SPN RPS: Faint Stars and Bright Satellite Skies (6/7) // NC-17 // Jared/Jensen
Faint Stars and Bright Satellite Skies
Jared/Jensen, NC-17
See the index for a full header.
Part 5
Jensen was sure Jared heard his quick intake of air as he reached up to cup Jared's cheek. He felt his chest twinge when Jared's eyes fell shut and he allowed himself to lean into the touch for a brief moment. Too soon, though, Jared was pulling back and opening his eyes, rallying strength to step back, shut the door and say goodbye to him. Jensen opened his mouth to say something, his hand still raised to Jared's cheek, but a bright flash caught him off guard, rendering him speechless for a second before he realized what was going on, followed by another and another until all he could see were flashes.
"Hey!" he yelled out, turning toward the commotion. "Put those down! Stop!"
Three photograhers were standing behind them in the hall, snapping photos quickly. Except for the cameras they looked like regular people who lived in the complex and Jared figured someone let them in, thinking they lived in the building. They continued to take a few more photos before Jensen started advancing on them, yelling. Jared followed and the photographers got scared and started running. Jensen raced after them, swearing and shouting at them and Jared stayed back, hesitating on whether to follow.
Jensen tried to chase after the photographers but they were too fast and got out of the building before he could reach them. He caught their license plate number and made a mental note of it, vowing to track them down however he could. He had to act fast, though. Jensen looked back and noticed that Jared had followed him out of the building and was standing on the walkway in his bare feet, hands shoved deep in his pockets. Jensen walked back to him, unsure of what to say.
"Sorry, Jensen," Jared offered and he sounded like he actually meant it. Jensen shrugged and sighed tiredly.
"I have to go- call Lynne and figure out what do do." He ran a shaky hand through his hair and turned to go.
"Jensen!" Jared called before he got too far down the hall. Jensen froze but only turned halfway and waited for Jared to continue. "Is it really worth it?"
There was a long silence and for a second Jensen saw a flicker of hope light up in Jared's face. "It has to be," he finally said softly, and out of the corner of his eye he watched Jared's shoulders slump as he leaned back against his door, burying his hands in his pockets.
When Jensen imagined how things would go on this shoot, the progression of days and the people he would meet and then finally leaving Texas, he never once expected his life to blow up so spectacularly in his face as he walked away from Jared, this city and what felt like half of himself.
~~~~
So life went on. That's what Jared learned from his experience with Jensen Ackles. Life was actually moving at breakneck speed for Jared since Jensen left town and basically disappeared. There hadn't been any new magazine covers or interviews speculating on his new romantic conquests, or anything, really, in quite some time. There hadn't even been any paparazzi shots...
Jared wasn't sure what happened after that last night. Jensen walked away from him and as far as Jared knew he got on his plane the next day and took off for La-La land, determined to never think about Jared again. It felt that way, anyway, because Jared hadn't heard squat from the actor in the past couple months. Jared knew he could get in touch with Jensen if he really wanted, but clearly Jensen didn't want to be contacted so Jared had to respect that.
The rest of the summer passed relatively uneventfully. The film crew packed up and moved out of town, taking with them the best job Jared was sure he ever had. But in the first couple weeks after they left he questioned whether that was because of the actual job or because Jensen was there every day. Once Jared returned to his usual grind at the bar and gas station he realized he did miss the work. He missed getting up at the crack of dawn and running his ass off every day and going home exhausted. He missed learning new things about lighting and pacing and how to get a dolly to work when the wheels were stuck. He learned about the best angles to shoot a scene for, depending on what mood the director was going for. He learned the most about himself, and that he couldn't sit around and wait for things to happen in his life anymore.
He told his family and friends that he was bisexual. His experience with Jensen and that last night was motivation enough for him to want to do it the next day, but he knew he had to work up to doing it, find out the best way to go about it to prepare himself for some potentially negative reactions. His parents were shocked, to say the least while Megan's face was unreadable. His mother cried and his dad left the room. Jared's heart sank and he got up to leave, but his mother stopped him and made him sit down and tell her everything. He told her an edited story of how he met this guy and he was really, really great and well, one thing led to another. He found his father outside in the backyard and Jared talked even though he wasn't sure his father was even listening. He talked until it got dusky and the moths swarmed around the outside light.
"I'm not going to hide, Dad," Jared said finally, his voice tired and growing hoarse as he stood up from the patio chair he sat in for the duration of his one-sided talk. "I'd rather have you know and hate me than live in fear of you finding out some other way and hating me even more."
"Jared." Jared looked up at his father's gruff voice, surprised. "We could never hate you." He stood up and drew Jared into an awkward hug that Jared accepted greatfully. "Just give us some time, son. We need to understand all this."
"Okay," Jared whispered, scared his voice would crack. He left that night feeling a million times lighter than he had in a long while. He was sitting in his truck in the driveway, resting his shaking hands on the steering wheel, when the passenger side door opened and Megan hopped in the truck, startling him. He gave her a cautious smile, unsure of her reaction because she hadn't said anything while he talked to his mother.
"It was Jensen, wasn't it?" she asked softly. Jared blinked at her and looked confused.
"The guy you met. It was Jensen," she went on. Jared opened his mouth to say something- he wasn't sure what but perhaps to deny? To argue? To make someone else up?
"Yeah," Jared said softly, looking down at his hands.
"What happened?" she asked, twisting toward him on the seat to look him better in the eye.
"He uh," Jared started, feeling his throat get scratchy. "He wouldn't." He stopped again and tried to breathe deep to keep from losing control. "I wasn't enough to make him stay."
There was a moment of silence and then Jared felt a hot, fat tear roll down his cheek. He gasped and let himself go for the first time since the whole mess started. Megan reached across the seat and pulled him against her tightly, letting him fall apart around her. They sat in the dark and quiet truck for a long time that night.
~~~~
"Don't forget to call when you stop at each place, you hear?" Jared's mom told him as she passed him a small cooler full of sandwiches and drinks. Jared accepted them gratefully and leaned in to kiss her on the cheek. He packed it away behind the truck seat, the cab sweltering in the late-summer Texas heat that, deep down and even though he hated it most days, he was going to miss.
"Will do."
"Do you have a tire iron in there? The spare tire is packed so you can get at it easily, right?" Jared's dad asked, joining he and his mom in the hallway.
"Secure near the tailgate." Jared nodded. "We'll be fine, I promise."
"I know, honey. It's just so far away," Jared's mom sighed. "Couldn't you have gone to school in Dallas?"
"This one is the best, mom," Jared told her with a laugh and leaned in to hug her tight. "I'll be home before you know it for Thanksgiving."
"You'd better," she warned.
Jared led his parents out of the house to the driveway where his truck was stuffed full of his and Sandy's stuff. They were doing it- leaving just like Sandy always hoped they would. Megan stepped away from Sandy to hug her brother tight, eyes red when she pulled back.
"I'm going to be out there to visit you as much as I can, you know. So make some fast connections with some hot young actors and hook me up! If you don't keep them all for yourself, that is!" Jared laughed at her and put her in a loose headlock to muss up her hair. She shoved him away and gave him a dirty look before smiling and hugging him again quickly.
Jared scratched Harley and Sadie behind the ears and, even though he knew they didn't understand what was going on, promised he'd send for them as soon as he found a big enough place for them. Goodbyes were said to everyone and Jared's parents hugged Sandy goodbye, telling them to look after each other. Jared felt like there was a hollow spot in his chest from the thought of leaving his whole life behind but as soon as Sandy looked over at him when they rolled out of the driveway, bright smile on her face and laughing, he knew he could make it work.
~~~~
"Right through here, Mr. Ackles." Jensen looked up and noticed that the secretary at the warehouse that doubled as a set for Darren's new film was gesturing to a door behind her desk. He jumped out of his chair quickly and shrugged out of his overcoat, hanging it over his arm as he ran a hand through his hair quickly.
"Do you know what time the interviewer from the magazine will be here?" he asked as he followed her. He was meeting Darren so they could sit down with someone from Entertainment Weekly and give an interview on the movie they filmed in Texas. As far as he was aware the film was out of editing now and was being screened, so the studio had started promotion and asked Jensen if he could do some press tours in the weeks leading up to the release.
The past six months were quiet for Jensen. After the shoot in Texas and the photographers and Ja- everything, he amended to himself. After everything that went on Jensen decided to take some time off and relax. He found out who the photographers were working for and offered them a lot of money to keep the photos quiet, at least for the time being. Jensen knew they were just waiting for the right moment to release them but he was holding onto the idea that as long as he threw money at them they'd keep their part of the agreement.
Not that any of it mattered anymore. The past six months were really about a lot of soul-searching for Jensen. He was taking the time off under the pretenses of reading scripts and waiting for his next great role to come along, but really he'd only glanced at a couple scripts and told his publicist to keep the heat off him for as long as possible. The months passed faster than he expected and now he was bracing himself for a potential media firestorm if those pictures got released. He'd given Lynne the heads up already and prepared for her wrath, but she hugged him instead and called him a jackass, swearing she'd be with him as long as he wanted her around. The rest of his management team took the news with barely any reaction at all and told Jensen not to worry.
However things went down, Jensen knew he had to get back into the swing of things with his career and start looking at scripts in earnest. Directors and studios were calling for him almost daily, but some of them were tapping their feet impatiently while he refused to talk to them and make decisions on anything.
So he was trying to get his head back into the game and started by agreeing to a sit-down interview with Darren, which had to be on the set of Darren's new movie because he was in such high demand of late. After the interview he was going to go meet a couple of independent directors and talk with them about the one movie role that held his attention beyond a brief cursory glance. The more he thought about the role the more nervous it made him because he realized how much he actually did want it, so he did the opposite and ignored it completely as he mentally prepared himself to talk about his last film.
"I think they said about quarter after ten, sir," the secretary replied to him as she opened the door to the set. She escorted him through to the large darkened room then smiled and returned to her desk, leaving Jensen alone. He straightened his shirt and glanced around for Darren or someone who could direct him to the other man.
"Excuse me?" Jensen cleared his throat as he approached someone standing at the craft services table from behind. "Could you tell me where Darren is, please?"
"Yeah, he's over by the su- oh." The guy turned around and stopped suddenly as he focused on Jensen, who felt his mouth drop open.
"Jared?" Jensen asked disbelievingly.
"Hey, Jensen," Jared replied, as if it were just another day. "What's up?"
"Jared?" Jensen repeated. "What are you doing here?"
"Having lunch," Jared replied with a half-grin and holding up his plate filled with salad, chicken and bread. Jensen took him in slowly. His hair was still shaggy and long-ish but seemed tamed, somehow. He was tanned, even more so than he was in Texas, and Jensen noticed that he'd managed to keep up his workout routine since the summer. Jensen let his eyes run across the pink polo shirt that was tight on his chest and down his dark, strong arms that appeared even bigger than Jensen remembered them being. He was wearing a pair of white shorts and the ever-present sandals that Jensen recalled him wearing all the time.
Jensen rolled his eyes at Jared's remark despite the overwhelming urge he felt to disappear back through the door the receptionist led him through. "Seriously- what are you doing here? I thought you turned down Darren's offer."
"I did. But then I ended up out here anyway for this course I'm taking; I'm getting some credit for a work practicum and, well..." Jared trailed off as he gestured around him. Jensen nodded his head, impressed.
"Wow, that's great," he started. He paused, trying to figure out what to say next, and Jared flashed a huge grin at something behind him. Jensen turned slightly to look and was nearly smacked in the head by an outstretched arm that wrapped around Jared's neck, pulling him into a tight hug. Jensen watched Jared hug the guy that the arm belonged to tightly, and longer than Jensen liked.
"Roger! What are you doing here? I didn't think I'd see you until tonight!" Jared said loudly, happily- with familiarity. Jensen watched as the two men, this Roger and Jared, hugged. The guy was probably Jensen's height and seemed to fit perfectly in Jared's arms. He was hot, even Jensen had to admit, with dark hair and dark eyes that held Jared's attention effortlessly as Jensen felt ignored.
"I just got in! Thought I'd stop by and see what you were up to before I went back to the apartment," Roger exclaimed, stepping back and holding Jared at arm's length so he could take him all in. "You look great!"
"Oh, hey," Jared said suddenly, looking over Roger's shoulder and noticing Jensen still standing there, likely looking as awkward as he felt. "Roger, this is Jensen. Jensen this is Roger. He's-"
"Jensen?" Darren called out then, walking out of the darkness from the other side of set with a huge grin. Jensen grinned in relief and reached a hand out to the director as he came closer. Darren shook his hand with a strong grip and clapped him on the arm. "Been awhile, Ackles. Where the hell you been?"
"Around," Jensen shrugged, happy to have something to distract him from what looked like the happy couple on his other side.
"Jared, mind if I steal him away for a bit while we do an interview?" Darren asked, as if Jared had any say. "Oh, hey Roger." Jensen glanced between Jared and Roger and Darren as his heart sunk with the realization that this Roger was clearly a regular on set.
"Of course!" Jared said, smiling brilliantly. He held his hand out to Jensen who accepted it slowly. Jared shook it quickly, keeping the contact to a minimum and looked him in the eye. "Jensen, it was good to see you. If you're around..."
"Sure." Jensen nodded. "I'll look you up now that I know you're in town."
Jared bit his lip and looked like he was going to say something else but he gave him a distant smile and turned back to Roger, saying something to him quietly that made Roger laugh. Jensen let Darren lead him away to the room they were going to give the interview in and fought the urge to look back every step of the way.
~~~~
"Un-fucking-believable," Jared muttered to himself as he unlocked the apartment door and stepped through it. He slumped against it when he closed it behind him and buried his face in his hands, groaning.
"Rough day?" Sandy called from the living room, watching him from her spot on the couch. Jared sank to the floor and spread his legs out in front of him, suddenly very tired and very confused. Sandy rushed over and crouched beside him, laying a hand on his arm. "Hey, what happened?"
"I saw him today," Jared replied shortly.
"Jensen? Where?"
"On set. He came to do an interview with Darren. I saw him as soon as he walked on set, no avoiding him."
"Do you want to avoid him?" Sandy asked, sitting down and crossing her legs beside Jared to get comfortable.
"No. Well, sort of. I don't really want to see him but I don't not want to see him. More than I don't want to see him. Am I making sense?"
"No," Sandy laughed. "But I get it. How did it go? Was he surprised to see you?"
"Damn near tripped on his tongue," Jared chuckled. "So I guess he really didn't know I've been here for a few months." Jared sobered and looked down at his hands, picking at his nails. "Someone on set told me today that Jensen's been a damn near recluse since Texas. No one's seen him or heard from him, he's not making any noise about what he's going to do next- nothing."
"Why do you think that is?" Sandy asked, reaching over to brush the hair out of Jared's face.
"A part of me wants it to be because of me. But that same part feels really bad if it is. It's his fault, though!" Jared exclaimed and Sandy nodded. "I gave him every chance back in Texas. I just want to be happy, Sandy."
"I know, honey," she murmured, moving around to sit by him against the door and pulling his head down to rest against hers as she stroked his hair. "I want you to be, too."
"He's not," Jared sighed. "He's lost weight and he doesn't look like he's been sleeping well. I feel like a damn fool for even thinking about him and what's going on with him, let alone worrying about the asshole, but I miss him. I didn't realize how much until today when I saw him."
"Maybe you need some closure? To talk to him and settle things between you two?"
"It doesn't get any more settled than Jensen leaving town freaked out about the idea that there are pictures of the two of us together out there. He meant what he said when he left Texas over the summer- his life is totally different from mine."
"Oh, what the fuck ever," Sandy groaned, clearly having heard this argument before. "Jared, you have to stop blaming yourself and thinking you're not good enough for him. When it comes right down to it you're gonna have to face it- dude's a dick."
"No," Jared denied immediately. "He's not." Sandy looked over at him disbelievingly. "I know, I know- it looks bad. But I get where he's coming from. And he was right, he doesn't have the same support system that I do or freedom to step up and say, 'this is who I am and fuck everything else'. He makes his living on what other people think of him and as a result what they'll pay to see him in movies."
"Doesn't mean he has to treat you like shit along the way, though. But," Sandy said with a sigh. "If things are really that bad for him then I think you got the better deal. And truth be told, I'm glad you're not with him if that's the way it's going to be. I don't want you to feel like you have to hide anything, Jared."
"I don't either," he nodded. "And I'm not. If I didn't do it for him then, I won't now. Not after everything that's happened. I just wish he'd see it the same way."
"Maybe he will eventually, right? But you don't need to waste any more time thinking about that right now. Come on, I have supper in the oven and I tried a new recipe for dessert that one of the girls from the temp agency gave me." Jared let Sandy help him stand up and led him to the kitchen where she showed him a pie. Or so he thought.
"What is it?"
"It's supposed to be an apple streudel. I kinda mushed it a little but it still tastes good!"
Jared burst out laughing and pulled Sandy to him, hugging her to him tightly. "Thanks, Sandy."
She squeezed him back briefly and then shoved him away, still laughing. "Yeah, yeah. No more sentimental crap. Let's eat!"
~~~~
"So things between you and Jared aren't any better?"
Jensen looked over at Darren and was grateful for the sunglasses that hid his eyes from wincing at the mention of him and Jared. He shook his head and took a sip of his coffee, saving him from speaking about it at all. Darren had asked Jensen to meet him for an early breakfast during their interview earlier in the week and mentioned something about a new script. Jensen figured it couldn't hurt to ask and agreed, taking his first meeting since he filmed the movie in Texas. The last thing he wanted to do was discuss Jared but he wasn't about to tell Darren that to his face.
"You didn't even know he was here, did you?" Darren continued. Again, Jensen shook his head. "Why didn't you ever ask about him? Or call him?"
Jensen sighed and shrugged.
"Come on, man. Give me something here."
"It's none of your business?" Jensen replied lightly, raising his eyebrows over his sunglasses. Darren held up his hands and nodded.
"Agreed. But." Darren waited until he had Jensen's undivided attention. "You look like shit, Jensen."
"Gee, thanks," Jensen cut in sarcastically. Darren gave him a pointed look and Jensen gestured for him to continue.
"I really want to work with you on this film, but I don't know if you're up to it. I can't bring you on board if you're going to get sick or if you can't handle the pressure."
"I can handle it," Jensen said tersely, almost snapping at Darren.
"What's going on with you, Jensen?" Darren asked, leaning across the table closer. "I'm not here to judge, man. Just tell me what's up and we can get through it."
"It's nothing," Jensen tried to say flatly but Darren would have none of it.
"Don't give me that bullshit. You and Jared were great friends and then all of a sudden- nothing. You barely looked at each other before we wrapped. What's up with that? And now he's out here and you don't know at all? What happened, Jensen?"
"He found out something about me he didn't like," Jensen finally said. "So we parted ways."
"He found out...?"
Jensen pushed his sunglasses up on his head and glanced around carefully, his heart pounding as he leaned in closer to Darren. His palms were sweaty and he felt like he was putting his career on the line, he was risking his life and his livelihood and - "I'm gay, Darren." - and he was ruining everything and-
"And?"
Jensen blinked. "And?"
"Yeah, what of it? Jared didn't know? Is he homophobic?" Darren asked, his eyes growing wide with shock.
"What? No! Jared's not a homophobe. Not in the least. And he did know- he was the first, actually. And... hey, why are you so not surprised?"
"Jensen," Darren started, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. "I might be absent-minded and in my own world half the time, but I'm not blind. And neither were the other people on set. Or any set, for that matter. In fact, for the longest time I thought you and Jared were together."
Jensen must have blinked or twisted his mouth in a funny way because Darren's face dropped and he leaned in again. "You two were together? You broke up? That's what it was?"
"Sort of," Jensen replied, waving his hand. "He couldn't handle that I don't want anyone to know I'm gay."
"But people do." Darren returned, confused.
"Sure, I know that now. But I wasn't aware of that while Jared and I were... together."
"If you were would things have been different?"
Jensen started to reply but changed his mind and thought about it for a second. "I don't know."
"Let me get this straight- you and Jared hooked up-"
"We were friends first," Jensen interrupted. "We got to be really good, close friends after those couple nights at the bar. Best friends, even."
"Okay, so you're friends. One thing leads to another and you two hook up-"
"He wasn't gay. Er, he's not gay. He's bi, but he didn't realize it until we started hanging out. The guy just never expected anything out of life for himself. Made me kind of mad, because he's so smart, you know? He could do so much and he didn't even know it."
"Are you telling this story, or am I?" Darren asked. Jensen inclined his head and gestured for him to go on. "So you two are friends and you unearth some long-hidden feelings for the same sex in Jared. You two work through it, get to the good stuff and then what? You decide you can't be seen in public with him so you two break up?"
"Pretty much," Jensen shrugged. "He said that he couldn't be with someone who couldn't even accept himself or something."
"You're right, he is a smart guy."
Jensen gave Darren a look and shook his head. "You don't understand."
"I don't understand that there's something that makes you a little different and you're too chicken shit to own up to it, so no one else around you can accept it either?"
Jensen felt his cheeks redden. "It's not as simple as that-"
"You think people haven't come out before in this business? That you're different and people will think differently of you because you're gay?"
"I could lose jobs, my reputation," Jensen tried to explain.
"You could lose jobs because you tell the wrong joke at a party, Jensen. And you know that. Stop being such a pussy and suck it up. Yeah, people might look at you differently when you walk down the street. Some people might say mean things about you behind your back or refuse to include you in their circles or something but you know what? Fuck it. You and Jared- that was something. You want to be with him, right? You're fucking wasting away over the guy and yet you're acting like a fucking ass." Darren reached over and rapped Jensen on the head with his knuckles. "Life's hard, get a helmet."
Jensen was silent and frowned at Darren, taking in everything he said. "You've really known all this time?"
"I've known since before you started on the movie."
"And you still wanted to work with me?"
"I don't care what you do in your free time. As long as you show up to set on time, do your work and make me lots of money I could care less if you get high and play the bongos like McConnaughey every night. And you'll find that attitude among a lot of people in this business. Just as you'll find the people who will shy away from you when they know you're different. But a lot of those people are the ones that are going to hate you anyway, for whatever reason they can find. Clearly, Jared isn't one of those people, so try not to fuck that up any more than you already have."
Surprisingly Jensen was still able to eat after Darren finished talking to him. He thought over everything Darren said, that he had known all this time that Jensen was gay and nothing had ever come of it. From the way Darren talked- everyone knew. And yet he still had a job, he still had lots of roles being offered to him and he had been none the wiser. He was the one trying to keep a secret and yet everyone else who knew it kept it better than he did.
"So what are you going to do for the rest of the day?" Darren asked as they paid for their meal and shrugged their jackets on to leave.
"I'm going to see if I can make some appointments and then go from there." They walked outside and waited for the valet to bring them their vehicles. Before Darren got into his Jensen called out to him, "Hey Darren?"
"Yeah?"
"Is it true what they say? There's no such thing as bad publicity?" Darren grinned and winked at him.
~~~~
About a week later, Jared groaned and for a split second entertained the thought of pretending he wasn't home when the apartment buzzer sounded. Sandy was out with Jim or Tim or Ted somebody- he couldn't keep track because she was becoming quite the social butterfly lately in hopes of making connections with the right people- and Jared was looking forward to a quiet night alone in the apartment without any assignments or phone calls from set. But, as he remembered from months before, there was a voice on the other side that refused to let him be, and Jared jumped at the sound.
"Jared! I know you're in there. I can't see your truck this time but I talked to Darren. C'mon man, let me in," Jensen called from the hallway, knocking loudly. Jared winced because he knew that his neighbors would be pissed if Jensen kept up the racket, celebrity or not, so he hurried to the door and opened it quickly.
"Hey. What's up?" he asked, trying to be casual. Jensen was standing in the hallway with a surprised look on his face, holding some magazines. He looked better than he did when Jared saw him on set a couple weeks before. He looked rested and like he'd put on a few pounds. His light brown hair was shorter than it was when he was filming the movie. He was dressed simply, in fitted jeans and a button-up black shirt with a brown jacket. Next to him Jared felt schlubby in a pair of baggy jeans and a hoodie with a backward baseball cap on.
"I uh, came by to see you."
Jared nodded, refraining from saying anything too sarcastic. "And?"
"Can we talk?"
"Is there anything left to talk about?" Jared asked.
Jensen's face fell a little and he stepped forward, clutching the magazines tighter. "Don't be like that, Jared."
"Be like what? I'm honestly not sure what we could talk about now. You made yourself clear and that was months ago. That's cool, I understand. We don't have to push it any-"
"I have something I need to show you," Jensen cut him off in a rush. "Please, Jared. I'd really like to talk to you. You didn't say no when I mentioned I would look you up."
Jared shrugged and stepped aside to let him in. When Jensen passed by him Jared breathed in his scent quickly and closed his eyes as he shut the door, taking the briefest of moments to remember those few hot, summer months that he spent with him and tried not to immediately regret it. Jensen waited for him to lead him into the living room.
"Want a beer or something?" Jensen shook his head so Jared sat down and looked at him expectantly. "Okay." Jensen sat down on the coffee table across from Jared instead of sitting on the couch beside him or in one of the armchairs and took a breath.
"These are for you," Jensen said, holding out a couple magazines. One was a tabloid-esque one, all glossy and flashy with bright words and scandalised headlines- the main one being, 'Exclusive! Pictures of Heart-throb Jensen Ackles!' The other was People magazine with Jensen's smiling face plastered across the front and the headline, "The Truth in My Own Words: I'm Gay." Jared's mouth dropped open and he looked up at Jensen quickly.
"Oh my god! "Why now? Why did the pictures come out now?" He asked, heart thudding like a jackhammer in his chest.
"Because I stopped paying the photographers to keep them from being published," Jensen said quietly. Jared's mouth dropped open further.
"What? Wait- I don't get it. What?" Jared started flipping through the People magazine quickly.
"I've been paying the photographers for the past six months to stop them from selling the photos," Jensen said with wry smile. "I've been hanging on to the last shreds of my sanity because of it; constantly worrying that the next morning I was going to wake up to dozens of phone calls and people talking about me on the entertainment shows and in the supermarket rags. I've been hiding for the past six months because- well, I don't really know why.
"Then I saw you on Darren's set last week and it threw me. I thought when I left Texas I probably wouldn't see you again and I could leave all that behind because dammit, Jared- I'd made my choice long before I met you. I had everything all planned out and my career was coming first at the expense of my personal life, but it was what I had chosen for myself. Then I met you and it all went out the damn window."
"I'm sorry?" Jared asked, not quite sure where Jensen was going with his speech.
"I got scared. I probably picked the wrong profession to be in, because I don't like people knowing everything about me- or even some things about me. But I can't change that now. I hated how easy it seemed to be for you to admit your sexuality to yourself and talk about sharing it with the people in your life. I didn't hate you," he assured hurriedly, not that Jared took offense. "I just hated how simple you made it look when I could barely say the word in public for fear of someone hearing me. I'm not proud of the way I've acted and the things I said to you, or did. I wish I could say I'd do things differently if I had the chance to go back, but honestly I don't know if I would. I want to believe that everything's going to work out the way it should because that's pretty much all I have right now.
"I came here to show you these," he gestured to the magazines. "And to say that I'm sorry. You were- are- one of my best friends and I let all of that go because- well, you know why. So this is my attempt to try and fix all that and move past it." Jensen sat back a little and waited for Jared's response.
"Huh," Jared finally said slowly, trying to wrap his mind around everything. He really wasn't sure what to say and he knew that Jensen was looking for more but he didn't have it to give. He looked at Jensen and opened his mouth, then closed it again. Then, "I think I need that beer. You want one now?"
"I could go for a beer," Jensen agreed quickly. Jared took the magazines with him to the kitchen and skimmed through the article and the pictures as fast as he could while he grabbed the beers. He frowned as he flipped through the pages and read quickly as he walked back to the living room slowly.
"Jensen?" Jared asked, flipping through the other magazine curiously when he sat back down on the couch.
"Yeah?" Jensen accepted the bottle Jared offered and opened it right away, taking a long drink while Jared let his sit on the coffee table, unopened, as he flipped through the other magazine.
"These pictures..."
"Yeah?"
"There's nothing incriminating here. They don't even mention anything about you being gay in here. They're just some slightly blurry pictures of you looking pissed off and me looking confused in the background. But you can't even tell it's me because my face is kind of shadowed," Jared explained slowly, shaking his head and holding up the magazine to show the pictures of that night, with their Texas tans and summer clothes and little else.
"I know."
"So you went to People for nothing?" Jared asked, feeling like his stomach dropped to his toes.
"I went knowing what the pictures were of," Jensen clarified. Jared blinked at him and shook his head.
"But-"
"It was only after I saw the pictures that I decided to do the interview." Jensen held a hand up to stop Jared from cutting in so he could continue. "I wanted to see how bad they were for myself so I could prepare for whatever I figured would happen. I realized I'd been had but I didn't feel any better when I saw the photos. I've been paying the photographers out of fear for six months, but they were just playing me for money. And yeah, I was kind of pissed off, before you ask, but my own stupidity, right? Anyway, I realized that they could publish the photos and it would just be like any other paparazzi photos- no one would be any wiser for it. Until the next time someone took photos of me and I'd freak out again. I've been so paranoid I feel like Howard fucking Hughes. That's no way to live my life, Jared."
"I agree," Jared replied. "But everything you did it for, all the reasons you told me- your career-"
"Will still be there. Roles might be harder to get and yeah, I'll probably come across a lot of people who don't agree with how I live my life. But," Jensen said taking a deep breath. "It's how I'm going to live it and not them. I'm going to try being happy instead of famous."
"You don't even like being famous," Jared laughed.
"Exactly! That's exactly it!" Jensen exclaimed back with his own grin. "It's all so fucking simple now."
"You should've listened to me," Jared chided, jokingly. "Would have saved you all those months of worrying and fear and- hey. Do I see a grey hair in there?" Jensen batted Jared's hand away as he leaned across to pick at Jensen's head teasingly. Jared laughed again and then looked down, noticing how Jensen didn't let go of his hand. The laughter died and Jensen swallowed hard, lacing his fingers with Jared's.
"I probably don't have any place to ask this after everything, and I know you're uh, with someone else right now, but if there's any way at all that we can get some coffee or go to dinner or something? I'd really like that. I- I really want to be at least friends with you, Jared."
Jared furrowed his brow and pulled his hand back from Jensen gently. "Have you seen me with someone, Jensen?"
"On Darren's set last week, there was that guy who came up to you and hugged you, kissed you," Jensen said, clasping his hands together nervously and looking down at them.
"So that guy and me, we're together?" Jared asked with a slight grin.
"Yes? Why are you asking me?"
"I'm just trying to figure out exactly what to tell Sandy's cousin so we can have a good laugh over you thinking he's gay and my boyfriend," Jared explained, trying to hold back a big grin. Jensen looked up at him sharply and let out an exasperated sigh upon seeing Jared's laughing face. He shoved at Jared's shoulder while hiding his own smile and leaned forward without thinking as Jared ducked his head shyly and let Jensen kiss him.
It was tentative and unsure, much like their first kisses and Jared could feel his hands shake slightly as he lifted one to Jensen's shoulder slowly. Jensen was edging forward on the coffee table until their knees knocked, trying to find room. Jensen let out a frustrated groan that sent a warning shudder through Jared's body, forcing him to break the kiss and lean back. He lifted his fingers to his lips and touched them lightly while Jensen stared at him with wide eyes.
"What are we doing?" Jared asked.
"I thought it was fairly obvious," Jensen replied, trying to be funny but Jared wasn't laughing.
"It's not that simple."
Jensen nodded and swallowed hard. "Believe me, I know."
"You can't just come here with some pictures and some carefully chosen words and expect me to be happy and grateful that you finally grew a pair," Jared told him, harsher than he intended but once the words were out he realized he meant them.
"I know that, too," Jensen agreed. "I didn't come here for that, I swear."
"Then why did you?"
Jensen opened his mouth to speak but then stopped and simply said, "You were right. I played into all that bullshit and fucked up our friendship. I don't expect that to fix anything, though. You've got this whole new life out here that I had no clue about. I realized that you were the one to do all the hard stuff- got a new job, moved across the country, came out willingly ... I could barely say out loud that I'm gay. It took me a long time to understand all that but now that I have I wanted to tell you because you're my friend."
"It's easier said than done," Jared told him with a shrug. "I know why you did it all though, Jensen. This industry isn't as open and accepting as it likes to think it is and I know why you hid it for so long. I'm sorry I pushed."
"Don't be. It doesn't matter anymore, anyway. It's all out there for everyone to read about and I'm through caring about it. I'll let everyone else handle all the major stuff and keep going."
"I'm happy for you," Jared told him softly. "Still doesn't mean I can just-"
"I know, I'm not asking you to. But of anyone I could tell about this first, I wanted it to be you. Thank you."
"For what?"
"For everything you talked about over the summer- changing the way I saw things, opening doors. All that other mushy, self-realization bullshit," Jensen said, rolling his eyes and Jared chuckled.
"So..." Jared finally said when they grew quiet, unsure of what to say or do next.
"Are you doing anything this weekend?" Jensen asked in a rush. Jared blinked and sat back a little. "I mean, if you wanted we could go for coffee or maybe I could get tickets to a basketball game or something."
"I don't know if that's a good idea," Jared told him softly. Jensen's face fell a little but he nodded.
"I get it. I just thought I'd ask, is all."
"I appreciate it, I do Jensen. I just-"
"No, it's cool. I get it."
"No, you don't. I still care about you," Jared told him with a small, helpless smile. "But I don't know what's going on so I can't- I just can't."
Jensen nodded slowly. "Okay."
"I just need some time to figure things out and I think you should think about what you want."
"I have," Jensen replied, gesturing to the magazines obviously.
"Not that. I meant us," Jared waved his hand between them. "Like you said over the summer- your world and that world are two different things. Maybe what we had there wouldn't translate here, you know?"
"I'd tell you that I know it can, but I know what you'd say so I won't. I can give you time, as much as you need. I would really like us to be friends again, Jared, so here's my number and you can call me whenever, if you want. Whenever you're ready." Jensen handed Jared a card from his wallet and stood up, brushing his pants down. "I think I should go now."
"Yeah," Jared agreed. He walked Jensen to the door and leaned against the doorframe as Jensen turned to him in the hall.
"So I'll... see you around?" Jensen asked. "Maybe?"
"Maybe," Jared echoed and smiled at Jensen softly. He waited until Jensen turned back around and stepped back in the apartment to close the door quickly so he wouldn't have to watch Jensen walking away again, even if this time it was his doing.
Part 7
Jared/Jensen, NC-17
See the index for a full header.
Part 5
Jensen was sure Jared heard his quick intake of air as he reached up to cup Jared's cheek. He felt his chest twinge when Jared's eyes fell shut and he allowed himself to lean into the touch for a brief moment. Too soon, though, Jared was pulling back and opening his eyes, rallying strength to step back, shut the door and say goodbye to him. Jensen opened his mouth to say something, his hand still raised to Jared's cheek, but a bright flash caught him off guard, rendering him speechless for a second before he realized what was going on, followed by another and another until all he could see were flashes.
"Hey!" he yelled out, turning toward the commotion. "Put those down! Stop!"
Three photograhers were standing behind them in the hall, snapping photos quickly. Except for the cameras they looked like regular people who lived in the complex and Jared figured someone let them in, thinking they lived in the building. They continued to take a few more photos before Jensen started advancing on them, yelling. Jared followed and the photographers got scared and started running. Jensen raced after them, swearing and shouting at them and Jared stayed back, hesitating on whether to follow.
Jensen tried to chase after the photographers but they were too fast and got out of the building before he could reach them. He caught their license plate number and made a mental note of it, vowing to track them down however he could. He had to act fast, though. Jensen looked back and noticed that Jared had followed him out of the building and was standing on the walkway in his bare feet, hands shoved deep in his pockets. Jensen walked back to him, unsure of what to say.
"Sorry, Jensen," Jared offered and he sounded like he actually meant it. Jensen shrugged and sighed tiredly.
"I have to go- call Lynne and figure out what do do." He ran a shaky hand through his hair and turned to go.
"Jensen!" Jared called before he got too far down the hall. Jensen froze but only turned halfway and waited for Jared to continue. "Is it really worth it?"
There was a long silence and for a second Jensen saw a flicker of hope light up in Jared's face. "It has to be," he finally said softly, and out of the corner of his eye he watched Jared's shoulders slump as he leaned back against his door, burying his hands in his pockets.
When Jensen imagined how things would go on this shoot, the progression of days and the people he would meet and then finally leaving Texas, he never once expected his life to blow up so spectacularly in his face as he walked away from Jared, this city and what felt like half of himself.
~~~~
So life went on. That's what Jared learned from his experience with Jensen Ackles. Life was actually moving at breakneck speed for Jared since Jensen left town and basically disappeared. There hadn't been any new magazine covers or interviews speculating on his new romantic conquests, or anything, really, in quite some time. There hadn't even been any paparazzi shots...
Jared wasn't sure what happened after that last night. Jensen walked away from him and as far as Jared knew he got on his plane the next day and took off for La-La land, determined to never think about Jared again. It felt that way, anyway, because Jared hadn't heard squat from the actor in the past couple months. Jared knew he could get in touch with Jensen if he really wanted, but clearly Jensen didn't want to be contacted so Jared had to respect that.
The rest of the summer passed relatively uneventfully. The film crew packed up and moved out of town, taking with them the best job Jared was sure he ever had. But in the first couple weeks after they left he questioned whether that was because of the actual job or because Jensen was there every day. Once Jared returned to his usual grind at the bar and gas station he realized he did miss the work. He missed getting up at the crack of dawn and running his ass off every day and going home exhausted. He missed learning new things about lighting and pacing and how to get a dolly to work when the wheels were stuck. He learned about the best angles to shoot a scene for, depending on what mood the director was going for. He learned the most about himself, and that he couldn't sit around and wait for things to happen in his life anymore.
He told his family and friends that he was bisexual. His experience with Jensen and that last night was motivation enough for him to want to do it the next day, but he knew he had to work up to doing it, find out the best way to go about it to prepare himself for some potentially negative reactions. His parents were shocked, to say the least while Megan's face was unreadable. His mother cried and his dad left the room. Jared's heart sank and he got up to leave, but his mother stopped him and made him sit down and tell her everything. He told her an edited story of how he met this guy and he was really, really great and well, one thing led to another. He found his father outside in the backyard and Jared talked even though he wasn't sure his father was even listening. He talked until it got dusky and the moths swarmed around the outside light.
"I'm not going to hide, Dad," Jared said finally, his voice tired and growing hoarse as he stood up from the patio chair he sat in for the duration of his one-sided talk. "I'd rather have you know and hate me than live in fear of you finding out some other way and hating me even more."
"Jared." Jared looked up at his father's gruff voice, surprised. "We could never hate you." He stood up and drew Jared into an awkward hug that Jared accepted greatfully. "Just give us some time, son. We need to understand all this."
"Okay," Jared whispered, scared his voice would crack. He left that night feeling a million times lighter than he had in a long while. He was sitting in his truck in the driveway, resting his shaking hands on the steering wheel, when the passenger side door opened and Megan hopped in the truck, startling him. He gave her a cautious smile, unsure of her reaction because she hadn't said anything while he talked to his mother.
"It was Jensen, wasn't it?" she asked softly. Jared blinked at her and looked confused.
"The guy you met. It was Jensen," she went on. Jared opened his mouth to say something- he wasn't sure what but perhaps to deny? To argue? To make someone else up?
"Yeah," Jared said softly, looking down at his hands.
"What happened?" she asked, twisting toward him on the seat to look him better in the eye.
"He uh," Jared started, feeling his throat get scratchy. "He wouldn't." He stopped again and tried to breathe deep to keep from losing control. "I wasn't enough to make him stay."
There was a moment of silence and then Jared felt a hot, fat tear roll down his cheek. He gasped and let himself go for the first time since the whole mess started. Megan reached across the seat and pulled him against her tightly, letting him fall apart around her. They sat in the dark and quiet truck for a long time that night.
~~~~
"Don't forget to call when you stop at each place, you hear?" Jared's mom told him as she passed him a small cooler full of sandwiches and drinks. Jared accepted them gratefully and leaned in to kiss her on the cheek. He packed it away behind the truck seat, the cab sweltering in the late-summer Texas heat that, deep down and even though he hated it most days, he was going to miss.
"Will do."
"Do you have a tire iron in there? The spare tire is packed so you can get at it easily, right?" Jared's dad asked, joining he and his mom in the hallway.
"Secure near the tailgate." Jared nodded. "We'll be fine, I promise."
"I know, honey. It's just so far away," Jared's mom sighed. "Couldn't you have gone to school in Dallas?"
"This one is the best, mom," Jared told her with a laugh and leaned in to hug her tight. "I'll be home before you know it for Thanksgiving."
"You'd better," she warned.
Jared led his parents out of the house to the driveway where his truck was stuffed full of his and Sandy's stuff. They were doing it- leaving just like Sandy always hoped they would. Megan stepped away from Sandy to hug her brother tight, eyes red when she pulled back.
"I'm going to be out there to visit you as much as I can, you know. So make some fast connections with some hot young actors and hook me up! If you don't keep them all for yourself, that is!" Jared laughed at her and put her in a loose headlock to muss up her hair. She shoved him away and gave him a dirty look before smiling and hugging him again quickly.
Jared scratched Harley and Sadie behind the ears and, even though he knew they didn't understand what was going on, promised he'd send for them as soon as he found a big enough place for them. Goodbyes were said to everyone and Jared's parents hugged Sandy goodbye, telling them to look after each other. Jared felt like there was a hollow spot in his chest from the thought of leaving his whole life behind but as soon as Sandy looked over at him when they rolled out of the driveway, bright smile on her face and laughing, he knew he could make it work.
~~~~
"Right through here, Mr. Ackles." Jensen looked up and noticed that the secretary at the warehouse that doubled as a set for Darren's new film was gesturing to a door behind her desk. He jumped out of his chair quickly and shrugged out of his overcoat, hanging it over his arm as he ran a hand through his hair quickly.
"Do you know what time the interviewer from the magazine will be here?" he asked as he followed her. He was meeting Darren so they could sit down with someone from Entertainment Weekly and give an interview on the movie they filmed in Texas. As far as he was aware the film was out of editing now and was being screened, so the studio had started promotion and asked Jensen if he could do some press tours in the weeks leading up to the release.
The past six months were quiet for Jensen. After the shoot in Texas and the photographers and Ja- everything, he amended to himself. After everything that went on Jensen decided to take some time off and relax. He found out who the photographers were working for and offered them a lot of money to keep the photos quiet, at least for the time being. Jensen knew they were just waiting for the right moment to release them but he was holding onto the idea that as long as he threw money at them they'd keep their part of the agreement.
Not that any of it mattered anymore. The past six months were really about a lot of soul-searching for Jensen. He was taking the time off under the pretenses of reading scripts and waiting for his next great role to come along, but really he'd only glanced at a couple scripts and told his publicist to keep the heat off him for as long as possible. The months passed faster than he expected and now he was bracing himself for a potential media firestorm if those pictures got released. He'd given Lynne the heads up already and prepared for her wrath, but she hugged him instead and called him a jackass, swearing she'd be with him as long as he wanted her around. The rest of his management team took the news with barely any reaction at all and told Jensen not to worry.
However things went down, Jensen knew he had to get back into the swing of things with his career and start looking at scripts in earnest. Directors and studios were calling for him almost daily, but some of them were tapping their feet impatiently while he refused to talk to them and make decisions on anything.
So he was trying to get his head back into the game and started by agreeing to a sit-down interview with Darren, which had to be on the set of Darren's new movie because he was in such high demand of late. After the interview he was going to go meet a couple of independent directors and talk with them about the one movie role that held his attention beyond a brief cursory glance. The more he thought about the role the more nervous it made him because he realized how much he actually did want it, so he did the opposite and ignored it completely as he mentally prepared himself to talk about his last film.
"I think they said about quarter after ten, sir," the secretary replied to him as she opened the door to the set. She escorted him through to the large darkened room then smiled and returned to her desk, leaving Jensen alone. He straightened his shirt and glanced around for Darren or someone who could direct him to the other man.
"Excuse me?" Jensen cleared his throat as he approached someone standing at the craft services table from behind. "Could you tell me where Darren is, please?"
"Yeah, he's over by the su- oh." The guy turned around and stopped suddenly as he focused on Jensen, who felt his mouth drop open.
"Jared?" Jensen asked disbelievingly.
"Hey, Jensen," Jared replied, as if it were just another day. "What's up?"
"Jared?" Jensen repeated. "What are you doing here?"
"Having lunch," Jared replied with a half-grin and holding up his plate filled with salad, chicken and bread. Jensen took him in slowly. His hair was still shaggy and long-ish but seemed tamed, somehow. He was tanned, even more so than he was in Texas, and Jensen noticed that he'd managed to keep up his workout routine since the summer. Jensen let his eyes run across the pink polo shirt that was tight on his chest and down his dark, strong arms that appeared even bigger than Jensen remembered them being. He was wearing a pair of white shorts and the ever-present sandals that Jensen recalled him wearing all the time.
Jensen rolled his eyes at Jared's remark despite the overwhelming urge he felt to disappear back through the door the receptionist led him through. "Seriously- what are you doing here? I thought you turned down Darren's offer."
"I did. But then I ended up out here anyway for this course I'm taking; I'm getting some credit for a work practicum and, well..." Jared trailed off as he gestured around him. Jensen nodded his head, impressed.
"Wow, that's great," he started. He paused, trying to figure out what to say next, and Jared flashed a huge grin at something behind him. Jensen turned slightly to look and was nearly smacked in the head by an outstretched arm that wrapped around Jared's neck, pulling him into a tight hug. Jensen watched Jared hug the guy that the arm belonged to tightly, and longer than Jensen liked.
"Roger! What are you doing here? I didn't think I'd see you until tonight!" Jared said loudly, happily- with familiarity. Jensen watched as the two men, this Roger and Jared, hugged. The guy was probably Jensen's height and seemed to fit perfectly in Jared's arms. He was hot, even Jensen had to admit, with dark hair and dark eyes that held Jared's attention effortlessly as Jensen felt ignored.
"I just got in! Thought I'd stop by and see what you were up to before I went back to the apartment," Roger exclaimed, stepping back and holding Jared at arm's length so he could take him all in. "You look great!"
"Oh, hey," Jared said suddenly, looking over Roger's shoulder and noticing Jensen still standing there, likely looking as awkward as he felt. "Roger, this is Jensen. Jensen this is Roger. He's-"
"Jensen?" Darren called out then, walking out of the darkness from the other side of set with a huge grin. Jensen grinned in relief and reached a hand out to the director as he came closer. Darren shook his hand with a strong grip and clapped him on the arm. "Been awhile, Ackles. Where the hell you been?"
"Around," Jensen shrugged, happy to have something to distract him from what looked like the happy couple on his other side.
"Jared, mind if I steal him away for a bit while we do an interview?" Darren asked, as if Jared had any say. "Oh, hey Roger." Jensen glanced between Jared and Roger and Darren as his heart sunk with the realization that this Roger was clearly a regular on set.
"Of course!" Jared said, smiling brilliantly. He held his hand out to Jensen who accepted it slowly. Jared shook it quickly, keeping the contact to a minimum and looked him in the eye. "Jensen, it was good to see you. If you're around..."
"Sure." Jensen nodded. "I'll look you up now that I know you're in town."
Jared bit his lip and looked like he was going to say something else but he gave him a distant smile and turned back to Roger, saying something to him quietly that made Roger laugh. Jensen let Darren lead him away to the room they were going to give the interview in and fought the urge to look back every step of the way.
~~~~
"Un-fucking-believable," Jared muttered to himself as he unlocked the apartment door and stepped through it. He slumped against it when he closed it behind him and buried his face in his hands, groaning.
"Rough day?" Sandy called from the living room, watching him from her spot on the couch. Jared sank to the floor and spread his legs out in front of him, suddenly very tired and very confused. Sandy rushed over and crouched beside him, laying a hand on his arm. "Hey, what happened?"
"I saw him today," Jared replied shortly.
"Jensen? Where?"
"On set. He came to do an interview with Darren. I saw him as soon as he walked on set, no avoiding him."
"Do you want to avoid him?" Sandy asked, sitting down and crossing her legs beside Jared to get comfortable.
"No. Well, sort of. I don't really want to see him but I don't not want to see him. More than I don't want to see him. Am I making sense?"
"No," Sandy laughed. "But I get it. How did it go? Was he surprised to see you?"
"Damn near tripped on his tongue," Jared chuckled. "So I guess he really didn't know I've been here for a few months." Jared sobered and looked down at his hands, picking at his nails. "Someone on set told me today that Jensen's been a damn near recluse since Texas. No one's seen him or heard from him, he's not making any noise about what he's going to do next- nothing."
"Why do you think that is?" Sandy asked, reaching over to brush the hair out of Jared's face.
"A part of me wants it to be because of me. But that same part feels really bad if it is. It's his fault, though!" Jared exclaimed and Sandy nodded. "I gave him every chance back in Texas. I just want to be happy, Sandy."
"I know, honey," she murmured, moving around to sit by him against the door and pulling his head down to rest against hers as she stroked his hair. "I want you to be, too."
"He's not," Jared sighed. "He's lost weight and he doesn't look like he's been sleeping well. I feel like a damn fool for even thinking about him and what's going on with him, let alone worrying about the asshole, but I miss him. I didn't realize how much until today when I saw him."
"Maybe you need some closure? To talk to him and settle things between you two?"
"It doesn't get any more settled than Jensen leaving town freaked out about the idea that there are pictures of the two of us together out there. He meant what he said when he left Texas over the summer- his life is totally different from mine."
"Oh, what the fuck ever," Sandy groaned, clearly having heard this argument before. "Jared, you have to stop blaming yourself and thinking you're not good enough for him. When it comes right down to it you're gonna have to face it- dude's a dick."
"No," Jared denied immediately. "He's not." Sandy looked over at him disbelievingly. "I know, I know- it looks bad. But I get where he's coming from. And he was right, he doesn't have the same support system that I do or freedom to step up and say, 'this is who I am and fuck everything else'. He makes his living on what other people think of him and as a result what they'll pay to see him in movies."
"Doesn't mean he has to treat you like shit along the way, though. But," Sandy said with a sigh. "If things are really that bad for him then I think you got the better deal. And truth be told, I'm glad you're not with him if that's the way it's going to be. I don't want you to feel like you have to hide anything, Jared."
"I don't either," he nodded. "And I'm not. If I didn't do it for him then, I won't now. Not after everything that's happened. I just wish he'd see it the same way."
"Maybe he will eventually, right? But you don't need to waste any more time thinking about that right now. Come on, I have supper in the oven and I tried a new recipe for dessert that one of the girls from the temp agency gave me." Jared let Sandy help him stand up and led him to the kitchen where she showed him a pie. Or so he thought.
"What is it?"
"It's supposed to be an apple streudel. I kinda mushed it a little but it still tastes good!"
Jared burst out laughing and pulled Sandy to him, hugging her to him tightly. "Thanks, Sandy."
She squeezed him back briefly and then shoved him away, still laughing. "Yeah, yeah. No more sentimental crap. Let's eat!"
~~~~
"So things between you and Jared aren't any better?"
Jensen looked over at Darren and was grateful for the sunglasses that hid his eyes from wincing at the mention of him and Jared. He shook his head and took a sip of his coffee, saving him from speaking about it at all. Darren had asked Jensen to meet him for an early breakfast during their interview earlier in the week and mentioned something about a new script. Jensen figured it couldn't hurt to ask and agreed, taking his first meeting since he filmed the movie in Texas. The last thing he wanted to do was discuss Jared but he wasn't about to tell Darren that to his face.
"You didn't even know he was here, did you?" Darren continued. Again, Jensen shook his head. "Why didn't you ever ask about him? Or call him?"
Jensen sighed and shrugged.
"Come on, man. Give me something here."
"It's none of your business?" Jensen replied lightly, raising his eyebrows over his sunglasses. Darren held up his hands and nodded.
"Agreed. But." Darren waited until he had Jensen's undivided attention. "You look like shit, Jensen."
"Gee, thanks," Jensen cut in sarcastically. Darren gave him a pointed look and Jensen gestured for him to continue.
"I really want to work with you on this film, but I don't know if you're up to it. I can't bring you on board if you're going to get sick or if you can't handle the pressure."
"I can handle it," Jensen said tersely, almost snapping at Darren.
"What's going on with you, Jensen?" Darren asked, leaning across the table closer. "I'm not here to judge, man. Just tell me what's up and we can get through it."
"It's nothing," Jensen tried to say flatly but Darren would have none of it.
"Don't give me that bullshit. You and Jared were great friends and then all of a sudden- nothing. You barely looked at each other before we wrapped. What's up with that? And now he's out here and you don't know at all? What happened, Jensen?"
"He found out something about me he didn't like," Jensen finally said. "So we parted ways."
"He found out...?"
Jensen pushed his sunglasses up on his head and glanced around carefully, his heart pounding as he leaned in closer to Darren. His palms were sweaty and he felt like he was putting his career on the line, he was risking his life and his livelihood and - "I'm gay, Darren." - and he was ruining everything and-
"And?"
Jensen blinked. "And?"
"Yeah, what of it? Jared didn't know? Is he homophobic?" Darren asked, his eyes growing wide with shock.
"What? No! Jared's not a homophobe. Not in the least. And he did know- he was the first, actually. And... hey, why are you so not surprised?"
"Jensen," Darren started, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. "I might be absent-minded and in my own world half the time, but I'm not blind. And neither were the other people on set. Or any set, for that matter. In fact, for the longest time I thought you and Jared were together."
Jensen must have blinked or twisted his mouth in a funny way because Darren's face dropped and he leaned in again. "You two were together? You broke up? That's what it was?"
"Sort of," Jensen replied, waving his hand. "He couldn't handle that I don't want anyone to know I'm gay."
"But people do." Darren returned, confused.
"Sure, I know that now. But I wasn't aware of that while Jared and I were... together."
"If you were would things have been different?"
Jensen started to reply but changed his mind and thought about it for a second. "I don't know."
"Let me get this straight- you and Jared hooked up-"
"We were friends first," Jensen interrupted. "We got to be really good, close friends after those couple nights at the bar. Best friends, even."
"Okay, so you're friends. One thing leads to another and you two hook up-"
"He wasn't gay. Er, he's not gay. He's bi, but he didn't realize it until we started hanging out. The guy just never expected anything out of life for himself. Made me kind of mad, because he's so smart, you know? He could do so much and he didn't even know it."
"Are you telling this story, or am I?" Darren asked. Jensen inclined his head and gestured for him to go on. "So you two are friends and you unearth some long-hidden feelings for the same sex in Jared. You two work through it, get to the good stuff and then what? You decide you can't be seen in public with him so you two break up?"
"Pretty much," Jensen shrugged. "He said that he couldn't be with someone who couldn't even accept himself or something."
"You're right, he is a smart guy."
Jensen gave Darren a look and shook his head. "You don't understand."
"I don't understand that there's something that makes you a little different and you're too chicken shit to own up to it, so no one else around you can accept it either?"
Jensen felt his cheeks redden. "It's not as simple as that-"
"You think people haven't come out before in this business? That you're different and people will think differently of you because you're gay?"
"I could lose jobs, my reputation," Jensen tried to explain.
"You could lose jobs because you tell the wrong joke at a party, Jensen. And you know that. Stop being such a pussy and suck it up. Yeah, people might look at you differently when you walk down the street. Some people might say mean things about you behind your back or refuse to include you in their circles or something but you know what? Fuck it. You and Jared- that was something. You want to be with him, right? You're fucking wasting away over the guy and yet you're acting like a fucking ass." Darren reached over and rapped Jensen on the head with his knuckles. "Life's hard, get a helmet."
Jensen was silent and frowned at Darren, taking in everything he said. "You've really known all this time?"
"I've known since before you started on the movie."
"And you still wanted to work with me?"
"I don't care what you do in your free time. As long as you show up to set on time, do your work and make me lots of money I could care less if you get high and play the bongos like McConnaughey every night. And you'll find that attitude among a lot of people in this business. Just as you'll find the people who will shy away from you when they know you're different. But a lot of those people are the ones that are going to hate you anyway, for whatever reason they can find. Clearly, Jared isn't one of those people, so try not to fuck that up any more than you already have."
Surprisingly Jensen was still able to eat after Darren finished talking to him. He thought over everything Darren said, that he had known all this time that Jensen was gay and nothing had ever come of it. From the way Darren talked- everyone knew. And yet he still had a job, he still had lots of roles being offered to him and he had been none the wiser. He was the one trying to keep a secret and yet everyone else who knew it kept it better than he did.
"So what are you going to do for the rest of the day?" Darren asked as they paid for their meal and shrugged their jackets on to leave.
"I'm going to see if I can make some appointments and then go from there." They walked outside and waited for the valet to bring them their vehicles. Before Darren got into his Jensen called out to him, "Hey Darren?"
"Yeah?"
"Is it true what they say? There's no such thing as bad publicity?" Darren grinned and winked at him.
~~~~
About a week later, Jared groaned and for a split second entertained the thought of pretending he wasn't home when the apartment buzzer sounded. Sandy was out with Jim or Tim or Ted somebody- he couldn't keep track because she was becoming quite the social butterfly lately in hopes of making connections with the right people- and Jared was looking forward to a quiet night alone in the apartment without any assignments or phone calls from set. But, as he remembered from months before, there was a voice on the other side that refused to let him be, and Jared jumped at the sound.
"Jared! I know you're in there. I can't see your truck this time but I talked to Darren. C'mon man, let me in," Jensen called from the hallway, knocking loudly. Jared winced because he knew that his neighbors would be pissed if Jensen kept up the racket, celebrity or not, so he hurried to the door and opened it quickly.
"Hey. What's up?" he asked, trying to be casual. Jensen was standing in the hallway with a surprised look on his face, holding some magazines. He looked better than he did when Jared saw him on set a couple weeks before. He looked rested and like he'd put on a few pounds. His light brown hair was shorter than it was when he was filming the movie. He was dressed simply, in fitted jeans and a button-up black shirt with a brown jacket. Next to him Jared felt schlubby in a pair of baggy jeans and a hoodie with a backward baseball cap on.
"I uh, came by to see you."
Jared nodded, refraining from saying anything too sarcastic. "And?"
"Can we talk?"
"Is there anything left to talk about?" Jared asked.
Jensen's face fell a little and he stepped forward, clutching the magazines tighter. "Don't be like that, Jared."
"Be like what? I'm honestly not sure what we could talk about now. You made yourself clear and that was months ago. That's cool, I understand. We don't have to push it any-"
"I have something I need to show you," Jensen cut him off in a rush. "Please, Jared. I'd really like to talk to you. You didn't say no when I mentioned I would look you up."
Jared shrugged and stepped aside to let him in. When Jensen passed by him Jared breathed in his scent quickly and closed his eyes as he shut the door, taking the briefest of moments to remember those few hot, summer months that he spent with him and tried not to immediately regret it. Jensen waited for him to lead him into the living room.
"Want a beer or something?" Jensen shook his head so Jared sat down and looked at him expectantly. "Okay." Jensen sat down on the coffee table across from Jared instead of sitting on the couch beside him or in one of the armchairs and took a breath.
"These are for you," Jensen said, holding out a couple magazines. One was a tabloid-esque one, all glossy and flashy with bright words and scandalised headlines- the main one being, 'Exclusive! Pictures of Heart-throb Jensen Ackles!' The other was People magazine with Jensen's smiling face plastered across the front and the headline, "The Truth in My Own Words: I'm Gay." Jared's mouth dropped open and he looked up at Jensen quickly.
"Oh my god! "Why now? Why did the pictures come out now?" He asked, heart thudding like a jackhammer in his chest.
"Because I stopped paying the photographers to keep them from being published," Jensen said quietly. Jared's mouth dropped open further.
"What? Wait- I don't get it. What?" Jared started flipping through the People magazine quickly.
"I've been paying the photographers for the past six months to stop them from selling the photos," Jensen said with wry smile. "I've been hanging on to the last shreds of my sanity because of it; constantly worrying that the next morning I was going to wake up to dozens of phone calls and people talking about me on the entertainment shows and in the supermarket rags. I've been hiding for the past six months because- well, I don't really know why.
"Then I saw you on Darren's set last week and it threw me. I thought when I left Texas I probably wouldn't see you again and I could leave all that behind because dammit, Jared- I'd made my choice long before I met you. I had everything all planned out and my career was coming first at the expense of my personal life, but it was what I had chosen for myself. Then I met you and it all went out the damn window."
"I'm sorry?" Jared asked, not quite sure where Jensen was going with his speech.
"I got scared. I probably picked the wrong profession to be in, because I don't like people knowing everything about me- or even some things about me. But I can't change that now. I hated how easy it seemed to be for you to admit your sexuality to yourself and talk about sharing it with the people in your life. I didn't hate you," he assured hurriedly, not that Jared took offense. "I just hated how simple you made it look when I could barely say the word in public for fear of someone hearing me. I'm not proud of the way I've acted and the things I said to you, or did. I wish I could say I'd do things differently if I had the chance to go back, but honestly I don't know if I would. I want to believe that everything's going to work out the way it should because that's pretty much all I have right now.
"I came here to show you these," he gestured to the magazines. "And to say that I'm sorry. You were- are- one of my best friends and I let all of that go because- well, you know why. So this is my attempt to try and fix all that and move past it." Jensen sat back a little and waited for Jared's response.
"Huh," Jared finally said slowly, trying to wrap his mind around everything. He really wasn't sure what to say and he knew that Jensen was looking for more but he didn't have it to give. He looked at Jensen and opened his mouth, then closed it again. Then, "I think I need that beer. You want one now?"
"I could go for a beer," Jensen agreed quickly. Jared took the magazines with him to the kitchen and skimmed through the article and the pictures as fast as he could while he grabbed the beers. He frowned as he flipped through the pages and read quickly as he walked back to the living room slowly.
"Jensen?" Jared asked, flipping through the other magazine curiously when he sat back down on the couch.
"Yeah?" Jensen accepted the bottle Jared offered and opened it right away, taking a long drink while Jared let his sit on the coffee table, unopened, as he flipped through the other magazine.
"These pictures..."
"Yeah?"
"There's nothing incriminating here. They don't even mention anything about you being gay in here. They're just some slightly blurry pictures of you looking pissed off and me looking confused in the background. But you can't even tell it's me because my face is kind of shadowed," Jared explained slowly, shaking his head and holding up the magazine to show the pictures of that night, with their Texas tans and summer clothes and little else.
"I know."
"So you went to People for nothing?" Jared asked, feeling like his stomach dropped to his toes.
"I went knowing what the pictures were of," Jensen clarified. Jared blinked at him and shook his head.
"But-"
"It was only after I saw the pictures that I decided to do the interview." Jensen held a hand up to stop Jared from cutting in so he could continue. "I wanted to see how bad they were for myself so I could prepare for whatever I figured would happen. I realized I'd been had but I didn't feel any better when I saw the photos. I've been paying the photographers out of fear for six months, but they were just playing me for money. And yeah, I was kind of pissed off, before you ask, but my own stupidity, right? Anyway, I realized that they could publish the photos and it would just be like any other paparazzi photos- no one would be any wiser for it. Until the next time someone took photos of me and I'd freak out again. I've been so paranoid I feel like Howard fucking Hughes. That's no way to live my life, Jared."
"I agree," Jared replied. "But everything you did it for, all the reasons you told me- your career-"
"Will still be there. Roles might be harder to get and yeah, I'll probably come across a lot of people who don't agree with how I live my life. But," Jensen said taking a deep breath. "It's how I'm going to live it and not them. I'm going to try being happy instead of famous."
"You don't even like being famous," Jared laughed.
"Exactly! That's exactly it!" Jensen exclaimed back with his own grin. "It's all so fucking simple now."
"You should've listened to me," Jared chided, jokingly. "Would have saved you all those months of worrying and fear and- hey. Do I see a grey hair in there?" Jensen batted Jared's hand away as he leaned across to pick at Jensen's head teasingly. Jared laughed again and then looked down, noticing how Jensen didn't let go of his hand. The laughter died and Jensen swallowed hard, lacing his fingers with Jared's.
"I probably don't have any place to ask this after everything, and I know you're uh, with someone else right now, but if there's any way at all that we can get some coffee or go to dinner or something? I'd really like that. I- I really want to be at least friends with you, Jared."
Jared furrowed his brow and pulled his hand back from Jensen gently. "Have you seen me with someone, Jensen?"
"On Darren's set last week, there was that guy who came up to you and hugged you, kissed you," Jensen said, clasping his hands together nervously and looking down at them.
"So that guy and me, we're together?" Jared asked with a slight grin.
"Yes? Why are you asking me?"
"I'm just trying to figure out exactly what to tell Sandy's cousin so we can have a good laugh over you thinking he's gay and my boyfriend," Jared explained, trying to hold back a big grin. Jensen looked up at him sharply and let out an exasperated sigh upon seeing Jared's laughing face. He shoved at Jared's shoulder while hiding his own smile and leaned forward without thinking as Jared ducked his head shyly and let Jensen kiss him.
It was tentative and unsure, much like their first kisses and Jared could feel his hands shake slightly as he lifted one to Jensen's shoulder slowly. Jensen was edging forward on the coffee table until their knees knocked, trying to find room. Jensen let out a frustrated groan that sent a warning shudder through Jared's body, forcing him to break the kiss and lean back. He lifted his fingers to his lips and touched them lightly while Jensen stared at him with wide eyes.
"What are we doing?" Jared asked.
"I thought it was fairly obvious," Jensen replied, trying to be funny but Jared wasn't laughing.
"It's not that simple."
Jensen nodded and swallowed hard. "Believe me, I know."
"You can't just come here with some pictures and some carefully chosen words and expect me to be happy and grateful that you finally grew a pair," Jared told him, harsher than he intended but once the words were out he realized he meant them.
"I know that, too," Jensen agreed. "I didn't come here for that, I swear."
"Then why did you?"
Jensen opened his mouth to speak but then stopped and simply said, "You were right. I played into all that bullshit and fucked up our friendship. I don't expect that to fix anything, though. You've got this whole new life out here that I had no clue about. I realized that you were the one to do all the hard stuff- got a new job, moved across the country, came out willingly ... I could barely say out loud that I'm gay. It took me a long time to understand all that but now that I have I wanted to tell you because you're my friend."
"It's easier said than done," Jared told him with a shrug. "I know why you did it all though, Jensen. This industry isn't as open and accepting as it likes to think it is and I know why you hid it for so long. I'm sorry I pushed."
"Don't be. It doesn't matter anymore, anyway. It's all out there for everyone to read about and I'm through caring about it. I'll let everyone else handle all the major stuff and keep going."
"I'm happy for you," Jared told him softly. "Still doesn't mean I can just-"
"I know, I'm not asking you to. But of anyone I could tell about this first, I wanted it to be you. Thank you."
"For what?"
"For everything you talked about over the summer- changing the way I saw things, opening doors. All that other mushy, self-realization bullshit," Jensen said, rolling his eyes and Jared chuckled.
"So..." Jared finally said when they grew quiet, unsure of what to say or do next.
"Are you doing anything this weekend?" Jensen asked in a rush. Jared blinked and sat back a little. "I mean, if you wanted we could go for coffee or maybe I could get tickets to a basketball game or something."
"I don't know if that's a good idea," Jared told him softly. Jensen's face fell a little but he nodded.
"I get it. I just thought I'd ask, is all."
"I appreciate it, I do Jensen. I just-"
"No, it's cool. I get it."
"No, you don't. I still care about you," Jared told him with a small, helpless smile. "But I don't know what's going on so I can't- I just can't."
Jensen nodded slowly. "Okay."
"I just need some time to figure things out and I think you should think about what you want."
"I have," Jensen replied, gesturing to the magazines obviously.
"Not that. I meant us," Jared waved his hand between them. "Like you said over the summer- your world and that world are two different things. Maybe what we had there wouldn't translate here, you know?"
"I'd tell you that I know it can, but I know what you'd say so I won't. I can give you time, as much as you need. I would really like us to be friends again, Jared, so here's my number and you can call me whenever, if you want. Whenever you're ready." Jensen handed Jared a card from his wallet and stood up, brushing his pants down. "I think I should go now."
"Yeah," Jared agreed. He walked Jensen to the door and leaned against the doorframe as Jensen turned to him in the hall.
"So I'll... see you around?" Jensen asked. "Maybe?"
"Maybe," Jared echoed and smiled at Jensen softly. He waited until Jensen turned back around and stepped back in the apartment to close the door quickly so he wouldn't have to watch Jensen walking away again, even if this time it was his doing.
Part 7