on HR3, rape culture, and mansplaining

[maynardsong]

So today I was discussing HR3 with one of my friends, who had posted a link on how they took away the rape redefinition. And it was going well. Until a guy came in to say, "Date rape is a tricky concept and I am opposed to force but I don't like to say 'I regret it so it was rape'". I replied that the "I regret consensual sex so I'ma deem it rape"

Comments

[maynardsong]

That number is not high enough to justify derailing a conversation away from the fact that women are routinely being blamed and doubted when they say that they were forced into sex. When a guy doesn't know what a girl wants, he can ASK.
How many women have been on the receiving end of being pressured into doing something they don't want to do and so they convinced themselves that what happened was OK even though it was so clearly anything but consensual? When that question is addressed, then I'll start giving a shit about wrongful accusations.

[maynardsong]

And I know way too many girls who didn't want to have sex, or were passed out when a guy started fucking them, or who kept saying no, but gave in. They never tell anyone with any authority about it because they don't want to deal with the inevitable fallout, the inevitable defensiveness of the guy, and all his buddies' swearing up and down that he's a good guy so clearly SHE's a lying slutbag. Those guys get away with what they did, because the girls didn't fight back hard enough, or the girls had had consensual sex with the perpetrator in the past, or the girls were ready to have consensual sex but then the guys said they didn't want to wear a condom which meant the girls no longer consented. Meanwhile, the girls themselves get blamed even when they are believed, again, for not fighting hard enough or for putting themselves in that situation or whatever. Do we ever admonish guys not to get themselves wrongfully accused of rape the way we admonish girls not to get themselves raped?

[maynardsong]

How hard is it to ASK if someone wants to hook up with you? How hard is it to ask, "Do you want to fuck?" and getting a "Yes!" (Or "yes, hold on, I want to get a condom", in which case, not being willing to use said condom is ABSOLUTELY grounds for saying, "Never mind, I don't want to fuck after all") before proceeding to fuck? We're not talking about approaching someone for conversation here. And drunk people are perfectly capable of getting consent. When both parties are EQUALLY drunk, the onus is on whoever initiates the activity to get consent.

[maynardsong]

If you're ready to put the moves on someone, drunk or sober, you should be ready to ask if the other person wants to. And if you're not ready to do that, you have no business putting the moves on them. You'll also notice that I've kept this gender-neutral, so I really don't understand why you're talking about double standards. And I am in fact advocating that people should explicitly give it. If they don't, it's the initiating party's cue NOT TO PROCEED.