Do you believe in magic?
OK, so the magician at Sunday's show deserves his own post, because it was the most magnificent train wreck I've witnessed in person in along, long time.
David Martin credits himself as a "master illusionist" who trained with Criss Angel (MINDFREAK!!!) and served as a "magic consultant" for Bon Jovi and KISS, yet in a New Haven comedy club .. well, this was better:
Thank you, G.O.B. Bluth. Go away now.
And for a real laugh, check out his photo page of "friends." But before we even can get to David, let's back up to the beginning of the night, when we met his assistant, Samantha. Of course, we didn't know her name yet, so instead she was Creepy Skank.
At first, I didn't notice much about hey other than a Coyote Ugly-style cowboy hat, a mass of blonde hair and giant, rock-firm boobs under a gold lame top. Then we all looked further, and saw the black pants with straps running up each hip, crisscrossing underneath her little pooch belly. Not that I'm making fun of little bellies, mind you, and I'm sure it was actually fine, but these pants were so terribly unflattering, plus otherwise she was stick-thin. Then I saw that face, all puffy, bloated and collagened to Fergie proportions.
Neil had the unfortunate adventure of talking to her. He came back and told us she's totally out of her mind. We saw that later when she fell off a chair by the stage, after kind of helping Martin set up for his show.
Now Dave showed up in a bandanna. Yes, a bandanna, like the sort you wear to hide that you're balding. If you're wearing a bandanna to work, and you're neither a motorcycle mechanic nor Steven Van Zant, it's probably not a good idea. But even better, this Criss Angel (MINDFREAK!!) disciple, if anything, learned about pants from the man, as he was decked out in blue jeans with leather laces down the entire length of both legs. Yeah. With that, the leather jacket and 20 bracelets, I didn't know if I was seeing a magic show or a Poison/Skid Row cover band.
But hey, looks aren't everything, right? It's only showbiz. The emcee didn't help him, either, by saying he'd appeared on "America's Got Talent" and performed in Vegas ... at Planet Hollywood and Hard Rock Cafe. But hey, we're ready for a show. After all, the generic hard rock is blaring at us.
But not yet! David's introducing us to Samantha the "Rock of Love" reject, who he says posed in Playboy 10 years ago. Mind you, he's saying all of this in a big showbiz voice that would work in a large place rather than a room of 30 people. And then he says Samantha's going to do a dance for us.
Ohhhhh yeah. Sexy dance! Samantha pulls this adorable girl - Marilyn Monroe hair, vintage dress with beaded beckline and fur petticoat - out of the crowd. This poor girl, who was just chillin' with Ruby Solitaire and her friends. Now she's fighting off the drugged-out seduction of Samantha, who keeps trying to dance on her, touch her too much. At one point she even grabs the girl by the neck and tries to kiss/bite it.
Look at the embarrassment!
And then she still couldn't get away when Samantha was done, because they sat her down and made her assist them in a magic trick of pouring water into glasses that's supposed to make the glasses change in size or something, but we could see the panels in the glasses where the liquid went. Finally they release the girl.
Then David does a tired bit with a disappearing dove, but there's a twist. He ends the trick-um-illusion by producing a diamond ring out of the air. Makes a big show of it being a diamond ring. And then he starts saying to Samantha, "Baby, you know I love you and I want to spend the rest of my life with you ..."
No way. No FUCKING way.
Dude gets on one knee, though he never actually says "Will you marry me?" Samantha's laughing, but eventually says yes and takes the ring. Now, I will not speak ill of this man's engagement, because that's a happy thing. And I'm happy for him that he expresses his love by pulling a diamond ring out of a bird and proposing to your hopped-up-on-goofballs girlfriend at a comedy club in New Haven.
It only got worse from there, as he kept busting out tired tricks and Samantha barely cooperated.
Samantha fell down during one trick, and David was all, "Excuse me, can I get a mop right here, the floor is still slick from the previous show." Shit was bone dry. She also kept making kissy faces to the crowd.
He did another tired trick with the magic connecting rings, bringing this lecherous-looking old man out of the audience. He barely wanted to be in the trick, and instead spent half the time dancing with Samantha.
Then he roped Neil and Martha into a trick, where he was gonna "read their minds" with a mindtrip (guess his mentor Criss Angel wouldn't let him say MINDFREAK!!) by having them pull pearls - four white, one black - out of a bag. Really, he was just guessing. Two pearls were left, one black and one white, and he guessed wrong. "And in your hand - I'm totally gonna read your mind here - you have the black pearl-WHITE PEARL! WHITE PEARL! Still, very close! Three out of five!" Nice cover, dude.
Then, before we were about to leave, he had his grand finale. He had a dude from the audience and Samantha tear up a newspaper into a million pieces, and eventually picked one piece to put into a bag. He then guessed that the piece of paper in the bag would say SPORTS on it. Guess what? It did. Wow! MINDTRIP! May all your days be magical!
But then he couldn't end the show because Samantha stole the microphone and kept saying over and over that "The bird pooped out a ring ... The bird pooped out a ring ... The ring? ... It was in a bird's poop!"
Good night, everybody!
David Martin credits himself as a "master illusionist" who trained with Criss Angel (MINDFREAK!!!) and served as a "magic consultant" for Bon Jovi and KISS, yet in a New Haven comedy club .. well, this was better:
Click to viewThank you, G.O.B. Bluth. Go away now.
And for a real laugh, check out his photo page of "friends." But before we even can get to David, let's back up to the beginning of the night, when we met his assistant, Samantha. Of course, we didn't know her name yet, so instead she was Creepy Skank.
At first, I didn't notice much about hey other than a Coyote Ugly-style cowboy hat, a mass of blonde hair and giant, rock-firm boobs under a gold lame top. Then we all looked further, and saw the black pants with straps running up each hip, crisscrossing underneath her little pooch belly. Not that I'm making fun of little bellies, mind you, and I'm sure it was actually fine, but these pants were so terribly unflattering, plus otherwise she was stick-thin. Then I saw that face, all puffy, bloated and collagened to Fergie proportions.
Neil had the unfortunate adventure of talking to her. He came back and told us she's totally out of her mind. We saw that later when she fell off a chair by the stage, after kind of helping Martin set up for his show.
Now Dave showed up in a bandanna. Yes, a bandanna, like the sort you wear to hide that you're balding. If you're wearing a bandanna to work, and you're neither a motorcycle mechanic nor Steven Van Zant, it's probably not a good idea. But even better, this Criss Angel (MINDFREAK!!) disciple, if anything, learned about pants from the man, as he was decked out in blue jeans with leather laces down the entire length of both legs. Yeah. With that, the leather jacket and 20 bracelets, I didn't know if I was seeing a magic show or a Poison/Skid Row cover band.
But hey, looks aren't everything, right? It's only showbiz. The emcee didn't help him, either, by saying he'd appeared on "America's Got Talent" and performed in Vegas ... at Planet Hollywood and Hard Rock Cafe. But hey, we're ready for a show. After all, the generic hard rock is blaring at us.
But not yet! David's introducing us to Samantha the "Rock of Love" reject, who he says posed in Playboy 10 years ago. Mind you, he's saying all of this in a big showbiz voice that would work in a large place rather than a room of 30 people. And then he says Samantha's going to do a dance for us.
Ohhhhh yeah. Sexy dance! Samantha pulls this adorable girl - Marilyn Monroe hair, vintage dress with beaded beckline and fur petticoat - out of the crowd. This poor girl, who was just chillin' with Ruby Solitaire and her friends. Now she's fighting off the drugged-out seduction of Samantha, who keeps trying to dance on her, touch her too much. At one point she even grabs the girl by the neck and tries to kiss/bite it.
Look at the embarrassment!
And then she still couldn't get away when Samantha was done, because they sat her down and made her assist them in a magic trick of pouring water into glasses that's supposed to make the glasses change in size or something, but we could see the panels in the glasses where the liquid went. Finally they release the girl.
Then David does a tired bit with a disappearing dove, but there's a twist. He ends the trick-um-illusion by producing a diamond ring out of the air. Makes a big show of it being a diamond ring. And then he starts saying to Samantha, "Baby, you know I love you and I want to spend the rest of my life with you ..."
No way. No FUCKING way.
Dude gets on one knee, though he never actually says "Will you marry me?" Samantha's laughing, but eventually says yes and takes the ring. Now, I will not speak ill of this man's engagement, because that's a happy thing. And I'm happy for him that he expresses his love by pulling a diamond ring out of a bird and proposing to your hopped-up-on-goofballs girlfriend at a comedy club in New Haven.
It only got worse from there, as he kept busting out tired tricks and Samantha barely cooperated.
Samantha fell down during one trick, and David was all, "Excuse me, can I get a mop right here, the floor is still slick from the previous show." Shit was bone dry. She also kept making kissy faces to the crowd.
He did another tired trick with the magic connecting rings, bringing this lecherous-looking old man out of the audience. He barely wanted to be in the trick, and instead spent half the time dancing with Samantha.
Then he roped Neil and Martha into a trick, where he was gonna "read their minds" with a mindtrip (guess his mentor Criss Angel wouldn't let him say MINDFREAK!!) by having them pull pearls - four white, one black - out of a bag. Really, he was just guessing. Two pearls were left, one black and one white, and he guessed wrong. "And in your hand - I'm totally gonna read your mind here - you have the black pearl-WHITE PEARL! WHITE PEARL! Still, very close! Three out of five!" Nice cover, dude.
Then, before we were about to leave, he had his grand finale. He had a dude from the audience and Samantha tear up a newspaper into a million pieces, and eventually picked one piece to put into a bag. He then guessed that the piece of paper in the bag would say SPORTS on it. Guess what? It did. Wow! MINDTRIP! May all your days be magical!
But then he couldn't end the show because Samantha stole the microphone and kept saying over and over that "The bird pooped out a ring ... The bird pooped out a ring ... The ring? ... It was in a bird's poop!"
Good night, everybody!