Butterfly Against a Hurricane
Butterfly Against a Hurricane
Fandom: Supernatural
Title: Butterfly Against a Hurricane
Characters: Castiel, Jimmy, Bobby, Dean, Sam, John
Category: Gen, AU, Pre-Series, Drama, Angst, Hurt/Comfort
Length: 1 hour 19 minutes (104 MB)
Word Count: ~3000
Rating: PG13
Warning: ( skip) References to child abuse.
Spoilers: Through S4.
Summary: Castiel still worried, sometimes, often, all the time, that he wasn't going to be enough, that he wouldn't be able to change what was coming.
Disclaimer: This is my Father's world, but it's Kripke's playground.
Author's Note: Part of the Rain Falling Down AU. Soundtrack cover by aesc, fanart by oatmeal_queen. Twenty-two songs and ficlets in Castiel's POV.
Download from mediafire
Jimmy & Castiel
Butterflies and Hurricanes - Muse
Change everything you are and everything you were. Your number has been called. Fight, battles have begun, revenge will surely come. Now, hard times are ahead.
A decade or so later Castiel and Jimmy would watch a movie about dinosaurs with the Winchester boys, who would be delighted with the action and the gore while Castiel and Jimmy could think of nothing but chaos theory and butterflies and hurricanes and the fate of the world turning on the thinnest and smallest of fulcrums. They would go out for hamburgers and milkshakes afterward and Dean and Sam would laugh and recite favorite lines and ask Jimmy if he enjoyed it, and Castiel would barely answer, thinking about the wager he had made, the single flap of fragile, broken wings against the powerful winds of fate. He would sit there and hope desperately and silently while Jimmy distracted the Winchesters with bright smiles and false laughter.
Breaking Stops - Rudisill
I can't wait till this breaking stops, and I'm saved in the name of God. For the sake of my Jesus Christ, I will live and die.
Before this, Castiel had not known the fragility of the human body and spirit, how easily they could be damaged, broken. Oh, he had seen it in Dean, in other humans, but that wasn't the same as knowing. But here he was now, trapped in this wounded little boy, and now, now he understood it all too well. But he had never before truly understood hope, either. Angels didn't need hope-they just knew. The gift of hope was almost worth the darkness of despair, it was such a bright and glowing thing, small but intensely beautiful.
Fly - Jars of Clay
I saw the host of silent angels waiting on their own. Know that all the promises of faith come alive when you see home. Hold still and let your hand melt into mine.
Jimmy's faith in Castiel was a beautiful thing, too. The child had been terribly mistreated, battered by demons, by humans, until it seemed that there should be nothing left. Yet he slipped his hand into Castiel's without the slightest hesitation, trusting him to save them, to restore all that had been stolen from him even though the loss had been Castiel's fault in the first place. And the angel could do nothing but accept this enormous gift of faith and vow to be worthy of it to the best of his ability.
Rock Garden - Bedlam Bards
They walked out of that blood-soaked house and into the rain. Water from the sky fell all around them, washing the blood from Jimmy's hair and clothes and fingernails. The boy stumbled and fell and Castiel picked them up. Eventually he had to stop, concentrate, transport them, because it was just too far for the battered little one to travel on his feet. The rain washed away the thick copper stream flowing from the small nose, already sore and swollen from earlier exertions and earlier blows. They kept going, all the way to Bobby Singer's porch. And there they could go no farther.
Jimmy & Bobby
Blackbird - Evan Rachel Woods
Blackbird singing in the dead of night, take these broken wings and learn to fly. All your life, you were only waiting for this moment to arrive.
When he took the time to look closer, Castiel was surprised to recognize a mirrored brokenness in Bobby Singer. The man had lost a great deal, and it had changed him. But there was goodness in him too. He was incapable of ignoring the hurt in Jimmy, incapable of turning away. Castiel could only watch in amazement as the wounded humans came together and began to heal, each a balm for the other. He had never imagined such a thing, but here it was, happening before his eyes.
Mahna Mahna - CAKE
Jimmy's spirit was full of astonishing brightness. Once a few layers of injury had been peeled away, he began to shine again. Beautiful and sweet and overflowing with joy, he sang and laughed and glowed. Every sound, every movement, was a shout of praise. Castiel understood more fully than ever just why the Father loved these frail creatures of dust so very much.
Symphonic Dance - Phil Keaggy
When rain came again to Bobby Singer's house, Jimmy built himself a small shelter of pillows and blankets and hid away from the flaring light and roaring darkness, protecting himself as best he could from the memories. But Bobby brought him cocoa and coaxed him out, and Jimmy could do nothing but blossom richly in the light of such care and affection. The next time it rained, it was a gentle fall, and the child danced in it, jumping through the puddles and laughing when the dog Bartholomew shook his shaggy body and sprayed the boy with muddy water. Storms never again had such painful power over his spirit.
Lullabye (Goodnight, My Angel) - Billy Joel
Goodnight, my angel, now it's time to sleep, and still so many things I want to say. Remember all the songs you sang to me when we went sailing on an emerald bay.
One day in July, Bobby took Jimmy fishing on a nearby lake. He warned the boy not to make much noise or he might scare the fish. Jimmy tried to listen, but he was just too full of joy. He sang without realizing he was doing it, usually quite loudly. At first Bobby shushed him every time, and the boy silenced himself with a sheepish apology and a blush. Eventually, though, the man just gave up, smiling at Jimmy with a strange light of exasperated love in his eyes. They caught very few fish, but it was a wonderful day, nonetheless. Jimmy fell asleep quickly that night, exhausted with happiness, Bobby's hand stroking the hair back from his forehead. Castiel lay awake for some time, remembering how good it had been.
You Belong to Me - Jason Wade
See the marketplace in old Angiers, send me photographs and souvenirs. Just remember when a dream appears, you belong to me.
Castiel knew that they would have to leave Bobby Singer eventually. This interlude of peace and healing was entirely necessary, but it couldn't last. Soon, perhaps when they finally found John Winchester, they would have to go. Castiel had come back here for a purpose and it could not be ignored, but he had no idea how he could explain this to Uncle Bobby. In a very real way, Jimmy belonged to Bobby now. It would wound them terribly to be apart, and Castiel dreaded the coming inevitability. Jimmy tried to assure him that it would be all right, that Uncle Bobby would understand and bless their journey, once they worked up the courage to tell him about it. But they both put it off for as long as possible.
Scotch Chocolate - Nickel Creek
The warm months of summer seemed to stretch into infinity. They played in the woods with Bartholomew, helped Bobby with his automobile parts, ate cheese sandwiches and drank lemonade. At night they lounged beside the fire and read Narnia books while Bobby studied demonology texts or leafed through the newspaper. The nights were deep and restful, as long as the nightmares stayed away, which they didn't always. Neither Jimmy nor Castiel had much control over what their minds chose to do at night. Sometimes they woke with a startled gasp and fell quickly back to sleep, and sometimes Bobby was there to comfort them. But sunlight always chased dreams and memories away, forgotten, and the long summer days were full of music and laughter and goodness.
Jimmy & Dean
Over the Rainbow - Me First and the Gimmes Gimmes
Somewhere over the rainbow, bluebirds fly. Birds fly over the rainbow, why then, oh, why can't I?
It shouldn't really have been possible for Jimmy and Dean to be friends, Castiel reflected the night after they met for the first time in this reality. It was a collision of two entirely different forms of matter, or perhaps a collision of mass and energy, the particle-wave of light and one of the heavy elements. Impossible according to all the laws of earthly physics, in other words. Years later Castiel would have a better analogy-it was like a fusion of hard rock and showtunes, crazy and headache-inducing. Yet somehow they made it work, those two children. It was amazing and somehow perfect.
You're My Best Friend - Queen
Ooh, you make me live. Whenever this world is cruel to me, I've got you to help me forgive.
Before this time, Castiel had never had any concept of having a “best friend.” He'd had brothers, sisters, teachers, superiors, and above all a Father, but never exactly what humans might term a friend. Jimmy, sifting through Castiel's memories of the other Dean, had been dismayed to realize that the same was true of the elder Winchester. Dean had had acquaintances, “lovers,” a brother, a father, a lost mother, and an avuncular figure in Bobby Singer. But never a true friend, let alone a best one. “It's going to be different this time around,” Jimmy told him firmly, and Castiel could only agree. They both devoted themselves fully to being the best best friend that had ever existed.
Leatherwing Bat - Cormorant's Fancy
I, said the little turtledove, I'll tell you how to win her love. Court her night and court her day. Never give her time to say Oh nay.
The first time around, Dean and Sam grew up with classic rock, country music, AC/DC and Motorhead and The Allman Brothers. This time, though, there was Jimmy, and he had entirely different ideas of what good music was. He sang them hymns and Sunday School songs and folk tunes, and the little Winchesters could only listen and love them, because Jimmy's voice was sweet and pure and his delight in this music shone through in every note, every syllable. Castiel hummed along inside his head, sometimes sang them himself, hesitantly at first but with growing confidence as the years passed. It was nothing like the music the angels sang in heaven and Castiel missed that music with a sharp ache that never faded. But slowly, gradually, he began to forget what it sounded like, and the songs in his head were replaced with “Amazing Grace” and “The Wise Man and the Foolish Man” and “Leatherwing Bat”.
Son of Man - Phil Collins
There's no one there to guide you, no one to take your hand, but with faith and understanding you'll journey from boy to man.
As Jimmy grew and learned, Castiel experienced everything with him. Every emotion, every growing pain, every hurt and joy, small and large and in-between. He knew now that the emotions he had felt as an angel were minuscule, limited, rare, and yet they had affected him deeply. He could not help but be powerfully shaken by these. Uriel would have said that this was corrupting him, but Castiel felt larger for it, stronger in all the ways that mattered, even though his grace was still wounded, his wings clipped. With every new discovery, humanity grew more precious to him, more worth saving, and he did not regret a moment of it.
Skating - Vince Guaraldi Trio
The winter Dean was six and Jimmy was eleven, the Winchester boys spent almost a month at Uncle Bobby's while their father trained with a hunter out east who was willing to show him a few tricks of the trade. The boys built snow forts and stuffed snow down each other's shirts and walked through the blank white world, looking behind themselves to see where they'd been. They went inside and had soup and hot cocoa, noses and cheeks bright red with cold and stinging as they warmed. Most peculiar of all, they made snow angels, and Castiel looked down from Jimmy's height and tilted his head to stare at them, remembering his brethren, missing them dreadfully. Jimmy reminded him, though, that Uncle Bobby was going to take them skating on a pond that afternoon, and he soon forgot his loneliness.
Fallen from the Sky - Glen Hansard
You must have fallen from the sky, you must have come here in the pouring rain. You took so many through the light, and now you're on your own. If you need somewhere to fall apart, somewhere to fall apart...
Castiel knew that Bobby was going to figure it out eventually. He already knew that Castiel existed, just didn't know his name, what he was. Bobby was extremely intelligent, for a human, and Castiel was very bad at imitating humanity, though he slowly learned, getting better at acting like Jimmy every day. And every day he got away with it, Uncle Bobby looked a little more relieved. He thought Jimmy was getting better, healing, but there was no healing from this. Eventually he would find out, or they would tell him, because he had to know. They needed his help. For now, though, it was nice to just be a little boy, sheltered and loved.
The Road Ahead
Faith Enough - Jars of Clay
This body frail enough for fighting, I'm home enough to know I'm lost. Home enough to know I'm lost. It's just enough to be strong in the broken places, in the broken places. It's just enough to be strong should the world rely on faith tonight.
Castiel still worried, sometimes, often, all the time, that he wasn't going to be enough. He was alone here, terribly alone. He couldn't communicate with his brothers, even if they would have listened, and the isolation was terrifying at times. He'd never known a time when he couldn't reach inside himself and hear a thousand million billion trillion voices, feel a part of that multitude, strength in their shared purpose and faith. This loneliness was the worst thing he'd ever experienced in all his long existence. But he had Jimmy, he always had Jimmy, one small sure voice in the wilderness. Jimmy's faith could tilt the universe on edge, of that Castiel was certain. It would be faith enough to change the future.
Twenty-Four - Switchfoot
I want to see miracles, see the world change. I wrestled the angel for more than a name. For more than a feeling, more than a cause. I'm singing, “Spirit, take me up in arms with You.”
Failure was not something that angels were familiar with. They had been created for specific purposes-sometimes very specific purposes-and given the tools to fulfill them. That was all. Before he met Dean, Castiel had never failed a mission, never disobeyed an order, never botched a job. But it seemed that humanity always added innumerable variables to tasks that should have been unquestionably simple. And Castiel was bound, now, by a body, by time, by injuries that he could not heal alone. Everything was different now, and too much was the same. And Castiel knew fear.
All Is Well - Carolyn Arends
Storms will come, hide the sun and leave us numb with cold. Limbs will fall, still all is well with my soul.
One of Castiel's favorites of Jimmy's hymns spoke of how tragedy battered and trials came but still all was well with the hymn writer's soul. Castiel knew the man's story, knew that he had lost his wife and children in terrible circumstances. And still he had written that song, despite everything. If a single human could bear all that and still believe in God's peace, if Jimmy could suffer all that he had and still trust Castiel to repair the damage, then surely he, an angel of the Lord, could hold the same peace and faith in his heart no matter what the future held.
Mansions - Burlap to Cashmere
Now pride and hate they live inside me. I need your loving love to guide me. Help me walk across these borders. I'm a pilgrim in deep waters.
It was supremely distressing, being unable to hear audible answers to his prayers. Castiel was used to being able to seek guidance wherever and whenever he wished. Though he doubted now whether the answers he received had truly come from the Father, it had still been an immense comfort to be able to ask a question and receive an answer almost immediately. All was murky and confused, now, cloudy, gray. Castiel followed no orders but his own. He did not find this liberating, as Dean might have. He was unmoored, loose and adrift in a trackless sea. Still he prayed daily, though he heard nothing. Jimmy did, too, but he was used to the silence, so it didn't perturb him. It was yet another way that the human child gave comfort to the imprisoned angel.
This Road - Jars of Clay
This road that we travel, may it be the straight and narrow. God, give us peace and grace from You all the day. Shelter with fire, our voices we raise still higher. God, give us peace and grace from You all the day through.
Castiel did not know what the future held. He only knew that the journey would be long and hard, like nothing he had ever done. He was a wanderer now, just as Sam and Dean had always been. As with so many things, he understood much better now what that was like, how uncertain and lonely this path was. He had much more sympathy for Sam now, for the choices he had made. They had always seemed like the right ones, even as they led him farther and farther away from the path. Castiel could only pray that he was not making the same sorts of mistakes.
On Distant Shores - Five Iron Frenzy
With my eyes fastened tight yet unscarred from the fight, running at full-tilt, my sword pulled from its hilt, it's funny how these days can slip away. Our frail deeds at last will wave goodbye.
Battles were coming. Castiel kept his sword sharpened, hoping that someday it would be unsheathed again. That he would someday again be a warrior, fighting against the demons instead of hiding from them. That he would be able to unfurl his wings and fly. He missed flight most of all. But his sword was sharp. He was ready.
Next story in 'verse: And Make Their Quiet Pleas for Sanity
Fandom: Supernatural
Title: Butterfly Against a Hurricane
Characters: Castiel, Jimmy, Bobby, Dean, Sam, John
Category: Gen, AU, Pre-Series, Drama, Angst, Hurt/Comfort
Length: 1 hour 19 minutes (104 MB)
Word Count: ~3000
Rating: PG13
Warning: ( skip) References to child abuse.
Spoilers: Through S4.
Summary: Castiel still worried, sometimes, often, all the time, that he wasn't going to be enough, that he wouldn't be able to change what was coming.
Disclaimer: This is my Father's world, but it's Kripke's playground.
Author's Note: Part of the Rain Falling Down AU. Soundtrack cover by aesc, fanart by oatmeal_queen. Twenty-two songs and ficlets in Castiel's POV.
Download from mediafire
Jimmy & Castiel
Butterflies and Hurricanes - Muse
Change everything you are and everything you were. Your number has been called. Fight, battles have begun, revenge will surely come. Now, hard times are ahead.
A decade or so later Castiel and Jimmy would watch a movie about dinosaurs with the Winchester boys, who would be delighted with the action and the gore while Castiel and Jimmy could think of nothing but chaos theory and butterflies and hurricanes and the fate of the world turning on the thinnest and smallest of fulcrums. They would go out for hamburgers and milkshakes afterward and Dean and Sam would laugh and recite favorite lines and ask Jimmy if he enjoyed it, and Castiel would barely answer, thinking about the wager he had made, the single flap of fragile, broken wings against the powerful winds of fate. He would sit there and hope desperately and silently while Jimmy distracted the Winchesters with bright smiles and false laughter.
Breaking Stops - Rudisill
I can't wait till this breaking stops, and I'm saved in the name of God. For the sake of my Jesus Christ, I will live and die.
Before this, Castiel had not known the fragility of the human body and spirit, how easily they could be damaged, broken. Oh, he had seen it in Dean, in other humans, but that wasn't the same as knowing. But here he was now, trapped in this wounded little boy, and now, now he understood it all too well. But he had never before truly understood hope, either. Angels didn't need hope-they just knew. The gift of hope was almost worth the darkness of despair, it was such a bright and glowing thing, small but intensely beautiful.
Fly - Jars of Clay
I saw the host of silent angels waiting on their own. Know that all the promises of faith come alive when you see home. Hold still and let your hand melt into mine.
Jimmy's faith in Castiel was a beautiful thing, too. The child had been terribly mistreated, battered by demons, by humans, until it seemed that there should be nothing left. Yet he slipped his hand into Castiel's without the slightest hesitation, trusting him to save them, to restore all that had been stolen from him even though the loss had been Castiel's fault in the first place. And the angel could do nothing but accept this enormous gift of faith and vow to be worthy of it to the best of his ability.
Rock Garden - Bedlam Bards
They walked out of that blood-soaked house and into the rain. Water from the sky fell all around them, washing the blood from Jimmy's hair and clothes and fingernails. The boy stumbled and fell and Castiel picked them up. Eventually he had to stop, concentrate, transport them, because it was just too far for the battered little one to travel on his feet. The rain washed away the thick copper stream flowing from the small nose, already sore and swollen from earlier exertions and earlier blows. They kept going, all the way to Bobby Singer's porch. And there they could go no farther.
Jimmy & Bobby
Blackbird - Evan Rachel Woods
Blackbird singing in the dead of night, take these broken wings and learn to fly. All your life, you were only waiting for this moment to arrive.
When he took the time to look closer, Castiel was surprised to recognize a mirrored brokenness in Bobby Singer. The man had lost a great deal, and it had changed him. But there was goodness in him too. He was incapable of ignoring the hurt in Jimmy, incapable of turning away. Castiel could only watch in amazement as the wounded humans came together and began to heal, each a balm for the other. He had never imagined such a thing, but here it was, happening before his eyes.
Mahna Mahna - CAKE
Jimmy's spirit was full of astonishing brightness. Once a few layers of injury had been peeled away, he began to shine again. Beautiful and sweet and overflowing with joy, he sang and laughed and glowed. Every sound, every movement, was a shout of praise. Castiel understood more fully than ever just why the Father loved these frail creatures of dust so very much.
Symphonic Dance - Phil Keaggy
When rain came again to Bobby Singer's house, Jimmy built himself a small shelter of pillows and blankets and hid away from the flaring light and roaring darkness, protecting himself as best he could from the memories. But Bobby brought him cocoa and coaxed him out, and Jimmy could do nothing but blossom richly in the light of such care and affection. The next time it rained, it was a gentle fall, and the child danced in it, jumping through the puddles and laughing when the dog Bartholomew shook his shaggy body and sprayed the boy with muddy water. Storms never again had such painful power over his spirit.
Lullabye (Goodnight, My Angel) - Billy Joel
Goodnight, my angel, now it's time to sleep, and still so many things I want to say. Remember all the songs you sang to me when we went sailing on an emerald bay.
One day in July, Bobby took Jimmy fishing on a nearby lake. He warned the boy not to make much noise or he might scare the fish. Jimmy tried to listen, but he was just too full of joy. He sang without realizing he was doing it, usually quite loudly. At first Bobby shushed him every time, and the boy silenced himself with a sheepish apology and a blush. Eventually, though, the man just gave up, smiling at Jimmy with a strange light of exasperated love in his eyes. They caught very few fish, but it was a wonderful day, nonetheless. Jimmy fell asleep quickly that night, exhausted with happiness, Bobby's hand stroking the hair back from his forehead. Castiel lay awake for some time, remembering how good it had been.
You Belong to Me - Jason Wade
See the marketplace in old Angiers, send me photographs and souvenirs. Just remember when a dream appears, you belong to me.
Castiel knew that they would have to leave Bobby Singer eventually. This interlude of peace and healing was entirely necessary, but it couldn't last. Soon, perhaps when they finally found John Winchester, they would have to go. Castiel had come back here for a purpose and it could not be ignored, but he had no idea how he could explain this to Uncle Bobby. In a very real way, Jimmy belonged to Bobby now. It would wound them terribly to be apart, and Castiel dreaded the coming inevitability. Jimmy tried to assure him that it would be all right, that Uncle Bobby would understand and bless their journey, once they worked up the courage to tell him about it. But they both put it off for as long as possible.
Scotch Chocolate - Nickel Creek
The warm months of summer seemed to stretch into infinity. They played in the woods with Bartholomew, helped Bobby with his automobile parts, ate cheese sandwiches and drank lemonade. At night they lounged beside the fire and read Narnia books while Bobby studied demonology texts or leafed through the newspaper. The nights were deep and restful, as long as the nightmares stayed away, which they didn't always. Neither Jimmy nor Castiel had much control over what their minds chose to do at night. Sometimes they woke with a startled gasp and fell quickly back to sleep, and sometimes Bobby was there to comfort them. But sunlight always chased dreams and memories away, forgotten, and the long summer days were full of music and laughter and goodness.
Jimmy & Dean
Over the Rainbow - Me First and the Gimmes Gimmes
Somewhere over the rainbow, bluebirds fly. Birds fly over the rainbow, why then, oh, why can't I?
It shouldn't really have been possible for Jimmy and Dean to be friends, Castiel reflected the night after they met for the first time in this reality. It was a collision of two entirely different forms of matter, or perhaps a collision of mass and energy, the particle-wave of light and one of the heavy elements. Impossible according to all the laws of earthly physics, in other words. Years later Castiel would have a better analogy-it was like a fusion of hard rock and showtunes, crazy and headache-inducing. Yet somehow they made it work, those two children. It was amazing and somehow perfect.
You're My Best Friend - Queen
Ooh, you make me live. Whenever this world is cruel to me, I've got you to help me forgive.
Before this time, Castiel had never had any concept of having a “best friend.” He'd had brothers, sisters, teachers, superiors, and above all a Father, but never exactly what humans might term a friend. Jimmy, sifting through Castiel's memories of the other Dean, had been dismayed to realize that the same was true of the elder Winchester. Dean had had acquaintances, “lovers,” a brother, a father, a lost mother, and an avuncular figure in Bobby Singer. But never a true friend, let alone a best one. “It's going to be different this time around,” Jimmy told him firmly, and Castiel could only agree. They both devoted themselves fully to being the best best friend that had ever existed.
Leatherwing Bat - Cormorant's Fancy
I, said the little turtledove, I'll tell you how to win her love. Court her night and court her day. Never give her time to say Oh nay.
The first time around, Dean and Sam grew up with classic rock, country music, AC/DC and Motorhead and The Allman Brothers. This time, though, there was Jimmy, and he had entirely different ideas of what good music was. He sang them hymns and Sunday School songs and folk tunes, and the little Winchesters could only listen and love them, because Jimmy's voice was sweet and pure and his delight in this music shone through in every note, every syllable. Castiel hummed along inside his head, sometimes sang them himself, hesitantly at first but with growing confidence as the years passed. It was nothing like the music the angels sang in heaven and Castiel missed that music with a sharp ache that never faded. But slowly, gradually, he began to forget what it sounded like, and the songs in his head were replaced with “Amazing Grace” and “The Wise Man and the Foolish Man” and “Leatherwing Bat”.
Son of Man - Phil Collins
There's no one there to guide you, no one to take your hand, but with faith and understanding you'll journey from boy to man.
As Jimmy grew and learned, Castiel experienced everything with him. Every emotion, every growing pain, every hurt and joy, small and large and in-between. He knew now that the emotions he had felt as an angel were minuscule, limited, rare, and yet they had affected him deeply. He could not help but be powerfully shaken by these. Uriel would have said that this was corrupting him, but Castiel felt larger for it, stronger in all the ways that mattered, even though his grace was still wounded, his wings clipped. With every new discovery, humanity grew more precious to him, more worth saving, and he did not regret a moment of it.
Skating - Vince Guaraldi Trio
The winter Dean was six and Jimmy was eleven, the Winchester boys spent almost a month at Uncle Bobby's while their father trained with a hunter out east who was willing to show him a few tricks of the trade. The boys built snow forts and stuffed snow down each other's shirts and walked through the blank white world, looking behind themselves to see where they'd been. They went inside and had soup and hot cocoa, noses and cheeks bright red with cold and stinging as they warmed. Most peculiar of all, they made snow angels, and Castiel looked down from Jimmy's height and tilted his head to stare at them, remembering his brethren, missing them dreadfully. Jimmy reminded him, though, that Uncle Bobby was going to take them skating on a pond that afternoon, and he soon forgot his loneliness.
Fallen from the Sky - Glen Hansard
You must have fallen from the sky, you must have come here in the pouring rain. You took so many through the light, and now you're on your own. If you need somewhere to fall apart, somewhere to fall apart...
Castiel knew that Bobby was going to figure it out eventually. He already knew that Castiel existed, just didn't know his name, what he was. Bobby was extremely intelligent, for a human, and Castiel was very bad at imitating humanity, though he slowly learned, getting better at acting like Jimmy every day. And every day he got away with it, Uncle Bobby looked a little more relieved. He thought Jimmy was getting better, healing, but there was no healing from this. Eventually he would find out, or they would tell him, because he had to know. They needed his help. For now, though, it was nice to just be a little boy, sheltered and loved.
The Road Ahead
Faith Enough - Jars of Clay
This body frail enough for fighting, I'm home enough to know I'm lost. Home enough to know I'm lost. It's just enough to be strong in the broken places, in the broken places. It's just enough to be strong should the world rely on faith tonight.
Castiel still worried, sometimes, often, all the time, that he wasn't going to be enough. He was alone here, terribly alone. He couldn't communicate with his brothers, even if they would have listened, and the isolation was terrifying at times. He'd never known a time when he couldn't reach inside himself and hear a thousand million billion trillion voices, feel a part of that multitude, strength in their shared purpose and faith. This loneliness was the worst thing he'd ever experienced in all his long existence. But he had Jimmy, he always had Jimmy, one small sure voice in the wilderness. Jimmy's faith could tilt the universe on edge, of that Castiel was certain. It would be faith enough to change the future.
Twenty-Four - Switchfoot
I want to see miracles, see the world change. I wrestled the angel for more than a name. For more than a feeling, more than a cause. I'm singing, “Spirit, take me up in arms with You.”
Failure was not something that angels were familiar with. They had been created for specific purposes-sometimes very specific purposes-and given the tools to fulfill them. That was all. Before he met Dean, Castiel had never failed a mission, never disobeyed an order, never botched a job. But it seemed that humanity always added innumerable variables to tasks that should have been unquestionably simple. And Castiel was bound, now, by a body, by time, by injuries that he could not heal alone. Everything was different now, and too much was the same. And Castiel knew fear.
All Is Well - Carolyn Arends
Storms will come, hide the sun and leave us numb with cold. Limbs will fall, still all is well with my soul.
One of Castiel's favorites of Jimmy's hymns spoke of how tragedy battered and trials came but still all was well with the hymn writer's soul. Castiel knew the man's story, knew that he had lost his wife and children in terrible circumstances. And still he had written that song, despite everything. If a single human could bear all that and still believe in God's peace, if Jimmy could suffer all that he had and still trust Castiel to repair the damage, then surely he, an angel of the Lord, could hold the same peace and faith in his heart no matter what the future held.
Mansions - Burlap to Cashmere
Now pride and hate they live inside me. I need your loving love to guide me. Help me walk across these borders. I'm a pilgrim in deep waters.
It was supremely distressing, being unable to hear audible answers to his prayers. Castiel was used to being able to seek guidance wherever and whenever he wished. Though he doubted now whether the answers he received had truly come from the Father, it had still been an immense comfort to be able to ask a question and receive an answer almost immediately. All was murky and confused, now, cloudy, gray. Castiel followed no orders but his own. He did not find this liberating, as Dean might have. He was unmoored, loose and adrift in a trackless sea. Still he prayed daily, though he heard nothing. Jimmy did, too, but he was used to the silence, so it didn't perturb him. It was yet another way that the human child gave comfort to the imprisoned angel.
This Road - Jars of Clay
This road that we travel, may it be the straight and narrow. God, give us peace and grace from You all the day. Shelter with fire, our voices we raise still higher. God, give us peace and grace from You all the day through.
Castiel did not know what the future held. He only knew that the journey would be long and hard, like nothing he had ever done. He was a wanderer now, just as Sam and Dean had always been. As with so many things, he understood much better now what that was like, how uncertain and lonely this path was. He had much more sympathy for Sam now, for the choices he had made. They had always seemed like the right ones, even as they led him farther and farther away from the path. Castiel could only pray that he was not making the same sorts of mistakes.
On Distant Shores - Five Iron Frenzy
With my eyes fastened tight yet unscarred from the fight, running at full-tilt, my sword pulled from its hilt, it's funny how these days can slip away. Our frail deeds at last will wave goodbye.
Battles were coming. Castiel kept his sword sharpened, hoping that someday it would be unsheathed again. That he would someday again be a warrior, fighting against the demons instead of hiding from them. That he would be able to unfurl his wings and fly. He missed flight most of all. But his sword was sharp. He was ready.
Next story in 'verse: And Make Their Quiet Pleas for Sanity