dora, making her happy and being happy himself. He had never felt so free.
The End
Author’s Note 2: St Bee’s Head is a real location, watching Julia Bradbury’s series on Alfred Wainwright’s Coast to Coast Walk inspired me to set Remus’ childhood there, with a little artistic licence ;)