Here is one last stab at it! RJ, I tried to combine the two previous ones as you suggested, and I do think the story is a lot clearer as a result. Looking forward to everyone's reactions- ( Read more... )
Sorry for being so slow to comment. This really seems to capture the book very well now, but, with the proviso that I really know nothing about pitches to agents, here are a few comments.
1) I don't like 'Kiril Tesurik, sixteen' either - it sounds as if he is being interviewed for a newspaper! 'All his life, sixteen-year-old Kiril Tesurik' is much better.
2) I'm not sure about 'the cruel lord Marakis' - it just gives me a picture of him cackling madly and twirling his moustache while handing explosives to small children, somehow. Would it be possible to say something like 'sent to the desert mines, one of the children used to carry explosives down tunnels'? Or leave lord Marakis in, but leave out the cruel? After all, employing children in dangerous jobs is something we would automatically think of as cruel - it doesn't need to be labelled as such.
3) I like 'to survive, and to keep protecting his cousin and little brother', and it is true - but R J Anderson is right, he is not protecting them from anything specific. I rather like Deirdre's suggestion about leading them into an unimaginable new life - that might be a very good compromise, IMO.
4) I was going to say that including Niki might make everything too complicated, but you've managed to sum up her part in the story beautifully! I would however suggest toning down 'can hack into any computer system, even the government's'. I think this might just suggest to an agent that what you have is a clone of Lisbeth Salander from 'The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo' - when really, Niki is anything but! So perhaps going easy on the preternatural hacking abilities, and including some of Niki's unLisbeth-like qualities (such as warmth, loyalty, family feeling) might be an idea. But perhaps that is just me?
I am so glad you did reply! This was very helpful. I am going with, "Sixteen-yer-old Kiril Tesurk", since I like it better, too - as someone said over on the agentquery board, it flows better. And Deirdre and I both laughed aloud at the image of the cruel Marakis twirling his mustaches! So the adjective is definitely coming out. Not having read The Dragon Tatto, I wasn't aware that readers might even think of Niki as being like that character! And it is all her qualities - her loyalty and affection and strong moral sense, as well as her know-how - that land her in the middle of this plot. But I'm not sure: I have so little room to get the book across that I may just leave her with her mad hacker skills and let any prospective agent discover the rest when they read the full manuscript.
I really do appreciate your input, as always. Thanks!
I'm glad you found the comments helpful! And since no-one else has made the Dragon Tattoo connection, it's probably just me - I've been reading the book for a book club I go to (which met on Tuesday) so it's been rather on my mind. Not a book I'd recommend, really, and I certainly have no desire to read the sequels, but it was an interesting one to discuss.
1) I don't like 'Kiril Tesurik, sixteen' either - it sounds as if he is being interviewed for a newspaper! 'All his life, sixteen-year-old Kiril Tesurik' is much better.
2) I'm not sure about 'the cruel lord Marakis' - it just gives me a picture of him cackling madly and twirling his moustache while handing explosives to small children, somehow. Would it be possible to say something like 'sent to the desert mines, one of the children used to carry explosives down tunnels'? Or leave lord Marakis in, but leave out the cruel? After all, employing children in dangerous jobs is something we would automatically think of as cruel - it doesn't need to be labelled as such.
3) I like 'to survive, and to keep protecting his cousin and little brother', and it is true - but R J Anderson is right, he is not protecting them from anything specific. I rather like Deirdre's suggestion about leading them into an unimaginable new life - that might be a very good compromise, IMO.
4) I was going to say that including Niki might make everything too complicated, but you've managed to sum up her part in the story beautifully! I would however suggest toning down 'can hack into any computer system, even the government's'. I think this might just suggest to an agent that what you have is a clone of Lisbeth Salander from 'The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo' - when really, Niki is anything but! So perhaps going easy on the preternatural hacking abilities, and including some of Niki's unLisbeth-like qualities (such as warmth, loyalty, family feeling) might be an idea. But perhaps that is just me?
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I really do appreciate your input, as always. Thanks!
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