cmovie: The Heroic Trio
THIS MOVIE IS TERRIBLE, BUT I LOVED IT AND MUST HAVE MY OWN COPY!
I’m not spoilercutting because I’m not sure any of it makes sense anyway!
There is a flying motorcycle! A flying decapitator that looks like a birdcage! A mindless flunky who I think ate his own hand!
But that is irrelevant. More importantly, there is Michelle Yeoh, who plays a spy/kidnapper/assassin who is in love with a sweet scientist who her evil boss has ordered her to kill once he has perfected his invisibility cloak. Though he’s dying because of his science anyway, but keeping it a secret from her. He has about 5 death scenes, to the point where it actually becomes mostly irrelevant whether or not he actually gets fridged to further her angst. At some point, to further the dramatic death scene (I think the second one), papers start to dramatically fly around his workshop , which is a glass-encased, air-tight room in their house.
When she was about 8, Michelle Yeoh (I caught no names! Actually, I think everyone had, like, 5.) fell off the cliff her master ordered her and her sister (I think it’s her sister.) to climb a cliff and baby!Michelle Yeoh fell off, so she ended up with the evil master. As one does when the good guys kick one out. Her evil master is ordering her to kidnap babies who might be the next emperor. Said master is an albino with horns, though I’m not sure if said horns were part of a terrible headdress, or actually meant to be horns.
Opposing them is Anita Mui, Michelle Yeoh’s sister, who grew up to be a masked superheroine who is married to China’s only competent cop. She fights crime in a mask, an ugly cape, and a minidress, and runs on telephone wires. Finally there’s Maggie Cheung, a mercenary who is the owner of the flying motorcycle, and who throws dynamite into trashcans for makeshift rockets. She, too, was once an inhuman servant of the horned albino babynapping eunich (Did I mention that part yet?) but escaped 10 years ago. Possibly with Michelle Yeoh’s help. I wasn’t clear on that part, but it suits my kinks well, so we’ll go with it.
Most of the movie seems to have been filmed in a dingy warehouse with bad lighting, and the occasional alley. The costuming and hair are atrocious, and there are several times when they seem to be trying to convince us that dirty icky sheets are dramatic capes, and there are a couple things they do involving the babies that I still can’t quite believe they actually did, in the “No! I can’t believe you went there!” way. The plot, needless to say, is almost nonsensical. But there are women kicking butt and servicing my fictional kinks despite bad writing and men who don’t mind that their significant others are masked superheroines or assassins sent to kill them, and it’s so ridiculously cracktastic that it makes me flail a bit.
I understand there is a sequel! Is it also awesomely cracktastic? Does the budget exceed $5? Are there any other movies about Michelle Yeoh, Maggie Cheung and Anita Mui saving the world?
I’m not spoilercutting because I’m not sure any of it makes sense anyway!
There is a flying motorcycle! A flying decapitator that looks like a birdcage! A mindless flunky who I think ate his own hand!
But that is irrelevant. More importantly, there is Michelle Yeoh, who plays a spy/kidnapper/assassin who is in love with a sweet scientist who her evil boss has ordered her to kill once he has perfected his invisibility cloak. Though he’s dying because of his science anyway, but keeping it a secret from her. He has about 5 death scenes, to the point where it actually becomes mostly irrelevant whether or not he actually gets fridged to further her angst. At some point, to further the dramatic death scene (I think the second one), papers start to dramatically fly around his workshop , which is a glass-encased, air-tight room in their house.
When she was about 8, Michelle Yeoh (I caught no names! Actually, I think everyone had, like, 5.) fell off the cliff her master ordered her and her sister (I think it’s her sister.) to climb a cliff and baby!Michelle Yeoh fell off, so she ended up with the evil master. As one does when the good guys kick one out. Her evil master is ordering her to kidnap babies who might be the next emperor. Said master is an albino with horns, though I’m not sure if said horns were part of a terrible headdress, or actually meant to be horns.
Opposing them is Anita Mui, Michelle Yeoh’s sister, who grew up to be a masked superheroine who is married to China’s only competent cop. She fights crime in a mask, an ugly cape, and a minidress, and runs on telephone wires. Finally there’s Maggie Cheung, a mercenary who is the owner of the flying motorcycle, and who throws dynamite into trashcans for makeshift rockets. She, too, was once an inhuman servant of the horned albino babynapping eunich (Did I mention that part yet?) but escaped 10 years ago. Possibly with Michelle Yeoh’s help. I wasn’t clear on that part, but it suits my kinks well, so we’ll go with it.
Most of the movie seems to have been filmed in a dingy warehouse with bad lighting, and the occasional alley. The costuming and hair are atrocious, and there are several times when they seem to be trying to convince us that dirty icky sheets are dramatic capes, and there are a couple things they do involving the babies that I still can’t quite believe they actually did, in the “No! I can’t believe you went there!” way. The plot, needless to say, is almost nonsensical. But there are women kicking butt and servicing my fictional kinks despite bad writing and men who don’t mind that their significant others are masked superheroines or assassins sent to kill them, and it’s so ridiculously cracktastic that it makes me flail a bit.
I understand there is a sequel! Is it also awesomely cracktastic? Does the budget exceed $5? Are there any other movies about Michelle Yeoh, Maggie Cheung and Anita Mui saving the world?