Chaos Unlimited: Chapter Four
Chapter Four: What an Immortal Mess - By Patrick
"What do you mean it looks like a car?" Riker asked. "How can a car be in outer space?"
"We're under water, sir," Starbuck told him.
Riker spun to glare at Starbuck. This shut Starbuck up and created a rift in the space-time continuum. The car that had previously been outside the sub appeared on the bridge.
It was large and black and took up a lot of space on the bridge. "Excuse me," a deep voice came from the car as it shot water out of its exhaust. "Have you seen Michael?"
"Dorn?" Riker asked, "I thought Worf wasn't in this episode?" "I'm looking for Michael Knight," the car replied. "If any of you have seen him, I would like to know. He stuck me in a warehouse a few years after our series ended and I would like to run him over now."
"I have never heard of this Michael Knight guy," Riker told the car. "What were you doing in the ocean?"
The car spit out more water, "I was exploring the beach. I heard that Michael was at this place called Babewatch, or something like that. While I was looking for him, the beach sunk. I tried to follow the people on the beach, but they went to the lifeguard's station as if nothing was happening. I did notice that all the females were wearing tight bikinis and had blonde hair."
Riker turned to Starbuck, "Plot a course to this 'Babewatch' place."
"Already on it," Starbuck replied, drooling slightly. "Engage."
"What?"
"I said ‘engage.’"
"And I said 'what?’"
"Look, if you're going to be my number one..."
"I ain't number one to any guy."
Riker paused, "Drop it."
C3PO dropped the chart he was reading. Buck Rogers dropped Princess Ardalla. The Doctor dropped his scarf. Ace dropped a container of nitro-nine. There was an explosion on the bridge. Sirens went off everywhere. Data and Nurse Chapel ran onto the bridge (the Mag-Lift™ thanked them for riding on it).
"There is a fire on the bridge," Nurse Chapel explained in her computer tone, "attempting to activate fire extinguishers."
"It's okay," Bridger reported, "no harm done. This sub was built to take small explosions. If one little one could damage the set, then we'd be in trouble."
Meanwhile, Ranma was nearing Darwin's pool. He looked around the room and spotted Darwin and Lucas. Lucas was speaking to Darwin and Darwin was replying. Lucas stood up, said goodbye and walked out of the room, nodding to Ranma as he did.
"What is your name?" Ranma entered the room.
"Darwin."
"You can speak," Ranma went to a stove nearby and heated up some water.
Darwin looked out of the pool, "Where stove come from?"
Ranma ran over and began pouring the water on Darwin. Darwin shouted, "Hot water." As Ranma was trying to douse Darwin, Bridger walked by.
"Have you seen Luca..." Bridger paused, "What are you doing?"
"I am trying to save this person," Ranma told him, "he obviously fell into the pool of the drowned dolphin."
"Well, stop it," Bridger snapped. "Darwin has enough water in his pool. He doesn't need more."
"of course," Ranma began pulling Darwin out of the pool, trying very hard to keep from getting wet. "He's in that cold water. I have to get him out before he'll change back."
Bridger watched the small Japanese man pull Darwin out. He began to have a stroke. Ranma stopped pulling Darwin as he saw Bridger fall over.
"Bridger hurt," Darwin called out.
"No," Bridger sat up. "I was just going nuts. Why are you pulling my dolphin?"
"That sounds like a personal problem to me," Ranma replied. He picked up the kettle of hot water and poured it on Darwin. As Bridger watched, Darwin changed from the blue-grey dolphin to a young naked Japanese boy about five. Bridger suddenly remembered all those times he let Darwin swim under his legs and he turned bright red. A mother association appeared in the room, shaking their heads and threatening to slap Bridger with a child abuse suit. Bridger shot them all out of the torpedo tubes.
"Bridger, I'm cured!" Darwin called out. "I'm cured after all these months. I thought none of you would ever get the hint."
"What hint?" Bridger asked.
"I kept telling you to turn up the heat in my pool," Darwin snapped. "You kept telling me to put on a sweater and that you couldn't afford to turn up the heat."
"We have to conserve energy," Bridger replied. "Do you realize how much it costs to heat this sub? We are on a budget, you know."
Up on the bridge, Richie and Duncan turned to each other. Their eyes showed up. There was a scene of their eyes from the right, their eyes from the left. Richie's left eye appeared. Richie's right eye and Duncan's left eye appeared. Duncan's eyes appeared with shadows around them. Richie's nose appeared and then the scene moved quickly up to show his eyes. Duncan's eyes widened. Richie squinted his eyes. More eyes were shown, but it was too close to be able to see whose they were. A horse's eye appeared and Duncan thought he was in a Eurythmics video.
Richie turned to Duncan, "Mac. Judging by all the views of eyes we just had, and this terrible indigestion I'm experiencing, there must be another immortal around."
"I felt it too, Richie," Duncan said, "and," he pulled out a portable computer, "according to this immortal-finder, the new immortal is now a few floors under us."
Richie pulled out his light saber, "Then let's go." "There can be only two," Duncan pulled out his katana and held it over his head.
Quark walked over to Riker, "Excuse me. I really have nothing to do on the bridge. Could I possibly find a place to open a bar and use the replicator to make some drinks?"
"I don't see anything wrong with it," Riker told him. "Then I'll be down setting up a bar in that area with the dolphin pool," Quark entered the Mag-Lift™.
"Thank you for stepping into the Mag-Lift™," and then there was some evil laughter. Quark thought about jumping out but the voice continued. "I have been running this thing for so long and I get no 'your welcome" or anything. Now, it's MY TURN!" and there was more evil laughter. Quark began to scream, but remembered that in space, no one can hear you scream.
"Wait, we're in the water," Quark screamed loudly and the Mag-Lift™ shot away.
Data walked over to Riker, "I should return to Engineering. Would you watch after Nurse Chapel?"
Riker looked at Nurse Chapel and drooled a little, "Sure." Strange music began to play. Data looked around with an ‘it wasn't me' look. Three small animals ran in and held hands. "Ring around the Riker. Ring around the Riker," they chanted as they went round and round Riker.
"Get them!" Riker yelled.
KITT drove after them, chasing them through the large doors and down the steps. Unfortunately, they went through a door and KITT slammed into it, being too large to fit through.
Lister was lying on the ground, an empty beer can on his head and beer cans circling his body. Cat stepped over Lister. "Cat," Lister belched, "have I been drinking?"
"Yes," Cat continued walking and stopped at the communication station.
Princess Ardalla was sitting at the station, filing her nails and watching her cloud circle her feet. Cat stuck out his tongue and licked his cuff links. Princess Ardalla stopped and stared.
"This is mine," Cat pulled out a small spray bottle and began spraying the bridge, "this is mine. This is mine." He turned to the Princess, "This is definitely mine."
"If you spray me with that, I'll have your toes cut off," Princess Ardalla snapped.
"Declawed?" Cat jumped back, "the ancient torture?" he slowly walked away.
Down in Darwin's pool area, Quark was walking through the door. He arrived slowly after Duncan and Richie. Both Duncan and Richie were holding their swords up in the air. A small Japanese boy, Darwin, was backing away from them.
"Wait," Bridger tried to stop them, "Darwin is unarmed. Well, okay, he does have arms now but he has no weapons. For God's sake, he's nude."
Darwin stepped back and held up his hands. A golden katana was in his hands. Ranma and Bridger looked at each other and then back at Darwin. Quark put down some latinum to bet on Duncan.
Duncan said, "I am Duncan MaCloud, of the clan MaCloud." "And I am Richie Ryans, previously of the Enterprise and currently of this sub-type thingie."
"I am Darwin, who was splashed with water from the pool of the drowned dolphin."
"Where did that sword come from?" Bridger asked.
"Why aren't you fighting anymore?" Quark asked. "How are we supposed to develop a game here, if you refuse to fight?" There was the sound of a loud sneeze and Quark stopped. His eyes widened and he looked around, "Oh boy."
Quark spotted a mirror and walked over to it. It shattered as he looked in and he screamed.
Cyndi Lauper walked into the room with bleached white hair and a tight shirt, "What's your problem, aside from your face?" she rolled her eyes up and began speaking in tongues.
Jeff Goldblum walked into the room, "Sylvia, there you are. Sorry, we were supposed to be in Vibes, but we took a turn at the last set and got lost." The two of them walked away.
Quark called out, "AL! AL! AL, where are you?"
"Who's Al?" Bridger asked.
Quark ignored him, "Oh, that's it? Well, I can do that." He walked over to Duncan and Richie and Darwin. All of them were still holding their swords in the air.
"Can we help you?" Duncan asked.
"I'm supposed to tell you not to slice off Darwin's head," Quark told them, "or, you'll regret it later."
"How will we regret it later?" Richie asked.
"Well, I'm not exactly sure on that part," Quark said, "Ziggy says you'll regret it."
"Who's Ziggy?" Bridger asked.
"Nevermind," Quark snapped, "just don't kill him."
"Are we supposed to trust a Ferengi?" Duncan asked.
"What's a Ferengi?" Quark asked.
Duncan, Richie and Darwin put down their swords Richie turned to Quark, "You're a Ferengi."
"Oh," Quark stepped back.
"Are you feeling all right, Quark?" Duncan asked.
"How did I get over here? Where am I? What's going on? I have this memory of a guy named Al."
"Okay," Duncan removed his trenchcoat, that he had not been wearing a few moments ago and placed it around Darwin.
Lucas walked into the room, "Where's Darwin?"
"Lucas," Darwin stepped forward and hugged him.
Chapter Five
"What do you mean it looks like a car?" Riker asked. "How can a car be in outer space?"
"We're under water, sir," Starbuck told him.
Riker spun to glare at Starbuck. This shut Starbuck up and created a rift in the space-time continuum. The car that had previously been outside the sub appeared on the bridge.
It was large and black and took up a lot of space on the bridge. "Excuse me," a deep voice came from the car as it shot water out of its exhaust. "Have you seen Michael?"
"Dorn?" Riker asked, "I thought Worf wasn't in this episode?" "I'm looking for Michael Knight," the car replied. "If any of you have seen him, I would like to know. He stuck me in a warehouse a few years after our series ended and I would like to run him over now."
"I have never heard of this Michael Knight guy," Riker told the car. "What were you doing in the ocean?"
The car spit out more water, "I was exploring the beach. I heard that Michael was at this place called Babewatch, or something like that. While I was looking for him, the beach sunk. I tried to follow the people on the beach, but they went to the lifeguard's station as if nothing was happening. I did notice that all the females were wearing tight bikinis and had blonde hair."
Riker turned to Starbuck, "Plot a course to this 'Babewatch' place."
"Already on it," Starbuck replied, drooling slightly. "Engage."
"What?"
"I said ‘engage.’"
"And I said 'what?’"
"Look, if you're going to be my number one..."
"I ain't number one to any guy."
Riker paused, "Drop it."
C3PO dropped the chart he was reading. Buck Rogers dropped Princess Ardalla. The Doctor dropped his scarf. Ace dropped a container of nitro-nine. There was an explosion on the bridge. Sirens went off everywhere. Data and Nurse Chapel ran onto the bridge (the Mag-Lift™ thanked them for riding on it).
"There is a fire on the bridge," Nurse Chapel explained in her computer tone, "attempting to activate fire extinguishers."
"It's okay," Bridger reported, "no harm done. This sub was built to take small explosions. If one little one could damage the set, then we'd be in trouble."
Meanwhile, Ranma was nearing Darwin's pool. He looked around the room and spotted Darwin and Lucas. Lucas was speaking to Darwin and Darwin was replying. Lucas stood up, said goodbye and walked out of the room, nodding to Ranma as he did.
"What is your name?" Ranma entered the room.
"Darwin."
"You can speak," Ranma went to a stove nearby and heated up some water.
Darwin looked out of the pool, "Where stove come from?"
Ranma ran over and began pouring the water on Darwin. Darwin shouted, "Hot water." As Ranma was trying to douse Darwin, Bridger walked by.
"Have you seen Luca..." Bridger paused, "What are you doing?"
"I am trying to save this person," Ranma told him, "he obviously fell into the pool of the drowned dolphin."
"Well, stop it," Bridger snapped. "Darwin has enough water in his pool. He doesn't need more."
"of course," Ranma began pulling Darwin out of the pool, trying very hard to keep from getting wet. "He's in that cold water. I have to get him out before he'll change back."
Bridger watched the small Japanese man pull Darwin out. He began to have a stroke. Ranma stopped pulling Darwin as he saw Bridger fall over.
"Bridger hurt," Darwin called out.
"No," Bridger sat up. "I was just going nuts. Why are you pulling my dolphin?"
"That sounds like a personal problem to me," Ranma replied. He picked up the kettle of hot water and poured it on Darwin. As Bridger watched, Darwin changed from the blue-grey dolphin to a young naked Japanese boy about five. Bridger suddenly remembered all those times he let Darwin swim under his legs and he turned bright red. A mother association appeared in the room, shaking their heads and threatening to slap Bridger with a child abuse suit. Bridger shot them all out of the torpedo tubes.
"Bridger, I'm cured!" Darwin called out. "I'm cured after all these months. I thought none of you would ever get the hint."
"What hint?" Bridger asked.
"I kept telling you to turn up the heat in my pool," Darwin snapped. "You kept telling me to put on a sweater and that you couldn't afford to turn up the heat."
"We have to conserve energy," Bridger replied. "Do you realize how much it costs to heat this sub? We are on a budget, you know."
Up on the bridge, Richie and Duncan turned to each other. Their eyes showed up. There was a scene of their eyes from the right, their eyes from the left. Richie's left eye appeared. Richie's right eye and Duncan's left eye appeared. Duncan's eyes appeared with shadows around them. Richie's nose appeared and then the scene moved quickly up to show his eyes. Duncan's eyes widened. Richie squinted his eyes. More eyes were shown, but it was too close to be able to see whose they were. A horse's eye appeared and Duncan thought he was in a Eurythmics video.
Richie turned to Duncan, "Mac. Judging by all the views of eyes we just had, and this terrible indigestion I'm experiencing, there must be another immortal around."
"I felt it too, Richie," Duncan said, "and," he pulled out a portable computer, "according to this immortal-finder, the new immortal is now a few floors under us."
Richie pulled out his light saber, "Then let's go." "There can be only two," Duncan pulled out his katana and held it over his head.
Quark walked over to Riker, "Excuse me. I really have nothing to do on the bridge. Could I possibly find a place to open a bar and use the replicator to make some drinks?"
"I don't see anything wrong with it," Riker told him. "Then I'll be down setting up a bar in that area with the dolphin pool," Quark entered the Mag-Lift™.
"Thank you for stepping into the Mag-Lift™," and then there was some evil laughter. Quark thought about jumping out but the voice continued. "I have been running this thing for so long and I get no 'your welcome" or anything. Now, it's MY TURN!" and there was more evil laughter. Quark began to scream, but remembered that in space, no one can hear you scream.
"Wait, we're in the water," Quark screamed loudly and the Mag-Lift™ shot away.
Data walked over to Riker, "I should return to Engineering. Would you watch after Nurse Chapel?"
Riker looked at Nurse Chapel and drooled a little, "Sure." Strange music began to play. Data looked around with an ‘it wasn't me' look. Three small animals ran in and held hands. "Ring around the Riker. Ring around the Riker," they chanted as they went round and round Riker.
"Get them!" Riker yelled.
KITT drove after them, chasing them through the large doors and down the steps. Unfortunately, they went through a door and KITT slammed into it, being too large to fit through.
Lister was lying on the ground, an empty beer can on his head and beer cans circling his body. Cat stepped over Lister. "Cat," Lister belched, "have I been drinking?"
"Yes," Cat continued walking and stopped at the communication station.
Princess Ardalla was sitting at the station, filing her nails and watching her cloud circle her feet. Cat stuck out his tongue and licked his cuff links. Princess Ardalla stopped and stared.
"This is mine," Cat pulled out a small spray bottle and began spraying the bridge, "this is mine. This is mine." He turned to the Princess, "This is definitely mine."
"If you spray me with that, I'll have your toes cut off," Princess Ardalla snapped.
"Declawed?" Cat jumped back, "the ancient torture?" he slowly walked away.
Down in Darwin's pool area, Quark was walking through the door. He arrived slowly after Duncan and Richie. Both Duncan and Richie were holding their swords up in the air. A small Japanese boy, Darwin, was backing away from them.
"Wait," Bridger tried to stop them, "Darwin is unarmed. Well, okay, he does have arms now but he has no weapons. For God's sake, he's nude."
Darwin stepped back and held up his hands. A golden katana was in his hands. Ranma and Bridger looked at each other and then back at Darwin. Quark put down some latinum to bet on Duncan.
Duncan said, "I am Duncan MaCloud, of the clan MaCloud." "And I am Richie Ryans, previously of the Enterprise and currently of this sub-type thingie."
"I am Darwin, who was splashed with water from the pool of the drowned dolphin."
"Where did that sword come from?" Bridger asked.
"Why aren't you fighting anymore?" Quark asked. "How are we supposed to develop a game here, if you refuse to fight?" There was the sound of a loud sneeze and Quark stopped. His eyes widened and he looked around, "Oh boy."
Quark spotted a mirror and walked over to it. It shattered as he looked in and he screamed.
Cyndi Lauper walked into the room with bleached white hair and a tight shirt, "What's your problem, aside from your face?" she rolled her eyes up and began speaking in tongues.
Jeff Goldblum walked into the room, "Sylvia, there you are. Sorry, we were supposed to be in Vibes, but we took a turn at the last set and got lost." The two of them walked away.
Quark called out, "AL! AL! AL, where are you?"
"Who's Al?" Bridger asked.
Quark ignored him, "Oh, that's it? Well, I can do that." He walked over to Duncan and Richie and Darwin. All of them were still holding their swords in the air.
"Can we help you?" Duncan asked.
"I'm supposed to tell you not to slice off Darwin's head," Quark told them, "or, you'll regret it later."
"How will we regret it later?" Richie asked.
"Well, I'm not exactly sure on that part," Quark said, "Ziggy says you'll regret it."
"Who's Ziggy?" Bridger asked.
"Nevermind," Quark snapped, "just don't kill him."
"Are we supposed to trust a Ferengi?" Duncan asked.
"What's a Ferengi?" Quark asked.
Duncan, Richie and Darwin put down their swords Richie turned to Quark, "You're a Ferengi."
"Oh," Quark stepped back.
"Are you feeling all right, Quark?" Duncan asked.
"How did I get over here? Where am I? What's going on? I have this memory of a guy named Al."
"Okay," Duncan removed his trenchcoat, that he had not been wearing a few moments ago and placed it around Darwin.
Lucas walked into the room, "Where's Darwin?"
"Lucas," Darwin stepped forward and hugged him.
Chapter Five