Chaos Unlimited: Chapter Three
Chapter Three: The Ensign Always bites it - By Esther
Captain Bridger, and the others, stood by the Mag-Lift™, ready to assume positions. Riker considered a position with Deanna Troi but decided against it because she was not here and having sex on the bridge was specifically against the rules. Captain Picard always frowned upon Riker taking his latest girlfriend at the OPS station.
Riker began practicing his 'Hello, I'm a stud' look on his face when Q suddenly appeared. Q looked around the room, focusing on Quark. A mirror in the background shattered. Q sneezed twice and left in his place were Buck Rogers (the dashing, tall, dark and handsome captain from the 24th Century. Take a left at the alternate universe with Mr. Ed leading the United States during WWIII and through the Stargate near Saturn), Princess Ardala (who instantly blinded everyone except Data, who said "I am an android and have no emotions," then passed out). There was Starbuck (a blond Buck Rogers), Apollo (a good-looking but vaguely reminding everyone of their high school math teacher) and Crichton (the robot with an extendo-neck from hell and an overinflated ego).
By this time, although no one was looking at their watches at the time, no one would have been surprised to see the newcomers. But this is not Alien Nation, so they were not real newcomers. They were memorex.
Anyway, everyone was regaining their eyesight from the blinding 22 triple-D chest in front of them. Data was also regaining consciousness. Riker was the first to regain his eyesight and he immediately yelled, "Hello NUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURSE!" before regaining his composure and striking his 'I’m gorgeous and I know it' pose. Ardalla was not paying attention, though, because she was watching the groin area on Starbuck while he was putting on sunglasses to block the blinding beauty in front of him.
Ardalla floated over to Starbuck on her royal cloud (God forbid a princess would have to walk!) and was looking him over when Buck Rogers noticed.
"Hey," Buck Rogers yelled out. "I'm over here, toots! What are you looking at him for? You're supposed to be chasing me. I'm the one you seduced and shot at for all those years on my show. I made you, babe and I can break you, just the same!"
Ardalla flipped her hair, "Sit down and shut up, Buck. Jeez!" By the time the bridge crew had regained their eyesight they realized that they were still just standing around. SeaQuest was still going forward. No one was steering yet and the cafeteria was out of decaf. Captain Bridger began to worry.
"Well," Bridger began to slowly move towards the captain's chair, pretending that he was not, so that no one else would notice, "I guess I'd better take command of this vessel."
The other captains had other ideas. There was a mad scramble for the captain's chair. Someone yelled out, "There can be only one!" There was a flash of lightning and a previously unknown ensign fell to the floor, minus his head.
When the dust had settled there were five bodies piled on the captain's chair and one on the floor. Data looked down at the body on the floor, "That is what happens when they bring an extra along for the ride," and then he started flinging off the bodies one by one. At the bottom of the pile was Riker, all bruised but in one piece.
Bridger pouted and Riker stuck out his tongue at him. Bridger crossed his arms and muttered, "At least I don't wear spandex." Riker shot back, "Well, I pose better and at least I can get a girl once an episode."
Bridger turned red in the face but kept his temper in check because everyone else and the leftover captains were lining up for the race to the commander's chair. They knelt down, all wearing Nikes. Riker fired the starter gun and they sprinted.
When the dust cleared this time, Starbuck was in the commander's chair. Bridger was nearly in tears by now. He stamped his foot and whined, "It's my ship! Mine! Mine! Mine!"
Starbuck gloated, "Well, I guess you just don't have what it takes, huh?"
Princess Ardalla managed to get the communication's desk simply by turning on her royal charm. All of the men passed out as she swung her chest in their direction. Ardalla floated casually over to the chair, gave her cloud a treat, and sat down, pouting.
"I'm not wearing one of those pokey things in my ear, am I?" she asked, batting her eyelashes and inhaling deeply enough to cause Riker's eyes to bulge.
Riker began drooling and Starbuck said, "Well, of course not, honey."
Buck Rogers was about to pulverize Starbuck, when he realized there was still the radar screen left. Everyone scrambled for the chair but Bridger was already there. He had finally resorted to biting, scratching and pulling hair.
"You fight like a girl," Data observed, "of course, the girls on Seti-Alfa Seven have large horns on their head to be able to slash each other and there are women on Nardic-Eleven that wear spiked bras to poke out people's eyes..."
Bridger whined, "Don't you have an off switch?"
"Not where you or anyone else can find it," Data replied. "Last time someone found my off switch, I was turned off every five minutes. I don't understand why, though. It is not as though I am annoying. I just do not understand why people do not wish to hear my information..."
Riker came up behind him and thunked him upside the head. Data stuttered. "My information... My information... Huh? Oh yes. Sir, it will be beneficial if I go down to engineering and run things from down there."
Riker leaned over to Bridger, "It works every time." Crichton looked up- or rather down- and said, "I'll go, too. I'll probably get more done. Incidently, I can use contractions. Nyah, nyah, nyah, nyah, nyah."
Data calmly said, "Yes, and I can step over door frames. At least I have legs." He stuck out his tongue and stepped into the Mag-Lift™.
Crichton hurried after him and promptly got stuck. Data to had to lift him into the car. Both he and Crichton were dripped on as they entered. As the doors closed, they heard over the speakers, "Thank you for using Mag-Lift™. Now available for parties and bar mitvas."
"How annoying," said Crichton. "And why does it thank you for using Mag-Lift™? Why not just Mag-lift? I just don't understand."
Meanwhile, back on the bridge, everyone started hearing odd music. Data was not there, so it could not be him malfunctioning again and picking up old AM stations. "It's time for An-imaniacs. And we' re zany to the max..." And Yakko, Wakko and Dot ran by.
"Don't just stand there. Do something!" Riker yelled. Quark ran after them.
Apollo stood up and said, "You know, they're just children..."
"Shut up," Riker snapped, "If I am going to be captain on this vessel, you will obey my orders or," he thought for a second, "I suppose I could always fire you out the torpedo tubes."
"What's a torpedo tube?" Starbuck asked but then regretted it when Riker glared at him.
Apollo was nearly on the verge of tears. He looked towards the sky. Well, he would have, if they would not have been in a submarine. He said, "Every chapter I am supposed to say a line, but Riker won't let me, so... fine. This is my line." He turned and stormed out. The Mag-Lift™ thanked him as the doors closed. Secretly, Apollo wondered what the ™ was for.
Just then, Bridger detected something on the radar. He called up the image on the screen and there, dead ahead of them, was... CALIFORNIA!!!
"According to my calculations," the Doctor said, "shouldn't we be in the Gulf of Mexico?"
"Didn't I hear another sneeze?" Riker asked. He looked up and said into the thin air, "Q!" Then he gasped, realizing that the air was thin where he had looked up at.
Just then, a blonde haired woman appeared on Data's lap in engineering. She looked at him, eyes wide open, "Helloooooooooooo Nurse!"
"Who are you?" Data asked.
"I am Nurse Chapel."
"Nurse Chapel?" Data tilted his head, "computer, who is Nurse Chapel?"
She looked at him and said, "Nurse Chapel was stationed on the Enterprise NCC-1701. She was transferred to Starfleet Academy during the next few years before vanishing mysteriously."
Data stared at her, "You are Nurse Chapel?"
"I am Nurse Chapel," she said in her computer voice, "uh," she cleared her throat and said, "I am Nurse Chapel. I think. Or am I Lwaxana Troi, or Number One, or the computer, or Nurse Chapel, or Lwaxana Chapel, or Nurse computer..."
"Whatever," Data responded.
On the bridge, Bridger was making an announcement, "Impact in 3.2 seconds."
"Impact what?" Riker asked.
"California," Bridger replied. "Red Alert!" Riker yelled, "Raise shields!" Everyone turned around and said, "What?"
"Oh," Riker paused, "what do I say? Pull out? No, that's not right. Pull up? Yeah, pull up!"
The SeaQuest screeched and careened wildly, causing a tidal wave. Unknown to the crew that they had just caused what could be the worst disaster in the history of California, they turned around.
Meanwhile, down in the bowels of the ship, Ryoga was hopelessly lost and wandering aimlessly. Then he heard this strange music begin playing. The music reminded him of Saturday morning cartoons. Of course, he had grown up in Japan and there were no Saturday morning cartons in Japan, besides speed racer. All of the good ones didn't come until later. so he wondered where that thought had come from in the first place. As he pondered it, three animals of unknown status ran him down.
His umbrella was knocked from his hand. Just as he was about to pick it up, water dropped on him and POOF! A cute piglet ran in his place. Just then the SeaQuest moved to avoid
California. As it careened upside down, Ryoga was tossed to the upper sections of the ship. He was thrown like a marble through a maze. He rolled and rolled and rolled and rolled and rolled until he rolled and rolled onto the bridge. He was rolling a lot.
Ardala looked up and said, "I think someone is trying to contact us."
"Yes, but are they hiding something?" Riker asked, then said, "On screen."
"This is the Governor of California. I don't know what you're doing here. Weren't you in the Gulf of Mexico just a few hours ago? Well, anyway, we need help! There's a tidal wave heading towards the coast. We think it will flatten all of the state. Most people won't care, considering the fact that the rest of the country wants California to sink into the ocean, but those of us here may be bothered by it. Think of what commuter traffic will be like if it were under water."
Bridger spoke up, "I'm picking something up on radar. It looks like headlights! Is that a car?"
Chapter Four
Captain Bridger, and the others, stood by the Mag-Lift™, ready to assume positions. Riker considered a position with Deanna Troi but decided against it because she was not here and having sex on the bridge was specifically against the rules. Captain Picard always frowned upon Riker taking his latest girlfriend at the OPS station.
Riker began practicing his 'Hello, I'm a stud' look on his face when Q suddenly appeared. Q looked around the room, focusing on Quark. A mirror in the background shattered. Q sneezed twice and left in his place were Buck Rogers (the dashing, tall, dark and handsome captain from the 24th Century. Take a left at the alternate universe with Mr. Ed leading the United States during WWIII and through the Stargate near Saturn), Princess Ardala (who instantly blinded everyone except Data, who said "I am an android and have no emotions," then passed out). There was Starbuck (a blond Buck Rogers), Apollo (a good-looking but vaguely reminding everyone of their high school math teacher) and Crichton (the robot with an extendo-neck from hell and an overinflated ego).
By this time, although no one was looking at their watches at the time, no one would have been surprised to see the newcomers. But this is not Alien Nation, so they were not real newcomers. They were memorex.
Anyway, everyone was regaining their eyesight from the blinding 22 triple-D chest in front of them. Data was also regaining consciousness. Riker was the first to regain his eyesight and he immediately yelled, "Hello NUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURSE!" before regaining his composure and striking his 'I’m gorgeous and I know it' pose. Ardalla was not paying attention, though, because she was watching the groin area on Starbuck while he was putting on sunglasses to block the blinding beauty in front of him.
Ardalla floated over to Starbuck on her royal cloud (God forbid a princess would have to walk!) and was looking him over when Buck Rogers noticed.
"Hey," Buck Rogers yelled out. "I'm over here, toots! What are you looking at him for? You're supposed to be chasing me. I'm the one you seduced and shot at for all those years on my show. I made you, babe and I can break you, just the same!"
Ardalla flipped her hair, "Sit down and shut up, Buck. Jeez!" By the time the bridge crew had regained their eyesight they realized that they were still just standing around. SeaQuest was still going forward. No one was steering yet and the cafeteria was out of decaf. Captain Bridger began to worry.
"Well," Bridger began to slowly move towards the captain's chair, pretending that he was not, so that no one else would notice, "I guess I'd better take command of this vessel."
The other captains had other ideas. There was a mad scramble for the captain's chair. Someone yelled out, "There can be only one!" There was a flash of lightning and a previously unknown ensign fell to the floor, minus his head.
When the dust had settled there were five bodies piled on the captain's chair and one on the floor. Data looked down at the body on the floor, "That is what happens when they bring an extra along for the ride," and then he started flinging off the bodies one by one. At the bottom of the pile was Riker, all bruised but in one piece.
Bridger pouted and Riker stuck out his tongue at him. Bridger crossed his arms and muttered, "At least I don't wear spandex." Riker shot back, "Well, I pose better and at least I can get a girl once an episode."
Bridger turned red in the face but kept his temper in check because everyone else and the leftover captains were lining up for the race to the commander's chair. They knelt down, all wearing Nikes. Riker fired the starter gun and they sprinted.
When the dust cleared this time, Starbuck was in the commander's chair. Bridger was nearly in tears by now. He stamped his foot and whined, "It's my ship! Mine! Mine! Mine!"
Starbuck gloated, "Well, I guess you just don't have what it takes, huh?"
Princess Ardalla managed to get the communication's desk simply by turning on her royal charm. All of the men passed out as she swung her chest in their direction. Ardalla floated casually over to the chair, gave her cloud a treat, and sat down, pouting.
"I'm not wearing one of those pokey things in my ear, am I?" she asked, batting her eyelashes and inhaling deeply enough to cause Riker's eyes to bulge.
Riker began drooling and Starbuck said, "Well, of course not, honey."
Buck Rogers was about to pulverize Starbuck, when he realized there was still the radar screen left. Everyone scrambled for the chair but Bridger was already there. He had finally resorted to biting, scratching and pulling hair.
"You fight like a girl," Data observed, "of course, the girls on Seti-Alfa Seven have large horns on their head to be able to slash each other and there are women on Nardic-Eleven that wear spiked bras to poke out people's eyes..."
Bridger whined, "Don't you have an off switch?"
"Not where you or anyone else can find it," Data replied. "Last time someone found my off switch, I was turned off every five minutes. I don't understand why, though. It is not as though I am annoying. I just do not understand why people do not wish to hear my information..."
Riker came up behind him and thunked him upside the head. Data stuttered. "My information... My information... Huh? Oh yes. Sir, it will be beneficial if I go down to engineering and run things from down there."
Riker leaned over to Bridger, "It works every time." Crichton looked up- or rather down- and said, "I'll go, too. I'll probably get more done. Incidently, I can use contractions. Nyah, nyah, nyah, nyah, nyah."
Data calmly said, "Yes, and I can step over door frames. At least I have legs." He stuck out his tongue and stepped into the Mag-Lift™.
Crichton hurried after him and promptly got stuck. Data to had to lift him into the car. Both he and Crichton were dripped on as they entered. As the doors closed, they heard over the speakers, "Thank you for using Mag-Lift™. Now available for parties and bar mitvas."
"How annoying," said Crichton. "And why does it thank you for using Mag-Lift™? Why not just Mag-lift? I just don't understand."
Meanwhile, back on the bridge, everyone started hearing odd music. Data was not there, so it could not be him malfunctioning again and picking up old AM stations. "It's time for An-imaniacs. And we' re zany to the max..." And Yakko, Wakko and Dot ran by.
"Don't just stand there. Do something!" Riker yelled. Quark ran after them.
Apollo stood up and said, "You know, they're just children..."
"Shut up," Riker snapped, "If I am going to be captain on this vessel, you will obey my orders or," he thought for a second, "I suppose I could always fire you out the torpedo tubes."
"What's a torpedo tube?" Starbuck asked but then regretted it when Riker glared at him.
Apollo was nearly on the verge of tears. He looked towards the sky. Well, he would have, if they would not have been in a submarine. He said, "Every chapter I am supposed to say a line, but Riker won't let me, so... fine. This is my line." He turned and stormed out. The Mag-Lift™ thanked him as the doors closed. Secretly, Apollo wondered what the ™ was for.
Just then, Bridger detected something on the radar. He called up the image on the screen and there, dead ahead of them, was... CALIFORNIA!!!
"According to my calculations," the Doctor said, "shouldn't we be in the Gulf of Mexico?"
"Didn't I hear another sneeze?" Riker asked. He looked up and said into the thin air, "Q!" Then he gasped, realizing that the air was thin where he had looked up at.
Just then, a blonde haired woman appeared on Data's lap in engineering. She looked at him, eyes wide open, "Helloooooooooooo Nurse!"
"Who are you?" Data asked.
"I am Nurse Chapel."
"Nurse Chapel?" Data tilted his head, "computer, who is Nurse Chapel?"
She looked at him and said, "Nurse Chapel was stationed on the Enterprise NCC-1701. She was transferred to Starfleet Academy during the next few years before vanishing mysteriously."
Data stared at her, "You are Nurse Chapel?"
"I am Nurse Chapel," she said in her computer voice, "uh," she cleared her throat and said, "I am Nurse Chapel. I think. Or am I Lwaxana Troi, or Number One, or the computer, or Nurse Chapel, or Lwaxana Chapel, or Nurse computer..."
"Whatever," Data responded.
On the bridge, Bridger was making an announcement, "Impact in 3.2 seconds."
"Impact what?" Riker asked.
"California," Bridger replied. "Red Alert!" Riker yelled, "Raise shields!" Everyone turned around and said, "What?"
"Oh," Riker paused, "what do I say? Pull out? No, that's not right. Pull up? Yeah, pull up!"
The SeaQuest screeched and careened wildly, causing a tidal wave. Unknown to the crew that they had just caused what could be the worst disaster in the history of California, they turned around.
Meanwhile, down in the bowels of the ship, Ryoga was hopelessly lost and wandering aimlessly. Then he heard this strange music begin playing. The music reminded him of Saturday morning cartoons. Of course, he had grown up in Japan and there were no Saturday morning cartons in Japan, besides speed racer. All of the good ones didn't come until later. so he wondered where that thought had come from in the first place. As he pondered it, three animals of unknown status ran him down.
His umbrella was knocked from his hand. Just as he was about to pick it up, water dropped on him and POOF! A cute piglet ran in his place. Just then the SeaQuest moved to avoid
California. As it careened upside down, Ryoga was tossed to the upper sections of the ship. He was thrown like a marble through a maze. He rolled and rolled and rolled and rolled and rolled until he rolled and rolled onto the bridge. He was rolling a lot.
Ardala looked up and said, "I think someone is trying to contact us."
"Yes, but are they hiding something?" Riker asked, then said, "On screen."
"This is the Governor of California. I don't know what you're doing here. Weren't you in the Gulf of Mexico just a few hours ago? Well, anyway, we need help! There's a tidal wave heading towards the coast. We think it will flatten all of the state. Most people won't care, considering the fact that the rest of the country wants California to sink into the ocean, but those of us here may be bothered by it. Think of what commuter traffic will be like if it were under water."
Bridger spoke up, "I'm picking something up on radar. It looks like headlights! Is that a car?"
Chapter Four