For the Want of Your Love
Title: For the Want of Your Love
Author: captainraz
Rating & Warnings: K+ just to be safe
Prompts: "Cowards die many times before their deaths,
The valiant never taste of death but once."
Julius Caesar (act 2, scene two, lines 32-37) and loyal
Word Count: 1647
Summary: Tonks is seeking solace after the events at Hogwarts when old issues are brought up again. Can they now be resolved?
Author’s Notes: My first completed attempt at a post Hospital Wing reconciliation, and I’m fairly happy with it. Also, my first real fic in well over six months, so please be nice with me :)
Tonks couldn’t sleep. She was restless, and no wonder, given the night that she’d had. The entire Order had been put up in guest rooms at Hogwarts after the battle; it was an admirable attempt at solidarity and comfort, but it just wasn’t working for Tonks. No matter where she went or what she did, three images remained fixed in her mind, playing over and over, haunting her; Bill Weasley’s disfigured face, Harry Potter delivering the news of Dumbledore’s death and Remus, rejecting her, yet again. Sleep would not come to her with these three scenes playing perpetually in her conscious, so she found herself wandering the castle that was once so familiar. Once upon a time she had known every nook and cranny, every secret passageway and all the best hiding places. How far removed she felt from the little girl who had possessed that knowledge, and that innocence.
The images reeled around again, and she found herself at the astronomy tower. To the little girl whose innocence had long ago been lost it had been a place of fun; a place to hide with friends and swap sweets and stories and the latest Zonko’s gadget, a place to bring boys and sneak a snog. To the woman who now stood there, it was a place of sorrow and despair, a place of hurt and a place of grief. It was in this place that their leader had fallen, their cause had been betrayed, their hope had been lost, and their dear friend had died. Tonks leaned against the precipice, almost in the very spot where Dumbledore had been killed, fighting the tears that threatened to overwhelm her.
“You shouldn’t be up here, Nymphadora; you should try get some sleep tonight,” said a voice from behind her. It was an all too familiar voice, one that once would have been able to comfort her in her distress. Tonight, however, all that particular voice did for her was cause hurt and anger, the resurfacing of painful memories and rising frustration at herself for her lack of constant vigilance.
“I could say exactly the same about you, Remus,” she replied, her voice as cold as ice and like a knife through her own heart.
“Tonks…” whispered Remus as he moved towards her. He placed his hand on her shoulder, but she snatched it away angrily, the tears finally falling down her face. She made no move to stem the flow.
“Tonks, I’m so sorry,” he said quietly and hoarsely. “I never meant to hurt you; I would never have wanted to do that. I thought I was doing the right thing…”
“You were never doing the right thing, Remus; you were doing the cowardly thing. Because that’s what you are, you’re a coward. You’re a man without the courage to stand by to the woman he loves at a difficult time. You abandoned me Remus…”
“I did no such thing!” he protested, his voice rising almost to a shout that echoed in the silence of the night.
“You left me Remus! You left when I needed you the most.”
“I left for your own good, because I thought it was the right thing to do. I was protecting you from me, because I love you. Everything I did was for you, thinking only of you! If the only way I could keep you safe was by leaving then that was damn well what I was going to do. But I never stopped loving you; I have always remained faithful to you.”
“I never doubted your fidelity, Remus; I always knew you loved me, that’s why it hurt so much you leaving me. It might have been easier if you’d just left me for another woman. Instead you left me for a mission and an ideal; a foolish ideal.”
His face hardened then, as it had done during the course of so many arguments. It was at this point she always knew that her efforts were in vain. This time around it felt different; he had come after her, and he had started this argument. She had almost given up on him ever coming round and coming back to her after the rejection in the Hospital Wing, but after so many months of fighting she at least wanted something to show for her efforts; in the very least she wanted him to acknowledge that she was right, she wanted him to admit he had been wrong to leave her. She stared at him, allowing her gaze to bore into him. Remus’ face was an inscrutable mask, though his eyes were dark and stormy and angry as he spoke his next hurtful words.
“We are at war Nymphadora; there are more important things at stake than just us. During wartime there are needs; there are duties to fulfil and sacrifices must be made. We cannot shirk our responsibilities for the sake of ourselves.”
He was using his professor voice; the one that he had frequently used with the children at Grimmauld, and with Sirius when he was being particularly petulant. Tonks did not appreciate him using it on her, but was used to it by now during their quarrels and just about managed to keep her temper in check.
“Yes, I know we are at war Remus; I am an Auror, I’m on one of the front lines. And this has been precisely my point; it is wartime, and we need each other more than ever. We’re stronger together than we are apart, and we work best as a team. Us being together would be good for the war, but more than that we need each other. Not just to survive this war but to live; to have a chance of a real life once it’s all finished. That’s what you’ve never been able to get!” she shouted.
Tonks pushed past him, trying to run way from this place that was so full of pain and sorrow but he grabbed hold of her hand to stop her. She turned round angrily to tell him to let her go but the words stopped in her throat at the look in his eyes. There were a myriad of emotions whirling around in those emotive grey eyes of his; there was sorrow and anguish, pain and anger, grief and uncertainty, but also hope and love. It was a beautiful sight to behold, and it stole her breath away.
“Tonks, I’m sorry. I’m sorry for everything; I never meant to hurt you. I’ve never felt more alive than I do when I’m with you, and I was afraid of it. I’ve spent my whole life being afraid; afraid of hurting people, of hurting you; afraid to live.” Her face softened slightly then, letting go of her anger. He continued with a big sigh: “It feels like I’ve lost everything; I lost my parents my friends, I’ve even lost my rights and my humanity. Now even Dumbledore is dead. And I’ve been pushing away the only thing I have left, like a fool. I don’t know what to do; I feel like I will inevitably hurt you either way and somehow this way feels better.”
He looked so dejected, stood there holding her hand to prevent her from leaving with a look of distress and indecision in his eyes that Tonks’ heart nearly broke there and then. With her free hand she reached up to wiped her tears away, sniffing loudly as she did so. Then, she stepped closer to him, so close that she was nearly pressed up against that familiar lean body, and automatically his arms went around her. Marvelling at the way Remus’ arms felt around her after so long without the feeling, Tonks reached up to touch his face, stroke his cheek.
“You can’t hurt me Remus, not if we’re together. Of that much I am sure. If you’re unsure what the right thing to do is, then trust me to know what’s best for both of us,” she whispered as she caressed his stubbly and tired face. Though he was clearly exhausted from the battle and his face did not change, Tonks saw something change in his eyes. Somehow they were brighter, clearer, with a hint of their old mischief. All of the pain and sorrow and grief and uncertainty were gone, and only his love for her shone from his eyes. She knew then that she had finally managed to convince him that she had been right all along; they were much stronger together. After months of pushing and fighting and arguing she had finally won. But more than that they had won. Everything else would follow.
Remus bent his head and pressed his lips to hers, and they shared their first kiss for more than half a year. It was a beautiful and intense thing, at once as exciting and exhilarating as their first, and yet moving on a deeper level. Eventually though, he pulled away form her, but only far enough so he could rest this head on her forehead.
“There’s so much we need to talk about; there’s still so much I have to say, so much I still have to apologise for,” he said. His voice sounded hoarse, but Tonks knew it was husky from their kiss.
“Not right now though, not tonight. Tonight I just need you; I need to you to hold me like you used to so I can forget everything for a while.”
Remus made no reply, he merely pulled her closer and held her. Long into the night they stood there, hearts and minds and bodies entwined. And for a while they were whole, and the memories went away.
Tonight they were alive and they were together; they had taken losses but they had emerged victorious, and they were valiant.
Author: captainraz
Rating & Warnings: K+ just to be safe
Prompts: "Cowards die many times before their deaths,
The valiant never taste of death but once."
Julius Caesar (act 2, scene two, lines 32-37) and loyal
Word Count: 1647
Summary: Tonks is seeking solace after the events at Hogwarts when old issues are brought up again. Can they now be resolved?
Author’s Notes: My first completed attempt at a post Hospital Wing reconciliation, and I’m fairly happy with it. Also, my first real fic in well over six months, so please be nice with me :)
Tonks couldn’t sleep. She was restless, and no wonder, given the night that she’d had. The entire Order had been put up in guest rooms at Hogwarts after the battle; it was an admirable attempt at solidarity and comfort, but it just wasn’t working for Tonks. No matter where she went or what she did, three images remained fixed in her mind, playing over and over, haunting her; Bill Weasley’s disfigured face, Harry Potter delivering the news of Dumbledore’s death and Remus, rejecting her, yet again. Sleep would not come to her with these three scenes playing perpetually in her conscious, so she found herself wandering the castle that was once so familiar. Once upon a time she had known every nook and cranny, every secret passageway and all the best hiding places. How far removed she felt from the little girl who had possessed that knowledge, and that innocence.
The images reeled around again, and she found herself at the astronomy tower. To the little girl whose innocence had long ago been lost it had been a place of fun; a place to hide with friends and swap sweets and stories and the latest Zonko’s gadget, a place to bring boys and sneak a snog. To the woman who now stood there, it was a place of sorrow and despair, a place of hurt and a place of grief. It was in this place that their leader had fallen, their cause had been betrayed, their hope had been lost, and their dear friend had died. Tonks leaned against the precipice, almost in the very spot where Dumbledore had been killed, fighting the tears that threatened to overwhelm her.
“You shouldn’t be up here, Nymphadora; you should try get some sleep tonight,” said a voice from behind her. It was an all too familiar voice, one that once would have been able to comfort her in her distress. Tonight, however, all that particular voice did for her was cause hurt and anger, the resurfacing of painful memories and rising frustration at herself for her lack of constant vigilance.
“I could say exactly the same about you, Remus,” she replied, her voice as cold as ice and like a knife through her own heart.
“Tonks…” whispered Remus as he moved towards her. He placed his hand on her shoulder, but she snatched it away angrily, the tears finally falling down her face. She made no move to stem the flow.
“Tonks, I’m so sorry,” he said quietly and hoarsely. “I never meant to hurt you; I would never have wanted to do that. I thought I was doing the right thing…”
“You were never doing the right thing, Remus; you were doing the cowardly thing. Because that’s what you are, you’re a coward. You’re a man without the courage to stand by to the woman he loves at a difficult time. You abandoned me Remus…”
“I did no such thing!” he protested, his voice rising almost to a shout that echoed in the silence of the night.
“You left me Remus! You left when I needed you the most.”
“I left for your own good, because I thought it was the right thing to do. I was protecting you from me, because I love you. Everything I did was for you, thinking only of you! If the only way I could keep you safe was by leaving then that was damn well what I was going to do. But I never stopped loving you; I have always remained faithful to you.”
“I never doubted your fidelity, Remus; I always knew you loved me, that’s why it hurt so much you leaving me. It might have been easier if you’d just left me for another woman. Instead you left me for a mission and an ideal; a foolish ideal.”
His face hardened then, as it had done during the course of so many arguments. It was at this point she always knew that her efforts were in vain. This time around it felt different; he had come after her, and he had started this argument. She had almost given up on him ever coming round and coming back to her after the rejection in the Hospital Wing, but after so many months of fighting she at least wanted something to show for her efforts; in the very least she wanted him to acknowledge that she was right, she wanted him to admit he had been wrong to leave her. She stared at him, allowing her gaze to bore into him. Remus’ face was an inscrutable mask, though his eyes were dark and stormy and angry as he spoke his next hurtful words.
“We are at war Nymphadora; there are more important things at stake than just us. During wartime there are needs; there are duties to fulfil and sacrifices must be made. We cannot shirk our responsibilities for the sake of ourselves.”
He was using his professor voice; the one that he had frequently used with the children at Grimmauld, and with Sirius when he was being particularly petulant. Tonks did not appreciate him using it on her, but was used to it by now during their quarrels and just about managed to keep her temper in check.
“Yes, I know we are at war Remus; I am an Auror, I’m on one of the front lines. And this has been precisely my point; it is wartime, and we need each other more than ever. We’re stronger together than we are apart, and we work best as a team. Us being together would be good for the war, but more than that we need each other. Not just to survive this war but to live; to have a chance of a real life once it’s all finished. That’s what you’ve never been able to get!” she shouted.
Tonks pushed past him, trying to run way from this place that was so full of pain and sorrow but he grabbed hold of her hand to stop her. She turned round angrily to tell him to let her go but the words stopped in her throat at the look in his eyes. There were a myriad of emotions whirling around in those emotive grey eyes of his; there was sorrow and anguish, pain and anger, grief and uncertainty, but also hope and love. It was a beautiful sight to behold, and it stole her breath away.
“Tonks, I’m sorry. I’m sorry for everything; I never meant to hurt you. I’ve never felt more alive than I do when I’m with you, and I was afraid of it. I’ve spent my whole life being afraid; afraid of hurting people, of hurting you; afraid to live.” Her face softened slightly then, letting go of her anger. He continued with a big sigh: “It feels like I’ve lost everything; I lost my parents my friends, I’ve even lost my rights and my humanity. Now even Dumbledore is dead. And I’ve been pushing away the only thing I have left, like a fool. I don’t know what to do; I feel like I will inevitably hurt you either way and somehow this way feels better.”
He looked so dejected, stood there holding her hand to prevent her from leaving with a look of distress and indecision in his eyes that Tonks’ heart nearly broke there and then. With her free hand she reached up to wiped her tears away, sniffing loudly as she did so. Then, she stepped closer to him, so close that she was nearly pressed up against that familiar lean body, and automatically his arms went around her. Marvelling at the way Remus’ arms felt around her after so long without the feeling, Tonks reached up to touch his face, stroke his cheek.
“You can’t hurt me Remus, not if we’re together. Of that much I am sure. If you’re unsure what the right thing to do is, then trust me to know what’s best for both of us,” she whispered as she caressed his stubbly and tired face. Though he was clearly exhausted from the battle and his face did not change, Tonks saw something change in his eyes. Somehow they were brighter, clearer, with a hint of their old mischief. All of the pain and sorrow and grief and uncertainty were gone, and only his love for her shone from his eyes. She knew then that she had finally managed to convince him that she had been right all along; they were much stronger together. After months of pushing and fighting and arguing she had finally won. But more than that they had won. Everything else would follow.
Remus bent his head and pressed his lips to hers, and they shared their first kiss for more than half a year. It was a beautiful and intense thing, at once as exciting and exhilarating as their first, and yet moving on a deeper level. Eventually though, he pulled away form her, but only far enough so he could rest this head on her forehead.
“There’s so much we need to talk about; there’s still so much I have to say, so much I still have to apologise for,” he said. His voice sounded hoarse, but Tonks knew it was husky from their kiss.
“Not right now though, not tonight. Tonight I just need you; I need to you to hold me like you used to so I can forget everything for a while.”
Remus made no reply, he merely pulled her closer and held her. Long into the night they stood there, hearts and minds and bodies entwined. And for a while they were whole, and the memories went away.
Tonight they were alive and they were together; they had taken losses but they had emerged victorious, and they were valiant.