Fic: The Unicorn Who Used Up Dean’s Shampoo
Title: The Unicorn Who Used Up Dean's Shampoo
Characters: Sam, Dean, a unicorn
Ratings/Warnings: PG/copious use of the word "unicorn" and unapologetic repurposing of a Dogma joke.
Word Count: 920
Summary: There's a unicorn in the motel room shower, and he's getting really sick of this Winchester gawk-at-the-unicorn bullcrap.
The unicorn was already in the shower when Sam went to brush his teeth. Bleary-eyed from sleep, he had a mouthful of toothpaste suds before he saw it: the flick of a pink tail in the mirror. Sam paused and turned around. There in the dingy motel shower, standing out stark white and sparkly against the vine-themed tiles, was a unicorn.
Sam’s jaw unhinged. “Uh,” he said.
“I’m a unicorn,” said the unicorn, shrugging its unicorn shoulders.
“Neat,” said Sam, backing out of the bathroom slowly.
Dean was still asleep on the bed nearest the bathroom, his legs tangled in the covers.
“Dean,” Sam said.
“Mmg,” Dean replied into the pillow.
Sam cleared his throat. “DEAN.”
Dean started upright, gasping, “I didn’t come on you, Cas, I swear!” He blinked up at his brother. “Dude, it’s not even ten yet. Whaddaya want?”
“There’s a unicorn in the bathroom.”
Dean stared for a second before smirking. “Sammy, remember we talked about you drinking the hand sanitizer?”
“Yeah, when I was five. I’m not hallucinating this time, Dean - there really is a unicorn in the bathroom.”
Dean assessed the seriousness in his face for a moment before rolling out of bed and joining his brother on a suspicious march into the bathroom.
The unicorn looked at them with a bored expression. “Is there a problem here?”
“That’s-” Dean started, glancing from his brother to the unicorn and taking a defensive stance. “You’re a unicorn.”
“I know,” said the unicorn.
“But unicorns don’t exist,” Dean said.
“Excuse me? I don’t ‘exist’?” The unicorn huffed glitter out its nostrils, giving Dean a glare. “Mister-Winchester, is it?-do I go around telling people you don’t exist? Don’t you think that would be teeniest bit rude?”
“Um, unicorn?” Sam said, stepping forward. “How did you get into our shower without us noticing? And how did you know our last name?”
“I’M A UNICORN,” barked the unicorn. “Oh my god, are all hunters this stupid, or is this a family trait?”
Dean frowned and crossed his arms. “Okay, I’m gonna ignore that last jab, since I’m not quite awake yet and you’re a unicorn, but mind telling us why you’re in our shower?”
The unicorn heaved a dramatic sigh. “You have hex bags protecting the room, and I needed to evade some leprechauns.”
“Leprechauns?” Sam repeated.
“Yes, leprechauns,” the unicorn said, shaking its head in exasperation. “You ever been cornered by a herd of leprechauns? It’s like drowning in tiny hands.”
“Well, that’s…upsetting,” Dean said, making a face.
“Let me guess,” Sam said, “they can’t get past the hex bags but you can, because you’re a unicorn?”
“Give the man a toaster!” cried the unicorn.
“How come the shower?” Dean asked. “What, you didn’t want to cuddle up with Sasquatch here?”
“I needed a shower,” the unicorn replied.
“Because…unicorns need frequent showers?” Dean guessed.
“No, because I couldn’t ditch the smell of pennies after getting groped by the goddamn leprechauns,” the unicorn answered, frowning at him. “I used up all your shampoo, by the way. Look, guys, I hate to cut the Unicorn Question and Super Obvious Answers Session short, but I’m tired, and if I don’t condition, my mane and tail are going to puff up like cotton candy. Can you give me a few minutes to myself?”
The boys walked out of the bathroom and closed the door. Behind them, the sound of shower jets cut in. Dean gave the room a dreamy look. “How long’s it been since we had cotton candy?”
“Focus, Dean,” Sam whispered. “There’s a unicorn in our shower,”
“Well, thank you, genius, I’ll go call the Coast Guard,” Dean hissed back, brought down from his daydream. “The question is, what do we do?”
“Kick him in the crotch and run?”
“Do unicorns even have something down there to kick?”
Over the sound of the shower, the unicorn called, “Bigger than in your wildest dreams!”
“I don’t dream about unicorns,” Dean said hastily.
“I will never ask,” Sam promised.
The shower turned off.
“That was fast,” Dean said.
“Dude,” Sam said, giving him an obvious look. “Unicorn.”
“Right.”
The bathroom door creaked open, and in strode the unicorn, tossing his lustrous mane so it sent sparkles and tiny heart-shaped bubbles cascading to the ugly carpet. “Ahh. Much better. Well, boys, it’s been fun, but my ultrasonic hearing isn’t picking up the evil cackling of tiny voices anymore so I think I can get going now.”
“So soon?” Dean said sarcastically. “But we were just getting to know each other.”
“You have to excuse our ignorance,” Sam said eagerly, extending his hands to the unicorn. “We grew up thinking your kind were just a myth. I have so much more to ask you! Like, are there more of you? Does your horn really grant immortality? How come we’ve never seen one of you before?”
The unicorn leaned in very close to Sam, its large opalescent eyes reflecting the sunshine. “Because,” he said seriously, “we don’t hang out with gomers.”
Then, with a sound like a thousand beautiful princesses raising their voices in song, the unicorn disappeared.
“‘Gomers’?” Sam murmured to himself.
“Don’t let him get to you, man,” Dean said, shrugging. “Clearly, unicorns are tools.”
“Yeah,” Sam whispered to himself sadly. In his deepest dreams, he’d always secretly wanted unicorns to exist - he’d wanted something truly beautiful and magical to exist in this ugly world. But it turned out, like every other hope he’d ever held close, this one was was doomed to disappoint him.
Dean opened the motel fridge and scowled at the freezer compartment. “Aw, man! The unicorn ate my Hot Pockets!”
THE END.
Edit: And by "the end" I mean for a little while. sockkiah and I will be trading off writing further installments of the unicorn's story. Beware. Be very ware.
Edit2: See what this insanity has wrought? SEE?
Part 1: The Unicorn Who Used Up Dean's Shampoo
Part 2: The Unicorn Who Apologized For Stealing Hot Pockets
Part 3: The Unicorn Who Made Sam Deeply Uncomfortable
Part 4: The Unicorn Who Interrupted An Angel Of The Lord
Part 5: The Unicorn Who Ruined a Patented Winchester Heart-to-heart
Part 6: The Unicorn Who Helped Sam Reclaim His Childhood
Part 7: The Unicorn Who Crashed the Garrison's Pool Party
Part 8: The Unicorn Who Ruined the Apocalypse
Characters: Sam, Dean, a unicorn
Ratings/Warnings: PG/copious use of the word "unicorn" and unapologetic repurposing of a Dogma joke.
Word Count: 920
Summary: There's a unicorn in the motel room shower, and he's getting really sick of this Winchester gawk-at-the-unicorn bullcrap.
The unicorn was already in the shower when Sam went to brush his teeth. Bleary-eyed from sleep, he had a mouthful of toothpaste suds before he saw it: the flick of a pink tail in the mirror. Sam paused and turned around. There in the dingy motel shower, standing out stark white and sparkly against the vine-themed tiles, was a unicorn.
Sam’s jaw unhinged. “Uh,” he said.
“I’m a unicorn,” said the unicorn, shrugging its unicorn shoulders.
“Neat,” said Sam, backing out of the bathroom slowly.
Dean was still asleep on the bed nearest the bathroom, his legs tangled in the covers.
“Dean,” Sam said.
“Mmg,” Dean replied into the pillow.
Sam cleared his throat. “DEAN.”
Dean started upright, gasping, “I didn’t come on you, Cas, I swear!” He blinked up at his brother. “Dude, it’s not even ten yet. Whaddaya want?”
“There’s a unicorn in the bathroom.”
Dean stared for a second before smirking. “Sammy, remember we talked about you drinking the hand sanitizer?”
“Yeah, when I was five. I’m not hallucinating this time, Dean - there really is a unicorn in the bathroom.”
Dean assessed the seriousness in his face for a moment before rolling out of bed and joining his brother on a suspicious march into the bathroom.
The unicorn looked at them with a bored expression. “Is there a problem here?”
“That’s-” Dean started, glancing from his brother to the unicorn and taking a defensive stance. “You’re a unicorn.”
“I know,” said the unicorn.
“But unicorns don’t exist,” Dean said.
“Excuse me? I don’t ‘exist’?” The unicorn huffed glitter out its nostrils, giving Dean a glare. “Mister-Winchester, is it?-do I go around telling people you don’t exist? Don’t you think that would be teeniest bit rude?”
“Um, unicorn?” Sam said, stepping forward. “How did you get into our shower without us noticing? And how did you know our last name?”
“I’M A UNICORN,” barked the unicorn. “Oh my god, are all hunters this stupid, or is this a family trait?”
Dean frowned and crossed his arms. “Okay, I’m gonna ignore that last jab, since I’m not quite awake yet and you’re a unicorn, but mind telling us why you’re in our shower?”
The unicorn heaved a dramatic sigh. “You have hex bags protecting the room, and I needed to evade some leprechauns.”
“Leprechauns?” Sam repeated.
“Yes, leprechauns,” the unicorn said, shaking its head in exasperation. “You ever been cornered by a herd of leprechauns? It’s like drowning in tiny hands.”
“Well, that’s…upsetting,” Dean said, making a face.
“Let me guess,” Sam said, “they can’t get past the hex bags but you can, because you’re a unicorn?”
“Give the man a toaster!” cried the unicorn.
“How come the shower?” Dean asked. “What, you didn’t want to cuddle up with Sasquatch here?”
“I needed a shower,” the unicorn replied.
“Because…unicorns need frequent showers?” Dean guessed.
“No, because I couldn’t ditch the smell of pennies after getting groped by the goddamn leprechauns,” the unicorn answered, frowning at him. “I used up all your shampoo, by the way. Look, guys, I hate to cut the Unicorn Question and Super Obvious Answers Session short, but I’m tired, and if I don’t condition, my mane and tail are going to puff up like cotton candy. Can you give me a few minutes to myself?”
The boys walked out of the bathroom and closed the door. Behind them, the sound of shower jets cut in. Dean gave the room a dreamy look. “How long’s it been since we had cotton candy?”
“Focus, Dean,” Sam whispered. “There’s a unicorn in our shower,”
“Well, thank you, genius, I’ll go call the Coast Guard,” Dean hissed back, brought down from his daydream. “The question is, what do we do?”
“Kick him in the crotch and run?”
“Do unicorns even have something down there to kick?”
Over the sound of the shower, the unicorn called, “Bigger than in your wildest dreams!”
“I don’t dream about unicorns,” Dean said hastily.
“I will never ask,” Sam promised.
The shower turned off.
“That was fast,” Dean said.
“Dude,” Sam said, giving him an obvious look. “Unicorn.”
“Right.”
The bathroom door creaked open, and in strode the unicorn, tossing his lustrous mane so it sent sparkles and tiny heart-shaped bubbles cascading to the ugly carpet. “Ahh. Much better. Well, boys, it’s been fun, but my ultrasonic hearing isn’t picking up the evil cackling of tiny voices anymore so I think I can get going now.”
“So soon?” Dean said sarcastically. “But we were just getting to know each other.”
“You have to excuse our ignorance,” Sam said eagerly, extending his hands to the unicorn. “We grew up thinking your kind were just a myth. I have so much more to ask you! Like, are there more of you? Does your horn really grant immortality? How come we’ve never seen one of you before?”
The unicorn leaned in very close to Sam, its large opalescent eyes reflecting the sunshine. “Because,” he said seriously, “we don’t hang out with gomers.”
Then, with a sound like a thousand beautiful princesses raising their voices in song, the unicorn disappeared.
“‘Gomers’?” Sam murmured to himself.
“Don’t let him get to you, man,” Dean said, shrugging. “Clearly, unicorns are tools.”
“Yeah,” Sam whispered to himself sadly. In his deepest dreams, he’d always secretly wanted unicorns to exist - he’d wanted something truly beautiful and magical to exist in this ugly world. But it turned out, like every other hope he’d ever held close, this one was was doomed to disappoint him.
Dean opened the motel fridge and scowled at the freezer compartment. “Aw, man! The unicorn ate my Hot Pockets!”
THE END.
Edit: And by "the end" I mean for a little while. sockkiah and I will be trading off writing further installments of the unicorn's story. Beware. Be very ware.
Edit2: See what this insanity has wrought? SEE?
Part 1: The Unicorn Who Used Up Dean's Shampoo
Part 2: The Unicorn Who Apologized For Stealing Hot Pockets
Part 3: The Unicorn Who Made Sam Deeply Uncomfortable
Part 4: The Unicorn Who Interrupted An Angel Of The Lord
Part 5: The Unicorn Who Ruined a Patented Winchester Heart-to-heart
Part 6: The Unicorn Who Helped Sam Reclaim His Childhood
Part 7: The Unicorn Who Crashed the Garrison's Pool Party
Part 8: The Unicorn Who Ruined the Apocalypse