Final draft of query?

[mary_j_59]

Here is one last stab at it! RJ, I tried to combine the two previous ones as you suggested, and I do think the story is a lot clearer as a result. Looking forward to everyone's reactions-

Comments

[rj_anderson]

Yes, very very good! I only have one outstanding question: now that Niki and Kennet (and Kiril) are among the aliens, what is he protecting them from? What is the threat that continues to hang over their heads once the rescue is accomplished (and presumably leads to the book's climax)?

You don't have to tell us how it's resolved, just who's threatening them. I think that would give the last couple of lines that extra punch: "...to keep protecthing his cousin and little brother [from...] will require heroism of a kind Kiril has never imagined."

[mary_j_59]

Thanks again, RJ, and I do hope you're feeling better. You've spent so much time and energy helping me with this; I want to emphasize how much I appreciate it

[rj_anderson]

I think it's either-or in this situation, then, and you can go with whatever version you like best. The idea of a threat to Kennet and Niki that Kiril must remain with them to defeat seems more compelling to me than just hearing that he has to go on living as a nameless ghost among aliens, which seems more of a static thing (sad, but static) with no imminent hope of resolution. However, if there isn't actually a big threat to Kennet and Niki once they're rescued, then the original version might be a little misleading.

I don't think I can help any further without actually reading the book, but I'm glad you feel my comments have been of some use to you in the end!

[arkan2]

All his life, Kiril Tesurik, sixteen,

This reads like the opening paragraph of a biographical newspaper article, particularly the way you insert his age in there. Still, I'm quibbling now, and the only other issues I have with the query are also quibbles.

Good luck!

[mary_j_59]

Um - well - thanks, I guess. It's my understanding that agents want to know that you are writing about, as well as for, teenagers. So the age is staying in there!

[missfloraposte]

Is it supposed to reveal more parts of the plot than the back of the book blurb usually would? A bit like an abstract?

The only quibble I would have is that 'carry explosives down tunnels' feels like a little too much detail, and it slows the paragraph down a little. Maybe something more vague, but still emphasizing the risk? 'carry out deadly tasks'?

[deirdrej]

Hey, Mary!

I think it sounds great -- And I rather disagree with Missfloraposte, because I don't think the mention of explosives is slowing things down at all. My only quibble (well, OK, everybody has to have one!) is with the last sentence. How about something like...

If Kiril survives, he will have to find a kind of courage he has never imagined before. Or words to that effect.

I think it's reading very well -- Yay, Mary!

[deirdrej]

I think I have it! How about:

Kiril didn't plan to go on living. But he just might survive, and if he does, he will be able to lead his cousin and his little brother into an unimaginably new life. But to do this, he will have to find courage-- and determination -- that he didn't know he had.

My YA novel, complete at # words, reworks the themes of classic American 19th century literature in a future civilization.......

OK this is getting out of hand. :-)
Do with it what you will, Mary!

[mary_j_59]

No, actually, that's helpful. I think I can make something of it that neither loses tension nor falsifies the book. Thanks!

(And David is scarily brilliant, isn't he?)

[anne_arthur]

Sorry for being so slow to comment. This really seems to capture the book very well now, but, with the proviso that I really know nothing about pitches to agents, here are a few comments

[mary_j_59]

I am so glad you did reply! This was very helpful. I am going with, "Sixteen-yer-old Kiril Tesurk", since I like it better, too - as someone said over on the agentquery board, it flows better. And Deirdre and I both laughed aloud at the image of the cruel Marakis twirling his mustaches! So the adjective is definitely coming out. Not having read The Dragon Tatto, I wasn't aware that readers might even think of Niki as being like that character! And it is all her qualities - her loyalty and affection and strong moral sense, as well as her know-how - that land her in the middle of this plot. But I'm not sure: I have so little room to get the book across that I may just leave her with her mad hacker skills and let any prospective agent discover the rest when they read the full manuscript.

I really do appreciate your input, as always. Thanks!

[anne_arthur]

I'm glad you found the comments helpful! And since no-one else has made the Dragon Tattoo connection, it's probably just me - I've been reading the book for a book club I go to (which met on Tuesday) so it's been rather on my mind. Not a book I'd recommend, really, and I certainly have no desire to read the sequels, but it was an interesting one to discuss.